bloodbound. (earinor & akira)

“They should. Your fall already was bad enough, but I don’t think you’ll have any lasting issues from it.” Or at least Yujin hoped Richard wouldn’t. While anything was possible, there was no need for him to play coy, no need for him to hide the truth, either - but it seemed like they were well along the road of recovery, even if it was a long one that Richard was so very used to, braving it one step at a time. Wasn’t it getting annoying? Always stuck on the same road, always walking down the very same path. “Maybe they can learn how to stir a pot or sew some garments, then.”, Yujin joked. Kittens weren’t capable of such feats, neither were cats and yet the mental image of the two of them stirring that pot together, trying to figure out how to sew was a funny one. “You do? And what if I say I like my bed soft and fluffy and overfilled?” He’d be lying. Yujin had a simple mattress in his, the solid frame of his bed still very much apparent beneath. There was nothing he could do about that, but he didn’t care - it was comfortable that way, even if he filled it with a Myriad of blankets and pillows, like an ocean of fluff to call his own. Perhaps he was on the soft side after all.

What surprised him was Richard mentioning his looks and Yujin, somewhat taken aback by the confession, couldn’t help but laugh. “I guess I’ll take some of my layers off more often, then.” At least until they got back to Adrestia, if that truly was where his lover wanted to be. Maybe being closer to his father and brother would help after all, even if Yujin couldn’t be terribly sure of it, it was likely still better than out here with just the two of them. “Meat won’t, either?”, he tried his hand at a dumb joke, not trying to hurt anyones feelings but most definitely pulling Richards leg quite a bit. Yujin just wanted him to feel at home, to relax and heal soon so they could go back to goofing around. The kitten that waltzed into the closet wasn’t an issue, not to him, he left the door ajar to make sure it could get out if it wanted to, even refrained from grabbing it and carrying it back to bed. They should see all of this place eventually. “I couldn’t find it, but I tried fishing it up a few times after it happened. I felt so bad, and I couldn’t even offer you a replacement. Do you have a similar one in Adrestia? I think you’re cute like this, but I liked your other clothes too.” Yujin walked back over to bed and held his hand out for Richard to take. “Do you miss it?”

"We'll see...", Richard sighed. He already had so many scars and old wounds he knew he'd feel for the rest of his life. He was lucky he still felt his legs. He was lucky he still felt anything, or maybe he was unlucky. Yujin was joking and Richard had troubles forcing a smile. He never used to even try the first time he met Yujin and now he was simply tired and beat. "I don't mind if you want to add to it.", Richard told him. More pillows and blankets certainly wouldn't bother him and it was Yujins bed too now. Richard simply wasn't ready to let go of it fully. His father made it. The only one he had left and he missed him so much. "Do you ever speak to your mother?", Richard asked. He didn't know his and he didn't know why he was thinking of her now. It was an arrangement, normal for Thrians, or that was what he was told at least. It didn't matter, she was a stranger and blood wasn't worth anything. Nayantai was his father and Dayan was his brother.

Richard looked at Yujin. "You should.", he kept it short. He wasn't in the mood for flirting right now. Maybe not anytime soon, after he just found back to himself a little. "I'll try and eat. We'll see. I can't eat only rice forever.", he told Yujin. He had to start somewhere and he needed to gather strength. It had been so long since he arrived here, it was time to stop being this weak. He wasn't going to let himself be defeated by a piece of rabbit. Yujin was still thinking about that coat? Richard mostly forgot about it. "It's one of many. Nothing special. If I wanted a new one, now, I could get one delivered here.", he replied looking at the fool in front of him. He took his hand. "What? Adrestia?", he asked. "I can never return to what I miss there..." Everything was just gone like smoke in the wind. Richard bit his lip, trying to fight back a sudden wave of grief and frustration. "I'm sick of being hurt and pushed around by men who think they own the world...", he whispered, his voice shaking as he lowered his head to hide his eyes behind his hair. "And I... I'm sick of everything always being about me. There is no room for you. You should have someone that listenes to your problems too..." Yujins pain, his family, his brother. Even when Richard tried to figure out what happened to Yujin, it was always for himself. Even now he was the one crying.

“As your doctor, or something close to that, I’m convinced you won’t have any lasting issues.”, Yujin more than approximated, trying to lighten both the mood between them and take a load of grief and worry off of Richards shoulders. That frown of his, the disappointment, it had never suited him, much like Yujins own clothes wouldn’t fit him now - they were vestments of a man embittered, shunned and hated for no reason at all, when he should be were venerated, beloved and exalted among his peers instead. Did he mine? No, of course not. “I’ll add so much, we’ll be touching the ceiling at some point. If you let me, that is.” When did Yujin ever mind? With stupidity came softness, like tall grass swaying in a late summer nights breeze, drained of both color and life by the exposure to a sickening summer sun, long deprived of any water to sustain itself. Come winter the earth, the blankets of snow, would reclaim that which once was and rewind the forward ticking clock, playing the same song and dance of birth, of life and then once death, all over again. Rinse, repeat - most of that had been his life. “My … mother?” Yet, a non-routine question could tear him apart just the same. “Sometimes. It’s weird, but I don’t have to tell you that, I doubt you think of your mother as your mother either. It’s a word that should mean something but doesn’t.” Not to him, but Richard made him think. Should it mean something? Should he talk to her more often, be happy she existed?

Richards answer sounded curt and Yujin left it be - it didn’t seem like he was attuned to have a conversation like that right now, not when he was likely in pain, which was to be expected. “That’d get bland and boring, I don’t think I could do it. How much do you want? Half a bowl?” He’d get one then and just share with Richard, let him eat his fill first and then eat the rest himself, that way they were saving themselves dishes or maybe it was more akin to wasting water by washing only one spoon and one bowl. Yujin’s head started hurting if he just thought about it, honestly. “It’s yours. The tatters, the wears, the imperfections and any attempt to fix it - it could’ve been your favorite for all I know. I’ll admit not all clothes are irreplaceable but if you have so little of what you’re used to, especially in a place so foreign, it feels depressing.”, he explained away, as if he owed it to Richard, who had long forgiven him. Yujin grew restless and more curious, especially when Richard took his hand - he scrutinized the man with his gaze, trying to pierce through the veil of fog that dulled his senses and shrouded him in secrecy. “Maybe someday.” Not today, tomorrow or the day afterward but someday, this side of life, not once the hourglass had splintered and spilled all sands of time onto the vast table beneath. “There’ll always be someone that thinks himself more important than you. We’re pawns on a board, but even the people that see us as pawns are nothing but knights themselves, and there’s people above them, too. It’s the unfortunate flow of all things, but existing outside of it, that sounds enticing, doesn’t it?”, Yujin chuckled softly as he squeezed Richards hand firmly, hearing his laments loud and clear. What a man he was. “You can’t have problems if you don’t remember them.” Even then, he could see Richard had his own regrets, lamented the ones Yujin couldn’t for him as well, to make sure his voice was heard somewhere, by someone, somewhen. “It’s alright. I’m quite hardy, I’ll endure even the harshest of winters … and besides, I have you. That’s more than I could ask for.” He leaned down and scooped Richard into a hug, careful not to hurt him, but not shirking the contact, running his hand along his lovers back. “Life’s not meant to be fair. We both know that.”

Yujin was always trying to be positive but that didn't make his words sound any more true. It didn't matter though. It didn't matter if he couldn't walk anymore or couldn't lift a sword, nothing mattered. He'd always been weak, like his father and maybe the world just put him in his place. Dayan always used to tell him otherwise too, told him he could do anything he wanted, but he was wrong. It was better for him to be king, someone strong, someone without any sickness. It was always meant to be. "Did you bring the pillow I made you? With the fur of the bear I killed?", Richard wondered. He knew Yujin still had it, but not if he took it with him. Yujin looked a bit perplexed upon Richard's question and he wondered if he said something wrong. "Mhm. I don't know my mother. But it doesn't matter, like you said." Richard just wanted to hold on to anything close to a family, but his mother never intended to keep him, she never wanted to be part of his life.

Richard didn't feel hungry but he nodded at Yujin. He knew he had to eat. "The coat was the first thing Nayantai could grab when we left. That's all." It wasn't important. Not really. It had been back then when Richard even refused to wear anything else, but those times were over. "Half my family is gone, they won't ever come back." Yujins optimism wasn't enough here. Richard didn't just miss the flowers and gardens, or the mountains and lakes, he missed hos family and how easy life had been. "There is nowhere to go though." Escaping reality was impossible and other people's reach didn't just end at their doorstep. Richard looked at Yujin. "But you do remember now.", he reminded him. Otherwise he wouldn't have started to talk about that coat. Richard shook his head. "But I don't deserve you.", he replied as Yujin already hugged him. Richard held on to him and burried his face in his shoulder. "When I slept with you I only did it because I thought maybe I could stop seeing my dead family. When I dragged you to the place where you've been attacked, I did it to distract myself. I left for my own selfish reasons and I came back just the same, waiting for you to pick me back up and when you were in pain and I told you about Xu and Quan I... I shouldn't have proposed to you. Or sleep with you. I never leave any room for you. For your pain, your leg, your memories, your feelings about Xu and Shuren... And I only ever helped you to figure things out because I wanted to distract myself... " Richard cried and sobbed in Yujins arms, again making it about himself. Richard hated himself for the longest time now, whether he projected it on everybody else or not and he felt like he was nothing more than an entitled prince. Yujin never asked for anything, he always put himself second and everyone, including Richard, took advantage of him. Quan was right.

What mattered to him? More importantly, why did Richard matter this much? Yujin wondered time and time again if it was worth the trouble he put himself through at times, if he was being too soft on the single man in his life that didn't pick some higher calling, be it their fathers, their lovers, their adversaries, over him, only to be reminded that Richard, too, was someone that let the desire for revenge cloud his judgement, his very being, once upon a time. Those times were long since over, had passed in the blink of an eye for him, considering most didn't involve him. "I'd be a fool if I didn't.", he remarked with a chuckle, unsure if it mattered that much to both of them. Was this, too, tangled in the sanguine thread of fate that interconnected them for the longest time now? Yujin thought the gods to be jesters, only believed in them when it suited his narrative despite claiming the opposite and even then, they seemed to be fickle, like flames from down below that kept licking and lapping at his ankles, trying to incite something in harm. "Do you want to ... meet mine?" What kind of offer was that? To walk up to a woman who ought to be a stranger and introduce her to a man that the son she barely could call one loved? If she cared for him, just a smidge, it would only break her already splintered heart. "I know Xu's mother better than my own. Spent years with her, father fancied her for her ability to speak this language, likely." Nothing else. His own mother, however? She was much like Richard in a way - the eyes of a doe, brown like an autumnal hue heralding the end of a golden summer, with freckles dotted across the bridge of her nose in fine splotches and hair blacker than the night itself - she didn't resemble him after all, not a smidge, aside from those eyes.

"I see. I just wanted to make sure. Now that I remember, I have my regrets. Not about us, though." Many of which he wanted to deal with, to stop feeling like an idiot and moreover, to iron out any sort of crinkles in that ridiculous life of his that was finally taking shape again, in some way. "I'm aware, but that doesn't mean you can't move forward. If they would want you to join them, they'd have claimed you by now." Richard was no lost toddler, no forgotten fragment of a bigger puzzle and yet, as inescapable as it all sounded, Yujin could but pat his back and tide him over, towards a more favorable outcome, with the sway of his words. "Maybe not right now, but there's plenty to see and do until then.", he stayed firm, trying to give optimism the benefit of the doubt, for the both of them, even if this version of him found it hard to stay as positive and carefree. Surely this, too, was a burden brought about by actually being shackled to reality and not living through it, one glimpse at a time. "And what of it? It's not like that changes my opinion on you." What a silly man he was, thinking of their relationship as a house of cards, caught as an interloper in the midst of a thousand currents, a wayward storm. Yujin pulled him closer, forced him to be in this hug now that he let lose of a barrage of what he understood as half-truths, at a futile attempt at making himself seem less admirable than he was and by the time Richards words ebbed, Yujin sighed and rubbed his back ever gently. "So?", he finally asked, sounding less than impressed, but unshaken. "Is that supposed to make me hate you, cast you aside, make me agree with how bad of a person you want yourself to be, or scorn you until death?" Worse yet, wish death upon Richard, maybe? "You know me well enough, maybe even better than I did, at some point. Some of these things may be true as you say them, but not all of them. What was it? Didn't you say you'd break me out, take me on a boat and sail away with me someday, show me the world or some part of it? When you came back, was that really what you thought of? And when you proposed to me, did you have any of those doubts? You left your room to run after Quan, to come here, kind of more involuntarily to right wrongs with my insane brother. Maybe all those things were to distract yourself, just as you say, but I think you're discrediting yourself, either to hurt yourself or because you're simply not feeling well. I'm no saint either, never have been. I can't fix you as much as I wished I could, but I can pour all my heart into making sure you're the man I still love, right now." Yujin squeezed Richard, giggled, even. "You'll be alright."

It was almost weird for Yujin to remember so much all of a sudden. Not that Richard was afraid of it, or wanted to keep him down like everybody else seemed to do, but he just didn't know him like that and there was a time where he relied on the fact that he'd forget him eventually. "Your mother? No.", Richard answered albeit listening to his explanation about Xu's. "Just a stupid thought I had... most of my family is gone after all, but nobody will fill that gap, much less a stranger that never wanted to be my mother and aside from that, I doubt that I could find her. Nayantai maybe knows her name, but that's probably about it." Richard was honest to himself and to Yujin, there was no point in finding a woman who's only connection to him was that she birthed him. Whether she did it because she gained something from it, or because she wanted to help his fathers didn't really matter. It was a Thrian, that was all he knew and frankly, he didn't need to know anything more.

"Maybe fait has a cruel way of keeping my family alive past their expiration date..." Rain lived longer than he should have and through much more than people thought he could. Nayantai survived horrors Richard now could understand, at least he thought that and he himself should have died on his journey back to Adrestia as well. All of them were always left behind, but in the end his fathers had a few happy years together, didn't they? Why did his sibings have to die though? It wasn't fair, they barely lived. When the truth spilled out of Richard, Yujin comforted him as always. "If I came back... which I didn't think would happen. If, I wanted to do that. But now I am back and I broke even that promise. I worked on that talisman for months too, but it was not the right moment. I'm sorry. Yujin... you're already doing way too much... always have. I can't even decide who I am and I have nothing to give you."

"Thinking about her or the life I've had if my fathers didn't want me after all involves all sort of mental gymnastics. It feels surreal knowing her sometimes, seeing her, realizing that I'm not what my father wanted of her at all, and yet, I do look like her.", Yujin explained his feelings away, alongside the awkward silence their conversation would be able to foster otherwise. Why was that? Was it his ability to remember things he shouldn't, all of a sudden, or were him and Richard just bad at keeping certain conversations alive past their expiration date to begin with? Either one of those options was likely the case. Yujin couldn't claim he was proud of himself for that. "Would you even want that? Someone that you don't know, yet share half your blood with? What if all that only leads to hurt? I'm the last person to discourage you, but we're the same in that regard." Wanted by one set of people, unwanted by a single person, in some way, at the very least. No matter how they tried to stack the cards against themselves, all they had was their imagination and a healthy dose of coping. Who knew, maybe their mothers both loved them unconditionally and would always accept them back under their wing - or perhaps they would rather their sons didn't exist at all. "Asking can't hurt." Never did.

"Fate? That's hardly ever something to trust. It's unpredictable, volatile and often cruel. Much like gods are, if you believe in those.", Yujin admitted, hardly knowing what it felt like to lose so many loved ones, all at once. Richard was different in that regard, almost cursed, just like he said - everyone around him seemed to die in an instant, almost as if their lives were worth less, more brittle, than his own could ever be. Richard himself, on the other hand, seemingly lived forever, through hardships someone like Yujin couldn't even fathom. Why would he? His life, up until now, had been mostly peachy - he wanted to keep it that way, after some adjustments, of course. Nothing stopped him from doing that, much like Richard wouldn't be able to at any point. "And? What are you expecting me to say?", he responded, his blunt on purpose, without any sort of emotional indicator attached to them. "Look, if I was interested in something like what I'd gain from marriage - a title, a piece of land, fame, fortune, whatever you want to call it - not caring if I loved the person or not, I'd marry Yin. I'm not marrying you because you were supposed to be king of another country, or for anything that title would hold. I'm not interested in something like that, after all, I don't have anything of my own to share, either.", Yujin laughed once more, leaned back and faced Richard, lost himself in those brown doe eyes he so admired and wished to call his own. Was he selfish for thinking that way? For wanting something after all? "I did this because I love you, memories or not. Fuck, I'll fish the stars out of the sky for you, or even the moon - whatever makes you happy. All of it will be yours, you just have to say the word. I got you into this mess, I'll patch it back up, too ... you opened my eyes, you know? Who knows what would have happened if I didn't remember after all. You're my guiding light, my savior, my everything."

"Because of your eyes? You have a lot from Shuren too.", Richard pointed out. He wasn't even sure if Yujin wanted to hear that, but it was obvious who's blood ran through his veins. Richard sighed and shook his head. "No I don't and as I said it was just a stupid thought I had for maybe a second." There was no point in finding a random woman who he didn't know and it wasn't like all his family was gone, he still had Nayantai and Dayan, even when they were far away. Despite them not sharing any blood with Richard, they were family, more so than the woman that gave birth to him. "I won't ask. Even if I wanted to know, which I don't, it would only hurt Nayantai." He'd make him feel, yet again, like he didn't want anything to do with him and maybe he'd think he wanted to replace him. Richard missed him and he wanted to talk to him, not to his mother.

Sometimes though Richard wondered what the point of living even was, especially if he was like he was now and when he only stumbled from one hardship to another. How long for his body to break down completely? Finally. He wondered why he even picked up that stone to defend himself against Xu. Yujin was an idiot and possibly the only reason Richard didn't do what Xu tried himself. "I'm not talking about land, or a title, or influence, Yujin. I can't even get out of this bed. I can't hunt, I can't help and I can't even let you touch me properly.", he replied, his gaze sharp. He was serious and he couldn't promise anything would change. If he was able to leave, he'd probably just go to that cliff and... He stopped his own thoughts, biting his lip. "I don't want any more than you already gave me.", he replied to Yujin. He knew he only meant it well, but Richard couldn't bare being this useless anymore and just causing him trouble. "Please stop." Richard couldn't handle that much praise, he didn't deserve it after all and Yujin went way too far.

"It was about the eyes to begin with.", he blurted out, like he was piecing together some fucked up puzzle only he could see. That sounded about right in hindsight, but Richards remark made him laugh under his breath all the same. "That's the first time I've heard I resemble him in a long time, you know." Not that Yujin terribly cared about something like that. Why? Denying he was his fathers seemed implausible and impossible, likewise, he had no interest in hiding who he was, now that he understood himself again as well. "Alright, alright. Sorry." No mother-searching, then? That was one less worry, one less thing he had to factor in and he understood why that would be a sensitive topic as well. His own parents seemingly didn't care and Yujin only remembered bits and pieces, felt more attached to Xu's if he had to pick to begin with and, in the end, even thinking about it didn't matter. "Why do you think that? I'm genuinely asking - I don't know your old man like you do. All I know about him is that he's considered a hero, kind of silent and that you miss him. Also, a bit scary, but that's probably his demeanor." Old dogs always learned new tricks if it suited them and it seemed like Richards old man was capable of such things at a whim. Yujin was scared of him, though - Shuren probably was as well.

Richard instead went on about the same old - the topics he was sore about, the worries he'd ingrained within himself and told himself that Yujin would mind, over and over again, without a moment of rest. Why, praytell, did he have such overactive imagination? Yujin shook his head. Incapable of touching him too much, though he squeezed his hand, gently, to not upset anything else within Richards delicate and quite tender body - his brother had done a number on him for sure. What a bastard. "It bothers you, I understand that. But it doesn't bother me - you don't have to feel bad about these things, or think you're hurting me, my ego, or depriving me of something. Look. I know how our relationship started, how it's been so far, but that was more than a year ago and we're both not even twenty. Things change. My feelings for you haven't, they've haunted me ever since you came here and something like that won't make me fall out of love with you. I'm not saying it's the easiest thing, but it's easier than anything you've been through.", he assured Richard once more, as if that was the only thing he could do. Wasn't it anyway? "You know me. Nothing I give you is wasted and there'll be a time when you want more. Are you saying this because you think you don't deserve this?", he inquired further, tilting his head to the side like a confused dog, trying to parse its owners foreign command. What was it Richard really wanted of him, if not the obvious? "Alright, alright. I will. Apologies." Yujin eyed Richard for a second longer, then sighed. "Hungry?"

"I'm jelous... my father, his father and his grandfather, my siblings, even Dayan, they all have blue eyes and I am left with these. I always felt left out, as if I don't belong...", Richard mumbled, then sighed. "But I don't need to tell you this. You are surrounded by people who don't share yours at all." There were other people, neither Thrian, nor part of Richards family you sported all sorts of eye colors. Out here? No one had blue eyes like Yujin. Still, Richard always felt off about it and he never felt like he deserved the throne. Now Dayan had it and it was probably for the better. Richard looked at Yujin. "Is it? Because everyone tries to forget that you are his son and Xu is not? It's pretty obvious." Lies were common out here as much as in Adrestia. Sometimes everyone knew something, but nobody dared to say a thing. Like the glances they shot Dayan, sometimes Richard too, for they knew about his mother, but nobody would ever claim neither of them belonged, not allowed, not to them, or anyone near them. At least the topic of his mother was done. Richard sighed again thinking of Nayantai. "He blames himself for what happened... not just with me." Did he even tell Yujin? Richard had been so focused on what happened in that awful place, he kind of forgot all about the revelation both of them had. But Richard never cared, he never blamed Nayantai. It wasn't him, he was just a puppet, much like that man tried to get something similar out of Richard. And maybe he succeeded. "I couldn't remember... I had a face in front of me this whole time, someone to blame, someone I wanted to kill, but my brain was playing tricks on me. It was he who killed Flora and Atwick, and who almost killed Dayan and me too... I told him it's not his fault and I know he wasn't himself, but I doubt he listened. I can't imagine how he feels and... when we last spoke I couldn't stop myself from being scared of him too. That's why I needed to write that letter to him..." Nayantai didn't hate Richard, but he very much thought he'd be better off without him. That wasn't true...

Richard let out another deep sigh. His hands grabbed the blanket, clenching down and trying to keep himself together. He troubled Yujin enough. There was nothing good they could talk about it seemed. Richards life fell apart and no matter what he tried he couldn't fix it. He felt alone and helpless. He'd always been, no blade, no matter his training or skill, could fix it. He only made it worse and it would have been better to never poke around and learn the truth. Who did he even kill, if they weren't responsible for what was going on at all? He looked up to Yujin, who'd always try to stay by his side and help him, protect him even, but was that enough? Richard still felt imprisoned, a knife at his back every breath he took. All of Yujins love wasn't enough to fix anything. "You don't deserve this. Being roped into all of this mess." Yujins family had enough troubles on their own and Yujin deserved to be free of them, but how could he be with all the weight Richard put on him? "I'm sorry, I know you don't want to hear this." Even by being honest about all of this he troubled Yujin, who rather ignored his own well-being to be there for Richard. He wasn't hungry, but he nodded anyway. He'd have to eat eventually.

“These? Your eyes?”, Yujin reached out to brush away a strand of strawy hair and tuck it behind Richards ear. His hand - his knuckles - lingered on the other man’s temple, as his own gaze lingered on his, two chestnut-colored marbles and the object of grievance. “So what? Who said wolves have to look one way, or sheep another? Do you feel any less close to them because of your eyes? If anything, you look just like the sum of their love, I’m sure.” Myriad’s late king was not a man Yujin had witnessed and Thria’s ever-fearsome hero of yore a speckle of dust at the forefront of his mind, a faceless creature closely related to the one man he’d ever truly loved. “To me, you’re you and I love you dearly. In fact, I think you understand me better than anyone else ever would - and appearances are just that, some things can be changed, others not so much.” Richard could train, fight, eat well and he’d be up and about in no time, but his eyes would never be blue, just as Yujin’s would never be brown. What a letdown life could be. “Yes and no. Everyone knows Xu isn’t his, but I’m too dense for the job now … I don’t know why and thinking about it gives me a headache.”, he explained, unsure of himself, his feelings and his ill-begotten understanding of his life, one that he feared he’d loathed not that long ago. Yujin lowered his hand and listened intently, knowing Richard was not trying to be difficult - wallowing in one’s feels was but a part of life, something he understood rather well nowadays and yet, it hurt to see Richard like this. Then again, when wasn’t he hurting? Yujin bit his lip and stilled his thoughts as he banished the thought - he was content listening to Richard’s sorrow, struggles and suffering all the same. Only then did he speak up again himself. “That’s … a lot.” New, too - nothing he’d heard before. “You … can still forgive him? Do you want him here? Who am I kidding, you look like you’d rather have him here. I’m sorry, you’d better not blame yourself for any of this, you hear?” Easier said than done, surely. “How about I check for letters at the castle and port tomorrow? I’m sure he should have sent an answer by now.”

Yujin could only tide Richard over, not mend of all of the pain he felt - maybe that was fine too, after all, the two of them had only one another and who, their kittens? He’d never trust another human again if he could avoid it, were he honest. Whereas his own thoughts weren’t forgiving, Richard clung to the last man he had in his court - the only thing akin to parental love he could still feel and something, or maybe everything, about the earlier statement seemed to have choked him up. Seeing him like this hurt, even if his former self was another blur wandering through the vast field of ice floes in Yujin’s ever expanding mind, one he’d never catch up to now. This one, the non-blurred version, was more than fine however - he needed some extra love, something he seemed to lack; thankfully, Yujin was overflowing with just that. Without asking he extended his arms wide, pulling the smaller, slightly trembling figure into a hug and into his embrace. Once more did he run his fingers along Richard’s back, gently tracing no pattern in particular. “But I’m right where I want to be - by your side. It’s in sickness and health, no matter if the ratio is even or not.” When would Richard finally understand that? Yujin sighed at his idiocy, or perhaps at his own insistence of never living a life outside of his own ever again, to simply be there for someone that wasn’t even sure if he wanted him to be. “If you never tell me about your feelings that wouldn’t be fun either. You needn’t apologize, not for anything, do you understand?” Actually, Yujin had a feeling he’d just agree to anything to get him off his back - ah, well, what else? Before long, they’d surely have this conversation again and he’d try his earnest to get Richard to relent and open up more, but today, he’d not fight him on any of it. “Are you sure you’re fine with me getting yo to get you food? I could carry you there.” Would Richard want to leave his room?

"It's not about sheep, their eyes come in many colors anyway, but my family always had blue eyes... But I guess you're right.", he answered. Not that his eyes looked anything like Nayantais either, they were brown, yes, but his fathers were dark and Richards were not. He sighed. "I think you had it harder than me. There is Adrestians with all sorts of colored eyes, blue, green, brown, it doesn't matter. Out here there is barely someone who doesn't have dark eyes and hair." And thus they both stuck out, Richard even more so probably and he hated it at the start. Now he figured he had much bigger problems than the color of his hair. Richard looked up at Yujin. "But you said you remember more now and your brain is less foggy. Not that you have to take over this place if you don't want to. What about your sister?" Yujin seemed like he wanted anything but a crown on his head. Much like Dayan, especially after he'd been told Richard would be king one day and not him. Was he upset about that? That he now had to take over and take care of the mess that Richard created? With all that happened, Richard was to blame for so much and once he told Yujin, of course he jumped to an opportunity to at least help. "It's not his fault, I don't know what that Olettian scum did to him, a long long time ago, but they still held control over him somehow. It's not like he wanted to hurt us... if anyone is to blame then it is them.", he made clear. Was he the only one who didn't see any blame with Nayantai? "You don't have to go back there for my sake... I know you could barely wait to leave." Yujin had his ow troubles and was mad at his father, as well as his brother, who both still resided there.

Yujin was pulling Richard into a hug, the movement hurt, actually, everything hurt all the time, but he appreciated the gesture. "We didn't marry yet.", Richard reminded him, no matter if they exchanged talismans. At best they were eloped, but even that seemed like a far away dream and Richard didn't want to commit to anything, until he didn't have his life somewhat in order, until he was more than just a burden. "I'm just... so much work... Nothing seems to go right since..." Since his father died. He'd just drag Yujin down with him eventually. He shut up for now and nodded slightly. "I'd rather not move... everything already hurts enough.", he answered. Half his body was covered in dark blue bruises. It wasn't the worst he felt like, but he rather remained in bed for the time being. "I'm tired, but I don't want to sleep. Maybe after dinner, you could just read something to me? Or tell me a story?"

“Even if I am, you still care a great deal about yours, like I do about mine. To me, you’re beautiful like this, but I get the insecurity, too. Is there anyone who had similar eyes in your family?” It went without saying that he’d always listen to Richard and take his concerns seriously, something Yujin would never miss an opportunity for to mention. Taking away whatever they had from one another didn’t seem like a brilliant idea, even if it was a deep-seated fear over anything else. “Harder than you? I doubt that. Would anyone have seriously gotten on my case about them, my fathers would have squashed them like bugs. Besides, it’s painfully obvious whom I share blood with, if you think about it for a little too long.” Without a fan available to him, Yujin did a dramatical tilt toward the back, holding the back of one hand to his forehead while he fanned himself with the other for air. What an immature asshole he could be. Whence their talk got more serious again, he immediately dropped the act and shook his head gently. “I have a hunch that I’ll never remember it all, and that the person I was or am supposed to be is gone. It’s better that way. My sisters are both too young and my father won’t abdicate unless he’s dead in a ditch, that’s why I’m not worried.”, Yujin explained himself away, well aware how selfish that all must sound. Running away was still an option, even now, and rather attractive one as well. Too bad he’d never say yes.

“Are you not at all resentful of your old man? Not even a tiny bit? … I’m not trying to be mean, or trying to manipulate you into changing your mind, I just didn’t take you for the type. Well, now I do, but back then.” Back then was, when Richard was actively venomous to the man he shared this abode with, which Yujin even now barely recalled. The concept of such a time was present in his mind, like a few stone bricks hastily laid out and stacked in neat rows, forming basic walls and a fundamental structure - and then, the next wind would come and knock it all over, while ruining everyone’s hard work. “Doesn’t mean I don’t want you to get letters from someone you do care for so deeply.”, he chuckled, eager to be able to just elbow Richard a little - for now, Yujin refrained, carefully peeling himself off of Richard as he complained of the pain; how could he disregard that? Yujin truly was the same idiot, even now. “And I don’t mind waiting until the end of my days.” He’d say it, time and time again - it didn’t matter how often. If they’d never officially tie the knot, it wouldn’t matter that much to him either, Yujin told himself. Being by Richards side, as cheesy as it sounded, was enough. “You’ve never been, not to me. You need some love, but everyone does. I’m just sorry I can’t fully ease your pain, but to be honest, taking that pain from you also wouldn’t be fair. It’d be like what I went through.” Nothing to write home about, or truly be happy over. Yujin gave Richard but a wry smile. “Sorry, I didn’t mean to make it worse. See? My brain’s still not fully working.”, he answered, sounding apologetic, much as always. At least Richard tried to brighten the mood and Yujin was thankful for that, too - he grinned like an idiot. “Let me go get the food and I’ll read you something after. You probably know all my stories way too well, must’ve told you the ones I remembered a hundred times.” Getting their food in two bowls with two spoons didn’t take long anyway - he came back before long and already got a little more comfortable, like he wasn’t the one that needed to do the dishes after.

"Not on Rains side." Richard had wanted to show Yujin so much in Adrestia, they could have visited the estate in Fhaergus and he could have seen all the family portraits. Now Richard wasn't sure if he could ever return there. Richard looked at Yujins impression of his father and he was sure it was fairly obvious he was his fathers son as well, no matter the color of his eyes and yet, the more he thought about it, the less he felt like they were related at all. Maybe it was due to the fact that he felt uprooted and thrown out here, maybe because he felt better here than there, as if he was made to be in far away Thria, not in Adrestia in a castle. In a way this was where Nayantai belonged too, was it not? Richard wasn't sure if he would have chosen this place if Rain would have been able to live here and wasn't being made king despite never wanting to be. Richards whole body hurt, not only from his fall, it felt more like his soul tried to reject everything about him. His bloodline had been in Fhaergus for many, many generations, now he was neither there, nor in Adrestia at all. He felt like he lost everything his family built. Of course Dayan was part of that family too, despite being Nayantais son by blood. Was Richard jelous? No, that wasn't it at all, it just elt like he abandoned his duty, his name and his blood, now that he could have theoretically gone back and taken residence in Fhaergus. It seemed however that he'd only cause trouble for Dayan if he was going back, with a maybe more attractive choice for a king in Richard, who was meant to sit on that throne. Besides, the death of Luciens father was pinned on Richard as well and even though he would have had good reason to kill him himself and it having been his plan all along, it wasn't something the nobility of Adrestia would easily forget. "Sorry, I...", he apologized, his heart beating in his chest as he reminded himself that he was having a conversation with Yujin and that it was rude to just stop listening to him. Why did he not just let Xu kill him in that moment?

"Hm?", he asked after once again not paying attention to Yujin as much as he should. "No.", Richard answered. He remembered the story his father told him about the scar on his shoulder, when an arrow almost killed him and it had been a Thrian who shot it. He remembered what he told him about the things happening in Olette, despite it being a very child friendly version and he remembered the glance he shot Nayantai when he explained. "What if he didn't answer?", Richard asked. Maybe he rather didn't know. Richard averted his gaze, wondering if he wouldn't prefer to forget everything, he could barely breath. Wasn't he doing better? Why was he doubting himself now? Why was he feeling like he was drowning, didn't he move past it all? He'd started talking again, smiling, laughing, loving Yujin. What changed that tore him apart now? He thought surviving Xu's assault proved to him that he wanted to live, that he didn't lose all his strength. "No, it's fine...", he mumbled half-heartedly, still stuck in his own head. Yujin left for a little while and Richard wiped away some tears he didn't want to show. When Yujin came back Richard put his head on his shoulder. "Nayantai and I built some graves for our family over by the cliff. Can you help me there tomorrow?", he asked, unsure if he could even make it there in his current state. It wasn't far from here, but he could barely move. He was such a burden on Yujin... The knot in his throat wouldn't leave. "I'm sorry, can you just hold me?" His voice was but a whisper, breaking despite his efforts.

“All just blonde with blue eyes? No greens, no greys? What about Nayantai’s side?” Richard had mentioned his brother having different colored irises, not like a typical wolf would, but Yujin had never met anyone in his lovers family outside one father he could barely recall any feature of. Over him, a tall, imposing shadow with nary a smile loomed - instead of two eyes, there was but one with a hidden glint, sharp and all-knowing, despite the many years that had passed since he last seemed to need all of his five senses in unison. Trying to imagine that one man, someone with an infinite well of patience and love for but one son, only awarded Yujin with the image of a terrifying shade, draining all color from himself. Was it weary, that one eye of his? Slouched, his ever present posture? Worrying for nothing, he smiled at Richard, much like he always did. “You did nothing wrong.”, he responded, gentle like dry grass in a summer night’s warm wind. Regret would only fester if he let it, much like the seeds of a plant would sprout, if only they could take root in the soil beneath. Philosophical pandering wouldn’t help this very situation, no matter if Yujin enjoyed it or not.

“Figures, you’re much more mellow. Were you anything like this before I ever got to know you?” Solemn and brooding, short on words and even shorter on tolerance for things that weighed heavy on his soul. Picturing Richard as a sickly, frail and shy crown prince didn’t suit him, not that Yujin could ever see the man he loved as a stranger like the one he described, and yet, it suited him in a way. Then, what was he like? Would he tell or would Yujin find out? Why did he want to? He barely knew himself, which was what made him shift his focus to people like Richard - and now that he was regaining some of his memories, he was still doing the same. “And what if he did and is waiting for another answer from you?” Blind optimism was bound to set them up for failure, although he had to admit that the banter they shared was lovely. “And even if he hasn’t, checking won’t hurt. You don’t think he’d abandon you, I know you.”, Yujin shook his head as he simply assumed, much like he always did when he was running out of rope to continue up the metaphorical mountain he was climbing without taking proper precautions. Right now, all he was good for was to be there for Richard and support him, and thus, he should do but that, he’d figured. “You don’t have to pretend it is for my sake.” Making him smile, try to go outside, or just eat a little was more than enough and his love was the sole reward he’d ever asked for - it worked out well for the two of them, especially when they shared a little intimacy like now, with Yujin using the opportunity to lean his own head against the blondes. Richard seemed eager to brave the world he’d shut out before, maybe just this once, or perhaps yet again, in smaller steps. “I’d love nothing more than that.”, he’d whispered in response. Before getting much of a bite in, Yujin already put the bowls aside, on the little bedside table - he spread his arms wide and pulled Richard into a hug, both tight and tender, rubbing his back in kind. “Mhm, always. Just relax.”

"No, as long as the records show." Records of the whole faily tree and portraits of some generations. Richard never expected to actually take Yujin to Adrestia and show him Myriad or Fhaergus, he always knew he'd go back alone and never return. That didn't work out, but it still seemed Richard was stuck here. "Nayantai and his father have much darker eyes than me. My aunt too, besides we're not related anyway." Dayan didn't share their eyes either, his were green, which kind of fit nowhere as well. They never really cared, always felt like brothers and Richard missed his former life that had been so easy. "I'm not paying attention to you...", he refused, he should apologize and he rather wasn't stuck in his own head all the time. He was tired, tired of this life and despite Yujin being here with him, he felt alone out here. Was he homesick? Possibly, but it was only one of many problems he had.

"I... I don't know. It's all so distant now and I don't think that Richard survived the attack... I was just some Adrestian noble, Dayan had always been the more brazen one, but we both went on adventures, rode out, visited different places, friends, caused some ruckus when either of us got hurt because we were careless." Now he wished he would ahve spent more time at home with his fathers, instead of looking forward to the next trip or sneaking out late at night because the castle felt too boring. "Did enough time pass even since I sent that letter? Ships take forever from here to Myriad..." Richard wasn't sure if Nayantai would answer. If he could wish for something he'd wish he just came back here and lived here with his son, but he also understood him wanting to spent time with Dayan whom they both abandoned back in Adrestia. They barely have had the chance to talk about how he faired in the aftermath of the attack. Yujin took the bowl out of Richards hand before wrapping his arms around him. Richard held onto him and closed his eyes. He wished Yujin would be enough for him, but it felt like he wasn't. Maybe things would look different the next day.

One year ago he‘d have tried to steal Richard away from the mountain of solitude he‘d been confined to, whispered sweet nothings into unreceptive ears and promised him to improve his mood to turn that sour frown of his upside down. Fortunately, time moved in odd increments and Yujin was crafty, both in heart and mind, having gained better understanding of that very someone that was both appalled by the transient nature of the life surrounding him and the inevitability of the world never stopping its course for anyone, not even him. Dragging Richard along never had been easy, but neither was stopping to stay with him as the currents and flow of time would rip them apart - he‘d never asked for anything much in return, as long as he this very man to call his own and dote on, all over again. “You’re going through a lot, blaming yourself isn’t going to fix that. And I can’t blame you for being up in your head, all that matters is that you’re comfortable and know that I love you.”, Yujin whispered as he cuddled up to Richard, perhaps sounding a little too eager, or maybe just the tiniest bit too lenient. He truly loved him with all his heart, he always would. “You miss him and your old life, don’t you? And who knows, checking can’t hurt.”

They had drifted off to sleep and some point, but Yujin rose remarkably early, peeling himself off of Richard after a while and leaving him to cuddle with the kittens that had wedged themselves between the two of them for warmth - he took care of yesterdays dishes and made some light breakfast, for both Richard and the kittens. He’d kissed him on the forehead, only to inform him he’d be going to the harbor now and he’d be back before long - Yujin made sure to keep a tight ship and not waste time, even if he badly wanted to. There wasn’t a soul he could see this early that he’d genuinely cared for, but he doubted that his friends, with plenty of idiotic ideas, would ever be out this early - he missed them, if only a little. As he thought about them, Jia and Hua especially, he’d already grabbed some stuff from the markets, traded and paid for them and then checked in with an adrestian ship that was anchoring - ironically, they even had what he was looking for: A crumpled, ink-stained envelope, addressed to Richard. Yujin had wanted to take his time, but instead of doing so, he ran all the way home, forgetting to take bites out of the apple he’d gotten for breakfast. However fast his legs carried him, it didn’t matter as he burst into their home, barely remembering to close the door behind him - his hair was disheveled, whereas his clothing layers hung halfway off his body in multiple areas. “Letter!”, he excitedly called out, albeit muffled by the apple he’d still held by his teeth - he just stood over Richard, beaming and breathing a little heavy as he held out the envelope.

Richard fell asleep in Yujins arms eventually. He felt so bad for putting this much weight on him, for being always in his head, for being unable to enjoy the time with him and do something together that he might like to do. He didn't even know if there was anything that he wanted, Yujin would never suggest anything he wasn't sure of if Richard would want it too. How many months had he spent here taking so much time and effort from Yujin and now that they were out here alone, would he even consider meeting his friends for a while if it meant Richard was left behind? He didn't mind some time alone, even though maybe he should. In Adrestia as well as here he was almost killed and while he'd been so terrified before, maybe it toned down because rather than wanting to live, maybe he'd just accept it if he died eventually. Dayan was still here, he wasn't alone, but he was out of reach. He was so far away and they both seemed like completely different people even though only a year had passed.

Richard woke up with a steaming bowl of rice and some egg next to him and looked up at Yujin who told him he'd go out to the harbor for a bit. Richard nodded and soon after fell back asleep. He didn't have a chance to touch the food before Yujin came back, seemingly excited, waving an envelop in his hand. Richard slowly sat up, his body still ached all over. He mustered a smile. "Calm down.", he told him and stretched out his hand to take the letter from Yujin to open it. In the envelop were two letters in different hand writing, the first one was from Dayan and Richard read it carefully. He had written to him as well, told him how he did better, at least he did when he sent his letter. Richard furrowed his brows and looked up at Yujin. "Did your father write to my brother?", he asked, not sure how else he could explain what he just read. "He says he's coming here to get me. Apparently he wants me to stay in Fhaergus for a while." Could he bring Yujin? Did Yujin even want to leave? "I'm... I'm sorry this is very sudden." Dayan apologized for everything that happened here, but he didn't have to and didn't he overreact a little? Well he was happy to be seeing him, maybe they could talk it out. Richard turned to the other letter, but he couldn't read it. "Could you read this one to me? It has to be from Nayantai."

Yujin had thought he’d changed for the better, had made a difference and had become an entirely new person, only to still react with the same glee and the same excitement he’d always mustered whenever something worth the effort came up. Would he ever grow out of that kind of behavior? He sincerely doubted it, though he couldn’t help but feel as if that had only been natural, given his stupid disposition to forget even the most important things - Richard was the one making waves in that shallow pond of his mind and perhaps, without him, being easily excitable for little to no reason would still be all that he had going for him. “Alright, alright!”, he relented as he forked over the envelope, his look a pleading one. If Yujin were an actual wolf, he’d have a tail that’d be wagging right now and if Richard were any less excited to hear from his father, he’d probably read it to Yujin, too - there was no harm in not doing it, even if that meant he stood still and waited anxiously for any kind of reaction, no matter if it were good or bad, he’d make do.

Taking a deep breath while trying to appease Richard, Yujin did his earnest to calm down and tried to keep a straight face, refrain from asking stupid questions and - better yet - made sure he wasn’t getting too nosy by leaning closer. Thankfully, Richard spoke up soon enough and he tilted his head. “I didn’t see him, so I can’t say for sure, but I suppose?” How would he even get that letter to Myriad that fast? Actually, Yujin didn’t feel like knowing these things - if his old man wanted to make a mess of things, then he could and if Richards brother wanted to get involved, then he could as well. Unfortunately, it didn’t seem like that’d be as easy. “He’s coming to get you?” Alone, all alone? Yujin furrowed his brows, knowing he’d never had even thought of letting Richard go again. That still hadn’t changed. “You don’t need to apologize - what are you even apologizing for? Do you want to go home with him?”, he inquired, unsure if he sounded annoyed or simply confused. Either way, Yujin couldn’t actually say whether or not he was having fun with this, especially when he had to question whether or not Richard would be taken from him again … well, he could defend him this time, seeing as it wasn’t of his own volition. “Huh?” Before Yujin could even think about complaining, another letter was foisted upon him, leading him to squinting his eyes at it - what on earth was that? “This is shorthand … silessian?” He sat down at the edge of the bed and raked his eyes over the lines, furrowing his brows more and more, before finally making some progress. The handwriting itself was scraggly, the paper had seen better days and there were some corrections amid the paper, something that he should expect and yet … Richard’s father seemed more beast than man for sure. “Son dearest, I apologize for writing you like this and for not coming with you. Rest assured that I love you, always have and always will, and that I wanted to come with you, too. I couldn’t and I fear I can’t tell you in this letter why, but I can tell you that not a day goes by that I don’t miss you and pray to the gods for your wellbeing. I, too, tried to patch things up with Dayan in earnest, to have him open his eyes, but he seems to be blind to some truths, or shun them outright - one step forward feels like two or three back at the same time. Once more I’ve made but countless mistakes, ones I am atoning for, but I can’t help but feel that sending you to Silesse by your lonesome was wrong. How do you feel? Are you eating and sleeping? Is Yujin still nice to you and keeping you company? I miss you terribly, even though I have no right to - I’d like to apologize, even if you cannot find it within yourself to forgive me. I’m sorry, Richard.” Yujin held out the paper after he was done reading, only to show Richard a rather smudged passage on the other side of the paper. “Can’t read that.” The ink had bled into the paper a little bit too much.

While Richard read in silence, Yujin came closer, trying to peek at what Richard was reading and eventually Richard grabbed his hand to pull on it, so he'd just sit down on the bed with him. "He's apologizing for sending me here... I assume he wrote a letter to your father too? It seems he's already on his way." It would still take some time for him to get here, but surely there had to be some preperations made if the King of Adrestia visited. He needed a room, probably wanted to stay here a few days, so he needed food and despite Dayan being half Thrian as well, he probably was a bit cold if they stuck him just anywhere. Maybe Richards room? How would it look if Richard and Yujin stayed here instead? Probably not good. "Yes, I don't know why he comes here himself, he could have just told me to get on a ship, but I mean I'm glad to see him?" Maybe Dayan just missed him too and wanted to see him sooner rather than later. It didn't seem like he was asking if Richard wanted to come back home though, then again last time they saw each other, Richard could barely decide anything for himself. "I guess for my brother being this rash. I... well I miss him and my home lately. I'd like to speak to my father as well." Richard sighed a little. "I'm not really sure who I am supposed to be. My brother is king, I thought I'd only cause him trouble if I stayed in Adrestia, since it should have been me sitting on the throne. Not that I want it, but I'm not sure Dayan wants it either." Was it okay if he just took over Fhaergus instead? Was that the plan? It had been in their family for hundreds of years, maybe he was better suited to rule there anyway, but Richard didn't even think of ruling anything anymore since the attack.

Richard looked at Yujin for the other letter that confused him more than anything else. Was he talking about Lucien? Besides, there was nothing to apologize for and Richard needed to have an honest talk with his father about all that had happened. He took the letter from Yujin looking at the passage Yujin was unable to decipher. Did he cry when he wrote this? And why the hells did Dayan give him only one singular piece of paper to work with. All of this sounded not good and maybe Richard needed to come home either way. The paper weighed heavy in his hand and he still wrecked his brain over it. "Would it be too much trouble if you transcribed this for me so I can read it?", he asked, wondering if all made more sense if he could carefully read it again and again instead of relying on his memory. Richard slowly leaned back, resting his bruised body carefully against the pillows again. Was there reason to worry about Dayan? Why did Nayantai write his letter like this? On second thought Richard wondered if Dayan came because of Richards letter rather than what happened here. He told him he was doing good, the only thing he added was that medicine Yujin took, asking if anyone knew anything about it. Maybe he shouldn't have done that. Richard grabbed Yujins hand just to hold it.