[2er RPG] The Shepherd [ENG]

"Nah, I'm good. Go get our boy."
Marcus got up to, just two seconds before his watch started beeping. It was time for the meds. His favorite time. He had to take antibiotics, painkillers and a bloodthinner so the sutures wouldn't rip because of the pressure. Horray.

In his spare time, Marcus organized the office completely new. And - cause he ran out of stuff to do - the tools Logan used for his bike. And he cleared out some of Logans boxes so the house felt more and more like theirs. He liked it. It had more personality than before when there were just Marcus' DVDs and movie props.

Before Logan and Dylan came back, Marcus sat in the bathroom. He needed to change the dressing on his neck. The cut looked good. The soctors cleared out the messy lines and connected both ends nice and clean. It always looked brutal with the stitches in, but in a week, when they were gone, it would look better. And then it would heal over and become another bad memory.
At this point, it was an automated process. Old dressing down, cleaning the cut, putting new stuff on it, new dressing, done. The burn marks lioked good as well. Marcus wasn't new to the whole take care of you bubus thing.

"Please try to drink up...", Logan smiled before he pressed a kiss on Marcus cheek and left. He drove to the office and passed the note to Stan.
"What`s that?"
"Dunno. Just get me everything, yeah?"
"Sure."
"Logan!" Logan ducked a little when he heard the voice of his boss who wanted him in his office now.
"I think someone has trouble~", Stan almost sang while Logan left the room.
"Haha..."
When he closed the door behind him Mike looked really furious and threw the report on the table between them.
"What's that bullshit?"
"It's what happened?", Logan asked and looked on the report he wrote a few days ago.
"Francis Ackerman escaped the hospital without us noticing.", he cited what Logan wrote.
"Yes?"
"Bullshit Logan."
"Okay, so you like me to write down that I had enough of this whole bullshit and let him go, because honestly I cared more about my boyfriend than his brother?"
"What's wrong with you? He is a threat to Marcus and Dylan too."
"He's not."
"He is a threat to many people."
Okay that he was right of and Logan had no argument.
"Wow. Speechless Logan, that's rare."
"Well, what's done is done."
"But that's not everything, what about that woman?"

Logan discussed the matter over an hour, before he just left, got the information from Stan and drove off. He had to pick up Dylan and had no time to discuss this. Half an hour later he got back home and Dylan ran inside to greet his Dad. Logan carried the shopping bags inside and instinctively knew Marcus had carried stuff around, which he shouldn't. And if he had noticed it, Dylan did too probably. Marcus was in trouble.

Marcus came down the staris right when hos boys came back home. Dylan hugged him around the waist.
"Hey buddy. How's school today?"
And Dylan started talking, as always. Marcus did see the look Logan gave him.
"I just lifted your tools, okay? Piece by piece. As I did with the rest of your stuff. By the way, you need to bring some boxes in, so I can do more of that. I'm bored."
Dylan was confused.
"You lifted boxes?", the boy asked.
"No. I ran out in the garden and back in here and back out. And that's not a joke, that's his job."
"You should really get the boxes in, LoLo. Dad shouldn't do so much walking."
Marcus smiled a winning smile while Dylan brought his stuff upstairs.

"I asked you if you needed anything from me.", Logan reminded Marcus while he put everything in the fridge. "And is running around a good idea? Can't you do something while sitting?"
When Dylan called him LoLo he looked at him confused. "Did Leila tell you that name?", he asked him an Dylan nodded. "Well... I think I have to call her soon..."
"Is she in trouble?"
"Big time.", Logan smiled and when everything was put away he started bringing the boxes in like he was told. "By the way. You want another soup today? I bought all kind of ingredients, you can choose what you like.", he asked Marcus. He probably wanted something real to eat and Logan had given him something, but Dylan won't. He noticed his father couldn't even drink properly, no hard thingies in his throat, he said. Logan knew who the boss was in this house.

Marcus sighed heavily.
"Soup soup soup! I can't hear, smell or eat any more liquid food", he complained, "So no. For once I won't obey my seven year old sons medical advise. I wanna eat. I don't care."
He sat in front of one of the boxes and opened it. Sorting and organizing things was his new obsession, cause it kept his mind and hands busy. And thanks to Logan, he had a lot to do.
When Dylan came back down, he sat next to him and checked the box out. It took him less than a minute to discover an old photoalbum of Logan and he started to flip through.
"You looked funny as a kid", he said to Logan.
Marcus glanced over and chuckled.
"Yup. The long hair really suita you", he joked.

Logan looked at Marcus and he had the urge to apologize. "I'll make pasta then...", he nodded. Even if Marcus didn't chew it much it should be okay and taking care of himself was never a trait he possessed. Logan got a big pot out and prepared for a sauce which was not too spicy for Marcus. When Dylan said something to him he looked up and only now noticed what they were looking at.
"Ah well... I never let my mother cut my hair. I was too cool for that.", he smiled and cut some tomatoes meanwhile. He actually constantly were in some kind of rebel phase as a child and he always had bruises somewhere. His mother complained every time that she haven't got one photo of him without a plaster or blue marks somewhere. Especially before school photo sessions he had the habit to get his face messed up. Accidentally of course. But it was never all too bad, he had no scars like Marcus. Only some little ones on his knees and hands which faded almost completely over the years. When he thought about what happened, he somehow had to think of his childhood, when he was protecting his siblings, especially his sister and always got into fights. He also felt angry and tense, not like with Marcus, it was never a live or death situation, but still.
And he never was good with controlling his anger, which was why he had a criminal record and that was part of the reason why he ended up with the Shephard organisation... and his new family.

"I cut my hair by myself. It's surprisingly similar to shaving a sheep."
"You shaved sheeps?"
"Yup. My aunt lived on a farm surrounded by other farms. She just had the land but the people living around had actual farms. I worked there in my free time. And when I screwed up, but we're not talking about that. I know how to milk cows, I can ride a horse and I can shave sheeps."
"Awesome!"
Dylan continued flipping through the album while Marcus continued sorting everything by room he wanted to put the things in. He had a system. As usual.

Dinner was surprisingly peaceful even though Dylan glared at him the whole time. After that, Dylan decided to play in his room. Marcus let him. After all, the boy was a sentient being, not a dog. And he, Marcus, had no energy to do whatever. He focused solely on organizing the house. It was almost as obsessive as him looking for clyes to a killer.

Logan again and again had to chuckle about his boyfriends farmlife. It simply wasn't fitting and not something someone would expect from Marcus. When he got everything figured out, whatever he was going through right now and with his father in jail, maybe they could go on a vacation together as a family. Maybe a farm...
Also they should probably take more photos in the future, to have something to remember, just like the albums Dylan was looking at just now. Although Logan might be the only one needing them to remember... Maybe photography was something for Marcus? Maybe they should get an actual camera instead of just using their phones.
Logan answered some questions to the photos while he was cooking.

When Dylan left after dinner, Logan slipped the drive he got from Stan out of his pocket, giving it to Marcus. "I didn't wanna talk about it while Dylan was here. This is everything Stan got in one hour. I haven't looked at it.", he explained and then startet cleaning up the table and washing the dishes. He could see Marcus had something particular to think about, or rather not think about right now. He noticed his obsessive behavior he used to keep his mind from thinking too much. It wasn't hard to guess what this was about, but Logan didn't even know what happened down there. And Marcus didn't know what exactly Logan was doing. He had no problem talking about it, neither did he have a problem not talking about it. So he just was here if Marcus needed anything, getting angry looks when he took everything out of his hand if it looked too heavy.

Apparently three photoalbums were too heavy. Logan basically took.everything out of Marcus' hands. It was so annoying that Marcus decided to quit what he was doing and sat down on the couch.
"You want me to talk about it. And don't deny it, your passive aggressive about it. "
He sighed and spinned the USB-drive between his middlefinger and thumb. Then he got back up and signed Logan to follow him upstairs in the office, where he plugged the drive in. Stan was a genius. In just one hour, he managed to get the complete background on the three names Marcus gave him.
Marcus leaned back as he saw the three pictures. Those were the people he killed.
"My father kidnapped these three people. He tortured them in front of me. And he gave me a gun. One bullet. 'You can end their suffering', he said."
Marcus reminded himself to breathe and to keep calm. In his head he saw their faces filled with pain and tears. The looks on their faces. Horror, pain, resignation. Pleading.
"I killed them", he said.

"I'm not... you don't have to talk about it if you don't want to. We built our relationship without being passive aggressive about anything, I've always waited for you to tell me, without me needing to ask about it. Be it passive or active.", Logan said shaking his head, but followed Marcus upstairs. There he leaned forward and looked at the photos of this three people. They looked pretty average and apparently also had an average life which was taken from them so suddenly. But Logan felt different about this than Marcus, at least he thought so. He imagined himself in a situation like this. Seeing people suffer over nothing and being able to end their pain. A thought crossed his mind, animals which get killed out of mercy, he shook his head as this was something completely different. It were exactly these pattern of thinking which got Mike so mad at him and Marcus probably would be too.
"You killed them out of mercy. I have killed for less.", he stated his opinion and stood straight up again. "And if you hadn't they would have died anyway or worse. Your father would have either killed them or made them into some of his experiments, neither of which is better than being dead." He looked at Marcus and didn't know if he wanted to hear this.
"But that's just my opinion. Take as much time as you need to work through this. I'm hear for you if you need anything, you know that."

"You don't understand. He gave me a gun with one bullet. I had to aim. He was in the room, less than five feet away. I could've killed him. But I didn't. I killed them instead. Innocent people. And I didn't kill them out of mercy, to be perfectly honest. Killing is easy for me. It always was. If I hesitate, it's because I make myself thibk about everything. I literally make a pros and cons list in my head before I take a shot. If I didn't, I would just be... a monster."
Maybe Francis was born with a soul and their father took it from him. He looked like their mother. And maybe he, Marcus was born without a soul and his mom and aunt just made up for it by nurturing him the right way. After all, he was the mirror image of Frank Ackerman. He always knew that something about him was wrong. But his father did a great job at making him realize what it really was. Now Marcus was scared. Scared of himself and what he was able to do. It was scary.
"I killed him without even thinking about it. I didn't even look at him. I just took the gun", Marcus said, gesturing to one of the pictures, "I'm not a soldier, Logan. I was a boring ass cop before Mike happened. Not even a Detective. I was in uniform talking with old people whose dog ran away. I was never trained to kill people."

"After all, he is still your father. You shouldn't stress yourself, because you can't kill someone belonging to you, who is your family, even though he doesn't act like it. I could never kill my parents, siblings or you and Dylan, even if the world would be destroyed if I don't. I probably couldn't even do it if it meant one or everyone, although the decision should logically be clear. And I know family is important to you too, your brother is just as important to you as Dylan is, although or because he is who he is. And you shouldn't be punished for not killing someone of your own family.", Logan replied calmly. "And your father didn't just sit you in the room as soon as you woke up, right? He is somehow a genius and he had manipulated you in a way. He was sure you won't shoot him, because he controlled your thoughts. You are not responsible for this, he is. He made you do it. And don't tell me he didn't. I know he was standing there, probably unarmed, but still, he made you do it, because it was part of some twisted plan of his. You don't hold your brother accountable for everything he does either, do you?"
Logan stopped and sighed for a moment. "Not thinking about it, not looking at this man was probably just a way for you to handle it. If you had thought about it there, what do you think had happened? Besides him being tortured while you where thinking? And it's not like this was normal life. This was war in a way and you also don't punish every soldier who didn't think before he shot to survive. The important difference between you, your father, and Francis is that you obviously care. You care about the people you had to kill, about their families, who they were. They don't care, they kill out of pleasure or curiosity, you did it out of necessity and you feel bad about it. Which means you can't be a bad person. You are a way better person then they are, or I am." He swallowed a joke which crossed his mind, this was not the right time and just had made his arguments weaker. Before Marcus could answer he said one last thing. "And I mean that. I don't say this because I want you to feel better, this is my opinion and if you had been an asshole or a monster, I would have said so. I don't say this out of pity."

Marcus sighed. Logically he knew that Logan was right. It was his father manipulating him. Giving him what he craved when he did something 'right', punish him for doing something 'wrong', that was the easiest and most effective way to reprogram the human mind. But it also made Marcus aware of things already there. He always knew they were there but now he could pin point them. He now knew what they were. And that made him question a lot about himself.
"You're right", he said nonetheless, "I'm not like my father or my brother..."
With another sigh he closed the laptop and got up again. He would do this tomorrow or whenever. He just didn't want Dylan to be around. After all, he was the superhero dad. Showing signs of weakness could do horrible things to the boys mental health. Up until now they were just lucky that Dylan wasn't harmed that badly and that he worked through all this crap like a pro.
"I really need something to do", Marcus said.
With everything going on lately, Mike would never let him back inside the office. Technically he was still on time out when the thing with Ackerman started. Now he gut hurt and mentally tortured. Mike would force him to stay away for months. 'You need to work through this, Marcus. Give yourself some time to heal', he would say, not realizing that working was the best therapy for him.

Although Marcus admitted that Logan was right, Logan knew he didn't mean it, but he said nothing. He didn't want to fight over this, especially not when Dylan was here.
"What about reading something? Taking your mind elsewhere, instead of running around and carrying things you shouldn't carry. And I'm home tomorrow too anyways, still not allowed back in the office. We could do something together, something fun, while Dylan is at school. And he has training tomorrow afternoon, we could come watching, I'm sure he'd like that." Although they had the most fun when training together and that wasn't allowed. Logan tried to think of something else. "What about cooking together? Not like pasta everyday, because that's the only thing I can make and no pancakes because... that's the only thing you can make. How about looking up a recipe and cook something fancy? Our hands will have something to do, our minds too and we spend time together. What do you think?" Logan got a little excited about it and smiled broadly.

"Reading? Really? Have you ever seen me holding a book for linger than it takes me to flip through the pages?"
Marcus tipped against his temple.
"A photographic memory kinda ruins something like reading for you. It's just too easy, you know?"
It wasn't like he knew everything he copied into his brain. He still had to read it. But he didn't need the book for it. That was the thing with his memory and sensory overload: he just stored everything. The part of analyzing had to happen manually. That's the exhausting part. It was as if Marcus had to check every surveillance camera in London just to find the one frame with the face of the killer. That's why he looked at evidence for hours upon hours. They were like mental crutches he used to find his way through his own mind.
"But that sounds like a good plan. Doing something fun together. And I can get my revenge on Dylan. He has to taste everything we produce. That's for not letting me eat anything besides soup for a week."
Marcus smiled. And it was a sincere one. It was as if he was craving a good time with Logan. He needed to.make a bunch of good memories to push the bad ones out of the way. He wasn't able to forget. But he was able to ahift his focus if he had the material for it. That's what his obsessive behavior was about: shifting focuses.
"What would you like to try? I mean, there are literally more recipes on the internet than I'm able to memorize."

"Huh.. well sorry. Maybe you should try an audiobook? You can't fast forward something like that?", Logan smiled. "Okay technically you can, but you'll miss everything."
He thought about what they could cook. "I dunno... I'm not very picky... something Dylan won't kill me for, because it's too hard to swallow would be nice.", he replied after some thinking. "And I don't even know half of the dishes you probably know." He also stuck to the same meals every time they where out eating somewhere. Not that he wouldn't try new things, he just knew what he liked. "Maybe we should just google some recipes and choose what looks good? Maybe fish would be good for you. And there are thousands of ways to make one, right? We could go shopping together too if you like, unless there is too much going on. I can go alone."

"Why would fish be good for me?", Marcus asked, "but sure. If you want fish, why not?"
He grabbed Logans hand and went back downstairs with him. There was still some conteolled chaos in the living room, where Marcus and Dylan had gone through one of the boxes. Marcus wanted to clean this up before soing anything else.
"Where do you want all those albums to go. I mean, they're not only yours but they are of emotional value, too. I wouldn't want to put it far away."
He gave them to Logan and cleaned up the rest. And he behaved: as the box was full, he didn't even try to push it around.

"Because it's soft and you don't have to chew it much.", Logan replied smiling and followed Marcus downstairs. Marcus seemed a little bit happier and Logan was glad and therefore more happy too. Downstairs Marcus gave Logan the albums and he looked at them. "You always clean up stuff and then giving me something to do too...", he complained a little, not knowing where he wanted them. "I was okay with them being in just a box... left me with less questions to answer." They had like a lot of space and half of it was empty, so actually it was a good idea to move some of the things inside the hose. Logan decided for a cupboard higher up, they probably didn't need them that often. He got up without needing a chair, although he had to stretch a little.
After he was finished, he turned around and watched Marcus for a while. "Hey...", he started smiling. He looked at his hands and when he got up to put something away at his back and honestly a little further down. "You wanna go to bed earlier today? Maybe you're up to some cuddling and..." Marcus slept well these days, because of the meds and he couldn't stand lying around in bed, waiting to sleep, so they stayed up late most of the time and got straight to sleep. Logan got some cuddling time, but not much and when he noticed Marcus was asleep, he mostly got away a little, because he didn't want to hurt his neck accidentally while sleeping. But he realized this may not be the right time for something like that, so he decided to laugh it off. "Ah never mind, how much more boxes have we got?"

"No!"
Marcus pulled Logan in and wrapped his arms around his hips.
"You're not gonna offer me you-know-what and then shrug it off like a joke. No no no no. You better be in that bed when I leave Dylans Room tonight."
He knew that he wasn't allowed to do things that elevated his blood pressure. But he wouldn't let Logan get away with this.
"And now go and get those empty boxes out to the shed. You can get one or two new ones if you like but today I'm through with housekeeping or however you wanna call it."
He kissed Logan on the cheek - on purpose - and went upstairs to go get Dylan for training amd ask him what he thought about fish for dinner.
"You wanna learn how to cook?", the boy asked on the way down.
He refused to give his dad his sportsbag, which was about as big as Dylan himself. At least Marcus was allowed to carry the Crosse so he wouldn't impale himself by accident.
"Yeah, why not. We're both bored and you gotta eat something besides pancakes and pasta."
"Do I?"
"Yes! It's not healthy to eath just the same three things all the time."
"Okay. But I like Pancakes and Pasta."
"I know. There is going to be plenty of pancakea and pasta in your future. But also something like fish."
He opened the door for Dylan and let him.put the bag in the big ass trunk of the car. He could barely reach it. Like this.
"By the way", Marcus said as he closed the thing again, "you're cool with Logan and me watching today?"
Dylan nodded.
"But it's boring. Coach Perkins is sick so we don't get to really do anything with his assistant."

Logan and Marcus were two out of a total of seven parents watching. There were to other pairs and a single father. Of course Marcus kept tabs on that guy to really be sure that he was actyally a dad.
The kids on the field were... okay. There were one or two rocking everything - and of course Dylan - and then there was the rest. One of them couldn't aim even if his life dependet on it. At one point, the ball flew over the fence and threatened a second pair of parents noses. Marcus and Logan sat more or less right next to them and out of a reflex, Marcus tried to catch the ball. Successfully!
"Oh my! Are you okay?", screamed out the woman.
"Yeah, I'm good. It wasn't that hard", Marcus replied.
"Thank you", her husband said, "that was a pretty impressive move."

Logan smiled happily and did what he was told to do. Afterwards he drove them all to Dylans training, sitting with Marcus and watching. Dylan was the best of the boys, of course... although this was probably just proud because he was kind of Logans son. Marcus watched everything as if his life depended on it, but that was just him being normal. And Logan sat beside him not thinking about the other parents and just thinking how this training could be much more efficient. Not that he considered training kids, he sure wasn't made for this. He could really get into stuff like that and then was a little bossy... On the other hand it was easy to get a yes from him, whatever the question was.
When a ball came flying in their direction Marcus caught it, leaving the parents beside them awing. Logan looked at him, especially his neck. "You really okay?", he asked kinda worried. Dylan was to run over too, but Logan gave him a sign to just go on. Marcus sure didn't want to be parented by his son in the public.
"You are Dylans parents, right? Cops, yes?", they kept the conversation going and Logan nodded. More like secret agents... but that was obviously secret.