bloodbound. (earinor & akira)

It was nice to not feel on edge all the time, it was nice to not be scared of every little sound, or simply closing his eyes. As much as Yujins presence helped most of the time, there were still things Richard was scared of, but with the smoke filling up their little cave he felt better and more calm. Still, the question of who Richard truly was remained. When he thought about it, Yujin never truly met the Richard he used to be before this awful chain of events started to happen to him. When he thought back on himself, on who he had been in his time in Silesse, he couldn't say he recognized himself. He never had behaved like that before. Yujin dug a hole in that shell Richard had built up, because he didn't want to lose anyone anymore, yet he never truly managed to bring the young crownprince of Adrestia back. Maybe there was a glimpse of that person when Richard went back with his father, but even then he was driven by hate and revenge and he killed many, many people of whom he now wasn't even sure they all were involved in what happened to his siblings and himself. Strangely enough, even now that all his strong exterior had vanished, those people didn't haunt him and he asked himself if he was the monster in this story and he was blaming the wrong people. It was him that caused his father to lose himsel, to be back at a dark cellar again. Even now he barely recognized himself. On the one hand he was a shell of a person, constantly scared and close to being done with his life and on the other, all he cared about was his family and himself. He used to come after his father, the king that was, then he changed to someone more akin to Nayantai and his brother and in the end... who was he now?

Did he laugh and smile now? He felt good around Yujin, even without being high, that at least was true and so was the love he felt for the Silessian prince he absolutely didn't deserve. "Around you I did... and you also helped me reconcile with my father..." He had been so angry at him, for no real reason. In truth, he probably was most angry at himself. "Belong to me...? Yujin... my home is lost to me - forever. That is okay. You don't belong to me either, but I am happy if you stay with me.", Richard answered. Without him Richard wasn't sure if he'd be able to continue living. "To answer your question... I don't want to disappoint you, but... blue was my favorite color before I met you too." That was true, probably because his father wore blue often and people used to drape him in the same color, telling him it fit his hair. "I... wish I can go back home at some point... if only for a short visit. I will show you all I can." He didn't want the crown. He didn't want to fight with his brother, or his father. He just wanted to be save somewhere. "No. I like the necklace, although I haven't worn it as such... anyway, I don't feel at home in Adrestia anymore, so I guess I don't need Adrestian customs...", he mumbled honestly. It was true, it was like his homeland had rejected his return and did everything to get him out again. Maybe it wasn't a good idea to visit Adrestia even for a vacation. Once Yujin told him he didn't need to apologize, Richard looked at him with a somewhat pained expression he seemed to always wear. "I... I am still sorry. I should have listened to you. I don't want to go anywhere again... not without you.", Richard answered and suddenly burried his face at Yujins neck. "I know I've said this before, but... Im happy you went out today and had fun with your friends. I want you to have fun and meet other people. I know you'll come back to me, that's all I need..." Richard softly sighed. "I'm sorry... I'm ruining the mood."

"Ah... you're already doing enough and as for my father...", Richard answered averting his gaze and cuddling a bit closer. All the thoughts and fears haunted him even now, they were stronger than the smoke filling up the room and making it smell distinctivly. Shuren would be able to smell it and Richard wasn't sure if he'd approve. Either way, Yujin was the one offering something that Richard would have gladly taken, but... "M-My father... I don't think he... he wants to see me. I... I just hope he'll answer my letter at least.", he mumbled truthfully,. "Maybe I shouldn't have written him a letter in the first place..." He was the reason he ended up in that awful place after all and Richard was also who made him feel even worse, because he couldn't stand to be alone in a room with him. He let himself be manipulated by this monster of a man and even now that he was dead he continued to torture Richard and Nayantai equally. Oh how they both probably wished equally that the former king of Adrestia was still here too. He'd know what to say to them and how to make them feel better. Richard missed his dad - both of them - so very much. "I'm done with fighting... I don't want any crown, or wealth, though I suppose that is a lie. I am glad I am here, behind high walls and with soldiers and your father around, but I really don't want much more..."

Yujin tried to highten Richards mood and he himself seemed happy and calm enough, but something kept Richard from feeling all that. He felt less frightened, but not good enough to just go outside or stop thinking about all that worried him. Whenever there was a thought he could ledge on to, he did and his mind started racing, throwing blame, guilt and fear at him without any mercy. "I... thank you Yujin...2, he simply mumbled, not knowing what else he was supposed to say. "I uh... I think initially I was jelous of your eyes and maybe they even bothered me. My father and my siblings had the same eyecolor you know? But... yes I think I also found comfort in them. It felt like something familiar in this unfamiliar place..." Not that he would have ever admitted that back then. Yet he kind of wished himself back that persona he had crafted. That Richard had been strong and fearless, or at least very good at pretending he was. "Maybe you can show me some places too... when I'm feeling better..." He knew after his birthday, the fireworks would take place and he would have liked to see them, but he wasn't sure if a few more weeks were enough to get him outside. Yujins hand in his hair felt good, yet the feeling on his back was numb and odd, but he rather had Yujin touch him than not. "I held it close... having it... helped.", he then admitted about the necklace. He also made sure nothing would happen to it, although he had it draped to his sheath. "Don't worry about me. I am good as long as I occupy myself and I have plenty to do. Learning Silessian, learning to read Thrian and so on..." It really helped and although he had slept a good amount that afternoon, he was fine on his own. "Mhm... Yujin? Can I ask something weird...?", he suddenly wondered and sat up the tiniest bit. "Can we... uhm... take off our clothes...? Just the top... I... I think I want to... feel your skin..."

Sore topics all around - that was the best way to describe their untimely encounters with situations of days past, but even then, he‘d made the apparent mistake of being someone that, by all means, was struggling to achieve something that truly would let them both be at peace. “There’s no way to be sure, though.”, Yujin chided Richard, and he was right about that. While he didn’t want to side with someone he hardly even knew, he also was sure that Richard wasn’t all to certain about what he was spouting - about the pain he felt, that intermingled with the rest of his thoughts. Was there any reason to blame him, though? No, not in the slightest. “Richard, there’s no way of knowing. Give it a few more weeks, and I’m sure he’ll write you a letter in return - who knows, maybe he just doesn’t want to make the first step?” It was going to be fine, Yujin wanted to believe that. Why not? They were both doing well right now, clinging to one another for support, and averting their dark thoughts elsewhere, once they crept up, all the way into their faces. Without another word, he patted the blonde head softly. “It’s going to be alright. I doubt he despises you.”, he wanted to assure Richard, and yet, failed to convince himself of his unfounded beliefs about a man he hardly remembered. How long until all those thoughts that he previously had evaporated alongside the smoke? Yujin didn’t know, and he didn’t care to find out right now. Another drag of the pipe was all, before he reached his arm out of their safe haven and put it aside on the nightstand. “And I’m glad to have you here with me - where I can give you whatever you might want.”, he giggled.

That he did - here and now, he was a prince, one for eternity, mortal until his passing, which meant that he was able to give Richard whatever the hell he could ask for. Why, though? Yujin believed him to deserve more than the world, more than he could give him right now, but even then … “No need, really. You praise me so much, and all I did was to be there for you.” Nothing but a friendly reminder, yes, but even then it became painfully clear that maybe, just maybe, Richard had needed something like that - someone that was there for him, unapologetically, and glued himself to his side, much like a personal sunshine that not only got rid of his dark thoughts, but also made his life a bit better. Right now, whatever else was it that they’d need? With the blinds closed around them, it felt like they were out there, in the snow, with howling wolves beyond the hills and snowflakes sticking to their tent - but they weren’t, they were surrounded by almost see-through blocks of ice, colored in the same blue as his eyes, or almost at the very least. “Do they still comfort you? My eyes, I mean.”, he mumbled, and as he was at it, he wondered if things would ever go back to the way they were - right now, nothing seemed like it would change back for the better ever again, they’d only mend themselves in Richards own way, but would they return to how they were in the past? Most likely not. “No need to rush.” The world wouldn’t slow down for them, but they had all the time they needed to move forward, which mattered as well. “That’s good to hear … but it’s even better to have you back in one piece … hm, do you want someone to help you with learning?”, he questioned. The lithe body lifted itself off of him and Yujin sat up as well, slightly at that, his smile turning into a chuckle. “Oh?”, a giggle escaped his lips. This was an invitation, nothing more. Slowly but surely, he loosened his clothing and slid out of it, exposing bare skin to cold air - his hair stood on end for a minute, and goosebumps spread across his skin, before it eased out and grew accustomed to the cold he’d never felt like this before. “Want to do it yourself? Or would you like help?”, he asked, sliding one hand between two layers of clothes. Who knew, maybe some touching was allowed?

Yujin didn't know the whole story, not even close to it. So much has happened, none of which was his fathers fault, but it was Richards. He hated the fact that he was the reason all of what had happened in Olette happened. He hated the fact that his father had been in a situation he never wanted to be in again because of him, but what Richard hated the most was, that when he met him again, he had been scared. He'd been so scared and out of it, that he hurt his father even more, even though all that happened was, that he stood there, in his cell and had to watch while his son struggled. All he did was doing what Richard asked him to every single day, even on the last, when he took the hot iron and... Richard pressed his eyes shut. He didn't want to think about it and even all the smoke didn't help to make him forget. "N-No... I know...", Richard mumbled, trying to stay calm. "Before I came here... I asked him if he wanted to join me. He... he didn't want to...", Richard explained his reasoning. He would have wanted him here so much... but he understood why his father didn't want to see him again. At least he wasn't alone. He had Yujin, whos hand he took to hold it for just a moment. Richard nodded, but he didn't dare open his mouth again. He didn't want to sound like he was about to cry.

"All you did...?", he then asked shaking his head. "That is all I need... I... I am glad you... remember me at least a little bit and I am glad you still like me, even though I was an idiot..." He should have never left. At the end, just before he left, at the latest after he brought that bear home, he knew that he had feelings for Yujin. His heart told him to stay, to be with him, to fight his stupid dad with his stupid rules and to admit to him what he truly felt. The week he spent at his side, while he was hurt, the fireworks, when they exchanged their presents, it had been one of the best times in Richards life. He was stupid to throw it away and he regretted it, but back then his heart also wanted something else. He was hurt from losing his siblings to... it hadn't actually been like that. Richard bit his lip, then suddenly looked up when he heard Yujins voice again. He looked into his eyes, those blue, beautiful eyes. "Y-Yeah...", he answered him, yet his gaze shied away again. "Mhm I... I need some more time...", he agreed with Yujin. No rush... how long would Yujin actually wait? Richard didn't know, but he knew it would take some more time. He looked up again. "You asked that before...", he reminded Yujin. "I answered yes... but I also want you to spend time without me every once in a while." But that didn't matter right now as he sat up a bit to look at Yujin who didn't give Richards request a second thought and instead started to get out of his sleeves. Richards eyes fell onto the big scar. "I orgot about that...", he admitted and wondered how that was even possible. It seemed he had built a perfect image of Yujin in his head, but... it actually didn't bother him at all. Now it was Richards turn though and he felt like he should have thought about this proposal, before he opened his mouth. "I... can... can you close your eyes?", he asked the prince. Richard knew how his body had changed. Not only the scars all around it, but also the fact that he lost a lot of weight. He moved Yujins hand away from himself. "I'm sorry..."

He'd take all of this with ease - to Yujin, interacting with Richard wasn't hard, no, it often enough seemed like a breeze, one he'd longed for, that swept him off of his feet and awoke him from a deep slumber; an unforseen daydream he'd lost himself in. To him, the blonde embodied the harshness of the world, the unfair luck that someone like Lady Fortuna was keen on giving to black sheep in her flock, and yet, to him, Richard was marvelous - an angel, perhaps, thrown into the silessian wilds, covered in all colors except white, toiling and twisting around in a bind, simply because his wings had lost their use long ago. To Yujin, none of these things mattered, even if Richard changed; he was far from prospering like this, and yet, Yujin sought to make him whole. "It might not be fine to you.", Yujin admitted. That it never would be, whatever or not they did their earnest to try. Sometimes, wounds wouldn't heal - at least not the way they should. "Sometimes, wounds don't heal. That's fine, it's the nature of things.", he told Richard and reached for him in the softest way possible, patting him on the shoulder, still clad, as softly as he could. There was nothing he wanted to take from the blonde, from a wolf as whole as he was one - he wanted to give, and patch things up, even if they were unfixable. "That doesn't mean that he doesn't want you back. You need time, as much as he does. It's the natural flow of things.", Yujin mumbled.

Not once would he seek out a fight with someone battered and bruised to his very core; if souls existed and husks persisted, Yujin was sure that one and the other wouldn't always walk hand in hand, especially when it came to injuries - one would heal, another wouldn't. Mental scars existed. "I'm trying to remember more and more. In a way, it helps me heal, and you as well." Yujin had forgone his former antics. The opium was taking ahold of his mind and eradicating the small bits and pieces of rational thinking, giving him only bliss, but at the same time, there were those little things he couldn't forget - he was here to soothe, nothing else. "Down here, we have all the time you could possibly want. Richard, take it easy. Rushing into things head-first rarely leads anywhere safe.", he spoke, his voice full of vigor, yet soft and intrigued. Had either one of them gained anything from acting in a brash way? No, not once. All they did was fall flat on their face, then get back up and briskly stride away from the scene of crime neither of them had committed. "Oh, did ... no, wait, I recall that! But better safe than sorry, you know? Seasons change and opinions do so, too. If you ever change your mind, or don't feel like giving it any more thought, don't hesitate." He could tell him off for all he cared. For now, however, Yujin wasn't craving anything in particular - no touches, no warmth, no obscene display of carnal lust. Much like Richard, he wanted to cuddle, or maybe less. "My scar?" His lips pursed, then he giggled. That was ... odd. "Of all things? ... Would you like to touch it, then? The skin feels different, but it's not dead!", he harked, almost excited over something so minor. Much to his dismay, to Shurens dismay, it was one of those ugly spots on his otherwise spotless body. What a weird way to think about it. Hands touched his own and words followed - they didn't hurt, they were less like daggers and more like frozen flowers. Yujin squeezed the hand that had shooed his away, closed his eyes and then put his hands on them as well. "You don't have to be. Tell me whenever you are ready. But remember.", Yujin smiled. "There's nothing to be sorry about and there's no need to rush. Worst case, I'll blindfold myself."

"I... I think he... I hope he is alright...", Richard simply mumbled, wanting to leave this topic behind. Yujin was right though, he knew that. He just needed to have faith. Maybe his father would write him back. Maybe he'd tell him he did better. Richard actually didn't know what he wanted to read from him, he just wanted anything really. He missed his dad, both of them. Muhan reminded him of Nayantai a little bit and Richard was glad someone strong like him was here, yet he was Yujins father, not Richards. He wondered if Yujins parents hated him for what had happened to their friend because of him, but they both were very nice to Richard, not only because they let him live here. Still, when Shuren came by to check on him, he felt odd and scared at the same time. Something about him reminded Richard of... no. He didn't want tp think about that and suddenly he felt nauseous, as if he shouldn't trust Shuren so easily. There was something about him and the way he treated Yujin, but... Richards hands started to shake a bit. He didn't want to have these thoughts, he wanted to feel safe.

He felt good, for a few tiny minutes, no actually even before Yujin came home. He had had a good day, but now not even the opium kept all those thoughts and feelings out. He wanted to have a good time with Yujin, not ruin the end to his fun night. He wanted to feel normal, but once he did for a second, all went away again, vanished, right before his eyes and he could do nothing to hold onto the good times. He couldn't even hear what Yujin said, he couldn't think or answer, he needed to actively force himself to listen to him again. Richard nodded slowly, no need to rush, but he wanted to... "T-Touch it?", Richard then asked suddenly and slightly shook his head. There was none as big as this on his body, but in its place there were many, leaving almost no healthy skin behind. It made it hard to move sometimes. When he tried to stretch, his marred skin refused. When he rolled himself together like a cat, to cry, or to hide, he felt the skin on his back spanning over his flesh and bones, much like the scar on his neck still hurt when he turned his head too fast. "I... no, I..." He didn't want to offend Yujin. The scar didn't bother him, he simply didn't want to touch him there, nor did he want his hands on any of his own scars. There was little skin he could touch left. Richards back was the worst. They whipped, burned and cut him, but it was mostly the whip that they used back there. They used hot irons on other parts. His chest, his stomach, his arms and legs. Some things wouldn't leave scars, like the times they almost drowned him and other times the two big men in the room just beat him up and broke his bones. Sometimes they would cause his skin to rip apart. His hands were fine and his face, but that was about it. Richard was glad when Yujin simply complied with his request, closed his eyes, and put his hands on them too. Richard wantd to touch him, wanted to feel the warmth of his skin again, but at the same time he didn't want Yujin to see him, nor did he want him to feel the broken body that Richard called his own. Richard waited a moment and checked on Yujins inability to see once more. "I once... tied you up with your own hair...", he told him while he hesitantly got out of the clothes that were still too big for him. He exposed his arms, chest and back, but he was careful not to look himself. Instead he pulled the blankets over himself while he lay next to Yujin. Carefully he moved closer, pressing his chest softly against Yujins side and he rested his head on his shoulder. Richards hand resided on his chest next to his nose. "I... you can... open your eyes, but... can you... uhm... leave your hands over the blanket...? You can touch my head... or touch me with the blanket inbetween... just... I'm sorry..."

Some topics hurt more than others - that wasn't a possibility or a simple realisation, it was so much more - it was a fact, set in stone, unable to be changed by someone that considered themselves doomed. Yujin wasn't one of them, he was a carefree soul, left to wander the thrian fields, but Richard was different, trapped by what made him who he was at this point - one couldn't remove his scars, lest they were already healed, but they could be soothed, if only for a while. There was no need to speak about impossible things with trembling voices, of pain and struggles alike - Yujin wanted Richard to feel safe, and he'd take whatever it took from him to actually accomplish it. "It's fine. Don't worry, okay? It was an offer, nothing more. I'm not mad, or sad if you don't take me up on it.", he chirped. Really, Yujin had far worse things he could worry about, just like Richards overall condition or the fact that despite everything, coaxing him out of his shell was even harder than previously thought. What good deeds were there to be done if he couldn't even get ahold of the recipient? He'd have to focus on that, first and foremost, and nothing else. Still, his eyes were glued shut and they were making progress. "Do yours hurt or itch?", he carefully inquired. If so, they could use an ointment afterward or soon-ish, at least whenever Yujin had the ability to see again.

Under any circumstances, he'd have peeked at whatever was hidden from him, but with Richard, not only did he respect his wishes and choices, he also was trying to ease him back into a normal rhythm - any type of setback would hurt him terribly and Yujin was aware, as much as it pained him. They both had to kick back into a different gear and just enjoy the ride. Rustling followed, his ears stayed vigilant and twitched, but he definitely wasn't going to peek - he had to learn a whole thing about boundaries, and he'd do it, whatever he felt like it or not. Softness followed, their weight shifted and Yujin finally was allowed to gaze at the man that had offered himself up, yet, hidden himself inbetween his blankets to keep his distance from creeping touches. The first thing he did was reach for Richards hair, the crown of his head, and pat him. Now, he couldn't believe what he just heard, and he couldn't stop giggling about it - that was one insane confession. "My hair? Was I being too annoying or something?" Not once could he recall such an incident, at least until ... "Wasn't that when ... you ... no, I don't think I recall.", he spoke, swallowing down the sudden thought and carressing Richards cheek, moving along his hidden form and stroking over whatever he assumed to be his arm hidden beneath the blankets. "I will leave them where you can see them, mostly. However ... am I allowed a favor?", he inquired with a smile, still stroking over Richards arm. "May I hug you?" There was nothing to be sorry about, never.

"I... I'm just... it doesn't bother me, I'm just not sure I want to touch you... there.", he mumbled. It was only Yujins stomach, but still. He also wanted to make sure, that Yujin knew, Richard didn't think it was ugly. It wasn't pretty, but it didn't disgust him or anything. He was fine as he was, the only thing it made Richard feel was the need to figure out what really happened to Yujin, because he still had the feeling there was much more to it. Either way that needed to wait and after being welcomed in Silesse, he probably shouldn't pry. To gain anything he needed to first get better and he needed to learn to read Thrian and understand whatever was whispered in this icy castle. Later though... this was only important much later, not now. Right now he was with Yujin and he wanted to focus on him and nothing else, even though his mind wandered constantly. He looked at him and prepared his answer before actually opening his mouth. "Yeah... kind of. I feel like everything is stiff... sometimes they hurt, for really no reason, but it's worse that when I want to move... I can't always. It seems like the flexibility in my skin is just... gone. Oh well..."

That was as good as an explanation that he could give. Shuren probably knew what to do, but it would never heal completely, Richard knew that. He wasn't sure if even if he felt better mentally and found back to his old weight and appetite, even if he trained again, if he could be as strong as he was before. It seemed impossible, as if his body didn't quite work right anymore. But his father was strong too, right? He had similar scars... maybe he'd be able to be his old self again anyway. For now he enjoyed the hand in his hair and the fact that he did have the courage to ask Yujin to cuddle with him like that. It felt good to feel the heat of Yujins skin again, it was as if it could get rid of the cold that sat deep in Richards bones. "Your hair yeah I... " Richard actually chuckled himself. "It sounds like you remember, but you don't want to admit it.", he pointed out softly. How different Richard had been, now he wouldn't be able to do or even think of something like that. "What favor?", he then asked, looking up from his position. He smiled when he answered. "Yes." Richard came a little closer and gave Yujin room to actually put his arms around him. As long as his hands only touched him through the blankets, he was fine with it, even if it was not at the very top, but only one or two layers.

"Shh, it's all good. Really. Take your time.", he assured Richard. What did it matter if he only forced himself to adhere to wishes of someone else? Richard wouldn't heal from taking things for granted - he wouldn't heal from deciding whatever or not he could touch someone like Yujin as much as his heart desired, while at the same time feeling disgust about the skin-to-skin contact that haunted him for more than a fraction of a second. All things considered, Richard had become delicate and broken, had thrown away his mantle made of harsh boulders that protected him, and Yujin was to care for him in his very own way, whatever he felt up to the task or not. "I'm sure we can ... I won't say fix it, but I daresay soothe them. What about it? Give them some time, they aren't old either, but better to be prepared than not.", Yujin reminded him. Maybe they'd do away with the stiffness on their own, if Richard simply gave them time and forced the skin to stretch into uncomfortable positions, to remind it that no, it wasn't supposed to be like that, and yet, on the other hand, he should take care of himself. Yujin wasn't much of a doctor, or a healer - he was a lover, with possibly crass ideas, and he wasn't about to deny any of them.

A slight chuckle escaped his lips; plush and soft, yet not found anywhere near the other mans throat. What good would he do if he went back on his word? Zero. Instead he huddled Richard into his arms, maybe not over the first layer of blankets, but he barred himself from touching his skin, kept to himself and stroked his back between the blankets, before he got closer and pressed his forehead against Richards. His actions were innocent, and the smile on his lips was, too, but Yujin had missed him, in his own arms, just for the sake of a proper hug. "Does it? Well, you might have caught me red-handed, oops.", he giggled, excited over something that, for the lack of a better expression, stung in his chest. Wasn't that the same night that Richard had booked it out of his window? Yujin wasn't sure, he didn't want to be, and for that, he tried to tighten his hug and amp up his efforts of soothing the blonde by rubbing his back. Was it getting warm? He didn't know. "Touching your head is fine, you said. What about your hands? Your arms?", he inquired in itself. There were boundaries, high like an infinite wall, and while Yujin seemingly was trying to test them, he merely wanted to know how far he could go, all things considered.

"I just want you to know I don't think it's ugly...", Richard made clear, probably because he feared exactly that, should Yujin see everything that happened to him and how much his body had changed as well. Did he think his fathers skin was ugly when he took a swim with them when his children were younger? Not at all and Richard was aware that he probably was overthinking, but he couldn't stop his thoughts and he himself probably was hating the scars the most. "I don't really want anyone to... touch them...", he admitted and thus how would they care for it? Most of them Richard couldn't reach himself and to the contrary of what Yujin said, by now the wounds had healed, so he wasn't sure if there was anything they could do that would help the skin heal better when it already kind of did. Richard wasn't even sure if he needed the flexibility back, he didn't plan to fight anymore, even though his fingers twitched when he watched Yujin train with his father. Sometimes he wanted to try his own hand on beating that man, but then he remembered that he didn't have a chance and probably would never have again.

Still Richard wanted at least a few things back. Yujin was one of those things and he cuddled up to him, when he came closer to put his arms around the blonde. He felt his warm skin on his own, something he had missed so very much. It gave him comfort and he was able to flee back to times that had been better than now. Richards own arms found their way around Yujin, clinging to him as if Richard was about to drown should he let go. Richard sighed in relieve while he pondered if they could just stay like that for the rest of the night, or if he wanted to feel even more skin on his own. It was an innocent wish, nothing more. "We did a lot of stupid things...", he continued silently. Despite all, Richard had still been a teenager. He wasn't sure what he was supposed to be now. "My arms are marred too...", he then answered, softly brushing over Yujins smooth back. "Do you feel it?" He hoped not. Maybe he shouldn't have asked. Richard burried his face at Yujins neck to hide a bit.

Yujin cuddled closer. "I'm glad to hear that.", he answered. Sometimes, he too, thought of himself as ugly - Shuren didn't like his scars, and while Muhan was adamant about insisting that they were just fine, none of those words helped to soothe him in any way up until now. Richard, on the other hand, was different. At first, he'd been nothing more than a barely flickering flame to someone that, all things considered, hardly settled for anyone, and yet, he was glued to him in an instant, grew protective of him and, even worse, felt unable to let go. Not ever again. "Shhh, it's fine. I won't touch anything you don't want me to touch, and I won't look at anything you don't want me to see.", Yujin told him. There was nothing wrong about licking ones own wounds first, about needing time and slowly growing to accept oneself, the way they were now - he knew that, and he'd never stop understanding that, no matter what, Richard wasn't the person that another Yujin knew ages ago. He'd passed on and disappeared, much like the person that he'd been before. Everything had changed, even if they'd found one another again; like this, they were whole, and yet a piece was missing.

Unprompted, he ran his fingers and his hands over Richards back, stroked it gently through the blankets and tried to offer him warmth wherever he could. It didn't have to be solely physical. "Well, we were what, seventeen?", he chuckled. Yujin was nineteen, and Richard was on the cusp of aging as well - time didn't wait, not for anyone, and yet, they needed it to heal, as much as it needed them to persist. "I don't see anything wrong with that. It was nice. Living without responsibilities and just being ourselves." Still, they could be whoever they wanted. Why not? Many things had changed, but not all of them, and as long as they were safe, nobody would insist on locking them away from all those fun things - not even Shuren. Only Richard, who needed time, whom he'd coax out of his shell eventually, and yet ... "So what? They were marred before.", he spoke. Yujin wasn't sure if he was right, they probably looked worse for wear than before, but why would he act befuddled? Ever the same, he leaned into Richards ample, velvet touches and gave the blonde another smile, letting his hand wander to the back of Richards head and stroking it, now that he had hidden. "It doesn't feel any different. Still nice, and warm, softer, maybe ... but nothing unpleasant." A kiss followed, sternly placed on the crown of Richards head. "I'm glad you're back."

"It's not only because I look worse... it never bothered me...", Richard mumbled and assured Yujin. His scar wasn't ugly, if anything it was intriguing and Richard found himself wanting to know what had happened and more importantly why. He still wanted to know and it was something he could occupy his mind with, instead of thinking too much about his own predicament. There was plenty other things to do for now and some days it worked out for him and he wasn't as scared anymore. Other days it didn't quite work and he found himself desperately searching for help, knowing that Shuren could be just as bad as Aramis was. He didn't know who to trust, besides Yujin. "I know...", he mumbled and yet he had had to let them be touched by the doctors in Myriad and by Shuren, who too cared for his wounds. Then again, Yujin was different, he trusted him, but he didn't want him to see what happened to him. Richard was glad he mostly wore those big robes with many layers, so nobody could see how his body had changed.

"Well... I felt responsible to go back home... to avenge my siblings... to..." Richard bit his lip. His time in Silesse had never just been easy. Yujin had started as a means of getting his mind and thoughts away from what had happened for a while, away from how angry he truly was and it turned into something soothing. Still, he knew it would end eventually and once he'd proven himself to his father, he didn't even look back, did he now? "You're right... you fixed this...", he mumbled, lifting his arm that had been marred by the bear he killed. He remembered Yujin fixing it alone, because they didn't want to tell anyone and because Shuren was already unhappy about Yujin spending time with Richard. "Do you remember...?", he asked, showing him the one scar he only knew as a wound and never saw fixed up. It wasn't pretty either, the seems were crooked, but it was amazing enough that he was able to sew it shut in the first place. "Mhm... Yujin? Do you believe in fate...?"

If he could have back all of those memories he lost, he figured, he'd be fine - Yujin was cuddling closer, awfully so, as if all those escaping memories were something that he could simply squeeze out of this man. Maybe they were, but ultimately, they wouldn't be; he was fairly sure of it, even if he wanted to deny it, as best he could. "It didn't?", there wasn't much conviction in his voice, but there was no doubt either - it simply came as a surprise, so much so that he couldn't help but wonder if it truly had always been like that. What about his own scars, then? Yujin liked hearing stories, liked finding out what all of them were about, even if it hurt, but he never pried, or tried to pry more than he should, he believed. Was that what he told himself? Clearly, he couldn't say, but he hoped that his former self was as decent to Richard as he was now, after all this time in which they hadn't seen one another and were growing further and further apart. Life was a bit of a mess, wasn't it? Especially in their case. "Does that annoy or hurt you? If I don't look at them, I mean.", he brought up. Yujin didn't want to decide that he deserved rights nobody had - ones that people like Richard weren't handing out, either. This was ludicrous at best, and the wolf knew he wasn't one to just capsize an entire life for his own amusement. Why would he?

"To do so much that one person alone shouldn't even shoulder any of that." The truth often hurt the most, yet, was understood the best in painful moments of clarity. Yujin remembered little, had to adjust to that, and yet, he felt like throwing up, now that his body was missing an essential substance - he knew that he put on a though face around somebody that was trying to heal by his lonesome, with minimal support of a forgetful but loyal dog by his side. Was it wrong to love Richard, still? One soft, comforting touch followed the other, as he tried to chase those feelings he had eminated earlier, as his hands were searching for bits and pieces of a body he hadn't mapped before, soothed and helped heal. His boyfriend was a delicate beast, so to speak, and he was the one that was supposed to help him. "No. I wish I could, though, it does look like my work.", he admitted with a quivering bottom lip, refraining from biting down on it, all the while those blue eyes focused on what he was shown - he touched and mapped what he had forgotten about, brushed over it, before his enthusiasm was crushed by quite the jolt in his head. It hurt like shit; Yujin whined the slightest bit. "I could have fixed that ... way better ...", he tried to downplay as he let go of the arm he'd suddenly held so close. "Huh? Hm, well, partially. Fate can't predetermine anything, life has endless possibilities, but once something is set in motion, I think it ... isn't that outlandish. I'd say yes? ... Do you think meeting me was fate?", he croaked, nervously.

"Well it... it bothered me because you couldn't tell me how it happened... it still does, but... it's none of my business, just something my brain occupies itself with so I... you know..." So he didn't need to think of his own predicament, his own scars and where they came from, because he knew very well, too well in fact. He wished to forget so much, so he could be his old self again, not the one Yujin grew to know, the one that dies alongside his siblings in the castle. Dayan died too, didn't he? He was different, broken and Richard couldn't help but think that that Olettian brat used this fact to latch onto him. Dayan never wanted the responsibility of being king even though he was the older one, being thrust into that situation with no one to help him, no one to guide him but one person he should have known to stay away from... Richard knew his brother well enough to know what happened to him, what led to his new persona and yet he didn't know him at all anymore. Yujin pulled him out of his own thoughts that weren't drowned out by the smoke, not as much as he hoped they would. "N-No... I... I don't even want doctors looking at them or touching them I'm... well it's different with you I suppose. I trust you, I know you wouldn't hurt me, it's just that I was so different when we met... and I don't want you to... to see just how..." Richard tried to speak his mind, but he couldn't. Too many feelings welled up inside of him and he stopped talking before he boke out in tears again.

"I didn't mind if I died on that mission... I never thought I'd survive and sometimes I wish I hadn't...", Richard admitted, biting his lip once more. "I should have just stayed here with my dad... I forced him to help me and I refused to turn back even though we both knew our last mission was too risky... I thought we'd just both die, I told myself it was what my father wanted anyway, after loosing everyone dear to him. It was unfair of me and it turned out even worse than death... for him even more so..." Yujin probably missed a lot of context. Nayantai wasn't unknown in Thria, but his story wasn't laid out for everyone to see either. Nobody needed to add the bit to Thrias history in which their crown prince was utterly broken. Even Richard and Dayan only heard bits and pieces of that story, never all of it and definitely no details. Richard wasn't even sure if his father - Rain - got them. Richard was willing to spill every little detail, albeit only in writing. He didn't mind Yujin reading it and he just hoped it let him understand who Richard was now. Still, he wised Yujin would remember him, so he could make an informed decision about whether he wanted this new Richard or not. "It's alright...", Richard answered, but was surprised that Yujin suddenly pulled on that arm of his. "Is everything alright...?", he asked him, looking into those blue eyes that were shaking all of a sudden. "I'm... I'm not sure...", he answered truthfully, he didn't even know why he asked that question. Yujin was what Richard needed, twice now, but he also felt like he was using him and his lack of memory.

“I still don’t know.”, he replied. Yujin couldn’t help himself; some of those memories came back to him and he was glad about getting some details right, but the fact that his brain was scrambled and torn into pieces, it didn’t come as a surprise to anyone. Who had ever even cared about something so lame? “Mhm, I know. We can still figure that out if you want.”, he agreed wholeheartedly. Silesse was never his, and he was the one that liked to live vicariously through himself and every single day he was exposed to as a challenge - it didn’t feel real, not to him, but it was, even if he refused it. A wolf without a past or a future wasn’t meant to be anything, not himself, nor anybodies, and it only served to show that he perhaps had lost himself in his own antics the moment he’d just accepted himself as forgetful, with memories so empty and non-descriptive, that he’d become himself. “Okay, okay. Don’t worry, everything’s fine. You’re fine. Shhh.”, Yujin took note of it - every single thing, but he didn’t need to be observant to understand the gist of it. Richard wasn’t doing good, he’d never been doing well in the first place and Yujin wasn’t going to shirk the responsibility of caring for him just because he felt worse; he’d break his own heart like that.

“Don’t … I don’t think I could’ve dealt with that. Not having you here is already bad, but just letting you die? I don’t think I’d ever have- no, forget it, I’m not supposed to cause you any more grief. I’m glad you’re back.”, the wolf changed his topic rather quick and wondered if, for one, he was focused on too much, and, for two, he simply had not been able to accept something deep inside of him that was embroiled in more than just a singular messy thought at this point in time. Yujin was touching and feeling scars and skin; he was trying to make sense of them, but with every smooth patch that he forwent, his brain felt hot, immensely so, and his thoughts crackled alive. “But he … he never denied you, and you didn’t just drag him along, right? He did what he thought was right, and maybe he went with you to make sure you were fine. I’m sorry, that has to he awful.” Yujins hand stopped moving, he wasn’t sure if it was appropriate to touch Richard so much in the first place, but even if, he wondered what he’d been like before - he couldn’t recall, not much of it anyway. His brain felt dimly lit at best, which was why putting Richard back together seemed almost impossible in the first place. Why and how would Yujin do any of that without proper knowledge? His head spun in circles. “I’m fine. I think I was trying to remember something and ran against a thick wall.”, he explained his sudden outburst of pain away - hopefully the physical part of remembering would be over eventually, though, he knew that if he truly wanted to know himself again, perhaps that ache of he experienced was just right. “Then … I guess we were just lucky, and sometimes, being lucky works well with what fate has in store for us.”, Yujin chuckled, gently rubbing over that ugly, uneven scar he’d left on Richard himself. “I’m here for you, even if you don’t want me to be sometimes.”

"I know... but I can't even go to that place with you anymore... not that you took it well last time anyway." Did Yujin even remember? Probably not. Richard probably knew more about what happened to Yujin than Yujin himself right now. Either way though, Shuren didn't want them to look into it and Richard shouldn't test his hospitality. He didn't want to go back to Adrestia, he wanted to stay here, with Yujin. Richard couldn't deal with Dayan and he certainly didn't have the strength to fight against Lucien. Saving them or not, he was from Olette and he killed his own father without even thinking about it. Richard didn't trust him and maybe it was wrong of him to abandon Dayan and only selfishly care about himself and not about the fact that he should wake up Dayan. "I want to be strong for you..." And Dayan and everyone else, that was the persona he curated when he came to Silesse the first time and even then he didn't resamble the prince that grew up in Myriad Castle. Dayan was the strong one, not him, maybe he should have never acted like he was.

Yujin lied somewhow, didn't he? He didn't remember Richard, not really. He had forgotten him and wouldn't have known who he lost and the plan was all along to never come back here anyway. He wished his father was here, to be able to check on him, but he was probably better off without the son that got him into that mess. "He only came with me because I made him feel guilty... because I told him he is a coward for not wanting to avenge my siblings deaths. He never wanted to go back, he wanted to stay here and just live and he wanted me to live too... I was unfair to him the whole time we were here..." Richard felt guilty and immensely bad. He'd been an asshole, the worst son someone could have wished for and even though the both of them grew closer again, it was only because Nayantai wanted to fulfill his last sons wishes, not because he wanted it. The smoke didn't help Richard forget and he suddenly felt like being alone. "I'm sorry...", he mumbled. Not only did he load so much onto Yujin, he now also made him feel bad. Richard should just shut up and in the end, he should leave Yujin alone, just like Shuren wanted him to. His father was right after all. "That's not what I mean... it's just unfair of me to expect you to be here for me. I can't go out with you, you can't touch me, you can't even kiss me. You should just... find someone who is not broken... I'll stay here. I'm fine if we're just... friends..."

"We don't need to go anywhere.", Yujin answered in the flash of a second. Why would they? They didn't need to hurt one another, nor did they need to overstep any kind of idiotic boundary that one had set for te other without saying so. All he wanted was to be left alone and in peace with Richard, to learn more about him and then maybe about himself and the years that he'd lost, somewhere in the back of his mind. Who was he to deny himself that? Yujin couldn't say, and he didn't want to find out - he wanted to be himself, without any flaws or fears, and he wanted to live forever if he could, like this, even if it was getting stale and had been stagnant for a while. "You don't need to be, not right now.", he assured Richard, and he meant it. Why would either of them need to be strong, out here no less? In this place, they both were save and there was nothing that could touch them - as long as they stayed in the castle made of ice, they were also safer than most people anywhere on this endless piece of land. Who would come here? Nobody would want to mess with Shuren and his fortress of soltitude and that was something that Yujin prided himself with; his fathers work, one that all his lifeblood had been poured into it. This wouldn't get boring, not when all that silessians were known for was their fondness of the bitter cold, but even then, Richard was one of the few that pulled through just fine, even if he wasn't born or raised here.

As he smiled about the easiness of life serenely, he was left to wonder if it would stay like that - just him and Richard, side by side, free of any and all distractions that life could offer; Yujin liked it here, even if he had to scrutinize himself sometimes. His head hurt if he just thought about it, and the inner machinations of his own brain weren't something he could claim to be used to for sure. As it all transpired, though, he found himself questioning his own motives. Was he forcing himself to love someone he did not know? Or was he forcing that someone to love the him that they did not know? That was a question for sure. "But he's alive, and you're alive, right? You can still mend things, even if you regret them now. Do you think ... he'd forgive you? I'm sure he will, I mean, he's your dad after all! And if anyone knows him, mine do!" Muhan especially, and Yujin - albeit not fully aware of it all - could only do so much to make sure that Richard was feeling like himself, all the while the person he should be able to rely on most was toiling and prancing around, trying to make sense of a world he was barely used to anymore, no? "I'm sorry, too. I ... can't really remember everything. I think if I did you'd have a better time ... this has to be strange and alienating to you, sorry.", Yujin blabbered - his shoulders slumped as he sighed and put the pipe away that he'd frolicked with. Was this even having any kind of useful effect on either of them? If only. Instead, it seemed to have the opposite effect and Yujin looked at Richard in an almost bizarre moment. "You're not.", Yujin told him, perhaps because he didn't want it to be true, or maybe because he felt like Richard was just hurting himself. "Look, I'm dumb, alright? I tend to forget things and I don't have everything in order, ever, but I care about you. I don't mind if you need time, I don't think it's unfair - I'm here for you, that's what I'm supposed to be. Just because I can't kiss you doesn't mean I'll go look for someone new. Don't be silly.", he assured Richard, and he meant it, but ... what if he- no, that was an idiotic thought. "You don't need to keep hurting yourself because you think it'll help others. I'll hurt with you." Plus, they were kind of cuddling so ... that didn't mean they weren't touching each other in some way.

"I... I know...", Richard mumbled, but still, he used to be daring and got Yujin to defy his fathers stupid rules. They did so many silly things together and even when Richard frowned, he enjoyed all of it. Yujin was the reason he started to feel alive again, the sole reason and now all of it was gone again. Yujin fixed him once, kind of, but this time? This time it seemed impossible to get normal again. The scars on his body would never heal, he'd have to live with them and see them all the time. They reminded him of what happened and thus the scars on his soul wouldn't heal either. He was scared, felt guilty and ugly, he hated his own skin. He got better yes, but this seemed as far as he could go. Occupying his mind with secrets that weren't his to uncover, crafting a talsiman for Yujin in secret, learning to write Thrian and speak Silessian and the walks in the morning, when Yujin trained with his father. It was all good progress, but he doubted he'd ever feel like himself again.

"I don't know... I wish he would have come, not for my sake, but maybe because your fathers could have helped him, but it's unfair of me to expect him to leave Dayan, now that he found him again and besides... I don't think he wants them to see him like he is now. I hope he answers my letter." He could only wait for that but it would take weeks to get an answer. The letter probably didn't even reach him yet, there wasn't a ship leaving Silesse for Adrestia everyday and the journey was long. "No, it's fine. It was fine, I just used to remember you about things, it's just... the feelings for me you might remember, they belonged to another person, that Richard is dead and you don't know the difference. I don't know if you'd be nice to me if you didn't know me before..." There wasn't any falling back in love if the person wasn't the same. Yujin fell for someone else, not who Richard was now. "I... appreciate that. I know it's not my place to tell you who you want to spend time with or not... but I wouldn't be mad at you if you ever felt like hooking up with someone, you know? We're not really... a couple, right?" Richard had actually no clue what they were, but he wouldn't cry over Yujin wanting some fun or intimicy with someone else, as long as he didn't lie about it. "Maybe we should try and sleep a bit.", he ended. He was tired from all this talking and maybe he felt better tomorrow. Maybe he felt comfortable enough to show Yujin his scars too.