eat your young (earinor & marquis)

"You shouldn't struggle so much... some people can't be saved. I think the Louis we knew died in that fire... I don't think he'd ever come back, no matter how hard we wish for it." Much like Leila wouldn't come back, but Lucy left it at that for now. Josiah was already in a foul mood and she didn't want to make it worse. "I'm all good Jo.", she instead smiled and crawled into bed, holding the blanket up so Josiah could join under it. Once he lay down Lucy put her arm around him and softly pressed his head against her chest, softly combing through his hair. "I'm sorry this got a bit gloomy. I didn't mean to have this discussion today. If you want to talk I'll listen and if not that is fine too. I'm not judging you for your decisions... and... if you want to cry abit tonight, I'll hold you. You don't have to be strong for me." That was all she wanted to say. She'd been too harsh and she shouldn't drive a wedge between Josiah and Louis. It would only hurt Jo more, because he likewise didn't want to be helped in that regard. Lucy just wanted him to feel loved and not alone, that was all and thus she kept combing through his hair softly and planned to do so until he fell asleep.

The next day Louis was called to the ringmaster. He was worried, it was probably about Roy and he looked at his feet once he was inside his trailer. "Louis...", he started with a smile on his lips. He was always acting nice, but Louis couldn't trust him. Still, he played nice and docile as well. "I know I'm talking to the wrong you when I tell you this, but you'll remember. I'm not mad at you, but please don't hurt anyone else?" "Y-Yes... I'm..." "Shh... you don't have to say anything, I just wanted to make this clear." Louis nodded, he heard him, not that he knew how to stop himself from acting like that again. Louis was scared and tired. He didn't understand what was happening to him and he didn't get any clear answers either. He felt guilty for what happened to Leila, she died because he didn't listen and thought he had a say in matters here. He heard the lesson loud and clear and could only hope there wasn't another one. He didn't want to be around anyone, today he was jumpy and barely feeling alive. He didn't just avoid the others because he didn't feel like talking, or dodging most of the topics they wanted to talk to him about, he was scared he'd hurt someone else. Most of his work he already completed early in the morning, since he wasn't able to sleep anyway and now he wanted to be alone, or around enough people who could stop him if he snapped once more. Never before did he change during the day, but he didn't trust himself anymore. "That's all. You don't have to fear any consequences from me, not for a first offense. You can go." Louis looked up shortly, then nodded and left the trailer. Outside he noticed he was shaking slightly and when he looked up, he saw Alice brush past him closer than necessary. She shot him a glance, then entered the ringmasters trailer herself. Rarely did he ask anyone else inside, or maybe she came of her own volition, usually though she kept to herself. Maybe he was just paranoid and with that thought he left.
Later during lunch time Louis got out of his own trailer to force down some food. James made him sit with him and Mara as so often lately and he noticed their gazes. He probably looked worse and worse everyday. Fist Josiah getting hurt, then Leila and Luke and now Roy... He couldn't play it off, not today, but his gaze fell upon Alice once more, who briefly sat down next to Lucy, telling her something he couldn't hear from where he sat and then got up again, leaving with a smile. Lucy smiled too.
"Earth to Louis, are you okay?"
"Huh?!" Louis was startled by Maras question and even more so by her hand on his shoulder. "I... yes I just... I forgot something..." As much as he wanted to figure out what Alice was up to, he didn't trust her, today was not the day to find out. He grabbed an apple to make James and Mara worry less about his eating habits and then simply left.


When Lucy woke up the next day Josiah was still sleeping and she felt inclined to let him sleep in. She snuck out, looked after Conny and the children and eventually at lunch time ate with everyone. It was a surprise when Alice joined them and sat next to her. She wasn't around often and she also kept her distance from Roy, Ruth and the others. She was a bit odd, but usually nice. When Lucy asked her if she could help her, she smiled and shook her head, telling her she heard from Mary that Jo was still hurt and that she wanted to help. Apparently Mary went out to gather some herbs to make more ointment for him and Alice likewise invited Lucy to join her in her trailer later. She told her she wasn't proficient in making salves and ointments, but she wanted to give her some tea that was supposed to help with sleep and pain, in the hopes it would help Josiah get back on his feet faster. Lucy was happy about the offer and agreed to meet her later. Everyone was worrying about Josiah it was sweet to see. The children also gathered some stones and other things which they wanted to gift to him so he'd feel better soon. They already missed climbing on and playing with him, but Lucy told them it was not allowed for a while and they were careful when they saw him.

Lucy's words fell on deaf ears that night, Jo only nodded and regarded the conversation as over - instead, he hugged her back and let himself be swept away by the darkness that called out for him, into the land of dreams that he didn't miss. His body was exhausted, spent even, despite him not really doing anything all day - he still had forced himself back up, time and time again, and now, when he was finally invited to relax just a bit, it knocked all the wind out of his sails, at once. Gone in the blink of an eye, he didn't even stir the next morning when Lucy did and left him alone in bed, no, he slept all through that, until the wee hours of lunch when he finally awoke on his own, feeling like, once more, he'd been run over by that same trailer he had, indeed, been struck by. His dreams hadn't helped him rest, and while his body might have needed all of that, his mind clearly didn't. There was a moment in which Josiah wondered if Lucy had left during the night, but he tossed the thought aside and helped himself out of bed - getting ready was easy enough, it didn't take a lot of time - he washed himself rather quickly, then tossed on some clothes and combed that unruly hair of his. His body ached, more than yesterday; Lucy had told him to be honest, with her at least, but by the time he finally made it to the remainder of the crowd that had had lunch, every movement feeling alien, most of them had already left.

Louis wasn't there, for one, which caused another roadblock and anyone else that Josiah would have been happy to see, Lucy and the regular crowd aside, had evaporated into thin air already, all busy with their usual tasks on a to-be working night. For one, he was happy they weren't on the go, still, but for two, he was rather tired of having to sit out every possible show. "Good ... midday, I suppose!", he boasted eventually, grinning ever so slightly at the kids that, at this time of day, seemed much more well-behaved than they usually were. No running, no lunging at him, no squeaks or yells - they looked at him, in anticipation, but kept to themselves. Jo smiled, but was confused likewise - it was supposed to be a brief run-in, he wanted to go look for the man of the hour, or rather his best friend, and yet, instead, Clementine was the first one to come up to him and forcibly thrust something against his knee. Slightly pained, he took it in stride, kneeled down and looked at her. "What's wrong? Did someone scare you?", he asked her, but she shook her head and presented him with a pretty pebble, the size of her fist - and then, she immediately ran off giggling. "Mind filling me in on this?", Jo asked the crowd of children, but they all had their lips zipped, so Lucy seemed to be his last resort.

Yesterday didn't go perfect and not how Lucy envisioned it. Louis was a sore topic but also kind of everything that circled in Josiahs head, even now, when there were so many other things going wrong. She overdid it and said too much, instead of simply being supportive. She was somewhat angry that Josiah always defended Louis, even about Luke. He'd been there, he saw what he did and yet he excused it by saying 'he had his reasons', whatever that was supposed to mean. Not that she could convince Josiah to let his best friend go. She understood his sadness, Louis had been like his brother and suddenly it was like he died, but he still haunted him, walking around in the circus and Josiah had no chance to move on. She better ignored the topic, Josiah didn't want to really open up as was. She was better of supporting him in any single endeavour and helped him excuse Louis dickishness, somehow, for some reason. It was as if Louis was the only person that counted in Josiahs head and everyone else wasn't as important...

Lucy was still happy when she saw Josiah and he at least acted happy as well, especially around the children. "Nice of you to join us sleepyhead.", Lucy teased Josiah with a giggle and then watched one of the kids handing over a present rather roughly. All of them were a bit too behaved and Lucy started laughing. "Come on guys, he's not gonna fall apart if you talk to him. Just no tackling or tickling, okay?", she told all of them and then looked at Josiahs puzzled face. "I just explained to them what happened and that you are a bit hurt. I told them to be careful for a while and when they heard Mary gave you that ointment, they all also wanted to find you some presents, so you'd feel better.", she explained beaming. Louis had told them off before, but as always he'd been rude, harsh and didn't explain to them why they should be careful and what was going on. If anything he scared them, as per usual and thus Lucy decided to give them the kid friendly translation of what he had said. "I'm sure Josiah would love for you to bring him some food, hop hop.", he sent them off finding what was left of lunch. Then she scooted over on the bench and patted the place next to her.

Spending time with Lucy had to be the highlight of yesterday, in a way. Sure, his thoughts had drifted off to Louis for no discernable reason at first, or at least to her, but Josiah knew that he was sort of desperate for this man that he called his best friend, and if it only was because he wanted his recognition - which was something Josiah had deluded himself into believing for the past few years - then he was failing at it, terribly. To have conflicting feelings like this, for both a man and a woman, wasn't great, but he'd never thought that far, not when he was standing, no, kneeling there, looking at the concerned faces of some kids that he always stood up for. Right now, he couldn't even do that, and he had kicked all of Lucy's advances, in any kind of direction, with his feet the moment he got himself stuck in the place of being all doom and gloom yet again, despite saying he wouldn't be. In a way, it didn't just hurt him, but her too, and it was bad enough that he already recognized the signs of it like this, when he just was in her vicinity, the night after he had managed to clear his head just a bit.

"I'm sorry I took so long, I had a really good dream and didn't want to wake up.", he told her with a smile, much to the chagrin of the next little guy that trotted over and foisted something into Josiahs much bigger hands; there were a few of them, all taking their turns while both sides - him and the kids - listened to what Lucy had to say. Jo thanked them eventually and turned back to her, especially when she told them to go fetch him some food; it was an appreciated gesture, but definitely not a necessary one, and some protest was heard as they sauntered off to fetch him some. "Seems like you sucked the wind right out of their sails, but ... they're often like that, suddenly they're all reserved and think they're playing with some costly porcelain, especially if someone's hurt. It's fine, I can take a bit of tackling, too, I'm already feeling better." So much for being honest with Lucy - the moment she sat down and invited him, Jo followed her lead and put his head on her shoulder almost immediately. Then, he sighed, all the tension that had risen in his body dissipating with said exhale in a moments notice. "How's the day been so far?" If anything, he wanted to hear it from her first.

"Don't worry about it, you missed nothing.", Lucy chuckled. Someone had to look after Conny soon and even though she didn't want to burden Josiah with it, maybe he enjoyed to have something to do. He felt useless, she knew, but there was really no reason. He could also tackle the kids if he preferred Lucy to head over to Conny. "Wanna tell me about your dream?", she asked with a smile. Josiah and good dreams? That was a step in the right direction, wasn't it? "Feeling better? So the ointment helped? Mary went to fetch some more herbs, it's a bit late in the year for it, but I'm sure she's going to find some. She said she'll be done with it this evening. If you want I can help you with it again." If it helped it was all the better. Putting more on this evening maybe helped even more and let him sleep again too. Once Josiah sat down and put his hand on her shoulder she was a bit surprised though. She didn't think yesterday went all too well, but they were friends after all and Josiah was everything but resentful.

Lucy softly patted his head for a bit with a smile. "Not too eventful. I already told you about Mary, the children and some others also want to help you. I didn't say anything, I swear, just that you were hurt a bit, nothing dramatic. They all want to help you, you know? It's really nice to see. Other than that... well Roy reemerged, he seems like always, I don't know... not more or less animosity from him really. I'm surprised Louis didn't scold him for yesterday, but maybe he did when I wasn't around. Conny is still in her trailer, someone should bring her some lunch. You can do it if you want, or I do it, or we find someone else. If you want I could go and you could look after the children? Louis didn't look like he wanted to train any of them today. Arthur is a bit worried because he doesn't have much to do, he's doing the exercises you showed him, but maybe you could look at his progress? It would mean a lot to him. Louis hasn't even picked an outfit for him yet..."

If one thing was wrong, five-thousand others were, too. There was no denying that, just as the saying went: Went it rains, it pours. Right now, it did indeed pour, metaphorically and not actually, like it had yesterday. Josiah looked at Lucy from where he sat, just for a bit, and then closed his eyes. "Same old, then." Would anything ever change in this place? Everything was the same, as always - sometimes a face and name disappeared, but it was soon enough replaced by another, and then another, and then another - those who wanted to work would find it, and those who didn't, well, they stayed on the streets, or wherever it was the ringmaster brought them. "I'll tell you some other time ... the details are hazy, I just know I enjoyed it.", he lied through his teeth once more, opening his eyes and looking at the empty seat across of them. "I wouldn't mind, but let's just agree now that we won't bring up that one topic from yesterday night, I think it ruined the mood more than it should." Which was a bummer. Jo enjoyed himself, especially around Lucy, that much he knew, but other than that, there wasn't much left in his mind, aside from the argument they'd had - which sucked, too.

Jo knew that if he were a cat, he'd be purring right about now, then again, he wasn't - he enjoyed it all the same. "Mhm, it's nice to hear about. I'll hopefully be better sometime soon, and then we can ignore all of these safety precautions and the kids can have some fun again." For that, he had to heal, and maybe it was just right that he let himself be cornered by his peers for it - otherwise, he'd never rest, which was something they were all painfully aware of. All of this, or most of it, was to his own detriment if he acted like this; he'd only hurt himself more and put himself out of commission longer, forcing his family to take the brunt of the impact of him missing from their performances for him. "I'm fine with either. It should be easier to look after the kids and give Arthur a lookover, though - I don't know how long I'll be if I go to Conny." She'd never let go, but sending Lucy there would also cause her to be occupied for a while. Shouldn't someone check in on Louis? Josiah hadn't even asked about him, and the moment he realized, he already opened his mouth, only to shut it shortly after again. "That's troublesome. I'll take care of the kids, then, and Arthur. Do you want to meet tonight, or does tomorrow work better?" Inbetween their banter, Jo had opened his eyes again to find a plate of lunch in front of him - whoever had brought it had already been whisked away by their friends, which was good.

"Pretty much, yes.", Lucy agreed with a smile. It almost felt normal yes, but Leila was missing painfully and Conny too. "I'm looking forward to it. It probably was something fantastical, knowing you." Lucy giggled again. She enjoyed the time with Josiah, especially when they just forgot their worries for once. Today it wasn't all too cloudy either, they actually got to see some sun. Maybe it would all work out better soon enough. "Yeah okay. I'm sorry I brought it up.", That dampened the mood a bit, but it was alright. Lucy was glad Josiah was willing to meet up again. "Hey, we could read a bit together next time. Like we used to.", she suggested. Her reading skills became better too, now that she often read to the kids. Maybe it was her turn to read Josiah a story, maybe not a dry chemical book though. Louis used to read to both of them, he always enjoyed it and made up voices for every single character. Lucy rested her head on Josiahs for a moment. She understood why he clung to the past.

"Hey now, the kids are having fun with me too, I'll have you know.", Lucy complained teasingly. Josiah wasn't the only one able to wrestle with them or playing catch. "Alright, you look after the kids then and I'll bring Conny some lunch. You could visit her in the evening during the show if you want. Only if you want though.", she suggested. Since Josiah was still off schedule, he had some time and maybe it made him feel better to be with her for a bit. "No tonight works fine, unless I'm already annoying you. It's fine if you want a night to yourself." It really was, she didn't want to overstay her welcome. "I'll pick up the ointment later, I'll ask Mary how often we should apply it anyhow. I'll bring it over, okay? We can decide then if I'll stay or not, how about that?" Lucy didn't want to push Josiah off, gladly he lifted his head on his own when he spotted the plate of food in front of him. Lucy slowly got up. "I'll grab some food for Conny then. See ya around, yes? And no rough housing!"

Something fantastical, right - he’d have to come up with a story so unbelievable that it could be one of his nightly dreams, even if he had no idea how or where to start. “Something like that.” The fireworks from yesterday’s discussion came to mind and Josiah smiled about it; maybe that was a good start for a make-believe dream, besides, it wasn’t too far fetched for it to be something that possibly was anchored in reality. “Don’t apologize, I just think we’re better off without that subject.”, Jo retaliated, meaning well. Lucy didn’t have to like Louis anymore if she didn’t want to, he’d not stop her from having her own opinion, likewise, however, he’d not pull away from Louis because of her, there simply was no way. “Sounds like a solid idea, I think I’d like that.” To him, reading entailed that he’d be hunkering over an expensive text book and marking words and making annotations, all the while some sort of chemicals were on his desks, some of them bubbling, and he was observing their reactions from a slight distance, until he fucked something up again. Regular reading, in that case, didn’t sound so bad.

“I’m not doubting that, but I hope I’m missed too.”, Josiah giggled, taking the playful jab in stride - today was a better day, even if his body ached and he was sure that, the moment he was alone with the kids, they’d see it as an invitation to play with and on him, anyway. “I do want to, I … I’ll go visit her during the show, so she isn’t lonely.” Louis would be out there, on the stage, and he wouldn’t be able to visit him like this - not with the kids in tow, and Arthur at his beck and call, at least. Maybe he could still do something for him? There had to be something he could do, still. “Sounds like a plan. See you tonight at the latest then, and take care!”, he told Lucy before she left, only to start digging in - not long after he washed off his plates, then made his way to the kids’ trailer; overall, the day went by quite uneventful, and in the end, he found himself spending the night with Lucy in his trailer yet again. They shared what they’d done without one another, how Arthur was making progress, what the show was like, and then, they read together for a while, until they tucked themselves in. Jo was calm, and he came to enjoy having Lucy there with him, he was appreciative of the added security even - and still, the next day, he couldn’t make himself seek out Louis, almost ashamed of himself for not doing so earlier, and so, the days came, and some of them went by faster than others - one time, he finally mustered the courage to knock at his trailer door, waiting for an answer that never came.

Whispers lay on the wind when he tried his luck again, sometime in the wee hours of morning, but the trailer was empty then, and it was after breakfast, when the dark clouds started hanging lower in the sky, too. Jo couldn’t find him, and yet, he knew he hadn’t just up and left - all he had to go off, after looking over every nook and cranny of their home, was some whispers and words that he’d heard at lunch over the past few days. Rightfully so, he grabbed some breakfast and bundled it up, and then set out, the same way they’d gone the last time they’d considered running away, only to widen his search area further - they’d told him he was out there, somewhere, and that Mary had seen him. By the time it had started drizzling, Josiah finally spotted the figure in the tall, not yet dead grass; he sat there, all solemn, both his shirt and hair billowing in the breeze that chased after the droplets that barely got anything wet, yet. “Found you.”, he spoke up, once he had closed some more distance between them. “Is that as far as it goes?”

Lucy liked their plan for the night and she'd not bring up Louis again. She spent the day with Conny and just before the show found some time to visit Mary, who gave her more of that ointment. She had a bit more time to visit Alice too. They drank some tea together in her trailer, which she never visited before and she was surprised to find that Alice was actually very nice once she let Lucy in a bit. She gave Lucy some different tea for Josiah, saying it would help him rest during the night and it should help healing a bit too. If nothing else, she said, it was a nice warm tea in the evening. Additionally she gave Lucy some incense she liked, saying it had relaxing qualities. Lucy thanked her for it as well and after the show went straight to Josiahs trailer. They had a lovely evening together, just avoiding a certain subject. Mary said putting the ointment on once a day or maybe every second one should work out best and so Lucy helped Josiah with it and also offered him some of the tea she got from Alice. Lucy felt cozy that night and she spent some more too, glad about the warmth and the closeness to someone who was still there and himself.

Louis couldn't sleep and he stayed away from everyone as best as he could. Come the show he figured he'd just go to the tent once everyone arrived. He didn't trust himself, but with so many people around he felt saver than with one or two alone. He didn't want anyone to come searching for him to be alone with him during the show, when he wasn't sure what would happen. He didn't train the children and the scribbles for Arthurs costume lay on his desk in his trailer untouched since his talk with Josiah. At daytime he found himself as far away from everyone as possible. He couldn't go any further. Once Mary surprised him and told him he scared her sitting there all silent. He apologized and they gladly quickly parted ways. Now he sat there, his had resting on his arms. He wasn't even longing to leave, he just wanted to be alone. Nothing was right and while he found himself able to deal with the situation he found himself in after the fire, he now felt as lost as ever. When he heard a voice he jumped to his feet startled. His arm suddenly burnt and he flinched, taking a step back into safety with gritted teeth. He spotted Josiah not far from him. "Jo...", he mumbled surprised. "I'd rather you left me alone.", he quickly told him and upon him taking a step closer, moved one back himself, trying to stay where he was save, but also away from his friend.

What was that about? They’d test Louis’ limits last time, but it seemed as if this truly was the edge of his world - he couldn’t go further - if he tried, it seemed he’d be hurt for it. Did he understand? No, but Josiah made an effort regardless ass he extended his arm, with the bundle of food he’d packed up, stretching it in Louis’ direction. “You haven’t eaten in a bit, I figured you might be hungry.”, he solemnly told him, a weary smile on his face as looked at Louis and his abrasive nature - he’d changed, for the worse, in little time. Something wasn’t right and it rested on his shoulders, heavier than other things had in the past. “I’m worried, but that’s not just me, and I doubt I’m the first person to tell you that.” It was a still weak attempt at persuasion, even after Louis had made himself clear - Jo knew that, whatever was wrong with him, it probably had to do with that part of him that didn’t shy away from throwing bits and pieces of craziness at Jo’s head, ones that he took to heart, seeing it as valid criticism, even if they weren’t, necessarily.

“I looked for you, all over, but I couldn’t find you.” That, as a matter of fact, wasn’t anything that Louis even needed to answer - it was a simple explanation for an unasked question. “And then K thought you could use someone to talk to, and if not to talk, to know that you’re not alone.”, he summarized his thought process, not moving an inch from where he stood - he had cornered Louis, unfortunately, as he stood there, like a deer caught on the road, blinded by the headlights of a carriage, freezing in fear. Louis was odd, he’d changed - Jo didn’t like it. Did Lou? Doubtful. “There’s no need to try and run, or make distance. I’m not going to come too close if you don’t want me to … I have something I want to ask.”, Jo elaborated further, looking at his former best friend with a hint of determination glinting in his eyes. People and times changed, so did relationships, yet, Josiah had always been the same kind of ridiculously clingy and persistent, as he was right now, too. “Please?”, he urged with puppy eyes - something even Louis would find hard to resist at times, at least in theory.

Josiah treated him like a wild animal that needed taming and maybe he wasn't too far off, but he had his reasons not to get too close to him. He wasn't scared of Josiah, he was scared of himself, but there was no way he could tell him and even if he could, he'd not understand, Louis didn't even understand anything himself. "I'll eat it. Just leave it.", he told him to get rid of him. Telling him he wasn't hungry wouldn't fly. He just wanted him to go. "I know. You can't help me." That was a more honest answer than he had ever given Josiah. It was the truth though. He saw the looks of everyone, he knew they rarely seen him and it was unlike him to shun his responsibilities, namely training the kids, fixing the costumes, coming up with the stage plan and other things they rotated around. He tried to get as much in as he could in the early morning, when nobody else was awake yet, but the sun was up and it wasn't too dark, but he didn't trust himself near the children. The only times he turned up to work was when the show started and during it of course. Then he vanished again, he avoided his own trailer, because he didn't want people go look for him, neither Jo, nor Roy or anyone else.

"I didn't want to be found." That much was obvious to everyone. Josiah was wrong though, Louis was alone and he couldn't talk to anyone. Half the circus wasn't allowed to hear what he had to say and the other was bound be secrecy themselves. "I know you would never abandon me Jo.", Louis told him over the wind. The rain had started a while ago, but it was only droplets, yet the clouds looked dark. Even the plants were starting to die around them. It was the nature of fall and winter, but it didn't make things less depressing. Getting rid of Josiah proved difficult at the best of times and Louis couldn't run anyway. He bit his tongue and pondered for a moment. Then he looked back up somewhat defeated. "What is it?", he asked, but he couldn't promise an answer and Jo knew that. At least Louis managed to keep his cool, for Josiahs sake, so he wouldn't worry too much. Even though he felt like the world was crashing onto him around him, he kept it all contained. If it was Jo who had met this fight, he surely would think he deserved it. Louis knew that he didn't, but that didn't change anything. He was getting too tired to fight.

The weather was worse than he wanted it to be; if it was all sunshine and rainbows, Louis sitting out here would be fine, but like this, he'd only get wet and sick, and knowing him, only ever so slightly unfortunately, he was stuck all the way in his head. "Alright. But you have to eat it, not just toss it to the wind, promise?", he urged his old friend, knowing his in and outs by now. No food meant he'd be slowly starving himself to death, which was something they couldn't have - Josiah, at the very least, didn't want that to happen. "Talking about it doesn't make it worse, though." As long as they didn't break out in a big argument again, but even then, they had always managed to make things work out in the end, needing little time to patch and mend things once more. Josiah was happy for it, it meant their relationship was looking up, or at least he perceived it as such - push would come to shove eventually and they'd have these things down in no time, he was sure of it, and until then, he'd simply try and make things right himself, be that as it may right now. Could he, even? Who knew.

"You were hard to find, but no match for me.", he replied in turn, the color of his voice a sing-song tune of emotions intermingling. Josiah was truly happy to have found him, but not about the state Louis was in, not when he blended into the dark backdrop of rain clouds and dying grass, not when he looked at him like that, with an expression forlorn and in the clouds alike. "I'm just doing what you'd do, and besides, I worry about you." When was Jo not worried about him, though? There were nights he lay awake, wracked his brain for hours and tried to understand what was going on with Louis, and then there were days where he was plagued by thoughts all day long, only for them to exhaust him so much, they already subsided when he got to bed. Steeling himself for what was about to come, he gave Louis the kindest smile he could muster as he gently put down the bundle of food he'd grabbed for him. "There's rumors going around, and it doesn't help that you've been so distant lately ... to all of them, really. Did you and Roy fight? Some people said you hurt him, but I don't think you'd do that without a reason. You can be honest, I won't judge." Josiah had heard something through the grapevine, some whispers on the wind so to speak and they had eaten away at him, slowly and surely - he needed to know. "If you can't tell me ... like, physically can't, I understand.", Jo was quick to reassure Lou. "Just ... if you need to talk about it, or something else, I'd like to try? You don't need to hide out here, not from me or anyone else." They all - no, Josiah loved him the same, regardless.

"I'll eat it.", Louis answered, he'd at least try, even though he was sure it was futile. He wasn't hungry and forcing anything down felt like a chore. Half human, half whatever it was, he wasn't even sure if he needed to eat, or if he could die. He wasn't like Roy, but he just got up again. Well he was still hurt and it seemed annoying to him, but he wasn't dead, not even out of comission for a while. "I can't be around anyone right now." Talking about it wouldn't help and Louis rather didn't spend time with anyone, especially not alone. Jo was better off going back. Maybe Louis had to clean up his act and try and seem like everything was alright and as normal, so people wouldn't bother him and actually left him alone, like they did the past couple years, mostly at least. It seemed like whatever he did lately, it turned to shit and got people hurt, his intentions didn't even matter there. It wasn't only Roy, Leila was his fault too and Luke was taken anyway in the end.

"You shouldn't bother, really. There is nothing you can do for me." Besides leaving this awful place, but no matter what Louis tried, Jo was steadfast and wanted to stay. Louis understood there were other people too he didn't want to leave behind, but it would be best they all left, but of course he couldn't say any of this. The ringmaster wouldn't have let him leave that trailer ever again i not for this spell, or curse, or whatever it was that held his mouth shut. Louis looked up when Josiah mentioned Roy and the rumors that were apparently spreading. He doubted Roy himself said anything, but Ruth might have, or any of the others for whatever reason. Was it even a rumor when it was true? "And what if I told you I did and that I didn't have a reason?" He did have one, a twisted one that didn't warrant his action, especially since he didn't know that he'd be fine just a few hours later. He was sick of being played with and he was sick of Roy exploting his weakness. He was curious too, not about Roy specifically though. After what Louis had said to Jo before, how could he trust himself to not hurt him out of some form o curiosity? "I don--" His words got stuck in his throat. Telling Josiah he was in danger wouldn't leave his lips, no matter who was responsible. This place, the ringmaster, the others, or even Louis himself, he couldn't tell him. Everything needed to be save and cozy for him. "I appreciate your concern, but I can't be around you right now. Or anyone else. Please just leave... I do need to be alone..."

"Promise?", Jo asked once more, wanting Louis to swear on whatever he could, no matter how little it was, or how important it was to either of them. To see him so hagard and ridden with worry - he had gotten good at reading Louis and his deadpan expressions, his general demeanor and behavior overall there was, at times, the slight realization in the back of his mind, one that told him no matter how, what, when or why, he was doing the right thing and he was only here to help, after all. "Don't be like that." An attempt at reasoning with Louis, who behaved like a shy animal, hiding in the reeds near a lake, hoping to not be spotted by friend or foe alike. Was he paranoid? Did he fear Roy would come back and pay him back for what he'd done? Josiah didn't quite understand, not yet anyway, even now that he worried more because of the way his brain worked. Was it right for him to do that? No, he should respect Louis' wishes and leave him be, that much was for certain - could e bring himself to? No. With a sigh on his lips, he conjured up another smile and looked back at Lou, knowing what answers lay in wait for him after he'd ask to stay.

"That's what you think, but we can try something, and if that still doesn't work, I guess I truly can't do much for you." Right, he'd never stop trying, still. Was it a curse or a virtue to be this resilient, if only for one person? Whatever god - if he existed - had in store for someone like him, Josiah envisioned that it had to hurt and thus, all of this was a slow, agonizing appetizer of his worst fears, bunched into one never-ending nightmarish scenario of chasing shadows and hiding in them at times. "I ..." And what if he didn't have a reason? "Good question. It wouldn't change anything, not for me." That was his conviction, his alone - maybe a wrong one, or perhaps one that showed that, if all else failed, he'd stick with Louis, no matter what happened, he had made his mind up about that, and he'd keep at it, like a guard dog on an endless chain that was bound to run back to his master at some point, without questioning anything, ever. "You can't. It's alright." Disappointing, yes, but not surprising - not when his hands formed fists, not when the wind picked up and the drizzle, even if it hadn't intensified, felt like needles pricking his skin through his shirt, thousands at a time - the hair on his neck stood on end. "Are you scared you'll hurt me, or anyone else, too?" There was a storm broiling, perhaps in those clouds, or in Josiah himself; he wasn't upset, not yet, anyway - he'd promised himself he'd not be, not today. "Is this what you want? To stay out here until you're soaked and sick just because you feel like you have to?"

"Yes.", Louis quickly answered. He'd try at least, he couldn't promise more than that. "Like what? You don't even know what I'm talking about..." With a sigh he looked at Josiah, who always had to corner him somewhere, who never gave him the space he asked for. Sometimes he'd not look for him for days, but that was a good thing. Instead now like many other times he forced Louis into a corner, making him feel even more trapped than he already was. He was trapped in this circus, tied to the ringmaster and the others, he couldn't leave and he was trapped with something else inside of him he couldn't get rid of. He was trapped by Josiah too, who refused to finally let go of him. Louis was tired to fight against everything including himself, he was tired of only having more and more questions, of being alone and isolated and of people acting like they understood what was going on. Josiah couldn't know and Roy didn't either as he lacked the ability to feel certain human emotions. He only had made up pity for Louis.

"And what something would that be?", Louis asked agitated. Josiah acted like he knew everything, like Louis was just being difficult. The truth was, even having him see that he couldn't leave her potentially put him in danger, since he wasn't supposed to know any of that. "I'm not unfailing, I'm not free of mistakes. Think for yourself.", Louis answered tired. Idolizing Louis was dumb and Josiah had voiced his own valid criticism before. Only because he didn't like Roy, didn't mean he should excuse Louis actions. What if it was someone else? Someone he cared about? Would that make him relent finally? No, because he hurt Luke, Conny and Lucy and still Josiah was right here, absolving him of all crimes. Josiah was spot on with his assumptions. Louis couldn't tell him he was right, but he also didn't deny it. "I'm out here because on premise I'm not left alone. I'm not going to get sick..." Louis let out a sigh. "Why do you always have to argue with me? I'm tired Jo, I don't have the energy to fight with you. I'm asking you to leave me alone...please..." He wanted to give up fighting with Josiah, but he didn't want him to get any closer either. Louis looked up, trying to make out how late it was, how long until the show? The closer it got, the less he trusted himself.

That was ... about it, wasn't it? Josiah was nobody anyone wanted to be around of, and Louis was no different than all of them in the long run. It hurt, but he was doing the wrong thing here, seeking him out and forcing him to spend time with him. Wasn't this always the same thing over and over again? "I do, but it's no use arguing about the same old again and again.", he lamented, aware that, if not now, they'd at least break out into a fight later, if they kept talking, and that was something that Josiah, as much as he wanted to spend time with Louis again, wanted to circumvent. Why couldn't this buffoon just understand that he wanted to be close to him, spend time with him and, if possible, have a good time together? Was that so hard to put together? It seemed so and Josiah, none the wiser, knew that it was his turn to shut up and simply give Louis some space - making things about him never worked, but being honest with others did and he, right now, wondered what it was that he had tried to accomplish by coming here this morning, aside from feeding this man some food that he'd likely scatter to the wanton winds of yore instead.

"I don't know yet. I'll think of something. I'll help you, somehow, some way.", Josiah assured him, letting his head hang low in shame because he hadn't yet made up some sort of brilliant plan that would safe Lou from all of his ailments, now and forevermore in the future. It stung, like salt in a wound, and it burned, like someone was rubbing it in, all the while he was already being pelted by rain that might as well double as tomatoes, heralding his failure of a show. "I'm not absolving you of guilt. All I'm saying is that I know you, and I know that you have your reasons, and that, even if you don't, that won't me from seeing the good in you, or being your friend. Maybe I'm putting you on a pedestal, but so be it, I don't mind. This is my decision." One marred in nostalgia, like scented paper softly wafting of roses still, years after it had been taken out of the press - some things lingered, for better or for worse, and became stains that wouldn't wash out eventually. This was the nature of things, one that Josiah sometimes couldn't accept. "I'm just worried about you, that's all." Something that caused him to be quite overbearing at all times, really. "I'm not trying to argue!" And then, he argued again - he was like a child, petulant and selfish, overbearing and of the opinion that, no matter what he did, it was the right thing to do. That had to stop. Josiah sighed - he'd fucked up. "I'm sorry. I'll leave you be. I meant well, but I don't think I thought it through. Just, take care and if you want to talk, whenever that is, I'm there for you.", he mumbled against the wind and turned heel, already, giving up without arguing any more - there had to be some other stuff he could take care of at the circus, then.

It wasn't that easy, none of this was easy. Louis would love to talk, or simply not be alone, to be with his friend that had been like his brother years ago. He would today, he'd already given in before and let him come close again, there was no use pushing him away for the sake of making him leave, but this was different now. He didn't want to hurt him, he didn't want to hurt anybody, but he couldn't be sure what would happen. Sure with Roy it was close to the show, he'd tried to fight back, his head felt like it would split open right before, but the images of his actions wouldn't leave his mind and in his dreams, if he slept at all, Roys face was replaced with his friends. Leila too haunted him, as if he had pushed her off himself. "I know you want to help... but I can't right now. Sorry...", he let out slowly. He didn't want Josiah to get the wrong idea again, no matter what he did or said, if Josiah didn't get the affection he sought, he was prone to blame it all on himself, when none of this was true. "Jo!", he yelled after him when he already turned, shrouded in misery. "None of this is your fault. And... please don't ask Roy about it..." It needed to be said and about Roy, he simply didn't trust him, who knew what he'd say. With that he waited a bit, then grabbed the food and with it, went back to his trailer, so people stopped worrying and wouldn't search for him in the rain.

Louis learned one thing. He needed to pull himself together, so people stopped worrying about him. He needed to be his old self that was mostly left alone, he just couldn't trust himself around the children, especially not on one on one sessions. With Conny still grieving, Louis was supposed to train Arthur alone, but he just couldn't do it. Would that cause his death as well? Because he wasn't useful anymore? Louis thoughts spiraled again and again. The show went without issues as always and after he forced himself to show his face a bit longer, helping to clean up. The night was sleepless once more and thus he got up early, doing some maintenance and pinning his designs for Arthurs costume near the rig. Someone else would make it happen. Gladly he designed most of it a while ago and thus it wasn't as gloomy looking as it could have been. Actually, it had all the bright colors it needed, white as the most prominent one. The day went by and tonight was no show, they only performed six days a week, if they stayed that long in one spot in the first place, mainly because of the animals, not them needing to rest. They also had to restock and that took a whole day, sometimes it grew late. Josiah and Lucy went into town and when they came back with their new supplies, vanished soon after. Louis took it upon himself to check the contents of all they brought with them in the wagon they borrowed and crosschecked it with his list. Then he started to unload as long as everyone else seemed busy still. At first it went quite okay, but soon enough the lack of sleep and food finally caught up to him. He felt light headed and of course ignored it, then he tripped. He felt his head hit one of the boxes and then darkness.

Josiah had been in a good mood and then he hadn't been for some reason he didn't want to talk about, which meant it was about Louis. The ointment at least seemed to help and in the evenings in his trailer Jo always felt a bit better, at least Lucy wanted to think that. Today they finally went to the city together and they bought some macarons, like they wanted to. Instead of eating them right away, they wanted to enjoy them together. Josiah said he'd go and get some food and Lucy meanwhile prepared his trailer for dinner. She ignited the oil lamp, closed the curtains and set up some tea for both of them. She also wanted to try that inscence she got from Alice. It sometimes smelled a bit... chemical... in Josiahs trailer, probably because he experimented with his trinkets and thus she thought maybe it would get rid of that smell a little bit. With everything done Lucy sat down, the macarons were still in a small paper bag she put in the middle of the table and as her last task she decided to put them on a little plate instead, stacking them so they'd look neat.

Eerie silence had fallen over the circus not too long after he left Louis, hammering home what he'd been told - don't talk to Roy, and that, he kept to, for the next day, when he tried to make sure he didn't really talk about anything regarding the incident. Spending his time idling wasn't fun, but he knew that if he let himself get caught up in those feelings of his, someone else would get worried and it would set of an unnecessary chain of events that he would do best to avoid; restocking day came soon enough and Jo took it upon himself to go to town with Lucy in tow, spending the entire time chatting about the most mundane things. After spending that many nights together, in fact, Jo wondered if they'd run out of topics to discuss eventually - their lives seemed more intertwined than they had been before, and ... there was no way out of that, really, he had accepted and welcomed the distraction that Lucy offered him with her existence and almost incessant pestering if he seemed to get lost in his own head again. Thankfully, at the very least, it helped, more than just a little, and even now, he pranced about the dinner table and got some for himself and her, bringing it back to the trailer and shirking all semblance of wanting to spend the evening with his family and friends - they'd come back here in due time, he'd told himself, but there was little signs of the "situation", as he had labelled it in his head, ever letting up. Not that he did mind, actually.

Whence he returned, he used his elbow to open the door and a strange scent wafted in his direction almost immediately. Josiah was used to crafting the most absurd things, of having himself smell like chemicals, yet, this wasn't a scent he was used to, or one that he recognized right off the bat, and instead, it intrigued him as he shut the door after himself. "I brought dinner!", he announced quickly, knowing that Lucy was quite a ways aware of what it was that he balanced on those plates - namely some roasted vegetables and whatever kind of amalgamation of meat and potatoes one of them dubbed a 'roast' - when he set them down on the table, taking in the atmosphere. Sure, it was dark out, but they weren't going to bed yet - was this supposed to be some kind of secret? "What's that smell?", he jokingly asked. "It's not half-bad, better than whatever was lingering in the air in here this morning." Honestly, he should just air this place out more often, but Josiah, being himself - and a man - just couldn't help himself, if he were to excuse it all away. "Sorry, did you wait long? ... Well, long enough to make a macaron tower, I suppose!" As he spotted it, this time taking a clearer look at the table in front of him, he chuckled, amused by the feat in front of him. How cute ... maybe this, too, was one of Lucy's endearing qualities, and Josiah wished it weren't pitchblack night out there, so he could take her into the fields instead - this occasion felt more fit for a meadow than a dingy trailer, only that the season also was the wrong one to begin with.

Lucy looked up smiling when the door to Josiahs trailer finally opened. She quickly got up to take one of the plates off his hands and put it on the table. That gave him a hand to close the door behind him as well. "Thanks Jo.", she smile, sitting down again. "It's some incense... I hope you don't mind. I thought it might be nice, not that the smell otherwise bothers me. I didn't ask what it's supposed to smell of to be fair." Lucy giggled a little bit and took a dramatic whiff of the smoke lingering in the air. "Hmmm... I don't think I can make it out and I probably can't name half of the scents out there, unless it is grease or roasted chicken." There were little smells she could name, this one somewhat smelled woody, but at the same time there was some sweet undertone that reminded her of fruit. Which fruit though, she couldn't tell and maybe she never encountered it before. They didn't have a lot of variety in their diet and exotic fruit was definitely not on the menu.

"No, not at all. I just thought it looked better like this.", Lucy chuckled looking at her creation. They'd been more expensive than they'd thought, so they better made the most of it. The tea was kept warm in a teapot and since Josiah was here now, Lucy filled both their cups. It wasn't wine, but this was maybe even better. It was getting cold anyway and the trailers weren't insolated very well. Every single one had some nooks and crannies the wind blew through. "I washed your clothes by the way, thanks for always borrowing them to me." She smiled again. Today there had been no show which meant their food was less exciting, but they had a great dessert lines up, so maybe it was a good thing they didn't stuff themselves with other good things beforehand. They only had some stew with all the leftovers in it, but Lucy didn't complain. It was warm as well and helped keeping the cold out. "By the way, you didn't have to pay for half of these. I don't really have anything to spend my money on anyway and you have all your books and chemicals, they surely are expensive."

Lucy was smart, she was endearing and Josiah knew that she was loving, too - all in all, those had been good qualities and they were sure to make boys and men swoon about her, he figured before long, yet, instead of working her charm on them, she seemingly rather spent time with him, fooling about and being silly. To claim he didn’t need it, or want her around, would be a half-baked lie as well - he enjoyed himself like this, for the time being at the very least and he knew that in her presence, he’d neither be judged nor unloved. “Smells nicer than the chemicals, for sure, but that’s really not hard to begin with.”, Josiah ascertained as he settled on his side of the table, gazing over to Lucy - nothing would ever change, and everything was always the same. That’s what he told himself some days ago, and he couldn’t be further from the truth to begin with, it now seemed. “Roasted chicken does smell nice at times.” Especially when they hadn’t eaten all day and he himself felt as if he could eat an entire horse, would someone let him, that was. Would he, though? Josiah doubted it.

“It’s a nice little pyramid, I’ll give it that. Hopefully it’s tasty, too.” If not, they’d at least gotten to try them and could share them with the others who, if not for their little foray into the world of expensive sweets, the likes of which most of the circus had never even gotten a lick of. Gazing at the rim of the cup, he watched the fragrant, hot tea fill it out in no time - he felt bad about not helping Lucy more with this stuff, and he felt somewhat annoyed that neither of them owned a tea set without wear and tear, for the first time in maybe, ever. “Thanks for washing them.” She could keep them, really, it wasn’t that much of a hassle to eventually buy some new ones the next time he had to make a supply run, or ask someone else for a change of clothes if he truly was desperate for another - the two that he had were fine. “It’s fine, really. I still have all that I need and then some, if I don’t spend my money on them for once, that won’t change much. Besides, as long as I’m on bedrest there’s no reason in dying my hair anyway.” The color had faded a lot by now, but Josiah didn’t necessarily care, after all, it still stood out quite enough. “And also, I can’t just bum off of you, that wouldn’t feel right - I guess we should eat before it gets cold, though.”