bloodbound. (earinor & akira)

    • Why was he doing that? For both of them? Only for himself? Because he felt like he needed to get away, because he felt like he needed to justify something, tell Richard that he was selfish just this once and had things he wanted to set right before anything happened? The blonde looked tired, even like this, even in less illuminated hallways among slabs and slabs of ice, of flickering like and all the other things that tried to survive around here. Both of them probably did, Yujin had felt like horseshit for days, he didn‘t want to sleep, couldn‘t - familiar and unfamiliar faces alike greeted him and thus, he found himself wondering what all of that was about, why it was the way that it had to be, why he was ... what anyway? “That’s not it”, Yujin insisted and he shook his head, finally let go of the arm he grabbed earlier and instead, let his hands slide downwards, grabbing the blondes hand, now that they stood somewhere where nobody would seek them out or hear them to begin with. “I want to be selfish”, he responded, but that was about as cryptic as he could get. Was apologizing even selfish? Yujin didn’t know, he’d been burning with anger at first but now, all that remained was a puff of smoke and ... was he sad? He probably looked the part, much like Richard did.

      “What I mean by that is, I’m sorry for being an idiot and ... saying stupid shit.” He really had been waffling about something horrendously stupid all the time, just because he wasn’t able to fit simple things into that thick skull of his and Richard was right, he didn’t take no for a no, he never would. “I don’t want anything from you - if you don’t want to forgive me for the stuff I said, threw in your face like that, it’s fine, too - I’ll deal with it somehow”, the wolf suddenly mumbled, as if something had caught up to him, just like that and as if all the plans he had for anything else were going to either hurt him or Richard, something came first, but he didn’t exactly know what it was just yet. “Also”, he suddenly was starting to become stupid, right? “You told me to be honest, so I’ll be. I can’t sleep for shit, I couldn’t since I told you to fuck off - I regret it”, Yujin spoke through grit teeth, still holding those hands that were supposed to comfort him, some way, somehow - they’d do just that, whichever way possible. “But ... you look even worse for wear. I ... I’m sorry about that, I really shouldn’t have been that harsh to you.” Yujin knew that sometimes, Richard could get annoying in bis own regard, could be someone that just hurt anybody around him, but did it stop him? No, Yujin didn’t want to stop doing anything, actually. Maybe that also was why he finally overstepped the boundaries their sober selves had wordlessly set for themselves and pulled Richard into a hug. “I’m stupid, I know. You can hit me now if you want to.”
      Looking back, it maybe is like the toy carts you rode when you were a kid. But those toy carts could never go beyond the walls of the lawn. We want to follow the rugged concrete road beyond the wall. As we've grown, we've decided to leave behind the toy cart.

    • Richard didn't know what Yujin wanted from him and he still hasn't looked into his face, otherwise he might have noticed, that he had been agitated before, that the proximity to his girlfriend for whatever reason was bothering him today. This was the worst day for a dinner like that, but actually, every day was shit. Nayantai probably said yes because he saw as well that for some reason Richard was pulling back even more than before and maybe he thought if he forced him to be around other people, people his age again, he would come to and actually enjoy a view hours, or at least would talk about anything to about anyone. Then again Nayantai himself liked it quiet, he also wanted to be alone, but he also probably thought he owed showing up here to Shuren and Muhan who gave him a hand out here, who let him stay and would help protect his only remaining son. If Yujin was right Shuren knew that Adrestia was a shithole, a dangerous place for wolves, especially now that the king was dead and at least one wolf and two half wolves had died just days after that.

      Now Richard stood here, averting his gaze still and listening to Yujin, because he didn't have much of a choice. The hand sliding down his arm made him shiver, but he let Yujin grab his hands but still wasn't raising his head. He didn't understand what Yujin was saying, what he wanted now. Did he apologize just now? Why? Well all of Richards work was for nothing, all of the pushin away again didn't work and he bit his lower lip out of frustration. Yujin was completely misunderstanding once again, Richard never was mad at him, he just wanted Yujin to be mad at the blonde, to finally keep him at distance. But that only lead to Yujin being in his current state right now, desperate for Richards attention for whatever weird reason, there was nothing to him that someone could like, he made sure of that, because he wanted to remain alone. Again Yujin apologized, though he didn't do anything wrong. Richard wanted him to snap at one point, all he said was just aimed towards that goal. Suddenly he was pulled into a hug, felt Yujins arms around him, heard his breathing, smelled his hair,... This was... He didn't hug Yujn back, just stood there while his mind was racing, trying to make sense of his own feelings and what it was he wanted. He didn't want any attachment, right? "I can't...", he started, his voice sounding incredibly hoarse, as if he hadn't spoken for days, the sound of his own voice surprised him somehow and he wasn't sure if he was supposed to finish his sentence, or if he should just stay quiet, let Yujin hug it off and then walk back to the dinner again.

    • What had he expected? Retribution? Acceptance? Something, really, anything else? Yujin knew he was expecting too much from someone that obviously was in pain, that was very much broken and he left it at that - Richard didn’t need to comfort him back, didn’t need to forgive him for yelling at him like that, telling him to fuck off for a change, no. They both probably needed time away from one another, time to themselves, not consumed by the fact that they all were just trying to have senseless fun when there were other things to be done. Yujin didn’t go just yet, he kept Richard where he was, pulled the blonde against him, but he didn’t want to suffocate him - he’d just be able to stay there, just for a while. “You can’t ... what?”, the wolf whispered, wanted to know what it was. They’d not fuck again, that much was apparent to Yujin, but whatever else was it that Richard couldn’t? Thoughts filled his head soon enough and the wolf knew that he probably should let go, that this hadn’t been a good idea and that the two of them shouldn’t spend their time together like this, no. Yujin relinquished Richard, but he still held his hand, something that was a bit ... well, it was some sort of comforting, wasn’t it?

      “You can’t forgive me? You can’t just ... I don’t know, let me into your life?”, Yujin wanted to know, but then again, that was none of his business. Did Richard need a little pick-me-up that he’d never agree to? Yujin could use one, right here and right now, but the blonde still seemed sad about something that the wolf couldn’t quite discern, not like that. “Do you ... need a breather? We can take a walk, I’ll shut up if you want some silence.” The castle was big enough for them to walk a while, to avoid running into anyone that wasn’t them. However, if Richard wanted to be alone, he always could just say a word and this time, Yujin wouldn’t refuse, he’d oblige and ask no questions, he’d just head back into the dining hall and act like they’d never spend much time with one another to begin with. Suddenly, though, he just squeezed Richards hand and started walking, they didn’t need to stay where they were - they could just go on and find themselves someplace quiet. “If ... you just need someone to talk to, I’ll listen - you look sad and I don’t want to be the root of that.” Normally, Richard had a certain air about him, disapproving and hard to approach, but all of that had been seemingly swallowed by whatever was bothering him now. “Does ... is she bothering you?”, Yujin wanted to know, meaning his girlfriend of course - maybe Richard had, once more, not meant what he said, or ... no, that was silly.
      Looking back, it maybe is like the toy carts you rode when you were a kid. But those toy carts could never go beyond the walls of the lawn. We want to follow the rugged concrete road beyond the wall. As we've grown, we've decided to leave behind the toy cart.

    • Richard still found himself in Yujins hug, but he couldn't bring himself to raise his arms and hug him back. This was actually feeling good, but at the same time it felt horrible. Yujin was so close to him, not only physical, for some rason he was able to drill a hole in Richards outer walls right through to his heart and it was hard to repair any of it. And his heart? Well it was beating, but probably shattered into a million pieces, most of which lost in Adrestia, never able to be replaced. The slightest touch might have shattered it so much that it just was over, especially not that his brothers birthday was almost there. The blonde was scared of so many things. Scared that Yujin would break his heart, or that he got so attached to him, that he wasn't able to leave when the time was right to go back to Adrestia, to seek vengeance and death. He didn't want Yujin to try and stop him, he didn't want him to come to close and hear about his death some day and he didn't want him to vanish just like the rest of the people he actually liked. He didn't want to lose anyone and he didn't want to put the burden of losing a friend on someone else, but it would be there, because he would die young, that was very much set in stone.

      Of course Yujin asked what he meant, what he didn't say, but Richard didn't find any words. He had a million answers but his body refused him, his mind and heart fighting over the possibilities he had, asking if he should just embrace whatever this was, or if he should just keep it like it was, keep Yujin at bay, away from him, from anything. He wanted a friend, he actually wanted Yujin to be his friend, but at the same time he didn't. He wanted him to fight like he did now, but he also couldn't tell him that he was doing the right thing. There was nothing to forgive, but yes, he couldn't let him close but that was no what he wanted to say. He couldn't lose him, that was it. If he had no one, no one could vanish and nothing would be bale to break what was left of him. He didn't even care if Yujin talked or not and he didn't need a walk. His hand was squeezed and somewhat apathetic he followed him through the corridors to where ever he wanted him next. "You're not...", he finally said something, his voice still hoarse and he sounded as if he was about to cry at some point. Yujin wasn't the cause of him feeling like shit, not at all. It was the fact that he regretted pushing him away himself and he was alone, feeling more so with his brothers birthday coming nearer. Additionally he hadn't slept in days, maybe one or two hours each night, then a nightmare woke him up, they got worse. He'd lie there, his heart racing and he just wished for it to stop, but it didn't. Instead it made him restless and gave him more hours a day to think about wat happened, what he had lost and what he just threw away. He wanted a way to get rid of all that, be it getting drunk again, or being fucked, he really didn't care which one, he just wanted all of this to stop. Only when Yujin talked about his girlfriend Richard looked up from his feet that seemingly walked on their own. Did she bother him? "N...no...", he simply answered. Yujin should not think that dumping her would help anyone. Richard was gone in a year or so and Yujin would still have his life here. More reason not to actually share a bed with him again...

    • This wasn't right, this never would be right - it couldn't be for one too many reasons and yet, Yujin wanted it to be, whether or not he and Richard would just be friends or something entirely else, he didn't even care. What mattered to him was the fact that both of them didn't look like crap, that they felt as if they could at least survive the upcoming day, but Richard looked exhausted and so did he. So what was it that the two of them wanted, or what would it be that neither of them could really come up with? Honestly, nothing compared to that and all that was happening was them questioning things that had not yet made sense, wasn't it that? "I'm not?", Yujin asked, blurted out almost, but ... he wasn't what? Forgiven? The root of Richards sadness? If anything, it was the latter, but he most likely couldn't be sure until he got confirmation, until something, no, anything was going to start making sense to him. Until then, he wouldn't need to do anything and that, not only, meant that they had some figuring out left to do, it also meant that they both should probably sleep, find some place that wa far enough from the others and ditch the idea of this stupid dinner party that wasn't going to help with anything either way. Happiness was, by far, not the only thing that they both needed, yet they couldn't provide for one another.

      "Are you sure?", Yujin wanted to know, but he knew that Richard had already said no - and that he had to take no for an answer, so he shook his head, right then and there. "I ... if you say she doesn't, I'll accept that", the wolf added suddenly, the opened a door and dragged his fellow wolf inside, closing the door behind them. There they were, back in the same room again - the only stark difference to the other time was, that the bed didn't look made - it wasn't - and that the place were the mirror had sat was empty, which was something the wolf didn't want to talk about, it was ridiculous. Instead, he pulled the blonde with him, made a beeline for the bed and once he arrived there, sat the two of them down. This was, by far, the only thing that he wanted to do right about now, but not only that, it was one of the few things that he could do right about now without actually stirring up a load of shit. "You aren't mad", he concluded. "It also isn't Yin", Yujin said, suddenly thinking about who or what it could be. What came to mind? Nothing, nto one damn thing and now they both sat there, on his bed and were doing nothing more than that. Yujin still held Richards hand, he didn't know what either of them wanted, but ... "You probably don't want to tell me, but is there something you want to get off your chest? Look, I'm here to listen and even if you don't want to, sleeping in your current state will only rattle you awake sooner than later." Now, however, he hatched an idea, leaned over and softly bumped the side of his head against Richards. "What do I do with you ..."
      Looking back, it maybe is like the toy carts you rode when you were a kid. But those toy carts could never go beyond the walls of the lawn. We want to follow the rugged concrete road beyond the wall. As we've grown, we've decided to leave behind the toy cart.

    • Bein with Yujin didn't prevent his nightmares, he knew as much. When he stayed in the hut because of his fever, his presence hadn't been enough so last time he slept well, actually the only time, it had to be something else. Maybe finding what it was would make all of this better, would make him less tired and worn out, about to crumble under all the weight put on him, some of it he put on himself. He missed his brother, his father, his life, his home, all of it and nothing in Silesse was like anything he knew. It scared him. He was scared he'd forget his roots and eventually the faces of those who died. If he forgot them, what was he going to do? How did Nayantai and Caelan pull through all of this? Had they only be killing, or were there times they felt as shit as Richard did right now? Was he weak for being like he was, or was it the lack of people to kill that broke him completely. He wanted to be angry again, because it was better than being sad, but he didn't have the strength right now. And what about Yujin? He couldn't sleep either, only because he had a fight with Richard? That was... odd.

      Richard nodded, Yujins girlfriend didn't bother him, his mind was somewhere else, somewhere completely else and that might have been egoistic, but he couldn't concentrate on anyone elses feelings when his own where so fucking loud inside of his body, that he couldn't even hear his own thoughts. Richard didn't know where they were going but as soon as they entered a room he recognized it as Yujins. Richard was pulled towards the bed, sat down there, Yujin next to him, still holding his hand. Huh... was't that familiar? "I'm not... and she isn't...", Richard confirmed, his eyelids felt heavy and his body ached and if he looked closely he saw his fingers shake slightly. Probably due to the lack of sleep and all the tea Nayantai had made him didn't help one bit. "We shouldn't do anything...", he mumbled sighing, wasn't Yujins room the first place anyone would look for them? Maybe they should just go back and eat... now was not the right time for anything. Richard however had the feeling he had to say something, even though Yujin didn't even ask, instead he just bumped his head against the blondes, which made him relax just a little bit too. Should he tell him about Dayan? No... Richard squeezed Yujins hand just by the thought of it and needed to take a breath in order to hold himself together. He needed another topic... "Do you... still want to know, what's under here...?", he asked and pushed two fingers between his neck and the fabric there. All the while he was just looking at the floor.

    • There was no way out and that much was clear, but, to be fair, Yujin didn't want or need to go anywhere - he jsut wanted to be, to exist, to feel occupied with something, anything, that not only took his mind off of the current situation but also gave him the reassurance that Richard didn't hate him just yet, that that would follow suit once they had time, once they lay there and had come back to their senses, but for now, that was it - there was no need to force something, as there was no need to even think about all of this too much. Still, his thoughts ran rampant and the realization that nothing in life was constant, that things could and would change, that something always waited for one, whether one wanted it or not, didn't it dawn upon him? He felt stupid for not realizing it earlier, instead, he starred at the empty wall from where he said, his mind blank, his heart beating all the way up his throat and his thoughts still focused on the only guy that he was willing to spend the rest of the night with - not that he knew, but Yujin had made up his mind, he was here to make things better, better than they were anyway and he was trying his earnest to keep it that way, to make it feel some way, too.

      "No one's going to come for us, not here - this is too obvious for anyone to even consider it." His room was, in fact, way too obvious for Shuren to pick it as something, maybe even the place that his own son went. They both were trying to outsmart each other, to make a move before the other could and now, Yujin sat there with a depressed halfling, someone that belonged nowhere and found himself wondering if that was, what was bothering Richard if it was none of the obvious things. "We'll do what you want and if that's nothing, that's fine", the wolf complied in the end, not worrying too much about what might be happening if they just decided to actually spend the night together with one another once more. There wasn't enough booze for that insanity, though, not yet and still, he only glanced up to see the blondes facial expression twist ever so slightly when he squeezed his hand, when he moved his fingers to that cloth that still was there, among all the foreign thrian clothing, among anything else. Yujin felt almost bad for Richard, forced to fit in, forced to come here - forced to pretend. "I always want to", he admitted, his gaze not striving from where it sat, in the corner, because that was the only way he could look at the blonde like that. Now, he was the one that squeezed Richards hand a bit harder. "Show me if you want to, if not, I can wait."
      Looking back, it maybe is like the toy carts you rode when you were a kid. But those toy carts could never go beyond the walls of the lawn. We want to follow the rugged concrete road beyond the wall. As we've grown, we've decided to leave behind the toy cart.

    • What would happen if he just leaned over, closed the small remaining gap and kissed Yujin? He didn't know why he even considered it, but that was what his mind was coming up with in this situation and still he knew that that would be a mistake for so many reasons. They couldn't stay here and expect that no one would be looking for them and Nayantai already was pretty sure than Richard had spent that one night together with Yujin, so he probably came to all kinds of conclusions right now, all the while Yujins girlfriend sat with him on the same table. What if she was checking here and found them like this? The best thing would have probably been to just go back and continue eating, but Richard didn't want to be around anyone, except maybe Yujin. He didn't stand up, though he also didn't kiss Yujin, but he put some of his weight on the wolf, let himself fall to the side a bit more and remained there, close to him. His warmth was comforting and he couldn't imagine anything worse right now, than to let go of his hand. He felt weird and tired, eventually he closed his eyes, to close out the rest of the world once more.

      Although his situation was grim and his thoughts swirled around his brother, he also thought about how he lay there and for the first time in a very long time didn't feel like something was crushing him from the inside. Yujin was especially courteous tonight and Richard knew he was supposed to tell him to go back and eat, but he didn't. Maybe they could talk, or just sit somewhere like this, without talking, but maybe now wasn't the best situation, maybe they should just meet later, when all of this was over, it wouldn't take so long right? Wasn't that some sort of plan? They couldn't sleep anyway, so they could just meet somewhen when everyone else was sleeping. Richard was so tired, he seriously wanted to fall asleep right on the spot, but he couldn't and eventually he also removed his fingers from his neck. Not now... "Let's talk...", he agreed, but for now removed his head from Yujins again and opened his eyes. "But not now... let's meet somewhen later... somewhere...", he suggested and turned his head to look at Yujin for the first time today. He wasn't saying that to get rid of him, he just didn't feel comfortable right now... he wanted to be alone with him, truly alone. "Let's get this dinner over with first... Nayantai already thinks we... well we did, but it looks suspicious when we... let's just go back for now... I promise I won't ditch you... just tell me where we'll meet. Do you know a good spot...?"

    • This was an odd scenario in itself, Yujin knew as much, but he didn’t say anything about it - he didn’t want to think, he didn’t need to and all he really wanted was the silence that remained, the moment of peace they shared right now. It felt like forever, but suddenly, all of the anger he’d felt earlier had dissipated, there was nothing and there didn’t need to be anything. Actually, he could spend the remainder of tonight sitting here, falling asleep eventually and feeling invigorated once he rose again, but Yujin knew that that wasn’t going to cut it for Richard, that it was stupid to think that they both worked the same way - wasn’t it insane? “Later? Somewhere?”, he suddenly asked, as if his head hadn’t exactly realized what Richard was talking about. Yujin did, he now realized what it was that the wolf was trying to say, what it was that he wanted - not a secret rendezvous, but rather a forlorn meeting spot for the two of them, a place where no one came, where they’d be on their own for a good while. But where would that be? The guest wing? Nayantai would most likely be there - if they slept in this castle -, Yin would sleep in his bed, in this room, so he couldn’t bring Richard here, but ... there were some places, weren’t there?

      “Your dad knows?”, the wolf suddenly blurted out and used that remaining hand of his to scratch the back of his head and feign a laugh. Fuck, if that old man actually knew, he’d be done for once he’d find himself alone with him, wouldn’t he? This was getting absolutely ridiculous. “You’re right, I said I’ll be back in no time ... we could use some food, too.” Yujin gazed at Richard, who finally gave him the first glance of the night and there it was, a soft smile that he could muster, offer to the blonde to assure him that the world wasn’t going to turn someplace it didn’t belong, as if a simple smile like that would be capable of holding it all together. “We’ll go back, eat, endure whatever they have in store for us and when they go to sleep, you want to meet?”, he tried to clarify once more. Now, he thought he got it, he thought he understood the world around him, the things surrounding him - but did he, really? There was no way for him to understand Richard just like that, but he tried, regardless. “I know plenty of good spots. You know the back entrance you went back out of the last time? If you go a bit further to the left, there’s a staircase there. Take that - there’s only one more room up there, that should suffice. No one’s walking around over there, so we should be fine”, Yujin suggested, but ... he was insane enough, wasn’t he? Now that they sat there, that Richards eyes lay on him, the wolf leaned forward, stole a faint kiss and then, he got up, pulling the blonde with him. “Let’s go back now.”
      Looking back, it maybe is like the toy carts you rode when you were a kid. But those toy carts could never go beyond the walls of the lawn. We want to follow the rugged concrete road beyond the wall. As we've grown, we've decided to leave behind the toy cart.

    • Yujin seemed like he hadn't really be listening and it was kind of funny, so much indeed that Richard felt something other than chaos, sadness, loneliness and anger inside of him, even if only for a little while. But yes, that was what he wanted right? To be alone and safe, without the possibility of someone barging in any time, without someone looking for them. If he wanted to be honest about at least some things that bothered him, then he wanted to feel safe, he wanted to be sure that Yujins ears were the only ones hearing him tell something he'd rather forget. That was what he needed, right now he couldn't anyway, he didn't want to. Hearing Yujins laughter was kind of... refreshing, he seemed nervous all of a sudden, although he told him time and time again that he didn't need to fear Nayantai. He probably would do so even more if he saw all those scars on his whole body. Attempts to shield his children from that in Myriad had been futile, especially if it was a wolf from Silesse that tried to survive the warm weather of Myriad. Richard knew... he probably knew more than Nayantai wanted him to know, but he also knew that he'd not do anything no matter who Richard spent his time with, even if someone broke his heart. Besides, that wasn't was this was and Richard was no little girl that needed her father to save her from th world.

      Richard nodded and made a short approving noise, they should go back before anyone got suspicious. Should they come up with something? Well Yujin was probably better in thinking about a lie than Richard was, so he'd just roll with whatever he came up with, should the need arise. He still wasn't hungry, but maybe he'd be able to force something down. Looking at Yujin smile made Richard wonder if he was always like that. Being sad over fighting with a stranger he slept with once and then being happy, only because he agreed to talk with him. "Yes.", he iterated once more, when everyone else was asleep, they'd meet somewhere and if Richard hadn't convinced himself otherwise by then, he'd tell Yujin a thing or two, if not they could still just sit together in silence. "I... I didn't necessarily mean in here.", he answered almost with a smile, one that probably would have meant he wasn't sure how to deal with Yujin. But he was probably right, where else would they meet? Silesse was cold, especially at night and even wolves with all of their clothes on froze eventually when the sun was down and the wind howling. It would be a short time they'd spent anywhere outside of any walls. "I'll go wherever you send me...", he simply replied and memorized the way to the room Yujin described for him, but shortly after Yujins lips met the blondes, leaving him stunned for some moments. That... wasn't what he was going for. He let himself be pulled up without saying anything anymore and let himself be pulled back to the dinner hall. Once he arrived there, he still sat down at his place again, without saying anything to anyone.

    • Now that Richard said that, he realized that they didn't need to necessarily meet in here - they could go anywhere they wanted and only now did that dawn upon him. But why? Outside, it was nasty and cold and while Richard wore thrian clothes, Yujin wasn't even sure if out there was a good place - maybe they'd spontaneously decide to go for a walk, maybe they'd come up with something else, but whatever it'd be, it didn't actually matter, it would just happen and that'd be it. Why else would he even think twice about it all? That was ridiculous from the getgo. However, that also didn't matter much, they could just do whatever they felt like and that'd be it, no need to think twice about anything, no need to care more than they should - that would just be ridiculous, Yujin knew as much and it would be stupid to even attempt something that neither of them agreed with. "I'll think about something, no worries", he suddenly reassured Richard, not sure why he was smiling - was he trying to make things better than they actually were or was all of that just how it had to be to begin with? After all, they only were dragged along by their own desires, their own stupidity and their inability to make decisions - there was nothing too fun about that, it only served as a reminder that neither of them would be able to really cast away the other - or rather, that Yujin couldn't fucking say no.

      Then they went, out of his room, back to the table they'd previously sat at, but instead of even being asked about anything, Yujin - soon enough - found himself longing for Richards touch, but now he sat there, occupied, trying to force some more food down his throat, trying to make it taste better than it actually did. His girlfriend, on the other hand, sat there, next to him and as soon as he looked like he was done scowling, she wrapped herself around his arm again and started being annoying once more - or at least that was, what it looked like. Yujin took it with humor, offered her a bite of his food from time to time and eventually, even that was gone, but knowing his father, that was neither the last course they were going to eat nor was this going to be the last they saw of thrian cooking tonight. Whatever that was, however, Shuren seemingly spared no expense and one would probably believe that his kitchen staff hated him for having them cook all of that for a handful of people - and they'd be right. Nothing was going to waste, that much was clear, they weren't ready to afford that, but still, Yujin could only stomach so much, banter so much with his girlfriend, his siblings or his parents, with Richard or his father, just to make all of it seem perfectly fine for the time being. Why were they even trying? There was booze, too, but for some reason, he really didn't feel like indulging in it for now, he'd rather not and then, he left it all to the time that seemingly crawled on as slowly as it could. However, one thing that still was annoying was the constant presence of Yin and even when he tried to carefully shake her off, now that he'd offered her food, she wouldn't let go for more than a few minutes. Yikes. "I need my arm." "You'll get it back if I get a kiss!" Gods, he liked kissing ... who exactly? Yin? Richard? Quan's ugly whoremouth? "I really d-" "Kiss me." The wolf sighed, he really wanted that arm of his back, but he really didn't want Richard ey- fuck, no, what did he care? The blonde wasn't his girlfriend and he'd not say stupid shit, or else both Ruozhe and Yin would probably kill him, or rather both of them. In the end, he complied, gave his girlfriend a peck on the lips, one that felt almost awkward and then, his sister hit him on the shoulder. "Look at you, lovebird." "Oh shut the fuck up." Why on earth was he blushing? And why wasn- "My arm." "I'm not letting go", Yin suddenly insisted, cuddling up to him just like that. Fucking hell.
      Looking back, it maybe is like the toy carts you rode when you were a kid. But those toy carts could never go beyond the walls of the lawn. We want to follow the rugged concrete road beyond the wall. As we've grown, we've decided to leave behind the toy cart.

    • Richard trusted Yujin to figure out a good spot, if he said the room up there was private enough he believed him, in the end they both had reasons to hide from other people, he wouldn't pick a bad spot and he knew his home, the castle and Silesse as a whole, better than Richard ever could. Richard wasn't sure how long this dinner would go and if Nayantai and him would crawl back home in the middle of the night, but knowing him he didn't fancy being locked up in a room without the chance to stroll off whenever he liked, because he couldn't sleep much as Richard. They would go home eventually, even if the path wasn't illuminated anymore, Nayantai would find his way unless... Shuren filled his glass every oder minute, didn't he? Well, Richard didn't mind, because in the end Nayantai could use evening with his friends as much as Richard could use them, even though both of them acted like they didn't need and didn't want any of that. Sure Nayantai was much calmer about it, but he rather stuck to his own as well... Richard only now noticed how very much alike they actually were. And he also only noticed now that it made him feel less angry at him... was he even anymore? He still wanted to be on his way back to Adrestia and he kind of gave Nayantai fault for not protecting his children, but the same fault he gave himself for not doing the same. Nayantai at least protected him.

      Richard was glad that no one really talked to him, maybe it was Nayantai on the one side and Xu who didn't talk and only told his sister and Yujins girlfriend to leave Richard and Yujin alone, on the other that made this side of the table much more quiet than the other one. That however left everyones focus more or less on Yujin and Yin who were kind of loud, kind of overly sweet and Yujins sister seemed to dig it very much. At least he hadn't told anyone about Richard as it seemed, still he rather not looked at her. This situation was kind of weird and even though Richard had told Yujin Yin wasn't bothering him, maybe now she did, but maybe she only did because anyone being as lovely as the both of them would have pissed someone like him off, or at the very least reminded him that he could have had that in Adrestia, but instead his family died. He looked on his food eventually and tried to focus on the conversation on his side, but Nayantai and Muhan especially started going off in dialects Richard didn't understand. On the other side of the table the same thing happened, but only sporadically and eventually Richard found nothing else to do but to stop moving the food around from one side to the other, but eventually try and use those stupid chopsticks to get some of it in his mouth. While Yin was occupying Yujins arm and he gave her a short kiss to make her stop, Richard grabbed some meat and managed to put it in his mouth. The next moment he already found that it was kind of hot, in terms of spicy, but it was... no it wasn't bearable! He covered his mouth with his arm and coughed three times before he reached for his water to drink from that, downing the whole glass in one go and having tears form at the corner of his eyes. That wasn't the attention he wanted?

    • This was ridiculous, in fact, Yin was ridiculous. Sometimes, he really wondered how and why the two of them wound up together - Yujin vividly remembered telling her that he wasn't someone for cuddling, that he sometimes enjoyed peace and quiet and if she was looking for something like that in a person like him, he'd be sad to disappoint, but he really, really didn't want to wind up dating her like that. And who still sat them up? Good old Shuren over there, who valued power over actual relationships and only did what he thought was right - sabotaging his own children was just a nice bonus he couldn't really say no to, wasn't it? Besides that, there wasn't much for going on with any of them and Yujin, actually, was surprised that his parent from hell wasn't making efforts to keep Richard away from him - he had to have a hunch, one way or the other and to be frank, that never meant anything good, it never had, it never would and that meant that everything he'd try would be in vain, again, one way or the other. At least Xu was exempt from all those stupid rules, yet, he had the backbone to stick up against Shuren, maybe because he was actually insane or rather because he knew Shuren wasn't, theoretically, his father - but that was the only thing there was, no? Then, why ...

      Loud coughing pulled him out of his daze. What the fuck? Blue eyes, among a lot of others, all of them the same brown hue, fell onto Richard, who was coughing his lung out through his throat as it seemed. Yujin had a hunch as to why and it wasn't his girlfriend and him being unsufferable lovebirds, but rather, because he actually wasn't used to the spicy food they ate - that was, also most likely, why Nayantais food had tasted so bland to him and he'd blamed it on his own cold, but as it seemed, that hadn't been the case anyway. Weird. However, before Yujin could offer his own glass of water to Richard, or anything, both Nayantai and Xu had already picked up on it and shoved their own his way, or rather offered him a fresh one, before going back to what they were doing. "Do you want something else?", Xu suddenly asked, not that Richards dad didn't seem to care, he actually seemed apologetic, but on the other hand, he also didn't want to embarrass his son like that, did he? "I'll get you something ... or well, tell someone in the kitchen if you want", Yujin chimed in - and as if in dismay, Yin cuddled up against his arm some more, pouting this time and demanding ... what even? "I'm riiiight here", she suddenly started complaining. "I know that." "Then pay attention to me?" Now that was a curveball he really didn't want to be thrown. "I can help out a friend, right?" "Not when your brother is already doing that." Eugh, why again did Shuren think she'd make a great, whatever, daughter-in-law?
      Looking back, it maybe is like the toy carts you rode when you were a kid. But those toy carts could never go beyond the walls of the lawn. We want to follow the rugged concrete road beyond the wall. As we've grown, we've decided to leave behind the toy cart.

    • And there he was, all eyes on the whole table were on him, on the stupid blonde sheep that had never tasted Thrian food before. Nayantai should have warned him and Richard should have asked him to cook something Thrian like too, so he was prepared. Instead he only prepared his skill with the chopsticks and he sucked at that too. He didn't like to be the center of attention, he actually never had liked that, that had been Dayans things and it has always been easy for him to capture everyones gaze. If he were here right now and was coughing his soul out, he'd crack some stupid joke and made all of it funny for everyone instead of embarrassing. But Richard wasn't Dayan, he could only swallow down his water and soon enough found two other glasses right next to him, one Xu offered and one Nayantai. He took Nayantais first to drink that too, but it kind of didn't help. Did it get better, just a little bit? Anything? He didn't know, his throat burned, his mouth too... why did he swallow that fucking piece of meat too?

      Xu was the first one talking to him and Richard shook his head. "I'm good...", he answered hoarse, still with a burning mouth and decided otherwise. Yujin chimed in too, but his girlfriend occupied him again soon enough and Richard wondered if she knew and that was why he wanted all of Yujins attention to herself instead of sharing it with Richard. Well, Richard didn't want to get in the way of that, so he turned to Xu for help instead. "Maybe... some bread? Or Milk?", he asked, that stuff wouldn't be spicy, right? Did they even have bread? Well they'd have milk, right? Richard was pretty sure they had sheep here that survived the cold good enough, no cows, but sheep milk was as good, he didn't care. "Unless that's spiced up too...", he mumbled and wiped some tears from the corners of his eyes. Well that was embarrassing and that also meant that he wouldn't be eating anything tonight, right? Did they have anything he could eat? Maybe bread after all? Please? That the first thing he said something was now was hell of embarassing too, wasn't it? He shot a short glance at every person to check what they were thinking, but he shouldn't care anyway. At least Xu and Nayantai seemed worried and not like they were about to laugh.

    • There he was, unable to do anything because Yin wanted his attention, almost demanded it, demanded him to look at her and only her and Yujin loathed it right about now. Actually, he'd be happy to not find that he was the one that Yin was using to satisfy whatever need for attention she had, but she did and so he could only watch on and wonder why that was, keep glancing to Richard to see if he was fine and whenever Yin caught wind, she eventually reached for him, his face, and directed his attention back towards her. Ruo hadn't talked, had she? Now, Yujin didn't know, but what was for certain was, that something was odd and it might have been because he'd been the apathetic one the last few days, maybe Yin just wanted a piece of him, something, really and now there was Xu, trying to make Richard not seem like an outcast, not sound like he was the one that was suffering from so many things at the same time and it, quite frankly, wasn't fun to listen to. "We should, I'll be back in a second", Xu told Richard, got up and when Yujin looked after him, desperately wanted to join his brother to get out of this stupid situation, he was pulled all the way back down. Annoying, wasn't it? Now he sat there, got offered a glass of alcohol and he didn't want to take it, he felt as if he needed to be sober for the rest of the night, but ... fuck.

      His older brother eventually returned, brought Richard some food, probably milk and bread like he asked, but it wasn't just plain bread, he also bought some sort of soup - that much Yujin could identify from glancing over there. "That's the stock they use to boil the rest of the soup with, before they add most of the spices. It's not remotely as spicy as the rest of the food, I promise", his older brother reassured Richard, seemingly, before setting the plate down and being pulled into a conversation by Ruo, one that Yujin didn't even follow because gods, did he not care and hell, Yin was still trying to get him to drink something and she very much was offering him ... what the hell even was that, pastries? The rest of the evening, or rather night, felt like it went on forever and ever and he couldn't even share a single word with Richard, or much more than a glance, without having that loving girlfriend of his interrupt him. She was even more annoying when she was drunk, wasn't she? Well, for all it was worth, she suddenly got up, pulling him with her and then announced that she was grateful for the nice evening, the food and that she-- was staying the night, fuck. As if on cue, they both stumbled out of the dining hall, as if they were dismissed and back to his room - it only could get worse, couldn't it?
      Looking back, it maybe is like the toy carts you rode when you were a kid. But those toy carts could never go beyond the walls of the lawn. We want to follow the rugged concrete road beyond the wall. As we've grown, we've decided to leave behind the toy cart.

    • Xu was actually helping Richard and stood up, while he was very much occupied with swallowing, because his mouth filled with saliva to get rid of that burn. Yujin on the other hand was occupied with his girlfriend and Richard didn't mean to intrude. Yes he wanted to be alone with him, but actually he just needed a friend and he wasn't going to ruin his life by inserting himself, in the end he didn't want a relationship anyway. There was too much attachment and aside from that he didn't know Yujin all that well anyway. And if he wanted to kiss or fuck someone, then he had plenty of other choices but all of that didn't seem to sit all too well with Yujin himself, who ended their talk with a short kiss. Maybe letting him in on something wasn't the smartest idea, maybe he should stay away from him, find someone else to comfort him when he needed it. Richard wasn't able to comfort anybody else, he was egoistic, because he barely was able to hold onto his own sanity. He wasn't something anyone was looking for and Yujin had a girl who loved him apparently, so why would he give that up for a fling, or... whatever really. Richard was exciting because he was from Adrestia and he was blonde, and exotic, but that was about it and it got old eventually. Maybe he shouldn't meet with him... Eventually he was pulled out of his thoughts by Xu who came back with bread, milk and a soup Richard looked at very suspiciously. Well he trusted Yujins brother wouldn't want to kill him, so he thanked him for that, drank some milk, ate the bread and eventually tried to soup once his mouth starte hurting. It was not spicy, not very exciting as well, but Richard was just glad to get something to eat during this multiple courses dinner. Soon enough however Xu was pulled into another conversation, Nayantai was talking to Muhan and Shuren and Yujin gave every little bit of attention to his girlfriend, which left Richard all alone, sulking over his soup and falling back into the hell he was in before Yujin had pulled him away for a while.

      Eventually Yujin and Yin left the room, Richard looked after them, but he couldn't do much about it anyway, why would he? He sat there wasn't talked to by anyone and just was circling the same thoughts about this life he was in over and over again. Sometimes in between he tried to listen in to other conversations, but they were either not interesting or hard to follow for him. In the end everyone got pretty much tired, Xu excused himself shortly after Yujin and his girlfriend, and eventually Richard was alone with three grown up and drunk men. Nayantai was announcing they'd be going home too, but Shuren didn't allow any of that. It was a cloudy night, it was exceptionally dark and cold and he probably was scared Nayantai fell off a cliff if he tried to fight his way back home. He disagreed but Richard chimed in, telling him that it was fine to stay here this night, covering up by telling him, he didn't want to pick him up if he stumbled to the ground, because he was fucking heavy. Muhan even laughed about it, Shuren seemed happy and Richard told those three that that also meant they could sit together some more if a servant just showed him to a room he could use. Only minutes later he excused himself and went to said room, was provided with some clothes to sleep in and that was pretty much it. He wasn't sure if he should meat Yujin, but he was sure, that he'd not be able to sleep, not today and not the next week, maybe afterwards at some point, but right now it was impossible. He lay in bed without changing out of his clothes for a while, staring at the ice that surrounded him. He felt a little bit cold, but it was fine, but he decided to finally go where Yujin had sent him. Maybe he wouldn't even come though, which was fine. He just needed to find his way back to the back entrance and up the stairs, right? He did just that.

    • Yin dragged him all the way back to his room, all the way to where he really didn't want to be when Richard eclipsed most of his thought and Yujin, really, made a mental note to never invite Yin for anythintg ever again if he knew Richard was there, just because she was goddamn annoying, even more so now that she had gotten drunk and was pulling on him as if he were a disobedient dog on a leash. "What do you want, Yin?", he sighed eventually, as she shut the door behind them and dragged him to bed, all the while she tried to get rid of his clothes, or at least any of the outer layers, which all seemed to be somewhat in vain. What on earth now? "Sleep with you", she responded, but she was fumbling with his clothes rather than undressing him, trying to peel them off on corners they wouldn't come off on and trying to make him do it himself. This was going where he didn't want it to go, was it now? "Why on earth would I-" "We're dating, right?", Yin responded and unfortunately, she was right. They were dating, very much so and Yujin was not happy about the fact at hand at all. Well, whatever, he'd make do somehow, he had to, whether he wanted to or not - and that was, probably, why he helped her at her futile attempt of undressing him, why he pushed her onto his bed and ... fuck, since when did he loathe this so much?

      Theoretically, this took a tad bit too long. Practically? He wasn't even a fan of it, but now they lay there, both exhausted and their clothes strewn all over the stupid ice floor. Maybe he'd finally be eaten by his exhaustion, just maybe, but that was something he couldn't quite figure out as he lay there, stared at the ceiling and wanted to just pass out, nothing more than that - Yins breathing evened out at some point and as he wanted to pull the blanket over both of them, Yujin suddenly realized something. Smart move. Still, somewhat annoying, if not really fucking annoying and just about then, he found himself getting out of bed as quickly as he could, wiping off his body that was very much drenched in sweat and fumbling with some less flashy clothes. If Richard saw him like this, he probably could have guessed that something had gone on, but Yujin really wasn't in the mood and therefore, he just got up, peeked at his girlfriend one last time - thank god she was passed out for sure - before he actually made his way through the rest of the icy castle. Richard had probably been waiting for a while and Yujin knew that the room they were going to meet in wasn't even particularly warm to begin with, either. It took a while, and he'd lost all hope, but ... there he stood, still waiting, and Yujin, as he approached him, took one of the candles that illuminated the hallway, Richards hand with the other and pulled him into the room that was pitch black inside, before he shut the door with his foot and lit some of the candles that hung there for a while, almost overtaken by the ice surrounding them. "Sorry, she's fucking annoying", he said. All of the candles were lit and once they were, the wolf set aside the one he held - the room itself looked unused, but it definitely had belonged to someone at some point, evident by the furniture, the freshly made bed, the organized dresser, but all of it was collecting dust. "You wanted to talk, right?" Why was he still holding Richards stupid hand?
      Looking back, it maybe is like the toy carts you rode when you were a kid. But those toy carts could never go beyond the walls of the lawn. We want to follow the rugged concrete road beyond the wall. As we've grown, we've decided to leave behind the toy cart.

    • Richard had found the door that lead outside without anyone seeing it. Then he walked back a bit, left as Yujin had said and eventually found a staircase leading up. He followed it all the way and eventually arrived at a dark wooden door. He opened it slowly, but it was dark and dusty and Yujin was definitely not in there, so Richard had been here first. Maybe Yujin wouldn't even be coming. He closed the door again and decided to wait for a while, he couldn't sleep anyway, no matter what he did, he might as well stood here and walk a view steps down to a window that led outside. It was cold here, but at least there was no wind. Outside it was dark, the window didn't lead to the town, but out giving way to a view over the ice plains which very much were just... dark right now. Out there was nothing, nothing at all. Richard started to think again, about Dayan, where he was, what he did. Richard never was religious, his fathers never had been, his grandfathers hadn't been and he wondered what that meant if there was something in the end. Would it mean they just came nowhere when they were dead? There was nothing? No chance of seeing all of them again? Richard was alone and he felt alone, very much so, especially right now that he just looked into the darkness and put one hand on the ice next to the window, his forehead followed.

      He didn't know how long he stood there, but eventually he heard footsteps and looked down the stairs. Yujin did come after all and he walked up the stairs to grab Richards hand without any comment. He pulled him into the room, closed the door and for a while there was silence, while Yujin lit the candles in the room and Richard followed him, because he didn't let go of his hand. Yujins hair was kind of a mess, he wore something else and... well Richard knew that smell. Not that he minded, he wasn't here to have a romantic night with Yujin, he didn't intend to steal him away for himself, but still he needed to ask at least once. "Are you sure you want to be here?", he asked slowly, without judging him for any decision he made or would make. Richard was... well he was lonely, but he could find someone else and he didn't need to talk now and today or ever. But actually he didn't know what he wanted, he didn't know what to tell Yujin, maybe... maybe he'd just listen? Or should he show him...? Or talk about... There were too many things on his chest and too many things that also were still a mystery around Yujin. In lack of something better Richard didn't just only not let go of Yujins hand, he took the second one too and just stood there, looking at him and waiting for an answer. The wolf seemed restless, maybe a little bit agitated and hectic, he really didn't need to come...

    • What did he want? Yin or Richard? Any of them at all? Or was he just trying to make himself feel something for either of them because he felt as if Richard was the next best thing that would happen to him? Actually, that was silly - he had slept with him once, all the while he was drunk and while they had kissed a whole bunch too, they didn't commit to the feelings that probably weren't even there. This was frustrating, he knew as much, but he'd rather not go back to Yin, he really didn't want to spend the night next to her, in his own bed, when he could as well be somewhere else, lend someone a hand or a shoulder that actually needed it. What was she going to do about it? Yujin wasn't going to lay there, in his bed, for hours on end, staring at the ceiling and waiting for it to melt, not that that would ever happen, but he most likely also wouldn't let any of his demons drag him under. Now, however, he had found his way back here, to where he had told Richard he'd meet him and he was glad that they had this place they could go to, that they weren't outside, because he felt worn and tired, maybe even comforted by the blonde still being there, waiting for him and not even questioning all that much, despite letting something slip from his lips. "I'm sorry for being late, still", he quickly said, as if that was going to change anything.

      What was Richard going on about, though? He was the one that grabbed Yujins second hand, that somehow seemed to be want to held close, but they both weren't really drunk, were they? Yujin had mostly abstained, or rather just pretended to drink most of what he'd been offered - his tired head was enough to make him feel woozy anyway. "I'm pretty sure I didn't want to fuck her", the wolf bluntly responded and yes, he absolutely didn't, but he did, because what was one more time? Eventually, he'd break up with her, never think about it again and then find someone new, until he was annoyed by them as well, then he'd discard them too, or something, until Shuren either stopped him or forced him to stop, whatever came first, well, the prince of Silesse had other worries. "... I want to be here, no doubt about it." Like this, he was gradually calming down and they had everything they needed here, too - most of it anyway. They either could sit or lie down, it was fucking cold in here anyway, but Yujin instead used the opportunity to pull Richard a bit closer, now that they both were holding each others hands and not just one for a change, and pressed their foreheads against one another. This was better, it was good actually. "Whatever you want to say to me or show to me, I'll listen, I'll look at it - all of it."
      Looking back, it maybe is like the toy carts you rode when you were a kid. But those toy carts could never go beyond the walls of the lawn. We want to follow the rugged concrete road beyond the wall. As we've grown, we've decided to leave behind the toy cart.

    • Richard refrained from commenting on Yujins relationship any more. He told him he should break up if he didn't like her and Yujin answered he didn't say that and really, he should keep her. If Richard was the reason he doubted his feelings, or his relationship with her, he really shouldn't, because Richard wasn't here to stay and he wasn't a good replacement either. He was glad Yujin was here, to listen, to talk, nothing more, he needed nothing more, only someone he could confide into, maybe that would help, or maybe he was just making all of this up, because he was tired and grabbed any straw given to him right now. Maybe he should have drank down there, but he hadn't, he just had water and a glass of milk and some soup. And he had a lot of time to think, it didn't matter if he was around people or not, he and Nayantai probably alike had hoped otherwise, but with everybody pretty much ghosting him, there wasn't much to do anyway. He didn't fit in here, that was for sure and no one knew what to even talk about with him. Yujins friends had been pretty much the same, only Yujin was different, wasn't he?

      Richard was somewhat glad that Yujin told him he wanted to be here and not somewhere else, wherever that was. And he was glad when he felt Yujins forehead pressed against his own, for some reason that helped him calm down and know that Yujin was here for him and not because he made a promise without thinking about it, or agreed to Richards stupid request, because he looked like shit. Richard closed his eyes and took a deep breath. It wasn't easy to just start talking like that, he didn't know where to begin, what to say, how to sort his thoughts. "If... if you have something to share... I can... listen too, you know?", he almost whispered, but that was just a futile attempt to get out of the mess he made for himself. Talking... wasn't that what he wanted to do here? "I'm sorry...", he mumbled, his eyes still closed, he called Yujin here and now he was a wuss about it, wasting the princes time. "It's hard to... I'm... I'm tired..." Richard gritted his teeth without even noticing it and he pressed his forehead harder against Yujins, his grip around his hands grew stronger too. "I haven't slept in days... maybe an hour or two each night...", he admitted, saying he was tired was probably an understatement. His body was about to give up under this pressure, under the lack of sleep and the lack of food, because Richard lost his appetite too the last few days. Maybe that was why his hands wouldn't stop shaking slightly whenever he looked at them. His mind was unfocused and his training got harder, he didn't even do it yesterday. Keeping awake was hard, but he also couldn't fall asleep, not even if he was exhausted like that. Whenever he closed his eyes he saw his face, he saw him die over and over again and then his mind started racing, thinking up scenarios in which he was able to save him, if only he had done something. "I didn't... I couldn't save him..." Richard was jumping from topic to topic, wasn't he? But that was how his mind worked right now. There was no stop to it, there was no break, nothing. He was going crazy, if this continued he'd...