bloodbound. (earinor & akira)

Richard was, despite everything, like a gentle, soft breeze in this awful life of his. All that he gave him, Yujin enjoyed, including the little touches and the gestures that urged him to push one way or the other. “My father? You think they get along?” No other way about it, if the might king of their neighboring country wanted to fetch his brother, weaving across the treacherous seas in a frenzy to retrieve what was lost, or in this case, discarded. Perhaps writing Shuren was nothing more than part of that arrangement, some sort of business deal and Richard was a price that Dayan could win back - were that the case, Yujin would fight them both. Just as that thought crossed his mind, he leaned his head against Richards shoulder and looked up at his face, expecting a change or another word to fall from his lips. Why he did, he couldn’t say. All Yujin did was enjoy his better half’s presence after all. “You’re not going to go with him and leave me behind again, right?”, he finally blurted out, cautious and vaguely offended. Putting him on the spot was wrong, he was aware and yet, he was trying to self-preserve in the arms of a man he’d loathe to no longer get to love - a sheep, a wolf, a mutt of the same design as him. “What if you’re just you? Also, if he comes here, maybe you can have a proper talk with him? You said it never worked in Myriad. What if it’s just him, then?”

He couldn’t imagine any of King Dayan’s potential entourage would do well out here, with the cold being the biggest factor that Silesse had over any normal adrestian sheep. “Trouble? You’re never trouble, but you wanted to visit the graves today and it’s looking like it’ll snow later. You want to go after breakfast?”, he wondered aloud. Yujin was not one to ever judge Richard, however, he was now responsible for keeping the two of them on their toes. Getting his lover to eat anything, even if it was but a small chunk, was more than good enough to him and given how last night went, this was as good as it got. For now, he switched the bowl for the letter in his hand, offering Richard a spoonful. “I hope it’s not too bland?” If he’d eat anything in the first place - changing topics didn’t seem to be much of Yujin’s strong suit anymore, yet it was worth a genuine try at this point, lest they’d glue themselves to a sorrowful topic like that.

Richard noticed how Yujin came closer and sought some form of physical touch. "Your father yes, if Dayan wants to fetch me I assume he will stay for at least one night. He needs a room prepared, he needs food and you can't feed him whatever hellish spices you usually use. I assume your father would want to prepare and I doubt we can just welcome him here in this hut. He'll be your fathers guest not mine.", he answered, quickly listing all that it entailed. He knew how such things worked, but Silesse didn't get many visitors and Nayantai rather stayed out here. "Actually I guess he doesn't even know yet what happened... After the dinner with Yin I wrote another letter, maybe he took it as me wanting to come home." Yujin leaned his head against Richards shoulder and the question he asked shouldn't have come as a surprise. Richard was excited by the prospect of seeing Dayan and possibly Nayantai that he forgot to consider Yujins feelings. He put his arm over Yujin softly. "I... I don't want to leave you... but I am missing my home. I don't know if I want to stay there, but maybe a visit at least? You could come with me?" He asked Yujin before and he didn't seem like he wanted to go. "Yes maybe we can talk. What Nayantai wrote worries me, I don't know what's going on at home. I need to apologize to Dayan too, for leaving him alone for so long. At least I had Nayantai." Could Richard just be himself? He got used to it since he got here. He was just some fallen prince with nothing to his name and he was going to die in Adrestia. Then he was still nothing when Dayan turned out to be king instead.

Yujin reminded Richard of his own plans he almost forgot now that he got this letter. At least it looked like Dayan and Nayantai cared about him. "Mhm yeah. I hope it's not too difficult." Richards back hurt and he didn't stand on his own two feet since. Some cracked bones, maybe some broken from when he hit the hard rock underneath the window. He was lucky he survived the fall and got away with just a few broken bones, he could have ended up much worse. Still moving anywhere would prove to be a challenge. Yujin already shoved a bowl into Richards hands, the same he forwent before in exchange for some more sleep. Was Yujin trying to avoid the topic of Richards family? Richard tasted the food and slightly shook his head, being reminded of his hurting and somewhat stiff neck. "It's good.", he replied, trying to force some of the food down at least. "Yujin? I'm sorry I left without saying goodbye. I won't just vanish this time, but maybe I need to go home for a bit. I'm sure you're welcome there. I can show you some flower fields, maybe some mountains and everyone in Myriad and Fhaergus is very much used to Thrians at this point. You don't need to worry. We don't have to be there forever." He knew he couldn't promise that, but it was too early to draw any conclusions.

Clingy as if he were a guard dog and overbearing all the same, Yujin couldn’t help but wonder if it was within his blood to behave the way he did. Muhan was much the same, the father he shared no blood with, or so he’d heard - ever loyal to his other father, willing to kill and strike down any soul which’d dare interfere with that man’s grand plans, or coveted his imaginary crown. A sum of their worst and best parts, Yujin would dare to reason he was just that, if only he shared both their blood; surely, Richard loved him to put up with all this whining. “Would you want to be back at the castle for that? To be closer? I don’t want to drag you seven places, especially if you’d rather stay.” And yet, Dayan would question the how and why it was that they moved out here and avoided one of the rooms they had. If only Richard was not eager to meet this man, he wondered if they could turn heel and run, flee from the inevitable doom baring its fangs on the horizon. Why Yujin thought of it like so, he wasn’t sure, but he knew one thing: Richard’s brother wasn’t his friend. “Do you? Miss it, I mean.” Terribly, he’d hazard a guess.

His lips felt dry as he swallowed, his hands the littlest bit clammy - whatever was he worried for? “Come with you? I … I don’t know, it’s a little scary. Besides, what if your brother doesn’t want me to go with you?” Then what? Yujin didn’t quite feel like he was equipped for this type of thing, as he’d never been far beyond the invisible walls of his homeland. What would his fathers say? Actually, why did he care? “Did anyone ever tell you that you’re much too kind?”, he awkwardly chuckled, knowing very well that it was no use pretending he wasn’t scared, much as it was no use pretending he had his doubts. Richard had to think he was being a wuss, not an overly cautious guard dog. “I’ll help you. We’re both plenty capable.” Or something like that - Yujin always looked out for Richard, as Richard did for him, at least when they were together. If they were together, that was. “I’m glad, I’m not a great cook - don’t think I’ve ever been.”, Yujin remarked, hoping it would mean Richard at least ate a little every now and then, if not for him, then at least to keep alive. Keeping him by his side was all he could ever ask for - his thoughts swirled, kept on swirling in the ever-same direction involving this very man, happy to see him joyous and somewhat relaxed, a sight for sore eyes to behold. However, he was soon hearing things he’d never once dreamed of in the past, blinking once, trying to make sense of what his brain was processing. “Silesse is drab and there’s too many thing happening all at once, I agree with you going home, even for a bit. I trust that you won’t disappear the same as you did before, I just … I want to go with you, no doubt about it. Also, I’m glad you’re thinking of me this time as well, but I’ll be honest … I’m scared, but I’ll be brave. If this is what you want and need, I won’t say no to coming with you. I wouldn’t dare.”, he finally got out of his mouth, beaming with a smile as he stole a spoonful of rice from Richard. Perhaps silliness did suit him better.

Richard was almost a bit confused by the question Yujin posed. "I... I don't think it's a matter of what I want or not. My brother is king, so we should accommodate for him and I don't want to cause trouble for your family and force them to explain a private situation." Dayan had nothing to do with them and while Richard didn't think he'd do anything as the King of Adrestia to avenge his brother, he didn't want to throw Yujins whole family into some drama that could be avoided. "If we tell my brother what transpired, he might not want to let me come back here.", he added another worry. Richard wasn't his prisoner and he still thought he was probably only putting Dayans legitimacy into question with his presence in Adrestia and he didn't want that. "Yes I do. I thought there was nothing left in Adrestia for me, but part of my family is still there and I grew up there." Surely as the one who didn't want to leave his own home Yujin understood that?

Richard didn't know what was up with Yujin all of a sudden. "Why would he not? I told him about you, you're the sole reason I am here in the first place.", Richard answered. Where did this all come from and why was Yujin so defensive when it came to Dayan? "Huh? Why?", Richard then asked confused. Too kind? Richard was so excited to see his family again he wasn't even sure if he needed to visit the graves today, but Yujin put a slight damper on everything. He even tried to change topic with the food. He wasn't sure his words matched his demeanor and Richard didn't want to be put in a position where he needed to choose between Dayan and Yujin. "You don't have to come if you don't want to.", he told him slowly. Richard didn't quite understand what he was scared of. Richard had been in this foreign country for so long and while he thought he'd be stuck here forever, Yujin could go home whenever he wanted. Besides, what was even here? Maybe some distance from his family was a good thing. "I'm sorry I... m-maybe Nayantai is coming too and everything can be solved here..." Richard put away the bowl after a few more bites. If only Nayantai was here so he could ask him how his fathers have decided on a home when they were from such different places.

Seeing as this situation stood, perhaps his unwavering and unquestioning support of Richard would have been the better approach to tackle this issue with, and yet, Yujin could not and would not bend the knee to someone that he didn't think of highly. All he heard of Dayan, no matter if Richard missed his brother or not, were accounts of him being a brat, or worse, an asshole to the last piece of family he had left and thus, why would he make it easy? Out of his undying love for a far fairer, gentler man? "I guess, but ... I don't want you to feel like you have to always listen to what others want, or think is good for you. My father always decided over my head, too and I kind of keep doing the same to you." Dragging him out here, to be away form Xu, was one instance, a selfish one that Yujin tried to mask as selfless instead. "You're right. We should keep hush and play pretend, then?", he gently re-inquired, still feeling like an idiot for suggesting anything at all. In the end, Richard was lying to himself - if anything, Yujin didn't always bend to his whims, it was the other way around and it wasn't always about Richard, it was plenty about Yujin as well. "I'm sure it's nice there, I didn't mean to doubt your judgement." Wasn't that just a sorry excuse?

Yujin didn't know how to feel - he anchored himself to Richard as a constant, even had an invitation extended unto him, to delve into lands he'd otherwise never even behold with those eyes of his, and yet, he was getting cold feet and almost eager to abandon the opportunity? "He could not like me, want you for himself, or just not think of me as worth it. Am I overreacting?" What for, then? Whatever he felt threatened by, it was akin to a shadow - tall and featureless, with malice in its pinhole eyes - looming over him as if nothing in this world ever mattered to it, as long as it had permission to take what was given or, worse, withheld. His thoughts weren't making much sense to himself and thus, he decided to simply smile at Richard, trying to tide them both over with gestures over words. "You like my food, that's all. Remember the thing with the tea? I sucked at that. That's why I think you're much too kind." And yet it sounded odd, because something stupid occurred to Yujin while looking for an escape from a conversation he didn't want to have, while he was unsure why he didn't want to have it in the first place. What a wuss he was. Manning up was the best and frankly the only thing he could do in this situation; he'd done it before and he'd be forced to do it again anyway. "But I don't want to risk never seeing you again for a second time.", he mumbled, forlorn. Yujin really wasn't good at anything right now, he was a mess at worst and barely functioning at best and then he wanted to care for both himself and Richard, like he had any idea how that would ever work in the long run. "Why are you apologizing? Richard, if anything, I should be. All I'm doing is being selfish - making you bend to my whims, because I'm scared of things that aren't all that scary to begin with. I'm sorry. We can go to Adrestia if you'll still have me and I'll stop being difficult. It's just a lot at once, but all this isn't worth losing you - I'd go wherever the wind would have me, as long as it's by your side." In life and in death, but Yujin didn't want to make it sound so harrowing - he even grabbed Richards hands, both of them, to hold and faintly squeeze, while doing his best to put on a brave front. He was scared, no two ways about it.

Richard decided plenty for himself and this is where it took him. First Olette, then Xu, maybe he was better off letting Dayan decide his fate, or Yujin, but if the two were in conflict, where did that leave him? He didn't understand why Yujin was so apprehensive, Dayan wasn't like Yujins own brother. "Dayan just sent me here because he thought I would heal, with your help, and I did." When he arrived here he didn't speak a word for months and he barely ate or slept. He was doing much better now. Why would he question his brothers decision if it turned out well for him? Yes he felt alone and maybe a part of it was to strengthen Dayans position as king and still, why would Richard blame him for that? He just played Adrestias game and even the king couldn't do whatever he liked. "I just don't thik involving Dayan is necessary." And thus maybe they should communicate the same with Yujins father. Yujin not sharing Richards excitement to visit his home hurt Richard in a way, but he didn't want to mention it. He thought Dayan would simply come here, Yujin would like him and vice versa and then they could go to Adrestia for a while. Maybe Richard was naive in thinking things could be easy for once.

"Why would he not like you? He's my brother, not my lover.", Richard answered, Yujin made it seem like they were rivals. In the end even politically speaking it was probably better Richard was with a man and didn't have any children of his own, plus a political marriage with a Silessian prince didn't sound like a bad idea either and like a reason for Richard to be here and not in Fhaergus or on the throne. "I don't remember.", Richard asked, how odd that Yujin would remember something Richard did not. "I told you I'd come back.", Richard told him. Staying here was probably not an option, at least Richard wanted to speak to Nayantai and maybe visit his fathers grave. Yujin changed his mind, but Richard knew he didn't quite mean it. Whatever it was that made him not want to come, it didn't magically disappear. Richard averted his gaze. Did he even want to stay here forever if there was a chance to live in Fhaergus? Close to his brother and father? "You said we should leave before the weather gets too bad.", he reminded Yujin and got his legs out of bed at least. This barren room didn't have anything to hold onto for Richard to pull himself on his feet and he probably needed to dress warmer first anyway.

And as Dayan achieved his goal, Yujin had nothing else to give - it wasn’t certain whether or not his usefulness had already run its course, but it was obvious that there weren’t as many opportunities to protect Richard in a place one would generally consider safe, like a castle in Adrestia. Out here, there weren’t many either and yet, having someone like Xu already added salt to this overcooking pot of boiling water. “And I’m glad I got you back and that I got to help you.” Claiming that it wouldn’t be hard to let go was an understatement, even if not as much time had passed since Richard came back. Their roles had changed, as had Yujin’s overall life and he was willing to do the same thing all over again, were he not as much of a wuss. Being scared of a man he didn’t even know, yet letting him weigh heavy on both Richards mind and conscience at times, he wondered what else he was failing to understand - and then, a thought occurred to him, one that he balled up and swallowed down. What use would there be for Richard to go back to a land of hate if the one person that, seemingly, tied him to it like an elongated chain to a wooden post across half the continent, if he were dead? “I don’t think it’d be smart.” Having Dayan off his back would, in fact, be much more preferable, especially when thoughts like these plagued him.

“Don’t know, I doubt I’d make a stellar first impression if the thing with Xu as much as came up. Besides, he is your brother. I’m overreacting.” As would anyone that felt threatened. Already he felt horrible for considering Richard’s brother to be better off dead, as well as his first reaction being such a negative one on top of that - he truly was just like his father after all that brain fog and years of missing memories, walled off somewhere he couldn’t reach. “You don’t?”, Yujin sounded confused, to the point he furrowed his brows. What an odd thing. “I trust you.” Even if he still felt betrayed. A pang of guilt spread through his chest, after which he started looking for a way out of this awkward cocoon of his own making, weaved from webs of his own insecurities that kept swinging right at his face. Richard wouldn’t leave him, just as Dayan wouldn’t take Richard from him - he was, if anything, overreacting. Badly. As he sunk deeper into his own stupidity, he looked up once Richard put a dent in his cocoon of self-loathing, which was so unlike him. Suddenly, Yujin had a spring in his step, was back on his feet and beaming, grabbing ahold of Richard’s wrist to pull him up, in a standing position. “I’ll get you a coat or two … and another pair of pants. How do you feel? Think you can stand without me holding you?” If it was related to Richards care, it seemed as if Yujin was more than happy to commit to it wholly.

"If anything he'll thank you. I wasn't doing good back in Adrestia.", Richard told Yujin. Maybe that hurt Dayan, but he couldn't think of a reason why he'd resent Yujin. For what? Besides, he had his own relationship even though Richard didn't approve it. Not that he told him that. "Why are you talking about Dayan like he'd do something to you or this place. Even if he were upset, he'd simply tell you and that is that. He knows I love you, he knows I carried your talisman all the way to Adrestia and that is why he thought I'd rather be with you. If he had thought I could heal in Adrestia, he wouldn't have sent me away, despite me causing trouble for him, I am sure." Richard wasn't sure why he needed to defend Dayan, had he talked so badly about him? If anything he could just understand why Dayan would be angry at Richard and not the other way around. Richard was the one leaving him all alone in Adrestia, while having support from their father all to himself. They had been the ones that left him for dead in that room, thinking that he was. Richard saw him being struck down right in front of him and he didn't question if he saw him die.

"Xu is not your responsibility. You didn't push me out that window. Yujin, I thought you'd be happy for me. With me." It hurt that he wasn't and Richards excitement vanished as quickly as it came. One moment he was thinking about ways to make Dayan feel welcome here and the next he had to defend his brother as if he had done anything bad. He didn't. Yujin didn't want to come, but he also acted like Richard would never return. "It's different now. I couldn't take you along then, I was prepared to die when I went back to Adrestia. I know you don't understand what I felt back then, but now I am not planning the same." He had thought about it a couple of times lately, but not today, he actually felt hopeful for a moment, if only because he was going to see his brother and father again. Yujin came closer to help Richard up. He clenched his teeth and huffed once he stood, but didn't say any more. "I'll be fine...", he mumbled instead leaning against the wall next to him so Yujin could get Richard some clothes. Slouched forward he waited, straightening his back seemed like an impossible task and his shoulder hurt from Yujins pull.

"I don't need him to do that, though. All I need is for you to feel better and like yourself again." Didn't matter if the journey would be long, or arduous, or wrought with hardships - Yujin had very well vowed to stay by Richards side back when he had carved that talisman, one he only had the foggiest memory of. Why was it so easy to remember some things, yet harder to remember others, even with the medication gone from his system? "I'm scared and you haven't talked about him in the nicest way at times. What if he's different now? Or maybe has an ulterior motive? I ... don't know. I'm overreacting, but at least down here I can protect you, or try to. I'm not sure the same can be said if we're in Adrestia.", he fessed up, feeling as if Richard wouldn't want to hear that, as if he put a damper on an otherwise joyous occasion and made an ass of himself for believing that he, of all people, had any say in this. What would Richard do if their roles were reversed? He had to admit, he'd not even given Dayan a chance yet and was already talking about him like he had anything to fear. Yujin felt bad, horrible even, more so now. "Sorry, I'm taking this too far. I should just trust your word and share your joy, but it's hard and I don't know why." Would he ever figure that part out?

"I am happy for you, I really am! It's just me being a worrywart. You deserve better than that." Xu, not his responsibility? In a way, Yujin viewed it differently - Quanxu was, after all, his brother and, in the end, still Muhan's son over Shuren's. All that meant that, inevitably, the throne should be his, one that he denounced and hadn't wanted in a long time and by now, he'd never even assumed he'd one day sit on it. But what if he had to, because his father couldn't forgive his brother? What if Richard would much rather live his life, free of the burden of his own crown, to frolic through fields and moors, to see Adrestia with new eyes, than to spend the rest of his earthly remainder in a glorified prison cell carved out of ice? "I'll be honest, I don't think I ever will truly understand your feelings, but I doubt the old me would've said anything against dying by your side and I wouldn't mind that now, either. Hopefully, we have a long life, unwrought by hardship." Perhaps together, if the tides of destiny would stay in their favor and yet, Yujin was stirring their ship toward cragged stone. "Are you really alright?", he questioned over his shoulder, grabbing Richards clothes all the same. He rolled up the pant legs, then put it on the floor in front of Richard. "Step in?"

Richard hasn't felt like himself since he got here and he didn't think he would. In a way Yujin didn't even know who he was before all this. "He wants the same.", Richard answered, still unsure and somewhat upset that Yujin drew everything about Dayan so bleakly. "He's not like your brother." Was it wrong to bring up Xu? It felt like Yujin thought all brothers in this world were power hungry psychopaths. Dayan was different and neither of them ever truly wanted to sit on a throne and rule a whole country. Dayan never was jelous, he never wanted to take Richards spot and in the end he was forced to. If anything maybe he was upset Richard made him in a way. "I don't need your protection. From what?", Richard sighed somewhat annoyed. Yujin hadn't protected him from his own brother either, had he now? The reason he currently needed so much help was that, wasn't it? Maybe Richard relied too much on him anyway and at times it felt like Yujin was suffocating him. "Do you want me to get better? Or do you just want me to keep needing you? Are you scared I might lean on Dayan some time instead of you?"

Richard didn't feel like telling Yujin he wasn't wrong, because he was, he was taking this too far and Richard did deserve better than Yujin making Dayans visit out to be something terrible as if his brother wasn't concerned for him when he wrote to him. "Shut up.", he blurted out when he started to talk about dying together. Maybe Richard found some of his bite anyway. "I was going to die for something, not blindly followed a guy I barely know." Not that Yujin always had it easy but in a way he did. Most of the things that happened to him he didn't even remember and it seemed like he welcomed being oblivious to most of the truth. Richard had dreamt of his sibling's deaths every night and now his dreams only mixed with memories of torture in a dark place without any light for months. Even if he chose to die still, just to make it all stop, Yujin had no reason to just follow him, nor did he have the right to demand Richard stay, whether that be in Silesse, or on this world entirely. "I said I'm fine...", he told him once more, letting Yujin help him with his pants, but grabbing them himself as soon as he could to pull them up the rest of the way and secure them.

Who was to say that they both would ever truly understand one another like this? "He probably does. He's your brother after all." What had they started fighting for in the first place? Richard was right, it wasn't his place to judge and assume things, no matter what his stomach or brain told him could potentially be wrong about all of this. "You're right, apologies." This had to be anxiety, about change and all the difference that a leap in the great unknown could make - something that Yujin figured Richard would understand, yet, it seemed as if turning that small puddle of hope murky with his mood, had caused them to be at odds. All he did was talk big, he had nothing to back it up and whatever aspiration for today he'd had, it all disappeared like smoke from a fire, once it trailed far enough into the upper echelons of the skies. "A wild animal, or my brother, or any old intruder. It's peaceful otherwise, maybe I spoke out of turn.", Yujin relented, though he wasn't quick to cover it up with sunshine and rainbows. Bummer or not, he'd managed to annoy the living hell out of Richard, thus, at least some of that old self of his was starting to shine through. "Why would I sabotage you getting better? I don't need that, what do you take me for?"

Now he was the charlatan in this equation of nonsense he'd brought upon himself, and if anything, it truly served him right. What did he stand to gain from bringing this up in the first place? Yujin didn't feel a single positive emotion for any of what had happened, while keeping his mouth running and defending a point that never needed to be made. "Alright." Shut up he did, even if it stung - Yujin couldn't be upset either, this was all his own doing and he knew it well. Still, to be treated harshly by his lover, while not new, was definitely uncommon nowadays. How long had it been since Richard had been as annoyed with him? Getting back his bite and his bark should be more joyous than whatever this was - Yujin was in the wrong, he'd understood that point the first time around and yet, he was being reprimanded for saying something he'd meant, with all his heart, past and present. Foolish, yes, but it was better than to spend an entire lifetime alone. "Just making sure.", Yujin bit his tongue and any other commentary on the situation and watched as Richard took the fabric from him, not commenting on it; he already had been shown he'd fucked up. Afterward, he offered Richard the other two layers, to have them worn over his innermost top piece - they were only missing their shoes now. "Do we need anything else?"

"There is no probably. He does.", Richard answered still quick to defend his brother from whatever ideas Yujin had. Where did they come from anyway? All Richard said was that he felt like he'd cause trouble fro Dayan if he remained in Adrestia but that wasn't Dayans fault, it was politics he couldn't do anything about. A king was not able to do whatever he wanted, not in Adrestia at least, because if he could, Dayan would have been the first in line for the throne anyway. When Rain adopted him, he had to, in wiritng, vow that the throne would not go to him, but his own blood. Seeing that Dayan was king anyway, it seemed he was the better option than someone completely different. Richard still not only sharing the late kings blood, but also the blood of an old Adrestian house. If anyone wanted to get rid of Dayan, Richard was an avenue they could take, thus it was probably better for both of them if he remained out of reach. That didn't mean Richard didn't miss his home however. "Because it's all you've been doing and it would mean I'd stay here. You're telling me you'd want to die at my side, you'd had come with me to Adrestia to do just that, but you can't get yourself to visit my home now? Without a looming threat over my head?" Richard didn't get it. Did Yujin even know what he was saying? "I don't want to choose between you and my family."

Whether he wanted to stay in Adrestia or not, he at least thought it would have been easy to take a trip there with Yujin. Richard spent all their time together here in Silesse, in Yujins home which was filled with people he tried to get away from, yet Adrestia wasn't a place he even wanted to consider visiting? It was unfair and while Dayan and Shuren decided for Richard, where he was supposed to stay and Yujin claimed he didn't want him to be pushed around like that, Yujin himself made him feel bad for wanting to return home, if only for a little while. Richard somewhat reluctantly accepted Yujins help, getting into a few more layers he secured rather half-heartedly. "No." Richard didn't have anything to bring, after all no flowers grew out here he could lay on a false grave with no remains inside it. His legs already felt weak and his body strained from the healing it needed to do. Moving around probably didn't help, but Richard wanted to be alone for a while and he wanted to feel close to his family, maybe even asking them for advise. How long had it been since he was able to decide when to go where for himself? He grabbed Dayans letter before they left, carrying it in his sleeve so he could read through it again.

“You’re right.” Beating himself up over it was the sole way to atone for being an idiot - Yujin wanted nothing more than to go back to where he had opened his mouth, expressed his distaste for everything and then gone on a tangent about how he certainly had to be right because a gut feeling kind of, sort of told him he was. An asinine idea, undoable now, but he’d felt like he needed to say something and he was paying for that. Apologizing now, he was sure, would only piss Richard off and he’d not think it was genuine, so Yujin was left with biting his tongue and letting everything rain down on him - he deserved that anyway. Still, wasn’t this all so very unfair? Why was he getting everything in the wrong throat? That wasn’t even what he’d meant. Yujin bit his lip; he’d already fueled this fire enough and the best idea would be to keep his mouth shut, to not let anything affect him beyond that and just let Richard have it, but that wasn’t him either. At least he didn’t waste any expense on laying into him. “Sabotaging you? That’s all I have been doing?”, he asked again, sounding equal measures of astounded and horrified. When was he supposedly doing that? “I’m scared. I’ve never left Silesse for long, never been outside of my families’ reach for long and I’ve never been out on the sea before. I’m sorry I can’t get myself to immediately say yes.” As much as he hated his family at times, it was all he had - he didn’t downright denounce them and he knew he’d miss them, too. Richard saying all of this just stung.

“And whoever said you had to?” Apparently it was him, yet Yujin didn’t think he was being too unreasonable in some aspects of the greater whole, just as Richard wasn’t either. “Okay.” They had reached an impasse, without an understanding. With Richard fixed up and Yujin in his own boots, they stepped out; he made sure to match his pace to Richards, with the snow crunching underfoot and the clouds all grey, Silesse looked more like a prison than an icy paradise than ever. Leaving here wouldn’t be hard, but it’d be the lone thing that he knew in that boring life of his that he knew inside and out. It was laughable, really, to consider how abrasive he was being over a simple ask. Yujin didn’t know, he felt like he didn’t recognize himself at times and he was terrified and horrified by his own thoughts all the same, wondering if they truly could be his. They passed a few trees, laden with snow and void of any leaves, but darkened and cold all the same, pulled apart by the eternal ice and snow down here, like a permanent fixture. Perhaps that was, what he’d become if he stayed here for the rest of his life and while he’d have filled the emptiness with idle chitchat any other day, today he kept to himself and just walked.

Yujin just agreed with him now. He didn't know Dayan, why would he think so badly of him? He was Richards brother and he'd always been his best friend. Of course there had been times they fought, but nothing serious and they always quickly made up again. Even if Richard talked badly about him, that right wasn't extended to someone who never met him. Maybe he was defending Dayan a tad bit too much, but he was his brother, the only sibling he had left, of course he'd defend him. "Caring for me. You've done nothing but. I appreciate it, but it also meant we were closer than before, at least we saw each other more often, constantly even and whenever I try to get you to spend time with your friends away from me it's a chore." Richard did get some time by himself, but asking for it has still been hard and Yujin always looked at him like he did something wrong. "Then stop claiming you'd have come with me last time, you can't have it both ways." And Yujin also exactly knew why Richard wouldn't have taken him then.

"You. You don't want me to leave, but you also don't want to come. Have you ever considered that I maybe don't want to spend the rest of my life here? I had no choice but to leave my home twice, but don't you think I'd rather have stayed? Don't you think I want to be close to the remaining family I have and at least take some responisbility of my families blood? Atwick would have probably ruled over Fhaergus as my younger brother, now that Dayan is king, maybe that responsibility falls to me. There is no one else and Fhaergus has been my families home for hundreds of years, I don't want to just disregard it. If Dayan solidified his power in the realm, I might not have to live in exile. I get that it's hard to leave your home, but this here isn't mine either. I'm not even asking you to come with me forever, but I have to go there if only for a while, to figure out what is going on and make sure I know all that is on the table before making any decisions. I love you, but I also love my family and I want to honor my late father too." Maybe Richard was getting ahead of himself a little, he didn't yet know how the situation at home was, a problem that caused their current predicament in the first place. If he had heard news from Adrestia he would have known Dayan was alive much sooner and none of the happening in Olette would have come to pass. Now again he was clueless with his brother saying one thing and his father another and neither was specific in a letter that passed so many different hands until it finally fell into Richards. As they kept walking the short way to the cliff they both fell down from what felt ages ago, the cold air hit Richards face. The wind, the sky, all things he refused to brave for so long, but it was time to brave more than just that, he couldn't be selfishly living in a far away fantasy forever. "If you want to come or not is your decision, but I'm going.", he concluded having no choice but to lean on Yujin while they traversed the vast white field of snow and ice. He told Yujin about Adrestia before, he always acted excited and as if he was looking forward to seeing a field of flowers, or a lake that wasn't frozen over and now that he had the opportunity, he didn't want to. A harmless lie maybe, or something Yujin hadn't actually considered would be an option and yet it irked Richard that he'd been dishonest. It made his hesitence now confusing and it felt like it came out of nowhere.

Richard behaved oddly at times and Yujin was left wondering if that, too, was partially his fault. No matter how many times he tried to get them both on the same page, it seemed as if nowadays, he was stuck with ahving to adhere to but one thing: Keeping his own opinion to himself, critical or not, unless he yearned to make a fool of himself. On one hand, Yujin wanted nothing more than to make certain that he was doing the right thing and keeping this man both loved and save, on the other, he felt like he was walking on glass at times, like now. "Because I don't want you to miss out and feel lonely. There's so many people in that castle, and I get that you want us both to have our own lives, for me to be less clingy, look, I get all that. I want you to feel seen and loved too.", Yujin mumbled in return, wondering if he truly felt like a chore to Richard or if he was simply being difficult now, to drive home a point. Wasn't it always this man that claimed that, no matter what, he wanted to decide for himself, then turned around to beg Yujin to think for him, only to change his mind again and then get upset when he finally tried to? It was all so stupid, to now build a tower and wall out of all the things someone had ever said in recent memory, yet he did, like Richard owed him anything at all. Yujin, too, was stupid, but he knew as much half his lie. "I never said I wouldn't have come around to the idea? You wouldn't have taken me if I had begged you either way." Why, again, was he the bad guy here?

"And I never said you couldn't leave, or that you have to stay in this icy wasteland until it melts off the cap. I don't want to choose if I don't have to, and I never once said I wouldn't come with you - all I need is time, is there not plenty until your brother shows up? Not once did I assume you were happy in Silesse, because there is nothing here but ice and snow and a few rotten trees and the odd animal, but you have to realize that it's all I know and that things are easier said than done. And before you say anything: That doesn't mean I never meant what I said." How hard could it be to understand that? All this talk about honor and succession, when Richard was nothing more than the gullible lamb that was being led to the guillotine, for all that Yujin could tell. If his brother truly didn't care, why, he could elt him rot here but if he wanted him out of the world, it was hard to do from half a realm away. "It's not like it'll kill you if you go alone this time, either. I don't know why you're like this - am I not allowed to dislike your brother, who has dumped you down here and not sent word to you or any other wolf of his alledged survival, to come and see where you are, at any point? Not even a little mistrusting?" Apparently it wasn't the same as someone else tossing Richard out of a window, and yet, Yujin couldn't give less of a fuck about Xu at times - whenever was it that they last had shared a good memory with one another? Maybe back when they were children, many a moon ago, but none in recent memory, or ones that stuck in the first place. Dayan, on the other hand, was being painted like he was a saint to Richard, who seemingly ignored all the weird things that Yujin had found odd in the first place. "You don't have a choice if you want to go anyway. Like always.", he finally sighed and then, as they reached the cap with the graves, stopped as to not walk them both off the cliff yet again. What was all this talk about Richard not liking that Yujin not once had something to himself, or always defaulted to whatever Richard wanted him to, yet, when he finally gave him attitude or voiced his opinion, he was shot down?

"But I don't want to keep dragging you down and holding you back! Don't claim I don't. Before, we would both go hang out with your friends, drink some wine and smoke. We'd go and watch the fireworks or just spend someplace else than the castle or this hut. Don't claim you only want to sit at home with none but me as your company. Cooking for me, cleaning, getting firewood, trading for food." Yujin did little else these days, he rather sat around waiting for Richard to maybe want to spend some time, rather than miss the opportunity by being out enjoying himself. "When we talked about me showing you some meadows, and the mountains and lakes in Fhaergus or the gardens in Myriad you sounded like you'd go with me in an instant. Because you thought it wouldn't happen? I... ugh... whatever..." Reading that Dayan came to fetch him filled Richard with so much happiness and hope, something he hadn't felt in such a long time and then for Yujin to hate the idea of Dayan coming here and the possibility of Richard going with him for however long, simply made him incredibly sad and torn. He thought Yujin would be happy for him, it wasn't about him being scared to take on such a long journey, it was about him making it sound like it was a bad thing.

"I was happy here with you for a while and I was happy coming back. I was glad I could spend time with you but I am equally as happy to see my family and my home. I just don't understand why you make it sound like Dayan coming here, or me seeing my home is a bad thing.", he explained. It hurt and he simply couldn't understand why Yujin was so apprehensive about it. When Yuji talked about Dayan again like he did, Richard pushed him off, or rather he pushed himself away from Yujin who he'd leaned on until now. If he had more of his strength back maybe he would have punched him, but for now not touching him anymore had to suffice. It was a decision he made in an instant, one he didn't think much about, but that he took offense was an understatement. His body lacked the strength to make a point and his legs gave way under him. At least they already reached their destination. Sitting in the snow he looked up at Yujin his lip quivering. "He thought I was dead as much as I thought he was! He didn't 'dump' me here, Nayantai brought me here thinking I'd be save here, thinking Dayan was dead as much as Flora and Atwick are and while I had at least him, Dayan was all alone and almost died as well! While Nayantai nursed me back to health Dayan was surrounded by nothing but strangers! He didn't even know we were alive, much less that we came back and still he found us and saved us! He had reason to be mad at me, for abandoning him, for having our father for myself and for leaving him with the mess of an aftermath, a half wolf with no noble blood nobody ever wanted to see on the throne, but instead of complaining or blaming me, he asked about the talisman that he noticed was wrapped around my sword and I told him about you. He sent me here because of you you idiot and wasn't he right?!" Richard wiped away some tears before they froze on his cheeks. "Do you think he had it easy? Do you think he didn't want to be by my side? Even if he sent me away partly because of power hungry nobles in Adrestia, how is that his fault? I am questioning his legitimicy by just existing and he rather has me out of their reach than for them trying to use me. We've been together our whole life, he's my best friend, I know him! So no, I won't just let you badmouth him and yes I am taking offense by your unfounded mistrust. If he just wanted to ship me to somewhere else, why would he come here himself? He could have just told me to get on the next ship." Yujin was wrong about Dayan, he got it all wrong and Richard wiped his face once more with his sleeve. "Going back last time was my choice...", he reminded Yujin under his breath, then turned to the crosses they put up for their family, wiping the snow off the tops and grabbing the one that was meant for Dayan to try and pull it out of the frozen ground.

"And who said you were dragging me down? Why are you frustrated on my behalf? Do you really think I'm just going to sit around and never once complain if I dislike something? That's not how this works, I'm doing all of this because I love and trust you and because I'd rather have fun with you than have you be all by yourself and not have anyone to talk to until I come back home." Wasn't it unfair that he hadn't changed? Yujin wasn't the same as Richard, likely why they didn't see eye to eye once more, but he had his own streak of misfortune at times, much like he had his own dieas about life and the way it worked. It bothered him that Richard thought he still knew him when Yujin himself had no idea what he wanted nowadays, or couldn't tell genuine feelings from a sudden rush of emotion that occupied his mind for just a little too long. There was nothing to be gained from any of this. "Are you misunderstanding what I just said on purpose? I just told you that things are easier said than done - also, I couldn't remember shit back then, I doubt it would have taken long to forget just about everything. Of course it'd be easier to go with you then when I don't have an inkling of an idea of what was beyond what I knew last week, but yes, whatever." All of this made his head spin - Richard was forcing him to advocate for himself, then turned around and tore into him with things that made no sense. Yujin felt hurt, but perhaps that wasn't the point and maybe this was a test, too. What if he stayed here, then? What if Richard never came back, just like he had planned the first time around? Thinking about it made him feel like an asshole, but despite everything, he still felt like it would be easy for Richard to up and leave a second time without saying a word, to save himself from admitting that he caught feelings.

"But that's not what I'm saying! You can go home, you can see your family, I just said I am scared of leaving all that I know behind and that I don't trust your brother - those aren't the same things. Does it bother you so much that I can't jump for joy when you're being forced to do something yet again, regardless of if you like it or not?" Yujin already knew he should have kept his mouth shut and the moment the topic of Dayan was breached, sore enough to almost make Richard cry immediately. What was it with him and that guy? A brother that Yujin never had and a bond he never shared with anyone - he couldn't comprehend it, it seemed and just as he was unable to do that, Richard seemed incapable of cutting him leeway in different directions. As the blonde looked at him like a beaten dog while complaining, Yujin pinched the bridge of his nose between his fingers and his lips gave way to a sigh. "You didn't abandon him, your father did and I also didn't say he dumped you the first time around, but he most definitely dumped you in my fathers lap when he sent you back, but you won't even consider my angle, so whatever I say on his will only make you more upset. Sure, he was right in sending you back, but did he ask you what you wanted or needed? I can't imagine you went crying to him about how much you missed me, or that it wouldn't have been easier to bring me to yours instead of the other way around. Even then, I'm sure you'd be happier if I was still the same old idiot." Exile was the right word here, not because there were fanatics that would hut down Richard if they stayed elsewhere, rather, he'd be out of his brothers line of sight and claim to the throne. At least Yujin saw it like that and he knew that he might be wrong, and yet, whether or not he could trust Dayan, he drew a blank. "Neither of you had it easy, but you're cutting him so much slack and trusting in him so blindly, I don't know what to say. You know me, I don't ever mistrust you, or question your judgement, but something just seems off. I'm sorry, this clearly wasn't the right topic to bring up and I was out of line.", Yujin relented and kneeled down next to Richard, who, after all that he did, looked more like an upset child that had fallen on his ass after letting go of its parents hand. From his pocket, he pulled about an unblemished piece of fabric, offering it to Richard as a tissue to dry his tears with. "And after that one, how much was?" Not a lot, but Yujin clearly felt hurt himself, even if he did his best not to show his sore side too much. If these things kept going like this, they would stop working out and Yujin would have to admit one thing: Perhaps, taking that stupid medicine was all they had going for themselves in terms of getting along. For now, he simply watched Richard - offering his help was one thing, and Yujin wouldn't withhold it, but Richard's pride might have taken enough blows today, much like Yujins own.

"I think you're too busy looking after me, to be looking after yourself. I don't doubt that you want to do all of this for me, but I doubt you ever take a step back to make sure you are alright yourself.", Richard simply answered. They talked about it so often. "And it's not romantic to want to die if I do, it's not noble to come with me on a suicide mission and it wasn't noble going for revenge either. Sometimes I just want everything to end and it's not fair for you to put your life on my shoulders as well. I have to keep myself together for my and your sake, it's hard enough to wake up in the morning..." Yujin would probably see it as a reason for Richard to hold on, to keep going, Richard felt it put even more pressure on him to get better and to forget what happened in the past. "Then put your heart where your mouth is... don't say something if you don't mean it. What's the difference to a lie? If you would like to see some flowers in Adrestia, but you're scared to go there, you should have told me so from the start. There is enough lies everywhere as is..." For Yujin it seemed like just a thing he said, but Richard took his words serious and thus it confused him when he didn't like the prospect of coming with him. Richard pulled Dayans cross out of the earth and put it on his lap instead.

"Yes, because you see it that way. Because you make it seem like my brother is pushing me around, when I was genuienly happy for once, when I finally felt hope for the future. Nobody is saying I couldn't tell him I wanted to stay. Just because he sounded a bit brazen in that letter doesn't mean he won't listen to me, but it doesn't matter, because I want to go home, as much as I didn't need to argue with him before coming here, because I wanted to see you..." Yujin kept going on. Why? "I barely spoke to him, I barely spoke to anyone, I didn't eat and I didn't leave my bed. You know how I've been when I arrived here, there was no asking me anything and you don't want to come to Adrestia, do you prefer a world where he kidnapped you to Adrestia to please me? There is many reasons it was better for me to come here and not the other way around and I am sure he didn't want to let me go after he finally found me again, but no matter what explanation I give you, you find more reasons to hate him. Why? He isn't like Xu, he never wanted that throne and now he is forced to keep it if he doesn't want an uproar in the kingdom. This is bigger than his feelings for me. Why do you want to convince me he doesn't care about me?" What did it have to do with Yujin anyway? Maybe if he didn't remember how his own brother wronged him for such a long time, maybe he'd not be like that. "You are questioning my judgement right now. Dayan and I were even born in the same year, he's only a few months older than me. I've grown up with him, there wasn't a day I didn't see or speak to him, yet you want to tell me all he does is for his own selfish plans, whatever those might be? You want to convince me that he abandoned me here? That he wanted to get rid of me? Why do you want me to feel that way, why do you want me to think my only remaining family rather had me locked away here forever? I don't understand." Yujin kneeled down next to Richard and offered some fabric, but Richard refused it. "I couldn't make my own choices afterwards."

“I’m plenty fine and I’m doing fine, thank you for your concern.”, he cut Richard off in the end, citing all of this as ridiculous and below his own honor. What had he ever done to deserve this kind of treatment? Suddenly, it was as if he was all the same - even Richard treated him like he was too dumb to know what was good for him right now. Just like his father did at times, with that stupid look on his face, wrought and eroded by disdain and acceptance. Yujin frowned, visibly so and averted his gaze after, looking out at the cold, dark sea swallowed by the horizon. “I’m not looking to die together with you to be remembered as a tragic lover, or to dump more work on you. Your life and situation aren’t easy. I mean what I say when I say I’d die for you, or with you but I wouldn’t want it to be senseless or heroic. That’s just stupid and I’m not an idiot anymore.” Maybe he never had been, but a life as carefree as a butterflies’ had always been the easier choice - this wasn’t. His old self would forget any of this had ever happened in one, maybe two weeks and his current self would lay awake and have to confront his own words, over and over, until they finally started fading a little. “Aren’t you being a little unfair? I get you’re excited, and I don’t see why you shouldn’t be, but it’s … forget it, it’s fine. I’m stupid today.”

Yujin just kneeled for a while and wiped his eyes with his sleeve, before he turned back around to face Richard. “Because it doesn’t make sense to me, he’s treating you like something he can pick up and then put away and it’s annoying because you deserve better than that. I should have just kept my mouth shut and let you have this.” That one thing that Richard had been looking forward to and the one thing that Yujin genuinely ruined - he was such a bastard, and he’d not stop beating himself up over this for ages. That, too, was too little too late but it was better than anything else, really. “I’m sorry, I didn’t mean to make you feel that way. I don’t … it’s just … it’s probably nothing and I’m being dramatic for no reason, overreacting and behaving like a child. I didn’t- I shouldn’t have said anything. I ruined your mood, didn’t I?” Yujins shoulders slumped a little and he tried his best to smile gently, not with the intensity of a thousand suns like usual. That felt inappropriate right now. “I’m sorry for putting you on the spot. I know all that and I’m being irate for no reason, too. I’m probably more scared than I’m willing to admit, and all of that just … it’s not fair to you, or your brother.” In the end, he had to put the cloth tissue away, seeing as Richard hadn’t taken it from him. “You wanted my help and not more work.”

Richard was tired of this conversation, of Yujin trying to devote his whole life to Richard and making it his whole personality. He was tired of telling him, that he felt terrible and that he didn't want to be a burden and he was tired of being told he wasn't. Of course he was, he couldn't even stand up on his own. He was tired of Yujin acting like dying for him was something good, it wasn't and Richard didn't want it. He wanted Yujin to live and have fun in life. Richard couldn't trust Shuren, he couldn't trust Dayan according to Yujin and he couldn't trust Yujin either as it seemed. If he was truly on Richards side, why did he talk a good thing down so much? Richard clenched the cross he held in his hands and stared at the grave of his father. Why did he have to die so soon? Since he did everything went downhill, as if he was the only thing that held everything together.

"He's not...", Richard whispered with cracked voice, if Yujin told him a few more times, maybe he'd believe it. Richard didn't toy with Richard, he wanted him to go somewhere he felt save and maybe he wanted to get him away from Nayantai after what had happened between them. Richard didn't have a chance to explain or talk to Dayan about it, so it probably looked worse than it was. Even if Yujin apologized now, Richard doubted the excitement for his brother came back, at best it was the fear of not knowing how long he wouldn't be able to see Yujin, the fear of upsetting him and making him feel like he was abandoning him once more. But Richard had to leave, he had to talk to Dayan and to Nayantai, he had to take some responsibility and he probably should publicly announce his support for his brother too. "It's fine. Can you just leave me alone for a while? I want to talk to my father..." That had been his plan all along, he just needed some time alone, time to reflect and time to honor his family by himself.