eat your young (earinor & marquis)

Louis felt as lost and alone as always. He wasn't sure who Blair meant when he said not all of them were against him, were cold hearted monsters. Blair was the furthest from that as he still retained some humanity, or so it seemed. Whether his worry for Louis was true or not, he couldn't tell. Meanwhile Louis felt it too, what he was transforming into, not only at night and during the shows, maybe even more so when he felt like himself. He was able to cry for Leila, he was able to worry for Josiah and Lucy, but he didn't share a tear on Luke or all the other children he brought to their death. The only reason he tried to save the childs life was because Josiah asked him to. During the shows he was changing too, but he was just a reflection of his strongest emotions, which boiled down to self preservation and a desire to keep Josiah save. Never would he hurt him physically, but it didn't keep him from telling him the truth about what he felt.

For the longest time Louis wondered if magic could help him, a protective charm or something like that. Maybe he'd be save in a church, or would burn, but he'd never get close to one anyway. What if he found a priest among their guests? "You probably know better than me if something like that is possible.", Louis answered. The ringmaster had no reason to use cheap tricks like that, of that he was sure. Blair often stuttered, especially when he was younger, but right now it seemed worse. "It's going to be alright.", he tried to calm Blair down, not sure if he did a good job with it. He wanted to help him, but Louis couldn't even help himself. "Because you were scared, or because you felt like you couldn't?", Louis asked. At this point instincts and feelings seemed more important than logic. Louis sighed, his head hurt from all the things he needed to worry about. "None of them listens to me... they could just go." That was the hardest part about it. Nothing bound them to this place and yet, none of them would ever run away. "I'm not going anywhere. I already tried." He was stuck here, he could barely leave the grounds. Josiah saw it and still he didn't get it, didn't ask any more questions and just... Louis wasn't sure if he should be angry or sad. "That's not...", Louis started as Blair so suddenly got up and was out the door before Louis could tell him, that he didn't need to be alone. Maybe he'd been too selfish, only talking about his problems when Blair had his own, like when he died and nobody noticed. The door closed and Louis sighed, putting his head into his hands. Nothing ever worked out...

Go where, exactly? Blair could leave this godforsaken circus if he really wanted to, he was sure of that - he wasn't physically tied to that place like Louis seemed to be, but wracking his brain over possibilities and hoping for the impossible wouldn't set them apart. Night would come and iron out the wrinkles and mistakes in their work and Blair would scrutinize his handicraft beneath the low lights that the audience saw them through, only to notice a single crooked stitch or a corner of the set that hadn't been properly swept. Calling himself a perfectionist had never been enough - he noticed when someone's make-up was splotched, or when Josiah's roots looked like they needed a desperate touch-up, yet he also took note of when someone was suffering from a seasonal illness and the way it made their palms sweaty and flushed their skin a pink shade, how rashes crept through their ranks whence they were passed on and who never recovered from the rattling in their lungs after an infection, or who still limped after the broken bone had supposedly healed. Whether he wanted to or not, he took note of the silliest things - it was almost mocking to know all these things, yet be unable to fix them in time; Blair shouldn't feel any particular way about it and yet, he did. Blamed himself for things outside of his control.

The feeling in his chest didn't subside that night, not before the show and the paranoia of being watched, well, it didn't exactly help. Nothing had happened, yet Roy hadn't shown his face in quite a while, despite Blair keeping tabs on that man like his life depended on it all of a sudden. Had he lost it? Or was he simply out of his mind, due to the feeling that he'd described to Louis? Now that he sat there, he wondered about much more than just that - he looked tired and gaunt in that mirror, the light make-up he was dotting on didn't help his case and the perpetual frown made Blair look ways more exasperated than he actually was. Every splotch, every mistake, seemed so obvious under that pale, dim light flickering and moving with the passing breezes of bustling people. Forcing himself to stop fixating on what was right in front of him, Blair tore himself away to help someone else with their costume and make-up, only to spot a rare sight out of the corner of his eye, like he'd not banked on it. Josiah was there, waltzed right in like a figure out of a forgotten page in a catalogue, colors all faded and posture all messy. Blair didn't like him, most of the time at least, but it seemed like Jo had a different idea anyway - he was looking for something, or rather someone and arrived by his side belatedly, staring up into Blairs eyes. Weren't they quite the contrast? "Where's Lou?", he ambling creature asked, like he had any place being here. "Not here yet.", he responded and, truth be told, he hadn't seen the man yet. "That's not like him." "Well, he was tired, which you would've known if you p-" "I know he was tired, he still never rests for stuff like this." The gall on this guy pissed even Blair off.

Louis ate a little, not because he was hungry, but because he needed to. He was still human after all, partly at least. The others ate too, though he wasn't sure if it served any purpose, or if it was just a habit of some sorts. What about Blair? Louis sighed. He felt like he failed him somehow and as if he didn't take his current predicament serious enough. He wasn't sure how much he could trust him, but if he was telling the truth, then Louis owed him. How selfish and self absorbed they all were for not noticing that he passed away not too far from them, all alone. It was like a curse on it's own, like how Josiah didn't quite understand what happened to Louis, how he seemed to ignore everything he saw. The changes in his behavior, at day and night, the way he gravitated towards the others and the fact that he could physically not leave this place. He showed him, how could it be he didn't ask any more about it? Didn't try and talk to Louis? Was the ringmaster doing this too?

Louis had more questions than answers as always. He gave up on answering any of them and got up. The show would start soon. When he crawled out of his trailer and locked it, he spotted someone else still stalking about here though. Louis was already quite late. The sky was cloudy and dark, the ground muddy. It would rain again soon, but the cold setting in wasn't what made him slightly shiver. He decided to check who it was and wasn't surprised when Roy made his way to Josiahs trailer. Louis stayed hidden behind another, watching him break the lock, go in and come out again after only one or two minutes. Then he hurried away. Louis had a bad feeling about it and decided to check out Josiahs trailer himself. What did he search for in there? The door was still unlocked and Louis stepped in, taking a brief look around first, but nothing looked too out of the ordinary, aside from maybe the amount of candles and inscence around as well as the sweet smell still lingering from when they were lit. Louis took a closer look, opened some of the cabinets, not that he could notice something missing, but he was more worried about something being added. "What are you doing here?!", he heard a voice behind him. Louis turned around startled, knocking his head on one of the cabinet doors he let open, as if his headache wasn't bad enough already. When he looked at the figure by the door he recognized her as Lucy. "Oh, I... searching for Jo.", Louis lied. "He's already at the tent, he wanted to perform today. Why are you not there?", she inquired, her arms crossed. Louis closed the cabinet he just hurt himself on and stood up a bit more straight. "I wanted to get him. Good that he's decided to come today then." Louis wasn't quite sure himself why he didn't tell her about Roy, but he also didn't think she'd believe him. He knew how angry she was at him. "Look Lucy, I'm sorry about Luke and Leil-" "Don't you dare put their names in your mouth! You're not sorry! And you're also not sorry about Mark, Sara, Caroline, Jimmy,... do you even remember their names? All the kids you sent back out on the streets!" "I-" "I don't want to hear it and now get out of here, you have no right to go through Josiash stuff!" Louis averted his gaze. There was really nothing he could say, so he simply nodded and squeezed past her out of Jo's trailer. Lucy slammed the door behind him. He took a moment. Should he have said something about Roy? If Josiah didn't believe him, how would she? As he looked up he saw that snake leaning against one of the other trailers, arms crossed and a big smile on his face. He laughed, then turned the corner and when Louis caught up to the spot, he was already gone. Louis grit his teeth. "The show...", he mumbled, he was already late and unsure if he needed to remind himself, or his other self about their priorities. He needed to get ready.

Blair had claimed he could do this on his own, or rather replace Louis if he ever needed him to and while that was true to a certain extend, he'd never even believed what this man did in a night. He'd done preparations all day long for him and now, he was striding through the backside of the tent from one incapable, insufferable idiot to the next, helping them put on or fix their costume, or with the make-up they had smudged, caked on wrong or didn't even know how to wear in the first place and Josiah, well, he was more of a thorn in his side when he opened his dumb mouth. "Why are you doing this? I can do Lou's work just fine.", he'd insisted with a sneer, like he actually had any idea on how to behave other than childish. Blair wanted to jeer and laugh at him, yet decided to be the bigger person, at least in that moment. "Fine, then stop staring at me like that and get to helping. Why not get yourself ready?", Blair argued and motioned his finger, pointing at the sorry state this guy was in. Needed a haircut, heaps of make-up and someone to fix his fried hair, which wouldn't happen right now, but they had to make do with what they had, which meant that he needed help. "Don't tell me what to do.", Jo mouthed back and Blair grumbled as he leaned over someone else to fix a broken button with needle and thread in hand.

"You want to help, so stop complaining and do what I tell you, or stop being in the way." There it was, the annoyed click of Josiah's tongue, followed by him rolling his eyes and the sharp exhale through his nose. Hopeless, that one, as he had been and always would be. Blair thought him to be a reflection of his own younger self, unfortunately for them both, neither of them were kids anymore. "Get ready, then." "Fine." Finally, Jo left him alone and somehow, some way, turned out to be helpful after all, at least once he looked presentable himself and Blair closed the buttons at the back of his costume, not the front, only to notice something off as he looked at the flushed skin in the nape of this mans neck, all burnt and raw. What had he been up to? Actually, that was none of his business and as he was done, Jo pulled away from him like Blair was actively hurting him. "I don't know why he puts stock in you." "Because I actually help him and don't just talk out of my ass." Jo grumbled at him and Blair felt as if he had learnt nothing at all. Ironically, though, they both looked up when the tent opened and in walked ... Roy? Who plopped himself down on one of the chairs in front of a mirror, belated and already a nuisance. "Where's Louis? Could've used 'some of 'is help." Neither Josiah nor Blair seemed willing to help him, though, Blair figured he couldn't let personal sentiments ruin a full show like that, especially after so long - it surprised him when Jo pulled on his sleeve for a second, gave him a look and then, Blair still pulled away and walked up to Roy. "Well, he isn't here, so I ca-" "B'fore I let you touch my face I'd ra'er do it myself." "Don't be like that-", Blair hissed, fed up with Josiah's antics at first and now this bastard was giving him a run for his money as well. Roy wasn't a fan of the aggression it seemed and he grabbed Blair by the collar of his costume. "I'd show me some respect if I were ya." That toothy grin pissed him off and Blair, maybe for the first time in his life, had had enough of this fucker. Without hesitation, he headbutted Roy as hard as he could, sending the man falling off the chair he'd sat on. "Shut your trap, you're insufferable.", Blair demanded, though, he felt strangely ... satisfied? Oddly at peace? Something wasn't right and the panic settled in mere moments after, color drained from his face. "I-I'm so s-sorry, Roy. I d-did-didn't mean t-to ..." Groaning, Roy grabbed him to get back up, still half a head shorter than Blair, who was trembling under his gaze regardless. "Well, ya did. And now look 'ere. Blair, ye'r overstepping y'er line." Jo yelled at them to stop, but Roy already had punched Blair in the face and Blair, who wasn't sure what he wanted, just decked him back until they were piling up together on the floor, pushing, pulling, kicking, punching, yelling. Out of options, Josiah ran from the tent and yelled for Louis - that was the best he got, wasn't it? Louis would come and fix what he couldn't, like he always did and always had.

Louis had to stop by his trailer once more to get some things, stage plans and sketches he had to bring over eventually anyway. It was odd, it was almost time for the show, but he didn't change. This was so much harder on his own, when his head still hurt and his eyes burnt. Louis rolled up the paper, then stepped out again happy that it didn't rain yet. On his way to the big tent however he heard his name called out in urgency. He furrowed his brows, continued with quicker step and eventually ran into Jo who stopped in front of him and told him something about Roy and Blair fighting. "What?", he asked confused, mostly because it wasn't like Blair at all. Louis shoved the papers into Jo's hands and hurried past him into the tent where he in fact spotted Roy and Blair on the floor, tussling with a few others spectating what was going on. Louis couldn't quite make sense of the situation, but he had no time for that either. "Get James.", he told Josiah, he wasn't the strongest man around for nothing, albeit the most gentle too. Louis on the other hand definitely wasn't.

Louis then approached the two. "Stop it!", he demanded of both of them, albeit not believing Roy would listen to anything he said. He grabbed Blair by the back of his costume, pulling the tall man that usually wouldn't even dare to talk back to Roy. What was going on? "Blair stop, let go.", he tried telling him, with Roy not helping at all, not relenting as usual. As he tried to get Blair away at least Louis spotted some blood, not that he had to worry about either of them, but he wanted to avoid a comotion and questions neither of them could answer at the very least. From the corner of his eye he saw some silver flicker and he wasn't sure how he reacted this quick himself, but his boot landed on Roys wrist making him drop the small blade he had held and in attempts to keep this whole circus together and not anger the ringmaster any further Louis grabbed it with a smooth motion letting it vanish in his sleeve. Most of the people here still fell for his magic tricks, they were useful after all, but that didn't mean the situation was contained. Louis got between the two and tried to shove at least Blair off of Roy.

Josiah felt no better than a dog tied to a lamp post about this, wanton barking for its owner that had long since left. Was he stupid enough to think that Louis would just magically appear in the way he liked him to be, deal with all problems in his wake and then leave again, just for them to rinse and repeat this trend? Jo could confidently say it was something like this that had him make that decision, not because he didn’t want to deal with it, but because he knew he’d just get in the way and make things worse by getting himself decommissioned by a single punch to the jaw, most likely. As Louis appeared, like a knight in shining armor, he wasted no time - he clung to those papers like he’d been entrusted with a task most important, yet ran to get James as soon as it was asked of him. “Thank you!”, he yelled as he sprinted into the dusky distance, keeping his eyes peeled for any sign of James. Lou was right, he’d know what to do and he’d be a better help than Jo could ever be in these matters. Painful, wasn’t it? Blair had been right - Louis was surely pitying him, after all, he was at Jo’s beck and call every time something went south or even akin to.

Profanities were yelled and insults were hurled, all the while they kept punching and pulling and kicking at one another. Blair headbutted Roy, Roy spat blood at him, then kicked him in the shin - instead of doing anything, everyone just gawked and Jo ran to get, who exactly? He didn’t have time to think about it for too long as Roy pulled his hair and Blair elbowed him in the ribs, feeling his blood in his veins and a bloodlust at the back of his mind - crushing this maggot into a pulp seemed enticing all of a sudden. Before that plan ever came to fruition, Louis pulled on him and the feeling of fear and disappointment crept back into Blair, something that Roy utilized to grapple with him and land a punch in his own face. “Fuck off, will ya?”, Roy grunted as Louis tried to pull them apart alone - Blair’s limbs felt heavy as lead and stayed stiff by his sides for a little too long. He kicked at Roy again before long. “Show some respect, you donkey!” A flurry of insults and attempts happened, before Louis yanked Roy’s knife from him and Blair scrambled to his feet, as much as Roy - who looked even more pissed - let him. “Give it back.”, he demanded of Louis, eager to lunge past Blair to grab the man himself. Blair grabbed a fistful of Roys hair and pulled on it. “Stop fucking around.”, he tried to tell him, only to be met with a sneer and have Roy lunge at him again - or rather try. James had shown up in time, grabbed the rabid dog with both arms and pulled him back. “Will you give it a rest? You both look like a mess.”, James reprimanded Roy first, then looked at Blair - disappointed in them both. As expected, Josiah looked mighty proud of himself for that one and Blair sneered - both Roy and Jo pissed him off, they both deserved a fist to the fa- no, he needed to calm down. He sighed and let himself be held by Louis for a few seconds longer, then put his weight back on his feet and felt his face - it was hot, flushed, beaten and the blood that had come out of his nose was already dry and crusting. Disgusting. “He started it!”, Roy yelled, still thrashing around. “Lemme go, I’m gonna cave that fucker’s face in!” “Can you shut up?”, Blair grumbled, rubbing his temples. “You show up late, then have an attitude and after you get your ass handed to you, you’re still bitching and yelling. By god, give it a rest, Roy.” “Don’t ya dare think y’er s’thing better than me ‘cause ya hang out with those prissy pants now!”

Louis found himself in the middle of the two of them. He didn't exptect Roy to stop, but Blair didn't relent either. Startled at first he kept thrashing and yelling at Roy and everytime Louis thought he got him off, they started it again. Louis wasn't weak, neither of them really was with all the work all of them were doing every single day, but he wasn't strong enough to keep two people apart who both wanted to get at each others throat. Louis was almost surprised Roy didn't change his target, but he'd always been hot headed and single minded. Louis tried to stay inbetween them, tell them - mostly Blair - to stop but he broke past him again. Josiah showed up with James soon enough, thankfully, and the tall man grabbed Roy. Louis seeing his chance focused on Blair instead, blocking the path to Roy with his whole body and walked a few steps away with him. Blair wasn't desperate enough to fight himself past Louis, so this was seemingly enough.

Louis put one hand on Blairs chest and looked up to him with a stern expression. "Calm down, okay? It's enough.", he tried to calm him down, but even though they managed to seperate the two, the yelling didn't stop. At first Louis didn't bother turning towards Roy or say anything to him, he just tried to catch Blairs gaze instead to make him stop all this. "Stop! Both of you!", he eventually let out in the most authoritive thundering voice he could muster, not that that wouldn't piss Roy off even more. Louis sighed, looked at both of them and then the rest of the onlookers. "I know we're all on edge with all the things that happened the past few weeks, bu-" "Why don't you say it?" Lucy had entered the tent as well now, interrupting Louis and positioning herself close to Josiah. "Why do you not say her name? Of course we're on edge, none of us got to properly say goodbye to Leila thanks to you!" "Lucy, I... look I'm sorry, but-" "But we've got a show to run, we've got guests coming, we always have! That's the only thing you ever care about! Don't you think we all deserve some rest?! Maybe then we wouldn't all be at each others throats!" Lucy grabbed the first thing she found, a simple ball of yarn, nothing more and threw it at Louis who deflected it with his arm. Whereas he'd thought that he'd be able to defuse the situation before, now more people started arguing and taking sides.

On edge was putting it mildly, yet Josiah was surprised when Lucy showed up in here and told her version of the story, too. He sympathized and agreed with her, he still truly did, but it didn’t help that they were all adding oil to the fire. As the ball of yarn was thrown, Jo couldn’t object - it was harmless compared to what Blair and Roy had been doing and, for better or for worse, now that they’d calmed down something else seemed to he brewing. “Fuck, why’s this about that girl now? I couldn’t give more of a damn, she’s dead anyway!”, Roy yelled, obviously trying to get a rise out of someone - judging by the way he looked over at Blair with that shiteating grin of his, and by how Blair stared daggers at him, Jo could put one and one together and see that it made two. “How about we all calm down?”, he suggested with a nervous smile, looking between Lucy and Lou for approval. Then, Blair scoffed and wiped the blood from his nose on the first piece of cloth he could find - his make-up smudged, he figured it would be best not to push his luck after all.

“I’ll stop, but one last thing. We could be calm if Lucy didn’t barge in here after all is said and done, just to accuse Louis of some bullshit, like he isn’t grieving too.” Blair sounded so unlike himself, like he’d drank deep from Roy’s confidence and internalized it immediately. Something was off about him and he knew it himself. Roy snorted at the way Blair framed it and Jo inched closer to Lucy, whereas Blair was the one that shook his head, then clapped his hands with a wry smile. “Now, let’s move it along. We have a show to hold and money to make and last I checked, you wanted to be useful tonight.”, Blair gave Jo a knowing gaze and Jo, seemingly flustered - rather out of character for him - grabbed Lucy’s hand and whispered: “Let’s … save this for later, please? I don’t want them to yell again.” before trying to drag her back out of the tent. Roy pulled away from James and tore himself away from the crowd. “I’m taking a nap, I don’t give a shit ‘bout ‘tis. Y’er’ll make a greaaaat replacement, Blair.”, Roy took off and Blair, who’s rather not proud about defusing the situation like that, sighed and let his head and shoulders hang, like he was the sad clown now. Wasn’t that Louis’ job? One deep breath later, he looked at Louis and grabbed him instead, nay, dragged him to one of the mirrors. “Sorry, I’ll fix my …” He motioned over his entire face. “And I’ll do Roy’s job for the night, I did headbutt him first. I’m really sorry, I don’t know what’s gotten into me.” Blair sounded apologetic and much more choked up now, but still nowhere near as shy as he had been midday.

Louis wasn't sure why all of this happened, was it his fault? Leila, Roy, Blair who tried to defend Louis when he never asked for it? Other than Roy, Blair or Lucy, Louis really wasn't out for a fight. If the show didn't happen, or was delayed someone else would pay for it, he was sure and he didn't want that to happen. Aside from that, he really wasn't angry at Lucy, nor was he angry at Blair. Roy was an idiot as always and fighting him made no sense, all he wanted was for the situation to calm down before it got worse. Josiahs words weighed more than Louis and he was thankful for him speaking up and at least getting Lucy to stop arguing. He softly nodded at Jo, but thought he'd only make it worse if he said something again as well. Blair didn't seem quite done, arguing on Louis behalf once more. "Blair it's fine, really...", he uttered, grabbing his arm before he went after Lucy next.

Soon he freed himself of Louis lose grip, adressing everyone as if he was in charge. Louis didn't mind, he didn't want to be in charge, but when had Blair ever adressed a group of people like this? It was so unlike him to speak up, especially with so many people around and being so compative too, even though he mostly directed his ire at Jo now as it seemed. Had Louis spoken of Jo too badly? Was that the reason? Josiah and Lucy left first, James let Roy go and he vanished next, of course not without some parting words. Blair dragged Louis away before everyone else slowly left the scene. Louis who hadn't even gotten himself ready grabbed some fabric and started to get some dirt out of Blairs costume. Some blood had dripped to his collar and chest. "What happened? This isn't like you at all...", Louis asked with hushed voice. He knew how it felt to act like he was a different person, but Blair hadn't exhibited anything like that before. "You don't have to fight my battles for me either..." Speaking of, why was he still feeling like himself? Was something the matter with the guests? Roads closed? Weather too bad? Or was it something else? "I'm sorry. I put too much on your shoulders."

Was it fine, though? Louis always swallowed things for others, absorbed the impact of an issue like it was nothing and afterward, he wouldn’t even accept the gratitude, as if it’d been a bouquet of flowers he was scarcely interested in. “I know, I know. But Lucy keeps tossing stuff at your head recently and I don’t think that’s okay.”, he informed Louis, as if he hadn’t taken note of the cold shoulder he was being given himself. Leila’s life was precious and yet, it had been lost, just like Blair’s had been once upon a time - he was left wondering if someone would’ve mourned him like that, if only he’d lived long enough to leave an impact, but instead he dusted white powder onto his walking, talking corpse and hoped that the shapes and colors he drew on his face would make someone, anyone, smile or laugh. That’s what he’d always wanted, he thought, to make someone feel seen, or maybe appreciated was the right word. Louis was as thoughtful as ever when he started to try and get rid of the blotches of blood that dotted his costume - Blair felt bad and sighed.

“You don’t have to do all that - want me to do your makeup? Come here.”, Blair gingerly demanded, sounding almost too sure of himself yet again - had he really stolen from Roy and not from Louis? Those words had felt so foreign in his mouth and the confidence, it felt wrong in his soul, in his bones and in his life. “Roy came in, looking for you to do his makeup and then he kept looking at me and Josiah. Figured I’d take the fall, he got pissed and it pissed me off so bad, I headbutted him in the face, immediately apologized, but that then pissed him off so bad we started tussling. I don’t know why, or what that was, but before you came by I thought to myself, it wouldn’t be so bad if I just … kept beating him until he’s nothing but a bloody pulp. I’ve … never felt that way before.”, Blair’s voice grew thinner with every word he spoke and his eyes narrowed, horrified by his own penchant for violence. Did it mean anything, though? To anyone? “It felt like the right thing to do, ‘n besides, Josiah was pissing me off before Roy showed up, acting all like how he can handle things now that he’s here, so I told him to give me a hand or leave it be. He did well, but still …” Blair had mostly fixed his makeup by the time he was done talking about it. Then, he snorted in amusement. “What? No, it’s fine, it wasn’t you. It was them. I just feel weird, this is weird, right? I’m not like this normally. I don’t know why. Doesn’t feel very me, does it? But you’re also … aren’t you supposed to be different, right now I mean?” Was the moon hanging low or some shit?

"She's just... hurt. She's with the kids the most and when I took Luke the same day Leila... I get why she's upset with me and it's not like the others know as much as we do. Not like I can tell them either...", Louis defended Lucy and the resentment she felt for him. He understood, really, he understood when Josiah got mad at him too, it was just that he couldn't explain or defend himself. Maybe he shouldn't anyway. Besides, whether he cried for Leila in front of her or not, he doubted it made a difference and someone had to keep this show running. If she only got angry enough at him, maybe she'd take Josiah and leave, that wouldn't be a bad thing? It had been partly his plan all along, aliante Josiah enough for him to just pack his things and leave Louis behind. He couldn't follow him, this was his only chance. If Josiah knew about everything that went on, he'd never go, not without Louis. That was the whole reason he kept his distance, even though he was very bad at it.

"It's fine. We should try and get it out before it dries. I'll do my makeup later." He was fast with it anyway, or he just grabbed a mask today. "I... know how you feel.", he then sighed slowly. He'd been angry enough to kill Roy, if he was human still he'd be dead now and Louis would have had to hide a corpse. "You're acting the opposite from before. Do you still feel what you told me about?", he wanted to know. "Otherwise... I don't know, maybe you're changing too still." Blair wasn't dead for as long as the others either, who was to say this wasn't some twisted way of normal? At the very least he seemed to care about Louis, he wasn't as cold as the others. "Again, I'm sorry. I don't want you and Jo to fight. When I talked badly about him, then only out of frustrations for things out of both our control. He's always been my best friend, but I neglected to mention the good times I suppose." He had many questions when it came to Josiah, some outright frustrating, but Jo would never deliberately hurt him. Louis looked up from his work on Blairs costume as if he'd been caught. "... Yeah, I don't know what's going on, but I'm glad I was me for this. I don't know what I would have done otherwise." Either he would have done nothing and just watched, or he would have gone overboard. "I swear I'm taking this seriously, what you confided in me before too, but the show's about to start. Come to my trailer after? We can talk about it some more."

"I know, we're both kind of ... not in the best spot when it comes to that, and while I understand, I genuinely really do, there is nothing that warrants her messing with you like that when you already have other stuff on your plate.", Blair disagreed on the spot. It wasn't unlike Lucy to be a pain in other peoples ass from what he'd heard, but that still did not give her any excuse whatsoever to make things worse on others, just for her own comfort. Somehow, Blair felt as if she couldn't see the forest for the fire and overfocused on things that, at no certain point, were really that important. "You do what you're being told, with no regards of if you want to or not. I know that they can't and don't know that, but it still makes me feel like barely any of them even try to understand that." Something that pissed him off to a degree that he couldn't put into feelings, or words. Blair was nothing if not gentle with most of them all the time, minding his own business and ignoring theirs for mostly their sake - it didn't matter if they cared at times, what mattered was that they treated each other well and didn't behave like a bunch of stupid kids.

"Thanks Louis, I appreciate it. I truly do.", Blair mumbled and knew that, without Louis, he'd be stuck in the same trot as always, without any opportunity to become better, or worse, just as he was now. What a gamble he had made by putting all his stock into a single man that would keep him safe, only to realize that, why, he was also not the in the need of safekeeping. "You do?" He looked up, the paleness of his artifical face not at all shimmering and shining as he wanted it. "The ... paranoia and the other things? You mean the odd feeling in my chest that I had during midday when I came to complain? No, it's gone, mostly - right now, I don't feel it at all and earlier, when I was tussling with Roy, it was entirely gone." That seemed like an odd confession to make, though, it was also simply the truth. Lying to Louis, on the other hand, that seemed painful enough and perhaps even stupid. "Still changing? But shouldn't I have grown out of that?" At some point, perhaps he should've, but now it was too late to say if he was still in that phase, or otherwise fine. Even just thinking about it gave Blair the creeps, though, as if he wasn't already fucked enough when it came down to it. "No, no. You're alright. I'm not fighting with him for the sake of fighting with him, I just want him to put his money where his mouth is. Do more, complain less and then be proud of himself. Didn't you say he keeps complaining about being treated like a child?" In a way, that's what he was, but Blair wanted him to feel less like that and more like he actually belonged. "I'm sure you would've done something, I'm just glad it was like this." It would've been pretty bad otherwise, he would've guessed. As he considered it for a moment, he brushed some dust and wrinkles out of his clothing. "Louis, it's alright, don't you beat yourself up over it, okay? And if you'll have me, I'll take you up on that ... and now, let me do your makeup, sound good?" Blair didn't wait, he already grabbed Louis by the shoulders and switched places with him, then began dusting on his new face as best and fast as he could.

"I appreciate it, I really do. I just don't think fighting like this will solve anything.", he mumbled. Sitting idly by probably didn't either, taking it and not responding to it much. Louis somehow felt like he had no right to argue back and Lucy would likely not listen anyway. "I know... it's odd, but how we both can't speak freely about certain things, who's to say that their minds aren't messed with either?" Another reason not to blame Josiah and Lucy, no matter how much it hurt that nobody seemed to listen to him, even if evidence was right in front of their eyes. Much as children stumbled into here, seemingly without a family, without friends. How's that possible more than once or twice? Like Arthur, appearing out of nowhere, able to read and healthy enough and yet he claimed he had no family? What if he just forgot...? What if Louis and Jo and Blair forgot their parents as well and weren't abandoned after all? There was too much that he was unsure about.

"Don't worry about it. It's my job after all." Another thing he himself just accepted. He didn't know how he stumbled into this role. Yes, he wanted everything to go smoothly so the ringmaster didn't have a reason to complain or a reason to punish anyone, but on the other hand, this circus was fine before Louis was around, right? Even before, when he tried to calm everyone down he put the show first, as if there was nothing more important. He even hid the fact that Roy was about to use a knife from everyone else, as if he had a reason to protect him. Were those really his own choices? "Yeah. When I hurt Roy, I wanted to kill him. Didn't know it wasn't possible...", Louis whispered almost inaudible even to Blair. "Well, tell me if that changes again." Blair didn't seem happy with either state of mind he'd been in today. Louis could only wonder if the two were related. "I don't know.", Louis answered about the changes. He wasn't sure what was going on with either of them. He just knew that he himself was somehow different than Blair or Roy, but that didn't mean they couldn't have anything in common. "Yeah I gave him mosre responsibility too. Let's see how he does." Jo was good with the children and Louis was ready to relingish some control. Was he not caring enough anymore? "You'll heal in no time, right?", he asked a bit worried. Roy recovered fine, but still wore a scarf, while Louis healed about as fast as he considered normal for a human. Louis was flipped to sit down and before he could say anything he felt the cold grease in his face that would cover his scars. "I just don't want you to think I only care about myself."

“Probably won’t, no. They all seem so damn stubborn once they put their mind to it.”, Blair admitted defeat and knew that Louis both knew them better and also likely had an idea of what they needed most. It wasn’t so outlandish to think of it was something that Blair simply wasn’t privy to, for more than one reason. Why blame them? They were a family, he was some cousin thrice removed that crashed their party, rained on their parade and then caused trouble, before making demands to honor the one guy that truly seemed to care for most if not all of them. “You mean someone is messing with their heads, memories and cognition? Did you notice anything off about both of those two, like, the same thing I mean, at the same time.” Hopefully, Lou understood that he meant Josiah and Lucy, though, that shouldn’t be hard to figure out at all - they were hanging around each other just a little bit too much recently, which in itself wasn’t bad, but it came with a certain realization, even for Blair. “Were they that close before?” He was moving his fingers and applying that grease paint on Louis’ face like his life depended on it, then dusted over it with powder to make it a little more dull and not as reflective, and then, well, Blair did have some time to get the details in after all.

“But I do, I worry about you and just how long you can keep taking it.” All of this, every little thing that came with his job that he never wanted to share with anyone. Blair didn’t want to be like Josiah and complain that Louis did too much or worked too hard, but he did, he always would because that was demanded of him, but he was still painfully human. The way his wounds healed and how sickness still messed with him was enough proof. “Wait, you wanted to kill him? What if you actually killed him? I didn’t know you couldn’t just- I mean-“, he sounded unsure and stammered a little, like the confidence was slowly draining from him, bit by bit. So they couldn’t be killed? He’d suspected as much, sure, he’d believed it, but he’d never seen anyone live that tale - Roy had been pissed, yet, if Louis had beaten him in an inch of his life instead of completely dead, there’d be little difference. “Will do.” Could they just go and beat Roy until he was dead together then? That didn’t seem romantic at all. Blair finished up Louis look for the night as he listened, careful to keep the symmetry alive, mostly for his own satisfaction. “He’s eager, so that’s a good thing … as for you, don’t sweat it. Maybe you - he - just needs rest too?” Too tired to take care of Louis, maybe? Or perhaps something else, then. Whatever, Blair would figure it out eventually, he was sure of that. “Yes, I’ll be as right as rain in an hour or two, maybe a bit longer, but nothing like that. It wasn’t that bad in the first place.”, Blair remarked, smiling triumphantly with a rather toothy grin - speaking of, one of them did feel loose, which meant … Without a care in the world, he reached into his mouth and wiggled the thing for a bit - it was a molar - before pulling it clean out. “I don’t think that, I thought I was being selfish and didn’t want to get on your nerves. Besides, I’m not exactly comforting to be around and those trailers are crammed - I would’ve taken up most of your bed alone if I laid down with you.” Blair held up the tooth as the coppery taste of blood filled his mouth, making him gag as he swallowed. That tooth was something he held up to the light - it looked clean, ironically enough. “Well, that’s gonna grow back, I suppose.”

"Yeah..." Stubborn was the right word. Stubborn to stay his friend, to stay here, to get their will, to hate him, whatever came to them in the moment, nothing seemed to work out for Louis in turn. Louis slowly nodded. "Something like that, yes. It seems like parts of Josiahs memory is just missing I mean... I'll tell you later." This was not the right place and there were too many people around. "I thought they just bonded over Leila and caring for Conny and the kids. I don't know..." Was it odd? Josiah and Lucy were both old enough to have a certain other interest in each other, right? Those things happened and Louis knew they spent a lot of time together since then, even in the kids trailer or in Josiahs. It was evident today that she made herself at home in there, because Josiah never had been into open flames around all his chemicals ans also not since the fire happened. He maybe wasn't physically hurt by it, but it was traumatic for him too.

"I... I know. I've been hearing this a lot lately." What changed? Suddenly Josiah got more worried about him, then Blair. Maybe he looked more beat and tired than before. At least the wound on his head was still very fresh. "Not for a lack of trying... I... again, I can tell you more about this later..." Now was definitely not the time. "Rest?", Louis asked raising an eyebrow. "I don't know if that's it... we'll see if I change still..." Blair at least would be fine in no time, unlike Louis. Roy would also heal quickly from this. "You're not getting on my nerves.", he then stated firmly. Louis was glad he had someone to talk to, though he didn't say anything about his bed. He didn't mention it though. When Blair help up his tooth, Louis grabbed his hand and pulled it back down. "Don't show it around then. You're not a child, they're not supposed to grow back." Who was he keeping these secrets for? Louis got up since Blair was done anyway. "I need to get dressed. We see each other later and... try stay around people and away from Roy."

Blair was hardly ever of the opinion that he had anything worth contributing to most situations - often times, he was questioning himself whether or not it was smart to make up his mind on certain topics or if he was simply lost enough to believe that he, too, was making right decisions from time to time. The fact Louis even listened to him was what was scary to him in the first place. "Talking about it later seems to be the best option we have." Bringing it up here, where someone like Roy, Ruth or the others could listen in and then get on their nerves because of it seemed unwise, to say the least. Who even knew - maybe the walls already had ears and eyes and the fact that the ringmaster hadn't involved himself with all the squabbling just yet was because he was waiting for an opportune time to guide his flock of sheep toward a better answer, one that he liked and preferred. "Could be just that or it's something else. I can't say.", Blair admitted. He could go and find out if he was sneaky about it, but what more was there to know about the guy that liked Louis and the girl that liked the guy that liked another guy a tad too much? They'd go in circled for sure.

"I'm not trying to be hard on you." Not that he gave of the impression, surely not when he was acting and looking like a wet dog himself. It seemed more so that the likes of a certain other man - his name was Josiah - was also drilling the same tidbit into Louis' messy skull. "Sorry, sorry. We should get the show over with first, you're right. Everything else after that." Which was to say that he, too, had to make up his mind about whether he wanted to hear all that Louis had to share or rather close both his ears and mind to these topics from a half-wit like him; surely, Roy was going to argue that Louis was not like them, so they couldn't exist together. "A good nights rest tonight and the rest after. Taking it slow sometimes works, we just need to figure out what works for you, no?" All the while he marvelled at the tooth he'd pulled from his own mouth like it was a magic trick, only to be reminded of the transient nature of his existence. Would one of them lose their arm, they couldn't just leave it lying around either and with a tooth, while nobody would take a headcount of stuff like that, Blair understood that keeping it where people could see it was dangerous, too. "I'm glad, I thought I was. Would you prefer I stay next time, then?", he outright asked this time, smiling in a more coy manner. "I know, I know. I'll keep it hidden." He shoved it in his pocket, then winked at Louis. "If you need anything, just let me know. I'll go see if Josiah is back and how the rest are looking, so we can start once you're all done."

The show had to start soon, Louis didn't have a chance checking the stands and see how many people arrived, if any at all. If they lost the crowd, if they didn't earn enough money to feed everyone, there surely would be hell to pay and Louis didn't want to find out. Louis cut the conversation short for that reason. They'd have more time later. "I didn't mean to kick you out before. We can talk a bit longer next time.", he reiterated then took a moment to get his bearings. It had been so long since he did a show like he was now. How strange. He let out a sigh, unsure if he could keep up the energy on his own. Blair meanwhile was eager to keep helping, much like Josiah had been before, as if they switched places somehow. Louis shook his head, it was nothing. "Thanks Blair.", he nodded, then left to get dressed.

The show went on as usual, everyone but Roy did their part and Blair stood in for him as he had promised. Josiah performed again too, which was good, they didn't thin out too much. Arthur joined him as well for a bit. As always Louis couldn't take his eyes or mind off the show for long, while the stage was prepared or cleaned up, while people got changed, Louis entertained the crowd and when he wasn't out there he ran around backstage checking that everyone was ready for their part. It was a long day like always, but it felt longer today that he felt the toll on his body the whole time, not only afterwards. It was strange, he should be happy about it, but he wasn't. More questions certainly didn't help. Louis stayed near the gate until the last visitor left, then closed the gates. He wanted to clean up, change and maybe grab a bite to eat before he went to his trailer to meet Blair.

Before he knew it, the show was over - Blair couldn't say he hated or enjoyed it more than any other time, but at least he could claim to not feel as miserable as he thought he would. Roy's entire act was a sham, sure, but that didn't mean that he was skilled at it and not hurting himself with the knives he and blades he had on hand, though, his body could take it and the applause made it worth it in the end. It felt odd to think about it like that, to consider that he could've hust not done it too now that it was done and over, but it also went to show that he had much more than talent than he let on. Perhaps he could make this a more common occurence, actually learn better things and then make sure that the floors were swept after, to keep Louis' place cleaner and neater than it currently was. While Louis chaperoned their customers out, making sure that not a single soul was left behind, Blair already started picking up after them and then sweeping the floor, not to leave an impression of urgency but because he had nothing better to do.

Someone had to fix the costumes, make sure that the kids were accounted for, then take inventory and look at their income for the night, among other things - who even had the energy for all of that? Even now, he didn't envy Louis' and he finished the cleaning part of the job a lot faster than he expected, likely due to the lack of costumer volume, or perhaps because he was always sweeping, always mending, always doing something. Josiah and Lucy were nice enough to take the kids and their care off their plates after all and Blair, who hadn't even asked, wiped his face clean of paint and powder as he got re-dressed in the usual clothes, rather than stay in the clown getup indefinitely. Who even like that, if they were honest? Blair couldn't think of a single person that genuinely enjoyed that dumb getup half the time and, frankly, Blair didn't think it to be comforting either. As he finished up, he glanced back into the mirror as he passed it and noticed that he most definitely had a black eye. A scoff, then a laugh and the energy he had had was leaving his body all the same. He was tired. Painfully, painfully tired. All of his body felt filled with lead, or maybe it wasn't just that maybe it was concrete that had seeped into his bones. In the end, he decided to wait by the steps of Louis' trailer for him, pulling his legs close to his body and resting his head on top of his knees, burying his face away from the world - he was so tired tonight, for no reason at all.

Louis closed the gate, then checked the stalls that sold food and drinks to get some numbers and collect the money, next he got the money from the general ticket sales. After some accounting he wrote everything neatly on a piece of paper and attached the money. Today didn't go as well, but that could hardly be contributed to the infighting going on. Maybe something was just off about today in general. He didn't dare fake the numbers and instead brought everything over to the ringmaster, who gladly didn't have anything to say to Louis. He then hurried to clean up and even though he didn't have an appetite he showed up to get a bowl of stew from James who'd been cooking for everyone meanwhile. Louis took it with him and found back to his own trailer. By now it started to rain the slightest bit, just enough to dust his hair with tiny droplets. The weather just didn't get better and it didn't contribute to their sales, especially not with the muddy roads leading to the circus.

By his trailer he found Blair, huddled up by his stairs as if he'd fallen asleep. Didn't he say he didn't need to sleep? Louis approached him and reached out his hand to get his attention. He softly touched his shoulder. "Blair, are you okay?", he asked. Today he didn't seem to be the only one who was incredibly tired and Blair, with his thin limbs and pale complexion worried Louis for a moment, as if he died right there on his steps, but no, he moved shortly after. "Let's go inside, it's getting wet out here." With that he waited for Blair to make some room for Louis to unlock the trailer and walk in, leaving his shoes on the steps to not drag all the mud inside. He put his plate on the table, then grabbed a match to light a lamp that was placed on the table as well. "Did you want something to eat as well? Sorry, I didn think you'd..."

Louis could pass him by at this point and Blair wouldn’t even notice, though, he figured he’d not just move past him like that, leaving him in the dust and all. As Blair considered the possibilities in his head and wished for sleep to come claim him, something he’d not experienced in so long, the winds picked up and rustled through the leaves of the trees nearby - a predator of wind, chasing an invisible prey of equal measure, dancing and prancing in an endless dance, followed by the dreamy drizzle of rain, like a firework exploded at the edge of the horizon, it’s endless light falling further and further. This one, while not loud or bright or even colorful made Blair feel comforted, as if there were a gentle breeze swaying him like tall grass. The air smelled nicer than usual and even here, with his face buried against his hunched over body, he hunkered down on the steps of a strangers trailer, unsure if he was ready to disappear into the endless night or just saddled with another mood. Were all the wretched demons of this circus going through something?

Roy seemed to be his usual, unlikeable self and yet, Blair felt as if his body hurt for the first time in too long - like he’d slept too long, in a crammed bed, partially sick. Everything ached, his limbs were unusually heavy and his joints ached without ever moving. Just as he thought he’d slipped away into a dreamless expanse, the sound of boots muddled through the dirt and approached him. Was Roy back for another round? Louis had told him to watch his back and yet … Blair dug his fingers into the fabric of his slacks. A gentle motion followed, making him look up and peel away by the time he heard the voice. “Just tired.”, he spoke mid-yawn, scooting aside a little before pulling himself up. “Wet it is. I thought I was having a dream, but turns out I was wide awake.” His mind had simply moved without his body and the rain had seeped through the fabric of his shirt. With a step to the side, he took his shoes off as well and let himself inside after Louis, watching the smaller man as he seated himself with a bowl of dinner. Thoughtful as always, even now - Blair grabbed another seat. “No, no. I’m fine without food, don’t worry. You eat yours, I don’t think I could lift a spoon anyway.” Matter of fact, his left eye felt warm and like it was pulsating - or rather the area around it did. “Sorry, do you have a washcloth somewhere?” The black eye would be gone before it became fully evident, sure, but that didn’t mean it couldn’t bother him beforehand.