eat your young (earinor & marquis)

"I wasn't complaining.", Louis quickly responded. Did it sound like that? It wasn't his intention. For how he treated Jo the past couple years it wasn't too out of the question and yet he was too tired to pretend he didn't care anymore. He was too tired to pretend anything anymore, even too tired to pretend he didn't want to give up. Josiah seemed unhappy about the task. When Blair suggested it Louis actually thought it was a good idea and that Josiah would be happy to get more responsibility and be less treated like a child himself. Instead he seemed almost offended as if Louis was scheming something, even though he didn't say any of that. Should he ask? Maybe he wad just making it up. "If you don't have the time, I can ask someone else." Preoccupied with Lucy was what he meant. Louis didn't judge, but Josiah couldn't keep doing nothing either. He seemed happy, maybe too happy with the current circumstance.

"Don't worry, you're not the only one forcing me to rest more. I'll feel better soon for sure..." Blair did and James too. Everyone else either didn't care, wad scared or angry at him or was the likes of Roy and mad on his behalf. "I didn't say anything.", Louis responded confused when Jo apologized for seemingly no reason. He seemed more in thought than ever if anything. Usually he didn't stop talking and either doting on or fighting with Louis. Suddenly it burst out of Josiah, explanations anf excuses Louid hadn't even asked for. He didn't know what to say. "If she makes you choose then choose her. I won't stand in your way." Was that the right thing to say? Louis understood Jos struggle, the fact that Louis was so different and couldn't talk about half the things that were important. Lucy was much easier to deal with. Jo eventually pulled him into a hug and Louis needed it. He didn't struggle and let Jo put his arms around him and pet his back. It felt as if this alone took a load off his shoulders and maybe Jo would never truly change. Louis leaned against him, albeit not returning the hug, but he embraced it in his own way. His head on Jos shoulder he closed his eyes for a much needed moment and took a deep breath. He wanted to answer Jo that he felt like he wasn't acting for years but didn't even start the sentence, knowing that he couldn't end it. Instead he just mumbled a "Mhm" as he swallowed deeply. Was he causing trouble between Jo and Lucy with this? Why could he never just stop thinking? He wanted to just sink into Jos embrace again and sleep the whole afternoon. It felt save before, but it wouldn't happen now or maybe ever again. He pulled free himself not long after. "Thanks Jo... I'll go rest now as promised..."

"Never said you were.", he snorted, sounding halfway amused by the proposal. Lou would probably not complain even if someone told him to hold the tent up by himself, by any means necessary, he'd just do it - Josiah was the one that could learn from him, that had little to no idea how to be as selfless, but he wondered if that was something he had to get around to first, or if the ringmaster wholly expected him to be as selfless in the first place. Whatever the criteria for that mans helping hand was, Jo didn't fit it and he was glad, for once, that he didn't, even if Louis knew well enough what words to pick to wound him. A pout was all that earned him. "I never said I don't have time, and I also didn't complain I didn't like my new task, did I now? I'll do it, happily even. It was just out of nowhere - you usually wouldn't even let me get close to anything you do, might I remind you." Like a cat that had gotten territorial over its food dish, even now that it was empty and wouldn't even feed the cat itself anymore, but Jo would rather he let those comparisons to himself for now, lest he found out that he cared a little too much about his very own black cat among the rest of the circus rabble.

"Only if you actually rest. That includes not moonlighting as someone that feels fine during shows, you hear?", he complained openly, not sure if that, too, would really reach the man he was talking to or if there was genuinely something wrong with Louis beyond the obvious. To be a performer in the circus, they all needed to be a little messy in the head, but Lou seemed like a sponge - he absorbed everyone elses overt craziness at times. "And I'm just being honest." His hand was more of a moral support, running around Louis back to warm him up and give him comfort, not straying too far from his spine whenever it branched out and wanted to make sure that every part of this man was being consoled the right way. Was there such a thing? "I knew you were going to say that, you're such an idiot." Choosing Lucy seemed obvious, staying with Louis only felt like he would be in for a world of hurt that he partially built with his own hands and he, too, couldn't blame Lou for that. Which one of them was really at fault? Wasn't it downright cruel to make him choose one over the other? What if Lucy could warm up to him again after all? They used to be friends, back then when the world wasn't just consisting of theories and possibilities, of snark and mindless indulgences. Before Jo could even think of pulling Lou into much deeper of a hug and betray his own feelings - feelings that he was right to feel, that definitely had to be there after all - he wrested himself free. Beholding Louis, he raised an eyebrow. "And you're going to be fine? Should I get someone else? Should I stay with you until you fall asleep?", he whispered, his voice thin, as if someone would listen in otherwise. "You look beat. Do you have someone to talk to?"

Louis wasn't sure if Josiah warmed up to this conversation or not. He still acted somewhat distant and annoyed. Usually he'd lay out all of what Louis said better than he meant it, today the opposite seemed to be the case. He snapped at him again and Lpuis didn't quite understand what he was doing wrong. For once he just tried to be nice and uncombative. He didn't have the energy to fight with Jo right now. "Sorry.", he apologized and the jab was well earned, even though he usually did all of what he did himself because he wanted it to be done right and without having to fear someone else would die anytime soon. Was it wrong to be relieved that Conny would be on the chopping block before Josiah? It took some worry off at least. Was he feeling that way because he changed even now or because he had to choose his fights wisely? He couldn't save everyone and if he had to choose, he'd choose Josiah.

Jo still didn't understand what happened during the shows, not that anybody else did but Louis tried to explain it before. He sighed quietly. "I can't sit out any show.", hr simply answered and if Josiah wanted to read it as him being too duty bound then that was fine too. Josiah sent mixed signals between his snarkyness and the hug. "Why? I just want you to be happy and I'm not your responsibility.", he answered. Lucy was alive unlike Louis, the choice was easy. He broke free and shook his head. "As I said, I'm not your responsibility. I'm not going to get lost on the way to my trailer.", he refused any help. Josiah explained it, he couldn't just ditch Lucy and Louis didn't ask that of him. Hr would have been happy if he checked up on him, but aside from Lucy being against it, Josiah didn't seem to want to either and Louis wanted this for so long. "I'm... Okay. I can talk to someone else and it's mostly my head hurting, really." And half of his body as if it was still burning, but he couldn't explain any of that and he didn't want to worry Jo in the first place.

"Don't apologize, it's just the way it is." There was no changing that, bygones were bygones and nothing was going to make that any different, no matter how many times Louis wanted to apologize for it, Jo had plenty of things he could also apologize for, yet never did. It was odd, wasn't it? This weird cacophany of a relationship that, usually upheld by at least one of them, was currently not being glued together by either. Not a flaw, not a failure but silent acceptance neither of them were arguing to undo - they didn't have the energy, nor did they have the precious time to do so and Josiah, for one, was glad that he would fail to start an argument with Louis at some point, any point really, because his already exhausted self couldn't stem them both back up on their feet all the time. Partly, most of this was his fault and he could do little to change that, unless he shut up completely - not that he had fun arguing all the time, who would? But with Louis it felt almost like this was the only and best way out, like neither of them could talk normally and when they did, either of them had to be about as exhausted as they could be until something useful spilled out of them. Was he the idiot? Jo sighed.

"You never can, just like you can't leave?", he asked with a raised eyebrow, remembering well enough what Louis started to show him. What would happen if someone locked him up in his trailer, then? Josiah shivered, the thought sounding unwelcoming all around - they relied on Louis, but worse than that, without him there was no assuring what would and what wouldn't go haywire and even that aside, whoever Louis was during the night probably could carry grudges well enough, that much Jo was certain of. He didn't need to experience it for himself either, he just could tell. "And? I know things change, we aren't stupid kids anymore, but it seems disingenious." After all he had tried, to just drop Louis like hot coal, now that he had him somewhat buttered up no less, wasn't that the worst? Jo didn't want to hear it, he himself knew that it was dumb. "No guaranteeing you don't keel over, though." Not from the looks of it anyway. The rudeness of the gesture alone was deserved, yet he looked dumbfounded. "You're sure that's it? Your head?" Maybe it was, maybe it wasn't. Who could tell? Only Louis, if he wanted to. "Then talk to that someone else if you can't tell me, alright? But that doesn't mean you're off the hook. Picking you over her or anyone over another is ridiculous."

Louis nodded, but didn't say anything, because he didn't know how much he could say. He was trapped here as much ad he couldn't control what he did ad soon as the guests arrived. He wasn't sure if it was the ringmasters doing or other things were at play here. Blair didn't change as drastically. As much as he didn't belong anywhere it seemed he split in half trying to find a place in either world. Maybe one of his selves had to die eventually and there was only one side that got exhausted in the first place. Blair told him to keep fighting, if only a little, but it got harder anf harder every day. He wished to just didn't care about anyone but himself, he wished to not be afraid of what would happen next and he wished he didn't care if he was alone or not. If Blair was like them what did he gain from being nice to Louis? He still wasn't sure if he could trust him. He could trust Josiah though, but letting him go and be with Lucy was better for him.

Josiah seemed out for a fight anyway and Louis once more had trouble to keep him at a distance, despite Jo not even looking at him the past couple days. "We don't have to keep something alive that was once important to us. We grew up - differently." They never were alike to begin with but as children they filled out what the other lacked. Now, with everything that happened, they lived in very different worlds and it seemed their paths never crossed." I'm not that tired. ", he assured Josiah. What about Lucy? He said she'd be upset and Louis didn't want to keep Josiah. Was Louis so easy to read though? "My old scars hurt, but that's all.", he answered. There was no point in lying about it. "It didn't seem like you wanted anything to do with me and that is fine, really. You don't owe me anything so if you rather spend your time with her, go for it. I'm sure she'll gladly help you with the children as well." Tjos discussion dragged on longer than it needed to. Louis just wanted to lie down, after he updated the show plan of course.

Was there any point to arguing with him? It didn't feel liike it - Louis would see the world the way he wanted and Josiah would do the same, as was customary with the two of them. Complaining and arguing only drove both of them insane, not closer to each other and Josiah felt bad, once for making Lou go through the hassle of letting himself be annoyed by him in the first place and second for being as much of an annoyance to that man in the first place. Perhaps Lucy had been right, and Lou too - they didn't belong together, never had and never would and their best guess was to stay away from one another the only way they knew how to: Not look each others way in the first place. It seemed cruel, maybe it was, or perhaps just a little sadistic, but regardless of what it was, Josiah couldn't deny he didn't like the thought of it, nor did he like picking someone and then choosing one over the other. Was he selfish or was this cruel? Thoughts spiraled through his mind like a whirlwind that wouldn't stop, all of them at once, as if there was nothing that would last if he wasn't careful enough with the things he'd been given. Happiness was a fragment he couldn't be bothered to share at times and yet, when he extended it to Lou like a stale piece of bread he was done with, it seemed to be met with indifference.

For ocne in his life he didn't feel irritated at the stupid stuff Lou was spouting, or at the argument they were having - he wanted to be the mature one for once, accept things for what they were and then move on with his life. A sigh, that's all he could muster in that moment. "I'd like to, for the sake of it - and because you're still important to me. But it's like walking on eggshells sometimes." Not that he couldn't admit his own flaws, though - sometimes things just wouldn't go the way he needed them to and he had to admit that, despite everything, that was as good as it got. "It's not about feeling tired, it's about you not feeling good." It would only lead to complications, but Jo knew better than to drag this out ad keep Louis unneccessarily occupied with things that he had neither the time nor mind for. "I- I'm hurt to. Sometimes I don't know if I can trust you, you know? But I'll always give you the benefit of the doubt - I'd rather blame it all on the ringmaster than believe for a second any of this is really something you'd pick if you had the choice. You can cry about Leila just like anyone else, if you were heartless you wouldn't.", Jo pointed out the hypocrisy, then shook his head. "You need rest and you're right, Lucy will be upset if I don't get back to her. Go lay down, please? I'm sorry to hear about your scars, maybe there's some ointment that can help for a bit?"