eat your young (earinor & marquis)

"I wasn't complaining.", Louis quickly responded. Did it sound like that? It wasn't his intention. For how he treated Jo the past couple years it wasn't too out of the question and yet he was too tired to pretend he didn't care anymore. He was too tired to pretend anything anymore, even too tired to pretend he didn't want to give up. Josiah seemed unhappy about the task. When Blair suggested it Louis actually thought it was a good idea and that Josiah would be happy to get more responsibility and be less treated like a child himself. Instead he seemed almost offended as if Louis was scheming something, even though he didn't say any of that. Should he ask? Maybe he wad just making it up. "If you don't have the time, I can ask someone else." Preoccupied with Lucy was what he meant. Louis didn't judge, but Josiah couldn't keep doing nothing either. He seemed happy, maybe too happy with the current circumstance.

"Don't worry, you're not the only one forcing me to rest more. I'll feel better soon for sure..." Blair did and James too. Everyone else either didn't care, wad scared or angry at him or was the likes of Roy and mad on his behalf. "I didn't say anything.", Louis responded confused when Jo apologized for seemingly no reason. He seemed more in thought than ever if anything. Usually he didn't stop talking and either doting on or fighting with Louis. Suddenly it burst out of Josiah, explanations anf excuses Louid hadn't even asked for. He didn't know what to say. "If she makes you choose then choose her. I won't stand in your way." Was that the right thing to say? Louis understood Jos struggle, the fact that Louis was so different and couldn't talk about half the things that were important. Lucy was much easier to deal with. Jo eventually pulled him into a hug and Louis needed it. He didn't struggle and let Jo put his arms around him and pet his back. It felt as if this alone took a load off his shoulders and maybe Jo would never truly change. Louis leaned against him, albeit not returning the hug, but he embraced it in his own way. His head on Jos shoulder he closed his eyes for a much needed moment and took a deep breath. He wanted to answer Jo that he felt like he wasn't acting for years but didn't even start the sentence, knowing that he couldn't end it. Instead he just mumbled a "Mhm" as he swallowed deeply. Was he causing trouble between Jo and Lucy with this? Why could he never just stop thinking? He wanted to just sink into Jos embrace again and sleep the whole afternoon. It felt save before, but it wouldn't happen now or maybe ever again. He pulled free himself not long after. "Thanks Jo... I'll go rest now as promised..."

"Never said you were.", he snorted, sounding halfway amused by the proposal. Lou would probably not complain even if someone told him to hold the tent up by himself, by any means necessary, he'd just do it - Josiah was the one that could learn from him, that had little to no idea how to be as selfless, but he wondered if that was something he had to get around to first, or if the ringmaster wholly expected him to be as selfless in the first place. Whatever the criteria for that mans helping hand was, Jo didn't fit it and he was glad, for once, that he didn't, even if Louis knew well enough what words to pick to wound him. A pout was all that earned him. "I never said I don't have time, and I also didn't complain I didn't like my new task, did I now? I'll do it, happily even. It was just out of nowhere - you usually wouldn't even let me get close to anything you do, might I remind you." Like a cat that had gotten territorial over its food dish, even now that it was empty and wouldn't even feed the cat itself anymore, but Jo would rather he let those comparisons to himself for now, lest he found out that he cared a little too much about his very own black cat among the rest of the circus rabble.

"Only if you actually rest. That includes not moonlighting as someone that feels fine during shows, you hear?", he complained openly, not sure if that, too, would really reach the man he was talking to or if there was genuinely something wrong with Louis beyond the obvious. To be a performer in the circus, they all needed to be a little messy in the head, but Lou seemed like a sponge - he absorbed everyone elses overt craziness at times. "And I'm just being honest." His hand was more of a moral support, running around Louis back to warm him up and give him comfort, not straying too far from his spine whenever it branched out and wanted to make sure that every part of this man was being consoled the right way. Was there such a thing? "I knew you were going to say that, you're such an idiot." Choosing Lucy seemed obvious, staying with Louis only felt like he would be in for a world of hurt that he partially built with his own hands and he, too, couldn't blame Lou for that. Which one of them was really at fault? Wasn't it downright cruel to make him choose one over the other? What if Lucy could warm up to him again after all? They used to be friends, back then when the world wasn't just consisting of theories and possibilities, of snark and mindless indulgences. Before Jo could even think of pulling Lou into much deeper of a hug and betray his own feelings - feelings that he was right to feel, that definitely had to be there after all - he wrested himself free. Beholding Louis, he raised an eyebrow. "And you're going to be fine? Should I get someone else? Should I stay with you until you fall asleep?", he whispered, his voice thin, as if someone would listen in otherwise. "You look beat. Do you have someone to talk to?"

Louis wasn't sure if Josiah warmed up to this conversation or not. He still acted somewhat distant and annoyed. Usually he'd lay out all of what Louis said better than he meant it, today the opposite seemed to be the case. He snapped at him again and Lpuis didn't quite understand what he was doing wrong. For once he just tried to be nice and uncombative. He didn't have the energy to fight with Jo right now. "Sorry.", he apologized and the jab was well earned, even though he usually did all of what he did himself because he wanted it to be done right and without having to fear someone else would die anytime soon. Was it wrong to be relieved that Conny would be on the chopping block before Josiah? It took some worry off at least. Was he feeling that way because he changed even now or because he had to choose his fights wisely? He couldn't save everyone and if he had to choose, he'd choose Josiah.

Jo still didn't understand what happened during the shows, not that anybody else did but Louis tried to explain it before. He sighed quietly. "I can't sit out any show.", hr simply answered and if Josiah wanted to read it as him being too duty bound then that was fine too. Josiah sent mixed signals between his snarkyness and the hug. "Why? I just want you to be happy and I'm not your responsibility.", he answered. Lucy was alive unlike Louis, the choice was easy. He broke free and shook his head. "As I said, I'm not your responsibility. I'm not going to get lost on the way to my trailer.", he refused any help. Josiah explained it, he couldn't just ditch Lucy and Louis didn't ask that of him. Hr would have been happy if he checked up on him, but aside from Lucy being against it, Josiah didn't seem to want to either and Louis wanted this for so long. "I'm... Okay. I can talk to someone else and it's mostly my head hurting, really." And half of his body as if it was still burning, but he couldn't explain any of that and he didn't want to worry Jo in the first place.

"Don't apologize, it's just the way it is." There was no changing that, bygones were bygones and nothing was going to make that any different, no matter how many times Louis wanted to apologize for it, Jo had plenty of things he could also apologize for, yet never did. It was odd, wasn't it? This weird cacophany of a relationship that, usually upheld by at least one of them, was currently not being glued together by either. Not a flaw, not a failure but silent acceptance neither of them were arguing to undo - they didn't have the energy, nor did they have the precious time to do so and Josiah, for one, was glad that he would fail to start an argument with Louis at some point, any point really, because his already exhausted self couldn't stem them both back up on their feet all the time. Partly, most of this was his fault and he could do little to change that, unless he shut up completely - not that he had fun arguing all the time, who would? But with Louis it felt almost like this was the only and best way out, like neither of them could talk normally and when they did, either of them had to be about as exhausted as they could be until something useful spilled out of them. Was he the idiot? Jo sighed.

"You never can, just like you can't leave?", he asked with a raised eyebrow, remembering well enough what Louis started to show him. What would happen if someone locked him up in his trailer, then? Josiah shivered, the thought sounding unwelcoming all around - they relied on Louis, but worse than that, without him there was no assuring what would and what wouldn't go haywire and even that aside, whoever Louis was during the night probably could carry grudges well enough, that much Jo was certain of. He didn't need to experience it for himself either, he just could tell. "And? I know things change, we aren't stupid kids anymore, but it seems disingenious." After all he had tried, to just drop Louis like hot coal, now that he had him somewhat buttered up no less, wasn't that the worst? Jo didn't want to hear it, he himself knew that it was dumb. "No guaranteeing you don't keel over, though." Not from the looks of it anyway. The rudeness of the gesture alone was deserved, yet he looked dumbfounded. "You're sure that's it? Your head?" Maybe it was, maybe it wasn't. Who could tell? Only Louis, if he wanted to. "Then talk to that someone else if you can't tell me, alright? But that doesn't mean you're off the hook. Picking you over her or anyone over another is ridiculous."

Louis nodded, but didn't say anything, because he didn't know how much he could say. He was trapped here as much ad he couldn't control what he did ad soon as the guests arrived. He wasn't sure if it was the ringmasters doing or other things were at play here. Blair didn't change as drastically. As much as he didn't belong anywhere it seemed he split in half trying to find a place in either world. Maybe one of his selves had to die eventually and there was only one side that got exhausted in the first place. Blair told him to keep fighting, if only a little, but it got harder anf harder every day. He wished to just didn't care about anyone but himself, he wished to not be afraid of what would happen next and he wished he didn't care if he was alone or not. If Blair was like them what did he gain from being nice to Louis? He still wasn't sure if he could trust him. He could trust Josiah though, but letting him go and be with Lucy was better for him.

Josiah seemed out for a fight anyway and Louis once more had trouble to keep him at a distance, despite Jo not even looking at him the past couple days. "We don't have to keep something alive that was once important to us. We grew up - differently." They never were alike to begin with but as children they filled out what the other lacked. Now, with everything that happened, they lived in very different worlds and it seemed their paths never crossed." I'm not that tired. ", he assured Josiah. What about Lucy? He said she'd be upset and Louis didn't want to keep Josiah. Was Louis so easy to read though? "My old scars hurt, but that's all.", he answered. There was no point in lying about it. "It didn't seem like you wanted anything to do with me and that is fine, really. You don't owe me anything so if you rather spend your time with her, go for it. I'm sure she'll gladly help you with the children as well." Tjos discussion dragged on longer than it needed to. Louis just wanted to lie down, after he updated the show plan of course.

Was there any point to arguing with him? It didn't feel liike it - Louis would see the world the way he wanted and Josiah would do the same, as was customary with the two of them. Complaining and arguing only drove both of them insane, not closer to each other and Josiah felt bad, once for making Lou go through the hassle of letting himself be annoyed by him in the first place and second for being as much of an annoyance to that man in the first place. Perhaps Lucy had been right, and Lou too - they didn't belong together, never had and never would and their best guess was to stay away from one another the only way they knew how to: Not look each others way in the first place. It seemed cruel, maybe it was, or perhaps just a little sadistic, but regardless of what it was, Josiah couldn't deny he didn't like the thought of it, nor did he like picking someone and then choosing one over the other. Was he selfish or was this cruel? Thoughts spiraled through his mind like a whirlwind that wouldn't stop, all of them at once, as if there was nothing that would last if he wasn't careful enough with the things he'd been given. Happiness was a fragment he couldn't be bothered to share at times and yet, when he extended it to Lou like a stale piece of bread he was done with, it seemed to be met with indifference.

For ocne in his life he didn't feel irritated at the stupid stuff Lou was spouting, or at the argument they were having - he wanted to be the mature one for once, accept things for what they were and then move on with his life. A sigh, that's all he could muster in that moment. "I'd like to, for the sake of it - and because you're still important to me. But it's like walking on eggshells sometimes." Not that he couldn't admit his own flaws, though - sometimes things just wouldn't go the way he needed them to and he had to admit that, despite everything, that was as good as it got. "It's not about feeling tired, it's about you not feeling good." It would only lead to complications, but Jo knew better than to drag this out ad keep Louis unneccessarily occupied with things that he had neither the time nor mind for. "I- I'm hurt to. Sometimes I don't know if I can trust you, you know? But I'll always give you the benefit of the doubt - I'd rather blame it all on the ringmaster than believe for a second any of this is really something you'd pick if you had the choice. You can cry about Leila just like anyone else, if you were heartless you wouldn't.", Jo pointed out the hypocrisy, then shook his head. "You need rest and you're right, Lucy will be upset if I don't get back to her. Go lay down, please? I'm sorry to hear about your scars, maybe there's some ointment that can help for a bit?"

Josiah always seemed to do the opposite of what Louis wanted at the moment and Louis changed his opinion every other day. When he wanted Josiah to visit him, to see how he was doing, to just be with him for a bit, he didn't care about Louis, he didn't show up, didn't even look at him when he happened to be out of his trailer. When Louis wanted him to back off, to be with the people he should be with, with the ones that were like him, not some kind of twisted monster, he latched on to Louis, he didn't want to let go and told him how important he was to him. Both hurt Louis, his heart felt hevay and he didn't know what to do. Jo didn't want anything to do with him and Louis just tried to support him, so he'd finally get away, but now Jo seemed offended by Louis just trying to help Josiah make the right decision. He wanted to be selfish and at the same time he hated himself for when he was, for keeping Josiah here. All these years he kept his distance, then when he finally let Jo back in, he dropped Louis as if it never happened. He didn't understand him.

"Don't you think, maybe, if it's this hard, it's just not meant to be? I'm not trying to hurt you and yet you take it as such. If you want to be with Lucy I am happy for you and if she doesn't want me near you, I respect both your decisions. You don't owe me anything, so you don't have to force yourself trying to mend something with me. I'm sorry I am not the same person I once was anymore. I will never go back to being that boy." Josiah liked that version of Louis, not his current one. He hated what happened to him during the shows and he couldn't deal with the Louis talking to him now, but there was nothing left of the cheerful, determined and optimistic boy he was before the fire. All of that had been burned out of him. Louis sight. "I'll make it to my trailer, promise." Was Jo trying to find a reason to accompany him, or was he looking so terrible he actually thought Louis might keel over on the way there? This talk got way too real and when Jo was talking about him being hurt too, Louis couldn't look him in the eyes. It hurt him when he said he couldn't trust Louis and he probably got a bit smaller because of it. Telling him he was right about the ringmaster was impossible, but Louis also didn't want to desperately beg Jo to keep trusting him. All these years he did nothing to protect anyone really, he'd just been on his high horse, thinking he could make a difference when in reality, he was part of this circus as much as Blair was and as much as Roy was too. He wasn't better than any of them, only more arrogant and that arrogance cost Leila her life. He didn't know hot to get her out of his head. He couldn't say anything and just waited for Jo to give him an out. He nodded. "I will.", he told him. He doubted ointment would help, it felt like the more his will broke, the bigger the toll on his body that had been due a long time ago. Maybe he was crazy for thinking that though. Still he nodded and tried to force a smile. "Maybe. I'll ask someone about it later." With that he turned around, maybe this was a good point to finally leave this conversation.

Fleeting wasn’t the best way to describe their relationship, it had never been. No rosary of sweat, formed on Josiahs wrinkled forehead and no soundless pleas, falling from pale, dry lips would change their lives now. Whatever pact with the devil one had signed, figuratively anyway, was sealed now and Josiah wouldn’t change it, not when he flip-flopped between answers like a dry heaving fish, unable to make his gills understand that air wouldn’t kill him. No, why would they understand something like that? “We don’t have to go back, not that we can, anyway.”, Jo recalled aloud, as if they both had forgotten that it took more than rewinding a pocket watch to travel back in time. Such things didn’t exist - never had, likely never would and even if, Jo thought, it’d have to be long past their time. “Pinky promise?”, he tried to get out of Louis, but understood just how childish and ridiculous that request must sound but a minute later. There wasn’t more to say. Lou didn’t want to have this conversation, Jo should lay it to rest, simple as that - he wasn’t entitled to Louis’ time like that, he had other obligations. “I … alright. But you better ask them sooner than later, I don’t want you to get hurt. Sorry for being overbearing. I just want the best for us both.” Which would be to call this entire relationship quits and live their lives right next to one another, just not together.

Josiah could hate himself all he wanted, it wouldn’t change anything - no outcome, no relationship, no weather. These things seemed to be set in stone from the very beginning, one that he didn’t dare interfere with, one he couldn’t lay his hands on. What did it matter? He disappeared back into his trailer before long, wistfully giving Louis a look as he staggered away, biting his bottom lip at the thought of what an idiot he was for not lending him a helping hand. Tiny, dry needles pricked the corners of his eyes as he stood there and thought a moment too long - crying was such an unpleasant experience and fighting tears back was even worse. In the end, it still wasn’t Jo that came to check on Louis after what felt like ages, the sun itself wandering across the horizon with every hour - Blair was the one that knocked at Louis’ door, before dusk, with some food in hand and enough splotches and spots all across his regular clothes that it became obvious that he’d been hard at work. “Louis? Can I come in?”, the tall man asked, though, if one were to judge his demeanor instead, he was but a branch shaking in the wind.

Louis could only nod. He didn't want to keep Josiah either, he just wanted to ask him for some help, that was all. He seemed unrealiable lately, but if Louis had asked anyone else, he would have only been more angry and besides, if Lucy and him didn't hide together, they were with the children anyway. Louis wasn't getting hurt either, he was already hurt, but he didn't want to argue with Josiah and it didn't matter either. "I'll get to it.", he told him, then finally turned around to leave. He went back to his trailer as promised, locked the door and lay down. Wasn't he lazy too lately? Blair and Jo made him rest, but he should be back on his feet by now. Instead he spent his time in bed, letting others do his work. Maybe the ringmaster would get tired of him if he refused to work. In the end he couldn't change anything anyway, so why should he keep trying? Trying to save someone only killed another...

Exhaustion forced him to sleep after all. A knock woke him up and he wrestled himself on his feet, then walked to his door and opened it. It was gloomy outside, but the sun was still up. It was simply cloudy all the time lately. "Blair...", he mumbled, then nodded, "Sure." Louis went in again to make room and sat down on his small table. He wasn't quite awake yet and he didn't feel much better either. His head still hurt and so did half of his body. An ice cold shiver had a grip on him. After all he felt like giving up, but he didn't even know how. It was selfish, for sure, but at the same time, there was nothing he could change about anyones life. Then again, he wasn't sure if he could even die, or if he'd end up like Roy. "Sorry...", he mumbled, looking up at Blair after realizing he'd been in thought for way too long. It was time to get ready for their guests soon too, but first he'd be forced to eat probably.

Blair wasn’t sure what it was that he was doing, or who it really was for - all that mattered to either of them was making sure Roy didn’t pose a threat, or maybe it was more akin to making sure the ringmaster had less power over them? Was that really it? A gaze at Louis’ long face, those sunken inn eyes and the forlorn look in his eyes, revealed nothing of essence and little of understanding, though, Blair hadn’t even opened his mouth to speak just yet. What a sight that was - how vulnerable even the mightiest of them could be. And why was it that, that this was what caused something to crop up in his mind, like a sprout spearing the soil its seed had been buried beneath forever ago? “L-Louis …”, he stammered, taken aback by his own boldness, if only in mind, not body, or action. Hell, he was such a wuss and what for? Nothing had ever improved for him, it seemed that even dying and coming back wrong was anything but the solution to both his shyness and wavering resolve - he’d never get anything done like that. Two.

Like a dog lead on a leash he shuffled into Louis’ trailer, keeping his head low and his posture bad, despite being aware the only thing he’d bump into were things his elbows could touch if he wasn’t careful enough. Was he clumsy? No, not really - Blair took up too much space, by his own admission, but trying to appear smaller than he was failed him many times before, despite so many comments about how easy he seemed to miss, even among a crowd of halfwitted children that he’d long outgrown. By now, he’d bitten his lower lip and set down the plate on the table that Louis had somewhat wordlessly led him to, only to take the seat opposite if him and gaze wordlessly back at that sullen expression. A shiver ran down his own spine as he felt the sliver of a touch at the nape of his neck, cold and ghastly, as well as purely imaginary. Surely. “W-what for? And what’s the long face for?”, Blair questioned, shoving the plate across the small wooden boards that called themselves a table. “Eating c-could help … or talking.”

Louis only now noticed that Blair looked a bit disheveled. He always did, in a way, as a child and now too. He'd always been alone, but kind of too old for Louis to consider striking up a conversation with him. At some point he probably looked up to him in awe, at all the ones older than him really. For quite some time, he'd been the youngest of them all too. What he took as stoic and cool, was probably someone shy instead, that didn't want to burden anyone with his troubles, but would have wished for a friend. Hadn't they all wronged Blair as he died all on his own, without anyone even noticing? A lot of them fell sick, but while Louis read Josiah some stories, Blair was left to die alone. Him not holding a grudge for it was strange, but in the end, maybe he was just happy to ahve someone to talk to finally, because he didn't get along with the rest of the ringmasters pets very well either.

Today seemed different though and Louis had been too consumed with himself to realize right away. The dirty shoes or clothes were nothing of note, the surroundings of the trailers and tent were always muddy and it had been raining quite a lot, but Blair seemed nervous, or shaken. He didn't usually stammer as much. "Is something wrong?", Louis asked, shoving his own problems aside. He was somewhat thankful for it and it was easier to worry for Blair than for someone that was still alive. It was probably terrible to think that. "Sorry, I've been... in thought." Louis looked at the plate Blair brought, then back up. "Did something happen? Did Roy do something?" Surely it had been noticed thath Blair spent some time with Louis and even though he was often overlooked, despite his height, he might have not gone completely unnoticed trying to help Louis.

Acting like everything was fine was the bread and butter of a circus, not just like theirs but really, anyones. Whoever could say if they took a gamble with the decision to wander around what felt the rims and outskirts of the world instead of being vastly stationary, or frequenting the same few towns and cities for night after night, or if they dodged a bullet by never getting too cozy anywhere, never straying too far to the suburbs of one of the larger cities, staying far out, so the twinkling lights in the distance were more akin to glinting stars in their glossed over eyes than the real ones could be? Blair bit his thumb, clearly a bundle of nerves for some reason he didn’t dare whisper onto the wind, but even the wind could turn from gentle to harsh at times, pelting whatever ammunition it could find among the gifts of nature, back into its recipients face. “Hm? A-ah, no … pay it no mind.” They were different, always had been. Why force himself onto Louises side, ask for his graces and friendship, when it wasn’t meant to be? Again, that ghastly touch followed, like a snake’s scales writhing against his touch, connecting with something he’d never actually intended to.

Blair felt sick, somewhere in the deepest parts of his stomach, despite not taking a morsel of food for himself, or rather, because of it. Scraps weren’t the issue, nor was some sort of shortage - it was self-imposed punishment for being who he’d never not be, right? “Wh-what are you thinking about?”, Blair mumbled, looking at Louis over the table and granting him a wry smile, weary enough to symbolize everything and nothing at all at the same time. There was neither need nor use for him to even attempt something as silly as a happy expression all day long; nobody would genuinely buy that Blair was a happy camper. “H-hm?” He looked up from where he sat now, almost determined to grab a spoon and feed Louis so he’d not ask any uncomfortable questions. The truth was, however, that him caring made Blair’s heart melt a little, as much as he hated to admit that he was so perfectly fine - would Louis nurse him back to health if Roy beat him up? No, Blair couldn’t ask that of him and besides, his body would fix itself in a matter of too little time indefinitely, until his undying death. “N-no, I’m fine… I just feel funny. Like something is watching.”, he sighed, unable to shake the feeling of pinhole needle eyes boring themselves into his neck.

Louis forrowed his brows. He always picked the ones trying to not be a burden, didn't he? Josiah was the same, rarely saying what really bothered him, at least he used to be like that. Maybe it was Louis fault for being so weak, obviously not able tocarry much more weight, but if Blairs demeanor had anything to do with Roy, it was very much Louis fault and responsibility. "You don't have to play strong. You've helped me plenty, now it's my turn. You can talk to me." He couldn't force Blair and even though it was easier to talk to him, that didn't mean there wasn't some force holding them both on a leash and stopping them if they tried to share too much. Louis felt bad for not even noticing anything happene to Blair, but he could change that now, couldn't he? He tried to catch Blairs gaze. His eyes always looked somewhat dull, but today his expression was different, as if he was scared of something and Louis couldn't shake the feeling that something did happen. He couldn't change his suspicions either. Maybe Roy forced Blair to do something for him and even if Louis maybe couldn't blame it, he needed to be weary.

"Nothing new.", Louis simply answered. His thoughts didn't matter and he loaded enough onto Blair already. He wondered if Blair meant what he said and how he acted before. As if he wanted Louis to win this battle he seemingly fought against the ringmaster, or someone or something else. Whatever it was, that made him neither alive nor dead. Was it out of spite? He couldn't tell, nor did it matter right now. Asking straight out what was wrong was the best approach for now. At this point Louis wasn't sure what was real and what wasn't. If undead demons could roam a circus, who was to say magic wasn't real, or potions, alchemists, angels. He was forced into a game he didn't know the rules of and Blair didn't neither, but Louis took what he said serious, maybe more serious than he needed to. "You don't look fine.", he pointed out, then got up to get a bottle of water he had stood next to his bed. He also found a glass in one of his shelves and poured Blair some to drink. He put it in front of him without taking his eyes off him.

Was it too much to ask for if he wanted to be left alone or was he making a big deal out of nothing? Blair couldn't exactly say he fancied having so much on his mind, but just like the things on his mind, some things never changed. Roy would continue being himself, no matter if he told Louis or not and Louis would try and fight his destiny - if one could call something as such a destiny - to no avail. There was no winner in a game of life, only disturbed individuals that, somewhere along the way, turned into gawking, watching husks of people that could no longer avert their watchful gaze from a game that they once played, try as one might to leave it be. "I-I'm not trying to be ...", Blair murmured, knowing himself to be anything but the enduring type at times. "You do plenty already and nobody ever asks you, you just take it when they start complaining too, aren't you?" Eerie as it was, the atmosphere and the overall demeanor in this circus rarely changed - perhaps it was like any other work obligation at times, where one would naturally start to complain after a certain amount of time, were they not given what they felt entitled to. This circus was no different, perhaps it was almost too human in its attempt to partially not be - they formed little groups and tried pissing on one anothers leg.

"Is it? I-I'd like to hear what it is if you want to share at some point, it doesn't have to be a long list or a single complaint. Just ... anything.", he clarified, not that it would change much. He knew that. Blair was well aware that Louis seemingly preferred to keep to himself and who was to blame a man that could talk to anyone he wanted, but definitely not to most of the kind that clung to him about very real issues that haunted the back of his overactive mind? If it came down to it, he wouldn't want to trade with him, not like this, not for a reason like that. There was simply nothing to be gained from the revelation that, no matter how hard he tried and whatever it was he did, he would never make a step in the right direction because the singular path there had been blocked off by something or someone that didn't want him on it. Was there any way to win? "Ah?" Was his face too pale? No, it always was, he definitely was anemic and the facepaint they all sometimes caked on was so starkly white that it didn't help his case either - pale eyes, pale skin, sunken in eyes, a wry smile, an uneven stance and the demeanor of prey that didn't know that it could fight back at any point in life. What a pain. "I guess it's not been that easy, but it's nothing to write home about. I just feel, I don't even know ... under the weather? Weary? Watched?", Blair summarized for Louis, not that it was any sort of help just yet. "I think the thing with Roy is also driving me nuts, there's no way he isn't doing something but ... he's not acting out of line. What about you?"

Blair hit Louis with the truth. He was taken aback for a moment, then furrowed his brows. "Because I couldn't tell anyone the truth anyway. And because they can't help me and... Because if they tried they'd get hurt and...", he paused. He didn't think he deserved any saving. Whatever he was didn't, he was cursed. Blair was different than Josiah though. He knew what Louis went through even though Louis himself was not like him, not yet anyway, whyever that was. Louis wasn't the best at unloading his problems, but at least when it came to Blair, he told him plenty. Maybe he was too trusting, but he desperately needed an ally, someone that understood him and someone he could talk to freely. In turn it was the minimum to lend Blair his ear too, especially since nobody did all this time. It was odd in a way though, Blair told him maybe he wasn't like Roy and the others yet, but he felt dull, like Louis felt during the shows. For him to be do shaken was therefor even more extreme.

"I'm just feeling powerless.", he explained the bare minimum. Nothing about giving up, nothing about being too tired and out of options to try anything. It was Blairs turn to talk. Louis sat back down opposite of him, slowly maneuvering his aching body. "Watched by whom?", he asked. Roy? The ringmaster always seemed to know what was going on anyway. "About Roy... Well, the ringmaster gave me a stern talk about what I did. Maybe he talked to him too, preemptively. Or maybe he's noticed you. Whether you tell me or not doesn't really matter, if the ringmaster asks you, you'd tell him what you saw. Maybe Roy just doesn't want to get into trouble... " It sounded logical, but Louis wasn't sure if he believed it himself. He mainly wanted to calm down Blair a bit. "You don't have to help me, if it gets you into trouble. You've already done more than enough."