eat your young (earinor & marquis)

Maybe Louis had gone too far, but that wasn't really possible. Josiah never backed down, he needed to be hurt in order to understand and Louis had been too soft. His eyes grew watery and red, Louis could see it very well, but he too was at the verge of breaking. He was somewhat hide it behind anger, but how often would Josiah force him to push him away? Even when he tried to be his friend all they did was argue. Even if none of them meant ill, the fact that Josiah knew less than half of what was going on and Louis being unable to tell him anything made all of this incredibly hard. I he could tell him it would be even worse, because that idiot would try and save Louis somehow when there was no saving at all. He should run, far away, even better if he took Conny, Lucy and the others, but he seemingly would never leave without Louis. Even if he told him he was already lost and that they could just flee, he wouldn't fucking do it.

What Josiah said next made Louis truly angry however. It wasn't an act to hide how vulnerable he was and how much he wanted someone to talk to. Before Josiah could even think of opening this door, Louis slammed him against it and pressed his arm against his throat to keep Josiah in place. "How dare you?!", he hissed at him with much more strength in his body than he believed he had left. "How dare you use me as an excuse?! How dare you think about making everyones life more miserable and blame it on me?! You'd hurt Conny even more, Lucy too? The kids? After they already lost Leila?! And you call me an asshole? You're all so good at putting the blame on my shoulders anyway, so why not put your death on me too?!" Louis opened the door Josiah was still wedged against, which basically made him fall out. Louis was looking at him from atop those two little steps. "Maybe I'm not the monster here." He was appalled, disappointed, hurt and he knew that he had to live with this for maybe an eternity if Josiah didn't just talk out of his ass right now. He didn't even know what to do now, other than telling people to have an eye on Jo, but not now, right now he couldn't bare looking at him anymore and shut the door to his trailer on him.

And all of that was deserved too. That was what he got for talking to Louis like that, and it was what he got for making a spur of the moment decision - he lay there, for a moment, at the bottom of the steps that Louis had cast him aside to and he knew, in that moment, that it didn't matter. He got back up and wiped his eyes dry, gave his clothes a pat and walked off - he didn't want to be here, because it meant that he'd have to be close enough to Louis to admit that, at first, it was a rouse; it was alright, then. But now? Right. Louis said it well: He wasn't the monster here, Josiah was, and he'd take it as that. If that was it, it had to be the truth. Selfishness was a stupid trait to have, especially in a place like this one, but there was no way out of here, was there now? He could pack up, he could leave, but there was nowhere else for him to go but home, in that stupid trailer that only reminded him of everything that was wrong with him, but Josiah went there, he shoved every responsibility on all the others yet again, to have a moment of peace, before he had to think about what had just happened.

The clock, it marched, it ticked, and the sun moved too - he sat there, and he felt defeated, despite not doing anything in the first place. What was he going to do? If he did it, he'd have nothing to regret anymore. If he didn't, but kept sitting here, he'd simply waste all that he'd told Louis; but did he truly and really want to die that badly? The thought had never crossed his mind. None of this ever had, not for a long time anyway, but he figured it didn't matter. Death could be as simple as drinking that stupid acid, or as difficult as cutting himself open, completely disected for everyone to marble at, but it didn't help when he was alone like this, when he felt as if the world was whispering its sweet nothings to him, and calling out to him. That very void wanted him, did it not? And who was he to say no? Who even cared - it would be all the same, but all the responsibility would fall onto the others yet again, because he was being the selfish one, trying to get his way by just saying what stuck. So, why not commit to the bit? Right. Before he knew it, his fist had slammed in the mirror and it came apart, in many a piece, and Josiah picked the best shard he could find - but no, now that his hand was cut and bloody, that was an inconvenience, too. Why was it always like this? Slit his throat, slit his wrist? What first? He was spending too long thinking about it, night had already rolled about, but nobody was going to get him if he didn't go to the tent himself - they'd all just worry. Right. He could kill himself after all of this. That'd work. That way, they'd have time to figure it out. Okay. They'd just have to deal with it, somehow. Josiah really didn't care. Not when he trudged to the tent, not when he changed his attire, not when he applied that stupid paint - not when his knuckles were barely scabbed over, or when his hand was pulsing. He'd make it through, even with that scowl on his stupid face.

Louis slid down against his door exhausted and drained. Maybe he shouldn't have been that angry, maybe he shouldn't have tossed Josiah aside, but instead apologized and told him how much he cared for him. Would he have listened even? Louis didn't remember crying since that fire, but right now he did. Everything he touched, everything he did, no matter how good his intentions, it all went to shit. Trying to protect Josiah made him hurt so badly, he was thinking of killing himself, trying to save Lucas killed Leila. Was there anything he could do right? He was fine with everybody hating him, but this wasn't what he wanted. If he told Josiah of course he'd be sad, Josiah would be in more danger yet, if he didn't he might actually do something stupid, because he never thought about things. Louis didn't know what to do, he just sat there with his hand cupping his face crying for a long time, but eventually he had to pull himself together. He wiped his tears and even though he didn't want to talk to anyone and even though he didn't know how to say it, he at least told James and Mara that Jo eluded to doing something stupid, just so they could have an eye on him. Louis didn't find Lucy and he had to get ready for the show, but he was sure one of the others would tell her.

The switch came as sudden as ever and with a wave of relief for at least a while. Again he felt different, like last night and he didn't care at all about what happened just hours before. Somehow even when he was broody and way too much in his own head, he figured that maybe now was the time to actually talk to Jo and such he sauntered over to him once he spotted the next candidate on death row. From behind he put his arm around him and looked at Josiah through the mirror. "You're not dead I see. Not yet anyway.", he let out with a smirk. "Between us... I mean, not that I wouldn't remember in a few hours, or tomorrow... but, did you mean that truly?" Louis looked down, grabbing Josiahs clothing and pulling it in place, then patting his chest once he was done and Josiah looked perfect for tonight, but he didn't let go yet.

He was perfectly fine here, mulling over things, considering things that hadn't even transpired yet, but he was thinking it through now - Louis wanted him to leave, and whether he left alive or dead didn't matter, not to him. Where would he go anyway? Look for his parents? He was here because they probably didn't want him, and Jo understood that fully well - right now, he didn't even want himself, he wanted nothing more than to rip his own head off from where it sat on his shoulders and kick it down the nearest stream, in hopes of never having to grapple with the fact that being alive was terrible, at least at this very moment. Sure, he could play it down, but he wasn't as smiles and giggles as he always was, and eventually, someone would question it, ask him and tell him that the knew he wasn't just having a bad day. He grumbled about the thought alone - the shadows whispers had sounded so comforting and in the end, he hadn't given in, not yet anyway, because that was what he was supposed to stick out, it seemed. In its entirety, Jo was unaware of how things would happen from here on out.

As he now perched there, mostly done with what he had been doing to get ready, a visage appeared in his mirror, behind him, but unlike the others, it didn't pass, no, it came right his way, as if it had seen something. Was he supposed to say anything to Louis? Even seeing that idiot, all happy about the world around them, made him sad again, as if the stone that was sinking into his stomach hadn't been heavy enough in the first place. Jo looked up at him, through the mirror, to meet his gaze head-on. "Not yet.", he replied, his voice already cracking anyway, his mind entirely elsewhere. If one were to suggest someone else was currently piloting that body of his, that wasn't so off - and even when Louis fiddled with his clothing, he only was more bewildered than he would want to let on. Josiah sighed. Was he really asking that? Right. Maybe Louis didn't trust him either, but he felt so ... different, so off. "Yes. I'll finish what I'm doing here, then I'll go back to my trailer and starting tomorrow, I'm not your problem anymore." And he meant it, too. What use was there in living anyway? Louis and the others would be better off without a monster like him, as he'd so neatly phrased it earlier. "Why?" Why wasn't he letting go anyway? "If you want to watch, sure." At least he'd understand that Jo meant it then.

"Not yet?", Louis laughed a little. "Man you're causing more trouble than me trying to do what's best for all of you. Hm... once you're gone Conny will probably be next and if Lucy is left all alone, who knows what she'd do? Maybe she takes the children with her? Save them the misery and all, you know? And I'll finally be free of all the pressure you put on my shoulders, I actually like that, maybe I stop caring altogether, for the whole day I mean." That would mean freedom and even after the guests left Louis couldn't deny that he enjoyed these hours of respite, free of all that plagued him for over five years now. Dreams of monsters, of hell, of what would become of his friends and himself if he didn't do everything he could to keep them save, but now? Now it seemed like he realized that it was for naught and as his grip on humanity faded and his friendships slipped away, Louis was pulled more and more to where he was supposed to end up five years ago.

"I'll need to tell Roy, he'll love this!", Louis let out as if he just had the best idea ever. Louis laughed again. "Jo, you might actually be the most selfish person I know. Killing yourself just to prove a point? Then again, maybe you're thinking now that everyone is grieving over Leila is the best opportunity. One more corpse, what of it, right? Should I help you write a letter explaining how I made you do this? How I practically killed you? Why not give me the knife? I'll do it for you. You so want my approval all the time, don't you? And there is no way that I won't feel guilty about it, whether it was actually me slitting your throat or not doesn't matter. Hey, funny story; did you know, that I actually considered dying myself? Maybe we are more alike than I claim. But how would poor old me protect you if I was gone? No no, just running away is not my style. I'll take your guilt, your sorrow, your fear, your anger, it's fine, I'll keep looking after the rest once you're gone. Maybe. We'll see what happens. Well, you'll not."

Josiah had imagined many things to be waiting for him, but something was just simply ... off. Whatever it was, he couldn't know, but he could at least try and piece it together - if he was sound of mind, that was. Louis was stupid, always on edge, never talking about what was on his mind, but right now? Right now he ran his mouth like he couldn't get enough of it and like he needed to vent all frustrations and reservations he'd kept to himself for way too long - and it hit, if it hit earlier, right now it hit way too close to home. Was he supposed to be surprised? To react? To show Louis any kind of admittance that he was being too rash, too harsh, too stupid to realize the magnitude of his own words? No. It kept going. It went and went and went until it spun and spun and spun and Josiah just sat there and listened, like he was sent down in a spiral of madness, like there was nothing to be afraid of because in the end, all of this was just talk, coming out of someones face that wasn't Louis. He looked like him, sure, but he ... something was off. "So that's what's wrong with you?", he asked, not sure what to make of it. Telling him that this wasn't him, it wouldn't help. Fuck, what would, even?

Then he mentioned Roy, and Josiah wanted to throw up at the mere mention of this fucker - he didn't want to consider that a possibility, nor did he want for Roy to even ... nevermind. "I know I'm selfish and a monster, come up with something new.", he told Louis, who visibily disturbed him now. It was on his own face, the fact he couldn't stand this freak that made no sense to him at all - Louis always went on about having changed, about being someone else, but he never changed much. But in the lights of the circus, before a performance, at night, he was more akin to a monster himself. "Shut up." What a weak excuse that was, but what was he to do? If he got up and got into a brawl with this ... thing, he'd cause more problems than they were worth answering for, and nobody else would see what he meant. Was he supposed to go snooping after Roy now? To ask him for things? Or any of those other guys? "You're going off the rocker, and here I thought I was insane. You're not going to look after anyone if I die, you're just going to play with them, aren't you?" But Jo was tired, this ... could he deal with this? It wasn't anything he was accustomed to, but Louis seemed to be in no shape to be consoled, either. "Why don't you kill yourself together with me, then? You're no better than me like this, you're the same ugly, selfish monster that I am." Would that even appease anything? Josiah stood up - or at least tried to.

"Wrong? I would say it's right, but I'd also agree with you any other time of day. We're talking about what's wrong with you though.", Louis replied. This was about Josiah and his idea of life. The fact that one more fight with Louis made him blame his death on him, the fact that he told him it was his fault when Josiah was clearly disdrought over someone else he lost. Louis pitied himself in this moment. With a friend like Josiah he didn't need any enemies. Right now he found it funny, but it would change in a few hours time and he'd remember every single bit of this conversation too. He would blame himself either way, Leilas death was already crushing him and even if Josiah would kill himself over her, ba default it was on Louis too. "Tell me, have you ever thought about me when you came running after me and tried to force me to be your friend again? Was it truly ever about helping me?" Louis stood up for himself for once, but this was just a game for him at the moment.

Louis scuffed. "I don't think you know that. All you do is taking this as an excuse to get pitied, to be the one in the right, because who would question your integrity once you're dead? 'Oh no I am such a monster, look at me, I am the one hit hardest by that fire and by Leilas death.' God forbid someone else is more miserable than you. Your argument doesn't even make sense. I called you a selfish monster once and it was today because your immediate thought after seeing me struggle was to kill yourself and put the blame on me. You are truly sinsiter, I couldn't come up with this if I tried and at least I'd feel guilty once the show is over." Josiah was clearly not happy about hearing all this. "The truth hurts, doesn't it?" Louis looked at Josiah through the window, at his pained expression. "I don't know what will happen, but it's not like you care." After all, he took the easy way out. Louis pushed Josiah back on his chair, just putting his weight on his shoulders. "Wishing me death now too, huh? Sorry, I have to decline. I don't want to die now and I don't want to later on. Now, don't hurt yourself out there and smile a little." Louis let go of Josiah and walked off. He had guests to greet in the big tent.

No, Louis was right, about every single little thing he said - it was like rubbing salt into an open gash, to make sure he hurt about it for a while, to bring the consequences to his own doorstep. Josiahs stomach turned at the thought; he'd never assumed it to be like that, and every single time he'd tried to make things right with him, he'd assumed that his friend wanted it too, but was just too shy to admit it. In the end, it was for his own selfish purposes of making sure everything was going to be right, no, so everything would be alright, wouldn't it? There was thrumming in his hands, like someone else suggested he'd hand over the strings that kept him tied to reality and put his mind on the backburner so he could simply focus on himself - but what good was a body without someone caring for it? Josiah shook his head at the thought, pulled his legs up, his knees to his chest and put his head there. He didn't want to cry again, but he might as well if that was how it went. Louis was right, on all accounts. Was he even deserving of him? He'd fucked up, hadn't he?

The night spiraled on, down into a vortex of something and even when it was time to perform, it didn't matter much - he felt like he was watching everything from behind a window, definitely not all the way there, as if his body and mind weren't agreeing with his thoughts, but he was glad when it was over. It didn't end there, but he left as soon as he could - he wanted to be selfish again, and he looked at the mirror shard in his hand for long enough, but he pondered what Louis had said to him: It always was about him, wasn't it? He had to apologize, and if he killed himself now, he could never do that, not even once, not for anything he'd done. Easily swayed as always, as long as it was convenient, wasn't he? Right. He had to figure this out, if not for himself, then Louis - he hurt when he fell asleep, he hurt when he woke up and he hurt the entire day, when looking after Conny and mumbling things to her, listening to her mumble things back at him - they both had lost the plot, but they agreed on that. When Lucy came by after lunch, Mara and James had both individually checked in on them hours apart, but before. Odd. Jo put the thought aside, still, and headed out - he wanted to talk to Louis, who'd no doubt blame himself for all the stupid shit he'd said to him the day and night before. Right. With a knock on Louis trailer and his head hung low, he arrived in shame and knocked. "Can we talk? I'll be quick." Was this just to absolve himself of guilt? Maybe, but he'd probably needed the wake up call anyway.

As soon as the last guest left Louis was hit with reality like a horse ran him over. Usually he was the one bullied or not taken seriously, but this new side of him scared him. All these things he said to Josiah were in itself not wrong and yet he would ahve never done so. He knew it was what he felt somewhere inside of him, but it wasn't the whole picture either. He quickly searched for a place out of sight and he couldn't help but throw up. He wasn't sure what it was that was going on with him, but it scared him. It wasn't a change he saw coming or that crept up slowly, it seemingly happened overnight that he turned more and more like the others, at least a few hours per day. What if the time extended? Was it Leilas death that caused it? His betrayal? He was sure to blame himself, no one else, as much as he fought with Josiah ans as angry he could be at him for making everything so difficult, he never would have blamed him openly like this.

He wanted to talk to him, apologize, but at the same time he didn't want to 'change his mind' again. He was to stay strong, he told other people to look after him, Lucy, Mara and James. He could only trust that they took Louis seriously and had an eye on him. Louis went to wash up and forced himself to bed. He was exhausted but couldn't sleep still. The next day had some more work for him and he did it quickly, avoiding everyone during breakfast times again. He went back to his trailer, the children would be looked after and trained, even without him, right? He couldn't shirk that responsibility forever, but lately he wondered if there was even a point. One of them would be picked sooner or later... Now he sat there unsure what to do, with his mind going to dark places, imagining what would become of him until he heared a knock on his door and Josiahs voice. He didn't want to talk to him, he couldn't look at him and they'd just fight or give Josiah reason to hurt more once Louis pulled back again. Louis got up and to the door but didn't open it. "Is it about tonights show?", he asked through the door as stoic as he could muster at the moment and while he talked turned the lock. Feeling somewhat saver with Josiah locked out, he leaned his forehead against the door and bit his lower lip.

There he was, at his wits end, arrived at his last resort, to make things right, to talk to Louis and tell him that it was all his fault, that he'd made one mistake too many, that he longed to understand what really drove him, that he wanted to help him - but there was none of that now, there only was the silence that came with being shirked and cut out of the bigger picture, accompanied by the sound of a lock; definitely not to open the door. Jo leaned his own head on the other side of the door, he wanted nothing more than to stop being persistant, he wanted to wash away his sins, absolve his conscience of sin, wasn't that what he truly longed for? For forgiveness, all of a sudden, from Louis and all that he'd ever said to him? He was a hypocrite, he wasn't the only one hurting, but he couldn't help it. In the end, maybe he was wrong for feeling anything in the first place - he should have carved his heart out of his chest, laid it barren on Louis doorstep and disappeared forevermore, in whatever selfish act he could muster. Jo was tired, disturbed even, but merely by himself.

"I ... sort of.", he sighed. That probably wasn't what he wanted to hear - Josiah never wanted to disappoint, but he always shouldered it all on his own. There was a clump in his throat, and a heart in his stomach, squashed by a dense brick that pressed downward. "I ... wanted to say sorry, that's all.", he mumbled, not entirely drowned out by the door. It was only right that he was locked out of Louis' trailer, maybe even his life. "I thought I was doing the right thing, because I'm selfish, and I figured it would push you to do something. Anything. I wasn't disingenious, but it was entirely wrong of me to do that. I- I didn't want to blame you. You're not ... you ... you are important to me, I saddled you with enough guilt already, and I only make it worse everytime I talk to you. I'm sorry, for everything, really, but an apology isn't going to cut it, I know." Josiah swallowed the clump in his throat, wanted to be rid of it - was he trying to rid himself of his guilt like this? There was too much in his head. He should leave, like Louis always told him to, and never come back, like he always wanted him to. "Please don't feel like you have to bear all of this yourself. I never ... you know, I thought I was doing the right thing, for both of us, but in the end I was just doing right by me, what I thought was right. I was wrong. I'm selfish. I'm sorry. I think I get it now. That's all, I don't want to bother you, you don't want to see me, it's alright. You can cut me from tonight, I'll safe you the trouble. Thank you and sorry for saddling you with this, again. Bye." Jo turned to leave - he should clean up his trailer, then, so someone else wouldn't need to sift through it.

Louis didn't know what to do, but it would be dumb of him to give in now, depending on what Josiah truly wanted to do. He needed to leave this place, he needed to be save and after all, they never could be friends again anyway, even when they tried. He said he read the book, but Louis doubted he understood anything. Who would believe that the man that gave them shelter when no one else would, would let multiple children disappear into nothingness. Louis didn't know what happened to them, but he knew they weren't just going away. It wasn't only children either. Josiah was in danger and so were all the others that weren't already some form of demon or monster. All Louis ever wanted was to protect his friends from the ringmaster, from the other and from himself and what he did was get Leila killed and hurt everyone around him. He felt tears running down his cheeks, he couldn't deal with this any longer. What changed the past few days was scaring him, but even better then if Josiah left.

Josiah apologized and somehow he should have, but at the same time Louis couldn't blame him for being confused and traumatized. Louis was all he ever knew for a long long time and when he should have died he didn't truly, but what was left was a mere husk or a ghost. How could Josiah let go of him like that? If he continued to be haunted by him? Josiah didn't need to apologize, he wasn't at fault for Louis fragile house of cards caving in finally, but if Louis relented now, Josiah would never go. Still Louis wasn't sure what he meant to do. "Where are you going?", he wanted to know. He simply needed to know that he just left for the city and would try and have a life there, not actually harm himself. Louis kept some money on the side too, money he wasn't exactly supposed to have but since he was partly in charge of the books, it was no problem to gather some over the course of the past five years. Jo would need it for a fresh start. "I don't want you to die...", he added hoarse. Maybe it was too much of an admittance, but he couldn't let Josiah walk away, tell him he'd find work in the city but doing the opposite somewhere alone out there. "You should take Lucy..." She'd keep him from being stupid.

There wasn't an ounce of happiness left within him, frankly, he couldn't even piece together anything like this - he couldn't be pushy about it, but he knew that the Louis now and the Louis yesterday night ought to at least be two different people that couldn't coexist in a capacity that would give them both a voice to talk with. Maybe he deserved the other one, the one that laid all of his aches barren to him and told him that, if it would be it, he'd cut him to ribbons himself. "Hm?" He heard Louis loud and clear, but the question threw him off. Letting go of Louis wasn't the right thing to do here, it never was, but Lucy had already claimed him a former friend, had told him that Lou had changed, for better or for worse, and he also knew that it was nothing he could change like this. Carrying this mans burdens seemed impossible, as if a brick wall stood between them at all times, as if every word he tried to say was something that would never crawl out of his throat in the first place - it choked him up, just like it had yesterday, and yet, when it was about his frustrations with him, that was different.

"To our trailer. I kind of have to clean up, I made a mess in there yesterday after I told you, you know. Sorry. I'll figure it out from there.", he told him flat-out, as if it had been any surprise that all of this was falling on his head, like it had to happen eventually. His heart was twisting in shapes and sizes that it shouldn't be in, at least metaphorically, and Jo felt like he could explode if he had to; he turned back to the door for a second anyway, just to indulge Louis, or maybe himself. "I don't want you to die, either.", Jo mumbled, knowing fully well what Louis had told him yesterday night, when the world seemed like it had changed entirely enough for him that it was okay to run his mouth in its entirety. "Hm? No ... I don't even know where I'm going, I don't even know when I'm going." That was true - he'd kill himself regardless, there was nothing out there for him, and going back to another circus was only going to make these things worse, at least for his head. "If I leave now, I'd abandon everything and everyone, including you. I don't want that. I don't want you to be sad all the time, or to feel like I'm leaving you behind, and now I'm selfish again. Sorry." Josiah wasn't great at this, he knew, but Louis was going through his own moment of sorts - he sounded like it. "I'll leave, eventually. I promise. But I have something else to do first, for you, for Conny, for the others. And I'm sorry I make you feel like that ... if I'd known ..." Would he understand now? Who knew. Who knew if he could ever let go. "I don't get it, but yesterday, the you I talked to, it's not really you, in a way, right? It's part of you, and I don't think I understand it completely, but ... I'm getting there. I'll figure it out."

"That's not what I mean...", he told Josiah. He wanted to know a place, a city, something. He needed to know Josiah wasn't being stupid. "You should still take her... you need someone to keep you in check and you're not doing good on your own..." And Lucy would be save too. He didn't care that they were all angry at him, that they all hated him, he caused this, partly on purpose. Josiah didn't get it, he was still trying to do what he thought would most benefit Louis, but him dying wasn't it, not even him leaving, but he'd stay and fight and he'd get himself killed trying to save Louis. All of this was getting to him, the lack of sleep, the guilt, the nightmares, all the fears he had festering at the back of his mind, the confusion over what was happening to him that was now even more apparent than before and the pain that wouldn't let him rest either. He was scared and he didn't want to be alone.

"I... no... I don't want you to die... I don't want to kill you..." That is what he said and he felt guilty. What he said in those hours, it was nothing like him, at least before he was like he used to be, a young boy, naive and eager to help wherever he could, but this new him? He was worse than Roy, Alice or Ruth, he was worse than all of them... "Jo please... stop digging... I don't..." He couldn't get out the words again. It was too dangerous, he just wanted Josiah to be save. His knees gave in under his own weight, his head spun and he just couldn't go on like this anymore. He didn't know what to tell Josiah. If he pushed him away he hurt him and if he didn't he got him into danger. Louis felt lost, he felt overarching dread he couldn't escape no matter what he did and he felt that Josiah was not backing off the idea of being at fault for everything when in truth it was Louis.

"I know, but I don't know that yet." Where would he even go? He could read, sure, he could read nameposts, and signs, and places, and other things, but he couldn't be anything exceptional to anyone. Someone like him was best housed here, in a place that collected freaks of nature like they were medals and badges to show off, like they were nothing more than the livelihood of this place, and in a way, they were. A circus was a body, a corpse, and it's performers it's organs, still-beating while either its brain or heart had long rotted into nothingness; they were shackles in place, in the ribcage they called home, working against time that never intended to stop to give them a moment of respite. "I'll take her, okay? And I'll take Conny too, if you want me to ... and if you want to come, too, who is to say I can't take you, too?", he suggested to Louis all of a sudden - they both were sentimental fools, shackled to one another by a connection neither of them really wanted to sever, even if it was beneficial for the two of them, now that they existed in different worlds. Josiah still had his head in the clouds.

"I ... you won't kill me. If I die, it'll be because I want to, and you'll have nothing to fear, it'll not be your fault. Maybe then we can finally be ... you know ... that's me being selfish, isn't it?", he spoke with a chuckle, less than sincere as he started crying himself - Josiah was sick and tired of all of this, but if Louis wanted him to live, he'd start finding excuses to keep trudging through it evermore, through the swamp of his emotions that just murked up with every passing minute. "Sorry. I ... promised you, okay? I know things won't be as they were anymore, but I want you to feel better, and if I need to make some of my own sacrifices for that, I'll do it. I don't mind. It's okay. I'm sorry if I'm hurting you and I'm sorry for being selfish again. I'll ... make sense of it." Could he, though? What if he talked to Alice? Maybe he could get an answer out of her, not Roy, or Ruth, or any of that bunch, but Alice, as uppity as she always seemed, sounded almost like she'd at least entertain talking to him for a second, or two. "Please don't hurt yourself more than you already are. It's okay. I'll stay here if you want me to, I won't come in. And I'll leave if you'd rather be alone."

Would Josiah truly leave? Ever? Or was he going to find excuse after excuse to stay? If Louis gave in now and opened that door, he'd not leave, he'd have this shimmer of hope he always clung too, even now he asked Louis to come with them. He couldn't leave this place. He never tried, but he just felt it, that unspoken law of this place. He was part of it now in more than one way, ever entangled and Josiah would never be able to free him. He wanted to tell Josiah to take as many as he could, but he couldn't, something kept him from it as if it revealed too much about the threat that this place was. "I'm going to stay...", he simply told him while he tried to wipe away his tears. He couldn't be looking like this when he opened that door in a second. For now he got up slowly.

"Jo, whatever you're thinking is going on, you are wrong...", he told him. It seemed he had the wrong idea once more. "I don't want to be..." Saved, but he couldn't say that either. He didn't want any of hem sacrifice more than they'd already given. "Jo... you're making this... so hard..." He did. Louis just wanted someone, anyone. Josiah would be there for him, but Louis didn't want to be selfish. The others though... they still didn't talk to him much. Nobody wanted to accept him it seemed. Louis walked over to his shelve and pulled some things out. In one of the books he'd hidden that money. Now was as good a time as any to give this to Josiah. He took a deep breath before he opened the door to his trailer and just pressed the money into Josiahs hands without any other comment. He was surprised he could do it in the first place. His eyes were still a bit red, but he forced himself to stop crying and he looked at Josiah with determination. Going was the right choice.

Josiah didn't know what to expect, if anything. There was no way for them to leave, it seemed, not together at least, but Josiah didn't want to give up, either. He couldn't figure it out for the life of him, so he'd simply read the book again, then, as many times as it took, as long as it meant that he could actually come up with something for the both of them. This was getting a bit frustrating, maybe even annoying at times, but it happened, to the best of them, for the worst reasons anyway. "Are you saying that because you want to or because you can't leave?", Jo asked, confused, as if he wasn't making any sense himself right now, but he knew that Louis wouldn't abandon him like this, or at least he wanted it to be like that - he wanted the two of them to be together forever if that was possible at all, somehow, even if it was the most selfish of decisions he could ever make. Jo was, in the end, not without fault and Louis was near and dear to his heart for his own reasons.

"Okay, I'll start from zero then, try again, until I figure it out. You can't tell me yourself, I get that.", he mumbled in admittance, which was perhaps the only thing he could ever truly understand in the first place. There was nothing to gain from fighting with Louis, he'd just do as he tought was right. "I'm sorry, just bear with me, okay? Even if you don't think you can. I'll ... I ... I know I'm being ... ugh. I'm sorry, Louis. I should do what's right by you, but is that really right by you? I know you want to keep me safe, but I don't get from what. I don't think I'd be happy if I did ... I don't want to abandon you.", he confessed to him, and he meant it this time, too. No more stupid charades, no more stupid ideologies, and even in death, they could be together but if he left now, maybe that was worse than or akin to heartbreak. As the door opened, he stood there, face painted with confusion, eyes red and watery, and Louis didn't look much better himself. His brows were raised when something was thrust into his hand, and Jo looked back at Louis. "I can't take that ...", he mumbled in tears, hand outstretched and shaking to give it back.

Louis couldn't answer Josiahs question, not truthfully and he couldn't think of a fitting lay or way around it either so he stayed quiet. He was giving Jo too much to work with, but he was scared for him too, he didn't want to lose him! It was all for nothing if Josiah just left to die out there, just so h wouldn't 'inconvenience' anyone. This was not what he meant when Louis called him selfish. "Don't...", he told him. He should stop trying, stop caring, why couldn't he just be happy without Louis? "Please, just... stop caring about me...", Louis pleaded with him. What else could he do? There was nothing left, nothing he could say. Josiah would never back down as if Louis was the only friend he had, which wasn't true. Louis just wanted him to respect his wishes. Josiah was right, he didn't know everything, Louis did at least know more than him, so he just wanted him to trust his decisions, however hard they might be. He was stuck here, but that didn't mean that Jo had to be.

Now that he stood in front of him, it all got so much harder. Josiah didn't want to money, of course not, but Louis didn't take it back. "I don't need it.", he told him. There was nothing he could buy, he couldn't even leave for a town, it was useless to Louis. "Jo... please... just trust me. I know I don't deserve it after what I did to you, but... I just want you to be..." Save. It wouldn't leave his mouth. "... happy." He sighed and put a hand on Josiahs shoulder. "You're right okay? I've partly been acting, to keep you away." Navigating around the restrictions posed on him was hard, he could only talk slowly, thinking about a way out every now and then if he hit a brick wall. "It doesn't work, I get that, but please, listen to what I am trying to say to you. There is nothing... there... ngh..." This was exactly why he never tried to explain anything to Josiah. There was no way he could and it only confused him and made him want to protect Louis from whatever plagued him, but he couldn't. "I don't need... I... Jo I need to deal with... things... myself. This place is just my responsibility alone. Do you understand that? I'm not paraphrasing... Take it."

Was he supposed to cry? To mourn someone that stood right in front of him? To ask for forgiveness from someone that couldn't help him anymore, because no matter what, there was a clear barrier here? Louis tried his best, he tried to keep him save, he tried to do right by him, and Jo was the one that kicked it all down the drain, with the expectation that Lou would just let him, because he always did. "I can't.", he answered Lou with a whisper, as his own body felt like it was going to pull itself apart in a moment - should he be honest now? Confess the sins that lay within his heart? No, he was only going to make it worse for the two of them. Right now, he couldn't afford to be selfish, and he knew that Louis didn't reciprocate those feelings in the first place - he cared, yes, but he cared like a friend would for the other, not in the same sick way that Josiah was caring for him. It was maddening, but at the same time it hurt him, every single time, more and more, and at some point, neither of them would have anything left to give for the other if this went on.

Even now, he looked at him, through tears that blurred his vision, through the sting in his eyes that every single tear left within him as it welled up, even when it hurt. He knew. Louis never went anywhere, but Josiah didn't need it either way - he'd never go anywhere with it. "I can't ... Louis, I can't. You lied to me ... not just once. The last time I trusted you ... you know. I know it's not your fault, not what you want, but I can't. I'm sorry. I want to. I can't." He'd betray a principle - he wanted to trust, but even now, he shook his head. Happiness was the wrong word here, even if Louis meant it, it didn't fit, or even if it fit, Jo knew that would never be the case. The soft gesture made him cramp up, look for a way out, his gaze cast aside. "I know. I understand. But you can't deal with everything yourself ... I ... there's got to be something I can do that isn't running away. I won't be happy if I do that, it'd be the opposite. I'd feel like I ... I already failed you once, I can't do it again.", Josiah spoke through grit teeth, through the gaps of logic that eluded him. "Please ... just bear with me. I'm sorry ... I care for you. I truly do. There's no way ..." Louis, I have to tell you something, but not now., was indeed a thought he had, one he didn't know where to put. "I'll take it. It's okay." Not that he wouldn't put it somewhere himself, safe it someplace out of sight and mind, until he truly left. One day, maybe. "If you deal with all of this yourself you're just going to be like you were yesterday night all the time. I don't want that. That isn't you."

"Jo... I don't know what to do... or what to say... I want you to understand...", Louis sighed. There was no way out. He could never truly save anyone. Leila, then Josiah, then Lucy and Conny, they'd all perish. What if Alice was right and this was about Louis? It wouldn't just stop. He learned his lesson with Lucas, but what if there was more to come? He didn't know what storms they'd have to brave and he just wanted them all away from here before it hit. "I don't want to hurt anyone... " Take as many as you can. Even if it wasn't about the truth, he couldn't tell Josiah to do anything like that. He couldn't tell him to run or leave in that way and he couldn't tell him to take anyone with him, much as he couldn't tell him to burn this place to bits as long as he still could. Maybe that wasn't even a bad idea, but even if everyone but them ran from this place, what then? There wasn't enough material to burn either and if nobody escaped the ringmasters clutches for real, because why would they run further than they had to, there would be hell to pay.

"Jo if you just... if you just are alive and..." save "... as long as you are well I can hold on, okay? That's all I ask of you. You never failed me Jo... I'm sorry if I made you feel that way, but I can't just let you... be you, be stupid and put everyone before yourself, especially me." Louis did the same, he was aware, but there was no saving for him anyway. Josiah took the money at least, if he'd use it was another question. "That's... I... I don't want to be, but... it is very much me Jo..." He was surprised he could keep saying that. That he knew he changed his behaviour, but that his thoughts and feelings in this moment were his own and felt valid. "Jo, come on.", Louis suddenly decided and grabbed his wrist to pull him with. He pulled him through the circus area on paths rarely anyone treaded to the hole he and Conny seemingly used. They could leave the front gate, it wasn't locked and while Josiah definitely got away with it, Louis didn't want to be seen. He slipped through and waited for Josiah to follow. Once he was out nothing happened, for now.

How much longer? How many more? Josiah didn't want to listen, but he had to, there was no way, there was no choice for him to get out of this - he didn't want to disappoint Louis again, and in a way, he ought to do right by him. Didn't he owe Louis his life? To repay him would only be right, to do what he wanted him to do would be the best thing he could do, for the both of them, but Josiah was stubborn, much like Louis was. He felt like they were playing a game - one he couldn't win, no matter how hard he tried in the first place. "I understand you perfectly fine, I'm just too stubborn to ... to listen." Like he always had been, like he always was, and like he'd never not be. Maybe, if he left, he'd finally mellow out, he'd make up his mind, he'd realize something and stop being the idiot that he turned out to be all the time. Jo was sad, he'd never not be, not when he felt like he was being thrown out and away for his own good. Louis was convinced he had to leave, but why? "I know you don't ..." And yet he'd not just hurt him, but the others too. He had to talk to someone that knew more, and if it wasn't Louis, it was Alice and all that surrounded her.

"Mhm ... it's just that ... that wouldn't make me very ... I don't think I'd want that ..." Why even be alive if he wasn't happy? What would he gain from being unhappy for the rest of his life, what would he learn from being in a perpetual state of having to live just so that Louis, who was still doing what he loved, would be able to keep going? They should just kill themselves, together, if that was how these things turned out to be. But Jo couldn't tell him that, he never could tell him anything that mattered, really. "Then we get rid of him, somehow. You weren't always like that, there has to be a way to change it, change you, right?" This was getting hypothetical, and even if it weren't fruitful, he still followed Louis who grabbed him like he was going to throw him out of here, personally. Where was he going? What was this all about? "Where are we going?", he asked, but it was no use, he let himself be dragged places, and he crawled through the hole in the fence, too. Josiah hurt, both physically and mentally still, and he felt exhausted already. His eyes were on Louis, and he wanted nothing more than to take a peek into his head. For now, he followed Louis, unsure what to make of all of this.