eat your young (earinor & marquis)

"Tired?", Louis asked, "I thought you didn't need to sleep?" He wasn't sure anymore. Maybe healing his body still took some energy, it had to come from somewhere, right? When Louis was still eager to learn and more into science than magic, he learned something about that. There was always an exchange happening, nothing just appeared or disappeared without leaving something else behind, or asking a price. He wasn't sure anymore how the world worked, but maybe this was still true. "If you're too tired we can talk tomorrow.", Louis suggested and as the light flickered alive and Blair sat down, Louis saw the aftermath of the fight he'd had with Roy. Blairs eye was swollen and partly blue, his jaw looked swollen too, where he lost that tooth. It was certainly not healed yet and it didn't even look like it started to heal. When Blair asked for a cloth of some kind Louis nodded quickly. "Ah, yes. Should have some water around too..." He heard the people in the cities drank beer or wine, because it was saver than water and easier to come by, but the ringmaster didn't care about any illnesses. They had to catch the rain water, or find a river and heat it up. Whenever someone got sick they got tea instead and Louis had some as well, from when Josiah brought it from a town.

Louis looked in one of his cabinets to find some suitable fabric, then he grabbed a bowl and a pitcher with some water he poured into it. He put the bowl on the table and soaked the fabric a little bit before pressing it to Blairs face carefully. Louis grabbed his hand to make it hold it himself, only to notice that his knuckles were injured as well and in fact he also noticed a cut on his arm. Whether this was Roys doing or Blair got hurt during the act, didn't matter much at the moment. He turned his arm to get a better look at it. "I should get some bandages for you." He doubted an infection would kill Blair, but why risk it? It was better to take care of it than just leave it, even though it didn't bleed anymore.

"Yes, it's weird." Today was weird, shifted, odd. Something wasn't right and it somehow managed to throw everything off, like some sort of weird, perpetual exchange that someone had caused, for no reason other than to make everyone else a little more miserable. "Neither did I, but apparently my body wants to rest. Well, wants is a big word, I think it just needs energy." Something to tide itself over with, but Blair had no idea where that 'energy' would come from - sleep didn't work, eating or drinking didn't either and he couldn't imagine his body gained much from him sitting around and waiting for the next rays of sun- or moonlight, to replenish him in some weird photosynthesis reaction. "No, no, all fine. I just figured you'd want to know if my body is being even weirder than usual, given this entire thing." Blair stopped to gesture at himself and the fact that he still felt the remnants of that confidence he'd mustered earlier, seemingly out of nowhere too. Life was, after all, strange around these parts and the ringmaster didn't really treat it as scared, especially not if the life in question had already been forlorn and relinquished to him. "You don't-" have to do that., but before Blair could get it out, Louis was up and running again.

He sighed and watched that man do everything yet again, loving and doting and overbearing as he was - could he fault him, though? It was etched into his being like embroidery in someones costume during a performance, meant to either accentuate something and add to the intrigue, or to mend away some sort of flaw. Was Louis doing the same? Trying to hide his flaws by pretending he had none whatsoever? It made Blair think, worry even and as that thought sunk its claws into him, his breath hitched whence he felt the cold, damp cloth on his face and the warm motion on his hand. "Louis.", Blair grabbed his hand, clearly not willing to let him go look for bandages and run away from his food, which was still warm. "It'll heal, I'm already dead. You aren't. Eat your dinner or James' will be mad and I will be, because you had to have cold food since you insisted on doting on me." That was ... as well as he might be able to put it, but it was worth an attempt. He let go again before long and leaned back, holding the cloth to his eye and chuckled. "You always dote too much on others, relax. Nothing will ever change that." They all lived and died but Blair, well, he was dead and walking, so that was something else.

"Well maybe Roy is the same, he just doesn't show it. Having to rest to heal I mean." Was there no one they could ask about it? Blair spent too much time with Louis, openly too and it seemed to have rubbed Roy the wrong way and maybe the same went for everyone else of them too. Just Alice seemed more to herself, but she didn't like Louis particularly either. "I wonder where that energy comes from..." The ringmaster? Maybe he happened to distribute less for their misbehavior or the lack of customers. Sure he didn't only have control over Louis. "Yes, thanks for telling me. But the weird feeling is gone? You've been so different before too. You looked very scared, now none of that remains? Are you still angry?", Louis asked. Wanting to punch Roy was probably not an unnatural feeling by any means, but acting on it was very unusual for Blair and Louis as well. "Ah... I wanted to tell you more about Roy, didn't I...?" He couldn't even remember anymore who he told what and how far he got with either Blair or Josiah. It was definitely easier to talk to Blair.

While Louis tended to Blairs wounds, he got stopped. "We don't know that. You bleed, you have a heartbeat." What did they know anyway? It didn't feel right to only worry about Josiah, but not about Blair. He'd been through enough and he'd been through it all by himself. Blair let go and Louis relented anyway, sitting down across from Blair. He wasn't hungry, but he had to eat. "Besides, I owe you that much." Blair had cared for Louis as well, patched him back up, made sure he could rest some and hopefully get rid of his headache,... "I'm...", Louis wanted to complain and claim it wasn't so. He did, but it never worked out. He sighed. "Nothing good ever comes of it." And nobody asked for or wanted his help anyway. Josiah always claimed he was fine and was upset when Louis told him he wasn't, as if not performing was a punishment, or simply mean on Louis part. As Louis thought back on today he noticed something. "Wait, did you say Roy asked for me to do his makeup before you got into that fight?" Roy knew Louis wasn't there, he saw him, didn't he? Not that it mattered, it was just one of many antics... "Sorry... what else was I going to tell you?"

"Would fit him, he's a sly bastard that one.", Blair laughed, sounding well amused at that point. It wasn't anything new either - frankly, Roy was one weird ghoul that roamed the streets and thought that the rest of the souls having to wait for the end of all times were at his beck and call, whereas he was but another slave to that much beloathed ringmaster of theirs, who seemed like an angel at first glance, when he offered them immortal life initially. "Could be anything. Maybe the moon is offset, or hell has frozen over, or maybe the ringmaster ..." And there was nothing else, but not by the power of some sort of spell, but by Blairs lack of knowledge on the topic. Not once had he cared for these things and never again would he; getting to the bottom of that pit, the mistery that seemed so all-encompassing, it only seemed to spell out a world of hurt that he needn't live within. "The weird feeling is gone, at least for now. I don't know why or how, honestly, but something is definitely ... wrong? It's just not the same, I'd say, but I'm neither overly angry nor much more upset than I was before." Which had the capability to mean absolutely nothing as well, regardless of the provided context. "You good, Louis?" Now he sounded strangely out of it.

Blair was looking at the blank ceiling with the one eye that wasn't partially throbbing and painful - would it be bloodshot if it didn't heal in time? Would he have to find out how to heal himself eventually, if this persisted? "And yet I don't sleep, don't eat. Something is not alive within, like I've been frozen in time and yet, not at all." Could he even get sick? Louis could - Blair likely wasn't carved from the same kind of wood as him, not that he had the immediate urge for a comparison like that anyhow. "Please, you don't owe me anything. One hand washes the other, that's all there is to it.", he claimed, sounding as if he was unwilling to accept kindness, moreover. "I'm fine and haven't gotten mauled by anyone yet. A little scuffle with Roy I can take, so I'd say I'm not affected by whatever bad luck you claim clings to you like a shadow." Was Louis the only man in this world that could see what he imagined? The drizzle outside intensified and pangs of rain started hitting the small window this trailer had. Strangely enough, it was soothing. "Y-yes? He came to the tent pretty late, looked for you and then yelled at me and Josiah, about wherever you are, said he needed help with his makeup and all." Thinking about it now, when had Roy ever taken that guys help? Wasn't Ruth the one fussing over him? "Something about your other half and something about the lack of Josiah trying his best at times, I think. Sorry, I'm beat ... That show felt like it sucked me dry of all energy I had, which is a new one."

"Maybe it comes with age too, I don't know. We don't know how long Roy is around for already, right?" At least he'd already been there when Blair and Louis both were still children, but he suspected he was a bit older than those 15 odd years. "I'd suspect it's him. I wish I knew more about him..." He almost exclusively talked to Louis these days and mostly didn't even show his face to anyone, yet Louis knew nothing about him. He also never let that trailer unattended, least of all times when Louis entered. He didn't have the guts to poke around in there anyway though. For a moment he asked if Louis hurt body healed by normal means, or if the ringmaster had to help him out and maybe that was why everything went weird? No, not everything was about him. The same question could be asked when it came to Roy and Blair. Maybe the fact that Louis hurt him that much caused something in the whole ecosystem of the circus to shift? Not Blair was added to the mix too. "Despite everything, right now at least, you seem more energetic than usual still. Not that that's a bad thing, just something to note." At least he was less shy, wasn't he? "Y-Yeah. Why? I'm just tired." That he was for sure. He always felt tired after a show, it wasn't like someone elses body pranced around the tent full of energy, it still drew from his own. Louis looked at the bowl of food and forced some of it down his throat.

"You aged, at the very least. Maybe that is more fitting too, frozen in time, not dead? We don't know if you are..." Louis didn't like the notion of being the only one still able to be saved. In his mind that applied more to his former friends, Josiah, Lucy, Conny, James, and the others. Louis believed he died in that fire as much as Blair died in his bed one day. Either they both were a lost cause or both of them had a chance. "No, you helped me a lot, while I didn't even notice something happened to you... I'm sorry." He also felt like he talked way too much about his own problems. "I've dragged you into this fight with Roy in the first place, into this whole mess. You've been fine before you spoke to me. Josiah is in danger because of me too..." He hated not knowing what game Roy was playing. Why was he in Josiahs trailer today? "He saw me before he went to the tent. I'm pretty sure he knew I wasn't there. Not that that means anything, he just wanted to cause trouble I assume..." Or let everyone know Louis wasn't around, maybe to make him look unreliable. "Ah yes... I... it's weird. One day I tried to talk to him and gave him a book I thought would help him understand without me outright saying any of it. I don't think he read it. When I was at a loss for words once more, I... well I kind of lost it and I just wanted to run away with him. I dragged him past the fence and a bit further until... I couldn't go any further, it... it felt like that day. I don't know what he saw, I know I see more than he does... But he saw me collapse, dragged me back here, stayed with me for a while and then... he didn't mention it since, as if it never happened. I... I don't know, I think that's weird isn't it? I'd start asking more questions if our roles were reversed, right? I... I'm not after his pity, I just... I don't understand it..."

“No dice, could be as old as the ringmaster and he wouldn’t look a day over … ugly.”, Blair opted to insult him, not sure how old he’d guess Roy to be, physically. Few things in life escaped his notice but frankly, he wasn’t quite the best in social situations for a few good reasons, his inability to be noticed one of them. “He’s like an enigma to me. You open one door and he closes five others, like you overstepped your welcome once you even think about asking one personal thing. Knows too much, too.” Freakishly much, even. To be attentive to his employees was one thing, but to have the upper hand in that many situations was witchcraft in its own right. All they could, realistically, do was flail like fish out in the open, begging for water when the sun dried it all up and stranded them in the mud, slowly and painfully suffocating every last one of them. “So less like usual even now. I’m still not sure if I hate it or if I’d prefer to be my regular shy self.”, Blair admitted, taking the cloth off of his eye to wring it out a little, then switching sides and pressing it back on. “I shouldn’t keep you up too long then, you need to save your energy.” What a cryptic way of telling someone to stop worrying and get some good shuteye instead.

“I’d get back up like Roy if you killed me, probably. But that would also mean I’m either alive and immortal or dead and immortal - at least until whatever it is that the ringmaster has runs out.” Did he even have something like a physical contract? Annoyed, he furrowed his brows, trying to remember just what plagued him so much about this. Nothing came to mind, only an itch followed, somewhere at the far end of his mind, trying to get him to look further in his memories that felt all so fragmented. Louis made it worse with the commentary that followed, making Blairs frozen heart skip a beat. “No one’s ever told me that, you know? Thank you.”, he whispered, sounding flustered, a lot more like his old self had. This, too, was just another way of grieving, huh? “Louis, you really worry about lot for all the people around you, to the point it makes you ache.” Something not everyone could or did, yet, it did make for a rather conflicting scenario. “You need to let go of some of that, as harsh as it sounds. You’re going to wreck yourself before long, you hear? And then we’ll be mourning you, you wouldn’t want that.”, he finished the sentence, making sure to make eye contact as best he could to give Louis a hard-earned smile. “You think Roy is just messing with us? All of us?”, he proposed, trying to make sense of what Louis had experienced and what his own feelings were. Blair found that, despite everything, maybe it wasn’t so bad to have someone to hunker down with and talk. Someone that listened to him, while he listened to them, and as Louis spoke, Blair felt bad, knowing that it seemed to hurt him even more now that he laid it out. Tired as he was, Blair couldn’t move far, but he reached across the table to grab Louis’ hand and squeeze it tight. “You do think someone’s messing with them, don’t you? Not just Josiah, or Lucy, but all of them, especially if you tell me stuff like that. It’s … I don’t know what I was expecting, but that sounds … How do you even deal with that? Does it hurt? Do you feel lost? Alone? Abandoned? I don’t know him, but that doesn’t sound like him. He’s overbearing and annoying when someone is down in the dumps and if it was you, I’d see him locking you in your trailer to keep you safe instead of abandoning you like that. Something has to be wrong here, but what?” Blair looked at Louis, who seemed tired beyond compare. “You should lay down.”

"I doubt he's that old... I don't know. I always felt like Alice was the one around the longest." Simply because she didn't involve herself that much and also because she seemed to know a lot more than the others, despite not sharing any of it. "I don't know about your sickness, but sometimes I wonder if he caused the fire and then I wonder why. Did he know I'd get hurt?", Louis asked, "And then I wonder why he took your and me, but not Leila..." Louis begged him too, but the ringmaster didn't listen, took her and just sent him out. She wasn't dead yet when Louis brought her there, so why would he not keep her around? Was it because for some reason she wasn't useful enough? Was it because for some reason he couldn't? Or was it because he wanted to punish Louis, because he didn't obey him and because he didn't want him to have a friend? What about Blair then? Was he in danger? "If it's like with me, you'll remember all of it and also... uh...it's hard to explain. Even in hindsight it feels like it made... sense? Mostly anyway, not always, or rather... ah... it makes sense, but I didn't approve, but it's also what I wanted..." When he said something hurtful or attacked Roy, it made sense, it was what he wanted, maybe even something he'd think right now, but nothing he would have acted on ever. "Wh-When I attacked Roy, it, he... I... just took over. I was angry, scared for Jo and it was like I couldn't do it, so he did it for me...? I slit his throat in the blink of an eye with no hesitation. I thought he was dead..." He meant to tell Blair anyway, but he was unable to look at him while he did. He lost all his appetite. "Oh I didn't mean to make you leave. I... doubt I can sleep right now."

When could he sleep anyway? The headache did him in lately, but his thoughts spiraled every time he tried to close his eyes, thinking about too much, worrying about his friends, or remembering that day. "What if it's reversable?", Louis posed the question. What if he could help Blair somehow? "Nobody knew... I'm sorry. I'm sure the others would be too, if they knew." He felt stupid and terrible for assuming Blair had been like the others all this time he knew him. For a moment he looked up at Blair, but looked away when he met his gaze. The food was abandoned fully at this point and Louis clenched his hand into a fist. "No, I... I'm not caring as much as I once did... and I feel like the less I do, the more I slip...", he whispered. It felt like he needed to hold onto his humanity, as if it was running through his fingers like sand. Sometimes he felt like he cared more when he changed and it scared him. "Roy is... primarily trying to get back at me I think. Whoever appaears close to me will be dragged into this. Josiah and you..." Louis knew it was his fault and he also knew that Roy would never take an apology, he tried that already. Louis almost pulled away from the sudden touch, it surprised him as if he'd forgotten he wasn't alone in here. Another short glance before Louis decided he couldn't manage looking at Blair right now. "I... I don't know... I tried so long for him to forget about me, to hate me, so he'd rather find another place to work at..." Blair asked the same questions Louis asked himself, but neither of them had any answers. Louis kept hiding his eyes behind his brown hair falling into his face. "I... uh... I made all of this about myself again, I'm sorry Blair. Are you sure you're fine on your own?" Louis was tired, yes, but he still worried about the changes Blair went through.

“It was mostly a joke, I’ll admit. But I get the sentiment.” The ringmaster seemed impossibly old, Alice seemed old and annoying, despite her appearance. Maybe she’d be willing to splurge a little on them, if they sold themselves to her just right? No, he doubted it - she wouldn’t give up that cozy life of hers for a simple jab at a man like the ringmaster, Blair couldn’t be convinced she was willing to help at all. “Leila was most likely an example to show all of us that nothing can persist forever, but the fire, I can’t say. Sure, it might be his fault, which would mean he’d need a goal - do you think he messed up?” During the fire, which would explain why Louis came out all wrong and half baked, despite the flames claiming him. “What a pain that man is …” Pain in the ass, that was. Blair didn’t take kindly to him now, not that he had for a while, but he also understood why Louis wouldn’t. “So it’s like your deep, dark desires taking hold of you, even if you think you’d never act on them otherwise?” Blair couldn’t say he didn’t fantasize about beating the absolute crap out of Roy before, or hurting him in some grand way. The more injured and pained that man, the better - the fact he’d felt genuine bloodlust just irked him out. “Would you say you, uhm, he? Work Louis? Appears when you have to deal with stuff that you’re unsure about or scared of? Maybe he shows up when you’re about to go do your work in the tend because you’re subconsciously scared of the fire, but then that’d mean he’d have to show up during the day too.” Which Blair hadn’t taken note of and couldn’t recall Louis mentioning, either. That alone was enough to disprove that theory at least a little, taking them further from the goal. “I’m not leaving, I can keep you company if you prefer.”

Once Louis started spouting utter nonsense, Blair couldn’t help but chuckle a little - it was cute he thought that way and yet, it seemed like a distant dream. “I wouldn’t get my hopes up, realistically it’s likely permanent.”, he reminded him. No one could say if it really was, but it was probably weird if it weren’t. “That’s fine, it’s okay. I’m just glad I didn’t die and that was it. Believe it or not, I like being this version of me, mostly anyway.” Not all of it was something Blair was keen on at times. If people paid more attention to him and didn’t keep going on about how absolutely impossible it was to find someone like him often enough, that’d already be enough for his tired mind. Instead, nobody took note of him - all of them just … ignored him? Was that the right word? “Letting go is scary, you should try and cling to what you have but don’t overdo it, which is a really hard boundary to balance. I wish I could help you more.”, he mumbled and squeezed Louis hand a little harder. Blair was, by all means, a people’s man but the only people he had was Louis, which meant … well, it didn’t mean anything, come to think of it. “And I can take his antics, Josiah is a little too mortal for those. We should keep an eye out. I’ll help so you can rest a little better.” Not that he was terribly font of this twerp, but he was sure it meant something between the world and his heart if someone else would help Lou with keeping his own peeled. This man simply did too much, all the damn time too. The way he talked about Josiah and their relationship just made it worse. “He’d never abandon you, I know that much even from afar.”, he scoffed. Blair knew that Jo wasn’t anything but a hissy little kitten, it truly didn’t surprise him in the slightest that that was what Louis felt their relationship was like. “I wouldn’t have offered to talk about it if I didn’t care, Louis. I’m fine, I’ll tell you if I’m not. Thanks for checking.” Without another word, Blair got up - he didn’t leave, he went to Louis side of the table and motioned toward the bed. “I’ll stay with you until you’re asleep, how does that sound? If you’d rather I leave already, I’m also not opposed. But you need shuteye, desperately.” At this rate, Louis would fall apart alone, Blair didn’t want that to happen if he could avoid it and avoid it he would. For both of them. Somehow.

Blair was right, it was his fault, his obedience and his idea of being able to make a difference that killed Leila and that would have probably never made the ringmaster consider making her part of the interior. "I... don't know. I've had a lot of bad dreams while I healed in his trailer... I'm not sure what of it is real." He couldn't explain himself why he'd be someone the ringmaster would mess up on however. He doubted the fire was meant to hurt someone specific, or maybe he wanted to get rid of Louis, but he always behaved, didn't he? Not that he was still out for his approval now... "It's not always been like this, but you know that. A few months ago I felt... I think I felt like I used to, but also trapped. Now I feel free, partly at least but if I only did what I desired deep down and if I only did what made me happy, why would I care so much about the show?" No, he knew he was himself still and he was still scared, or at least unwilling to let somebody get hurt. It sounded strange. Blair brought up an interesting point however. "The tent? I don't think I am scared of it... I'd have more reason to be scared of entering the ringmasters trailer. Maybe it's more me missing the energy, but then I don't get why it didn't happen today and usually doesn't happen on days with no shows... there is still plenty to do after all." Louis gave up on making sense of it. "I don't want to keep you.", he then replied.

"But you think you can help me. Realistically I am also beyond help.", Louis replied who preferred to save Blair over himself anyhow. "You do? If you could go back, you'd not?", Louis asked, wondering if this was still Blair acting off and not like himself, or if he truly thought that way. "I just feel so tired. Like fighting against a storm, I don't even know what I am fighting. Sometimes I just want it to end...", he admitted. Especially lately that his barriers were worn down more and more. He kept up the strong act for such a long time, but now it only got worse any day. He started to wish he has died for real, or that he'd finally turn into what this place wanted him to be. "I appreciate your help...", he mumbled. What made Blair suddenly approach him? What made him suddenly want to help this much? He was still a bit suspicious even though he didn't want to be and the change in his demeanor... was he messing with him? Was he sick of an act? No, it was unfair to think all that. He looked up shortly when Blair talked about Josiah. "Then I already lost." Then there was no way to change Josiahs mind. "But I invited you hear to talk about your problems. not mine." Everytime it was just about him. Louis looked up at Blair as he suddenly got up and made the step over to him. Louis sighed and relented. He got up and shook his head. "I'd rather you keep an eye on...", On Roy and Josiah, but Louis stopped himself and shook his head. "No, I'd rather to stay if you don't mind." Not for Louis sake, but because Louis worried about Blair too and what Roy could do. "I have some books, if you get bored...?"

No one was inherently at fault, Blair knew as much, yet they were playing the blame game for the sake of making someone - one of them - feel just a little better. If this helped Louis, he didn’t want to be the person to shut him down, but if it wouldn’t, he also couldn’t be the person to claim understanding. “Bad dreams? Nightmares, then? Do you mind sharing any you remember?”, Blair dug deeper, no longer sure if he could make do with sitting around and waiting for something to happen. The sole reason he was involving himself in the first place had been that he wasn’t content with how life was going, only to then realize that maybe that’d never change. “Hm, that’s also a change. I can’t make heads or tails of that, it sounds like you did what you thought was right, which, realistically isn’t a dumb idea, but if nothing outrageous changed, why would you suddenly feel more at peace than before?” This proposal didn’t sound too stupid, even if Blair wasn’t sure where it came from. Did it hail from a different idea entirely? Was there something that he was missing? “So it’s the show, not the tent? That’d make sense, but why the show? The fire happened in an empty tent.” Though, Blair’s own symptoms had only gotten stranger the closer the show was to starting, wasn’t he? “You’re not, don’t sweat it.” What a thoughtful man.

“Yes and no. You’re very much not like me or Roy, but also not like Josiah or Lucy. You’re like … a mix of both. Maybe if we push one half back to the other side somehow …” That would fix the issue? It sounded ridiculous but at the same time, why not try? Blair just didn’t have the foggiest on where and how to go about it, let alone did he have an idea on what it’d mean to try. “I think not, mostly because I don’t even know what the real me would be like at this point.” What if there never was anything beyond his initial life - maybe his death was supposed to be the penultimate finality and the ringmaster just wanted to piss off God. “And yet you sit through the storm. It’s admirable.” Louis was much more resilient than he’d ever been, that much was for sure. Were it him, he’d given up, been swallowed by said storm and come out the same way he was now. “And I appreciate the companionship.” If only Blair had answers for him. Tonight was oddly enough already - the rain only picked up its pace now and from a quick look at the window, he could see the flash of a bolt of lightning on the horizon. Ah, tonight would be one of those nights, then? “And you share your problems with whom, exactly? It doesn’t seem like telling Josiah would be of help - especially if he just forgets, but I won’t. I probably can’t.”, Blair gently reminded him - was he the ringmasters protégé or his little puppet? Only time would tell, time that Blair wouldn’t waste or want to waste. “I can’t quite stalk him with Lucy around. He’ll be fine tonight, but I’ll keep an eye on him tomorrow and after.” One worry less and Lou could, maybe, finally sleep a little and relax, now that he acted like he had no desire to, even if he clearly needed it. “I’ll take you up on both of those offers. Come on, go lie down - do you want me to get you anything? Tea? A cloth? Clean clothes?”

"It's a bit muddled... I remember Josiah dragging me to the trailer and then being shut out. I couldn't breath, it hurt, I don't know how much my brain just made up, but I think I dreamt of that day multiple times..." Louis didn't quite know where to begin, or how to describe it. He had the image right in front of him, how the ringmasters eyes turned red and his mouth opened up way more than it should, like a snakes, but with rows and rows of teeth and the fires of hell burning inside. When Louis thought he had found the right words to describe what he saw, real or not, nothing left his lips as if the air had been sucked out of his lungs. "I...", he couldn't even tell Blair that he couldn't tell him, but they already knew that even though these restrictions seemed less so between them, than between them and people like Josiah, that they couldn't just talk freely still. "I'd like to know how Roy and the others died...", he suddenly mumbled. Maybe there was a clue or a way to understanding, though Roy would never come around. "It's more like... I wasn't feeling like myself. I did afterwards, but not in the moment. Like being on a leash that is now gone." That part of him seemed to have vanished, or maybe it was just burried and drowned out by another. It somehow felt like Louis was splitting into different pieces, but all of them were still him. "I wonder if I'm myself even now..." Maybe he just was a different version, the one that worried and felt responsible, the one that wouldn't fight or throw punches. "Because maybe it's hard for me to handle how I am right now?", Louis proposed. When he changed it always felt his actions were to a degree meant to protect himself. Telling Josiah off when he hurt him, telling Blair to better not betray him and attacking Roy to make him stop fucking with Louis. "But if you're tired maybe you should try and sleep too, even if you say you don't. You seemed very tired before."

Louis gaze fell upon both his hands. When flickering flames or the dim light of the moon fell on him, he could see how he split apart. He wasn't sure if Blair saw it too. The hand that lacked any scars from the fire was just that, a normal, human hand, albeit pale and reflecting the light, yet not as pale as Blair was. The other however, the one touched by the flames burned even now, with black flames licking at his surroundings, his shadow dancing on one side and being still on the other. When he looked at Blair he didn't see any dancing flames, but he saw him crumble, holes in his skin and if he were to expose his heart it would probably be infested by something too. All of them looked different to him, it scared him at first when he was allowed to leave the trailer again after months. Now he was kind of used to it. "I think that half is forever gone.", he admitted. "None of the others ever leave. Don't you feel like a prisoner here?", Louis asked. He sure did, but he also felt physically more restricted than the rest. "I don't want to be." If Josiah would just leave, Louis would give the ringmaster whatever he wanted... Louis looked out the window. This was the kind of weather that always scared Josiah. At least it would deter Roy from doing anything suspicious too, he probably didn't want to get soaking wet, no matter how angry he was. "I appreciate someone listening..." But it wouldn't solve any of his problems. Louis closed the curtains of his small window. The rain was hammering against the roof. They could only hope lightning wouldn't strike the tent. "No I'm fine.", he refused any more help. He washed up and changed before. Louis crawled into his small bed, cramped into the back of his trailer. "Are you sure you just want to sit there while I'm trying to sleep? Not that I'd feel any better sending you out there right now."

"Which means its mostly always the same, is what you're saying anyway?", he wanted to clarify, as if that hadn't been clear in the first place. Blair wanted no harm upon Louis, he wanted to understand what made this man work, or what caused his innerworkings to be the way they were. In the end, they both were in the same boat and no matter what it was that they tried, they wouldn't make any progress without a helping hand, be it one anothers or someone elses. "It's alright, I know how these things can be." Unfair and downright idiotic, too. But Louis raised an interesting point as well. "I don't think we'll ever find out, if theys even remember. We could ask Alice, but I doubt she'd be much of a talker - Ruth's off the table, so is Roy. Maybe ..." Blair furrowed his brows as he tried to remember their names and faces, as if he hadn't been by their side for literal ages at this point, unable to leave, whether he wanted to or not. They were family, fucked up and destructive, but family. "We could ask Andrew?", he suddenly blurted out, like that guy was their key to something, yet Blair didn't even think he'd say anything as long as Roy was still around, or the ringmaster for that matter. "You think it's got something to do with him? Is anything different?" Safe to say the ringmaster was a mysterious being, one that none of them could quite fathom but it was also unjust to claim that the old man was anything but, well, scary. What else could he do? "Whether you're you or someone else is up to you, I'd say." Not that someone else could take that part of Louis away from him and not like someone like Blair could tell him that. "No point in it, there is no sleep that I can find anything in, no dreams that give me solace. Sure, it might be worth a try, but it might also be a waste."

Blair had plenty of time, he simply believed that most of it was spent better in other places, by other peoples sides or within the vicinity of nowhere near his bed. They all had one, to lounge about and also for appearances, but there was nothing to be gained from that - it simply gave them the option to feel more human in this world that already claimed they weren't and the rest of their "family" would feel a lot less suspicious, too. Louis was making weird enough faces and Blair smiled at him, trying to figure out what had caught his attention. "Something in my face?", he offered, wiping the corners of his mouth and eyes like he'd eaten something, seen something, felt anything - there was nothing, not at all. Neither lost, nor gained. "Lost to the flames or the--" Ah, right. Maybe that wasn't the truth, but it seemed suspiciously close. He didn't dislike it necessarily, but he'd be lying if he didn't hate it. "Sometimes more often than other times. It's a way of ... perspective, I'd say. I can still go places, though." As long as he didn't stray too far, a visit to town wasn't something that seemed to be outside of their capabilities - Roy never went, nor did that side of the circus much, but someone had to for supplies and other knickknacks - it was their maid, Blair, often enough. "I know. Are you scared of inevitably losing him?" It wasn't the nicest way to say it, but the best way to convey it, even if it was harsh. Then he shook his head. "I'm glad I get to listen to you. You and I aren't so different after all, but I never would've guessed that." Thunderstorm shut out, Blair raked his eyes over the books Louis had offered and wondered if his brain could parse a single word in them tonight. "What do you think I do during the night? I sit and stare and rest my eyes. I don't think I have changed my bedding in months because I avoid being in it, it's cramped anyway. You worry too much - I'll be fine, but you won't be." Blair grabbed one of the books at random and then sat at the edge of Louis' bed, once he'd tugged himself in. He smiled at him. "I'll be right here if you have another nightmare, unless I'm in the way? I'll grab a chair if this is too close.", he offered, scooting a bit to the side to give Louis breathing room.

"Similar, I think." Sometimes he dreamt about other things entirely. Demons, ghosts, hell. He seldomly had pleasant dreams, he just sometimes was fortunate enough to be so tired, he had no dreams at all. Blair understood Louis couldn't say more and thus he stopped trying. "Alice never wants to talk to me. Neither do the others, unless they are playing with me." Like he was some kind of prey. He wasn't sure what made them hate him. Be it that he was only half like them, or that the ringmaster chose him to speak for him. Maybe they were jealous while Louis thought it was nothing to be jealous about. "Maybe he's talking to you. I... don't think I make things easier for you being around you." Roy said something akin to that at the very least. "I really don't know... but I know the ringmaster knows. He adressed him when talking to me." A warning Louis as he was now didn't need to hear but would remember all the same when he changed. "I can't change how I think or feel. I don't know if I'd be like this in other circumstances, much as you don't know who you'd be if nothing happened..." The circumstaces did their part and maybe Louis just drove himself insane. "I was just thinking, because you were almost asleep on my doorstep before."

Louis averted his gaze, thinking that maybe Blair didn't see the same things he did then. "No, nothing.", he quickly replied. He looked at his scars on his hand and arm again, looked at the black dancing flames. Lost to the flames was exactly right. "Pretty much." He doubted this could be reversed. "Have you never thought of simply not coming back?", Louis asked, but in hindsight he wouldn't try either, even if he could leave. He was scared of the consequences. "I don't want him to get hurt, nor do I want him to end up like us." He already lost him in a sense, right? If only he'd leave. "I... I still feel like I'm putting too much on you." And so fast and suddenly too. If Blair questioned how close Josiah and Lucy got all of a sudden, shouldn't he wonder about the sudden friendship between the two of them too? "You never lie down?", Louis asked. He couldn't imagine it, he still slept like a normal human and needed rest, but even if he didn't, he felt like sometimes he just wanted to lie down. Louis pulled his blanket over himself. It was getting cold outside and the rain made it worse. Blair sat down by his feet. "You're not in the way." Louis grew up sharing a bed with Josiah. If anything it felt odd to have his all to himself all the time, not that it was very big and he grew taller too. Louis shivered slightly, not because of the cold, it was the whole situation and a general bad feeling he carried around almost all the time. He closed his eyes and fell asleep almost immedietly.

"So close to the truth and close to the same, but at the same time somehow different? Am I getting this?", Blair threw in, his food for thought so to speak, more than eager to make at least some heads and tails of the situation. There was little he could do without the right information or being in the proper headspace for that realization, but at the very same time, there was nothing that he couldn't do if he put his mind to it. "You're fresh meat to them and an outsider too.", he forewarned, like Louis didn't know that himself. Was it wrong to treat him as such? An outsider? Probably, but they always were on their toes, besides, nobody could get closer to the ringmaster thanks to Louis and him being that mans lapdog, meaning that a few of them probably felt slighted out of an opportunity that never would have presented itself in the first palce - it never existed to begin with, and that was that. "We'll figure it out." Andrew had to bend to someones whims and Blair could figure out who's those were. "That's a start, I guess. Not that good, though." Not once had he bothered to read the back of that book either - he just grabbed one that looked interesting. "You're not wrong. Unfortunately it seems we have to play by the cards fate has dealt us, but I think we'll manage." One way or the other for sure. "Mhm, don't worry."

Their conversation fizzled out after that and Blair watched over Louis for a while, while he listened to the rythmic drumming of the Rain that came down from up above. There wasn't anything more soothing than this half the time - he envied Louis, sure, but not for those reasons. In fact, it wasn't because of any old obvious thing - he wanted that mans resilience for himself, his caring and his struggles to be seen by those that wouldn't and yet, he also knew that Louis surely would prefer Josiah dote on him like this, come to him when he was scared and beg for attention he couldn't give him. Those two, they were hopeless and Blair was a no-good replacement for him. Just as those thoughts reached their cusp, he went to actually read the book, to distract himself with word upon word from his thoughts and to dig through his mind, looking for something, anything, that would help them with their little ... issue, as one could call it. Whenever he thought the rain stopped, thunder rolled through and sometimes, it made things shake the slightest bit - like his body, the bones that ached and the joints that felt stiff. Finally, at some point during the night, Blair relented and laid down on a thin strip of the already small bed, his legs inevitably in the air as he wouldn't quite fit, and put an arm around Louis - he thought nothing of it, that's how messy it was in his head, only to genuinely doze off for an hour, maybe two, before a ringing in his ears - his head - cleared him out, or was that Louis shifting around?

Louis was tired and beat from the day. He always was, even if he wasn't himself during the shows, his body was his all the same and needed rest he seldomly got. First there was nothing, but soon all the things constantly happening around him found their way into his head again, merging and twisting into dreams. He dreamt about Roy and Josiah. He saw him walk into that trailer again, but didn't follow him that time. When he came out again it wasn't Roy, Louis watched himself sneaking back out and running off. He kept watching, couldn't avert his eyes. Josiah entered next and in the blink of an eye there was a loud noise, maybe just the thunder seeping into his dreams, but it made Jo's trailer go up in flames. Louis bolted inside, his mind and body remembering the feeling of fire consuming his skin and flesh too vividly. Despite the pain he tried to find Josiah inside, but the small trailer turned into a endless maze of flames and heat. He couldn't breath and something fell, holding him in place, trapping him inside the flames.

Louis woke up coughing, then grasping for air as if the smoke in his dreams seeped into reality, filling his lungs with ash. His hand leapt forward, halting at something sturdy, Blairs sturdy chest to be exact. Louis was sweating, his body was hot and hurt. The rain was still drumming against the roof and the distant sound of thunder echoed through the night. The little flame still illuminated the room and threw dancing shadows on the walls. Louis wasn't afraid of lighting a match, or sitting next to a fire, but he still made sure that there wasn't any unattended flames, no matter how small. "C-Can you... turn off the lamp...?", he asked since Blair was between him and said lamp. He was shaking slightly and only wondered briefly when he invited Blair to lie down next to him.

Blair hadn’t planned on actually seeing if he could sleep - he knew the answer, knew it from restless nights of sickness that wouldn’t heal on its own and left him in pain he couldn’t sleep off, knew it from times where he desired to grieve for others or himself, knew it from times where exhaustion for him to the bone like a desperate man. When he blacked out, he’d not dreamt of anything - it was silent, save for the motions of the unchanging weather that clung to him, the fabric of reality draped over his head like a deafening veil. What Blair hadn’t expected, however, was the motion of the man who’s bed he’d allowed himself to and the rude awakening from the stasis he rose from. “Uh?”, he mumbled, boring his eyes into Louis’ contorted face, obscured by the shadow his own lanky frame he was casting. It took a moment for the words that reached his ears to reach his brain. “Oh, that? Yes.”, Blair responded and stood up, alleviating the bed of its second inhabitant - had he scooted too close? Was he in Louis’ way? As those thoughts followed, he fiddled with the lamp, until darkness fell.

With the flame extinguished, he came back to the bed, not to lie in it but to behold the sweaty, terrified creature that called for rest - the trembling and shaking was almost pitiful to perceive. “You look terrified … bad dream? Want to talk about it?”, Blair asked, getting up again to grab a piece of fabric from the table, to wipe some sweat from Louis face and forehead, then offer it to him. It didn’t seem as if sleep was in the cards for either of them and perhaps that was a good thing - Blair wished he could trade with Louis, dream his dreams instead so he’d have a good nights rest for once, but he also knew that the idea itself was as ridiculous as it got. A worrying gaze later, he wondered what Louis could need and Blair, ever the people pleaser, figured he looked lonely and sad and terrified - like a little mouse, trapped in the corner of a room. In the end, all Blair could offer was an arm, or a shoulder, for him to lean on. “Think a hug would help? Or a change of clothes? You’re kind of wet. Like, really wet.” As if it’d rained inside, which it hadn’t in the slightest.