eat your young (earinor & marquis)

Josiah was needlessly stubborn and Louis left him alone the whole day. Not even asking him to slow down. Now that it was late and he mentioned it, Josiah chewed his head off. Whatever. Louis was glad to be alone for a bit. He finished up washing Josiahs clothes, then he added his pants to the pile before he went into the water himself to wash up. He rubbed all the mud off of his body as best as he could, then got out, dried his body and got into his fresh clothes. He took the wet pile of fabric and went back to his trailer, hanging the stuff on the outside for it to dry hopefully. Then he went inside, kicking his shoes off at the entrance to not drag all the mud in. He lay down on his bed, sighing and with his arm over his eyes. Josiah was infuriating and no matter how much Louis cared and tried to help him, he always took it as an offence. Why was he comparing himself to Louis anyway? He didn't need to match him and Louis didn't have anything else but the work here.

Louis always worked hard, when he was younger so he could prove his worth. He couldn't do what Josiah could, or any of the other performers. All he could perform were cheap tricks, illusions at best, some juggling maybe. He wasn't as flexible as Jo, he wasn't as graceful as Lily and not as strong as James. He was entertaining and witful, but most of them were. Now Josiah blamed Louis for not being able to rest? This seemed unfair. Louis turned to his side and put his blanket over himself. If he stayed away from Josiah he was mad and if he cared for him he was too. Louis couldn't win, no matter what. He grabbed the curtain that hung around his window to pull it down, shutting out the light o the fire still burning in the middle of their camp. Louis didn't feel good tonight, but he tried to sleep nontheless. Tomorrow would be another long day.

Josiah wished he understood, really, but even as he read that book, there was nothing that immediately caught his eye or would point him into Louis general direction. Wasn't all of this just hogwash? Was her supposed to assume all of these words meant something in the world they live in? Sure, maybe another day, but tonight, Josiah couldn't scramble them together in a cohesive way - he passed out at some point, between the pages, without putting out his candle, so it smoldered away into the night, until it had nothing to feed on anymore. In the end, even he wasn't strong enough to brave his exhaustion, to persist in the face of the manmade horrors that he found himself living through without even knowing it; there was little to no sense in crawling through a maze alike of Louis' mind, and he knew, in a way, that he was too harsh to him - he was too conflicted about too many things, wasn't he? Credit where credit was due, after all. Without Louis, he wouldn't be here - he knew that. But without him, would he even want to be here? Those were answers he couldn't give himself; they were moments of weakness in the back of his mind, somewhere far away from where the rest of his thoughts usually presided.

By the time he woke up, the sun was already creeping into his face - he'd overslept, by a tiny bit, but that didn't matter too much. It was still before they would actually move, yet, he knew that it meant he'd have to cut down on breakfast. First things first, he closed the book that was still lying on his chest, as if he'd merely put it away, and then, he got ... up. Right. Up. His limbs felt like lead, and the moment he actually sat up, his head was heavy, too - he wasn't sick, he knew that immediately, given that he wasn't sniffling or coughing like a madman, but he was definitely still spent. Every move he made hurt, set a new fiber of his body aflame. Why wouldn't Louis be right? Josiah grunted - he wrestled himself out of bed, in front of his mirror, where he took yesterdays shirt - Louises shirt - almost all the way off, once he pulled it up. That looked gruesome. Plenty of bluing spots, painted across his skin like heavy varnish would be in due time; at some point in time, all of this would be a mosaic of some sort, in a few more colors than light blues and deep purples. Jo grimaced, then closed the shirt back up. His hair also looked horrible - he needed to re-dye it soon, which meant he'd have to mess around with some of the chemicals again, which also would just earn him Lou's ire. Just the thought alone pissed him off, but that was whatever. He had to get a move on - and that he did, at a snails pace, as his body ached all around, and every stretch felt as if he was torturing himself. Louis was right and always would be. Once he found himself appropriately dressed; in Louis clothes and his own shoes, he finally left the trailer to pack back up quickly and join the procession of coworkers out the front door, many of which definitely hadn't missed him and the fact that he was a sight for sore eyes. One thing Jo wasn't expecting, though, were the kids, that behaved like honing bullets - they'd always come in to check at him, so there was no surprise about him being swarmed by them; they were glued to him already.

Louis woke up early as always. He got dressed and left his trailer. Breakfast would consist of some bread and cheese, so he started to already clean up the fireplace and pack stools back into one of the trailers they put out yesterday. One by one more people woke up and crawled out of their trailers. Some sat down to eat, some helped, some went down to the stream. Louis didn't expect any help and he never asked either, but he also didn't mind anyone helping, as long as he didn't need to talk. He didn't belong with those people, so he didn't have the right to befriend them. He probably should also keep it that way with Josiah. They only fought anyway and he never listened. Speaking of, Josiah seemed to wake up awfully late today. The children eventually were out and about as well, but no one to play with. The older ones tried to get the youngers to behave, everyone was hungry for now anyway, but as soon as the door to Josiahs trailer opened, they already ran over there. Some had even waited outside.

Louis looked at him from where he was, then walked over, making his way through a bunch of children until he stood before him. "No smile, no laugh, no running around or picking anyone up. I'm not arguing anymore, get back inside.", he told him crossing his arms in front of his chest. Josiah looked disheveled, tired and absolutely terrible. He was about to hurt himself more for no reason other than the need to prove himself for nobody but himself. Louis was tired of playing this game and if Josiah claimed he was fine, Louis was ready to take it to the test by pinching him the slightest bit. Josiah was free to hate Louis for this, but he didn't care about that, he cared more about that guy that used to be his best friend. Josiah was just his own biggest enemy. Someone needed to protect him and anyone else would just back down.

It was only natural of him to bite back if somebody wanted to actually force their ideologies upon him. There was little to no reason for him to fight all of this, let alone was there any need for him to actually come up with an excuse this time; Josiah knew he was tired, that he was forcing himself to stand in a pair of shoes he'd didn't even want to be in, but he'd told Louis yesterday: He wanted this, more than anything else. All of this, it had to happen now, in this very instant and he needed to be atop of it, the king of the hill so to speak, enamored by not just his own thoughts of what victory looked like, but also to overcome, to surpress his constant need for rest. Like this, he was no help to Louis, or anyone, but he could at least wear himself down, to a degree, whittle away at all the reserves that he could call his own for the time being. How many more of those did he have left in him? The thought alone was frustrating, and the realization that he couldn't help himself was something that he couldn't fathom, didn't want to accept. Like always, he toiled against himself the most, not against anyone else.

There was this grave moment of silence that wedged itself between him and the kids, the moment where he couldn't do anything but look at them with a smile on his lips and hope, that for whatever godforsaken reason that it was he found himself here today, he wasn't going to keel over. Some of them had already started playfully shouting at him, or at least nagging them in their childish manner that they always seemed to employ - it didn't matter, for them, him not being with them was probably the worst. Josiah had to push on, even when he felt like this; all of this misery was avoidable, somehow. Just as he stiffled a dry laugh about a question - mainly "where were you? you slept so long!" - Louis approached them. Great. Not exactly the guy he wanted to see, but in this scenario he was unavoidable, and worst, he was actually his sense of reason, in a way. Right now, however, he didn't want to have any sort of reason for anything - he wanted to be stubborn, work himself to the bone like he'd always had. Who was going to stop him? What kind of conscience was Louis? "I'm alright.", he sighed. Not fine, just alright. "We talked about this yesterday, I don't want to argue again. It's fine." Rationality was something that seemed rare, almost intangible between his fingers. "I promise it's alright."

Josiah was stubborn, of course and Louis shot him a deadly glance. "Alright?", he asked, "You look like you can barely stand." To prove his point he shoved Josiah the slightest bit, not harsh at all, not in a way he'd think Josiah would actually fall backwards, it was if anything a tiny push, one that hopefully made him relent. How stubborn could one person be and for what reason? Was there even a way for Louis to win this argument, this fight? Why would Josiah not let himself be helped. This was so stupid, such an idiotic stance and problem, he just didn't understand why Josiah had to be this difficult. He made it hard on himself, on Louis and one anyone else that cared. There was absolutely nothing to be gained and someone else could look after the children just fine. Josiah didn't need to be around them all the time. "Rest and I leave you alone. What good is it if you can barely keep up with the kids? And what good comes of acting strong instead of resting a ew days and be back to normal?"

Louis sighed again, rubbing the bridge of his nose and others came over too, taking note of some form of commotion. Louis wasn't anyones boss in here, even though sometimes he seemed to be the ringmasters right hand man. Still, he couldn't force Josiah to listen, but he was willing to try. In a fight, given most of their fights had been playfights, Josiah usually had the upper hand, just because he could snake himself out of any grapple. Today though? Louis could probably drag him into that trailer and he wouldn't be able to do anything. Maybe that wasn't the right approach however. "Leave Jo alone, meany!", one of the children yelled and pulled on Louis clothes, but he didn't move. "Jo is hurt and won't rest up. At this right he might get hurt even more and won't be able to play for a while. Do you all want that?" He should know better than to ask mere children, they were shortsighted usually, but maybe they'd surprise him and shoved Jo inside of his trailer themselves.

The glance that Louis gave him said it all. Sure, it was one thing to demand something like this of him so adamantly, but the shove itself made him wince - his entire body felt as if he could barely keep it afloat on those nimble legs of his, and the area Lou touched - metaphorically - shrivelled up, to ease the sudden surge of insane pain he felt. "I'm alright, I told you.", he reiterated with gritted teeth. What was he losing or winning here? Was there a way for him to escape the fate he'd sought out for himself? Perhaps only by listening to those who cared about him in the first place. Silence followed at first, at least in his minds eye, but that was it. Josiah was steadying himself again, trying to regain the balance that Louis had made him lose in the first place. "I already told you. Why is it so hard to cram that into your head? I am an adult, I can decided whether or not I'm fine to do what I want and should be doing. There's no need for me to rest now.", Josiah grunted, but he knew that it was absolutely futile to try and resist. In the end, he was as much of a person as Louis was, and both of them were stubborn to a fault and no end.

Wasn't it nice to have someone have his back? Shouldn't he be grateful? In the end, it was all hogwash anyway - it was useless, he was useless and ultimately lost, too. There were so few things that could go his way, so many moments in which he only had himself to blame, but the kids taking accountability for him, why, that felt wrong moreso than ever. "You're just making things up now!", one of the kids was quick to argue; they feared Louis more than even the ringmaster sometimes, but this was a futile fight indeed. Why let someone younger than him fight something so silly, in his name? Josiah didn't mean to be taken care of, by anyone for that matter. Would he ever relent? It was hard to say, but he clearly was doing it out of love for himself, instead of out of love for just the handicraft that entailed him to work himself to death. In the end, this was only going to go in circles. "Stop it.", Jo told the kids that had taken offense on his part and would probably pummel Louis if they could. Here, right now, he was supposed to be the adult and that forced him into a situation he didn't necessarily enjoy - it forced him to be in a place he couldn't feel comfortable in, no matter how hard he'd try. "B-but!" "No buts, go scram, I'll talk to Louis myself, okay?" Josiah had a way with these brats - he shooed them off, specifically in that moment. At least they listened, some more reluctantly than others, and in the end, it was just Josiah and Louis - and Lucas. With a sigh, Jo picked him up - he wasn't a featherweight anymore, but if he put him on his shoulders, that would work. If he could even get him up there. Again, Josiah winced and put Lucas back down. "Sorry. I think you should go with the others, yes?", he chuckled, and shooed him after the others. The moment they were out of sight and mind, he refocused his attention on Louis. "Why are you so hellbent on having me rest? I can walk."

Josiah didn't give in, not at all and of course the children took his side. Louis was the bad guy, always, which was alright, but he also tried to look out for them and Josiah. He didn't understand why he was so stubborn. He could barely stand, he would keel over halfway and that would help no one. I Louis hadn't said anything, would he just rest? Was this just about winning a stupid fight Louis didn't even want to have? Josiah shooed the children away, they remained alone, well and Lucas stayed. Josiah started a futile attempt of lifting him up and had to give up and tell him to go as well. He was not alright, everyone could see that. What was the point of this? Louis waited for Lucas to be gone too, surely some of the children lurked somewhere around the corner and wanted to know what would happen, but Louis had nothing to hide and he also didn't need to explain himself to them. He was in the right anyhow. When he told Josiah to not drag every child he found here, he could understand why Josiah wouldn't listen without knowing the whole context, but this situation right now was just stupid.

"Because you are clearly hurt and I don't want you to get hurt even more. Why are you so hellbent on not taking a break? There is not even a performance, no training, nothing to set up. Whether you walk or stay in your trailer makes barely any difference and the horses can manage a little bit of extra weight. We rather have you back on your feet for the next show than walking the whole way today." Maybe that would get him to listen, but Louis doubted it. He had enough of this. He stepped forward and reached behind Josiah to open the door to his trailer, then he simply shoved him inside, following suit and shutting the door behind them. Once inside he wanted to reason with him once more, but instead his eyes spotted some bandages laying around. The trailer was a bit of a mess as well, more than it was usually. He grabbed the bandages and held them up. "If you're fine, how come you needed these?", he asked pressingly, his eyes darting to a bottle of alcohol. "And I doubt you drank that." Louis face softened up a little. "Jo, please... what is this really about? I don't want to 'win' this argument or whatever this is. I just want to help you."

The last thing he wanted was a lecture - Josiah could care for himself, he was content, he was loved the way he was, he was simply himself and that was all that mattered in the end. There was no such thing as trusting anyone too much, or too little - he could merely pray for his own downfall if he would keep relying on everyone around him, but not himself. Why was it those thoughts that plagued him the most? If only he knew. "And I already told you, I'm alright. That's nothing I can't wait out, it's like a sore - it'll go away, but if I just rest, I'll be more of a burden than I've ever been of use.", he murmured. This was, truly, the saddest of all explanations he could muster and yet one of the best that he could force out of his own mouth. Was he unhappy? No, not in the slightest, yet, it was hard to smile when his own body ached like he'd been torn to shreds too long ago, scattered among the winds that promised him fortune that he never received and now, he was piecing himself together with the help of someone that stood guard, that collected every scrap of him he could find, even when Josiah himself had long since assumed himself to be complete again.

"Woah!", he yelped as he was simply pulled back into the confines of his own four walls - something didn't fit, it was as if having Louis here made everything off-kilter, and yet, did he hate it? Not in the slightest. For every moment that he spent in his presence, he didn't know if he were to hate him less or simply accept the fact that he was experiencing something he couldn't quite explain. Josiah gulped, this was embarrassing enough already - the soft dawn sunlight that shone in through the singular window cast everything in tangible shadows, even yesterdays mess seemed like it was carved into the stark reflections of the waking world. "You're too rough.", he murmured, rubbing his shoulder for a bit, meticulously so, almost as if he was completely lost in a different thought that occured to him in that very moment, tough it never really mattered, did it now? Another gulp - Louis was holding them up to his face. "Routine precaution.", he explained it all away, lied to himself and Louis in the same breath, as he should. His gaze wandered downward. Now he was ashamed. "No, also a routine precaution." Josiah wasn't afraid of anything after all, he never had to be and now, well, he was nothing more than a fearful idiot. "Ack, you know when you need to tug at my hearstrings, don't you?" What a freak. Lou always knew him better than he knew himself, and Josiah finally admitted that maybe, he was being too harsh on himself. "I feel like a burden, that's that. I wish I was more like you, and I want to help you, that's all ... I don't want to argue with you either, I just feel like you treat me like the kid you still see me as, like I can't take care of myself!" What a confession. Alright, it was done and over with anyway. "If you want to know what I needed those for, I got kind of scraped up? I didn't notice it until I went into the river, and when I came back, I didn't want to deal with them, so I just padded it down and dressed the wounds. I'll be honest, it's pretty painful."

"You're a burden by being difficult like that.", Louis replied with a sigh. If Josiah would have just laid down, Louis would already be able to go about his day. There wasn't much to do today anyway, see that no children were lost, though Louis thought that it might maybe be for the better and push some of the trailers if they got stuck. Josiah couldn't help with the trailers anyway, so there was no reason for him to be like this. Frankly it was annoying, very much so. It was unnecessary and stupid and Louis didn't understand the reasons behind it. Maybe this was all about Josiah just wanting attention? Whatever the case, they were inside the trailer now, away from prying eyes and listening children. Josiah didn't have to act anymore. Maybe that was another reason, but he'd been like this yesterday too and Louis and him were alone then as well.

"Rough? It's the only way to get you to do something it seems." Louis didn't apologize. Josiah wouldn't have gone in here on his own, so what other choice did he have? "Routine precaution? Why are you lying?" Louis was ready to just tell Josiah to do whatever. Get hurt then, see where this stubbornness leads. Finally Josiah came up with somewhat of an explanation though. "Well that's because you evidently can't take care of yourself.", Louis grumbled, less harshly than before though. Louis pushed Josiah further into the trailer and onto his bed, so he sat down at least. "Show me", he demanded, "all of it." A full diagnosis was in order. Louis wasn't a doctor by any stretch, but he'd seen his fair share of scraped knees and broken bones. Doctors were expensive and they almost never got one here. Even when Louis was hurt the ringmaster was the only person looking after it, but Louis didn't want Josiah to go to him for help. There had to be an outbreak of some kind of disease for them to pay a doctor. Louis sighed and grabbed the bandages and alcohol, in case he needed it in a bit, once Josiah complied. "When we were kids, the only reason I worked so hard was because I am not as talented as you, or Lily, or James, or any of the others. I needed to prove my worth, you didn't. I wouldn't have had a place here otherwise and now I simply work because I have nothing else to do. I don't know who gave you the idea of being a burden. Either way, you're no use to anyone if you don't take care of yourself."

"A burden to you, not the others. They'd argue I'm more of a burden when I keep resting.", Josiah was agreeing to disagree, yet again. This friend of his seemed to be hellbent on making him stay in bed and admit to his mistakes no matter what, and the two of them, why, they were hardly compatible in their opinions at time. Everything seemed to boil down to one common goal, and every step taken away from it felt like five steps taken toward it at times, even if nobody wanted to necessarily hear that. Why was Louis so adamant about making him rest, if not for his own validation? Josiah wish he knew, frankly, he actually had to know. There was little to no time that he could spend figuring it out, tough. His expression had become sullen at this point, his shoulders slightly slouched and his entire demeanor less than some sort of fake-bubbly farce that he upkept because nobody was watching them. They were alone in this trailer, and all that separated him from the door was Louis, whom he'd stood no chance against richt now, for a multitude of reasons - frankly, Josiah didn't even want to fight him either. "It still hurts.", he lamented in the end.

Mentally or physically, that didn't matter much, all he knew was that it hurt him, for its own reasons, and that he'd be happier if his friend wouldn't treat him like a ragdoll, or a misbehaving dog at times. Anything he ever desired was, after all, condensed down to basics like that. Why else would he want anything more? It was almost as if, no matter what, he failed to concentrate on the bigger picture entirely. "I'm not." This was a routine precaution against ripping the wounds open again, of which Louis didn't know yet, but he'd soon enough, because of course he would. Defeated and deflated, he planned to let out a sigh - his eyes widened and he lamented his pain instead as he was pushed onto the bed all of a sudden. "Ow! That hurts too! Don't shove me around, please.", Josiah admitted in his defeat against the ever-weary Lou. "And that's a mean thing to say.", he mumbled, yet didn't disagree entirely with. What worth did he have, could he not care for himself? "I'm n-" They weren't kids anymore, but fine. In the end, all he could do was listen, unbutton his shirt - which showed bruise after bruise, some worse than the others, some still in the making - they were warm to the touch, and it was quite evident that enough blood vessels beneath had burst for it. Stretching forward to pull up his pant legs felt like agony. "You always need to know everything ...", he mumbled, defeated, as he raised his legs to his body instead and unfurled the soaked bandages after. Yesterday, in the sheen of a single candle reflected off of so many things in his trailer, he'd barely seen it all - he felt as if it were simply scraped, but perhaps, it was worse than just that. A single trailer was a lot of weight on one person after all. "I know, it's just, you do so much now, I don't want it to be a burden for you either, you know? I want to be of help, somehow, but nobody wants to entrust me with anything else and you'd rather ignore me than accept help yourself." He felt like an outcast at times, it wasn't fun - only good for one or two things at a time. "There.", Josiah bemoaned as he stretched his legs back out. They hurt, now even more so. "That's what you wanted to see, right?"

"They don't and you know that. Everyone worries for you. Lily volunteered yesterday because she could see that you needed to rest as well.", Louis replied. Josiah made his own life so unnecessarily hard. "Sorry. Just... you wouldn't listen to me otherwise. When do you ever listen to me?" Louis sighed. Josiah seemed to try and fight him on everything he said and at the same time he didn't want to be a burden? That made little sense. If Josiah lied or not, Louis would see in a moment. "I won't anymore." Josiah sat down now, no more shoving, but otherwise this guy wouldn't have moved anyway. Louis stood in front of him, waiting for him to show him what was truly going on. "Am I wrong?", Louis asked. He just said the truth, Josiah acted like a child. Obviously he was hurt so obviously he should rest, but he didn't take any well meant care, so what else was there than to tell him that he behaved like a child?

As Josiah unbuttoned his shirt, Louis could quickly see all the blue, dark purple and red marks on his body. He sighed deeply. "You're such an idiot...", he let out under his breath. "If you were alright and I overreacted I'd let you go, but clearly I have not. No excuses. You can't tell me you wouldn't send anyone else to bed if you saw them like this." His legs looked even worse and Louis turned around in the small space and opened some of the cabinets to find some tools. He found some scissors he used to cut off a bit of cloth from the bandages, then he turned to Jo again. "Let me see...", he mumbled, kneeling down in front of the bed, grabbing one of Josiahs legs. At least this wasn't actively bleeding, but it was still bad. With the piece of bandage he put some alcohol on, he padded down the wound, cleaned it thoroughly. In infection would be bad, if it wasn't already too late with all the mud that surely seeped trough Josiahs pants yesterday. "You're talking nonsense...", Louis mumbled while he cleaned the wounds. "Looking after the children is a lot of work. I couldn't do it and they don't listen much to the others either. You're there for them from morning to bedtime, when pray tell would you have time for anything else? Only because you enjoy your task doesn't mean it's not work." Louis tried to be careful and he tried not to hurt Josiah while he cleaned the wounds. With the free hand he held his leg up, so he didn't have to hold it up himself. "When I don't take any help that doesn't mean I don't trust you. I just like being alone."

"I know ..." Maybe he was dooming himself for no reason, pretending like he didn't know that he was cared for, beloved in his own sense, but the wave of sadness that it took to actually dismantle Josiah was nowhere to be seen or felt. There was an aptitude of silence all of a sudden, there was a surge of understanding for the situation as a whole and a little less than that. "Never. I never listen to you, and I really don't know why.", he admitted eventually. Listening to Louis ... why would he, ever? Years ago, this wouldn't have been a problem, but by now, he'd antagonized him in his mind somewhat, thought that, with every passing second he didn't oppose him, he'd be doing something wrong. Josiah was, and always would, stay childish in such a regard as this one. There was nothing else about it. "You got what you wanted, so you don't need to do any more pushing, obviously.", he giggled. There was some sort of sorrow in his words, something that he would only describe as "if only I'd listened sooner", or maybe the remorse that came with annoying the hell out of everyone for a chance to, what? Feel good about himself? "No, you're not." But he wished Louis to be wrong, moreso than ever.

As he was chastised for his shortcomings, Jo could only help but sigh himself. This wasn't going anywhere, was it? He'd be here, and Louis would make sure he stayed in bed indefinitely, perhaps until everything had healed nicely enough for him to actually get back to work - which also meant that he was, indeed, being more of a burden than he could imagine to be. "I know ..." It was at least right to call him out for his stupidity; Josiah was, after all, neither necessarily great at being straightforward with what plagued his mind, nor would he ever tell on his own body, even if it were to eventually blow up and into bits and pieces. Lou examined his wounds and it, truly, was like it had been during the old days - whenever one of them got hurt and acted tough about it, the other would wrangle them down playfully and give their bruises a look, yet, this hardly could be described as the same. This was, if anything, him being stupid about something easy. "How's it look? Bad?", he wanted to know. Sure, he'd seen it himself, but a second opinion was never a bad one - in fact, he was relieved to have it. "No, I know, it's just that, it doesn't feel like I'm doing much and the kids will be adults in due time, you know?" They'd grow up, and all Jo did for them would be but an effort marked by how they were as adults. Factually, that felt like he was getting old, and in reality, maybe he was, in a way, too sentimental. As alcohol hit the wound, he hissed, stopped in his tracks, but it was fine - he'd endured it, and he'd endure Louis lithe touch, too - especially when he looked at him with such pleading eyes. "You're alone too often. I feel like you're lonely, and don't want to burden anyone with that, so you never say anything."

"Sometimes I am not sure if you are angry at me, or if you feel guilty for... well there is no reason for you to feel guilty, but I am not sure you know that." The fire wasn't Josiahs fault, he didn't start it, nor did he force Louis to run back in. Maybe it was just the fact that Louis pulled away from Josiah since then, maybe Josiah felt like Louis blamed him. Either way, something stood between them, he felt it, but he couldn't make out what exactly it was. There were so many reasons for Josiah to feel negatively about Louis, or himself. It would have been so much easier if he could talk to him freely, but he couldn't, so sometimes he figured it was easier to say nothing at all. While he was here he could maybe look for this book and take it back. But right now he focused on the wounds that didn't look good at all. Once he was done with the first leg, he bandaged it up with fresh bandages before moving over to the next.

Louis sighed, but didn't look up. "You should have cared for this sooner. You should have let someone have a look right away. With your legs scraped like this, were your pants even fine? How much mud was in there and the water probably didn't make it better..." If Josiah died because of this, Louis wouldn't forgive him. He wouldn't even joke about this, because right now it felt like a real threat. It felt like something was stuck in Louis throat. He was genuinely scared for Josiah. All he ever did was to keep him save and now that he opened up just a little bit, he almost or maybe actually killed him. He needed this book back. "Don't be silly, there will always be kids around." Barely anyone stayed as long as Louis and Josiah. There were a few others still with em, but the children came and went all the time. Louis sighed once more. He wouldn't say he wasn't lonely, but as soon as he got closer to Josiah again, this happened. It was no good, he'd rather be an outcast than be the cause of anyones demise and he also very well knew that he didn't belong in Josiahs world anymore. "I'm not lonely.", he lied, just to get him off his case.

"I'm ... that's not it. Maybe I do, though." Was he guilty? Louis had to suffer because of him, because he was inadequate, entirely useless, lost, maybe even ripped to shreds by his own inability to do anything right. Even now, he needed someone to save him, to keep a close eye on him lest he'd eat himself alive by being an idiot, but on the other hand, maybe this was all he needed - Josiah was, inherently, alone. Sure, there were people like them, there was Lily, there was James, there were many more of them, but none of them were like Louis was to him. There was a divide, a gap he couldn't bridge, and with all that came with that, he didn't know if, in the end, it waas even right for him to wish Lou would ever dote on him again. "Sometimes I ... I don't know. I want to be of help to you, but like this, I'm not. I just wish I could push through it, that it wasn't as bad as it is. That it wouldn't faze me as much as it does." Even now, he felt the sting in his flesh, the pain he couldn't bottle up as he kept hissing, kept biting his bottom lip. THis had been stupid from the get-go, if only he'd listened in the first place, he wouldn't have to deal with all of this.

His eyes were trained on the brunette that diligently worked away. This wasn't it, was it? "I think they are ... might have some holes, I didn't really look when I took them off yesterday. You washed them.", he remidned his friend. That he did, indeed. Had he not noticed anything? Was this all just from the blunt force and not actual scrapes? By now, that was hard to tell anyway - one day, he'd probably die due to carelessness. "It was dark, I just washed it all off and then put alcohol on it when I got back to the trailer, before I padded it dry and bandaged it for the night. I promise it didn't hurt that bad yesterday." If he got an infection from this, he could kiss working goodbye for a while - worse yet, he probably would be out of a job, but that was a threat that only persisted in the back of his mind. Easily replacable, hm? "Who's gonna bring any in? Me? You told me not to anymore, so I won't. Well, I'll try not to." And the ringmaster would probably not go out of his way to collect them either. By now, their relationship was at a crossroads - and Josiah, who had set his sight on walking down a certain path, had turned around to trudge after Louis' footsteps in the mud of his own path. Both his eyes, mismatched as ever, were staring Louis down - he was a horrible liar; both of them were. "Now you're the one that's lying to me. We're both some sort of helpless." Did they need each other to be complete? THat was a good question. "By the by, I started reading the book yesterday. I'm not sure I entirely understand it all."

"What happened is not your fault.", Louis reiterated. "I don't blame you for it either. And I'm fine." That was a lie, but he couldn't explain what was wrong at all, so why bother at this point? "You don't need to prove anything to me, nor do you need to make up for anything. I just... I might not act like it, but I do care about you and when you are silly like this... I'd rather not have to worry about you this much..." He sighed again. Seeing Josiah like this, so hurt and knowing that he went through the whole of yesterday, it almost made Louis cry. He was able to pull himself together, which was probably the reason Josiah didn't even know how much he cared about him. "It's not your fault you got hurt. If you need to rest you need to rest. I don't even know why we are still arguing about this." It would be different if he was just lazy but Josiah was far from it.

"It was dark, I didn't check them for holes." Maybe Louis should have, then he would have caught this situation earlier. "Well sometimes it takes a while before it starts hurting, that's why you should have let someone check you head to toe." Did Louis have to explain every single bit? He'd not be done chastising Jo anytime soon if this went on. "You say that... look, there will be more and if not, then you'll find different things to do, but right now you are helping enough." No chance that there wouldn't be any other children coming in, but with Jo halting on his part it might not be as many. Louis bandaged up the second leg as well, then got up, but he wasn't done. "Let me see if anything is broken." It would hurt, but since Josiah didn't complain about the damage that was already quite obvious, Louis felt the need to make sure. He started with Josiahs arms, feeling them up to see if the bones underneath were alright and trying not to hurt Josiah too much. "I... maybe, but I just don't want to get too close... I can't explain it." There was no point in Josiah asking. "Forget about the book. I'll take it back and bring you a better one, you need some entertainment in here anyway."

"I know." None of that was, in essence, maybe. But there was something else that happened, from time to time at least, and there was nothing much he could do about it. Why, praytell, would he even care too much about it all, tough? Louis said it was fine, and Louis word was one he could trust, yet, he knew that - deep down - deluding himself didn't help either. "You're not fine. Look, if you were fine, we'd both be unscathed." What mount of grief was buried deep within Louis, he couldn't tell - he could perhaps not even fathom what came of or with it, in the end, it was simply that they both were just having their own issues, be that as it may. "I don't want to cause you any harm, sometimes I just ... feel unseen, maybe? I wouldn't butt heads with you if I didn't care or value you either, you see? There's just ... it sometimes feel hard to accept it all at face value, you know?" And for that matter, it also was hard to get through to Louis in his entirety. Surely, someone as talented and firm as him was going to be just that - someone smart, someone well-versed, someone that had no need of him, but Josiah desperately wanted to be needed, by this man, not anyone else. "Ack, fine. I'll stop arguing. It's not like I want to argue either. It's draining."

Rather, he'd speak with him on the regular, normally as one would, even if he was denied that. "I don't fault you, neither did I. I could barely see half of what was going on with my legs anyway. It was just really bloody when I took off the pants yesterday, kind of hurt a lot too." The water burned, not horribly, but it had made him hate the idea itself. "You aren't wrong, and yet you know how I am. Something like that isn't enough to stop me." Jo was diligent, perhaps even hardworking, but what did it help? For all that it was worth, he was working himself to the bone, into the aether of the world until nobody would hear his screams anymore, and as it all came pummeling down on him, he felt some sort of sad about it. "If you say that, I'm inclined to believe you. For now. But if I ever can do more, or something for you, tell me.", he murmured. Lou hadn't changed, not one bit, but his exterior was rugged, riddled with sharp stones that were to keep anyone away that looked at him for too long. Right now, Jo was put back together, in place, for the unjust sake of having existed at some point in time relative to Louis, with him in this very moment, because if Josiah himself wouldn't care, someone else ought to. "Okay, fine. Just don't pull me apart, okay?", Jo asked, nicely. There was nothing else he could and wanted to add to that, instead he was being subjected to Lou's methods, and while his hands and arms felt fine, his torso would be a nightmare. A broken rib would fix itself overtime, yes, but it also meant he couldn't do his job. "I won't ... ask for an explanation, okay? Just stop pushing me away when you change your mind, that hurts. I feel lonely without you, and I know you are, too. You're just deluding yourself if you think you can shoulder the whole world on that back of yours, all alone." In the end, Louis would do what Louis wanted to do, and Josiah smiled at him - he couldn't muster a chuckle, that hurt. "Huh? No. Now you're just changing your mind again. I'll read it. You said I should." Something was off, but why? "You make no sense to me sometimes."

"What? Do you mean the scars? It's fine and it's not like that's fixable. Your wounds are." A good chunk of his skin was riddled in scars, in his face, on his arms, legs, torso, but what did it matter? For his job it didn't and otherwise they all were freaks. The children were scared, but he doubted that had to do with the scars primarily and even if, he didn't need to be their friend either. Those who cared about him didn't mind. "You shouldn't be so attached to me...", Louis mumbled silently. "There are plenty people who like you and love spending time with you. You don't need me." Whether Louis tried to stay away or not, it all culminated in Josiah seeking his presence it seemed. Josiahs arms seemed fine, they weren't as purple and blue either. Louis went on to Josiahs upper body. The shoulders were fine too, but before he could continue, someone knocked on the door. For a moment Louis left to peek outside. "The ringmaster wants to leave.", he was told. Louis nodded. "Yeah that's fine, Josiah will stay in here, I'll hurry up." But they didn't need Louis right now. He closed the door again and went back to Josiah.

"Don't hide anything like this ever again.", Louis told him firmly. While he continued prodding down, the trailer started moving shakingly. "It should. You could have hurt yourself even more." He prodded down, checked the ribs and sure as hell there was one spot Josiah flinched much more than on the others. Louis didn't want to hurt him more than necessary, but he pressed down to check if he could eel the bone being broken. No performing for Josiah with a broken rib, but he'd refuse. "Why do you want to help me so much? You're not living for me." Louis sighed once more. "You can't perform like this, you'll hurt yourself." No chance Josiah would accept that. Maybe he needed to get the ringmaster involved after all, then again... no, it was probably better he didn't know. He would know though, people talked and it would be off for Josiah to just not perform. This was bad. Slight panic emerged from within Louis stomach. "What I shoulder is mine to bear alone. I think it would be better for you to let go of me. There are plenty of people you can be friends with instead." No explanations, just that. That book, he needed it back. "Am I not allowed to change my mind? I have more engaging books than that one. Maybe they'll keep you from running around, because with that broken rib you should rest and tell the children not to tackle you. You shouldn't lie to them either." Another sigh. "How's your legs, your hip?" Gladly his joints were something he didn't need to worry about, he was overly flexible either way.

"Yes, but that ... Louis, listen. I'm sorry, okay? Even if it's not my fault, and I know you'll never let me take the blame, but I'm sorry.", he sighed. In accordance with everything, maybe this kind of excuse wasn't good enough either way - maybe he should man up, tell Louis how he was feeling, how many times he felt lost, and how much it actually meant to him that the two of them were going about it some kind of way. Alas, there was much to mend and yet so little time to do it properly. "I am, and I know you aren't much different either." Was that a direct callout? An acknowledgement of sorts? Perhaps, and maybe - it all came down to the fact that neither him nor Louis wanted to play openly with the cards life had handed them in the first place. "Don't say that. It's honestly not about needing you, I want you." There, that wasn't that hard to say, was it now? Jo would take Lou any way he could think of, well, not every way, maybe, but still. Why run from him, why evade him when they both wanted nothing more than to desperately be there for each other? Before he could waffle on, there was a knock and then a conversation that should have included him, yet didn't. He resigned himself to his fate.

Josiah stiffened up, raised an eyebrow and nodded afterward. Louis was serious. Sure, they both were aware that this was a bad play on his end, they both knew that this could be worse than they fathomed at the very start, but Josiah wanted to be optimistic, wanted to delude himself into thinking he could shoulder all this and more. "Don't be mean now.", a plea that surely enough fell on deaf ears, as Lou continued his work. This felt strangle, in many ways, not because time had passed, not because they'd lived apart from each other for so long and definitely not because the pain was worse in some areas. This was all idiotic, all encompassingly stupid, even. "Ow! What the hell!", he yelped, though, already knew the anser. All that pain, and that intimate feeling of fingers pressing a slight bit too far, too deep, could only mean one thing. Great. "I don't need to live for you, I just ... I want to spend time with you, and I want to do right by you, yes? All of this, I enjoy it, but, without you, it feels barren. Like something's missing." A confession, yet again. The truth hurt, much like a broken rib. "I know. I also know what kind of disaster it was when I broke some as a kid once, but we had someone else back then. I can't just not fill my spot, there's nobody.", Jo grumbled, more mad at himself than anything. What then? Surely, they could do something about this, but what it was, well, it evaded him. Still, his hair stood on end, on the back of his neck, as if there was something foreboding clawing at his throat. "Not that crap again. Stop it, I mean it. You care for me, I care for you, and yet you say we should stay away from each other, miles apart, I should leave, should go, should not even waste a thought on you. I don't want to and when I finally butter you up, you change your mind again soon after. No way." Josiah rubbed his temples, then cast a glance at Lou. "You change your mind too often, so yes, you aren't allowed to anymore. I'll be nice about it this time - you can have the book back tonight, when you're done with your work and bring me a different one. Sounds good? Yes? Great." And Josiah would use the time to actually read this thing, and if push came to shove, he'd gut it and exchange its contents with anothers - Louis could suck it. "Alright, alright. Fine. I'll stay in bed, and I won't lift anything, and I'll tell them I'm getting old and brittle so they should tackle someone else now. I'll be honest, but I'll still read them their bedtime stories." As best he could, sitting up was going to hurt eventually. Jo grimaced at Lou. "Legs feel like lead, but that's mostly because of all the walking and the stupid scrapes. My hip is ... fine? I think?" He stood up to prod himself, move a bit, test it out for himself. "No, that's fine. Anything else?"

"Nothing to be sorry about...", Louis mumbled. Josiah was the only one making this a big deal. Louis had other worries than some scars. "You're reading too much into my actions." No it was better for Josiah to stay away from Louis. He only put him in danger and aside from that, they fought constantly anyway. Why did Josiah make everything so hard on Louis? No matter what he did, he didn't stay away and maybe he shouldn't have given in in the first place. Now the situation got even worse. "Why? How often do I need to tell you, that I am not the same boy I used to be? People change Josiah, grow up." Maybe that was too harsh once more, but he wouldn't understand it otherwise. Louis was afraid, he didn't want to get too close to anyone, especially not Josiah and talking was difficult if he couldn't say half of what he wanted to say. Even then, Josiah wouldn't believe him, he wouldn't want to believe him.

Whatever Louis said out of concern or to get rid of Josiah, it didn't deter him from staying away, it actually seemed to do the opposite. He sighed and looked at Josiah. "Whatever you're missing is gone forever. It died in that fire and that's that. Get that into that thick skull of yours." Josiah drove Louis crazy with his persistence. Since he checked Josiah through thoroughly, he got up. "Us being friends just doesn't work out. We grew apart, that happens. Whenever we spend time together we fight, so let's just stop trying." Yes Louis changed his mind and Josiah would never change his. The brunette just wanted out of here at this point. He could just grab that book too, what was Josiah going to do about it? But it seemed to suspicious. "Just... rest today and we'll think about the show tomorrow.", Louis sighed and went for the door. He didn't say anything more, he basically fled and jumped out of the slowly moving trailer. He shut the door and needed to take a deep breath before he could get on with his day.

Like a leaf in the wind, Louis toiled and turned with nowhere to go, trying his utmost to make some sort of wave, cause a ripple effect that actually forced him to stay away. Josiah hated it - he hated every second of the delusion that they could still be friends, that they were there for one another until hell froze over in one moment, then couldn't even coexist in the next; it made him bitter, maybe even shrivelled up that heart of his that was ready to just give Louis one chance after the other. Why was he being like this, so unnecessarily difficult? Everything he said, with the shreds of truth intermingled, Jo couldn't and wouldn't grasp like this, even when it hurt, and even when he felt as if someone had taken a razor to his heart and cut it up, into thousands of ribbons that littered the ground in an extravagant wedge of gore and heartache. Why was it that he always picked the worst of excuses, the most horrid of examples, the simplest ways of getting him to relent? Maybe Louis was never a friend of his, maybe Josiah was - indeed - just convenient to him, easy to have around for a while, and they he grew into a burden. Was he to say anything? Apparently not, because Louis left before he could even retaliate. Again, it was the same: He was all alone, in his trailer and no use to anyone. There was no one to keep him company and there wasn't anyone he could delude himself into being useful for. For a while, he just sat there, staring blankly at the wall and wondering where he'd gone wrong, or whatever it was that hurt Lou so deeply he thought of him as nothing more than a nuisance he wanted out of his life. Now, he wasn't even useful to the circus, let alone useful to that man specifically in the first place; would he ever be again? Maybe if he simply got rid of that broken rib, the issue would be taken care of ... no, that was too much. In the end, all he did was pull his curtains close and actually get up to lock the dingy trailer door - if he was alone, he might as well use the time to read, he figured; lest the shadows whispered things to him again.

That sort of commotion wasn't easy to overhear, surely someone had to take note of it, and if it wasn't anyone else, it ought to be Leila, for the fact that Louis seemed to bolt out of there like he'd been caught, redhanded, in the middle of an act. Whether or not she should approach and pester him wasn't up to the debate right now, what was actually something that she should do was make sure he was okay. "Louis!", she called out with a wave and a smile to close the distance between them, among the moving carapace that was their wagon. "Are you okay? You were in there for an awful long while." Maybe he'd dodge the question, but she was sure he would at least have something to say. "Was he being difficult again?"