eat your young (earinor & marquis)

If not for Josiah they probably would have left one of the children behind at some point. Someone who walked off and then didn't find the way back to the others, but Josiah took good care of them. They were all like his brothers and sisters in a way and whenever one of them had to leave he lost someone truly dear to him. Like Lucas, who miracolously could stay for now, it had been too easy to ask. After Josiah reiterated that he had everything under control, Louis would have left any other day, but today he stayed. Of course Josiah noticed that something was up and Louis looked at him with wide eyes, before he clicked his tung and crossed his arms. "Of course I'm alright.", he gave back and just for the sake of not making Josiah more suspicious, he walked away a bit and left him to what he needed to do. He gathered all the children, told them the rules and the whys and whats or their journey and at least for Arthur all of that was new.

Once that was done he gathered them all around to walk to the trailers that were ready to go. Even their entrance gate was gone already, so the space looked like any other muddy plain. Everyone else was here too, the older ones like Leila and Cornelia and of course the grown ups as well, not that Louis, Josiah, Leila and Cornilia weren't adults either, but they had a habit of calling the others that, simply because they'd already been grown ups when they were still children themselves. Some of the kids crawled into the trailer, some sat down at the back or front of others and the rest would have to walk. It was a bit chaotic and Louis kept and eye on Josiah. Just as two children hopped on the back of another trailer, there was a cracking noise probably no one could hear over the current chaos. The two children yelped however as the trailer leaned sideways and jumped right off again, while Louis could also see it tilt to the side and right next to it stood Josiah who ruffled through Lucas hair at the moment. "Jo!", Louis yelled to alert him of the falling trailer, while already rushing over. Some others got alerted too and made their way over to help.

Collecting all of them and keeping track of them often seemed like he was looking for needles in a haystack - or perhaps even the other way around. Kids, especially these kids, often lacked some sort of discipline or respect and Josiah, well, wasn't he a sight for sore eyes? All of these little guys trusted him more than all of the other adults and, if he had to, he'd not even count himself as one of said adults. Why, even? They were older than him and he'd known them for a while longer, yet, most of them weren't much fun to be around. Louis was shaping up to be just like them; no fun allowed, devoid of whimsy and joy and entrapped in the world of no shimmer or shine. Who would want that? For every day to be as bleak as this one, at every waking moment, Jo had no use. "You're acting ... like something's up.", he informed his old friend with a raised eyebrow. Something was amiss and he, for one, didn't enjoy that thought at all. What, if anything, could be plaguing Louis like that? Did he have a right to know? Josiah asked too many questions, that much was for sure - perhaps it was simply time to let bygones be bygones and enjoy what little time he had left for himself, alongside someone that had outclassed him years ago. Now, he was being bitter, wasn't he?

Whatever that was, he didn't know. All that was for certain was the undeniable fact that Louis knew more than him, yet again; too much. How much longer would this charade of not being able to tell him anything keep up? First, he had to discern what really was wrong, but whatever. Not right now - he had to appease a carefree mob of tiny, moody people that didn't care about the why's or when's of his friendship, only when it was that they could have more fun again. Every single time that they moved from one spot to the other, he suddenly became a shepherd and started wrangling some of these guys on his own. Often that was because they were crawling onto trailers, or even trailer roofs, without a clear concept of what it was that they'd gain from specifically that; they'd only injure themselves, plenty of them had before and conditions like these, were everything was slippery, only made it all worse for them. Surely, he hated to be the bearer of bad news, but even then ... none of this was explicitly necessary. Then, he lost himself in some menial task of telling Lucas something he'd asked about, yet, before he could send the little guy on his way - or put him on the trailer with the others - he heard his name being yelled. What of it? His eyes widened in the instant he looked over. Instinctively, he pushed Lucas out of the way almost immediately, but it wasn't exactly enough for himself. The trailer, mostly made of wood, tumbled upon him and Jo hit the floor like a sack of rice would. Ow. That hurt. His heart was trying to explode in his chest the very moment, the adrenaline rushed through his veins. Surely, he expected to feel flattened, or worse, to have hit his head against a stone, but remarkably, he was somewhat fine. The trailer had partially splintered upon impact - of course it had, their equipment was rather grody - his entire body hurt all over, but frankly, he'd be fine. One glance over at Lucas did reveal he was fine, too - just crying. Jo sighed in relief. "What was that for?", he groaned, mostly directed at Louis, as if he'd been the culprit behind this and that'sd why he acted so weirdly. "What was what for?", one of the others asked, that had clearly come over to assess the damage. "Forget it, it's fine." Josiah tried squirming out from underneath the trailer next - it wasn't hurting yet, and it was only his legs that were trapped, but it would hurt like hell if he didn't get out soon. Well, no dice. "I could use some help."

Louis dashed forward as fast as he could, being the first who arrived at the trailer and without even thinking about it, he pressed his back against it to hold it up, or at least to not let it fall on Josiah completely. He didn't really understand Josiahs question and just looked at him puzzled. In the next moment some others arrived. Together they pushed against the trailer to free Josiah while two more pulled him out, through the mud to savety. "Someone bring something to put under the broken wheel.", Louis told the rest and Leila, who had been busy pulling Josiah out, now ran off to come back with some planks. The others tried to push the trailer back up and eventually Leila was able to stack the wood beneath it. Carefully they dropped it on the wood and together stepped back. This was not good, this trailer was either lost, but that would mean they'd have to put all the stuff inside into the others, or someone had to stay behind to repair it and then hurry after the rest.

For now that wasn't important though, Louis rushed over to Josiah. But he was already swarmed by others asking him if he was alright, cleaning some of the dirt off and checking if he was hurt. Louis stopped a few meters away and watched all those people who cared about Josiah. He wasn't needed here, clearly, so he turned around to the trailer, inspecting the true damage that was done. He should have checked the wheels. Was this his fault? When Josiah had a moment, Louis should ask him to give that book back. The trailer was heavily damaged, even now when it was upright, it almost ripped in two, but they were usually ixing everything they could. This was at least a days work however, if they had a spare wheel to begin with. He'd offer to do it himself, but he didn't want to let Josiah out of his sight.

They all looked at him like they were vultures, out for a quick meal on the expense of someone else - was he the carcass they coveted, or rather one of their chicks that had become entangled in a web of a preys intestines and they were, mercilessly, trying to pick him free from his predicament? Josiah looked up at them and felt faint, even as Louis pulled him out. Something was amiss, even as the adrenaline strung his body along, the vultures around him circled in and forced him into their midst. Initially, he wanted to duck, felt as if they were going to lean in to lop his head clean off - but that sort of paranoia, it faded as gentle touches and concerned voices reached his ear. What was he thinking? "Are you alright?" "Does it hurt?" "Come here." Like a flock of concerned parents, they'd swarmed him, padded him down - all the while he stood there, dumbfounded and confused about what his own mind had just made up. Was he shocked by that trailer falling onto him? These things fell over every other day they moved - they were old and not well-serviced for the most part, of course they'd break under their own weight eventually.

"Josiah? Are you alright?" "Hello, earth to Jo?" Their voices resounded in his head. Jo shook it, confused, and looked back at them. "I, uh. I'm fine. It's nothing.", he blurted out. There was some sort of disagreement, but he couldn't figure out just what it was. All of them sounded far off, so he shook his head as the warped reality of the situation slowly dawned upon him, with every passing second. Someone put a heavy arm on his shoulder, Josiah looked up, but was unable to discern who it was initially. His head hurt, as if he were trying to wrap his mind around some sort of unbelievable fact. In the end, maybe it would explode clean off. "You look pale." "I'm alright.", he murmured. This wasn't great, was it now? Something was clearly off, amiss even, and every second he spent trying to figure out why, he failed miserably. Surely enough, he tore himself away from the crowd with uneasy steps. "I think the trailer needs more attention than m-" "I don't think so. You know, we can replace a trailer somehow, but you? That's gonna take some work." Nonsense. They could just use Arthur, or someone else. They had replaced people plenty of times. "Yeah, you're being stubborn, come here, let's see." "I'm fine! I feel fine! I can stick this out, there's other stuff to do!", he groaned in defeat. Alright then. These guys would never let up, would they now? "If you aren't taking care of the trailer, I will!" A huff was enough - Josiah walked away from the crowd, back to the kids, but they were no better - yet, Josiah couldn't be too mad at them, even if he had to deviate from them for a bit, too. This was too much. "I'll stay here and fix this thing if you need me to?", he eventually offered Louis with a raised brow.

There were plenty of people caring for Josiah, but only one person looking at the trailer at the moment. They couldn't leave it and all that was inside was too much to just move it over to the other trailers. Eventually, they'd have to make it lighter to fix it though. This was a disaster and the ringmaster wouldn't be happy about this. Come to think of it, what did he think or say when the fire broke out? Louis didn't see the aftermath, he spent his time recovering alone and he was absolutely not allowed to go outside or see anyone. It must have been a lot of damage, but Louis never thought about it until now. He was pulled from his own thoughts when Josiah appeared next to him. "What? No! You should rest, best in our trailer.", Louis told him sternly. They didn't have a doctor in their midst, no one that would be able to decern if Josiah was truly alright. When someone got hurt they mostly figured something out, but usually it was a broken bone, nothing more. Even Louis never saw a doctor, only the ringmaster. They were expensive after all.

Louis looked at Josiah, trying to figure out if he was okay. He wasn't bleeding as it seemed, but he was dirty. His clothes were full of mud, his hands too. "You should wash up, then check if you are truly okay and then you should lie down. You look pale..." He was absolutely not in the position to stay behind and fix this thing. Louis didn't want to either, he didn't want to leave Josiah alone. Maybe it was better they both stayed behind? It would give Josiah more time to rest. Before Louis could come up with any plan though, the door to the ringmasters trailer opened. He rarely came outside, but now he did, looking at the state of this place and probably the fact that they weren't moving yet. As he came closer a few people ran up to him, reporting what happened with the trailer and Josiah and in the end he stopped right in front of Louis and Josiah. There was a time when Louis was incredibly scared of this... man? But strangely enough, with the years passing he wasn't anymore, although he should have been. There was a logical thought that made Louis aware of the threat this man could pose, but the feeling in his stomach was gone. Normally Louis would have immediately offered up to repair this thing, but this time he stayed quiet and the tall man put his hand on his shoulder. "Not you, someone else can fix it. You'll stay with us.", he told him as if Louis had offered his help anyway. Then the ringmaster looked at Josiah, from head to toe. Eventually he simply turned to the others again. "Betty, Andrew, you'll stay behind and fix this trailer. The rest... get moving. We are already late.", he announced.

Was he not truly fine? Josiah felt alright, in fact, he probably would have felt better if the trailer hadn't crushed him like that, but the rain-soaked mud had been forgiving enough, it seemed. The others cared, which often had to be a sight for sore eyes for some of them, given the sometimes hostile nature that their home exhibited, but right now? It seemed as if he found himself on a stage, with all the lights illuminating only him, as the audience watched in awe of what the contortionist was truly capable of. This was his one-man-show, and Josiah had ruined it the moment he'd looked at Louis too long. "Our trailer?", he questioned with a snort. That hadn't been their trailer in years, but if it meant to be just the slightest bit closer to this man, he'd take it. This was all that it was worth after all - another sink for his affection, another hole to patch, like wedging a wrong piece into a puzzle. At this point, he had to look like a fanatic. "Will you nurse me back to health, then?", he snickered. Did he even need it? Josiah wasn't sure. Frankly, it was something that he didn't require, or even enjoy - he was capable of caring for himself, in many ways; and yet, to have someone like Louis by his side again was a child-like dream, yearning to be fulfilled.

"Pale?", Jo soon retorted. This was ... unlike him, often enough. His complexion was always pale, but for someone to point out that he was, in fact, pale, why, that meant something. Was he, truly? "It'll subside, don't worry too much about this." Why was he stressing himself so much about this? Besides, the mud was fine - it would be easier to get rid off once it was dry, but to appease Louis, he at least dusted himself off somewhat, then yawned. Actually, his legs really did hurt already, but he wasn't going to pretend he couldn't pull his weight today, that was entirely and utterly silly. Before he could retort, though, they got a visit from someone Josiah hadn't longed to see, for one reason or the other. The ringmaster stepped into the fray, gave most of them a quick glance and to him, it felt as if there was something that he would never understand, just by looking at Louis and the ringmasters interaction. A rare sigh escaped him - he felt deflated, almost dispirited. There was no chance to interject himself, and just like that, the roles had been sorted out and Josiah grunted. Was he to say something to Louis? Maybe he could, perchance it wasn't necessary any longer. There were few things he could do after all - so he trudged on instead. "You heard him, lets get moving, Lou.", he murmured as he elbowed his friend. He caught up to the kids in no time, who fussed over him even more - Josiah immediately fished Lucas out of their midst and held him up high. "I'm fine, no need to cry!", he tried to spur the little one on. Accidents happened, all the time.

"This is not funny, you could have gotten seriously hurt...", Louis retorted. Josiah had no care in the world as always and he didn't listen to Louis either - as always too. Once the ringmaster gave order to leave and went back to his trailer at the helm, Josiah already wandered off towards the children, instead of getting into one of the trailers to rest. Louis couldn't do anything, so he just helped where he was needed and left Josiah alone. He did keep an eye on him however, just in case. The journey was rather harsh as always, they had to pull and push a trailer out of the mud more than once. Josiah at least stayed with the children and didn't help with the hard labor, which nobody wanted him to do anyway, not today. The children were careless as ever as well, Louis grabbed Lucas off the ground when he fell, shortly before he was trampled by one of the horses. Some other minor incidents with the other children happened as well, but in the end they stopped when it got dark.

Everyone was dirty and exhausted and they didn't even reach their destination. The trailers were set up in multiple circles and in the middle was room for a fire to cook at. Nothing more but some stew today made with leftovers. The grown ups were all muddy from trying to get the trailers out of the mud and the children were too, because they fell, sometimes because their little ill-fitting shoes got stuck in the mud and they fell over. They never had warm water for a bath, but usually they at least set up a place that was a little more sheltered. Four walls that kept the wind and others gazes out, but not while they were traveling, there was no time. There was a stream nearby, but that was all. Louis rarely cooked, he wasn't very good at it, mostly because everything tasted the same to him anyway. So while most were waiting for food or warmed up around the fire, Louis wandered off a bit to get away from the noise. He didn't go far, he could still hear everyone chat and giggle. It was then when he was approached by Alice, behind the trailers away from prying eyes. usually Louis would have just listened, or ignored her, but today was different and he shoved her once she got close. "Was that you? With the trailer?", Louis asked, keeping his voice down. "What? How would I have done that?", she answered, seemingly surprised by Louis break of character. "I don't know. First some cryptic warnings and then that?", Louis hissed at her. "It wasn't me. Dear Louis... you have so much to learn..." Her voice turned flirtatious again, as always, but to Louis it was more mocking than anything else. She brushed his cheek, which made him grab her wrist. "Stop that." "Oh? That's new honey... are you finally turning into a man...?" She came even closer, unbothered by the strong grip Louis had on her. In fact he was surprised to see her coming closer instead of pulling away and so he stepped back, only for her to follow. "Just tell me what you know.", Louis grumbled, letting go, mostly because his plan backfired and he was the one feeling cornered now. Alice took this opportunity to come even closer. "No... besides, someone's looking for you.", she whispered unnecessarily lustful, then she looked over to the person that stood there, looking at them. She pulled away next, prancing off in the opposite direction. Louis looked after her, then back to... Josiah? Louis approached him. "Did you need something...?"

Whatever. Louis often acted as if he knew everything, even way back when, and Josiah had to admit that it sometimes, when they were younger, had pissed him off tremendously. It happened, it didn't matter too much - in the end, it was fine, no matter what, but right now, he didn't want to hear it. Actually, he'd prefer it if Louis kept these remarks to himself, and yet, he'd never tell him that, for he feared that it would create a rift, deeper than the one already in place. Let the other guy care for him, he thought. It wouldn't hurt, he assured himself by now. What was it, if not a form of self-love to be cared for by others, to feel himself so enthralled by a shadow of something less tangible than it ever had been? Josiah wished, no, he craved the attention he'd been void of for so long and now that it was within such tangible reach, he wanted nothing more than to embrace it with every fault that it came with, to finally feel a little bit more whole again. Did it matter if it was for all the wrong reasons? Josiah didn't know, but oh, how he wanted to. Still, there was plenty that served as a distraction instead, which was welcome too.

With all the buzz over, they eventually got moving - finally - and didn't make it - as expected - to their chosen location. Josiah wasn't mad, merely bummed out in a way, but who cared? Tomorrow would be another day like this one, then, and the off-schedule was nothing they weren't used to. Helping the kids wash up was the easier task here, especially after they all had had dinner. For tonight, he figured he'd banish them to the trailer as soon as possible and then rest up himself. Perhaps it would be easier if he didn't have to help them, right here or now, but Louis was nowhere to be found and asking anyone else felt almost wrong. Could they handle themselves? Partially, but that would warrant a fight to break out sooner than later, simply because they older ones would terrorize the younger ones and their reign would be shortlived, especially if they actually asked an adult for a helping hand. Sometimes, none of this proved easy. Thankfully, somebody else had offered their help as they saw his quizzical look and the stress - or paleness - of his face. Perhaps Louis had been right; he wasn't feeling to great, in fact, his entire body ached by now and if he was any less inclined to the truth, he'd believe it to be regular sores - this wasn't that, though. "Anyone seen Louis?", he asked a bunch of the others that were still eating, but none of them had an answer for him - instead, he was left to roam their encampment in earnest. Where could he have gone off to? It was sheer luck he spotted him and someone else - was that Alice? - heading in one direction. What were they up to? Somewhat befuddled, he trailed behind them, keeping his distance. None of the words they spoke reached his ears, but he saw enough of what was occuring between them to feel like he was intruding. The heart in his chest beat ever higher and, maybe, the quick glancing at two would-be lovers was too much, as warmth craddled his very face. Intrigued, he felt almost bad about having them break up, and Alice prance away into the darkness that the night created in crevices like these. "I ... uh ... well.", Josiah sighed. "It's nothing ... did I interrupt? I didn't mean to. I didn't know you ..." What? Louis gave a damn about someone else? "Well, whatever. I wanted to ask if you can help me wrangle the kids?"

At the very least nothing happened to Josiah while Louis was gone for a moment. maybe it would have been easier to steal that book back, just in case, if Josiah was busy with the children. He didn't seem like he wanted to do that today though. "No, it's fine...", Louis grumbled with a deep sigh, not because he was mad at Josiah, but at Alice and the whole situation. He was unable to do anything about it, as always, people like Alice played with him, not needing to hide anymore and Louis didn't know what made them have so much fun with him. Either way, Josiah didn't have to deal with any of this and Louis couldn't talk about it either. He didn't want to, after all, he wanted Josiah to remain oblivious and content with what he had. It was better that way as long as Louis could protect him. "The kids...?", he asked. If Josiah asked him for help it mostly meant that he just wanted to include Louis, but tonight it felt like he couldn't handle them himself.

Maybe Josiah was tired and it made sense too. He didn't rest in his trailer like Louis asked him to. "Sure.", he mumbled and walked past Josiah to find the kids that better went to bed. Most of them must have been tired from the journey already anyway. As usual when he arrived the laughter got silent and whispers ran through the air instead. He wasn't sure what it was that made them scared of him, maybe just rumors they spread amongst themselves, or his looks when he didn't have makeup on. The kids that visited the circus loved him, but he was also a different person then. Louis crossed his arms and looked at the bunch. "Finish cleaning youself up and then go to bed. We have a long way ahead of us still.", he told them in an authoritarian voice. One of them raised his hand. "Will we get a goodnight story?" This question was definetly not for Louis but probably for Josiah. "No, he has to rest too.", Louis simply decided. Lily stepped forward and volunteered instead. The children cheered, some of them at least. Louis interrupted them. "Well, get on with it then."

Today wasn't easy, not on any of them, and Josiah appreciated the help, even tough he felt as if he'd just walked into something he'd rather not even have entertained in the first place. There was more fun to be had elsewhere, better people to spend the night with than him and a bunch of rowdy kids, and yet, Louis entertained him anyway. Why would he not? Right now, at this very point in time, he seemed ever so eager to please Josiah, to spend more time with him, to make him realize that, why yes, he never stopped giving a damn about him. In a way, it was almost endearing, and at the same time, it felt unnerving. "The kids.", he reiterated himself. At this point in time, he figured that he was as inadequate as he always was - there was nobody asking him for help, not when he directed a marching band of children, simply because he wasn't well-suited for anything but entertaining those who were no help either. It was ... not great. Today, moreso than ever, he felt as if he'd been run over by a trailer, more figuratively than literally, but the added pain didn't help - his body was grasping at straws for the night.

As Louis relented, Josiah felt as if he was going to explode - this was help enough to actually tide this all over with, which was nice, too. In the end, it helped, in some way, for a few more reasons than just one. There was nothing fun about having to force himself to do something, so having someone round it up and out for him was tremendous. Freed of the stone weighing him down, he hid behind Louis - or maybe stood just the slightest bit behind him - and realized the problem solved itself. These kids being scared of him was ... not terrible, in fact, it was almost useful to him to have it some way like this. "Sorry ...", he mostly mouthed, after he had to deny the bedtime story too, and Lily, why, she volunteered too. "Yes yes...", someone threw at Louis' head and they were quite quick in their endeavors. Once they had washed up, actually, they were rank-and-file with going back to their trailer - Lily closed the door behind them while giving him and Louis a wave. With that, they were gone in an instant, the blink of an eye, closed off in their own world, and that was that. Josiah, ever the tired one, leaned his head against Louis' back instead. "What are you up to now?", he wanted to know. "I should probably go to bed, too ... but I don't feel like it." Something was clammoring at him.

Well, this had been rather easy, but Josiahs way of dealing with the children was probably better. Maybe they needed both, a nice friend and a scary monster. Either way, the children did what Louis asked of them and Lily could handle them just fine. After a long day like today, most of them would fall asleep before the end of the first page anyway. As Louis stood there, once the trailer door closed, he suddenly felt a weight against his back. Josiah was leaning on to him. "You should. Why haven't you rested in your trailer from the get go?", Louis asked a bit harshly, mostly because he was worried. Louis didn't feel like sleeping, he never did, but he also didn't feel like having company. Then again, it was probably better to have an eye on Josiah for now, for multiple reasons. One, maybe he was still in danger and two he'd been hurt and let nobody check him through properly. Who knew if he was truly alright in the first place? Louis already knew he wouldn't find any sleep at all tonight.

For now he turned around, making sure Josiah wouldn't just fall over once he moved. "I wanted to wash up down by the stream." They didn't have a lot of spare clothes, especially not for the children, but Louis had enough pieces of clothing he didn't need to share with anyone. He wanted to wash what he got incredibly dirty today and he'd hang it outside of his own trailer. Tomorrows clothes would get dirty too, but he'd just feel better. He was sweaty and muddy himself and he didn't want to go to sleep like this, nor did he want to share the space when everyone else got cleaned before. Well not everybody, mostly the children, most of the older ones probably sought out a bit of private time. Right now everyone seemed to be in camp though, so nobody would disturb for a bit. "Leaving the children to somebody else isn't like you at all. Are you sure you are okay?"

Josiah didn't know if this was fine, or if he was fine from the get-go, he just knew he was spent and that maybe, all the ache that coursed through his body was simply expressing itself because he'd moved so much today. Well, that would probably be the case for any normal person anyway, but for him? He had to admit that it was so unlike him, it almost hurt. "I didn't feel like it, at all. I mean, I still feel fine ... I'm just exhausted from all the moving and the endless toil against the mud, you know?", he chuckled, in his usual sing-song voice. For the lack of a better word, he was an idiot, hellbent on making others happy rather than himself. Right now, he was moreso interested in all the things that weren't important at all. Like a blip, on a summer night, in the ink-black sky, among millions of stars, shining brightly by themselves, just like they did in that tend, on that stage. On days like these, however, none of that mattered, or was relevant to begin with - after all, they had themselves, without all the paint and the fake smiles. Louis, why, he felt so real and tangible in this moment, and yet so far away.

"I don't want to keep you from that.", Jo murmured, knowing that he - too - wouldn't say no to a quick wash, a change of clothes, a story from Louis own mouth, but he feared that, even if he went down there, there was nothing of the sort for him to gain. There wouldn't be anything, and frankly, perhaps that was alright, too. Why did everything need to be transactional anyway? "Would you mind if I came with you?", he asked in earnest, finally, after what felt like too long, too much. Perchance it was all in his head, perhaps he was simply grasping at straws. One way or the other, Josiah couldn't and wouldn't help himself if he just mucked his own thoughts up with the ever-same assumptions. For now, Louis saved as his reminder of how the reality around him truly was, and Josiah, who was beckoned away from his back, looked at him with the same eyes he'd always used to get what he wanted. His face was probably adorned with splotches of dirt, and his eyes felt unnecessarily dry. "I'm fine.", he mumbled. "Just exhausted. You know how they can be, the lot of them.", Jo lamented eventually. Surely, it was unlike him. "Stopy worrying, Louis. I'm fine, just tired."

"You should take better care of yourself.", Louis grumbled. Even now Josiah was unreasonable. Louis couldn't force him to lay down, but he didn't hide the fact the he didn't condone the decisions Josiah made today either. Louis wasn't even sure if this had been an accident or not. For all that was worth, nothing happened to Josiah since then, but that didn't mean it couldn't happen again. Louis would have probably been less paranoid if not for Alices words, but maybe she just toyed with him and found it funny to plant stupid thoughts in Louis head. It wouldn't be unlike her. Going on the offense didn't help Louis either. He wondered why the ringmaster didn't want him to stay behind however, then again, Louis hadn't been outside of their little enclosure since the fire. He wasn't even sure if he could, but he also didn't want to. He didn't belong out there, not at all. He could not leave this place for good, even if he wanted to, somehow he was a part of this place.

There was a weird silence between him and Josiah. Louis wasn't sure if he should just leave and Josiah just stared at him until he finally opened his mouth. "No.", Louis answered. He didn't mind, in fact he rather kept an eye on Josiah if he didn't want to sleep anyway and maybe he could give him a better look over down by the stream, besides the darkness. Louis took this question as a sign to get moving. The stream was close, one could see their camp from there, but it was so dark that nobody could see them. "I know, but that usually doesn't bother you.", Louis replied on the way. It bothered him, he couldn't deal with all the noise around him anymore, sometimes it was too much and he just wanted to be alone, but Josiah loved the children as if he was their big brother. One that had an endless amount of energy and patience. Before they went down to the stream Louis stopped at his own trailer to grab some fresh clothes and a towel. He grabbed one for Josiah as well, also some clothes. He handed all of it to him, closed the door and then walked on without saying much.

"I know. But taking care of only myself is selfish, and a hindrance.", he elaborated. Josiah had always been like this, less about himself and more about the others, the people that made this giant patchwork family work in the first place. All he could - wanted, and would - do, was help having it prosper, even when he was aware that there were plenty of boulders in their uneven path; some people just stopped meshing with one another, other people simply gave it all too much thought. "Don't worry too much about me, you're going to get wrinkles." That wasn't even untrue. He could see it in Louis' face, the worry that wouldn't fade, the deep crevices it left in parts of his skin. The more he looked at Louis, the more he felt as if he'd been worked to the bone, unlike him, so very unlike him in fact. Lifting those burdens of his shoudlers wasn't something he could easily do; he'd never been as great as his friend, never been as good at the harder parts of life as him, and now, he was kind of regretting every moment he spent like that, with every second of his life carved into some sort of stone, which was but barely legible to him.

With a short nod he followed suit as they moved - there was an endless amount of time that they could spend glued to one another, so many seconds glued to each others hip, yet, all that amounted to was something akin of the lines of selfishness again. As they trudged ahead, he couldn't help but let his head hang for a second. Sure, that usually didn't bother him. "Today's ... different. I don't know. Keeping the farce up is usually easy.", Josiah explained away. His constant giggling and smiling, all those jokes, the good mood - they were important, they were his very own weapon, but half of it wasn't genuine in the first place. It was almost as if he was running out of time, trying to find out how to survive just one more day, week or month. Still, Louis took note of it, somehow, some way, didn't he? How? Why? It felt almost baffling to learn of him having kept an eye on his exploits - they had only recently reconnected, and yet it was as if Louis never really had went away. "Thanks." Jo was happy to receive a towel and some fresh clothes, knowing that the courtesy was Louis', not his, and that he was already getting up in this mans business without ever intending to. Missing him was ... was it worse than this? As they arrived at the river, it was mostly caked in darkness, save for the few lights that sparringly reached here, from their encampment. "We haven't done this in forever.", he snickered, to brighten up the mood. Right now, this felt nostalgic - they'd always sneak away like this when they were younger, just for the sake of it, just to get away from the others for a bit and explore the world for what it was worth. Carefully, he placed the fresh clothes and towel on fallen over tree and then started unbuttoning his shirt. "Sometimes I still feel silly when I think about how we talked about running away, becoming pirates, or anything else ... I think it would've been fun." Even now, when he was deadset in his career, it seemed. Regardless, Josiah was eager to get out of his clothes - he threw his shirt to the floor, kicked his boots off and then pulled his pants down, so fast in fact, that he barely noticed the sting he felt at first. Confused all the same, he kicked those pants away, too, before he put his hands on his shins and rubbed them. They felt warm, almost hot, to the touch. Hm? Ah. Amidst everything, he'd never really taken note of it - he'd bled, at some spots, and the blood had dried to his clothes - and now his hand was all red. It was dark enough to obscure it, hopefully - Louis worried too much. "Last in is a ... hm. Well, whatever." Josiah braved the river immediately. That stung, a lot.

"It's selfish not to take care of yourself and make others worry for you all the time.", Louis grumbled. Josiah never took care of himself and he put himself down all the time when nobody else thought about him like that. "That won't make any difference in my face." Louis saw no reason in lying to himself about that. He knew how he looked and that he was scary if he didn't put on his makeup or a mask. It didn't matter that others told Louis it wasn't that bad, in the end they were just used to it. It also didn't matter much. When the fire broke out Louis was too young to think about having a family some day and now he knew that a life like that wouldn't be for him anyway and he was fine with it. That meant that how he looked was truly irrelevant. They arrived at the stream and Louis didn't intend to just jump in. For the moment he just looked around a bit and back to their trailers. It was odd not bein inside of the circus fence.

"Farce? You enjoy being around them, do you not?", Louis asked and then sighed. "That you don't want to today just means that you are not alright and you should rest up." Josiah would never agree to that. Why? For no other reason than to make Louis life harder, as always. The clown pulled his shirt over his head eventually, then got out of his shoes and left them somewhere they wouldn't get sweeped away from. He crouched down with just his toes in the water and drenched his shirt. He wanted to get this cleaned first. "Done what?", Louis asked. Sure they never spent time together, not for years, but this hardly felt special. "You can still do that. Go somewhere else, become someone else..." He should, but Louis knew he couldn't get Josiah to, especially not on his own. Josiah just ran into the cold water while Louis tried to get all the mud off of his shirt. He was so childish, but that was fine. "You'll catch a cold.", Louis told him with a very shortlived smile. Then he got up to grab Josiahs shirt from the ground. While he was at it, he could wash that too.

"Then they should stop worrying about me, it's not that important anyway. I'm happy to give, I don't need to take.", he announced, proud of himself for truly not needing anyone for the time being. To stand on his own legs was desirable, to not rely on others was quite literally a virtue, but in the end, he had needed Louis for the smallest of tasks today. "Not entirely. I'm just saying you'll have wrinkles before you're really old, you know?" That was something silly to worry about, something that facepaint would remedy any day of the week, perhaps there was quite the other issue that Louis didn't want to mention - Josiah could guess what it was, for better or worse, but he wasn't sure if that was the issue here. Should he just go for it? There wasn't much to lose here anyway. "It'll make a difference on both halves, if that's what you're scared about. Besides, you don't look any worse to me - and I'm not saying that because I'm used to the scar, before you try to come up with some snarky comment. You barely wanted to show me your mug for the last few years." He understood it, tough. The kids were partially afraid of him for the scar, too - his rash demeanor was but the cherry on top.

The water was cold, murky too - he was in it now, and he didn't give enough of a damn to get back out. Jo used the opportunity to wash himself, to rub the crusted blood off of his shins especially, but also to get rid of the mud that had been stuck on his face and hands for a while today. "Yes, but being all smiles and being so happy all the time is taxing. It's not like I'm not ... that, but today I'm just a bit too worn to play some sort of clown, for anyone, not just them." There was no way he could have performed today, not after their travels, but that was never something they did anyway. Who knew if they'd even reach their destination in the first place? "Fine, you got me there. I'm just ... I don't want to disappoint anyone, or shirk my duties. As long as I can go on, I'm fine." Being burnt, singed, was the aftermath of his stupid decision, one that was regurgitated to him by a man that - very much - knew better than him. Then, Louis made him chuckle. There was no way he'd forgotten, or was dense enough to truly ask that. "Stolen ourselves away to see something we weren't ... or at least were told we couldn't go near. It's like we're kids again, in a way." To him, this was almost precious, even if only for a moment. "No." His demeanor shifted and he stopped running his hands along his body, scrubbing away. "I told you already, I won't leave.", Jo sighed - it always boiled down to this. "Not without you." The flickering lights from their home didn't reflect well on the water, they were too weak to reach this place in their full glorry - all of them, blotches and circles. "As if!" In fact, he probably would, but for now he enjoyed it - it was just right, in a way. "Hey, don't ... I can wash my own stuff!", he protested as he saw Louis outline. As his friend approached the embankment that separated them with the shirt, Josiah closed the distance a little and reached his hand out, cold and dripping wet - to get a better glance at Louis' face. To run it along the ridges of his scar, to map out what he hadn't dared to touch, without asking to. Did it still hurt? What a silly question. Louis felt so different under his cold grasp - he wasn't exactly warm himself. "It's still the same, to me. This doesn't change anything about you.", he murmured, only to flick a bit of water at Louis chest. "I'll be a block of ice before you get in here."

"It's called receiving. People like you and you are stubborn for no reason.", Louis replied with another sigh. Why did Josiah have to play the martyr all the time? It was almost as if he tried to match Louis pain sometimes, as if he felt the need to attone for something that was absolutely not his fault. Maybe Louis gave him the impression he was angry at him or that he blamed him for what happened, but he had entirely different reasons to keep his distance. Josiah got hurt because he didn't, because he wanted to open up to him just a little bit and now he paid the price. "And I'm saying some wrinkles don't matter." Louis didn't look up, besides he could only see a shadowy figure anyway. It was too dark to see any expression on Josiahs face. He looked up however, when Josiah spouted some nonesense. "I'm not scared, I am realistic. I don't mind it either, it doesn't matter..." He'd not leave this place, ever and he'd stay alone, which was fine. Who should he be pretty for?

Louis sighed once more, he could barely see if all the mud was gone from his shirt, he could only guess. "Why not just rest then? Why care for the children all journey long? You're an idiot. There are others who are perfectly capable of looking after them for a day." Josiah would never see reason, it was the same with every topic. He'd also not stop brining seemingly lost children here, dooming them in the end, but he just would not listen. "It's not your duty and no one would have been disappointed in you today, but that's besides the point. What if not resting when you have to hurts you even more, huh? What do we do if you get worse and can't look after them for weeks? Would we let others perform if they are hurt? Even if in theory they could? No. Because the risk of them getting hurt more is even higher. You know all that, why do I have to convince you to take a break?", he asked aggitated. Josiah wouldn't listen, he would never miss a performance either, because he was an idiot and he could already hear him say that Louis was the same, but he was in a different situation entirely. "We hardly left the camp...", Louis mumbled next. This wasn't a forbidden place, maybe for the children it was, unsupervised, but the oldest could look after the younger ones. It was perfectly fine to be here and it wasn't adventurous at all. "I won't." Leave this place that was. "You don't need to stick to me forever. In fact, I don't want you to." Maybe he could ahve phrased that even harder. It was always easier to push Josiah away, but he didn't get it. Ignoring him for the most part didn't make him leave at all. "What? You'll come out of the water and shiver. You're definetly going to catch a cold if you try to wash your clothes then." Louis was stopped in his track anyway. Josiah came awfully close. What was it with people touching his face today? Louis didn't know what to do, but eventually he pulled back and swatted the hand away. "I'm not at all the same person you remember, scar or not. Stop being stuck in the past.", he let out rather harshly. He kneeled down again to give Josiahs shirt a quick scrub too. He glanced at Josiah and he wondered what would happen if he just took a moment on the road like this one to shove Josiah into a river, or knock him out and hide his body in a bush, so he'd stay behind while they left. Would that get him to stay away? Maybe he wouldn't even find them anymore. It would keep him save.

"I'm stubborn because I don't want to be a burden all the time! I can handle myself!", Josiah was quick the argue yet again. If this kept going, they would never finish this stupid dispute of theirs, and maybe Jo didn't want to. It kept him close to Louis, didn't it? There was no need for them to just stop, for them to simply no longer care about the fine details that had caused their relationship to spiral out of control like it did. Why throw it all away? Just because he didn't like arguing? Perhaps. "They don't, I agree, but you don't need them that young!" Agreeing to disagree was something, alright, but it was the best he could do at this very moment anyway. What was there to be gained from the silliness of just having one and the same opinion? Josiah groaned as he felt like he'd been met with an immovable brick, of all things. "Does it now? Not fussy about your appearance at all ... well, the paint covers it up, but I'd feel bad if you had wrinkles just because of me!" Did he want Louis to think of him that dearly, or had he simply lost his mind in the first place? There was only so much that he could say about that, and only so many things that he could repeat in his minds eye.

"I don't need anything else than a quick rest tonight, and then, when I'm up and at it again tomorrow, nobody is going to have missed me, nobody would have had to do an extra set of chaperoning for them and I'll be like new!" Well oiled and rested, like a cog in a never-stopping machin, like clockwork that had to work, or else the entire clock would collapse and not be able to do its duty as intended. Right. The circus worked kind of like that - and that was precisely why he couldn't show any sort of weakness. Not to anyone. "Now you're just being hypothetical! Nothing happened and nothing will happen. Louis, I can perform my duties just fine - it doesn't mean much if I'm a bit exhausted after a day like this, we both know that. You're wracking your brain over something that isn't important right now, or really at all to begin with.", he grunted in response. This was getting ridiculous indeed. "You have to convince me to take one because I can manage myself. I did that the last few years too, without you in my ear telling me what to do. I don't want to argue about that again, okay? Just honor and respect my own decision, please." Again, he was the one that would just have had to say yes to get this out of the way, but instead, he doubled down on his - perhaps - stupid idea. What did it matter? Louis wasn't going to be able to force him to rest up, not tonight or tomorrow, and even if he tried, Josiah was craftier than him, or at least believed himself to be. "And? It's still not in the camp. You don't leave it anyway, I'm the one that always stalks into town!" Why were they regurgitating the same stupid conversation again now? He tired of it, and he couldn't understand how Louis didn't share the sentiment on that end. "Do you think I'm sticking around because I feel some sort of indebted to you? Like I owe you something? It's none of that. This isn't about you, and you should stop worrying about me so much." His decision was set in stone - he wasn't going to leave this place, not in the slightest. "I can wash my stupid shirt in the water while I'm in it. You're worrying too much again." Even with a cold it wouldn't be the end of the world - in fact, if Louis could see his legs, he'd probably not even let him walk back to the trailer by himself. Jo didn't want that. By now, his brows were furrowed and his smile was all but gone - Louis reaction wasn't even what prompted it, not this one at least. "You're talking out of your ass again, I don't want to hear it. Hell, you're just trying to get rid of me now - so sorry, I didn't know your face was reserved for her to touch exclusively. I'll not do it again.", he grumbled, then submerged himself in the cool water for a bit, to get his hair wet at least, to wash away those stupid colors that never stayed for long anyway. He'd need to redo them, maybe. Whatever. Really, what did it matter? As he came back up, he simply glanced at Louis, then got out of the water to dry himself off with the towel he'd been given and get into the spare clothes. So much for spending a peaceful evening together.

"The only person calling you a burdon is yourself.", Louis responded. Josiah was so hellbent on his fantasies it was annoying. He was always the laid back one, the happy one. Louis was always the hard working one because other than Josiah his talent didn't just fall into his lap. That hardly meant Josiah was a burdon though. He just had more time doing his own thing. "If you wouldn't be like this, I wouldn't need to worry." If anything any gray hair and wrinkles would be Josiahs fault if this went on. Telling him to stop worrying wouldn't accomplish that, it did the opposite, it only meant no one would worry about him, not even Josiah himself. One day he'd just collapse if others didn't take care of him. "And still you're not resting now. For fucks sake, why is it so hard for you to admit that you got hurt today? What's the big deal? Even if you're fine physically, you're shaken up, so just rest and take care of yourself. No one, literally no one here expects you to pull your weight after what happened today."

Louis sighed deeply. Josiah didn't want to understand. "It's not just me. You're the only one that expects you to work on a day like today. Look at me and tell me you wouldn't drag anyone else to bed and make them lie down if the roles were reversed." He couldn't. If he did Josiah lied, it was as simple as that. "It's not like I can make you see reason...", Louis mumbled, "...ever." How often did he try to make Josiah see something that was right in front of his nose? "And you won't take any help, ever.", he retorted. He only washed his shirt, why wouldn't josiah let him do that? It was no bother. Josiah seemingly got angry over the fact that he didn't want to be touched, what he said next Louis didn't even understand. "What are you talking about?", he asked confused, but Josiah had enough as it seemed. He got out of the water after a while of silenece, dried himself and got into some fresh clothes. Louis sighed and crouched down again to keep washing, Josiahs pants too. "Good night then...", Louis mumbled. He wouldn't run after him, Josiah didn't want his help, fine. He could use a few minutes to himself anyway.

Josiah rubbed his face - Louis was talking out of his ass again, and they'd never reach an agreement, ever. This was useless - the entire discussion was for naught, hell, it even hurt him to know that, no matter how he twisted or turned it, there was little to nothing he could say to defend himself with. Was he truly in the wrong, while Louis remained in the right? This was bullshit. All of these things, he didn't want to hear them - he didn't need to hear them, in fact. Sure, he'd gotten chewed out by other people a few times when he'd stayed awake for too long, or tried to overwork himself yet again, but they'd never been in his ass about it, not like Louis. Why was he like this? Any thought that he spared on providing himself with an answer was met with his own resilience, and stupidity from somewhere between his ears and mouth, possibly his brain. "Why care now? Ugh, you're impossible! You should care about yourself, but every time ... you know what, just forget it, this won't get us anywhere." They'd argue about the same stuff again and Josiah would be none the wiser - he really, truly did not understand Louis and he wondered if there was something to be gained here, something to be understood if only he had some sort of knowledge that kept evading him in every way possible.

Once he was wedged back into his clothes, he got into his boots - he didn't bother actually tying them back up, no, he didn't care for that and if he were any more abhorrent, he also wouldn't care for the influx of thoughts that haunted him in that very moment. If only he took a stone to Louis stupid head, maybe that would fix him just fine ... and the thought itself was horrible. He grunted, annoyed as ever. "Of course I'd tell you to rest, but that's hardly comparable! You do everything, next to you I feel like I barely need to lift a finger with how little I actually have to do! But you don't rest ever either, so it's not like I can!", he yelled at Louis, teeth boring themselves into his bottom lip thereafter. Whatever. Fuck this. Fuck this guy, seriously and earnestly. "You know what I'm talking about." Grasping at straws was one way to end an argument, but honestly, everything felt janky between them in that regard. Josiah picked up the stuff he'd borrowed, that Louis wasn't actively washing - in that case, just the towel - and grunted. "Sleep well.", he replied in a whisper and then crawled back to their camp, into his trailer and if there was one thing literally everyone could hear, it ought to be the force with which he shut the door. Josiah tossed the towel, then manhandled the first candle he could find and rolled up his pant legs. Ew. Surely, he could fuss over himself now; he grabbed a bottle of alcohol that he shouldn't have from a crammed and some bandages - that should be enough for now, at least it looked proper and it stung like shit - he felt tired, worn even, and should probably crawl straight into bed, but instead, he grabbed the book he'd borrowed from Louis trailer and started reading. Fuck that stupid bastard and his cryptic personality.