bloodbound. (earinor & akira)

Richard didn't know if he was any good at telling stories, he probably didn't tell it as good as his fathers. It was a lovely story, their whole lifes were struck by hardships, but in the end it all ended in both of them being together. Rain had picked Nayantai up when he was down on the floor and Nayantai did the same for Rain, quite literally. From the moment they met they weren't apart again for long and now Richard wondered how Nayantai felt. Richards father was never supposed to have a long life, everyone knew that and he often enough was sick. When Richards grandfather died Rikiya was devastated, everyone was, but in the end he did have a long life, a good one in the end, but Richards father was barely old enough to die and it sent a lot of things in motion, leaving Richard out in Silesse now. Richard lost his brother, which was hard enough but Nayantai lost the only man he truly loved way too soon and on top of that his son was dead too, two of his sons and one daughter, they barely lived their life. It was no wonder he didn't want to talk to anyone and it didn't surprise that he too seaked death and the only thing holding him in this world was probably Richard.

The blonde pulled the wolf closer, he needed a hug himself. The story was beautiful, Richard liked thinking about it, but in the end it also reminded him of too many things. "I don't know if you heard about that, but... my father was sick. I know you know that, but because of that he never left his house for over twenty years, not once. It wasn't much bigger than your castle. In the end however, he left his house, his country and even Adrestia. I mean... you're not as sick as he was. You'll be able to leave too and travel to Adrestia or anywhere else you want to be.", Richard mumbled. Rain was forced out of his home, but still he left and he survived much longer than he should have, much longer than all the doctors gave him, even longer than the priests did. "He's prove that truly no one can tell you what you can and can't do.", Richard concluded and not only pressed his forehead against Yujins, he also slightly touched his nose with his own. "I'll take you as far as you want..." For some reason he hated to see Yujin locked up like that as if he was a bird, stripped off his wings.

For once it was alright that Yujin didn't remember what he heard of Richards parents and what not, because Richard probably heard about Shuren and Muhan as well, but he barely could remember anything and the faces were unfamiliar and not fitting the stories Richard made up in his head. When he saw them for the first time, he didn't even know who they were and when he thought about it now, he barely could remember some stories about his father and Shuren who left the fighting for someone else, for their lovers, Nayantai and Muhan. Oddly enough his grandfather stayed with both of them as well, let Rikiya fight, although he'd be the one with countless years of war training, but maybe he didn't want to fight his own kind. Maybe he just wanted to see his son save as well. His own kind... whoever Rikiya fought it was his own kind, or not? What about Richard? Who was his kind? Where did he belong to? For some reason he also asked himself if Dayan always felt as alienated as Nayantai as long as he stayed in Adrestia. He was a wolf amongst sheep and Richard was neither, he didn't know which way was better. But he also knew that his family never cared and he also knew that Yujin didn't either.

It was weird for Richard to be the one that dragged somebody else around, because usually it had been the other way around. It was also weird to experience a father like Yujins, who in the end made the same mistake his grandfather did, by locking his son into a house, only because he was scared of his life. In Rains case it was everyone who told him and Caelan that he'd die once he went outside and thus he believed that. In Shurens case he probably was the only one being scared, maybe he was worried that Yujin wouldn't find his way home at some point however, or that the next time, he went missing, he wouldn't be found. It was somewhat understandable, but at the same time it made no sense. If he'd been open and honest Richard was sure Yujin would eventually be cautious and just take someone with him, or at least tell his father where he went instead of running off. Richard could have met the same fate, if his father didn't experience it himself and knew, that locking him up because of his disease was cruel and unnecessary. He left almost 18 whole years going wherever he wanted. "Fine then.", Richard answered and he noticed that he was thinking way too much right now, but he also couldn't stop and while he was with Yujin it was alright, at least for now. He felt even better when he received a short kiss. "What day?", he suddenly asked, then noticed what Yujin meant and slightly shook his head. "Ugly.", he corrected. "We can be ugly together, but both work." Richard was rarely not in pain these days, but right now it was manageable. He liked being out here all alone, even though the wind brushed over their tent and Richard was growing cold lying there. His hands and his nose were probably ice cold by now, but he didn't want to move to grab some fur he could pull over himself.

Yujin didn’t know what to do with himself and if he’d been alone, he’d definitely gone into a panic induced frenzy, would as well have gone back until he was cold and lonely, until he didn’t know where his tent was anymore or where the flickering, dying flames came from when he watched the horizon. He was glad to have Richard around, but even something like that taught him that he wasn’t fit to survive out here, all alone, uncertain what waited for him, what would come for him and what it was that made him wonder if it was just the darkness he was scared of - or if it was something entirely else, honestly? Yujin didn’t know and he loathed himself for not knowing or understanding. Silence was unbearable, though, and yet Richard seemed to love it so much, but Yujin didn’t, he couldn’t stand it and every time he found himself confronted by it, he found a way to combat it, even during sleepless nights, even when he had to show up at the blondes window just to get rid of the static noise that build up in his head and made him go off the rails. “A few, not just that one”, he admitted, almost ashamed and gave way to a sigh. What was this again? His brain was full of holes and useless? Sure. That had always been the case and it was embarrassing to think otherwise - well, always was the wrong word, it had been for a few years.

“Can I ask something stupid of you?”, Yujin wanted to know, that was the best he could do anyway - asking stupid questions was his forte and coming closer to Richard, who’d probably be off better if he kept that coat on - was also one of his strong suits. “You’ll remind me of things I forget, right?” He didn’t want more, despite knowing that any attempt at retaining the memory itself would be hell. It was stupid to think that he’d bot be able to at least do something for himself, for others, for those he stuck with, but in the end, he also knew that he had to try and retain a singular memory first - they stuck with him, those bits and pieces that were memorable, but they faded eventually, too, as they should. “Ugly and in pain sounds like a fair deal, what do you think?”, he inquired but he knew that that both were, in their own ways and that whatever would be coming from this wasn’t going to be any fun, not if it went on like this and not if they kept pushing forward in a way that none of them were happy with. Richard wasn’t one for honesty, not when it came to his own feelings and Yujin didn’t want to push him, instead he slowly lifted that arm of his and grabbed his own coat, before he draped Richard in it and pulled him closer like that. “Let me warm you up a bit”, the wolf elaborated before plastering another kiss on Richards lips - that ought to help.

Richard looked at Yujin, even though all he could see were some shadows and the flickering red flame from outside which reflected on his skin. "Sure.", Richard answered though he wasn't sure if the answer would satisfy Yujin. There were many things he probably wanted to ask him and a lot of things he wanted, but Richard needed to remind himself that he wouldn't be here forever. If he was, his relationship to Yujin would probably be very different, maybe he could have admitted than he saw more in him than just a friend, that he cared about him, but he couldn't. Whenever he thought he could eave everything that happened behind that day haunted him in another nightmare, it made him want to throw up, it shook him to the core and he knew that living like this was impossible. He needed to settle the score, because unlike Yujin he couldn't just forget and replace his memories with new ones of Yujin and Silesse. That was impossible for him and it would remain to be just that. "If I remember them myself, yes.", Richard answered, but he couldn't do that forever. Maybe a few more months and then it was good that Yujin wouldn't remember him at some point. Even if he had more than just a crush, all those feelings would just vanish without leaving a bitter taste in his mouth.

"It does. Though I don't mind your scars, or your eyes. You're not ugly.", Richard answered, almost whispered, because it was so silent right now. There was just the wind, the crackling of the fire and sometimes a scuff from the horses. Richard liked that, he liked to be alone and just listen to Yujins breathing, knowing that there was no one else to find them, or to disturb them. No one that could judge what they were doing, no one to tell them what they were allowed to do and what not, or what they could and couldn't do. He didn't want to disturb that feeling by cutting the air with his voice, but he didn't know why he said that in the first place, especially right now when he couldn't even see Yujin. It grew colder though, when Yujin lifted his arm suddenly, to Richards dismay. However, it soon was there again, with his coat draped around Richard. That was nice. He let himself be pulled closer to the wolf who had everything he needed out here, who didn't grow cold that easily, even with the temperatures dropping drastically at night and without generating warmth by moving around. "I'm just half a wolf after all...", Richard mumbled. He probably would survive this weather alone, but it would start to hurt at some point. Did Nayantai hold him on their journey? Richard didn't remember... Instead his hand searched for some skin he could touch, to absorb some of Yujins warmth.

There was nothing but them and their horses out here, they were by their lonesome and if he was fucking honest, despite all the fear that built up in his gut, despite all the things that got to his head, Yujin felt like this was fun, like it wasn’t too much of a hurdle to get through, not with someone there, not if this someone had nice words and good advice for him, or at least something to distract him with. “Well, you can’t tell me things that you don’t remember yourself. Though, if you forget them too, I guess they weren’t so important after all.” Now, they had themselves a deal though and he was happy about that - why? Because being with Richard was nice, listening to him talk and not be as angry as he had been in the beginning was good, too, and one thing that Yujin retained was the fist that he’d gotten to the face and the murderous expression on the blondes face, as well as the fact that he was quite curt to him, and now … they couldn’t let go of one another, could they? It felt oddly impossible, but maybe that was just the impression he had and the impression he’d continue to have if all of this went on as it did, before he eventually had to recall that Richard wasn’t a permanent addition to Silesses repertoire of lost souls.

“Where’d that come from?”, he asked, chuckling about it all - Richard was a silly goose, but he also was quite lovable, even when he didn’t intend to be. “I can’t say that I don’t feel the same about you, I like you just the way you are, even if you probably don’t want to hear that!” His eyes were nice, as was his voice and while the scar on his throat wasn’t nice, Yujin didn’t mind looking at it, it made Richard Richard and that was, without a doubt, one of the only things that he’d probably remember this guy by, should he ever forget him. “That didn’t stop you from insisting you could handle the cold and honestly? You’re handling it pretty well, not even the wolves from around the border can come down here and not break down.” There were plenty of stories about wolves that came down here, not knowing any better, and eventually finding their death at the hands of the cold that had their bodies in its fangs - but there were sheep that were dumb enough to make their way down here, too, and Yujin never understood why they did, a death like that wasn’t enjoyable in the least, he knew as much. “Should I …?”, Yujin suddenly asked, looking at Richard quite puzzled before he pulled on his sash so the layers came lose and he could at least expose his chest a bit - that wouldn’t hurt, would it? Especially not if he squeezed Richard a bit tighter against him. “Is this fine?”

Richard asked himself if there was something important he forgot, but then again, how would he know? There probably were a lot of memories buried in a lot of other ones, some retainable, lost because time and life went on and buried certain things underneath new ones. He still remembered his family, he remembered some trips, his life, bits and pieces of so many things, that probably was enough, but everyone started to forget at some point, much as no one remembered the early years of childhood and eventually Richard would probably also forget how some faces looked, the ones of his grandparents, maybe even his fathers, but by the time he would, he hopefully was already long dead. He wasn't meant for a life that went on much longer. It wasn't fair of him to get this close to Yujin, was it now? But maybe someone with a sieve for a brain was exactly what made him open up, because in the end he could only hurt him for so long, until he forgot again and didn't know Richard even existed in the first place. He'd be just a ghost lingering at the back of his head, that was all and it was good that way...

"Mhh... I don't know...", Richard mumbled and he grew tired. Maybe it was because of the cold, maybe his body was exhausted from withstanding it for so long. He wouldn't die if he fell asleep so this was fine, right? "I don't.", Richard agreed. Listening to too many compliments was odd. Especially when he thought that being different and new was the only thing that drew a locked up prince towards him, but in the end Richard didn't want to be different. He wanted to be a wolf in Silesse or a sheep in Adrestia, but he was neither, he didn't belong and that was why his siblings had to die, that was why he should have died, because no one wanted a half wolf on the throne, neither sheep, nor wolves. "I can handle it... just... the nights are... really cold. And I brought my Thrian clothes for a reason, right? I'm not that stupid...", Richard answered, he knew that half of his family wouldn't have survived here, yet he did, because his mother was from here somewhere. "Should you what?", Richard asked and while he didn't truly see what Yujin was doing, he heard a quite distinctive sound he didn't hear for the first time. Richard was pulled closer right after and buried his face by Yujins neck. "You're an idiot...", Richard said not sure why, maybe he couldn't admit that he truly needed that if he didn't want to start shaking at some point at night. His hand thankfully found it's way between the skin on Yujins back and his clothes. This was better... "Thank you...", he mumbled. If he was lucky the tents fabric was dense enough to also keep some warmth inside, even though the cold pressed against it from out there.

Richard would be long gone by the time he realized what he really wanted from him, by the time he understood that nothing was what it seemed to be and that any attempt of leaving his home was but a futile struggle against someone that had the upper hand from the beginning. Yujin knew that falling for the blonde was a stupid idea, that all of these feelings would eventually be washed away by feelings that came in waves, that weren’t tangible to him and yet, why did he even try to love, to be someone he wasn’t, to impress? “That’s fine, I’m glad you think I’m not ugly”, and he actually felt relieved, even if he thought that he had heard that somewhere before, which - oddly enough - seemed to be no problem to him, even if he knew that a single attempt at something as stupid as this was going to leave him to rust, that nothing would change and all that he retained would be gone. There were no new patterns, no way of learning, all of this would fade into obscurity and at some point, Yujin was convinced he’d forget the things before the incident, too, would have a giant hole in his memories and then, he’d not know who he even was. Still, it was pain, nothing more than pain, wasn’t it?

“Too bad that I find you hot, then”, Yujin admitted, but he kept it at that - there was no reason to spoil the mood right now, not when they were having that much fun and when they were understanding of one another. He feared, or at least almost feared, that nothing would be coming of it and that the sole reason he was doing any of this was - quite frankly - his own doing, because he wanted to, because he wanted to know if he could retain any of these memories, yet, he wasn’t so sure himself. “You aren’t and if you still wore your adrestian ones, I’m sure you’d be colder than you are right now”, the wolf admitted and smiled into the darkness, he was back at it again, being the mess he’d always been, wasn’t he? “But I’m your idiot.” That was, to at least some degree, true and while Yujin wasn’t sure what to think of that statement by itself, he was sure that they both would find something, like the fact that Richard was cuddling up to him, coming closer despite his remark and nestling against him, that kept them together. “No need to”, he eventually said and continued to cuddle the blonde like that, continued to hold him close and not let him out of sight. “If anything, thank you”, Yujin eventually mumbled before closing his eyes. He’d make do, just like Richard and they’d sleep through the night, right?

Richard doubted that anyone would call Yujin ugly. He wasn't, his eye were different that was all but there sure were a lot of people who didn't mind that and Richard, Richard knew blue eyes, he looked at some his entire life and he always wished he had them too. "Hot...? Hm... figured." Why else would Yujin have slept with him in the first place? And he did it multiple times, he still was up to it, only maybe not right now. Richard didn't think of himself as ugly, only the scar on his neck was, very much so and it was so much more than that but there was no use thinking about it right now. "It's still cold...", Richard mumbled and pressed his cold nose against Yujins neck some more, to warm up and feel better. He was soft and cuddling with him felt good, even though, actually... they never did this not high or drunk, right? And they never truly did this without having sex before. When they were sick and Yujin stayed over, they cuddled a little bit, mut not much and differently. But this was... nice... actually. Still his body felt cold whever he wasn't able to touch Yujin and wherever it was not coveren in multiple layers, but it grew warmer ever so sligtly.

"Mine...? You're not mine alone...", Richard pointed out, but he had to admit, it had a nice ring to it. But he didn't want something serious and he told Yujin that. He told him he could fuck and kiss whoever he wanted, while Richard wouldn't, that was the deal, but now he wondered if Yujin actually did and if yes... did it bother him? Yes, actually. But he'd never admit to it, because Richard would be gone and Yujin should focus on someone else than him. "Mh... also no need. I hope you're able to sleep now... Good night.", Richard mumbled, cuddled up a little closer and actually tried to sleep. He liked this, even though it was still a little cold, he liked cuddling Yujin, he liked feeling his arms around his body, he liked knowing that he was here. If he'd been here alone, Richard was sure he'd think of all the wrong things now, but he didn't. Instead he felt like he was able to fall asleep just like that. And he did.

There it was again however. Sleeping through the night was not an option. He lived trough that moment again, not even realizing this was a dream, or a memory, whatever it was. There was this man that killed everyone, him not doing a thing and eventually he felt the cold iron pierce skin, flesh and vessels. It grew cold, so cold and dark and... Richard woke up, sat straight in their little tent and at first he didn't know where he was. Why was it so dark? Why was what lay under his back oddly hard, where was the fireplace in his room? He was supposed to be in Silesse right? Richard felt something next to him, heard something moving and for a second he thought it was Dayan, he thought he dreamt all that and now he was just on a trip with him as usual, but... no. He remembered now. Yujin lay next to him, Dayan was dead, lay underground somewhere, all alone, in the dark. Fuck. Richard put his hands on his face and rubbed it, he needed to breath. That only had been a dream, nothing more. He was safe for the moment, but everyone remained dead, that hadn't been a dream. Fuck. Fuck! He couldn't have that right now! He just needed to calm down.

Richard was there, there was nothing to fear and Yujin knew that, he knew that there was nothing that would hurt or sting as long as they both were careful around the other and at least tried to muster some respect, which wasn’t hard to begin with. What was, however, was the fact that no matter what he’d try, he’d find himself stuck in this endless loop of feeling alone in this world - in a place like this - and he genuinely wondered when they cut off his wings, stole them away and gave him not a single chance to grow them back. Yujin was tired and worn, they’d go on tomorrow, they’d talk and maybe laugh about their own stupidity and then, once that was done, they’d ride on and try to find a way to the place that the wolf never had been at, to a place he didn’t remember, only to brush past it and find a safe space for himself and Richard, or even somewhere that they both hadn’t been at before, something to marble at and curse the rest of their existence for, something that connected them. “Good night”, was all the wolf could muster before he sunk into a deep slumber, pulled in as deep as Richard was pulled into him - there would be nothing happening, this would be another night like any other.

The only problem was, he couldn’t sleep. Richard eventually gave way, Yujin noticed that, but all the peace that he found himself experiencing went away with the blondes consciousness, something that he’d known would happen, yet hadn’t anticipated. Now that he lay there, tired and exhausted, enveloped by darkness and listening to the steady breathing of the blonde while his own heart went insane for all the wrong reasons, he wondered if it had always been so hard to fall asleep, to figure out how to be, or what to do. It took him forever to calm down, to sink into sleep and dissipate in nothingness but even then he wasn’t allowed to have a good night, not once and he deemed it quite frustrating. There were bits and pieces, laughter and mockery, voices he didn’t know, voices he did know and there it was, the smell of damp darkness, or the air within a place he didn’t want to be at in the first place - why was this happening? Yujin usually wasn’t the one with the bad dreams, yet he seemed to be, just for tonight at least and he wondered why that was, how hard it would be to force himself awake, yet he couldn’t, the blonde already did that for him. Something next to him moved and shifted and woke up, so did he, but he didn’t need long to orient himself and figure out that he was still in this tent, still out here nowhere and that Richard was having a not so good time. The wolf sat up, rubber his eyes and placed his hand on Richards shoulder, not knowing what to say - it wasn’t okay, it wasn’t alright, but instead … “Can I help? Hug you? Hold you?”, he asked instead, he didn’t want Richard to feel cornered, not this time, not in this tiny tent of theirs. “Take some deep breaths, in, then hold it, then out”, he advised instead.

Richard ripped the fabric from his neck, because he hadn't done that before and now it was choking him, making it hard to breath. He touched his neck as if he had to check that he truly just dreamt and wasn't about to bleed out once more, but of course his neck felt as good as it could with those circumstances. He heard Yujin move next to him, felt his hand on his shoulder and shied away for a second there, but it was fine, he was just agitated and the shock of the dream had yet to go away. This wasn't anything new, this happened almost every night, even if sometimes he just found himself surrounded by pillows and fur, instead of sitting up so fast, his head started spinning. He wasn't made for being around others at night, because he woke everyone up with his stupid nightmares - not that anyone but Yujin ever slept next to him since he left Adrestia, well except Nayantai during their journey. Either way, he felt sorry for jumping up like that. "I'm sorry. It's fine. Go back to sleep...", he whispered. Usually he wouldn't try to go back to sleep after a nightmare like this, but it was dark outside, the fire had went out and there was nothing to do for him anyway.

Richard wondered if the horses would be able to calm him down, but he didn't want to get up, stumble out in the dark and find them. It was way too cold anyway. Fuck. He shivered and that not only because of his dream, he was incredibly cold, but that wasn't a surprise, because his clothes were sweaty and therefor wet. Being held by Yujin suddenly didn't sound so bad, but instead Richard was rubbing his own arm that felt numb already, as if that helped. Damn. He wanted to get out of his clothes, but not only that, out of his skin. He wanted that sweat and that cold go away, he wanted to... stop! He noticed that he had buried his own nails into the skin of his arm, he wanted to get away from himself, but that was hardly possible. "Yujin.", he suddenly mumbled, he didn't sleep just because he told him to anyway. "I'm... I'm cold...", he mumbled, yet his voice was the only thing unwavering, he didn't know himself how he even managed that. Why did he tell him though? Why didn't he just turn around, lie back down with him and take the hug he was offered anyway? For some reason he couldn't bring himself to move.

Tonight, neither of them could sleep and their futile attempt at doing so only proved that they weren’t made for something, for living, for sleeping, or for breathing. Whatever the case, Yujin was preoccupied with his own thoughts, he heard a plethora of things now that they both were awake again, be it Richards movements, his erratic breathing or the noises he made when he took the fabric off of his throat. First, he had a breakdown, then the blonde did and it was all over the things that neither of them could change - and something the other could hardly fix for them. There was a slight movement under his touch, but just for a second, Richard didn’t shy away, even though he tried to and the wolf liked to believe that it at least gave the blonde some form of reassurance that someone, anyone, was there with him and that he wasn’t all alone in the void of Silesse. “I can’t”, he answered, his voice sounding kind of hoarse as was - the wolf was trying to get rid of the weird, burning feeling in his head and eyes that told him he was tired and exhausted, that his body demanded sleep but his mind raced instead, paced back and forth and ran towards an unachievable goal. Was this how that was supposed to go? That he was supposed to feel asl bad and off as he did?

Before he could get lost in his own thoughts again, Richard was already moving some more, causing some noises that barely were audible, but now that his eyes grew accustomed to the darkness, he saw where the hand went. Was this all this was supposed to be? Was Yujin, in all honesty, just looking at the blonde that let his nails sink into his own damn arm? “Yes?”, he asked, looked at Richard quite confused and wondered what it was that he wanted of him - he couldn’t get lost out here, well, not run off for that matter, but he could leave the tent for a while if that was what the blonde needed, he’d make do somehow. “You … You’re cold?”, he exclaimed, quite surprised, before he inched closer, let his hand wander over Richards back and he wasn’t wrong, the fabric did seem slightly damp and that wasn’t good, especially not for someone like the blonde that wasn’t made for the temperatures out here, or rather, not quite used to them yet. The wolf gave him a weak smile, before he leaned forward and gave Richard a good hug, held him close and pressed their bodies against one another's - that was the best he could do right now anyway. “Your clothes are damp”, he said, as if Richard didn’t know that himself. “I’ll help you undress and give you some of mine, alright?”, Yujin said before methodically pulling on the blondes own sash to see the fabric at least come loose. “Otherwise you’ll catch something nasty and we want to avoid that - is that alright?” Though, he still was holding Richard close in that hug of his, there was no way out just yet.

Of course Yujin couldn't sleep. Richard woke him up and now he made him worry, because even when he didn't even know Richards name, he already did and wanted to help. He didn't leave him alone, so why would he be able to just go back to sleep now? "I'm sorry... I'm not the best person to sleep next to.", he voiced, maybe next time it would have been better to just bring two tents, so Yujin wasn't woken up by Richard like that, only because he couldn't stop remembering that day, as if there was something he was missing. Over and over again he saw how he did absolutely nothing to save anyone. What would truly happen if he got into a life threatening situation again? He promised to protect Yujin out here, but was he truly able to? What if someone or something like a wild animal was out here to hurt them, would he just stand by and watch Yujin die, just as he watched his siblings? Fuck... he was useless, couldn't do anything and all that training was for nothing, fighting Nayantai was for nothing, if he froze whenever it got serious, whenever he truly could die.

"I am...", Richard sighed when Yujin asked if he understood correctly. He almost seemed surprised, probably because he himself was comfortable warm. Richard felt the hand on his back, he wasn't sure if he wanted to be touched right now, but he let Yujin without complain. Then came a hug Richard accepted, but he didn't return it, he just kept sitting there with an almost empty expression. He felt disgusting. "Mh... I should have brought more...", Richard said, since he knew his nightmares, he knew how he mostly woke up - out of breath, sweating, sometimes crying. Yujin started to pull on the sash that freed Richard from the damp and disgusting clothes, he wanted to get out of it, but at the same time, he already was cold and didn't want the air to hit his skin. But it would only grow worse like that, Yujin was right. "Yeah. Yes. Thank you.", Richard answered mumbling, but eventually got out of the sleeves of his clothes himself, casted all those layers off and wondered if he could wear it again when morning came. Why did he even think he could sleep trough the night? Because he was with Yujin? He still had nightmares when they were sick, so it was probably the smoke that had lulled him into a deep sleep all the other times, not Yujin. He wanted to wash himself, but that was hardly possible right now. Maybe he could the next day, when they prepared some water to drink.

“It’s not because of you”, the wolf made clear, knowing fully well that Richard of all people wasn’t the one that kept him awake, that made him feel more than aware of his surroundings and that made him feel weightless, yet live, yet very present. This feeling was uncanny, hard to explain, a mixture of many, a blend of too much and Yujin, who’s throat itched, who’s eyes hurt and who wasn’t sure why he was awake at all and why he hadn’t just pretended to be asleep. “I can’t sleep anyway, there’s no need to be sorry”, Yujin tacked onto what he’d said just earlier and instead, wondered how he could make all of this better for himself, for Richard and the only thing that came to mind was probably too much, especially like this and it just … fuck, why was he even thinking about that? Not only was it inappropriate to think about and a hassle to arrange in their crammed, kind of uncomfortable tent, it also was hard to figure out how to do anything in this darkness and that meant, for better or for worse, that all they had were their voices and their hands, everything else was unreliable and that would not prove to be useful in a situation like this, not now when Richard felt as if he was going to break down any second, or rather, if the slightest mistake could hurt him.

“No worries, we still have mine to share.” That was true, but at some point, even the wolf would get cold and he was glad that it wasn’t winter, that they weren’t snowed in, that it wasn’t frigid or something like that - and that’s also why he made do and get rid of some layers already, just as the blonde cast his away. “No need to, that’s what I’m here for.” Yujin felt incredibly exhausted and yet, he didn’t even watch Richard undress and instead focused on himself, took off as many layers as he possibly could so that the half-wolf wouldn’t freeze. He still had fur he could hide in and the bits and pieces of fabric that he didn’t take off were also quite warm, though, even that would eventually fade and leave him with nothing much. He took the already damp fabric that Richard had discarded right then and there and used it to wipe off some remainders on his back, as well as his arms and his face, his forehead first and foremost, before he lay it aside, didn’t fold it but put it in a corner so that it maybe dried overnight - Yujin doubted that, but he’d have to try, that was pretty much their only option right about now. Then, however, he started helping Richard into those clothes of his, they’d fit, they’d make all of this a hit easier, the wolf was convinced of that - and they’d hopefully not be soaked in sweat by the time they woke up. “Do … do you even want to try and sleep again? Or … should we do something else?”, he whispered eventually. What could Richard even want? “I can try to take your mind off of things, you know?”

"Oh... sorry.", Richard mumbled since he was so absorbed with himself, he didn't even notice Yujin was still in pain too. His fear didn't just vanish, even if he wasn't alone, even if Richard held him, though at some point at night he probably did stop with that, even though the wolf was comfortably warm. Richard wondered how late it was, maybe they just needed to make do for another hour until the sun rose up and they could crawl out of their tent and occupy their bodies and minds with something else. But maybe Richard just slept for a mere hour and they had the whole night ahead of them, he absolutely didn't know, not without crawling outside and try to read the sky. "Are you still scared?", he asked the wolf and tried to look at him, to adjust his eyes to the dark so he could get a glimpse. "Do you want me to put the fire back on?", he asked. It was cold in here, it would be colder outside, but if it helped, why not do it? Especially since Richard could occupy his hands for a few minutes, but finding his way outside in the dark would prove difficult anyway, this was probably a stupid idea to begin with.

"I'm sorry I...", Richard sighed deeply. "I should have warned you. And I should have prepared myself more.", Richard said, he knew how his nights went, so why was he such an idiot? Now Yujin would grow cold eventually too, if he just shed all those layers. "You're here to undress me...?", Richard asked, trying another joke, but his voice sounded tired if anything. It was even colder now that Richard got out of his clothes and he appreciated Yujin drying his skin a little bit, though he could have done that himself. However, he didn't want to fight, not tonight. Richard also let himself help into the clothes, only in the first layer though and he didn't close it up either. "Something else?", he asked, not sure what Yujin had in mind, not sure where this was going at all, but he did know what he wanted and that was not to be wrapped up in half of Yujins clothes, just stealing them away. Instead he lay down again and pulled Yujin with him. The wolf had his clothes still partly opened up, because he had warmed Richard up before, right? This would work again. Richard put the rest of Yujins clothes above both of them like a blanket, he added his actual blanket too and then he grabbed some fur to bury both of them under that as well. Once this was done he inched closer and carefully put his arm between Yujins skin and clothes again, though he didn't come closer just yet. "Is this... fine...?", he asked, the mountain of fabric on top of him was kind of heavy, but at least he was sure he'd stay somewhat warm like this and Yujin would be able to warm up the air underneath. Did he use him as a heater of sorts? Maybe... but he also wanted them both to be warm, which was why he didn't wear all of that and claimed the fabric for his own selfish needs.

“Richard, stop it. There’s nothing to be sorry about.” They had made that clear earlier when Yujin tried profusely apologizing for something that he had no control over and right now, he wondered if this night was another one that he’d forget sooner than later, all because that head of his decided that it would work like that and not any other way, not as intended anyway. “I wouldn’t call it scared”, he elaborated and shook his head. Unsettled, shaken, maybe all of that was a bit too on the nose - there was no warmth from outside, there just were bits and pieces of it left within the tent, remnants of a dead fire, something that he couldn’t quite wrap his head around to begin with. “No, it’s alright and I don’t want you to get up and stumble out into the snow, this is fine as is”, Yujin reassured his fellow wolf, albeit he wasn’t sure of that himself. It didn’t matter how long he’d be awake, eventually he’d get home - he’d be caught by his father - and then he’d sleep, deep and long, and all of this would be forgotten again, as it should be and as Yujin hated it to be, but it was a way out of anything that his brain didn’t want him to retain.

“Richard. Listen. There’s nothing to be sorry about and this is not the first time we share a bed or sleep next to one another, I don’t mind”, the wolf did make that clear, somehow this didn’t feel like the first time that he did, though, maybe it was and he was just losing it at some point, whatever would come first, he didn’t even care. “That too, silly. But first and foremost to at least make you feel good - or slightly better”, he chuckled ever so slightly. In the end, even Richard was quite the silly goose and both of them were working their asses off to make the other feel better - somehow that worked, but not entirely. Not for either of them. “You know, like, uh … putting my mouth to good use?” That he did, right now, with distracting words or at least as he tried to distract the blonde for a bit, without making him feel as if he was stuck in a single corner, wasn’t that it? However, he had a different idea as it seemed, something Yujin wasn’t opposed to, not that he did mind - but he was fairly certain he couldn’t sleep, as much as Richard wouldn’t be able to, so this would be an attempt made in vain. “More than fine”, he answered instead, slightly grinning at … whoever Richard was to him, really, and then wrapping his own hands around him, as good as he could. “Though, you could come closer … and if it helps, rest your head on my chest, how’s that sound?” What happened to no strings attached? Fuck, who cared.

Was this trip maybe a mistake? Richard didn't know, maybe for Yujin, but for himself, he didn't feel worse than usual, if anything he felt better, at least during the day, not right now. But even now he had Yujin by his side, someone he could hold on to, someone who made him feel less lonely in this stupid world. He didn't want to be alone, he really didn't want to, but at the same time, he knew how it felt to lose someone way before his time came and he didn't want to do that to anyone else. Yujin should just forget... "But you don't feel good either.", Richard concluded and there he was again, making everything about himself and Yujin just swallowed his own pain, chuckled and smiled, just to make Richard feel better. The blonde was nothing more than an immature child, wasn't he? "You could have woken me up if you couldn't sleep.", Richard mumbled, he wouldn't have minded, he would have given Yujin whatever he needed and right now he made his mind up to not fall asleep before Yujin didn't. "If there's anything else, just tell me...", Richard answered and for whatever reason took Yujins hand to place a soft kiss on it.

At least Richard somehow managed to make Yujin chuckle and it felt sincere. But was he truly here to make Richard feel better? That sounded selfish and unfair, but he also already concluded that he was just that and even then he continued to play with Yujin and his feelings, probably because he thought all of this had no consequences anyway, because Yujin couldn't remember the pain at some point. There was a lot of reason to apologize to say the truth. "Your... mouth?", Richard suddenly asked and raised an eyebrow, although Yujin probably didn't see. "Didn't I lose our bet?", he asked, but to be honest, he wouldn't mind paying his dept right now, none of them was able to sleep anyway and maybe it made Yujin feel better and maybe he needed to be used by him for a change. For now however he still searched for warmth and when Yujin told him he could come closer, Richard did and softly pressed his naked skin on Yujins. He was so warm and comfortable... he felt Yujins arms too, that wrapped themselves around Richards freezing body and the blonde searched for as much contact as possible. He even softly shoved his leg between Yujins, his arms lay around him and his head rested on his shoulder.

Coming here, crawling out of his own shell, all of that had its benefits, Yujin was fairly certain of that but he also didn’t quite understand why he needed Richard for that - what held him back before and more importantly, what let him boil down like that, destroyed all of those walls that they both unconsciously had built up and now let to this somewhat condensed meltdown? “Who feels good all the time anyway?”, Yujin gave back and he knew that this wasn’t what Richard wanted to hear, that this wasn’t supposed to be some fun game that they both were playing, because it wasn’t and it never would be - because pain never was fun. “I didn’t want to, I thought you might have a good nights sleep after all.” Richard didn’t, he seemingly couldn’t unless he was high or exhausted as all hell - and that was something that didn’t seem to be the case right now, which soured their mood exponentially, but that wasn’t exactly bad, it just was something they’d have to work around. “No, it’s just fine, don’t worry. I’ll tell you if I need anything else.” That was all there was to that and then, they could move on and do something, something more fun and something to take his mind off of the darkness that was in here as well as out there.

“Yes, my mouth”, he told Richard, hoping that the blonde would get the hint - and apparently he did. They both were helpless, that much was for certain, but they also knew, well enough, that nothing was going to stop them from being who they were, from being just as helpless and hopeless. “Yes, but I don’t want you to do something you don’t want and it’s better if you stay under all those blankets so you finally get warm”, the wolf furthermore elaborated. This was some sort of joke, it had to be, or maybe it just wasn’t and they both were tired enough of this world and themselves to realize that, no matter what they did, they’d be stuck where they were and would never take another step anywhere else. “Besides, I want you to feel good, too, you know?” Yujin should have brought oil, a small vial would have been enough anyway - there was no need to try and figure the logistics of this out, there were none, but there was a half wolf in his arms who’s back he softly rubbed as he sank onto him, letting his head rest where it was and softly laying his own hand on the back of it as some sort of sign that he wasn’t going anywhere from here on out and that he was alright like this. “You feel nice to hold, did I ever tell you that?” Probably at least once when he was sick, but Yujin didn’t recall that, he just placed his bets on it - it was a him thing to say.

"I rarely sleep well. If anything, waking me up before the nightmares start is helping.", Richard answered, his voice sounding hoarse somehow. The problem was, no one could tell if he was haunted after ten minutes of sleep, or after a ew hours, but Yujin had managed before, to wake Richard before any of this had started. The preferable option however was not to have nightmares, but that wasn't possible, not just because he lay in someone elses arms, even though it felt good right now. Richard would have done anything to get rid of those dreams though. He didn't want to see them die over and over again and the feeling didn't even numb down, not a bit, not een after experiencing their deaths multiple times already. He felt bad for so many reasons, but finding himself in Yujins arms helped, it helped a lot and his embrace grew a little tighter. He didn't want to let go and he didn't want to miss the touch on his back and on his head. "I'm glad you annoyed me into liking you...", he mumbled and yes he liked him, he admitted it. All of this was a little bit more bearable with Yujin around.

"Who said I wouldn't want to?", Richard asked and looked up from his position a bit, but it was still dark and reading facial impressions was nearly impossible like this. Instead he moved his hand a little, to softly and slowly draw small circles on Yujins back, to feel his smooth skin and to figure out if that was something Yujin wanted, if he wanted to be touched, if he wanted more than just a hug, or if he was too tired for any of this. "Wouldn't it take your mind off of things too?", Richard asked and even came a little closer and his fingers continued softly caressing the wolf. "I wouldn't need to get out of the blankets, if anything I'd even have my head under them.", Richard pointed out, then slightly shook his head. "I... maybe. I don't know anymore.", Richard answered truthfully, even he couldn't remember everything, especially not when his mind was intoxicated by booze and smoke, he barely remembered a word they exchanged the first night they spent together, but he vividly remembered what they did and it made a shiver run down the blondes spine. "What if we both used our mouths?", he then asked, looking up again. "I want to kiss you. Can I?"