eat your young (earinor & marquis)

Louis wasn't thinking clear, he wanted to save Josiah that was all. How could he make him see how dangerous this place was? And how could he make him understand that Louis was lost already? "Jo... I wish I could tell you everything, but I just can't... please just trust me..." He wouldn't. He would never let go of Louis, even after all what happened. "I don't deserve to be... helped... trust me. Leilas death is... entirely my fault." He was surprised he was able to say that, but in the end he just sounded like someone who blamed himself over an accident. Josiah probably was close to doing the same, like he blamed himself for what happened five years ago, when it wasn't his fault at all. Leila however... Louis tried to save everyone and that was what he got. Josiah almost died too and now he got him into danger because he was trying everything to defy those restrictions set upon him. Trying to leave this place wasn't better, he never tried and he was sure the ringmaster knew somehow.

"You can very well find happiness without me Jo, if you just tried... You don't owe me anything." They were going in circles, it was no use. "No.", he was quick to answer. There was no way back, no changing him, there was nothing anyone could do, Louis was sure. The more he slipped into this darkness, the less he had of himself and he feared that somewhen it would take him over completely. They had money, they had themselves, maybe Louis was scared for nothing, maybe he could drag Josiah out of here himself. "Away.", he told Josiah, still pulling him after him, step after step away from the circus. At first nothing happened, then he felt the pain in his scars get stronger. He ignored it as best he could, but next it was more difficult to breath with each step he took. He slowed down involuntarily, then let go of Josiahs wrist and eventually his body gave in. He fell on his knees into the mud, one hand clutching his chest as he coughed up the black smoke his lungs filled with. His skin in parts felt like he was burning all over again and he saw black flames dance around his scars, wondering if Josiah could see them too, or if it was like with the true faces of the others... and Louis himself.

Again, he didn't understand. Would Louis ever give him the time of day, would he ever try to understand him? They both talked to each other, but instead of talking with one another, they simply talked around each other, as if they were running in circles, like a headless gaggle of crows. "I know you can't, it's okay, that's why I said I'll figure it out ... Somehow. But I can't ... I just can't trust you." Everything that Louis meant, in that very moment, might actually be him speaking the very truth, yes, but really, he was making this harder than Josiah ever thought it would be. There was no Louis left to trust - he'd go against his best wishes, because it was his duty, and he'd hate himself for it. "It's not. Stop spouting nonsense.", he reprimanded his friend. This man blamed himself for her death - a noble sacrifice, but Jo decided to live in ignorance, at least until now. "I ... don't blame yourself. These things happen." They unfortunately did, but this accident was different - not that Josiah would know things such as these anyway. There was, in truth, nothing to be concerned with, in a world full of detached madness like they lived in.

"No. This ... Louis, you don't get it. This isn't about me not trying, this is about me knowing.", he was firm in his assessment. His voice had become stern just for that very moment. "Yes." And for the sake of arguing, they'd argue more, even if that was all they ever did. "I'll make it happen, somehow." Some way, as long as he could learn and understand what it meant to be someone like Louis, so cursed to live he'd never thought about the consequences he'd experience in the first place when he forged a deal with someone Josiah saw in an entirely different light in the first place. "Away? Now?" Truly? Josiah followed him, almost with some sort of anticipation in his step, to be alone with Louis, go someplace they wouldn't have to bother with all of this anymore, but he was met with a bizarro scenario that felt like a crude joke in the end. At first it was subtle, but Louis behavior grew slightly more erratic, until it reached a crescendo - he collapsed on his knees, in pain and let go. Jo looked at him, looked at the smoke that shouldn't be there in the first place and blinked at him. Something was off - but he couldn't see it, not past what he'd just seen, but ... "Are you ...? We should ... How ... What?", he exclaimed. "We ... we need to go back. Wh- what ... hah ... ?" Jo was confused; what was this? Something was wrong, not right at all, and when he reached to touch Louis, he had to pull back. "Ouch ..." Why was he so cold it burned? Or was it so hot that it stung? Jo was confused. "Is that ... what you can't talk about?"

"If you can't trust me... what do you think I am asking these things of you for?" Did he thin Louis was jealous and wanted to get rid of him, so he'd be the shining star or something? Fair, Louis betrayed Josiah, but he already told him all those things before that and he didn't trust him then either. Louis just couldn't fight anymore. He was stuck in this prison and Josiah would never listen to him, no matter what he did. He just wanted to give up and accept his fate. "You don't understand...", he mumbled. Never would Josiah understand and Louis didn't know what to do anymore. Just keep living here, just keep managing, keep hoping Josiah wasn't the one picked ever? What if he was? Should he sacrifice all the others over him? Louis wished he could just take their place, but that was impossible.

"You don't know that...", he huffed. How could he? He clung so much to Louis, he suffocated him at times. Dragging him along only got them so far, maybe a hundred meters until Louis couldn't stand anymore. He wasn't sure if this would kill him, but it felt like it. He smelled the smoke and he smelled burning flesh. The soot layered his lungs as he struggled to breath, right now he couldn't say anything and as Josiah tried to grab him, he shied away. Louis body was shaking and he couldn't move. He had to go back and yet he didn't want to, he wanted to defy the ringmaster and his rules, but that thought soon dissipated as his mind was only filled with pain and the will to survive. "Jo...", he coughed and reached out the arm that got less burnt. The scars were mostly covering his left side, with his right arm and leg also having some, but definitely not as many. He wasn't sure if he could make it back alone, just a few meters and maybe it would stop.

"I'm sorry. I get it. Just ... I can't.", he told Louis, and he'd mean it, he'd never not mean it when he said something - he put his money where his mouth was for a reason, and Josiah never had much money to himself in the first place, given that they all waited for the blissful days of getting an allowance from the ringmaster here and there. "Maybe I don't, maybe you are just saying things again, I don't know. I don't think it was your fault. Louis, these things happen, and even if it is your fault, I want to believe that it isn't, because that's not you, and also, what would you even have done? The rope was fine, and you sure didn't make sure Cornelia wouldn't be able to grab ahold of her." Truth be told, the happenings in this circus were robbing him of everything that a sensible mind would have access to - there was no way he'd get out of this in one piece, there was no chance for him to flee from the confines of his own ideals, there simply was nothing he could do. Did he put Louis on a pedestal, simply to make him someone he wasn't?

"No, that's what you want to assume. I'll make it happen somehow, just ... you don't need to trust me, but I promise it to you. One way or the other.", Jo hammered home once more. Whatever ailed Louis, he'd find out, and then, whatever it was that stood between them, he'd figure it out to and make it undone. They could go back to the way things were, which Josiah himself would enjoy more than he probably wanted, or maybe he'd finally make things right for himself and never talk to Louis again. "Hm?", he looked at Louis, grabbed his outstretched arm again and ignored the stinging he felt - it was like a small current, not a pleasant one, that ran through Lou's arm and it now was raising the hairs on his own arm. "Up you go." He pulled him up, as best he could, and dragged him back to where they came from, as far as he could, or at least as much as Louis would budge under his grasp. "What ... even is all that? Are you okay?", he ought to know. What was going on here?

Louis felt Josiahs grip and held on to him as best he could. His body felt heavy and he struggled to even stay awake with barely any air left. He let Josiah drag him back, feeling the pain subside bit by bit. He could breath better again too and yet he was too exhausted of it all. He forced himself to do a few steps himself, but eventually just couldn't anymore. He couldn't expect Josiah who was still hurt himself to carry him back, this far was fine or now. He was still breathing heavy and clutched his chest, he was sweating and his body still hurt. He needed a break, even better some sleep. At the very least he needed to catch his breath for now and maybe he'd make it back on his own. He sat there on the ground, still shaking and looked up at Josiah. As soon as he caught his gaze he averted his eyes however. He couldn't anser his question, of course and he couldn' leave this place as he suspected.

He wondered if there would be any more consequences for him even trying. He learnt this lesson now too, but that didn't mean the ringmaster would see it the same way. Was Louis fine? No not at all. He made a point of not being able to leave, of something unnatural going on, hopefully. Maybe that was a good thing and maybe it was the opposite of. Louis rested his head on his knee still trying to breath. he was at his wits end, he was scared and Josiah would still not understand one single thing. If anything he would try harder to figure it out for him and that couldn't be good. By trying to save everyone but himself five years ago, he only accomplished being complicit in all o their demises.

What more could he do for Lou? How could he really understand what was going on? It was important he got him back - or close to back - first and then assessed the situation, in case there was anything he could do for Louis. What, if not out of here, was the best decision? If he couldn't leave and this wasn't a random episode, then there was another problem that Jo didn't quite grasp yet. Where would they ever be able to go, at some point, in a few years when all of this was not keeping them together and in place anymore - but Jo never wanted to leave, yet Louis was deadset on doing so. Where would either of them even go? Just find a new circus, deal with it? Find manual labor, somewhere, that valued their individual talents in some sort of crude fashion? They were outsiders, and that much was for certain - neither of them were going to be welcomed anywhere, but even the circus seemed to have a grasp on one of them, like they were indeed living and breathing organisms trapped within a larger compound of flesh that needed them, to run smoothly and not be pulled apart, or forever silenced itself.

Jo caught his breath as Louis let go and he looked at him, curled up on the ground, just keeping to himself, naturally overwhelmed with how things were. Something was off, and all of that culminated in this stuff? He didn't know what to say, or do, or for that matter make of any of this and it only got more mystifying as time went on. He looked at Louis, and without even thinking about it, got on his knees as well, knowing his gaze was avoided, knowing that he probably was smoldering with some sort of hate for him. This was his fault, was it not? "I'm sorry, I didn't mean to ... I didn't know this would happen. You should ... we should bring you to your trailer so you can rest.", he carefully whispered. When and if he managed to get Louis to lay down, if that was even possible, he could talk to Alice, or at least make his mind up about things. No dying, but no living here - there was some other things as well, and Jo, ever the cautious one, ignored all discomfort that any physical contact with Louis would bring him, and that weird sensation that his body seemed to send his way. He wrapped his arms around him as best he could, patted his back, didn't avoid his gaze. "I promise I'll figure out how to help you." He'd lay his life down for that, then.

Louis had nothing to say anymore and he was still catching his breath. Maybe they didn't go far enough to make him fully recover, but he needed this break at the moment, not only because of the happenings just before, but because he was tired over all and he hadn't eaten in a while. Not that he was hungry now either. None of this was Josiahs fault, but Louis didn't have the strength to argue right now, he didn't even have the strength to speak. Instead he weakly nodded. To the trailer sounded fine, so he could hide from the world for some more and regret his decisions, every single one of them. This had been an incredibly bad idea. What had gotten into him? He didn't even know what he expected and it didn't help anyone either. Louis was done and beaten, it was all getting too much, finally after five years. He missed Leila...

Josiahs words hurt. Of course he would, of course he would get himself in danger over him. Louis still didn't respond, he was busy sorting through his thoughts and he was busy pulling himself together at least a little bit. Maybe he should just let someone else deal with all of this. After a few more minutes he let Josiah help him on his feet and dragged himself to his trailer as best he could. He didn't want to rely on Josiah too much, he was still hurt himself. Once inside his trailer, Josiah helped Louis to his bed and Louis lay down without making a fuss. He needed to rest, he wanted to for once. Exhausted like this, maybe he wouldn't even dream.

With Louis in his bed and Josiah proud that he got him back there in one piece, he smiled at him, albeit quite spent and a bit exhausted. There was no easy way about this; there never would be, but at least they had one another to some capacity, could rely on themselves for just a little bit of help to get through a dire day, to get through the world that made them suffer, piece by piece, for months at a time. Now that he pulled a blanket over Louis, he couldn't help but wonder if the two of them were really supposed to be apart, or if they just had some hiccups to overcome. He missed Louis, all this time, maybe for all the wrong reasons that ate away at his consciousness and his understanding of what was real and what wasn't - he phenomenon he'd just witnessed, odd as it was, was simply something he'd had to slot into his narrative, somehow. So, the book wasn't talking about some sort of imaginary bogus that was loosely related to what Louis was alluding to, but the story had some meat on its bones, even when there were no words spoken between them, somehow.

"You can't tell me outright ... hm. Let's let that rest for a bit, then." And it wasn't out of Louis own decision, either. With the tired man in his bed, Jo wondered if there was more he could do for him, yet, he couldn't even recall when he last saw him, days before. Maybe he could ask the others, for something, some sort of help, a sign of sorts, a pointer in the right direction. But what would Louis ... no. Right. "Are you hungry?", he quizzed Lou, as if he had nothing better to ask, or no other thoughts in the back of his mind that plagued him for now. Normalcy was important, pretending sucked. There was no way they could escape the obvious anyway. "I haven't eaten yet, I'll get you something ... do you want to sleep? Should I wake you up before it's time?" Josiah didn't want to be anywhere near the other part of Louis, the guy that so freely offered to gut him if he wanted to, just to hurt himself over it - there had to be something he could do against that guy, too. What if he simply didn't indulge him? Perhaps it might work, but he had to figure out how first. In the end, he sat at the edge of Louis bed and brushed loose, sweaty strands out of his face - he didn't look good at all, he needed rest.

He only got out of his boots, he didn't even put on much of a coat when he suddenly left with Josiah, but he didn't have the strength to change his clothes either. He fell into bed before Josiah could even think of getting him spare clothes. He felt weak and he was still hurting, but not as bad as before. He could breath fairly normal again as well, but he was just incredibly tired. No talking today anymore, no fighting either, Louis closed his eyes for a moment, then looked at Josiah again who pulled the blanket over him, trying to comfort him. Why was he allowed to do that, when Louis wasn't allowed to care for him? He was asked if he was hungry and Louis just shook his head. Eventually later he'd eat, just to have eaten, but he wasn't hungry and he was too tired to think about food, even if it was brought right to him.

Wake him up before it's time? Right, the show, he was absolutely not feeling it, but he was the one person that was hard to replace when he was the one leading the audience through the whole show with all its acts. Besides, once he lost himself and became another man, he'd have no trouble doing it. Despite the hours of respite, he didn't look forward to it at all, he felt bad for what he said to Josiah and who knew who else he'd hurt. "I'll wake up in time on my own." He had no doubt about it, that other person wasn't tired, never. Josiah brushed some hair out of Louis face and in turn he grabbed his wrist. Not hard this time, not hard at all, he simply softly pulled it. He didn't want to be alone, not right now and why even when he again relented and failed to do what he wanted to for years now. Why not be selfish and ask for Josiahs comfort today?

With Louis adamance came his way of relenting - of knowing that there was no solace in these trailers, stacked together like townhouses on a unmapped hill, and Josiah knew himself well enough to be able to tell his own tall tale, of never wanting to leave this ghost town, even if it meant going down with it, in the epochs of yet another story, spread from one mouth to the other, like a kiss, or maybe even a disease. There he lay, the most beautiful man he'd ever had the misfortune of knowing, the man that wanted to rid himself of him as if he were the plague, a sickness, a pest - only wishing him the best, while carving pain deep into the flesh that held together his being, made skin and muscles, of sinew and bone. "You have to look more after yourself.", he chided the friend that lay next to him, spent and exhausted, a blink away from surrendering to his senses at the first chance he'd manage to grasp. Josiah wished he wasn't a coward, wished to be able to put his money where his mouth was this time - he wanted nothing more than to have him understand that leaving wasn't this easy, that heartache followed him like a curse of his own.

"Do you ... want to stay?", he suggested, through all the foolishness he possessed in that very moment. "I can ... try and do you job for the night. Maybe it's better if you rest. You are going to come down with a fever otherwise." Certainly, the response to his suggestion wouldn't fare to be favorable, would only cause Louis to make another irrational decision again - Josiah would do away with it, endure like he often did; he would make do. Love persisted, even through the cracks in stone, in brick roads - it was, indeed, like a curse, a burden to bear. When was the first time he'd deluded himself into feeling these things? Too long ago, when he was watching the moon through the rafters of their shared trailer, with those impossibly ugly stars scribbled onto the wooden ceiling, chewing Lou's ear off about something that no longer mattered anymore. "Hm?", he was pulled back into the world of the waking, out of his own thoughts, eyes still on him. "I'm not going anywhere if you don't want me to." Come morning, all of this would be treated like a broken plank, surrendered to one of the pyres outside, used to warm a meal - this interaction would mean nothing to Louis, and Josiah didn't mind, for he was a fool, one without the ability to change. "Your bed will be cramped if I lay down with you." A chuckle, nothing more, before he kicked off his shoes and tossed his jacket to the ground. Why now? Were his heart made of glass, it would have shattered - thankfully, for the two of them, it had broken years ago, meaning the impact merely reverberated through its leftover shards, digging deep into the surrounding flesh. A tug, a pull, mended by a gesture as simple as being wanted. Jo relented, crawled into bed with him - he grabbed Louis hand instead of letting him clammor his wrist. "See? I'm here, you'll be fine."

"I know...", Louis mumbled and usually he did. He was barely hungry even at the best of times, but he ate, because he knew he had to, but Leilas death made everything so much worse. Still, not now, later was still time, he wouldn't die if he waited to eat for a bit longer. Right now he didn't want to go anywhere or be alone. "There is no point...", Louis mumbled. He didn't want to go out, he didn't want to leave his trailer, but as soon as the first guest arrived, he'd have changed and would be more than ready to prance around the circus and lead the show. Everyone could manage on their own for a bit, right? Louis just wanted to rest and he didn't want to talk to anyone either. If Josiah didn't want him to do the show today however, he'd have to tie him up and that didn't sound pleasant either.

Josiah wasn't struggling again Louis as he expected, instead he was happy to get out of his coat it seemed. These trailer beds seemed bigger when they were children, but it was enough room for the both of them, Josiah was thin anyway. Louis dared to look at him for just a moment, but at the same time he felt bad for his decisions right now. The hand that grabbed his felt warm and familiar. Louis wouldn't be fine, he'd never be fine again and he wasn't even being dramatic, but he didn't say it either. Instead he turned to his side and pushed his head against Josiahs chest. And then, as if a floodgate had finally been opened, tears started to flow and he sobbed quietly. This was what he needd five years ago, but never allowed himself to ask for.

When did he not? Josiah would never moke that which he loved, one would say, but he could see that he was hurting even now, be it not the tone of his voice but the certainty of the situation. All of them did, there was no arguing - Leila was one of theirs, another one of them that had to go, too soon, for reasons nobody should blame themselves for, knowing that the world would never stop to make grieving any easier, but move onward in spite of it, to remind everyone that more than one life was lost each day anyway, and sometimes, it had to be this one. "You'll be up and out there anyway, I know ...", he assured the suffering, even when he couldn't alleviate his pain. Josiah was selfish, he'd never not be, to piece back together that which he had once lost, and now, in the nest that neither of them would want to escape from, they found themselves vulnerable to the smallest of things, contained within this wooden prison cell which, maybe at some point, housed laughter, was home to someones happiness. Louis lived here, alone, for an awfully long while - was it always his?

By coaxing that which wanted to stay hidden, he knew that he was inviting another to share their pain, to ask for him to let him share a burden as this one, even when it vexed him to even admit he was hurting, but Jo knew, he always did, somehow, even when Louis pushed him to the furthest reaches of the world, outside of his own grasp. At first he wanted him to leave, now he wanted him to stay forevermore - not alive, that was a given, but within his reach and grasp, for them both to be selfish as was. Foreboding in its entirety, a monumental task stood before him, like a mountain amassed of heavy stone, out to crush any who dared to climb it beneath its components in a fellow swoop, yet, it broke, was torn asunder in a moments notice, unshackled from the rules it had bound itself to in one swift move, and then wrested itself free of in another. Louis cried, and Josiah knew better than to make empty promises or ask why, or how - deep down, he knew, in some brutish, crude way, and he welcomed him, put his other arm around him to hug him, pull him close and stroke his back. Louis was cold, not his demeanor but flesh, and Jo felt as if he could warm him up, somehow, if only he kept him close, even when his tears were just as warm as anyones. "It's okay ..." He was safe here. Right.

Louis felt lost and exhausted. Knowing that he truly couldn't leave this place was a terrible feeling, even though he'd always suspected it and it came with the fear of the ringmaster knowing and wanting to teach Louis another lesson. What if admitting his continued closeness to Josiah would put him into harms way even more? Then again, he wasn't even sure if Leila was targetted specifically, or if she was just at the wrong place during the wrong time, just like Josiah had been. Hell he didn't even know if these things happened because of the ringmaster pulling the strings, or if the endgoal had been Lucas and everything around him just happened as if getting him was a natural law in this space. By refusing to let it happen though, Louis messed with unspoken rules that existed in the circus and someone else had to pay the price. He would never not feel guilty about that, but right now he also shed tears for himself.

Had Louis deserved all this? No. He'd always been good, always did what was asked of him with the purest intentions, but all that got him was becoming a monster stuck in this place and party responisble for all the things that happened here. It was unfair, much like it was unfair for them even ending up here in the first place. Maybe they would have died abandoned and alone as children, but maybe that would have been the better fate. Louis was sick of thinking about all this for today. He couldn't remember ever feeling as exhausted as today and even though he still sobbed for a while, he eventually simply succumbed to sleep he so desperately needed.

To him, Louis was precious - like a gem in the rough, like a pile of gold built into a trailers walls, hidden away from prying eyes that only coveted these things to profit off of them. Perhaps, Josiah wasn't any different from them, but he was jealous and selfish, too, and he wanted nothing more than to have Lou close to him. The chance to taste ambrosia for but a moment - it had to be akin to that - was something he couldn't give up, and yet, even with that man in his arms, he was only looking at a bunch of broken parts that barely were able to keep themselves together, tied into one coherent piece. There were nights where he sat awake, plagued by many thoughts of different kinds, eaten alive by beasts born from his own imagination and torn asunder by his foolishness, but right now, right here, he felt as if nothing could happen, nothing could push him away - nothing would ever be as important as this moment ever again, one which he didn't even deserve to live through as he did. Josiah felt stupid; he had threatened Louis with empty words, had dumped all of his burdens on him and now, as he lay there, he was all the same again.

There was no whispering, no acknowledgement - no words shared, only the soft sobbing of a man that was worn down and that needed this type of rest desperately. Josiah felt horrible to have him denied solace for so long, for not being able to get through to him at any point in time and make him dismantle that shell that surrounded him way earlier. In the end, he was the one that thought he'd suffered, when it was actually Louis, who'd never stop at anything to make him feel seen, loved, or heard - he hated himself for it, but every passing, evened out breath that left the corpus in his arms made him calmer, reminded him that there was no need for such things. Never had there been, not in the miasma of yesterday, nor on this uneven path toward a future neither of them could discern, but it mattered little, in fact, almost nothing. Josiah was, after all, a sucker for this man and the stagnant realization that he, too, was tired beyond compare. Right now, it felt almost impossible anyway. Regardless of it all, still, he stayed where he was - he let himself and Louis indulge in the moment of respite, until Jo dozed off himself. Were it not for the sense of urgency within himself, he wouldn't wake anyway, but he'd promised Louis he'd wake him up once it was time - he knew himself well enough to know he didn't want this to end, but he still gave Lou a soft shake. "Louis, time to get up."

Louis woke up, maybe more tired than before. He didn't plan to fall asleep, but alas it happened anyway and it seemed Josiah stayed with him. He felt bad for hiding away in his trailer and not help out where he could like he usually did. Was the show even going to happen? Did everybody do their part? There was still time, probably, but still. Having a show be a failure would only cause more trouble. Louis sat up, wiping his face a bit to get rid of the dried tears and to wake himself up. "Yeah... thanks. I should go then.", he mumbled, shooting a short glance at Josiah, before carefully crawling over him and out of bed. He needed to wash up quickly, get dressed and then see if everything was ready. He didn't know what else to say to Josiah, so he just left quickly, also because he didn't want to switch in his presence at the moment. It was better to stay away from him for the next few hours. Luckily he was going to be busy anyway.

Lucy had searched for Josiah half the day. She searched in his trailer, around the grounds and asked everyone she met if they saw him, but she didn't have any luck. She was overjoyed when she finally spotted him in the evening with the show about to begin. She ran towards him and wrapped her arms around him. "Jo! I searched for you everywhere! I'm glad you're okay!", she exclaimed, then let go to look at him. "Where were you? I was worried... Mara told me Louis spouted some nonesense about you! I... ah... nevermind, you are okay right?" Josiah and killing himself? There was no way. Lucy wasn't sure why she even believed that, he wouldn't do that, not now especially and she was angry at Louis for making something this outragous up. He probably just wanted someone else to pin Josiah down the whole day.

Jo felt incredibly tired and worn, even now - he was spent and exhausted, and Louis was going to leave because he had to. One way or the other, Josiah didn't quite want that to happen, but he knew well enough that there was no use in fighting with him over something like that; he looked worse for wear himself, would probably appreciate a day of rest, and Jo would give him that if he could, yet, he didn't have the ability to. Who knew if fighting those inner demons of his wouldn't be even more exhausting, in case he locked him in here for a night - it had to be taxing, in away, to have that sense of duty foisted upon him. "I ... take care.", he mumbled as Louis left, and he himself ought to get up, too. Instead, he was laying there, half-considering simply turning over and sinking back into the pillows, lest he'd figure out that there was other things he had to take care of for tonight, even when he didn't perform. For a moment, just then and there, he thought himself pathetic, too much trouble to deal with, and then, afterward, he found that he himself was nothing more than a sorry excuse for his own inabilities.

Josiah had wrested himself free of that thought at some point thereafter, gotten up when the bed felt like it was already getting cold and made it in his own image, so Louis would have a comfortable place to return to later. Staying here and sniffling into the blanket, drying his tears with this mans pillow wouldn't help anyone - he got dressed, then left and took a deep breath. What was he to do, still? Food. Right. He could use some, and then he should look after Conny, after the kids, after Lucy ... after ... he should talk to Alice. Sometime. Not tonight. Or maybe tonight? No. If she was anything like him, he didn't want to deal with her whims either. Therefore, he wandered about for a bit, washing his face as best he could while knitting his brows and going through scenarios in that head of his. For now, he simply had to show Louis that he meant it - that he could stay by him. But to do that, he had to- huh? Confused, almost taken aback, he cramped up and looked at Lucy, then wrapped his arms around her all the same and sighed in relief. "Sorry, I got busy. I'm fine." Should he tell her? Best not. There was something that didn't need to be shared. "Hm? Mara told you what about me and Louis?", he asked, some sort of laughter half-stuck in his throat. "I'm fine, don't worry! I was just helping out with something. How about you? Everything alright? How are the kids?" Right. There was a world outside of his own desires, too.

"I... That's fine, I'm sorry. I... hate people vanishing...", Lucy answered. Everyone just vanished, he didn't want to lose anyone else. The idea that Josiah could leave her as well was scary enough, no matter if it was all a lie. She fought back some tears, there was no time for this now, not so close before the show started and Josiah... "Are you performing tonight?", she asked him. The schedule has not been decided as it seemed because as much as Josiah had vanished for the day, so did Louis. Something was going on here, but it seemed like Josiah had no intention of telling Lucy what exactly was going on, as if she was a child herself just because she spent so much time with them. She looked at her friend, sighed and shook her head. "Hey... mind if I come by again tonight? I... " She was too pushy wasn't she? But right now, she didn't want to be alone. Conny was... well, Lucy needed some comfort of her own, there weren't many of them left. Mara and James acted like nothing much had happened, all happy and focused on work, Louis was an asshole, there was only Josiah left really, but even then Jo might have snuck away with Louis the whole day. Louis of all people... Maybe she should tell Jo about his lies... but not now, if anyhow, she wasn't as petty usually.

Louis practically fled from Josiah, he was afraid of that thing inside of him and he wanted to be far away, far away from everyone actually. He didn't usually fight it, it just happened, but tonight he didn't want it and he felt more disconnected to... that than ever before. There had been a time when he thought he was the monster and when his personality switched he was himself again, the young boy that worked so diligently for the circus. Naively too, but with only good intentions. Now however, that Louis seemed to have vanished and in his stead there was something not lying, not even feeling much different, but... any compassion, any human emotion seemed to be gone. He didn't lie to Josiah and that was even more scary. What he told him last night was what he thought deep down, somehow in a very twisted way. Louis was scared, he didn't want to be around anyone, but there was no way he could sit out a show, or to stop himself from doing whatever he felt like in the moment. He could only stay away from people he cared about, but even that thought would vanish eventually...

Was he performing tonight? It was a question that put him in Lucy's crosshairs, so much so that he had completely ignored everything else that she had mustered the courage for in that short, blinking moment that they had breathed in one anothers direction. Josiah was disturbed - he was the worst, he knew that, he made Louis suffer on his behalf, and he put him through much more than he should, and yet, he was only met with kindness in any instances, from both him and Lucy right now. Why did everyone care so much about him? "I'll say something next time.", he suddenly decided between raspy breaths, even when he knew that she was done with giving Lou the benefit of the doubt. Was he going to be alright, like this? "I don't think. I should." If he caused anyone any more trouble with his behavior, none of them would benefit from that; there'd be more bodies hitting the floor like a sack full of sand, turned into a pile of whimpering mush by the impact. As the thought crossed his mind in a silver tongue, imparted upon him by an invisible devil, he shuddered and pressed Lucy a bit closer. "Huh?" She snapped him out of it pretty quickly. Confusion filled his expression, only to be tossed aside like a pebble as his brain seemed to understand the question, finally, slower on the uptake than usual. "I ... would like that. If it's alright with you. We can also just sleep in the kids' trailer if you'd prefer to be with them." Keep them safe, out of harms way - out of the ringmasters, and likewise Louis', way.

There was so much that occupied his brain in that very instance, he could hardly think of it; he wished that he could force himself to just swallow it all down, which would never work, not in a million years. Jo ran his hands over Lucy's back, then her arms, made sure she was whole, real - in one piece, just to be sure that nothing out of the ordinary was happening; fearing, she, too, was going to be nothing more than an effigy in his dreams one day. "We ... we should look after Conny, too.", he suddenly suggested, knowing it would most likely not be appropriate to bring it up in the first place. What Conny needed was rest and someone stable enough to support her, which none of them truly were. What a shame. This side of the circus, all of them were feeling some of the effects that the passing days had imparted upon them, and yet, on the other side, there were enough charlatans that would keep the illusory flame of a functioning world alive. Roy wasn't beyond getting his hands dirty, and tonight, when there was no reason for him to stalk around the tent already, he had set his sights on Louis with a grin on his visage and a knife in his hand - not to hurt him, of course, it was simply a leftover from the earlier practice. "Not doin' so hot, aye?", he questioned Louis after observing his misery from a bit further away - the shadows him and his friends called home. He had seen his fair share of issues with what the man was experiencing, and while he couldn't offer him anything to alleviate his pains, he could at least be snarky about it. "Need a helpin' hand, lil' guy?"

Lucy was happy she'd be able to come by Jos tent after the show, but she also realized he expected something else than she did. "I've been jumping between them and Conny the whole day... I... I'd like some time alone. I mean alone with you. James will look after the kids and Mara stays with Conny." Lucy wasn't ss selfish as to ignore everyone else's problems, she took care of everything and Jo needed some time alone and in peace too." Are you still hurt? I could ask for some ointment from Mary, maybe it helps. ", she suggested, but maybe she shouldn't talk about it now. Jo wanted to perform, but he couldn't and it ate away on him. "Mara said you can help her today if you want, she's always busy with selling food and Arthur is there again too until Louis found a place for him." Something to do, they all needed something to do, especially Jo. There was plenty of work around here all the time, maybe it wasn't in tje show but it was still important. Lucy looked around a bit, she hadn't seen Louis, usually he was already here and made sure everyone was ready, but he was missing still. Mad or not, this was unlike him and Lucy was a bit worried.

Louis looked up when he heard a familiar voice. Roy was probably the last person he wanted to see right now. Louis forced himself up and looked at him. "Have you been human once?", he asked unprompted. With these people at least he could say what he wanted, there was no secrets, they knew about the ringmaster and their own nature. Louis wasn't like them, only partly. Did everyone start out like him, or were they born in hell and allowed to be here? Since Louis almost died, he brought peoole to the ringmaster, but besides him nobody ever left again. Leila had beeb important for the circus and he let her die... Not that Louis wished his fate on anybody else. "Can you leave this place?", he asked further. He never tried before today and now he felt even more trapped. Josiah could have left, he should have left together with the others. Even though he now must have realized something was off, he'd never leave without Louis. Maybe there was a way however...

Jo wasn’t sure what it was that he wanted to do for the day - on one hand, he was hellbent on performing and couldn’t in good conscience shirk the responsibility any longer, on the other, in everyone else’s eyes, it seemed to be more than obvious that they wanted him to rest and not stress out about recovering so soon, given the nature of his incident and the fact that, if he overdid it, they’d have to fill his spot for much longer than they were anticipating. “I’m sorry for saddling you with that, I … was busy.”, Jo explained his absence away - he had been, not terribly so, but occupied with other matters entirely, and then, he’d needed a nap. “How’s Conny? No better, I take it?” Not if someone still had to look after her. “How are you?” Lucy was distraught too, they all were, and while Jo knew that they couldn’t be forever, this was still fresh, barely bandaged, and the metaphorical wound that symbolized their loss was barely crusted over, the scab hardly forming to begin with. “Hurt? I … sort of. But don’t worry about that, you should rest to. I can deal with this, it isn’t the worst I ever had.” Let alone the last time he’d be aching in similar ways to this - sure, he’d always been a bit clumsy, maybe ever so slightly unlucky, but it had never been bad enough to have an entire trailer fall atop of him. Thinking about it now didn’t help, still; Jo looked at Lucy and listened to her, willingly so - without mouthing off of her, either. “You’d prefer if I rested, don’t you?” No helping hands on anything? Was he really going to be able to do that? He doubted it, but he could try. “Anyway, I’ll leave my door unlocked, then?”, he offered, none the wiser.

Circling around Louis in slowing motions, with heavy steps to offset his joyous grin and ideas upon ideas spiraling through the back of his head, Roy found himself to be amused by the little puppet that stalked about; he sat there, looked all gloomy and then, when somebody actually questioned him on anything, he’d start biting, or try to keep his well-known secrets to himself. Roy liked camaraderie, but he knew it to be a farce - he’d never trust any of his own, let alone a resilient and defiant creature like this one. “Yer starting out heavy with ya questions today, t’s almost unexpected.”, he snorted at Louis, pulling one of the small, wooden stools out from below the first table he could find, to settle himself across of Louis. “Does it matter? Perchance I’ve been, mayhaps I haven’t - I shan’t say, not that ya don’t know ‘bout why either way.” Roy snorted even still, then smiled slightly. “Were I to be one of those, tho, I’d not pick a name as lame as Roy, ya know. Who’d pick something so stupid?” Did that mean he’d always been human, though? Or did that simply mean Roy was good at playing games? Who knew. What dawned upon him was the mere realization that Louis was dead serious when he uttered his next question - his wooden chair almost clattered and hit the floor as he took it into account, before breaking out into a hysterical fit or laughter, one that prompted him to rock back and forth. “Can’t you?”