sinbound. [Akira & Earinor] [ENG]

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    • "We may not live there and abandon our duties, but maybe we could visit it someday. It's not like the borders are closed and the land ubreachable, we trade, so there are routes we could take." Caelan wondered about the fact the he knew nobody that went there, not even Orlandos family did and they were merchants trying to get a grip on any market they came across. It was different with the wolves, nobody dared to venture far into their barren land and the wolves were cautios not to venture too far into Adrestia themselves, but there were people visiting to learn about their ways or to try to convince them to trade their gods and worship those of Adrestia. The south was a mysterious place, warm and humid, there was nothing much for Caelan in regards of weather, but he was still a little bit curious. "Are you worried about us not stopping that behavior?", Caelan asked slowly, but he already took Ronans thoughts off of whatever he was thinking about. Caelan didn't worry, he rather lived in the moment.

      "Living my life and living your life are two different things though. Forget your father, you live your life right now but you don't like going outside, fight in tournaments, or to hurt people. Naturally you won't get many scars from reading books, but that doesn't mean you are worth less. And isn't it better not to be reminded of things you rather forget? If the lack of scars means anything than that you are strong, your body not budging is a good thing, if only your mind were the same. If you had scars wouldn't you think the other way around? Hating them because it shows your weakness? Ronan you make your life even more difficult than it has to be. You beat me because you were strong enough to bite trough the pain two whole days and even after that much strain you managed to keep me at bay. I fought you just as I would have fought Cameron and you didn't falter although you were hurt and exhausted. If you think I'm strong, wouldn't that mean you're strong too?", he asked, unable to understand Ronans struggle or his feelings towards himself. It felt like whatever he said was wrong anyway. What was he supposed to do? Agree? He couldn't, because the Ronan he saw was npt the one Ronan was talking about. Suddenly he looked up confused. "You fantasize about washing my shirt?", he asked, not having a ckue what that was supposed to mean, it didn't sound very romantic. "Unfair, why? Tell me then what you want me to do, where you want which part of me." Caelan softly bit Ronan in his side and also left a mark on the skin that covered his rips.

    • "Do we even know the language of the south? Do they even have their own? I don't know Caelan, we somehow know more about the wolves than we know about those southbound and for some reason, nobody even worries about that", he mumbled. What secrets did the south hold, hide from them? Why was it so easy to find intel on the wolves, to speak their language with almost no effort but it was so horribly hard to understand what the south was on about? Ronan felt as if they'd found a loophole in the system and if he was honest, there weren't many books, at least not any in adrestian or thrian language, that detailed things about the ominous land that they shared Gaia with, even though nobody seemingly minded, even if there could be an ambush one day. While they did trade with one another from time to time, nothing more came of that and all of them were, very much, just left hanging in the air, almost as if the south did not feel like it needed to divulge a plethora of information, but who cares? Adrestia was Adrestia and once they stopped interfering with everything, maybe the world would be a better place than it was currently. "I'm more worried about finding a solution that lets me keep on my dress in public without you tearing it off my body at the first chance you get", he had to leave the masquerade somehow, without being seen as Ronan of Alster, didn't he?

      "If only my mind was the same, things would be different, you're right about that. Aside from that though, I don't have much to offer, I guess, except for a body that won't budge, that won't let me ... forget it, I don't want to ruin this moment more than I already have." Caelan was right, he never had been wrong, but alas, maybe it was a longlived obsession of his, the need to be someone he wasn't, to understand something he couldn't. Being marred by scars, that wasn't something he ever would be and yet it was something he, ever so foolishly, wanted more than anything else. Why, though? Because he wanted to be like those people he looked up to, like the people that should be cast out of his life, no longer more relevant than they really were? Frankly, he neither knew nor cared. "Whether I'm strong or not, I'll leave up to you", he simply concluded, not wanting to hear another word. While it was true that Caelan only wanted to help, he wasn't sure if he could, not here and not like this, maybe another time, somewhere else, where it actually mattered. But why would he be strong? Caelan said it himself, while his body seemed to be sturdy enough to survive the most stupid of things, his mind wasn't like that, crushed beneath its own weight, at best. "I fantasized about something else that led me to eventually having to wash your shirt - does that work?" Wasn't this embarrassing? "I ... no, not like ... I just want to touch you, too, but I can't do that when yo- OUCH! What was that for!?"
      Looking back, it maybe is like the toy carts you rode when you were a kid. But those toy carts could never go beyond the walls of the lawn. We want to follow the rugged concrete road beyond the wall. As we've grown, we've decided to leave behind the toy cart.

    • "At the very least merchants speak our language. They also have weird animals, there is a book my father managed to get into his fingers. I could show it to you someday.", Caelan smiled. Actually he wasn't all too worried about the south. The king didn't try to reach down there and the south apparently didn't try to come up here. Lavern pretty much protected the waterways with Olette as their backup. The mountains did their part on the land, pasing an army through there would take too long for either side. There probably was some business which only the king knew about, but the south had never been a threat, not for some hundred years. "I won't tear that dress, especially not in public. I worry more about your voice, can you sound like a girl?" Ronan was the one who needed to keep up the act while Caelan was able to be himself, wasn't that a bit unfair? On the other hand, whatever Caelan did he'd never fool someone into thinking he was a woman.

      Caelan shut his mouth, his high spirits were basically gone and he was better off not to say anything. Ronan wanted his body to give up, to let him die, right? What was Caelan supposed to think about that? It was foolish to think he'd be able to cast all that haunted Ronan away, just because he was here now, but he kind of wished that was the case and the fact that it wasn't hurt him in return. He wasn't good enough to clinge to live, wasn't that it? "That was for being you.", he explained his bite and thought about further action. They always ended up arguing about Ronans urge to die, didn't they? So what now? Msxbe just continue their conversation. "I still don't get it. There are many ways to get my shirt dirty right? Why are you so cryptic?", he asked with a raised eyebrow. "So you can't touch me? Well you always let me take the first step and then you just let me do my thing right?" Caelan let himself fall back onto the side and next to Ronan. "Now you can touch me.", he chuckled looking at Ronan like he expected something now and was curious.

    • "The merchants do, but they sometimes croon in ways I don't understand - don't you find the lack of documenation weird, or the fact that we let them pass through our lands however they like, while we punish wolves for even thinking about crossing the borders?" Adrestia wasn't the friendliest of places, that much was clear, but they both lived there and somehow, by the default and birthright, they were supposed to make all of this a much more livable place, weren't they? What else was it worth, if not a moment of respite, though, even if they allowed the wolves to cross over the borders, to become close allies, why would anyone want that? Not only did they have plenty of cultural differences, there also was bad blood between them and aside from that, there was enough to make them mad at one another, to blow their empty promises out of proportion and to think about things that were, quite frankly, unimaginably horrendous to begin with. "Do I need to if I won't say a word?", he asked, as suddenly as he'd changed the tide of their conversation earlier. Ronan was, albeit good at lying, not really good at pretending to be someone he wasn't, lest he'd already stolen Caelans whole personality and started to act like him. "Or do you really want me to talk like this for the entirety of one night?", he suddenly asked, his voice sounding softer, more velvet-y than usual and it was high, not to an annoying degree, but one could tell a notable difference.

      Caelan was like a crutch that he barely could use to hold himself up, but a support nonetheless - something he'd asked for and something was getting, even if he hadn't any need for it right now. One of these days, he was sure, he'd just ruin Caelan and then it would be over - he'd be the one to push them both off of the edge and for that, he wanted to rip out his own hair, end his own life and just act like none of this had happened, like this absolutely wasn't their fault nor was it what they needed at this point. "I can't help being myself", he grumbled, knowing that he was always ruining these situations with his damned insecurities and his non-existing tactfulness. "OH FOR FUCKS SAKE CAELAN", he suddenly yelled, then broke out into laughter - was the blonde teasing him, or was this actually him being as stupid and oblivious as he could get? "I had your shirt in my bed and was holding it close while thinking about you, fantasizing about things we could do because it smelled like you and it was the closest and only thing I had to remember you by, do I NEED to make it any more obvious?", Ronan chuckled, but soon was robbed of even more than Caelans warmth as he entirely seperated himself. "Now you want me to do my thing, I take it?", he asked, crawling over to the blonde, letting his fingers brush across various parts of the exposed body before him, only for his lips to place a kiss at the corner of the blondes mouth, to trail downward, across his neck, to his collarbone, to leave kisses and marks, bites - some softer, some harder -, all the while his hands searched for something to hold onto, a piece of Caelan to keep.
      Looking back, it maybe is like the toy carts you rode when you were a kid. But those toy carts could never go beyond the walls of the lawn. We want to follow the rugged concrete road beyond the wall. As we've grown, we've decided to leave behind the toy cart.

    • "The reason is probably that they are our ancestors and they have the same base religion, believes and traditions, not like the wolves, they are entirely their own and we probably stole all of the land we now own, I don't know, history lies too much in the past I guess. Whatever, you sound like there is some kind of conspiracy, you're not a detective and there probably is nothing like that." Caelan had to laugh listening to Ronan like this, there wasn't much to it probably, the wolves were very different, the south wasn't and they needed the trade with them anyway as opposed to anything the wolved had to offer, that was all. "What if someone asks you a question? You'd just dtay silent and let me answer for you?", he asked, could Ronan even handle that. However, Caelan had to laugh upon hearing the higher pitched voice, not sure what to make of it. "Maybe it's because i know it's you talking, I don't know...", he answered still laughing. He actually couldn't tell if somebody would fall for it.

      "Then you have to get used to bites in your side!", Caelan replied sticking out his tongue like a child, that actually was Ronans thing, but today it was Caelans. Soon after he got yelled at but received an explanation soon after. It made him somewhat speechless for a second and he didn't know what to say. "Ronan... So you ruined my shirt, but that wasn't what I wanted to know silly. What did you fantasize about while masturbating into my innocent shirt?", he asked again and braced himself for retaliation for his cheekyness. For now he only felt soft lips, warm breath and pointy teeth and he enjoyed it. He hadn't been himself if he had been able to just keep his hands by himself, so he in turn searched for something to grab onto as well. Ronans shoulder, his hip or thighs, brushing over his skin that slowly warmed up under the blankets. "Is that all you wanted to do?"

    • "I'm pretty sure we stole much more than we are held accountable for, but ... that's for another day, not now, I can't even begin to fathom the difference between our history and that of which so many wolves tell in scriptures, but alas, everyone always wants to look good to those that follow after them, they want to make sure they make it their birthright and for what?", he sighed. None of the wolves spoke of what they had lost, but their ancestors wrote about plenty of it, reminded the generations to come of what had transpired and they, for one, not only choose to not impart that knowledge to the next, but also swallowed the bitter medicine called acceptance, all in accordance to a brighter future. The South, however, wasn't any different from Adrestia in that regard and who knew, maybe they also stole their land from the wolves, or it was land that said wolves had never ventured into before to begin with. "I mean, I can act like I'm mute, if that helps?" Not, that it would explain something and not that somebody would let a mute noble waltz through the night, but while his voice - his opinions - usually meant power, were used as a weapon, he didn't have to use any of those if he were just a shallow noble girl, void of any importance but pretty enough to be worthy of Caelans attention for a single night. "I'll work on it, in case I need it."

      For now, he wasn't too convincing, but that was alright, he still was a man after all and changing into a woman wasn't a days work, or a lives work to begin with. "For what? You aren't a rabid dog!" Though, if he insisted on doing that, he might as well get him a collart and a leash and maybe a muzzle, just to keep Caelan from biting him for prolonged periods of time, though, where would he find any of that? There was no chance in hell that a dogs would fit and if he had any of these things custommade, he'd probably have a lot of questions to answer, or a lot of weird stares to endure, all because he owned one unruly puppy. "You make it harder than it is to explain!" Aside from being great at setting of the powder keg within him, the blonde also had a special way of embarrassing him, wringing all those juicy details out of him and Ronan was left to wonder where all of that would lead him one day. "Just you. Too often, too many times - this is more cryptic than anything I've said before, but hear me out", he said, stopping in his tracks, taking his lips and teeth off of Caelan, staying close enough to make it uncomfortable, peering upward into blue eyes, cast in endless shadow. "Your touch, your hands specifically and how rough they can feel on my skin if you want them to. Your lips and how nice it is to kiss them, to feel them on my skin and have them leave marks and ... maybe, just maybe, about ... uh. What you did to me at the hut? More than once?", he finished, his smile almost sincere, though a bit apologetic. "I guess it was, I had not ulterior motives, I just ... wanted to feel close and leave my marks on you, too. Is there something you want to do?"
      Looking back, it maybe is like the toy carts you rode when you were a kid. But those toy carts could never go beyond the walls of the lawn. We want to follow the rugged concrete road beyond the wall. As we've grown, we've decided to leave behind the toy cart.

    • "The wolves seem rather content with what they have and I don't think Adrestia wants any of the land the wolves still have either. Wezette and Stenz even trade with them. They have good fur and Stenz isn't hunting so much, so they buy leather and clothes from them, because it's cheaper than buying it from Alster. Maybe that's what makes your father mad.", Caelan smiled. Alster was almost waging a war with them, trying to keep them out at least, Caelan wondered why Ronans father hated them so very much, but then he also hated Fhaergus for whatever stupid reason, but he didn't have much of a choice in regards of trade there. "I don't think you can stand letting me talk for you or listen to any stupid remarks without answering it. I'm just scared your answer won't be very ladylike.", he laughed. Ronan was shy yes, but then again he had very strong opinions and no intention of staying silent all too much regarding some topics. "The dress will help with the illusion." At least his voice wasn't as deep as Caelans, he'd be never able to pull something like that off.

      "I'm not?", Caelan asked joking, they talked about something like that more than once right? Caelan was unable to bite again right now, at least if he didn't want to stop Ronan from what he was doing, so he didn't, instead he was enjoying what he got, all the kisses and touches and that awful pointy teeth pressed against his skin. "You make it hard on yourself.", Caelan laughed and even in the dim moonlight who was sure he saw Ronan blush and taking together his courage to tell the blonde what he wanted to know. Ronan stopped in his tracks and Caelan met his gaze with a grin on his face that grew bigger the more he heard. "You're cute.", he concluded and moved his hand to Ronans cheek, brushing over it softly. "And you're easily satisfied, I imagined you fantasized about more than what already happened, after you read all those books." Caelan still smiled and pulled Ronan in for a short kiss, then he let go of him again and placed his hand back on his hip, brushing over his naked skin. "I'm not someone who plans an awful lot, just seeing what happens next.", he answered still smiling. "Let me kiss you some more."

    • "Not Adrestia as a whole, but who the hell knows what's going to happen once Darragh even gains an ounce of power. There's definitely no mistaking the quality in their products as compared to some of ours, but alas, I'm not worried about Alster losing out on some trade deals, that's very much the last thing I could give a damn about." Alster wasn't poor and while its duke was an asshole, the Duchess of Alster was, very much, not concerned for anything but her fling safely passing between borders for the past seventeen years. Ronan had seen his father plenty of times, the one that he could call a familiar stranger, but nothing more than that - the one that gave him a name, made him who he was and taught him about things that Darragh would disapprove of if he knew and the only one he could confide in if he ever wanted to tell someone who he loved. "I can behave, trust me. I was brought up to be a good child, just because I rebel right now doesn't mean that your little date for the masquerade has to be like me, no? Maybe she's a sweet, well-mannered girl you should introduce to your loving parents", Ronan joked, knowing fully that he was the one that had to make this illusion work and that he was the one that had to force himself into a corset. "And the fact that barely anybody knows Ronan of Alster or expects him to be there."

      Even if his parents went, as long as he stayed out of their sight, wore a mask and didn't even grant them a split second of attention, the two of them were going to be alright, lest it all would result in a disaster. If his mother found out, none of this would even be possible and yet she was the only one he could ask for a favor, wasn't she? For fucks sake, all of this was going to be complicated, was it not? "No, puppy", he joked in retaliation, fully aware of the irony in his words to begin with. What felt like an eternity of nothingness, of a future once so bright dissipating, was simply him making a frugal mistake one more time. "If I'm not, I can't be the best I should be, nor can I improve myself. Growth stems from failure", that was, what Darragh had told him and for once, maybe he was right. Maybe growth did stem from failure, from the things in life he couldn't achieve and yet he was the one that failed to uphold the most basic of rules. "Cute!? And no, I just like your touch and that one time you ... uh ... just took what you wanted? That's kind of everything I need", he mumbled, ready to hide his face once more, but the kiss he received felt like a tipping point. "Unfortunately I hatelove suspense of any kind", Ronan mused, enjoying the touch he received. "If you want to, I'll be glad", he said, inching closer, burying one of his hands in blond strands of hair, all the while he was the one that kissed Caelan, that wanted more than just a kiss but rather tried to coax his mouth open.
      Looking back, it maybe is like the toy carts you rode when you were a kid. But those toy carts could never go beyond the walls of the lawn. We want to follow the rugged concrete road beyond the wall. As we've grown, we've decided to leave behind the toy cart.

    • "I think if he wanted to start a war he'd already done it.", Caelan concluded. How long did the piece they lived in hold already? Ronans father had fought some minor fights, but there had been no war, not amongst Adrestians and not with the wolves. Why would that change? If anyone started a war they would first need the approval of the king and he didn't seem like a man who wanted any of this, and the crownprince wasn't either. The kingdom was stable and rich enough to have their own people fed, even the peasants didn't live a gruesome life, not like in the old days. Every country had something they had and something they needed from others and that gave balance throughout, didn't it? "Oh I won't introduce my fake girlfriend to my parents, don't worry. Besides they would probably ask a lot of questions, because I never introduced any girl to them. They would want to know where you are from and they wouldn't approve of any girl that they never heard of before. They would probably hope I loose interest in you like in any other girl I kissed." If Ronan had been a girl at least his standing was the right one as daughter of the duke of Alster, but his role as some minor noble girl would still cause problems with Caelans parents.

      "Why are you getting all philosophical?", Caelan asked with a crooked grin. "I don't think you will ever grow out of blushing that easily." It was cute though, Ronan sometimes acted so tough and then some well chosen words made him blush and hide, Caelan wondered why that was. There were times were even Caelan blushed, but he wasn't put off so easily, not if he didn't have a problem telling the truth, for example how beautiful he thought Ronan looked and how much he enjoyed the touch of his skin. "Why are you still acting surprised when I call you cute? You are, especially when your cheeks turn red.", he replied chuckling and watched as Ronans face turned even more red while he was talking. "And when's your turn to take what you want, huh?" Caelan was sometimes not sure how to tell in what mood Ronan was. Sometimes he wanted to be handled rough and sometimes he wanted to feel strong, Caelan probably still had a lot to learn. The hand in Caelans hair felt nice, the kiss felt even nicer. Caelan was glad his face was playing along, none of it really hurt, neither now during the kiss nor when he softly had bitten Ronan. Being close to Ronan but not being able to kiss him had been torture, he enjoyed the kiss even more now and let his hands wander over Ronans body.

    • "The thing is, he is just my mothers husband, nothing else - he's not supposed to make any decisions, but if he could, he would have, trust me Caelan. For now, his only real task is shutting the fuck up", he hissed. Why did they always come back to how cruel this world was, how cursed it was to be their parents children and why it always was so hard to follow simple rules, to live a life void of happiness, full of suffering? Although, whatever Darragh truly cared about Alster or only the status that he got from marrying Saoirse, he couldn't tell. What he could tell, however, was fiction from reality and in this case he was happy to be himself, happy to be someone he needn't be - someone that other people wanted him to be, but he himself found no joy in being. Whatever it was that tortured him as much as it did, Ronan wasn't certain, but Caelan was the only one that was responsible for none of it, that felt like someone he could lean onto. "Oh boohoo, if you ever end up with a lowly countess, I'm going to get mad", he chuckled - but that wasn't something that was out of question. They couldn't be together forever, they couldn't pretend to be someone else until the end of their lives, no matter how much they tried. "Though, if your father knew you are dating someone, he wouldn't annoy you and think of you as someone that only sleeps around, or am I wrong?"

      Sure, he could be, but who knew that? He, very much, didn't and wouldn't, simply because there was no need to and any attempt felt like it had been in vain to begin with. Caelan was right, introducing him to someone, someone he theoretically knew and drawing parallels to them never was a wise decision, especially not like this, not here and especially not anytime soon. "Can't I?", he suddenly asked, though, he was right, getting phylosophical wasn't exactly what he wanted, nor did he really desire anything of what was transpiring right now, right here, to begin with. As mighty fine as it sounded, they both were young and without much of experience, so all that was left was spending time with one another, for the sake of being and for the sake of existing for a little time. "Because I'm not used to it and I don't have anyone else to call me cute to begin with, so it always seems like it comes entirely out of the blue", he grumbled, but he let Caelan do all of this, anything he wanted, just for the sake of being able to take some more of him, to steal a piece from the person he admired, the person he loved. "Who knows, maybe it'll be soon", he chuckled, knowing fully well that at this pace, he was never going to take anything from anyone, especially not when his lover wanted him to. "You are pretty daring today, why is that?", he suddenly asked, swooping in to steal just one more kiss before taking his lips off of Caelan entirely. "And what now? What do your hands want?"
      Looking back, it maybe is like the toy carts you rode when you were a kid. But those toy carts could never go beyond the walls of the lawn. We want to follow the rugged concrete road beyond the wall. As we've grown, we've decided to leave behind the toy cart.

    • "Calm down Ronan.", Caelan said as calm as he could. He didn't want to offend Ronan and he didn't even know how he always circled back to his father somehow. Either he was complaining about Darragh, or he was complaining about himself, talking himself down and saying he wasn't what he should be, whatever that was. Ronan simply had to stop giving a fuck, he would have been so much better off, but Caelan didn't know how to help him achieve that. If anything he always made it worse and somehow started a topic he had better not, pushing Ronan into a downward spiral, making Ronan hate himself over and over again. Caelan knew that he often just talked instead of think, but he didn't know when to stop. "Maybe I'll never marry.", Caelan sighed, he'd stay with Ronan in secret and refuse any marriage, that should be easy enough. He could worry about heirs later on, much later on. "You think? My father doesn't want me to date anyone I'm not ready to marry and at the same time who I marry is also not up to me." That was the truth, but Allard never managed to dictate Caelans life too much, so they both didn't get what they wanted.

      "It's almost too easy to make you blush, yet you read all those books and dream about stuff I can't even imagine, it's funny." Ronan probably had dreamt about more than what he told Caelan, at least he had some plans for the two of them, but was probably too shy most of the time to pull through. What needed to happen to have the Ronan back that knew exactly what he wanted from Caelan? Now he kind of seemed unsure, shy and cautious, was it because they were outside in the open, not save from any prying eyes, or was there something else? Maybe he was just cold. Caelans hands continued rubbing his body, touching cold skin to warm it up. "Sometimes you're like a stray cat. You're shy but you actually want to trust me, feel close, but you're not sure if you can. You're careful and when someone is nice to you, you are surprised. That's cute.", Caelan explained and removed a strand of hair out of Ronans face. "You at least have the teeth of a cat already." Caelan looked at Ronan, let his hand move from his cheek over his neck, shoulder and side. It was odd how much he liked to touch him. "Daring? Maybe I just want you to figure out what you want for a change. I've gotten everything on a silver plate for the past few days, so it's your turn now." Caelans hands didn't want to let go, that was for sure and since Ronan was just chilling there he grabbed him softly and pulled him on his lap. Lying on his back, he looked up at Ronan smiling, looking at what was partly his. "My hands want to keep touching you, what about yours?"

    • "I'm not mad, don't worry", he himself crooned,l as if he wanted to justify that he was not perfectly fine as is, but also no one to worry, or even care about. Unfortunately, Darragh existed and that meant, for the lack of a better word, that he had to deal with him for as long as possible and that - seemingly - would be for a long time, longer than he anticipated. Though, this here, this situation, while he wanted to be here, be with Caelan, he no longer wondered why he had to be himself, or someone he really wasn't, why he pretended to like things he didn't, or why he just hoped for a better tomorrow when he could at least try to make today a better day than it was, to resist the temptation of things that crawled beneath hi skin, that tore him apart from the inside. None of it, seemingly, mattered and all he cared about was the happiness that he thought himself to be unworthy of receiving, that he no longer could wholly perceive, either. "Who cares", he mumbled. If Caelan were to marry, he still was the one that owned him, his heart and so much more of him and he wasn't keen on sharing with anyone else, not if he didn't have to. "Then that's all the more reasons to show him that you can pick someone out yourself, that you can be faithful and loyal, maybe that will show him that you're more than a little kid now."

      "Dreaming or reading about them is quite different from experiencing them, you know?", he sighed, knowing fully well that - all the while he was trying to keep up with the pace, was trying to keep up with Caelan and the things the blonde did to him, the things he wanted to do to him, nothing was easy, not a single thing. Ronan was cautious, always had been and he'd rarely let anyone seen beneath the coat of his existence, beneath the worry of his life. Truthfully, though, he tried his best to exist, to bring nothing upon him or anyone else - all he had, for now, was the burden of himself and the one man that he gave a damn about, hoisting him around like he was nothing. "Do you really want to call behavior like that cute?", he asked, his eyes glued onto the blonde. While it was true, his skittish nature and his behavior could be interpreted as that of a cat, lonely and scared, maybe even lost, all of it had to come from somewhere, didn't it? "Cats don't leave marks when they gently bite you." More akin to the teeth of a wolf, just like his hair and his unbefitting demeanor, but nothing else. Ronan could've told Caelan everything, but now was not the time, not here, not anytime soon. "My turn? I don't ... I want nothing. Not today." His expectations were high, one way or the other, but right here and right now, he wanted nothing from his lover, not a single thing. Just a few more touches, a few more moments to watch him in the moonlight before complaining about the cold, before insisting they get dressed and go inside, but with Caelan by his side, he wasn't cold at all. "Maybe ... I do, too?", he mumbled, cautious about all there was, fidgeting with his own hands before long, before he looked at Caelan from where he was. What did he want?
      Looking back, it maybe is like the toy carts you rode when you were a kid. But those toy carts could never go beyond the walls of the lawn. We want to follow the rugged concrete road beyond the wall. As we've grown, we've decided to leave behind the toy cart.

    • "Not at me at least.", Caelan chuckled, softly poking Ronan in his side. He had to smile a little bit more. They were alone, together, the night was beautiful, the air felt good, what was there not to enjoy? Given, Ronan wasn't a fan of the outside world, of the cold air, but maybe he could enjoy this too. The topic of his own father had made Caelan mad in the past too, bu nowadays he was way more attached from all of that, he just knew his father and himself would never become any closer, he was fine with that, or at least he accepted it. "I don't think that will work. Besides, I'm with you, why would I search for someone else? And telling my parents who I truly love would just... I don't even know what would happen. They'd probably lock me up until I forgot about you or at least won't mention it again." At least they wouldn't kill Caelan, he was pretty sure of that. He was the only son of his parents and where he to be publicly executed, it would only cause trouble for the house of Fhaergus, they'd never be looked at the same again and they had a hard time coming with no rightful heir whatsoever.

      "I know that, but you're not even experiencing any of it, I just need to find the right words.", Caelan explained chuckling. "You would tell me if you're not okay with anything, right?" He wasn't sure where this was coming from, but after Ronan read all those books he had another standard he could strife for, but maybe shouldn't. Only because he read something didn't mean he had to like it and Caelan somehow worried Ronan would force himself to do certain things, just to live up to expectations no one really had. "Yes and if that's not enough, red cheeks alone make you pretty cute. It suits your pale skin and when you use me for hiding, I think you are cute too." Maybe Caelan should stop that, maybe Ronan didn't want to be cute, but being cute didn't mean that he couldn't be something else as well. The good puppy Caelan was sometimes also cute, wasn't he? "But cats leave scratches when playing with them, just like you.", he retaliated and softly tickled Ronan for a few moments. "Nothing? Nothing at all? Not even to cuddle up and look at the stars some more?", Caelan asked almost confused. Ronan was weirdly passive today. "You've proven to be more... demanding in the past, half an hour ago you asked me to fuck you already and now you don't even know what to do with your hands. Is something wrong? Are you worried someone could find us here?", he therefor asked carefully.

    • "Caelan, what the hell do you mean?", he sighed. Of course he was mad at his father, there wasn't any reason for him to not be, but that had nothing to do with either of them, or the fact that they spent a little too much time together. Every fucking time they wound up talking about something, though, they also found themselves entrapped in their own past or things that still were relevant to this day for them - they both had their own fair share of pain to share and communicate with one another, wasn't it that? Wasn't that what they had asked for, what they wanted and what they thought they deserved? If not one another, what would it be that they could have deserved wholeheartedly? "I'm sure it will turn out fine, but for now, for the love of whatever is holy to you, please, just stop. As nice as it is to hear that you won't ever trade me for anyone and as well as I know that by now, it's impossible to not marry anyone - or not produce an heir with a potential wife." Ronan was tired of the things he wanted, tired of the thoughts he'd voiced himself, just earlier, without thinking too much about any of it - and his lover had been right. "Then we keep it a secret."

      Secrets were everything they had and half of his life was one, to be frank, but there was barely anything else he could do, nothing that amounted to anything in this shallow little world of theirs. "You misunderstood. Experiencing you, being nice, genuinely loving towards me is something different than reading about it and thinking it is something - you are at fault for me being the blushing mess I am, I daresay", he explained to the blonde, not exactly filled with vigor over the situation. Though, he knew that there were certain things he should think about, Ronan also knew that there was something else, an evergrowing void, that clinged to himself, without much of a fanfare. "Is there anything about me that you don't see as something cute? And no, I won't force myself to doing something that I don't want to do, don't worry about it", he reassured the blonde. His behavior stemmed from failure, form being forgotten and thrown around, thrown away and cast aside, nothing else than that. Albeit foulmouthed and rash, frank even, the heir of Alster had felt lost more than once so far, more than left behind by a few people, but it all was fine, at least for a dwindling moment. "When did I? I leave bitemarks, if anything." Though, Caelan might have been right, he was a cat, nothing more than that, he'd never been anything else, or was he? "I'm overthinking something, everything is fine", he said, shaking his head, grimacing at Caelan before he let go of a sigh. "I just don't know where I should put my hands, or my mouth, or my thoughts."
      Looking back, it maybe is like the toy carts you rode when you were a kid. But those toy carts could never go beyond the walls of the lawn. We want to follow the rugged concrete road beyond the wall. As we've grown, we've decided to leave behind the toy cart.

    • "Nothing, don't get riled up.", Caelan answered, rubbing Ronans arms to calm him down a bit. He said he wasn't mad, but something was clearly amiss. Caelan asked himself why they couldn't just spend the night outside and relax instead of arguing about things they couldn't change anyway. The blonde took his hands off of Ronan because he wasn't sure if Ronan even wanted to be touched right now. What had happened between coming back up here and now? Was every relationship that complicated? Never had Caelan felt so good and so bad at the same time before. "Okay.", Caelan mumbled as he was told to shut up. Sometimes he felt there was nothing he could say around Ronan without making him upset. Saying he'd marry at some point but it didn't mean anything made him sad and saying he just won't did too. Voicing compliments made Ronan upset because he thought nothing of it was true, but letting him talk himself down proved to make him upset too. So what exactly was Caelan supposed to do?

      "I know, I make you blush on purpose.", he replied with a small smile, barely visible. It also seemed the wrong time to tease Ronan. "You're more than just cute, yes. Foremost you are intelligent and brave. As for appearance, I think you are very attractive, I know you don't want to hear that, but when you got rid of your shirt at the lake, I felt attracted to you already and I made up excuses to touch you, didn't I? And do you think I'd wrap my arms around just about anyone I barely know?" Thinking back what was coming was pretty obvious, but Caelan didn't understand why he did what he did at that time. He thought nothing about it, but he was the one who started to flirt with Ronan, who found excuses to touch him in the lake and also outside when he searched for scars that weren't there. Caelan still looked up at Ronan, unsure what to do now. "How about putting your hands here...?", Caelan asked and moved Ronans hands to his chest and stomach. Then he pointed at his lips. "Your mouth belongs here." Caelan put his own hands softly back onto Ronans body and he made sure the blanket was still wrapped around him. "Do you want to go back inside? Or do you want me to make you forget those thoughts?"

      Dieser Beitrag wurde bereits 1 mal editiert, zuletzt von Earinor ()

    • "I'm not, don't worry", Ronan summarized. He wasn't mad, he wasn't riled up and all above that, he definitely wasn't annoyed by anything Caeland had been doing - it was nice to know that somebody cared about him, but aside from that, the world itself felt like a heap of trash that was waiting to be conquered by someone like him, someone like Caelan, that could spread his positivity, despite the fact that it all boiled down to nothingness. His issues were worth laughing at, or even mostly forgetable, Ronan was very much aware of that, but nothing else - it was laughable how much he hated his father and how the mere mention of him or a similar figure of authority sent him spiraling downwards, onto his very own end. Frankly, he was the one that kept ruining situations and that was a bitter pill that he was forced to swallow, whether he liked it or despised it, Ronan had to deal with it one way or the other. Caelans touch felt nice, dragged him away from his initial thoughts and just made verything seem like it'd be okay eventually, or like it at least had meaning and purpose, even though he knew it wasn't like that and they both were trying to make an awful reality seem a lot better than it was, that much was apparent.

      "Oh, do you now?", he mused, looking at the blonde that had already taken his hands off of him, that seemed uncertain as to what the hell he was supposed to do now, or if it was any use to him to even keep acting like he hadn't already seen beneath his facade, beneath the fact that he was torn and unsure where to go or what to do. "So we both kind of had ulterior motives at the lake, didn't we?", he chuckled, but only shook his head right thereafter. He didn't want to go fishing for compliments, he didn't even want to try any of that, but for now he was stuck doing everything with the utmost care, simply because he knew that he'd reached his own tipping point and he didn't want to make the situation worse than he already had to begin with. "Here? But why?", he wanted to know as he let Caelan do whatever he wanted, only to view his hands in a puzzling manner and question what the hell he would do with them like this, but ... maybe they just needed to be somewhere instead of nowhere, how was that? "Mhm, that I know." Where else would he put his lips, if not to good use? Maybe that was why he stole a kiss as soon as he could, but only for the satisfaction of it. "I'd like it if you could make me forget first."
      Looking back, it maybe is like the toy carts you rode when you were a kid. But those toy carts could never go beyond the walls of the lawn. We want to follow the rugged concrete road beyond the wall. As we've grown, we've decided to leave behind the toy cart.

    • "Yeah, I like seeing you with red cheeks and attempting to hide from the world.", Caelan smiled nodding, looking at Ronan to figure out what he wanted. However, how was Caelan supposed to figure something like that out when Ronan himself honestly didn't know what he wanted. Caelan was at a loss, waiting for Ronan to show him any sign of anything, something to hold onto, to move forward. "Well I'd lie if I said I knew what I was doing, I wasn't. I just realize those things now that I know what it is I'm feeling. I also was teasing you, but looking back I'm pretty sure you were flirting with me and it wasn't just something I purposefully misunderstood. In the end it was pretty easy for you to get my coat and my arm around you I guess." Caelan wasn't sure if he had done any of this for anyone else. He probably would have done the same with a girl, because he was so used to flirting and he also actually did care about people who are feeling cold. He wasn't sure though if he had offered someone else his code, or if he had actually cuddled with any other stranger.

      "Why not?", Caelan asked in retaliation after moving Ronans hands somewhere. "Do you want them somewhere else? Wherever is fine.", he chuckled and moved his own hands around Ronans body. The short kiss was feeling nice and it made Caelan smile when he heard Ronan rather wanted to take his mind off of things before going back inside. Caelan sat up, with Ronan still on his lap. His arms found their way around his body, holding him and softly pressing him against his body. One hand was crawling onto Ronans neck, his arm supporting Ronans back. He also made sure the blanket was still draped around Ronans shoulders and wouldn't fall off. The other arm draped itself around Ronans hip, pulling him even closer. "Then lets both shut up for now...", Caelan whispered and since Ronan was still on top of him, he had to look up just a little bit, but this made it easier for him to place his lips on Ronans collar and neck and to slowly move upward to Ronans lips, kissing him, as was where Ronans lips should be. The kiss was soft, but deep and at least Caelan easily lost himself in the feeling. His fingers played with the short strands of hair that were not long enough to fit in Ronans hairband. The fingers of his other hand softly scratched Ronans exposed skin, his arm however gave Ronan little room to move in the blondes embrace.

    • "Am I that enticing?", he asked. Ronan acted like Caelan knew nothing about him, like he knew nothing about the blonde, but he did - knew more than he should, more than he wanted and everything he said, any nonsense that crossed his lips, sounded even worse when it rolled off of his tongue. "I'd rather be with you than be seen by the world", he elaborated to his boyfriend, to the man that he denied just that privilege seconds ago. While the two of them were nothing more than strangers that were starting to get to know another better, it was almost painfully apparent, that there were disrepancies in any statement that they could potentially let loose. "We are both young and naive, we have every right to - and look where it brought as, I wouldn't say I regret doing what I did", Ronan chuckled. As mighty fine as it was to believe his own lies, he wasn't lying right now and he most certainly wasn't the one that was attempting something genuinely stupid, or even questionable. Frankly, Ronan of Alster was being honest - and more than happy to be close to someone like Caelan, someone he admired and, in the end, actually cared about. "Fair, why not is a good answer - there's no reason why it shouldn't be." They both were revolting like this, perhaps even a bit too sweet, candid for the naked eye and Ronan wasn't about to make it his or Caelans problem, rather, he was fairly hellbent on making it everyone elses problem, lest they understood what it meant to actually care for someone. "No, I think it's best to keep them where they are right now", he concluded, fully understanding that maybe he should have taken Caelans offer, even if it was merely a bribe of sorts, but what else was he supposed to do?

      Right now, he wanted nothing more tahn to be close to the blonde and if he took his hands from him, he feared that he'd be one more step away from him than he already was - and that was, without much of a doubt, not someting he wanted or even planned for. "You're right, we should." Words were nothing more than going to get in their way and they were going to interpret something into it that nobody had ever said - therefore, why use them, if they only led to misunderstanding after misunderstanding? Caelan was right and while Ronan watched him sit up, do what he wanted, he remained silent, let his body tense up, felt one or two shivers run down his spine, just because Caelan was touching him and he felt oddly defensless before him. His lips tingled, much like the rest of the areas that Caelan was touching and Ronan wondered if, and only if, something was terribly wrong with him for enjoying this, for putting his arms on the blondes shoulders, his hands into the blonde hair at the back of his head and his lips back on those that had just kissed him seconds before. This felt good, didn't it? None the wiser, he pulled on Caelans hair, not too fast, not too harsh, just to test something out, to get a good grip and arch his head back slightly, before he exposed the blondes neck and returned the favor, went back down his throat to put his lips where they didn't belong - but his teeth did, even if they were only grazing the skin beneath him.
      Looking back, it maybe is like the toy carts you rode when you were a kid. But those toy carts could never go beyond the walls of the lawn. We want to follow the rugged concrete road beyond the wall. As we've grown, we've decided to leave behind the toy cart.

    • "You know I'll protect you if needed.", Caelan smiled and if Ronan just needed someone to lean onto Caelan was also there for him, as much as he could. Caelan knew sometimes that wasn't enough but he gave his best, as much as now, to let Ronan forget what troubled him, to have a moment of peace. "I don't regret it either.", Caelan agreed, why would he? Even if this relationship just meant trouble for both of them, even if it meant they had to hide, Caelan was ready to do whatever it took to continue being with Ronan. Finding him hadn't been too hard, but he had regretted it if he haf just let him go again. What hapoened to them went fast, but that only meant they had more time together now. They couldn't spend as much time together as they wanted anyway, being forced to part ways time and time again for long times and the older they grew the more difficult it would get. It was good they had found each other as long as they were still young and not bound to anyone else.

      As Caelan said he shut up now and he also let Ronan put his hands wherever he wanted them to be. Right now, after Caelan sat up, he wanted his hands to be at his neck and in his blonde hair as it seemed. Did it work? Taking Ronans mind off of things? He seemed more present, in the now, here with Caelan and not somewhere else, somewhere dark. Ronan didn't just kiss him back to role with what Caelan was doing, right? If he needed confirmation he got it when he felt the soft pull on his hair. He didn't deny Ronan what he wanted to do, let his head be pulled back and soon after felt a electrifying tingle run through his body when he felt Ronans lips and teeth on his skin. With nothing else to look at he looked at the stars that sparkled above them for a moment, before closing his eyes again to enjoy. The nightly air felt good, Ronans touches and his body on Caelans felt better. Since he wasn't in the position to kiss Ronan back right now, his hands had to do the work and they did, brushing over his skin, he even pressed him a little bit closer. He wanted to kiss him, but he didn't fight against the soft tug on his hair, not now anyways, but his hands ventured further, over Ronans back, down his spine, all the way.

    • What more words did they need, really? They both had agreed upon things, upon a plethroa of thoughts that they no longer could not not voice, but as time went on, they both realised, mainly for themselves, that in reality, nothing was as sweet as it seemingly sounded. Ronan was, without a doubt, depressed and while Caelan was useful for counteracting just that in various ways, neither of them could fix everything with a snap of their finger or with the horrendous assumption that the world would bend to their will if they wanted it to. Naturally, that also meant that they would be forced to overcome their insecurities sooner or later, whatever it took and for now, they also had no chance to even do anything for or against themselves. What mattered right now, though, was having Caelan close, really nothing else - and that also meant, that Ronan wasn'*t asking for any of that. Instead, he sunk his teeth into the blondes throat one too many times, even though he was incredibly playful and careful about it, not willing to hurt the blonde to begin with. What they had was their very own bond and no one would take just that from them, wasn't it that?

      Whatever he left on Caelan would stay for a while, any of those deep red, soon to be purple and blue markings, would just make anyone that saw them question why exactly they were there, but for one, Ronan stopped caring and for the other, the movement of Caelans hands felt kind of reaffirming, telling of what was happening - and he accepted it as such. WHat was he even thinking? What would he do if some of these marks stayed, if someone saw what he had done to his fellow noble? Although, Ronan wanted nothing of it, not a single thought - anything he wanted was silence, maybe a noise from Caelans lips, but for now, he stopped his assault on the blonde, took his mouth off of him and loosened his grip on the blondes hair. It wasn't important to leave as many marks on him as he did, though, it would be nice seeing his finished product, but for that, it was way too dark outside. Instead, he let his head come back down, just enough to press a kiss onto the blondes lips once, then twice. What else did he want, what else could he ask for? Ronan was content like this, especially once he took his hands out of Caelans hair, unsure what to do - he wasn't cold or satisfied just yet, but going any further wasn't a good decision, not out here, in a myriad of blanket and clothes. "What now?", he whispered into the blondes ear, only to bite his earlobe right thereafter.
      Looking back, it maybe is like the toy carts you rode when you were a kid. But those toy carts could never go beyond the walls of the lawn. We want to follow the rugged concrete road beyond the wall. As we've grown, we've decided to leave behind the toy cart.