eat your young (earinor & marquis)

"Then someone else will leave...", Lucy cried, very well aware that Josiah didn't need all her feelings dumped on him either. She wasn't mad at Josiah for not telling her, she was just sad and overwhelmed by everything that was happening. She was tired, exhausted even and all of this was just too much. It had been bad when Louis and Josiah were always fighting, but now? Leila was dead, Cornelia was a wreck, Lucas was gone, Josiah was hurt and Louis? He turned more and more unrecognizable to her. He wasn't the same boy she once knew, quite the opposite. She didn't understand him one bit and Josiah seemed on the same page as her. Lucy gripped Josiah harder, forgetting about his injuries, she just needed this hug, a bit of comfort, she'd been stuck with the children and hadn't had the time to figure out her own feelings or talk to any of her friends. All of this was just too much and when Louis stormed in the other night, he scared her.

"It's not your fault!", Lucy refused when Josiah apologized. And she knew Louis just did what was asked of him, but did he have to be so tactless and obedient? That had been the absolute worst time and he even got Josiah hurt. "Are you okay?", Lucy wanted to go, finally letting go a bit to scrutinize if there were any obvious wounds. Her eyes were still red and she couldn't shake all her tears. "Maybe I'll give him my piece of mind tomorrow... ugh..." Somehow she felt angry for Josiahs sake, because whatever was going on, he seemed to stick to Louis always, no matter what he did. But it didn't matter, it was none of her business and nothing they should discuss this late at night. "I'm sorry... Jo... can I sleep here tonight? I don't want to be alone...", she asked carefully. She just wanted to be close to a friend.

"It's not something we can control, really.", he reminded her, and he was right about it, too. Whoever the ringmaster deemed as useless, or no longer needed, would go and disappear into the night that nobody ever saw coming. Jo wasn't having it anymore - he didn't want to believe any of those lies any longer or be compliant to them, yet, he couldn't do anything else at the moment and was forced to just accept it for what it was. Was it fate? Was it something nobody could control? He wasn't sure, not when he stood here with Lucy and ran his hand along her back, returning the uncomfortably tight hug in a much softer, but still close gesture. They both shared a burden with their friends, yet, it seemed like that group of theirs was visibly shrinking by the minute - Leila was no longer, and Louis was partially excluding himself from it all, which left him with Lucy and Cornelia, both of which were in no shape to actually do something with themselves at the moment. Jo felt horrible about it; horrible for not being more resilient, for not trying to get Louis or Roy off of his back, but he knew entirely well that there was no escaping any of this.

"It's also my fault, there's no way about it. But I know that, it'll be fine.", he answered Lucy, as if he knew all along that he'd never been innocent in the first place. No, Josiah had always trusted Louis and his judgement, and he was always trying to do right by him, to make him see that he wasn't alone, and that his best friend was willing to support him, even if he couldn't tell him what was going on. In the end, he got what he deserved - a metaphorical punch in the face for blindly trusting someone that had changed, too much. "I've been better. You shouldn't worry about me, okay?", Josiah mumbled in response and pulled a fabric handkerchief from his nightstand, which he handed Lucy to dry her tears with. "Don't exhaust yourself. There's nothing to be gained from chewing him out, I'll be real - it's part of his job. You could take it up to the ringmaster, but I'd rather we don't go near him if we can avoid it." Something told him that Louis wouldn't let him go there specficially, not with how he tried to get him off his back yesterday despite agreeing to take him there - Jo couldn't even recall what the inside of the older mans trailer looked like at this point. "There's nothing to apologize for.", he told her with a shake of his head. "I don't mind, do you want me to go with you and get another pillow? I have a spare blanket."

"I know... still..." Lucy got too attached to the children she knew that much, they always left, barely stayed someone as long as them and took it to adulthood. Leila was going there, but then... It was so unfair. It was really nobodies fault, definitely not Cornelias nor anyone elses. They always trained without the net, they did their tricks thousands of times... maybe they challenged luck one too many times, but either way, the whole situation could have been handled with more grace. The fact that everybody just ignored the issue made her sick too. "No, stop saying that, I mean it. I mean I would have appreciated knowing sooner what's going on, but that wasn't a decision you made. You were hurt and you helped out a friend, nothing can blame you for it. And nothing can blame you for thinking you could trust a former friend." Former, yes. She could defend Louis by saying he just followed orders, but hurting Josiah like that in more than one way? That was a decision he had made consciously.

"I want to worry about you Jo, I've seen how pale you were when... it happened. You don't have to take everyones burden on your shoulders and not expect anything in return. You're here for me and I am here for you, okay?" She took the fabric he handed her and wiped her face. She probably looked terrible, gladly there was only a single candle illuminating the trailer. "Thank you...", she mumbled a bit embarrassed. "I, well yes, but the ringmaster didn't tell him to betray your trust like this or send Roy after you.", she argued, but in the end she would probably not do anything. If Josiah needed her to have his back she'd be there, but otherwise it was his battle to fight. "I uhm... it's fine. I can just ruffle up my coat and use that as a pillow." She didn't want to run into anyone there and she was tired. "Unless you want to go wash up before bed or something, I'll come with, but otherwise, I kind of just want to lie down..."

He knew, too. There was something that he couldn't grasp, and no matter how hard he tried to understand Louis, it didn't work. Nothing got through to him, and when he thought he finally did, Louis started going on about the same crap again, like a broken record, as if he'd explode if nobody else said what he wanted to say to Josiah. Whyever he felt the need to do that, Jo couldn't say, but he knew he could only wait for so long before it would happen again. Maybe keeping away from Louis altogether was the answer, but that wasn't it; he'd been pushed away for years at this point, and Josiah was tired of having to expect that they no longer should interact, or even care for each other. It hurt him, plenty. "I- ... Alright. I don't want to fight about this, not right now, but I politely want to disagree with what you said. Not tonight, though. We'll figure it out some other time.", he told Lucy, firmly in the belief that they'd talk about this again, knowing fully well that that was the case. Why wouldn't they? There was no reason for them to get separated as well.

With broken trust, there was another issue - Josiah knew he could trust Lucy, in a way, but did that mean he necessarily wanted to? No, not at all - what if she wound up just like Louis at some point down the road? He'd not stand for it, and he didn't even want to think about it. "I- okay. But this isn't ... we shouldn't talk about this right now, I don't think I have it in me tonight.", he sighed. His mental fortitude was nigh but gone; he had wanted to sleep when Arthur was still there, and Jo was not going to let Lucy get in the way of him getting a good nights rest either. As it stood, this was all he had anyway - every waking moment that he could fathom himself within. "Yes, I know. It's just ... something has to be up, you know? And I want to hear it from him if I can. He's still my friend, in a way.", he was quick to say, but Lucy was already done with him, it seemed. That was enough for her, the final straw that was missing from the bigger picture. For now, they should focus on other things - like actually going to sleep. "Want my pillow instead? I don't mind. Just ... get in, it should be big enough for the two of us, at least if you like it cozy.", he told her and got the spare blanket from the drawer below his bed, which he unfurled and tossed onto it, assuming Lucy wanted to be the one that slept on the innermost side of it. "Me too, I can't be assed to wash up tonight, sorry ... I'm just spent." Jo sat down on his bed after, and waited until Lucy had crawled in to actually blow the candle out and lay down himself again.

"I just don't want you to beat yourself up over anything. Whatever Louis says, don't listen to him and he's also not your responsibility, okay? He's a grown up who can make his own decisions." Lucy sighed. Josiah was usually running around all smiles, but deep down he wasn't that at all. He always ate everything up and never let it out. Sometime he'd just shatter. That he only punched Louis in the face once was a miracle, but she agreed to not talk about it anymore for tonight. They were both tired. "It's alright Jo, you don't have to talk about anything either. If you just need a hug, you can just say so." Lucy didn't understand why Josiah called Louis a friend still after all this time. She would have considered him a friend too, but he wasn't as harsh with her like he was with Josiah. Maybe he just wanted to push him away and Josiah was right to see through that, but at some point it was just enough. He shouldn't have to fight over somebody who clearly didn't want that.

"I don't want to intrude.", she told Josiah, but eventually got out of her coat, simply because it would be annoying and too warm to sleep in. "I do like it cozy.", she smiled softly. She didn't want to be alone, she just wanted to feel someone by her side. She slipped past Josiah once he pulled out the other blanket and crawled under the blanket. She also made herself small next to the trailer wall in her back, so Josiah had enough room to get in as well. Josiah blew out the candle before joining her. She chuckled. "I remember the bed to be bigger, all three of us used to fit in here." Josiah and Louis were always a team, there was no room for a third wheel, but sometimes she was invited to read stories with them in bed. Half of the time Josiah didn't stay in bed though, now that she thought about it. Lucy would lie down, Louis would read aloud and Josiah would romp around and show off his newest tricks. Lucy wished her childhood back. For now she allowed herself to close her eyes and cuddle up to Josiah, saying nothing for a good while, just feeling his presence and warmth. Still, she wanted to ask something. "Jo...? I... have a weird request.", she whispered into the dark, lifting her head from his chest. "You can say no, I won't be mad, but... would you kiss me? I just... I want to know how it feels." Before she suddenly died as well without ever being kissed in her life.

"Mhm.", Jo dismissed it, simply for the fact that he really wasn't in the mood to dream about Louis, too. He had enough of this man for a night and keeping his thoughts occupied with him only spelled disaster - he'd be inadvertendly reminded of the fact that he was doing nothing but making himself feel paranoid over something entirely outside of his control, all the while he thought himself to be better than that in the same breath. "I appreciate it, I really do.", he told Lucy, knowing that a hug was quite the favorable outcome of their little tryst with one another, but Jo knew that even without her telling him, he'd still be allowed to go there and ask her for one regardless of the situation. Both of them were stuck with the same line of work - the same kids that needed to be wrangled - and hell would freeze over the day they weren't doing it in tandem, or even making a genuine attempt at making it work for all of them. Granted, Lucy was often free of the responsibility of looking over them for the entire night, Josiah saw to it more often with a pep in his step and needlessly much energy, but tonight, even he felt drained beyond compare.

"You aren't." Whoever and whatever gave her an impression like that? Lucy was with them often enough, she was - if anything - a close friend and not some sort of stranger that could get to his nerves in a swift, unwarranted swoop. "Then you're in luck.", he told her with a soft smile, blistering with exhaustion. There was nothing that he enjoyed more than a nice sleepover, but even then, all of these things were merely temporary and Jo knew that that in the end, temporary things ended. "Now that you mention it, it's pretty crammed ...", he responded, his head turned over to survey the distance from here to there. To Josiah, this bed hadn't changed much in size, but granted, it was mostly Lucy and Louis that had occupied it while he romped around, and he'd never once complained when he fell out of it overnight either, in fact, he just kept sleeping anyway. Right now, that wasn't relevant, still, but the callback to old days was resting on his weary mind as he was about to close those heavy eyelids of his and drift off into deep, dark nothingness. "Hm?", he asked, none the wiser at this point. As Lucy voiced the remainder of her thoughts, Josiah's eyes shot open as if he'd just heard something outlandish. In the back of his mind, he felt a pull towards denying her that, but ... what was one single kiss going to do? She wasn't asking to borrow anything and Lucy was, in the end, still someone he cherished and cared for, deeply. "I don't see why not ... it's not like ... ah, no.", he sighed, put his arms around Lucy and pulled her ever closer, away from the tiny corner she'd foisted herself into. Jo leaned in, pressed an almost shy kiss to her lips, but never let her out of the hug he pulled her into. "I'm glad you came by, I didn't want to be alone tonight.", he mumbled.

Jo needed someone to look after him as well, even if he denied it and Lucy felt like it wasn't just her needing some comfort tonight. The small bad was warm and cozy like this, unlike the empty bed she had. It was a luxury to have a trailer for herself, but often she rather had a roommate like Conny and Leila had been. The silence of the night was too often too scary, even before all the things that happened. Lucy preferred the day, when the whole circus grounds were bustling with life and there was always someone making noise. "You grew so tall you can't even stretch your legs out anymore.", she chuckled silently. Jo had changed a lot, they all had, but her and Josiah also tried to hold on to better days, maybe too much. Louis was the one that moved on without them, ran away in fact but now that she gave it more thought, could she really blame a young boy who almost died to change and jump into adulthood without them?

As she waited for Josiahs answer her heart pounded. She feared she asked something wrong, something that got her kicked out, or something that would change how Jo saw her. "Huh?" She had no idea what he wanted to say, but he changed his mind anyway and pulled her closer. He seemed much more mature in this moment. She closed her eyes and returned the kiss just as shy. She felt butterflies in her stomach and was for a moment speechless. So this was how a kiss felt, huh? Did Josiah even kiss anyone before? Maybe his first kiss wasn't hers to take, but she was still glad they shared it. It was more grand than she expected to, with Jo still holding her like that when their short kiss ended. She smiled and pressed her forehead softly against Josiahs. Her arms found their way around him as well. "Mhm... I'm glad too... and... thank you... for the kiss and... for being you." Jo would never lay his feelings open like this, he seemed like an open book, but only when it came to the things he enjoyed, as if he had to entertain all the time. Lucy was glad he opened up to her at least a little bit and took her comfort as well. "Good night...", she mumbled softly and stroked over Josiahs back a little bit, so he knew she was still there, even when he drifted of.

Not all of that was something he'd take for granted - Jo was often secretive, even with himself, and letting someone into his temple of solace wasn't something he'd do because he needed to feel better about himself, but because he knew that some people just couldn't go where he was going anyway. Some of them didn't have the luxury of silence, of a moment of respite, but he had enough of that and often yearned for company instead, which was probably why he also indulged Lucy - tonight wasn't fun, it was washed out and rough around the edges, and the more it all went on, the longer he thought himself to be insane. There were no two ways around this, and there was nowhere to run for any of them. All of this was a collosal failure in any capacity, if one were to at least look at the many things that they could lay their eyes upon that very moment. There was nowhere to run, nor hide, and there was no place to be, not even this trailer, without being plagued by so many thoughts at once that it felt almost insulting. To have Lucy here, and to be tucked away in this little nook, out of the worlds eyes.

"Mhm, you too ...", he told her, drifting off into nothingness soon thereafter. There was nothing to be seen or gained outside of this land of dreams, but if it meant, just for a moment, to feel more alive than he had in the past few days, he'd take the leap again. Jo was, after all, not beyond being selfish, like most of them, and he'd never grapple with the fact that he had enjoyed this, either. His dreams were almost uneventful in comparison, but he welcomed the change as much as he welcomed the next morning; his body felt a bit stiff from cramming itself into what little space there was, but it was better than nothing. With a stretch, Jo freed himself from the perpetual hug they seemingly had engaged in, tenderly so, and glanced to the window. It wasn't late, but it definitely wasn't early either, which meant the kids would be up by now, too. He softly shook Lucy. "Wake up, sleepyhead. Work awaits.", he told her as he slipped out of bed entirely and got dressed - he needed a wash, and breakfast, but the kids first, and then maybe someone should look after Conny. "Fuck." He'd forgotten all about that.

Josiah fell asleep very fast and Lucy was happy for him. She stroked his back a bit longer until she was sure he was fully asleep, then allowed herself to fall asleep as well. She felt save in Josiahs arms and she slept well all night through until she was woken up by a shake. She slowly opened her eyes. She too was a bit stiff from seemingly not moving the whole night, but she slept wonderfully without any nightmares or intruding thoughts. Josiah was already up and getting dressed, while Lucy stretched for a moment. She didn't have any spare clothes so she'd have to go to her trailer first. When Josiah started curing though she looked up. "What's wrong?", she asked him worried. Maybe he hurt himself by moving too much? His body was surely still bruised from the trailer falling on him. She got out of bed as well to see what's up.

Louis felt weird after the last guest left. He was used to just be someone else for hours at a time, but this time was different. But why? He was still not feeling hungry so he skipped dinner as well, he just went to wash up and get rid of his makeup. Ruth didn't come to him again, neither there nor later to his trailer. Maybe he offended her for good? Or she was just too surprised about what happened. She probably told the others, well not the whole story probably, but that Louis had been rude, but then again he talked to some of the others as well, every single one of them telling him he looked different. The guests reacted to him differently too, but that too was probably due to the fact that he himself behaved differently. He could always be charming, but he rather showed kids some magic tricks than woo any female guests. Ugh... he felt dirty for it, even though nothing happened. It worried him too, but there was nothing much he could do about it and if Ruth didn't know what was up, the others wouldn't neither. Louis was tired after this long day, he just wanted to sleep but even though he felt incredibly rejuvenated before, as soon as he switched back to his current self, he felt even worse than before. His scars were still hurting and thus he didn't get much sleep.
The next day he wanted to avoid the breakfast area, lest James would force him to eat, which he didn't want to. Josiah would find him, maybe, if he wanted to perform. Changing it minutes before the show started was near impossible, but he had the whole day to make up his mind. Still in pain and not in the mood for any conversation with anyone, Louis just sat inside his trailer and for once did something he liked doing. He had some time on his hands, so he got a piece of paper and some coal to scribble a few designs for Arthurs costume. If Josiah wanted them to perform together at some point, they had to look the part together.

Lucy seemed to stir immediately and Jo felt bad for waking her in the first place - there theoretically wasn't even a need for it, and in preparation for the coming day, he'd completely forgotten that it wasn't worth waking her in the first place. "I ... ah ... before you came here yesterday ... no, not ... fuck ..." Jo looked better rested than the last day, but there definitely was a sense of urgency in the back of his mind, and he had so much to wrangle, all of a sudden. Was that why he'd been told he was doing plenty already? This was getting stupid, horribly stupid. "Okay so, you know how I spent most of the day yesterday with Conny? I left to go perform and then came back, but she was out like a light both times, so I figured I'll just get up early and look how she's doing, and ... I forgot. Fuck!" It didn't help that Conny was also relying on him, and Jo felt as if his head were finally coming off his shoulders - it had merely been sewn into place, but now those stitches were coming loose anyway. "I, I'll go check on her now. I'm sorry, Lucy, I hope you slept well. I, ah ... If you need me, I'll join you later. And ... thank you."

Josiah bolted, immediately, and ran to Conny's trailer with no other thought on his mind other than checking on her and seeing if she was okay - and there she sat, all glum, crying still, with her head hung low. She looked up just once, and then started to cry even more. Oh, he'd fucked up, alright. "Are you okay?" "I thought you ... I ..." Of course. "It's okay, I just ..." Jo was going to get stretched between all of his duties at this point, but he didn't mind. Somehow, he'd shoulder it, and right now, he didn't have much in mind either. Instead, he was back to comforting Conny, for an awfully long time, until Mara peeked her head in, and agreed to look after Conny for a bit. Thankfully. Josiah used the given opportunity to wash up, to eat and to check on the kids and Lucy; at this point, it was already past midday and he got annoyed over what time he'd spent doing almost nothing. Alas, however, he still had some things to do and one of them was going to face Louis - he hadn't seen him all day, so he went to his trailer, and knocked on the door. "Can I come in?"

Josiah seemed to be in a hurry all of a sudden and Lucy looked at him. "It's alright Jo, just breath.", he told him with a smile. He looked so well rested just a minute ago and now he was in a panic it seemed. Once he explained Lucy saw the problem, they should probably all come together and take turns looking after her, leaving her alone wasn't a good idea at the moment, but it wasn't Josiahs responsibility alone either. "That's okay, I'll look after the kids and you do what you need to do. Bring her some breakfast, will you?", she smiled, if only she could take some things off his shoulders she would. She liked caring for the children. Sure sometimes she also needed a break, but it was no trouble at all getting them out of the bed, to eat and then to train. Josiah already bolted off and Lucy was left behind. She got her coat, checked on the children and then after breakfast just told the it was time they alles washed up together anyway.

Louis liked designing new clothes and experiment with makeup on different faces. Every other week he'd try something new for himself and even as a kid this was what he felt was the only thing he could do better than all the others, not just dabbling everywhere but being good at nothing. Still, today it didn't quite work out. His hand was shaky, he could barely hold the piece of coal and his head was empty. It was frustrating. usually he'd also head out and see to the childrens training, spur them on a bit, but he had the feeling showing his face to them at the moment just did more harm than good. He was never liked by them, but he changed the balance drastically the other evening. Well, at this point it were multiple things culminating. As he brooded over the sketches there was a knock on his door and Josiahs voice. Fuck, he forgot all about that book too. Even if he wasn't a target in the first place, he didn't want to put him in harms way by being silly and desperate. He was about to get up, but then decided otherwise and just told Josiah he could come in from where he sat, putting the coal down on grabbing a handkerchief to clean his fingers with.

There was nothing to compare this situation to, much like there was nothing to explain here. Jo wanted to talk to Louis, plain and simple, just tell him he wanted to perform tonight and that was that, but it also begged the question of who would look after Conny - who had time for that in the first place? Now his own head reeled, he hadn't thought this through, and he wasn't going to bank on having her fall asleep like last night. It simply wasn't possible. Perturbed, maybe even annoyed, he grunted as he let himself in at Louis behest - this was the second time he'd come here, but this place didn't feel any different than it had last time, really. With the door closed behind him, he took in the scenery of Louis working on ... something, and looking like he was miserable in the first place. Why was he, of all people, miserable? Shouldn't he be overjoyed? No, probably not, he had put in his own kind of effort for Lucas, and he was Leilas friend, too. This was getting a bit hectic, yet, Jo couldn't say he wanted to really care about him at that very moment. What had he done for any of them this week?

"Are you busy? I'll leave.", he told Louis firmly, it wouldn't take more than a minute if he had some time to think about it, but he knew that he probably should think this through. Alas, there was a problem that Louis could help with, but did he even want to raise that kind of question to him? "I would like to perform tonight, but ... there's an issue." His decision to be quick and curt with him after and before this was still something he could uphold - he was angry with Louis, he would never not be, but unlike the others he'd at least give him a moment to speak his mind if he needed it, and not pummel it with questions. "Someone needs to look after Conny if she isn't asleep.", he laid out for Louis, almost as if he was asking him for what the more sensible thing would be, when that man hardly knew anything about the fine tethers of friendliness and tact half the time in the first place. What was he to do with himself and this man? "And ... also ... you ..." Look like shit, especially up close, but why care? Why ask? "What's wrong?"

In he came, sounding like he wanted to leave again right away. He didn't stop him, wouldn't run after Josiah if he wanted to be difficult. Louis didn't exactly look forward to an interaction with his old friend. Either he'd be angry, or he'd be overbearing trying to make sense of Louis actions and behaviour when he could not. Louis couldn't explain whatever he did and Josiah wouldn't understand, nor would he believe him if he flat out told him. He worked so hard on pushing him away, for once maybe he finally succeeded, it was selfish to change his mind now. Josiah finally said what he wanted, while Louis just sat there looking at him and cleaning his fingers at first, then placing his hands on his lap, out of sight. "What issue?", he asked taking the bait. Was it really? He didn't think he could deal with any more on his plate right now. It was good that Josiah wanted to perform, hopefully he stuck to the new act and not hurt himself, but Cornelia would have to do something soon too, but not yet. Even Louis knew that.

"That's not exactly an issue I can solve for you." Louis sighed. Why tell him this in the first place? If Josiah didn't want to perform, then why did he say so in the first place? "Look, there is one act at a time, just ask someone to take over." He could run over, get ready, do his act and run back. If Josiah split himself in two for that, fine, Louis couldn't tell him not to and Josiah would never agree that he did too much himself, much like Louis didn't. Then again they had different reasons. Louis didn't want to be alone with his thoughts half of the time and he wanted to make sure that as many people as possible stayed save here, Josiah had this weird idea that he wasn't good enough for anyone that kept him going on beyond his limits. Louis was the wrong one to tell him that though, quite obviously so too. "Anything else?", Louis asked. Josiah looked worried almost, he was already getting soft again, not remembering his anger. What an idiot. Louis should apologize, but it would only get rid of any progress he made. "I...?" Josiah hesitated. What's wrong? Plenty but it was better for Josiah to think that Louis didn't care about Leilas death. "Who said something was wrong?"

"I''ll figure it out myself, then.", he told Louis with a smile that could only tell so much. In fact, there was nothing that he could tell him at all, and there wasn't anything that he had hoped to achieve with telling him that. Louis was, in the end, selfish to a fault and also busy, too. Neither of them should help the other in that regard, but Jo, ever the same, had hoped for some advice in any way. almost as if he wasn't sure on who to ask, or who it could be that wanted to give him a helping hand in the first place - or maybe he'd hoped Louis would volunteer, tell him he'd look after Cornelia, tell her it would be alright in the long run, that Leila didn't suffer, and that she was resting easy now, but perhaps Lou was either too dense, or too delicate to actually care for such things. What a blunder. "Yes, I figured that might be a good idea ..." Did he, even? He lost the important things out of sight and had instead migrated to being rather murky about his own intentions in the first place. Maybe he should be straightforward and just tell him? Would that help?

Louis deflected, sincerely, as always. When did he, ever? "You don't have to say that something is wrong, it's on your face and all over how you act.", he told him in turn, as if his friend was misunderstanding the entire situation yet again. Jo knew him, especially when he was frustrated about something, and he was glad that - at least in that regard - he hadn't changed much, if at all. Time was, after all, not something that was in either of their favors as they trudged through the mud of yesteryear, into an unknown future that seemed to be filled with nothing but obstacles. "Right now, I'd guess you're struggling to come up with something you're satisfied with, and with the way you're sitting, you were probably drawing. But that isn't what I mean." To him, Louis still was partially an open book, after too many years. There was something else that ate away at him, so Jo, ever the sensible one and always the hotheaded one leaned against the door at his back and crossed his arms. "You look like shit, just like the rest of us, but instead of coming to any of us, you are trying to tough it out on your own. Why?" Leila's death felt like an elephant in the room, and Josiah didn't want to mention it, didn't want to ask for an apology because frankly, an apology wouldn't fix anything and he'd still feel like he'd ever trust Louis again.

Why did Josiah ask then? Frankly this whole interaction was tiring. It was easier to just stay away from Josiah, instead of trying to figure out how to best lie to him, how to keep him away, how to keep him save and all that. He cared for him enough to do anything to save his life, but he could only do that by keeping him at a distance. None of the ones who knew Louis before the fire seemed to want to let go of the image of him they had five years ago. Everyone was constantly trying to help him, whether he needed the help or not and Josiah was the worst of all of them. Every little bit of kindness thrown in his direction broke his heart and his resolve and everything just got more complicated and hurtful for all of them. Josiahs problem was solved more or less, but that didn't make him leave. Did he expect Louis to offer up his help? He doubted Conny would want to see him in particular.

"And what is it to you?", Louis asked with a sigh and rubbed the bridge of his nose. He was too tired for this. "Before you waltzed in I was taking a break and doing something I like doing.", he told him in an accusing tone. It wasn't even a lie, he wanted to peace and quiet, not to fight with Josiah - again. Josiah leaned against the door, it didn't look like he planned to leave anytime soon. Cornered Louis didn't have a choice but to look at him and listen. "Oh yeah? And who did you turn to?" Josiah was the same as him, he never asked for help and acted as if everything was alright all the damn time, he wasn't one to talk. "While you were who knows where yesterday, who's to say I didn't talk to anyone?" Technically he talked to Alice, but for different reasons and it hadn't been a very fruitful talk either, nor was it comforting. Maybe he'd just stick to Roy and listen to his stupid ideas, but he actually preferred to be here on his own drawing.

Louis was the same as always - difficult, hard to please and not impossible to read like he seemingly wanted to be. There was something that had changed, alright, but that was that and here was now. Why would there be any reason for him to go anywhere, for him to keep evading a question as simple as this one? Not once had there been a need for him to keep his thoughts to himself, and not once had he had to think this much about something as silly as their current interaction - way back when, at least. "It makes me want to help you, somehow, any way I can.", he admitted to him. Lucy was already done with him, who was to say it wasn't Cornelia next? And what was of him after that? He'd drive every single one away, until he simply indulged in whatever he liked for the sake of it; there was nowhere to go for him at some point, but the ringmaster wouldn't send him away, oh no, he'd probably much rather shut everyone else out than the goldmine that kept working past its expiration date. Was Lou broken already? Hard to tell, but he seemed exhausted even still.

"I knocked, and you told me to come in - if you didn't want me here, you'd not have told me to come in in the first place." He had no right to act like that right now, but there was no reason to get heated - Josiah didn't have the energy, at all, and he didn't want to fight again. If Louis couldn't manage it, then he'd be the bigger person this time. Still, Louis wasn't wrong, but even Josiah wasn't above of telling a white lie - not that it was that in the first place. "I have Conny and Lucy, but you don't even talk to either of them." They used to be a group, but now they were nothing more than a thinly-veiled excuse for how friendships should be - Leila was gone, there was no two ways about that, but who was to say that the remaining ones couldn't still be who they used to be? Louis was still hard to deal with, and Jo sighed. "You didn't. You never talk to anyone, in fact, I'm pretty sure you were busy with your performance yesterday and then went to bed god knows when. Louis, I'm not stupid and I know you feel guilty for what you did. Stop acting like nobody can see it on your face, or the way you move, or how you wrack your head about trying to fill the missing gaps." He had a bone to pick with this man, for many more reasons than just this one; but he wouldn't do it today, it wasn't his burden to carry today. "You can allow yourself to be weak, to ask for help, to be yourself. I know, tall talk coming from me of all people, but I'm too tired to argue with you. I don't want to argue with you ever again."

"How often and how loud do I have to say that I don't want your help?", Louis asked through gritted teeth. Why did he have to force himself into Louis life over and over and over again? What else was he supposed to do? Drag him through the mud? Kill his snake pet? What? It was exhausting and painful. If Josiah would have just stopped caring about Louis by now, things would be much easier on him. Instead he crawled back, hung on to him, told him how much he wanted to help, how much he liked him. It didn't make it easier to push him away and Josiah would never leave this place. At one point would Louis be able to accept that Josiahs inevitable death wouldn't be on him too? What if Alice was right and this was about Louis, about pulling him away from his former friends? As long as he kept the thinnest of threads that connected them, they were in danger.

Louis sighed deeply and rolled his eyes. "I told you to come in because I thought you'd tell me if you perform tonight or not, that is all. I figured it to be easier to just stay seated so I can go back to what I was doing after you left. There is nothing more to it." Josiah was interpreting things into situation that weren't true. Louis didn't want a confrontation with him, not yesterday and not today either. Any normal person would just yell at Louis for what he did, but not Josiah, he had to yell at him because he didn't hate Louis still. "Oh so now I should cry about Leilas death to Conny? Does that sound logical to you? I have people I can talk to, it's just not you. We've grown apart. If I want to I can talk to Ruth, Alice, or Roy." Well that was a lie, but maybe acting like he had new friends would get Josiah off his back finally. "You're not in a position to talk, all you probably did yesterday was comfort Conny without telling her about your feelings. You keep all your worries to yourself until someone forces you to confront them, but instead of doing that, instead of telling someone your grief over a loss, you latch onto the past as if Leila was still alive and if I was still the same." Fine. Different calibers then. "And what am I supposed to feel guilty for, huh?" Josiah didn't know the end of it, not even the beginning. Sure, he felt guilty for throwing Josiah into Roys grasp, but he felt equally as guilty for making a scene when he wanted to get Lucas and he felt even more guilty for Leilas death, but there was no way Josiah would understand and there was no possibility to explain to him what truly happened. Louis forced himself on his feet, he'd throw Josiah out himself if he had to. "I am myself and if you are tired of arguing then stop talking to me."

Josiah grit his teeth, bit his bottom lip shortly thereafter and looked at Louis, almost bewildered, almost as if he'd lost it completely now - this man was off the rocker, or very close to go off of it, and now he was telling Josiah he shouldn't give a shit about him? What was wrong with him? "You change your mind every other minute.", he retaliated. Louis was never set on anything, and Jo wished desperately it were - there was no way to reel him back in, hell, there was no way to make himself heard even now, because it was all the same with people like Lou, like Conny, like Lucy. They talked tall, but what came of it? Nothing. They just carved their own paths into a world made of stone and left behind Josiah, who'd never wanted to stray from that path in the first place - he liked it the way it was way back when, and was caught up in the past, somewhere between the lines of where he'd go to die if he had to. What worth did any of this have, if he couldn't share any of the joy he couldn't even feel anymore? There was nothing, not even a second of something, no silver of truth, no realization to have. This was a charade, and while one of them was mute, the other seemed to be blind. They both sucked.

"Fine, then that's that." He wasn't here to argue over trivialities or details of situations that could be one way or the other. There was nothing to grip, nothing to grapple with in this situation, it all felt like it was up in the air, like a cloud, a haze, a feverdream. "I never said you should go and cry to her. You lied to her, like you're lying to me now, because you don't want anyone to know how you're feeling, and you'll get mad at me for saying it to your face because you know it's true and you suck at admitting it when you're wrong, because you're never the bigger person!", Jo threw in Louis' face. "You're lying.", he told Louis, and he meant it - he was, he knew it, even without concrete evidence. "You are the one that always made a point to stay away from them. There is no way you're looking for comfort with them now.", he accused Louis, and he felt like crap for it. If that was where he found solace, so be it - he could find comfort in someone elses embrace, but Josiah was selfish to a fault. "No." Decidedly, now that Louis came closer, he put his pointer on Lou's chest, digging into the spot where his heart should be, if he had one. "That's what you assume I did. You're always going on about how you think I don't know you anymore, but do you even know me? I talked to Conny plenty yesterday, until I couldn't anymore, and she talked to me, until she was too exhausted to. I have people I can talk to, but you don't, and if nobody comes to you and tells you to fess up, you'd never get anything out either. We are not the same, we've drifted apart, yes, but you know what? I think you're the one that's still the same, deep down, like you've always been and you've ignored that everyone around you changed, because you'd rather live in ignorance over the fact that you're pulling so far back that anything around you has changed." What accusations those were, but now they just poured out of him like Louis had opened a dam that simply couldn't keep still anymore - he'd been stirred, and Jo was going to make it count. "Don't play smart with me, you fucking idiot. You're guilty about Leila dying, you're guilty about Lucas being gone, you're probably guilty about lying to me and having Roy knock me out, but you won't fess up to it, because in the end, you're just like you want to be seen. Like you don't care, and can move mountains on your back." Was he having an argument with Louis at this point, or more with himself? "You're the furthest thing from yourself. I read your stupid book, you dumb fuck."

"I don't! You are the one who doesn't listen and you come back to me practically begging me to say anything nice to you, to talk to you, to do things with you and all that and when I give in because you are maddingly persistent you take it as me still feeling the same towards you as it used to be!", Louis threw in Josiahs face. Josiah was like a broken record. 'You don't mean that. You changed your mind. You're hiding things.' Why did he have to hold on to Louis so tightly? Why couldn't he just let him go? What if Louis just tried and ended it all. Maybe Josiah would leave if Louis was finally gone. What other choice did he leave him? Josiah was torturing him, he was torturing them both actually. Why couldn't he just let it rest? Why did he have to be so adamant about knowing things about Louis after five years had passed?

"You're talking about things you have no idea about. I lied to her because I wanted her to back off and where were you? Hiding with the children. I haven't talked to her since and if she said something different to you, she lied, not me. That has nothing to do with how I feel." Josiah lost his mind. What was he even on about? He wasn't wrong, but Conny had nothing to do with anything. "I recently realized that I have more in common with them than with you.", he looked Josiah straight into his eyes saying that. He meant it, it wasn't a lie. "You want some truth? You're right, I don't want to be alone, but I want to be with you even less. I know you don't hear that, because you don't want to accept it, but don't cry and tell me I haven't explicitly told you." Josiah poked his finger into Louis chest and Louis in turn still stared him down. "I don't care who is stuck in the past and who is not. Point is, we grew apart, so leave me the fuck alone. What the hell more do I have to tell you? Why are you arguing about this with me?" Louis was truly at a loss with Josiah. He kept talking and talking with no idea of what was going on. "You have no idea about any of this or my feelings and you stand here talking about my lies and what I've done and still crawl back to me every single time." Louis shoved Josiah off, seemingly not caring about his bruises or the broken rib. "You don't know me! You'll never know me! You don't know what- Ugh!" Louis throat closed up as it always did when he was about to reveal too much and he wasn't able to let out anything else but a frustrated sound. He balled his fist, slamming it into the bookshelf on his left, almost knocking them out of it as he grit his teeth in frustration. If Josiah truly understood the book he wouldn't be standing here and argue about their feelings. Louis was tired. What else was he supposed to say or do to Josiah? Beat him up? He'd still find something to excuse Louis behaviour. Even if Louis wanted to open up, he couldn't even explain that Leilas death was his fault. With his new found confidence, maybe it was time he talked to Josiah during opening hours...

Josiahs brows were furled at this point and his own head a dash away from being a madder shade of red. This was going to hurt, he knew it, but nothing could have braced him for the impact that was about to hit im like a freight train. There was nowhere to go but up ahead from here - upward and onward, as they always said, and he let all of Louis' stupid insults and dumb excuses trickle on him like torrential rain would; in a pour, hard and hurtful, and not pretty at all, like someone was pelting rocks at him. What use was it that he deluded himself, and what need did he have to make Louis madder than he already was? They both would go insane and bite at each other, like animals in a cage, with the promise of freedom if one of them just died, one way or the other - they'd hold out at the start for sure, but that had long since gone by and they were in here for years at this point, at least metaphorically. They'd changed, the two of them, but Jo was above crying in front of Louis or lamenting the fact, even if he was considering to dismantle himself at some point, if it gave that man any peace of mind - he'd not have to care for him if he was dead, after all.

His breath got caught in his throat, or maybe it was his rib digging into his lungs as Louis continued to argue against him - the door was still to his back, still emitted a loud thud - he always would, they weren't above confrontation, but Jo was tired of having to give it a push every single time, until it spilled over and Louis found the most hurtful things to say about him. Every little one of them, a prickling needle - and Jo, in his ever-expanding genius that was none at all, couldn't help but look at him, with his eyes growing more and more bewildered as his expression shifted from one to the other, until he was left with horror. "You know.", he swallowed it all down, like he always would. "I don't believe anything you're saying. You know I don't trust you anymore. You lied to me one too many times. All of this, most of it, you're at best putting on a show, or an act, but I have an idea to see if you mean it, then." Whether or not he was off his rocker was one of his own decisions - he was stuck in those thoughts that led nowhere but past this world he'd entangled himself within, in this circus that seemed to breathe down his neck for it was his duty, yet he could do best to shirk it. "If you'd rather be friends with them, be my guest, I don't care. And if you've changed, that's fine too. If you no longer care for me, fine, so be it, and I'll do you a favor too, how about it? That way you never have to see me again, like you never have to deal with Leila again, or Lucas again, or all the others. If you don't care and you hate me so much, you wouldn't mind, right? You can laugh about it with your new friends, too and I won't come back like I always do, either. Maybe you'll finally admit that you can mourn about something then." Jo couldn't even muster a laugh, he was at his wits end with that man - so much so he was crying now, without really noticing it anyway - he'd just do whatever he needed to do to get him to answer a single question. "You look like shit, get some rest and sorry for ... being me. I'll see to it that I'll kill myself the next chance I get." Maybe Lucy was right after all.