[2er RPG] The Shepherd [ENG]

"I never went camping before", Dylan said, "Can we do that here? In Seattle it was always raining and Mom was always working, so we never did that."
Marcus went through his mental maps of the area for a second.
"Technically, we could. Maryland is famous for camping spots. That's not even an hour away. If the weather keeps up, it should be no problem. But wen have to get the gear for a trip like that. I never went camping either so Logan's gonna take the lead on that one."
Dylan smiled at Logan.
"Can we go? Can we go? Can we go?", he asked excitedly.
Marcus smiled, too. He always liked it when Dylan was happy like this. And every time he mentiined his mother, Marcus tensed a bit. But Dylan seemed to be just fine.
While they were talking about their upcoming trip into the woods, Marcus' unfiltering brain told him that a woman entered the small establishment. He looked at her, she smiled and nodded as if she wanted to great him. But something wasn't right. Her smile... it wasn't a happy one.
"We should go", Marcus said, "now."
He got up and grabbed Dylans hand. The boy was confused but he grabbed his icecream and followed his dad outside towards the car.
"What's wrong, dad?", Dylan asked, but Marcus didn't reply.
Instead of getting him in the car, Marcus went around it and told Logan to do the same. He prayed that he made a mistake but as soon as he put his hands on Dylans ears, all hell broke lose.
The building, they just left, was halfway destroyed by an explosion. There was a fire inside and people everywhere.
Marcus opened the door to their SUV and shoved Dylan inside.
"You stay here. Keep your head low and don't look outside the window, you hear me?"
Dylan was scared but nodded.
"You promise me. Never look out the window and don't leave the car until one of us is back, okay?"
Marcus held out his pinky and Dylan did the same.
"We're right back, I promise", Marcus said and closed the door.
Then he got up and went around the car. There was screaming, blood, bodies everywhere. He took a deep breath and headed out to help people.
"I'm working for the Ministry of Justice! You, sir, call 911! You, you and you", Marcus took three bystanders and quickly introduced them to the triage system.
The build three zones for victims: green for lightly hurt who could walk alone; yellow for more injured but stable; red for unstable and critically injured. At this time of day, the streets were packed. Any help would need fifteen minutes at least to get here.
"Anyone with just a little knowledge of medicine should help these people! Everyone in the green zone needs some water to clear their airways of the smoke! C'mon people!"
After everything was set in motion, Marcus called Mike.
"Mike? Yeah, it's me", he explained everything to his boss, including the fact, that he thought, it wasn't just coincidence.
There was more to it. Women didn't usually use bombs, especially not in a suicidal way. And why attack a little shop that's not even in the beating heart of a city? All of this just didn't line up.

Logan smiled. Half of the stuff they'd need he had in the garage. That is... when Marcus didn't throw it away. Probably they'd need a sleeping bag for Dylan and maybe a bigger tent for the three of them. Logan was a little bit excited too, but raised an eyebrow when Marcus mood changed in less than a second. Nevertheless he followed him outside without asking. Marcus knew what he was doing most of the time, so Loagn got behind the car. As soon as he ducked he heard a big explosion, the car jumped and the alarm went off, as well as thousand others. While Marcus got Dylan inside the car, Logan went around it again to get a grasp of the situation. The building they just were in had a huge hole on the side and there was a fire. It wasn't hard to catch up. Who if not Marcus father could be the one behind it, but instead to get angry, Logan saved that for later and focused on the mess he was looking at. Marcus would manage here in front of the shop, Logan would manage inside. He got some water of some perplex guy and his scarf to wrap it around his mouth and nose and straight went inside to see if anybody was still alive. He counted the people in the job in his mind and tried matching the mess inside to the person it probably belonged to. It wasn't pretty, but he didn't mind. The ones in the shop itself had no chance but Logan quickly found someone in the back.
The owner lay on the floor and his wife cried, not able to do anything. Logan wasn't sure if he was still alive but he wasn't at war again so he would bring both of them outside.
After calming the wife down and giving her the checkered scarf, Logan put the guy on his back and brought both of them outside.
Marcus had not dissapointed him and after putting the man down and assuring he got some help, he walked over to his boyfriend and grabbed his arm.
"You should go back to Dylan now. They can manage here until an ambulance arrives and I'm significantly worried about him... we don't know who else is here to do whatever. I'm going back inside. Anyone you can think of who could be still alive? Else I try checking upstairs."
Logan knew Marcus was aware of every person in the shop and who could have survived and where Logan could find them. But after he told him, he really wanted Marcus to look after Dylan. As far as Logan knew, this could very well be just a distraction. If his father wanted to unleash a monster, getting Dylan was the best start. Logan didn't know hot the fuck he could do something like that from prison, but he had no doubt it was him who was the mastermind behind this. And a simple explosion was too little to kill Marcus, which he probably didn't want.

@Insane Pumpkin

Marcus stared at what's left of the shop. Mentally he reversed the last five minutes and went back inside.
"The two teenagers in the corner are in the yellow zone, the guy with the laptop and the ugly shirt sat right next to the blow, he's over there", he pointed to an arm that was badly burned and without a body.
He mumbled the rest, trying to figure out who could've survived and where they would be.
"She went back to to toilets... there was a kid... no, he came back right then..."
He couldn't concentrate, it was too loud.
"I... I can't..."
He closed his eyes and tried to concentrate.
"Check the bar. There was an employee, he could hide behind the desk and that could've saved his life. If you go upstairs, be careful. I'm no engineer but the structural integrity isn't the best up there. Now go! Burn victims have only an hour if not less until they die of dehydration. Go!"
Marcus went to the car and slid on the backseat. Dylan was scared.
"Hey buddy. Everything's fine. But I need to get back out there."
He got his phone out and called Andrew via facetime.
"Hey Andrew. You know what happened?"
"Yeah, Mike told me. He's on his way to you. FBI probably wants the case but from what you told us..."
"Yeah yeah, I know. Listen: I need to help outside, but I got Dylan with me. Can you keep him company?"
"Sure."
Marcus gave Dylan his phone.
"Hey buddy. Should I try to get one of Stans comics?"
Dylan nodded.
"Okay, give me a minute. I'll be right back."
"Listen Dylan. If you need me, call me on my work phone. The number's in here, okay? I promise, I come back as soon as everything is under controll."
They hugged and Marcus kissed Dylan on the forehead.
"And remember: don't look out of the window."
Dylan nodded again and concentrated on the phone. Marcus slipped out the car again and tried to focus.
"Logan! Come here!"
He went over to his boyfriend.
"Mike's on his way. Apparently some other agencies argue about whose case this is. It is not a terrorist attack. I don't know what it is, but not this. Hey..."
He went around Logan and sighed.
"Sit down. Over there."
Marcus pointed to the green zone and sat Logan down.
"The adrenalin doesn't let you feel this."
He ripped the leg of Logans pants apart. He had a bad cut on his leg. Not lethal, but painful. If one could feel pain.

Logan listened to Marcus and tried connecting what he said with what he remembered himself, only he didn't really pay attention. He noticed Marcus struggle and put his hands on his shoulders. "Calm down..." The bar was his next stop as it seemed, so he nodded at Marcus. "I'll be fine. See ya." Logan smiled at him one last time, then ran over to the building again. He had given the scarf to that woman, so he put his Shirt over his mouth instead while he walked inside again.
He checked behind the bar, where he found a body. He tried waking the guy, all the glass behind the counter scattered here and some of it was stuck in the guys skin, probably not deep. But he seemed to have hit his head and the smoke inside got more and more. Good that he fell to the floor.
After trying to wake him up with no success, Logan put the employees arm around his shoulder and started carrying him outside. He was rather big, he looked like he worked at an ice cream shop, because he really liked ice cream. Logan had talked to him every now and then, but he couldn't remember his name. He was a nice guy and this was unfair.
After carrying him outside and leaving him in the yellow zone, Marcus came over to him again, calling his name. "What is it?", Logan asked as he was just about to go inside again. His face darkened a little when Marcus explained.
"I think I know exactly what that is...", he grumbled, watching Marcus walk around him. "What...?" He couldn't finish his question and sat down as Marcus wanted him to, watching him destroy his favorite pants. "Hey... I liked those...", he complained looking at his leg. There was a cut, but he didn't mind much, there where more pressing concerns right now. He also ignored the little scratching in his throat for now.
"Whatever. This is nothing. There are people up there, very likely. The Fire Department isn't here yet, so I'm going.", he stated and stood up again. If he was right about this, it was there fault this had happened. It seemed like he was right about something being off and if they had investigated further, maybe they would have found those 'puppets' Marcus father liked to create. And he had had wounds much worse, this wasn't even worth thinking about, if people where about to die behind him.

"No. You don't. Look at me."
Marcus wasn't an expert on fires or injuries but he knew one thing: smoke and your lungs don't cooperate very well. And he knew the signs of too much smoke inhalation.
"You stay here."
He ordered some water and pushed the bottle into Logans hands.
"Drink. It'll help."
He turned around and looked at the building. Considerin the time of day and who lived up there...
"Ther were only the two cats up there. The owners are over there", he pointed at a woman leaning over a man in the red zone, "and their kids are not home until later. So sit down and let me handle this chaos until Mike's here."
Now, about six minutes after the initial explosion, everything was somewhat in order. The victims were categorized, the bystanders busy and help on the way. Marcus gave basic orders if someone didn't know what to do and that was it.
After a total of seventeen minutes, the first fire trucks and EMTs areived. Marcus instructed them. Shortly thereafter, Police and FBI came up to hin and he explained, that he worked for the government and that they should wait for his boss. Mike took twenty four Minutes to get to them but as soon as he arrived, Marcus was out. He grabbed Logan and got back to the car, where he sank down onto the back seat. He thanked Andrew for the help and then hugged Dylan like never before. He was tired, his head was about to explode and everything was just a complete mess. But Dylan was save and Logan was more or less okay.
"Can we go home now?", Dylan asked.
"Not quite. Logan has to go to a hospital because he inhaled some smoke. But after that, we go home."

Logan rolled his eyes but waited and after getting a full bottle of water he drank all in one go. Afterwards he more or less got stuck here and fire department and ambulance took a lot of time until they finally arrived.
Marcus grabbed Logan and they went back to the car. Logan sat in the front and turned to Marcus and Dylan. The boy was scared and he wanted to get home already.
"I'm fine. I can go alone and you two get back home.", he replied. He wouldn't die and he also wasn't scared being alone at a hospital so there was no problem. Also Dylan had seen enough hospitals in the past month.
"I'll join you in a few hours then, alright? You take a shower, watch a movie and rest."

Marcus' teeth grinded. He wasn'ta fan of this. But it was the right decision for Dylan.
"Fine. But if I don't see stitches on that leg, I'll lock the shed with your bike in it. I know you like to skip doctor appointments."
He fastened Dylans seatbelt without letting go of him.
"You wanna stay home a few days?", he asked him, stroking his back softly, "you don't have to go to school, if you don't want to."
Dylan nodded and clung to his dad the whole way.

At home, they both took a shower and in their most comfortable clothes they build a pillow ford in the living room and watched some cartoons while eating candy. They didn't talk much. His headache was so enormous he barely noticed. Funny enough, his overacting senses were almost muted. For him it was like seeing the world through bubblewrap. This, he thought, is how everyone else sees the world. Muted.
Marcus thought about what had happened. This wasn't a normal bombing. Not by terrorists, not by an unsatisfied customer or whatever. This was pure destructive behavior. The one kind of behavior, the Shepherd Organisation was expert in hunting down. But this was loud and public. At the same time, it wasn't the first job of whoever did this. So why did he never hear of a similar event? Something was wrong about all of this, but Marcus couldn't find what it was.
Dylan slept on his lap, the movie was long over, but Marcus wasn't here. He was in his head. Thinking. Working against his slowed brain. He always wanted to know how it feels. But right now it was just annoying. He didn't want it. It slowed him down, slowed everything down. It was scary. Being normal was scary.

Logan handed Marcus the keys and simply took a cab to the nearest hospital. He wondered when he got that cut.
At the hospital he filled out some form, he got fixed up quickly and was given some oxygen for now, then had to wait a significant amount of time until he finally got the see a doctor. He needed 6 stitches and asked himself why Marcus was so overprotective. This was nothing and he could have done it at home himself. He also got some antibiotika.
He had lots of time to think. Maybe he shouldn't jump to conclusions, maybe this wasn't about Marcus family. Nevertheless, it was a possibility and Logan wanted to fly over to Frank Ackermann, punch him in the face and then ask if this was his doing and what else he had schemed.

Logan came home after a few hours and found the pillow fort. He slowly looked inside smiling and his anger disappeared for now. He had to look after Dylan and Marcus now. "Hey..." Dylan was sleeping and Marcus didn't look to good. "How about you bring Dylan in our room today. I'll join you after I took a shower." He needed to get the smell of smoke off of him. "Or do you want to talk? Or some alone time?", he asked. "Whatever you want."

His movements were mechanical. He heard Logan, but he didn't really register what he was saying.
He slowly climbed out of the fort and brought Dylan upstairs. The boy was sleeping like a rock. Marcus looked at him. The kid was just sleeping... but it loiked differently through this cottonball vision he had right now. It was so weird and somewhat unsettling. Dylan didn't even really look like like Dylan.
Marcys was standing at the end of the bed, just staring at his sleeping son. The chaos of the day was just toonmuch for his brain to handle. He simply stopped functioning the way he normally did and now he was wondering about how everything worked. There was a disconnect somewhere but he couldn't find it. He didn't even notice that it was there.

Marcus looked upset somehow, but he managed to get Dylan out of the fort and went upstairs with him. Logan hurried in the bathroom to clean himself up. He needed to get the smell out of his hair and the smut off of his skin. He did it as fast as he could, after he got outside again, he looked for Marcus in their bedroom. He stopped for a moment, looking at his frozen boyfriend, Logan didn't know what was wrong. Should he leave him? Lay down with him? Talk with him? Maybe he should call Andrew or Marcus psychiatrist to ask for their opinion, but Marcus probably didn't want that. He made a few steps over to him and put his hands on Marcus shoulders. "Come with me...", he whispered and pulled him slowly outside. He left the door open, should Dylan wake up and he also let the lights on, so he could find them if he needed to. Logan pulled Marcus away from the door a little, so they could talk quietly, without waking the boy.
"Calm down...", he murmured and pulled Marcus close, hugging him tightly. "Tell me what you need right now..."

He felt the warmth of Logans body and remembered that this was his safe space. Slowly, he put his arms around his boyfriend and allowed himself to relax a little.
"I don't know. I just... my head hurts..."
He burried his face against Logans chest and closed his eyes.
"Everything looks strange. Sounds strange. All my hyperactive senses... they stopped working. I..."
His grip got tighter as panic rushed over him. He didn't work. What if it would stay like that? What if he wasn't able to function right ever again? He felt trapped in his slow mind, his normal mind. He felt like he was back in a dark cell with no escape and that people would die just because of him.

Logan started stroking Marcus back to calm him down while he still held him tight. "Calm down... you probably just need some sleep. Maybe it's good for you... you can sleep to wrap your head around this and tomorrow, we think about what this was and what to do. And you'll be yourself again." That probably wasn't the best to say right now, but Logan wasn't good at this, he wished he knew Marcus more and knew how to make him feel better.
"We don't have to figure this out right now, just cuddle your son a little, let him feel you are there and try to sleep. How does that sound?"

"But I am not myself! I'm not. I'm..."
Logan was right with one thing: he needed to rest. But he wasn't himself. Not since his father.
"I need to sleep...", he mumbled, broke away from Logan and shuffled back into the bedroom.
He laied down and watched Dylans breathing. It was hypnotic. But not somnolent. He wasn't tired. Just... broken. As soon as Logan was with him, he reached out for his hand and just held it. He just needed to... he didn't know what he needed. Somehow he managed to fall asleep...

He stared at the little line where the trap door of the attic and the ceiling didn't quite add up. It was dark in the room underneath. It was dark up here. He was scared.
The screams ended a couple of minutes ago. He was pretty sure that his parents were dead. But he didn't alow himself to cry. They would find him, if he did. They would hurt him, too. They would kill him.
He sat underneath the little window in the wall. The moonlight didn't do much.
Suddenly, he heard the door open, followed by footsteps. He put his hand over his mouth.
The steps came closer and closer. He squeezed his eyes shut.
The trap door opened and so did his eyes. There was a boy staring at him. A familiar face...

Marcus woke up in the middle of the night. He was shaking and sweating.
Carefully, he slipped out of the bed and wandered through the house. He didn't put on the lights. He wanted the darkness. He went down into the living room and demolished the pillow fortress, before sitting down on the couch. He just stared into the darkness around him.

"Marcus...I..." Logan didn't know what to do or what to say. This wasn't just about that explosion, this was something else, but there was no point in forcing Marcus to talk. Logan breathed for a moment, then he followed Marcus and lay down with him. Dylan was laying in the middle and Marcus grabbed Logans hand, crossing their arms over the boy. Logan was glad he was sleeping. And he felt saver himself, having Dylan between them, protecting him. He was scared loosing him... he was also scared loosing Marcus. This was exactly that kind of situation Logan had anticipated. Not that he knew exactly what would happen, but he knew something was off and something would destroy the short time of peace they had. He stayed awake a little while, before he too fell asleep.

He woke up later that night, still hugging Dylan, but Marcus was gone. He often wandered around at night and Logan was always worried, but this time it was different. The worries sat deeper. Logan slowly stood up too and made sure Dylan was still sleeping. He looked at him for a second, then he went downstairs to search for Marcus. It was completely dark, but Logan didn't turn on the lights, he found his way into the living room. He found Marcus sitting on the couch, doing nothing.
"Marcus...", he whispered, slowly coming closer. He didn't know if Marcus wanted him sitting next to him, but he did it anyway. "I think you should tell me what exactly happened... I didn't ask because I thought you would tell me, if you needed to. But... I think you need to now..."

"Tell you about what?", Marcus asked.
The darkness around them scared him. But at the same time, he felt safe here. Noone could see him. Noone could hurt him. He was save as long as the lights were out.
"You wanna know what my dad did to me, don't you?"
He leaned his head on Logans shoulder, still staring into the black nothingness.
"He locked me up in a small, dark cell. I couldn't see anything. He talked to me. There was nothing, just his voice. Sometimes not even that. It was pieceful. No sounds but my own heartbeat. Nothing to see but endless black. Nothing to analyze but his words.
When he opened the door, I didn't want to get out. Partially because I didn't want to play his games. But a part of me didn't want to leave the peace of the box.
The first time, he forced me to kill, was hard. But he hugged me afterwards. And let me back into the box. It was my box. My safespace. The second time, I killed to end the screams, not the pain. It was so loud... the third time, I killed because it was the fastest way back. I just wanted to stay in there. Everytime he hugged me and said, it was okay. That I didn't do anything wrong. That he forced me to. He said, I did good. And that's what I felt, when he touched me. I felt good. And he knew how to make me feel save."
He didn't cry. He didn't feel anything about telling that story. He just felt save in the darkness of their living room.

Logan grabbed Marcus hand and listened. His chest started to hurt, he hated it, he hated Marcus father. Not really for what he made Marcus do, more about how he made him feel about it. Marcus always knew he was different and he always was scared of something in his genes. And now, this feeling got even stronger and Logan didn't know what to do about it. He couldn't imagine how Marcus felt, he'd never understand him. So what could he possibly say without sounding like a hypocrite?
"I can't possibly understand what you are feeling right now. And I think coming up with logic explanations won't help either. I... listen.. I just can try telling you how I feel about a related topic..." He sighed, maybe Marcus didn't ant to hear anything... "Please stop me if it doesn't help. You are scared of feeling nothing about killing, right? Well... I was at war and I killed and I didn't care. I don't care now either. And I don't even feel bad about not feeling bad about it. I did it because it was my job, I quit because it was useless, not because I couldn't bare it. Sometimes we just have to kill, every person could come in a situation like that. And we don't necessarily have to feel bad about it." Logan stopped. "I'm sorry, it's the most related topic I can come up with and I know it's different. I just want you to know... no I don't know what I'm trying to tell you. Just... please... don't let him win. He was trying to get in your head and if you let him, he's won. So don't." Logan sighed again, grabbing Marcus hand as if he'd loose him otherwise. "I can't believe I'm saying this... but maybe you should talk to your brother...He is more suited for helping you with your feelings and your thoughts I think. Maybe you can sort things out with his help."

"It's not the killing, Logan. It's not how I feel about it. I killed before. I don't reget it. I regret killing those three people. Because they were innocent. I know they were and I know I feel bad about what I did to them. But at the same time I can't forget how annoying those screams were. And how annoying it was to kill this woman. They were an obstacle I had to overcome to feel better. And the only way to do that, was by killing them. So I did it. I killed because I was selfish and because they were in my way. That's wrong. It should feel wrong. But it didn't. All I wanted, was to go back in the box. And right now... I wanna go back. I... I wanna be save. At a quiet place. No noise, no nothing. Just... peace."

"I...", Logan started shaking his head and slowly letting go of Marcus hand. "You know why Mike won't let me work again?", he then asked and stared into the darkness too, as if there was something Marcus could see and he didn't.
"When Francis and I searched for you, there was a woman. She probably was there to stop us. I don't know, but she had a weapon I think. We hid and Francis caught her. He asked me what to do with here and I told him he should kill her quick. And if he couldn't do it 'quick', I'd do it. I didn't think she was beyond saving and she probably wasn't dangerous, but she stood in between you and me. She was an obstacle too and I don't regret my decision and my decision will always be the same." He paused. "Being selfish is perfectly fine with me, as long as you and Dylan are save. That's everything that matters. I don't care about the world and everything in it, I care about my family. And you did what was necessary to survive. To keep yourself sane." This wasn't really helping, but he had nothing else he could say. "Listen... if you want some alone time, some piece and quiet, just tell me. This time I'll take care of Dylan for real. I promise. I'm sorry for forcing you to attend this BBQ and I'm sorry for making you go to Dylans school and meet people. You don't have to do these things. Please just tell me, how I can help you..."

"But that's the point, Logan. I don't know, what I need. I knew how to handle my unfiltering, all remembering brain. But now I don't. Since I came back, I felt normal without bing normal. The explosion yesterday and all the chaos that followed... something changed. My brain got fried or something. The pain went away and so did the noise. I became normal, but it didn't feel like it. And now, right now... it's so incredibly loud. For you it's just a quiet humming you don't even notice. For me it's the crickets outside, the loose screw of the AC, the raccoon two houses down the street, the flickering light on the other side... I can hear it. But even worse, I know that I hear it. Your brain dumps it as irrelevant. Mine doesn't. All these details. All this input. That's why I wanted this box. Because there were not details. No input."
He sighed and leaned his head back.
"I don't work the way I did. The way I should", he mumbled, "I'm just so tired of what I am..."

Logan just didn't know what to say or do. He wanted to help Marcus, but he couldn't even understand the problem. He felt useless... he was useless. maybe he really could call someone, but who? He didn't even know if this was something that went away again, maybe Marcus just panicked. Or it was something else, something that would stay. If it would stay, Logan really couldn't do anything. But for now, he just followed his gut feeling and with one fluent movement he sat on Marcus lap. He put his hands on Marcus head and pressed his forehead against his - Logans.
"Don't be... and now concentrate on me. Just on me. You don't need a stupid box to have piece, just focus. Find my voice and my touch in all that chaos. Trust yourself..."