eat your young (earinor & marquis)

"Hmph, and let you carry all the stuff or what? No way!", Lucy refused. She was just as strong as the guys and Josiah was hurt and would be for days to come, so he wasn't the one who whould carry stuff around. "I won't get hurt, I'm carrying children around all day and help with the tent as well, it's not always you men doing everything, even though you'd like to think so. WIthout us you'd all be pretty lost.", she proclaimed. Sure, James strength was unrivaled but Josiah had weak little spaghetti arms as well, there was no way Lucy couldn't keep up with him. "They are hard on the outside and soft at the inside I think." Lucy didn't have much knowledge about macarons either, she could only recite what she had heard. "Hm, but the lions and tigers can also eat us, you know?", she chuckled. The pool was maybe a problem, but the human diet? Not so much. Most of their animals were big and very capable of killing them if they wanted to. "Yeah I agree. Family should stick together."Even if some seemingly felt differently. There were plenty more people that cared about them and they cared about as well, one rotten egg didn't matter. She didn't understand Josiahs dislike for the dolls though. She giggled. "You're odd. People spend a lot of money on them, you know?" Good for Josiah Lucy had passed on her doll a long time ago. "We should. This is nice, away from all the noise every once in a while." Lucy smiled at Josiah who seemed a bit tired after their meal. "I already washed up, I don't think I want to go outside, it's more rainy now too.", she mumbled looking out the window, but she didn't have to, the rain hammered against the trailer. "Uh... given that you still let me stay. It's fine if you want me to go back to my own trailer."

“See? Then we should just carry all the stuff together, or bring someone to help carry the stuff, but that defeats the purpose of going with you.”, he sighed in defeat, sounding more deflated in his own theatrical ways - Josiah had always been like this, needlessly dramatic and a bit stubborn, even if he folded like a wet napkin right now. “And I can’t even say you’re wrong. I think I’d go insane if all of the circus was just full of guys like me, more James, or Louis, or goddamn Roy. Can you imagine that? We’d forget half of our stuff, and we’d probably also just toss the kids around like bags of rice.” That, too, seemed to he blown out of proportion, even if it wasn’t wrong - men, in general, even when they were sensible, tended to be rougher, and while the girls had plenty of catfights, Josiah knew that the guys preferred to duke it out with fists and times. That wasn’t a world he wanted to live in, or a family he needed to be part of. Truly, he was grateful for all the women that had to endure them. “Hmm, sounds worth a try. I doubt we can make them ourselves, right?” Not that they had the necessary oven for something like that, but who knew, cheating could be an option. As Josiah mused about that, the conversation continued on regardless and he came to terms with the fact that he could finally relax a bit, especially in Lucy’s presence. “So could the snake, if you let her, but she’s more likely to wring all the life out of you first. Anyway, I think it’s more of a cost point, and crocodiles aren’t cute like tigers or lions.” Those doubled as oversized, murderous plushies to some of them and their handlers especially were enamored by them. Josiah found them to be tolerable, but loud, and a bit too dangerous for his liking overall. “Not me, I’d rather spend my money elsewhere than on the ringmaster’s unnerving ensemble of dolls, but to each their own - I don’t think everyone would want to handle a snake either.”, he responded in earnest. Was she fine out there, with all the rain? Probably, for tonight, and if not, her cage bars hardly kept her inside of her cage anyway - she’d find a place, and if she had a snack, well, that wasn’t his fault - he was occupied, and his pet shouldn’t be hungry in the first place. “You just invited yourself to stay the night.”, he teased her, then shook his head. “I don’t want to move much, and the right thing would be to at least walk you back, but I think my bed can fit us both. Do you want to change clothes or anything? My stuff should fit you, unless you’re, I don’t know, pretty buff from all the kid wrangling? Tho, I’d probably be able to see that, so I’d assume not.” Jo giggled for a second, not willing to stir from his chair yet, but they ought to not let the night turn into day.

"I never said you're not allowed to carry anything, I just said I will carry things too.", Lucy explained with a giggle. Josiah was way too worried about her, actually about everyone, it wasn't just her, even though she kind of wished it to be. The people Josiah mentioned weren't her favorites sans James. "James is sweet, he just underestimates his strength all the time.", she chuckled and ignored the other examples, since she had nothing good to say about them. Roy was mean, always causing trouble and generally an asshole while Louis was probably even worse. He treated everyone around him like shit and lied to get his way. The two of them were a great fit actually. "Uhm... I don't know how, but we don't have an oven, just open fire, I'm not sure if that would work...", she mused. None of them were bakers. They sold candied apples and cotton candy, but that was about it. Sometimes they bought supplies of pre done sweets in town to sell it here at a higher price. "Wow that's rude, I think crocodiles can be cude too, just like Jumpy." Their spider, many didn't like it, but Lucy thought it was cute, albeit pretty deadly as well. "I know, you spend all your money on books and your hair, actually only your hair, most of your books are about chemicals aren't they?", she asked looking at the stuffed cupboard which was full of them. "Sorry, I didn't mean to...", she mumbled a bit emberassed, but she wanted to stay from the beginning. It was nicer not being alone. She chuckled again. "I don't think I'm too buff for your clothes.", she let out with a small wink and eventually got up. "But you can't be looking when I change!", she repremanded him before anything had even happened. Not that she would strip completely naked either, but still. "Where's your clothes, down here?", she asked opening a drawer under Josiahs bed. All of them didn't have much, so she'd make sure to wash it properly before giving it back, but the idea of wearing something of Josiah was enticing. She looked through the fabrics, alls just tossed down there and pulled out a wide shirt that was even wide for Josiah and some comfortable looking pants. "Can I borrow this?"

"Maybe I don't want to carry anything and you're getting in on my plans of pawning stuff off to someone else ... I'd never do that, just to be clear.", he joked, making his stance on the matter obvious - Josiah enjoyed many things and running errands for the circus in town was one of his favorites, but sadly, they never brought it close enough for him to actually take Louis anywhere anymore, he seemed ... tied down. Right now, he still didn't quite understand, but it ought to be the distance that was the problem, then. "That's true enough, at least he isn't a knucklehead." Like Roy was - Josiah didn't like him, even more so after he'd been ... well, he didn't want to think about it, he was still mad about that, and the thought alone ruined his mood a bit. "I guess we could try and craft something like an oven, but I doubt it would get hot enough, or have the same effect. Well, we'd better leave it to the bakers, then." No need to get themselves all tied up in something like baking, not if it had no benefits anyway and they'd basically burn hard-earned money in the blink of an eyes - Josiah had done so with the chemicals at first, when he was still quite a bit younger, but he had all of that under control now, mostly. "The spider? Of all things? You're full of surprises, but I guess I like snakes, and you like Jumpy ... well, that's interesting, kind of.", Josiah snorted in amusement, ascertaining an image in his mind's eye, with Lucy and all those quirks she had; cute ones, at that. "They are!", he proudly proclaimed. Louis seemed to be ... different, but they both read a lot, and even now, he was thinking about that damn guy, despite trying his best to get him out of his mind. What a shame. "I have plenty about other stuff, but most of them are about chemicals ... I like taking things apart to understand them, but you can't really do that with, well, acid of all things, so reading it is. It's interesting stuff, though. Helps quite a bit, and it helps me learn more things about what I'm dealing with.", he explained to her, knowing that the topic was most likely boring, not just to her, but to anyone that was forced to listen to him about how any of this stuff was made. "I'm just pulling your leg, you're more than welcome to stay ... and I won't look, I promise!" No crossed fingers or anything. Deep down they were still kids, anyway - always fooling around about the same stuff, at any given time. "Yeah, should be in there. It's mostly leisure clothes, so they aren't exactly ... in order, I guess." The real deal was either hung up and stashed somewhere else, or he folded them neatly if he needed them for his work, knowing that if they had any sort of wrinkles, there was no iron to get rid of them with. Before he could say anything more, Lucy had already picked out some stuff, and Jo raised a questioning eyebrow at the stuff she had picked - were those even his clo- no. He ought to give those back, and maybe it was better he didn't ... "You should probably pick a different shirt, that isn't mine ... I kind of forgot to give it back, but anything else in there should be okay! Just pick whatever, I'm going to stop lookiiiiinggggggg now!" And with that, he closed his eyes and put his hands in front of them, too, while turning around.

"You seem like the kind of guy to uy magic beans, I'm surprised you always come back with everything we ask for.", Lucy smiled and she didn't mean it in a bad way. Josiah was just often idealistic and sweet and he wanted everyone to live a better life. If some magic beans could help, he'd probably buy them. "I don't think we stay long enough at one place to build something like that. We'd have to leave it behind... and we have the grills and stuff, they work well. Maybe it's somehow manageable, but we should just buy some to see if they are good in the first place!" She was already looking forward to it and those were easier to get than a crocodile. Lucy looked at Josiah rather curious. "How is that interesting?", Lucy asked. "Jumpy is fluffy, she's cute." Unlike the snake, she wasn't fluffy at all, but not ugly either. She took another look at Josiahs collection of books and smiled. "This stuff is kind of dangerous, so it's good you're taking it serious. Is there anything else you can do with them though? It seems like it's a waste to read so much and only use that knowledge for one thing." She then looked at the clothes again. When they were kids they used to go swim and bathe together, but Lucy was too old for that now and she wanted Josiah to know that too. She was a woman now and he was a man. She raised an eyebrow at Josiah when he tol her the shirt wasn't his in the first place. It was definetly a mans, but him and Louis didn't talk in a long time, so who's...? Well it didn't matter and she didn't want to ruin the mood with stupid questions. "Alright, how about this one then?", she asked and held up another one which got approved by Josiah. She put the other one back where she found it. Lucy turned around and saw Josiah with his hands in front of his face. She made a silly face to make sure he didn't look and when he didn't react, she started to get out of her clothes and into Josiahs. The shirt was too big and she tied a knot at the end to make it fit better, the pants likewise were a bit big, but they came with a cord she tied tight enough around her waist. Once she was done she booped Josiahs nose to make sure again that he wasn't looking. "Now I almost feel bad to ask you to strip." She nodded at the ointment she brought.

"Hey now, I'm not that gullible. I'll admit, I'm gullible, but magic beans? Come on, if those were real, I think we'd have heard about some kid or another making it all the way up there.", Josiah admitted, knowing that he had a soft spot for "magic" hijinks that were nothing but a scam, sounding about as real as a pink elephant with wings, or even an unicorn. "Trying them should be better than actually buying the ingredients, because if we don't like them, I guess we wasted our money, and if we do mess them up, we also wasted our money." Not that he ever cared about applying his finances in the right spots - he could mend holes in his or anyone elses clothes, and he could get by on scraps if the food were to cost anything, but he knew that it would likely be burdensome for anyone that wasn't used to the life that he used to live once upon a time. "I'd take you for the type to be scared of that many legs, or the multiple eyes, or even the hair you're calling fluffy. I guess I was wrong." Even now his old friend was full of surprises as well and left him wondering if he even knew her to begin with - what if he didn't? Right now, it shaped up to be likely. "Oh, plenty! We could probably use them for fireworks, or other kind of shows that would call for something like non-extinguishable fire, well, with water anyway. But I don't want anyone to get hurt, you know? This stuff's more dangerous than it looks, all dandy in those little bottles." Airtight, and properly sealed too - some of them he shouldn't even work with in enclosed rooms because of the fumes, but more often than not, he ignored that warning and only opened his door - or window - quite a ways too late. "Should be fine, don't worry about it ... as long as it isn't that one, I don't think you'd enjoy sleeping in that very much." Whether or not it was Louis he wouldn't say, but he had to admit that it was useless to deny any sort of allegations and just make the best of what they had - if none of it suited Lucy's tastes, he'd simply go get her own stuff, it wasn't like it would be a trek around the world anyway. When he heard rustling, he remained with his back turned to Lucy, not saying a word, occupied with his own thoughts for just a short while, only to get startled for it. Josiah was somewhat jumpy, and right now, that showed - he cramped up for a second, then looked up in relief to see that nothing had changed. Well, nothing much. "See? They fit you, they're actually just a bit too big, too." Maybe that added to the coziness of it all. "Pfft, fine. I can put clothes on after, anyway." He wasn't in any sort of work slacks anyway - he could go to bed in these, and for the time being, he was planning on doing so, when he took off his shirt and tossed it in a basket that he'd collected his dirty laundry in. "Is that good enough?" Josiah was black and blue, quite obviously so, but it didn't seem like he was affected by it, at first glance anyway - he just ignored most of it, truly.

"Is that truly the reason you didn't buy any before, or is it because you'd be scared o the consequences if it wasn't true?", Lucy asked chuckling. He took Josiah as a dreamy person, but also as someone who was incredibly self-conscious and scared of others judgement or not doing what he was asked to do, failing in essence even if what he brought was better than what he was tasked to bring. "It's probably also hard to make just a few, we don't have to buy as many.", she smiled and then listened to the explanation why she should not like Jumpy. "Non hairy spiders aren't really my thing, but Jumpy is cute and well behaved." And poisonous but she never bit anyone, she just crawled around or hid somewhere in her container. "Oh? I think that could be great though! Some colored fire that fits the theme of the act or something. Fireworks too, people would maybe pay extra for it!" Lucy was excited by the idea, but she understood that Josiah only taught himself all of this and fire wasn't exactly his favorite subject. The shir however was probably Louis, because it would make even less sense if it was Roys or another one of those guy's. Anyone else wouldn't bother her, but again she didn't want to bring him up. not yet anyway, not while they were having fun. Josiah liked the sight of her wearing his clothes though, or maybe that was just her imagination. She smiled and turned a bit. "It's very cozy." Which was the most important thing. Josiah didn't hesitate to get out of his own clothes, his shirt at least and Lucy didn't like what she saw. She looked at him worried. "That must hurt... maybe we should get a doctor..." They were expensive, but she rather had him checked out. For now she got her chair from before closer in the cramped spice and sat down next to him. She took the creme and put some of it on her fingers. "I hope I brought enough. Just tell me if it hurts okay? I'll try to be careful." Carefully she put only her fingertips on one of the darker spots on Josiahs ribs, softly applying the ointment on his skin, careful not to use too much pressure to not hurt him.

“I … don’t … uhhhh …” He didn’t like that question, but it was obvious what the truth was - of course Josiah did not like know that he might mess up if he used his own brain just a little bit too much, and he also knew that there were consequences. Again, he liked what he had, and he didn’t want it to change for the worse - he didn’t even think that it could get better to begin with. “I … I guess? I like things how they are, and … weeeeell, I’d prefer not to make them worse.”, he eventually confessed, knowing that Lucy would keep his secrets as they were - between them, now that he was willing to share them, and they didn’t have to tiptoe around the topic, not if Josiah was earnest to begin with. With their plans of baking macarons in some sort of contraption abandoned, he adjusted his position on the chair so Lucy had an easier time reaching all those spots, black, and blue, and purple, and maybe a little bit yellow on the edges. “That’d mean that the ringmaster would buy into the idea, probably, which would free up my personal money, but I’d have to let just about everyone play with something dangerous - I don’t want anyone to get hurt. Maybe when I figure out something stable, failsafe to use, in a way? Then I’d consider it.” Only then, when he could absolve himself from any sort of guilty conscience, yet, Jo already knew he’d never be able to do that from the get go - if it was something he’d come up with at some point, and it led to an injury even years later, he felt guilty. “I’m glad about that, at least.” And sorry that he couldn’t offer her anything else, as a thanks for the meal or the treatment she was about to subject him to - Josiah thought of Lucy as too good for him, much like Louis had alleged he thought about him at times, and then, it all turned into a roundabout way of saying a whole lot of nothing. Here, like this, if he were to at least accept his conflicting feelings, he felt whole and loved, cherished and swaddled, just for being himself - something he’d longed for for a while. “Don’t give me that look, it always looks worse than it really is, and this one’s no different … I promise it barely hurts, I’ll be right as rain in no time! No doctor needed.” If he rested well and enough, that was - not that he was ever capable of such things, no. Jo was the definition of always having to be on his two feet, and needing to occupy himself lest he’d waste away within ten minutes from boredom and just that alone - he tinkered, even when he had the flu; as long as he could move, he could do something. “I’ll do that, but you don’t have to be that careful, I can take it.”, he assured her, but the moment her fingers touched his skin, he knew he shouldn’t have said that. Endurance was one thing, he could be brave now, avoid any sort of medical checkup and a hiccup in his own and the circus’ finances, or he could fess up and be banished to his room for who knew how many days or weeks - Josiah would rather take the former, and he knew that. “See? It’s fine.”

"I'm sorry, Jo, I'm just joking. You are perfect just the way you are.", Lucy smiled upon noticing that she maybe crossed a line just now. Josiah only ever saw his shortcomings and teases often stuck to him and he worried about what of it was true and if he needed to change something about himself to make others happy. "I mean you could ask him. I know you worry, all the time, but it could be really neat. We could try some things outside of the premise if you want? Even if it goes wrong, nobody will get hurt there, right? Maybe if you asked the ringmaster he lets you learn in a city with someone knowing their stuff as well." That would mean Josiah would leave for a while and train under some stranger all by himself. It didn't sound like something Lucy wanted, but if it made Josiah happy, she would encourage him. He always tried to find way to make himself more useful around here after all. "I would like to see another circus one day, just to see what our competition does, don't you? Wouldn't it be fun if we could do an exchange for a few months? Some of us go over there, some come here and we learn from each other? Hm, but I guess you wouldn't want to teach the competition new tricks..." They also weren't close to one ever, after all why would they go to a place where another circus already set up? It would just cause fewer people to come. "You always play it down when you're hurt. I remember we had to occupy you for weeks when you broke your shoulder once. Louis, Leila, Conny and I took turns playing games with you, or reading something to you, just so you'd stay put. You haven't changed a bit.", Lucy reprimanded Josiah with a smile, she still loved him for it. "I don't want you to take anything that's avoidable." Lucy looked up into Jos face. "You don't have to act all strong around me, okay?" She softly put her hand on his cheek and smiled softly and lovingly. "I'm here for you and I won't tell anyone about how you're really doing if you don't want me to. You should have someone you can talk to and if I can dump my worries on you, I want to do the same for you, okay?" She looked at him for one more moment, then let her hind slide down again to softly rub the ointment on his chest.

"Don't ... sweat it. It's fine, I'm just insecure and you just tried to point something out, it's not like you teased me on purpose. I don't take you for that kind of person.", Josiah told her, straight up, well aware that Lucy was demeaning when she needed to be, but more over had a gentle side to her that she rarely showed any of them, really. Was she, truly, just another face in the circus of all places? "I could, and I ... don't know. See, I think that if something goes wrong, in a terrible worst case scenario that might not even happen, but we both know how I can be, it might cause some issues that I don't want to be liable for, and even if I'm not, I'd worry, all the same." Wasn't it like this all the time? Something outside of Josiahs control happened and, like a gear being spurred on to work, he started blaming himself for no real reason other than that it fit his narrative, one that was somewhat self-destructive, if not self-loathing. Perhaps prioritizing a change in his way of thinking, above all else, was something that he should aim for, more than anything else, for an obvious reason. Freeing himself of that lone shred of a thought, he was back to listening to Lucy all the same, as she worked her fingers against his bruised and battered skin, a mimicry of it should look like, and akin to those stained glass panes he sometimes saw when travelling, if only because he strayed from the usual path he was supposed to take. "See, aside from teaching the competition tricks, I think I'd also feel lonely, knowing all of you are here, and I'm elsewhere. I don't know, it's like ... leaving the nest in a way, isn't it? And besides, I doubt the ringmaster would be welcoming of outsiders, given his ... usual approach to things, if you can call it that.", he lamented, and even if he wanted to leave, he'd have no way of knowing if he ever came back - even a temporary leave, though, wasn't something that Louis seemingly wanted for him, no. They'd gone over this, if anything, he should leave forever, make sure he gained distance to the circus and never looked back, but Josiah knew he couldn't do that, that he'd miss a part of himself until the end of time. "Psht, that was nothing! And I changed, of course! I'm a man now, not a boy, but that doesn't mean that my stellar character - which was already quite refined back then - took any sort of damage from it. I'm still me, genuine and immature as always.", Jo cackled, but he knew that was no laughing matter. Right now, if he found any of the kids difficult to deal with, he still managed to wrangle them, but wrangling himself, at that age, sounded like a nightmare, even to himself, of all people. "I'm fine, don't worry, if it hurts I'll ... let you know. Maybe not scream in pain, but I'll ... I'll just tell you.", he reasoned with a smile, weak and content for the time being, and let Lucy do her handiwork, as she saw fit, even if he flinched a bit. "I ... fine. I'm not going to put up a front." His entire personality was that, in part, wasn't it? "I ... ack ..." That did hurt. "I get what you mean, but I don't want you to feel like I'm just using you, you know?" There was a pregnant pause. "I'd hate to make you feel like that, just keep in mind that I'm here for you as well, okay?", he implored her eventually, smiling in her direction, but maybe not at her - Jo was, well, he wasn't sure what he was supposed to feal.

"Sometimes I forget how you always take everything to heart. It's not a bad thing, you know? You always want everyone to be happy and everyone to like you. Just know that that doesn't work out for every single person, hm? Sometimes you just have to be yourself. I like you how you are. You don't need to change, not for me and nor for anyone else." Especially not Louis who's affection Jo was always chasing, even more so since the accident, when Louis just stopped being his friend, all of theirs actually. "Jo, you worry too much. This place is dangerous at times, the animals are still wild animals, the gear not always in top shape, people make mistakes and sometimes people get hurt with no fault of their own. If you think you'd enjoy it, I think you should pursue it." She knew that this was a double edged sword, that Josiah knew himself all too well and that if something would happen, he'd blame himself and it would break him apart, even if it wasn't his fault. Even Leilas loss ley heavy on his shoulders, heavier than on anyone elses it seemed. "I understand that, so... what if we went together?", Lucy chuckled. Josiah was right, the ringmaster would not like it, but it was a fun idea. She wanted to see another show once, not from behind the stage but from the front row seats. How Josiah then talked about himself made Lucy laugh genuinely, Josiah was funny, acting and sweet. Lucy continued running her fingers over Josiahs body, over his chest, and side and his stomach, still as softly as she could. She noticed the flinching however, Josiah was more hurt than he let on. Lucy looked up again. "Using me? Don't be silly. Jo, we grew up together, you don't have to repay me for something like this. You'd do the same for me and more and just because right now I'm the one caring for you, doesn't mean you use me. Besides, you're helping me too, by just being here and having dinner with me. I enjoyed that." Lucy stopped and looked at Josiah with another smile. "And now show me your back, okay?"

"I suppose it's one of my best qualities and one of my worst flaws at the same time, isn't it? There's so little that works in my favor when I try really hard, but pieces just fall into place when I am authentic, and yet, sometimes, it only works the other way around. I'd suppose it's a bit like my profession, contorting myself and all." Not just his body, but his personality, too. Over the years, he had learned which parts of the circus could deal with him as he was and which one preferred he'd rather act all docile and well-behaved when he could - many things in life were double-edged swords, but Josiah himself knew that his personality tended to be one as well. "I know, I know. I just can't change who I am, and that's something I have to deal with. I only want the best for everyone, even if they don't always want the same for me." Plenty people in this circus would rather use others than let themselves be used and even more of them were quick to throw some of them overboard if they had to, to save their own skin. Animals weren't like that, one more reason that he preferred their company over humans in recent times. Jo knew that he couldn't hide forever, though, and he was also fairly aware that people like Lucy did care, all things considered. "Just the two of us? And who's going to take care of all those rascals?", he pointed out, first things first, deadly serious about the matter, only to shake his head. "I ... it's not like I don't want to, it's just, I think I'm not good at putting myself first, except when I am, but that only ever happens when ..." He wanted Louis' attention, no matter what, and he'd do many many things to get it, just like last time, when he realized how awful he truly was. Thinking back on it, it felt like a fresh slap in the face, something he desperately needed, to free himself from the stupor he had been in and realize that the way he acted was simply ... wrong. All of it was wrong, every single aspect of hi- no. Relaxation was a word to him, not a concept, something that he should hold dear, but he forgot about not too long thereafter. When Lucy touched him, he flinched once more - his expression pained and confused alike. "I suppose so, I just want to cover all fronts and make sure we're on the same page. That's silly, I know." Painfully silly, at that. With a swift motion, he turned around, pressed his chest against the back of his chair and showed Lucy his back - it looked ever so slightly better, at least. "It's been nice spending time with you like this, sorry to bring down the mood with ... well, all of that."

"Like your act, huh? Hm..." Lucy wondered if anyone else took their profession into their personal life. Louis was certainly always acting and playing a role. James always was the strong one in body and made... and Roys tongue was as sharp as his knives. "You're too good Josiah.", Lucy sighed with a smile. She didn't want to bring up Louis, but he just showed why she just said that. He had no love for Josiah, quite the opposite and yet Jo still saw him as that young boy, as his best friend and everytime they fought Josiah looked for the fault in himself. "I know, we have our responsibilities and neither of us wants to leave the children with certain other people around here. It's just a funny thought, nothing more." It wasn't going to happen whether they wanted to or not. It's not like exchange programs like these were common place and the ringmaster kept everything inside their camp. Most of them weren't even allowed to leave the premise, not even Josiah if he didn't got permission. "I'm not asking for anything in return and I don't feel used. You are my friend and I want to care for you." Josiahs back looked much better, but also not very good. He flinched less when she applied the ointment though. Maybe his legs needed some too, but that probably went a bit too far. "You're not. It's not just about being happy and ignoring our troubles. We can talk if you want to." Lucy smiled again and wondered if now would be a good time to... "You know... Louis went around telling some people you... might hurt yourself. I'm not sure what's going on with him. Why would he make something like that up? Just to keep you away from the show?" Lucy sighed slightly. Josiah wouldn't do something like that, he wouldn't just leave them alone. "He's so weird lately... even weirder than usual. He was late today. I don't think that happened in... ever, actually. And then Roy wasn't showing at all..."

All the praise he got would feel great if, and only if, he‘d feel the same way about himself - he had his strengths, much like anyone that was part of this circus, this half-baked freakshow, and he had his shortcomings, just like anyone else. Lucy, in turn, praised him for so many things that, if he were to account for everything, he‘d probably be great at breathing, too, according to her. The irony of the entire situation didn‘t seem to reach her, though, and thus he zipped his lips shut, smiling slightly. “You praise me too much.”, he clarified once more, hoping that she’d understand - Jo liked earning his praise, his laurels, and he didn’t take them for granted, therefore, he also didn’t want them to be thrown at him just like that. “I suppose we could always ask … I just know the ringmaster won’t say yes, even if we beg him.” It would leave the rest of their family vulnerable and scrambling, haphazardly trying to slot those new people into appropriate tasks for them. If one of them left, the other could handle the kids, but both of them? No way, not in a million years. “I’m aware of that, and I’m glad you’re my friend, I just want to make sure we’re both on the same page.” And run in circles for way too long, especially when they didn’t have to - Jo was unable to accept that anything good would happen to him, of all people, and that was one of his defining characteristics; at this point, it had to have been for years. “Mh, not tonight. I’m glad to know you’d lend me an ear, but we both could do well with a nights rest first.” Or several, for that matter - he felt like he’d been ran over by an entire trailer and that, in essence, wasn’t too far off from his predicament as Lucy finished up the massage. “Thank you.”, he mumbled, quite ready for bed at that point, only to have another topic pique his interest, the moment the first words fell from Lucy’s lips, like a faucet that - at first - was simply leaking a few droplets and then broke out into a full on stream of water, pelting down on his ears like hail. “Huh? Ah, that.”, Jo sighed, recalling that he’d heard similar not too long ago - it made him feel almost embarrassed to recall, knowing that he’d acted out of desperation more than anything sensical. “I threw some stuff at his head without thinking and he took it to heart, so he was worried about me. It’s not made up. I’m fine, though, don’t worry … he wasn’t doing it to be malicious, still.” Lucy really hated Louis now, didn’t she? “Wait, what?” There was a second in which Jo needed to think, badly. “Maybe they had a fight and Roy didn’t show up to spite him, who knows, it does sound like something he’d do.” Not that Josiah knew Roy, yet he’d rather ask Louis himself instead of making up some stupid rumor that, at best, wasn’t even half-true. “He’s probably having a hard time, like the rest of us. I don’t think the recent weeks have been good to us at times … it’s just one thing after the other.”

"You put yourself down too much.", Lucy retaliated, but left it there. Josiah always thought he wasn't good enough and Lucy didn't understand where that notion came from. It probably started with competing with Louis and then got worse when that guy didn't have any love left for Jo, for whatever reason. "As I said, it's just a funny fantasy. It won't happen, but that doesn't mean I can't think about how it would be." A little fantasy didn't hurt, much like thinking about how it would be to have actual parents, or a different life altogether. Lucy looked at Josiah a bit puzzled. "I don't think I get what you want to tell me. What page is that?", she asked, not sure if she wanted to know. It felt like Jo was about to push her away. Did she do something wrong? Was she too annoying? "Alright. I just don't want you to feel like you have to bottle everything up. Not in front of me, okay?" They both his their feelings in front of the children and Conny too, but it wasn't healthy to not talk about it. Lucy leaned back and looked at Jo, she couldn't really see any fruits of her labor, but hopefully it helped. He looked worse than she thought and Louis, for once, was right when he told him not to perform for a while. "You had another fight with him?", Lucy asked about Louis. She wasn't sure if Josiah just defended him, or if she was told the truth. There was almost no way for Josiah to badmouth Louis, even after what he did with Luke right after Leila... It wasn't right of him and he acted like nothing had happened, even though Josiah claimed otherwise. Was it so wrong of him to show that he was effected by her death as well? Couldn't he give all of them a break instead of kicking Luke out of the circus only hours later? "Hm... I guess that makes sense. He was hanging around Roy and the others more lately. Maybe they did have a falling out, I can see Roy not showing out of spite.", Lucy agreed. Maybe gossipping like this was wrong, but she had to get it off her chest. "Mh... he's very good at hiding it then...", Lucy mumbled, then shook her head. "Sorry... uh... you look tired. You know, I don't want to hurt you sharing a bed with you. I might move too much... I don't mind going back to my trailer if you prefer. Whatever lets you rest better, really."

A funny fantasy that Josiah wanted to be real, it only it meant that he could drag Louis with him, to the ends of the world, and suddenly he realized, he was really quite obsessed with a guy that wasn’t even here - Lucy was, she cared for him and showed him parts of her silly and vulnerable side, and yet, all Josiah was thinking about was his best friend, that damned man that was tied down here and would probably rot in this circus; and maybe Josiah would do so, with him. “Hm? Oh … I just mean that, I’m your friend, you’re my friend. That page - I don’t want you to think I don’t care about you, or your feelings. It’s just that I have a bunch of stuff on my mind is all. I’m sorry.”, he told Lucy straight up, knowing well enough that he was also lying, partially - that sort of stuff was about Louis, and it would never not be about him. It was all about self-loathing, and blaming himself, and how he wasn’t good enough, and how, if only he was better, smarter, quicker to catch on, he could’ve changed something about Luke’s dismissal or Leila’s untimely death. That, too, was wishful thinking on this part for sure. Biting his lower lip, he nodded at Lucy eventually. “Alright. No hiding my feelings, or thoughts.” That was something he’d figure out eventually, too; Jo knew that he was good at listening to others, and talking about lots of things, yet, when it came down to himself, he could only really say something about his feelings to Louis, like the idiot he was. “Kind of. It was more like an argument, and then just a normal talk. We both sort of … fell apart after a while? I guess you can call it that.”, he summarized for Lucy, finally turning around on his chair to look at her and search for a reaction in here face. Where was all of this going? What was he trying to accomplish? Or was it Lucy that wanted to get at something? “Sounds like a Roy thing, then. I still don’t g- never mind, honestly, I don’t want to know. He’s an adult, he can spend his time how he wants to.” Not that it didn’t hurt Josiah - it was obvious it did, to both him and Lucy, surely, so he didn’t have to spell it out, anyway. “He doesn’t like talking about his feelings, really.” Not that he ever did, or necessarily could. “It’s fine. I brought up a stupid topic. You can stay if you want, but I’m sorry if I made you uncomfortable and I get it if you’d rather leave.”

"Why would I think that? I really don't understand where you get that idea.", Lucy answered confused. Last time she spent the night felt good and Josiah listened while she cried and today was nice as well, with a warm dinner and a friendly face for once, a place where she didn't have to think about all the gloom and when the topic went there anyway, she knew she could talk openly to Josiah. Lucy tilted her head. "I feel like you're hiding your feelings from me already. I don't want to pressure you to talk to me, but you can. I can deal with it and maybe we even share some feelings. So much has happened the past few days, none of us should have to deal with it all alone. Conny might need some time and love, but I'm not her. We can talk about everything, about Leila, or your fights with Louis if you want to.", she tried to encourage Jo. He always talked to Louis it seemed, but that didn't mean he couldn't talk to someone else after everything had changed. "Fell... apart?", she asked, not exactly knowing what that meant. "You don't have to tell me.", she added fairly quickly. For a moment she looked at her hands, then sighed. "I know I've been a bit harsh when it comes to Louis lately... he's... well it doesn't matter. We can still talk about him and I'll keep it between us of course. I'll tone down on my criticism as well, if you want me to." Louis was all Jo had on his mind sometimes and if he felt like he couldn't talk to Leila about him, he'd just eat it inside himself. Leila was angry at Louis, but she could swallow it down if need be. "You're upset he's spending time with them over you... or us?", she asked carefully. "Mhm... I've probably been a bit unfair, haven't I? He cared about Leila too... and if he acted rash it might have had to do with him being shocked as well and it's not like he's responsible for the ringmasters wishes either, I just wish he'd talk to us if something is bothering him and I don't really understand why he has to treat everyone like dirt all the time... I've understood when he finally left the ringmasters trailer after months, after the fire and his recovery, but he can't hide behind the trauma that left forever. Am I being unfair again?" She wanted to be understanding and nice, but the more she thought about Louis the more she noticed all those little things that bothered her. "No, Jo, it's not that really. I meant what I said. I'd like to stay here, but the bed will be cramped and even some little touches before hurt you. I just want you to be comfortable."

"Because I'm not exactly the best friend there is at times, if I'm honest. That's why. It's not you, it's me, that's about it.", Josiah openly told Lucy, knowing that the further he digged, the bigger his grave was going to get; he didn't care anymore, at least not at the moment. Why even pretend he did? Whether or not he was having fun, it was overshadowed by his thoughts about Louis, and it unnerved him, more so than ever. "I ... it's not that. There's just things I promised Louis I won't talk about, because it's not something regarding me, but him, and I tend to keep that promise. That doesn't mean that it doesn't bother me in some way.", he lied his way out of the situation, or at least tried to, and again found himself wondering if this really, truly was the way he had to go. Was it that much of a stretch to claim that some of the things that he'd spoken about with Louis were things he couldn't tell anyone because he'd been asked not to? Not necessarily, anyway - and now he was rationalizing his own horrible behavior. Today wasn't his day, that much was for certain at least. "We were both spent, and sort of exhausted from all the emotional turmoil ..." A good cry session and some cuddling had helped, at least for the time being, like a bandage for a still-bleeding wound. "I get it. You're just concerned about everyone else, and I'm concerned about both, but mostly Louis, because he's my best friend ... and by the way you're saying things at times, I think you'd not want me to think about him like that anymore?", he asked Lucy, straight up, his shoulders slacking and his expression defeated. It wasn't that easy. "Mostly. Look, it's about him more than it is about me, I can't force him to do something he doesn't want to do, but I really wish he'd talk to me, or to us at times, or at least try, and not lock himself up in his own head. It's frustrating, I just want to help, but I don't even know where to start with all of that ... not like he'll accept it, sadly." Trying to give Louis a hug, for example, was akin to catching a stray animal and convincing it, without any prep work, that hugs were fine and that there was nothing to worry about when a freakshow like Josiah suddenly squared up to it. "i wouldn't call it unfair. We're all just ... busy, and hurt, and tired and Louis never talks to any of us, or, well, any of you and when he does, it's never something like him opening up. I'm hurt and confused and annoyed too, and I don't know why he is the way he is sometimes, but those are just his quirks, and whatever sadness he carries with him, I think ... but I do tend to rationalize every single one of his actions, even if I shouldn't." That was something he had to work on, and maybe also something Lucy would want to hear - it wasn't that he cared about Louis any less, at least; he still cared for him, deeply. "It's fine, it's not going to kill me. Besides, I don't think you'll take up that much space, I'll be honest."

"I'm not expecting you to be. Being friends isn't about who's doing a better job, or repaying everything the other does for you. It's not a contract. I don't expect anything in return." Has Louis told Josiah he was a bad friend? Was that why he was so cought up on it? "Josiah, you do more than you give yourself credit for. You stayed with Conny for so long, because she is your friend and she needed you. You're not expecting her to pay you back and I likewise don't expect you to repay me for bringing over some food and helping you when you are hurt. We're all struggling with what happened and yet you went out of your way to spend time with Conny and me. I cried in your arms last night, you helped me, how does this make you a bad friend?", she asked him. "I understand that. Just don't try and carry all of that on your own if it's too much. If Louis still cares about you, he'll understand if you tell him." It wasn't Josiahs responsibility to keep his secrets if it hurt him. It was at least good to know that Louis didn't care at all about Leila and Luke, but he could show them all and not act like nothing had happened, or worse. "Well... It's not my place to tell you who you should be friends with or not, I just think that you still feel connected to Louis how he was five years ago. But neither of us are children anymore and he changed. He's not the boy we knew anymore and while I defended him plenty as well, at some point I realized I just can't anymore. How he treats you and the children is just not right and him having been our friend once doesn't excuse his behaviour. Since he's back he had had no single friendly word for us. Sometimes it seems like he tries, but those moments are fleeting. I don't like how he treats you, or anyone else. We were all hurt and scared after what happened and the first thing he did was rushing into the kids trailer, basically abducting Luke. Who knows where he is now, still alone and confused, with none of us able to hold him and able to explain to him what happened and what death even is. That was just... cruel and I can't find a single excuse that would explain his behavior on that day. Wasn't losing one friend enough?" Lucy was being honest, but she also knew this was most likely a lost cause. Josiah would never back down and even though he had his fights with Louis, even physical ones lately, he would never drop him. If she kept badmouthing him, she'd be the one who was dropped, not him. "You know, if you're saying it like that you almost sound like you're describing yourself. At times it is hard to see how you really do. I get it, I've given up helping him, but I've not given up wanting to be there for you and you still care deeply for him." Lucy let out a small sigh. "I'm just not sure if you can help someone who doesn't want to be helped. I'm scared this is hurting you too much." Lucy had no solution, not for Josiah nor Louis. "I know you still see him as your friend and I won't badmouth him anymore, okay?" It would only upset Josiah further. Lucy got up and turned to the bed to fluff up the pillows and move some stuff around so they'd have more room.

"You're right ...", he finally relented, after what felt like an undeniable eternity of harking on the same topic. No matter what Jo did, he found himself walking on eggshells and wondering just how he managed to keep going after all of that. Was it his daring attitude, or the inherent stupidity that he had come to the circus with that let him view everything through a warped lense? "I ... suppose. I'm not saying these things because I want you to point out all the things I did right, or because I want praise ... really. I just think that it ... I don't know, sometimes I get so in my own head that I eventually realize how bad it is, and then someone else tells me I'm being way too theatrical and over the top in my reactions. Let's just leave it at that, but, I'll admit I'm glad to hear all of that, and that someone appreciates me." Not that Louis didn't, right? What the hell was wrong with him today? Talking to Lucy was one of the more refreshing things he'd done in a long time, and yet, at the same time, one of the worst ones, seemingly. "Mhm." He'll understand, and shove him off again, doom him to his own little corner and they'd go back to how it was the last five years: Not even looking in one anothers direction, brushing off every single word they heard from one another and once they finally touched base, the fragile house of cards that Josiah alone tended to had crumbled because Louis was aiming a kick right at the foundation of it, now that it was all wobbly from years of partial neglect. "I ... don't have one either. I don't know. I wish I could know what goes on in his head sometimes, but maybe it's more the ringmaster telling him to do things than he himself doing those things, you know? Not that ... I have any idea, though, or that I'm looking for some sort of excuse for all of this. What he did wasn't right, and yet, he had his reasons, I'm sure. It just would help if he could talk about those, or at least his feelings, but he's so different from back then, and he's changed so much I sometimes feel like I'm holding onto a lifeline that someone tossed into the water, but nobody's holding." And that hurt, a lot, aside from the aspect of having to drown for foolishly believing in being saved. Was it wrong to have just a little hope at times? Lucy made it sound like all hope was lost on someone like Louis, at least, and Jo didn't know if that was really the truth. At least now he got up, put on the shirt he'd worn yesterday night; it was fine, still, and if he could avoid laundry, he would. "That's sweet, but don't worry about me. I know where to go, what to say, and who to say it to, if I need it. Him, I don't know." And Josiah wasn't any better - he'd bottle it up and then, when the cork was about to burst off, he'd simply deal with it himself. Why was he like this? It didn't help any of them, really. "It's alright, you can be honest with me ... I think we should get ready for bed anyway. Do you have everything? Do you need anything? Enough pillows? Enough blankets?", Josiah cautiously asked her, in case he had to pull out one of the thicker blankets from under his bed first.