bloodbound. (earinor & akira)

There was only so much in such a short period of time that he could soak up and try to understand about Richard, and yet, whatever followed after that was hardly worth a second thought. Surely, the two of them belonged together and obviously, they had plenty of time they should be spending with one another - however, all of that culminated in the realization that, despite everything they had been doing with one another so far, Yujin figured himself out, more than anyone else, and if he had to be painfully honest, that didn't help their situation all that much, just him, whoever he was and whoever he'd been up until that point. "I missed you.", he spoke, as if he knew what he was talking about and while he - most likely, at the very least, did know something, deep down, all of these things were just stuck in his head, rolling over his lips with ease, once they weren't occuped by Richards own, and he found a moment to say something in between. Yujin liked it here, he liked being with Richard and holding him in his arms, knowing there was nowhere else for him to go - and it put his mind at ease that, for some reason, he wouldn't just disappear, like he'd done ... before? Had Richard ditched him? Yujin wasn't sure, but he felt as if keeping Richard here was something he'd wanted to do before.

None of this was rushed, or overcharged with any kind of other emotions - or wants. All they seemingly wanted from one another was a tender moment to share, and Yujin wasn't about to break any of that, not when his rosy cheeks felt warm and he wanted many more kisses and cuddles, something Richard had asked for before. All of this was fairly experimental, and it took his breath away, and yet, he didn't know what to say or what to do in between, when he was trying to get in another kiss, followed by another, not even daring to do much else, yet hardly breaking any of his after some time, and almost as if he wanted to be a bit of a tease, he finally bit Richards lower lip, not hard at that, merely to prove that he could just do that - and stick his tongue out at the blonde afterwards, almost like a kid that was fooling around. None of that persisted, however, and they soon were back to their innocent, shy kisses, trying to one up each other with those, seeing who could get in the most - almost as if they had started a competition who could be the cutest, most sincere of the two of them and Yujin was, all things considered, losing to Richard, who was so much sweeter than him. A comfortable warmth spread in his heart, as soon as he heard the confirmation that he'd always looked for - his expression brightened, if any of that was possible. "I ... wanted to hear that for so long ...", he admitted, muffling himself with another sweet, sweet kiss. "I like it here, with you in my arms, in this bed, all cozy. Kissing and cuddling you is all I ever wanted." Did he? He sounded like it, somewhat glad and a bit exhausted, because some part of him finally got what he asked for. "Be as selfish as you'd like, I'll indulge you.", the wolf suddenly mumbled, smiling at the blonde as his face came closer, and the warmth on his cheeks had spread to his ears. "I wouldn't trade anything for this, ever ..."

"I missed you too...", Richard whispered at Yujins lips while touching his nose with his won. "I thought about you every day..." He did, at least once. He didn't think he'd come back here like this, but he sure hoped he would. he thought once he got his revenge, he would come back to Silesse, happy for once and maybe Yujin would have not forgotten him. It didn't work out like that, he endured much more than he ever thought he would and Yujin forgot most things about Richard, yet he was happy, right now at least. He got Yujin back and they both loved each other still. Richard wanted to believe that if Yujin could remember, he wouldn't mind the state Richard was in, in fact he'd try to fix him just as he did now, there was no harm in accepting those long lost feelings, was there? Richard slowly moved his arms to carefully push one under Yujin while the other lay on top of him soon enough. He hugged him while pulling him into another soft and tender kiss and he wondered if they'd be able to stop at some point.

Both of them enjoyed this and Yujin got a bit playful, biting Richard, but soon enough the tenderness came back through. At some point maybe he'd be able to be cocky and rash again, not now however, when he left every kiss wondering if Yujin enjoyed it, only to remember himself that yes, of course he did. Richard felt like he'd be sleeping well this night, at least he hoped he did and maybe he'd have something nice to dream about for a change, but the day wasn't over yet, in fact they just woke up a view hours ago. "I'm sorry I didn't say it sooner...", Richard answered. he was sorry for not yelling it back at him when Yujin told him the first time. Remembering that Richard squeezed Yujin for a short moment. "I wanted to come back to this... it always was my goal out there..." Even in the dark dungeon of Olette he thought about making it out alive to see those blue eyes once more. Yujin wasn't all Richard thought about, but he gave him strength and the resolve he needed, for a while at least. He was embarassed that he gave up right before the finish line. Richard didn't want to think about it now however, he just stole himself another kiss, imagining the sight of the two of them from above, as if his soul had left his body for a moment to watch that tender moment and engrave it in Richards memory, hopefully erasing something different instead. Before his inner eye Richard could see the black silky hair flowing on the bed like a river and in contrast to that there was Richards blonde hair that grew out a lot too. Wasn't there a symbol the Thrians had? It didn't matter, Richard decided what he'd carve for Yujin and yes, he very much intended to do that in due time. Not now, not tomorrow, not in a week, but he'd do it and he knew exactly how it should look like. "I love you...", Richard reiterated as he looked up into the blue eyes during a short break from kissing, smiling back at Yujin.

"I want to stay here... I'll try my best.", Richard assured Yujin and he wondered if they talked like that because both their heads and minds were muddled up by the kisses and feelings welling up inside them. Richard felt so strongly for Yujin it almost hurt and it seemed abnormal and unhealthy. Still he let himself feel all of it, not like before, when he turned him down time and time again, because he built up those walls to protect himself from further loss and to also protect Yujin. Yujin didn't need protection, he was an adult, older than Richard at that and if he told him what he wanted, it wasn't Richards place to tell him otherwise. He learned that at least, though there were still boundaries he set himself too. "I'm sorry...", Richard apologized for leaving, he shouldn't have, but on the other hand, staying here wouldn't have fixed him either. He had been broken before, he was now too, more so, but at least he learned some things, that was what he told himself. "Don't worry about it... your memories are coming back, you'll remember..." Yujin had made a lot of progress on that front and they'd keep that medicine away too.

"See?", Richard knew Yujin said that because he meant Richard and that he was slow in admitting to his feelings, but it also applied to Yujin who just needed to be patient and his memories would come back eventually. He remembered so much already. Richard kissed Yujin again. Whereas he wanted to be strong before and no protection from anyone, now he was glad Yujin intended to shield him from harm and keep him close, no matter who said what. Their kisses remained tender, besides a short moment when Yujin tried some more, only to go back too the way he kissed Richard before. They turned on the matress, changing position every now and then, both lay on their side, or Yujin leaned over Richard, all positions were fine and the kisses remained soft. Richard remembered Yujins small obsession with his scar however and eventually he fumbled with the knot around his neck and removed the neckerchief without any comment and without stopping to kiss Yujin. Richard looked up at Yujin again after another tender kiss was over and he caressed his cheek softly. "Would you... would you be able to bring me a knife and... some wood sometime? I... I want to be prepared..." It was stupid to ask for those things, but Richard didn't know how else to receive them. It wouldn't be much of a surprise if he eventually sprung that certain question on Yujin anyway, though... for now he intended to just be prepared, not to act upon it.

"Me too." Keeping Richard save seemed to be his utmost priority now, casting anything else aside and out of the window, almost as if the blonde had not only overtaken his heart but also his mind, something that could be dangerous in its very own regard. Surely, Yujin would find the ability to come up with something and conjure an idea of the Richard he remembered, to retain all the new memories he made - like this one, of both of them playfully tossing and turning, almost like two wolf cubs, play-fighting over something. Unfortunately for them, it was nowhere near as innocent, and yet, their little kisses weren't anything aside from naivety, charged with emotion, but no desperation in sight - Yujin enjoyed holding Richard close, even if it wasn't within his arms, pulling him closer and closer for a kiss, only to let go eventually so they could change up their pattern. While they were at it, however, unable to stop fooling around and sheepishly pecking at one anothers lips, Yujin took the opportunity to close the curtains around them, as soon as he was able to grab one of them; nobody needed to see, and while the crackling fire couldn't cast any more warm shadows like this, this felt much nicer and much more secure, like a little tent. "You didn't be.", he hushed Richard with another kiss, all sweet and somewhat quick. "I have to make some progress, somewhere."

For now, he willfully ignored the small headache he'd conjured upon himself, wondering if it was but a side-effect from not taking the medicine and there'd been something wrong with his head, first and foremost, or if he was slowly losing it all instead and the sudden symptoms weren't related to his little accident. "You're ... right.", he spoke, in between kisses, his mind muddled and his voice hushed, concerned about anyone hearing too much and listening in, but what were the possibilities anyway? No, even if there was someone, it didn't matter - Yujin rather focused on Richard, who lay next to him now, and whom he'd put his arms around, keeping him suspiciously close to his own body, and stealing one kiss after the other. A long afternoon, this was all this would be, but maybe they'd drift off at some point - it wouldn't be anything out of the ordinary for them, not when the slender, warm body lay between his hands and came so close, his breath made Yujins skin tingle and his hair stand on end, pulling him back into reality for a moment, just for him to drown himself in all the love again. "I wonder if any of this would have happened if you ...", he whispered, more to himself than Richard, never finishing that sentence in particular, as he swallowed deeply when his fellow wolf fumbled with the cloth around his neck and Yujin was awestruck at the sight of a scar that seemed so real, so familiar to those two blue orbs of his, he couldn't help but wonder why the bodily impulses remained when all memories were long cast aside. "Would you like to carve something?", he asked, acting like he didn't know what Richard was after. Yujin kissed his lips first, then the corner of his mouth, trailing downward soon thereafter, to a splotch of marred skin. "I will, but I'll bring some gloves, too - just to be sure." Richard didn't need any more scars - avoidable ones at that, actually, and Yujin hoped that, whatever his beloved was getting himself into, he wasn't forcing himself to do it. Did that matter? With Richard, it seemed as if he didn't have to worry, which also meant he started kissing the scar on his throat, all of it, and only occasionally coming back up for another kiss from the blonde himself. "Is there ... something else you'd like, too? Like paint?"

The long lasting soft kisses were Richards favorites. The ones in-between which he needed to find time to swallow, the ones during which he had time to think about what he should be doing with his hands or what Yujin did with his. Occasionally they brushed over Yujins cheeks, or they buried themselves in black silky hair. Sometimes they held onto the princes shoulder or rested on the back of his neck. They never did anything quite like that before, they always escalated quickly, but they didn't need to, did they? This was feeling great and Richard felt comfortable with it, gladly. Maybe Yujin wouldn't get bored with him after all. The prince held Richard close, it was easy for him to wrap his arms around the blondes thin body. Cuddling was nothing new, not at all and as always Richard sought the warm body of the Silessian prince to give him comfort and some of that warmth too. Both of their hair was still wet from the bath and so was the mattress and blanket they lay on, after rolling around it for a while and sometimes Richard wondered how the ended up in one position when they started somewhere completely different.

Eventually Yujin closed the curtains around them, even though the guest wing was seldomly frequented anyway. It was nice though, it reminded Richard of their little trip when they slept in a tent for two nights. It hadn't been the easiest nights, but it had been a good trip and Richard had been truly nice to Yujin for once. "If I...?", Richard asked about the end of Yujins sentence he so promptly ended without finishing it. Richard wondered if he did something wrong when he exposed his neck and Yujin stared at it for a moment, but it didn't seem like it, maybe he remembered something. "Mm-mm.", Richard answered, muffled by a kiss, followed by Yujin trailing downwards with his lips. Richard let out a pleased sigh and turned his head so Yujin had easer access to his neck. The nerves under the burnt skin still acted up, but that didn't mean it felt bad to be kissed there and he got so used to it the first time around here. H enjoyed the tender attention he got and his body loosened up. "I don't know yet...", he answered mumbling. Colors were important in Thria, but Richard almost knew nothing about them. Was he supposed to use red? He'd figure it out later... maybe after a trip to the library... then again he wasn't able to read most of the books there.

Lying wasn’t right and in theory, he wasn’t doing anything of that - but theory was, without a doubt, nothing to fool around with. Yujin didn’t care for all the things that he should be doing instead of sharing a bed with another man - someone that he, officially, hadn’t had much of a relationship with, up until this point - and yet, he was pushing all the buttons, forcing both of them to do more, to go further than that; he couldn’t help himself, as if he’d slipped into some kind of trance, unable to form coherent thoughts when he searched for the pale, cold skin that made his own so very warm. Often enough, he fumbled with the clothes of the tinier one of the two - he’d love to hold him close, to get his hands on the skin below all those layers of fabric. Like this, they’d only get everything wet, not just those clothes of theirs and their hair, but also their pillows and blankets below. “If I could have made you stay. Or … if I’d have been able to leave with you.”, Yujin admitted soon enough, finishing that painful sentence from before. This here was lovely, much more than he deserved, and yet, he knew that he could just kiss Richards lips and throat all day long.

“Mhm?”, he crooned, interested in the little affirming noise that the blonde had just made - but it wasn’t much more than words muffled by a kiss as a pair of hands was looking for someplace to be, combing blonde strands of hair out of that sweet face of his, sinking said hands into Richards hair, letting his fingers trail down his shoulders, to his arms, and then firmly grabbing his hands. They weren’t good at sitting still, and every single time that Yujin switched from kissing the scar that he, somehow, vividly remembered, back to using and somewhat abusing Richards soft lips, he wondered how many more kisses he could demand. Wasn’t that reminiscent of something? They were alone in their own, homemade darkness and the wolf wondered how well their curtains held up with shielding them from the outside, from all the eyes that couldn’t get into their room in the first place - it felt cozier, safer and secure here, all of a sudden. “It’s fine.”, he assured the blonde, before pulling back a bit and grabbing that hand of his that he held in his own, bringing it up to his lips and kissing downward from the palm of Richards hand, rolling up those annoying sleeves. “A thousand kisses.”, he suddenly blurted out. A thousand would be near impossible, but even then, he could only make attempts at doing all of that. “Would you like that?”

Yujin grew more eager, his hands were trailing over Richards body, occasionally finding their way onto his skin on certain exposed parts. His clothes were fumbled with and brushed to the side a bit, for a touch or two. Richard wasn't sure what to think of Yujins new advances, but then again they had kissed for quite some while, getting to a halt in the process and maybe Yujin wanted to know how to proceed further. Richard wasn't sure however. He didn't ant to go too far, even though Yujin saw every scar on his body multiple times already. That wasn't the issue, was it? No, instead, while trying to find a solid reason to tell Yujin to take it slow, he found himself in memories of his own he rather had forgotten and even though this situation was nothing like it, he thought of that moment when he first woke up in that with candlelight lit room they always brought him to tend to his wounds oddly soft and comforting. Where Aramis waited to gift Richard some encouraging words and some medicine that made the pain go away and let him sleep.

Richard didn't want to think about that and he tried to get rid of those thoughts by indulging Yujin and concentrating on those kisses on his neck and mouth. When he opened his eyes to look at Yujin, to affirm where he was, he instead noticed that the curtains dimmed the burning fires light and that there was no window. He was well aware that the missing window was just on the other side of the curtain and that there also was a door he could walk out of whenever he wanted and yet he felt dick all of a sudden. Yujin hadn't noticed yet, grabbed Richards arm to roll up his sleeve and kiss his hand, both of which he suddenly held. Richard pulled both of them back and out of Yujins grip rather quickly, then he placed one of them on Yujins chest to keep him at a distance. "Ngh... I...I'm sorry...", Richard let out gritting his teeth. He was angry with himself, Yujin did nothing wrong. "I... I think I need a break..."

Did he yearn for Richard or was it some part, deep within him, that knew better than anyone that he was just running after his own, fragmented memories that stopped making sense at some point? He wasn’t sure, but he held onto the blondes tender form now, not at all reminiscent of the person he used to be - and he fell for him, head over heels, all over again. Yujin should have known that Richard wanted to take it slow, that they had to take their time, despite the fact that it wouldn’t halt for them; and if it took years to get that close again, he’d have to accept that. But now? Yujin didn’t know if he could, and worse, he wasn’t sure if all that he did was anything good - he wanted more than he was given, grabbed a hand when offered a pinky, and he was faced sith repercussions when he felt those hands slip out of his grip, one not tight at all, but maybe somewhat forceful when he had grabbed after Richard, without taking into consideration that the blonde was - despite all of his doubts - not going anywhere, not anytime soon, and that he wasn’t a fragile mirage, cooked up by his muddled up mind, that yearned for a bird without wings, for someone that couldn’t leave him again, by disappearing out of his grasp.

A huff left his lips, then he shook his head, the gesture was soft, despite the fact that disappointment was settling in his very bones and Yujin couldn’t pinpoint what it was that he had done wrong - after all, Richard had enjoyed it all, up until this point. The prince gulped, figuring he’d overdone it, and removed himself entirely, seating himself on the other side of the bed, pulling on the curtains and opening them - he needed some air, even if it hardly changed anything, and maybe Richard didn’t like the curtains closed. “No need to be, I overdid it.”, he mumbled, still smiling, still looking at Richard and not letting him have the benefit of the doubt. Yujin was to blame, no one else, and if kissing wasn’t something that Richard could do after all, that didn’t matter much - they had plenty of time to get where they ought to be. “It’s a lot at once, please, you can take as many breaks as you want. Just let me know.”, Yujin assured Richard, before slipping out of the bed for a second and walking over to the nightstand, grabbing his own diaries that they had left there, out in the open. “Do you need anything? Should I open a window? Or do you want something to drink? A fresh set of clothes?”, Yujin asked, seating himself back on the edge of the bed. “It’s alright, no need to make that face.”

Yujin backed off pretty fast and Richard felt bad, but he sat up himself, shutting his eyes and putting his hand on his forehead as he developed a headache. The curtain was lifted and there was actual daylight, but Richard rather searched for something inside himself, something calm maybe, a good memory or something. Now that he had that picture of him back in that room and Aramis by his side like a father or nurse or something in between, he didn't get it out again. He had to think about those sweet words he spouted, words Richard didn't accept, but also didn't contest back then, because he mostly had been waking up from a round of torture that made him fall unconcious. They never stopped before that happened. Even at the first day he ended up there, cold bandages on his back to ease the pain from the whip that hit him time and time again, he had been to beat and too tired to bark or even bite at that man and Richard noticed once more how weak he had been and still was. How did he choose him over Nayantai? Why did he give up back then and at the worst possible moment too.

Richard couldn't stop thinking about Aramis and the lies he spouted in that room. The only pleasentries Richard had received had been lies the duke spouted to further his own selfish gains and Richards brain weirdly rewired this to his current situation, as if anything nice that happened to him was based on lies and deceit so someone could take advantage of him. Yujin didn't lie, he loved Richard, he didn't intend to manipulate him and yet Richard couldn't shake off that feeling. He felt weak, so incredibly weak for not being in control of his thoughts and feelings and for giving up down there, for letting Aramis win even now. If he thought too hard about it he could recall the feelings he had down there, the moment he realized that he was alone, that everyone he looked up to was dead or at least not more than a living corpse in Nayantais case. He had been angry at his fathers for not protecting him and even at Dayan for just leaving him and he wondered how and why he should go on when Nayantai had already given up and the rest of his family was dead. had he known Dayan was alive, maybe he would have held onto his pride and sanity a bit longer in the hopes to be saved, but he didn't know, his reality had been that he was all alone and the only way to escape had been to give himself up to Aramis and whatever he had planned. Richard gritted his teeth and pressed his hand harder down on his forehead, covering his eyes, but he didn't cry. When Yujins voice finally reached him he just shook his head and tried to collect himself somehow. Actually no, he wanted to be alone for just ten or fifteen minutes. "Some tea...?", he mumbled therefor, because he knew it would take a while to be ready and Yujin would be occupied a bit. Once he came back maybe Richard had calmed himself down.

Once Yujin had left his room Richard got up, pretty much stormed to the window and teared it open. As opposed to Yujins window he didn't directly look onto the sea, but more to the vast icy field behind the castle, yet if he turned his head he still saw the waves crashing against the cliff this castle stood upon. Richard needed some air, he needed the cold, which was odd, but he hoped it would clear up his head. He actually thought about jumping into the sea, he imagined it, not to necessarily kill himself, he felt like the icy current and the tearing of the waves would finally wake him up and to get there faster he imagined just jumping out of that damn window, knowing very well that it was too high to do that. His mind focused on that thought as if it was keeping him sane having the most insane thoughts. He tried to convince himself that he didn't want to jump, or at least not die doing so, but he wasn't sure if he succeeded. What he wanted more than anything however was Nayantais advice. He wanted to ask him how he was supposed to live past this, but he had his own problems, because Richard dragged him back into a hell he never wanted to be in again.

Richard grabbed the window frame, one hand on the left and one on the right as the wind slapped into his face, messed up his hair and found it's way under Richards clothing. He didn't feel hot, but he also didn't feel cold and he once more looked at the height he was at and the ground below. He wanted to tear off his clothes for some reason and then he wondered if it would make a better picture if he instead spread out on the floor, his hair and clothes soaked up in blood. No, he didn't want to die, why did he imagine those things then? Why didn't he instead imagine how he bashed Aramis face in... Lucien kind of took it from him to pay back what he endured, to finalize this chapter in his live and now he wondered if he should just use the red haired devil as a replacement and... why was he like this? He turned around and stopped looking at the ground and the cliff. Then he closed his eyes to stop looking at the floor. He sat down, the ice cooled his back and his legs and then he hit his head against the wall behind him, just once. He exhaled, upset about being unable to be happy, upset about sending Yujin away and upset about being weak. He grinded his teeth so hard it hurt and then once more he hit his head against the wall behind him, as if it knocked out any thoughts or pictures he might have had in there. He didn't know what would help him as he dug his own nails into the skin on his arms, holding them close to his body. He opened his eyes again seemingly searching for answers at the ceiling, but there was nothing. Only eventually a knock and Yujins voice. Richard didn't want to be hugged, he didn't want to talk and he didn't want Yujin to look at him. Richard had one stupid idea after the other and he almost asked Yujin to bring Shuren here, so he could ask him for help, for that stuff Yujin got to forget, maybe he should just steal it from him, but no. Instead he uttered a "Yes.", but he didn't get up from the floor when Yujin came in. Richard hadn't cried which was odd, though he wasn't sure if it was for better or for worse. He closed his eyes again once Yujin stepped inside. He didn't care about that tea, or getting up and he certainly didn't want to be touched. He just wanted his thoughts to simply stop.

Richard didn't look at the tea or the buicits coming his way, but he had been wrong in claiming that he wanted to be alone, because even though Yujin was hesitant, Richard was glad he tried to pull him back up. Cards wasn't what Richard wanted though and for a while he said nothing, nothing at all. He wondered how he'd feel better and what it took to be able to get close to Yujin, it wasn't his fault. He did nothing to remind Richard of what had happened, of his hell, everthing could do that, at least he believed that was true. What made him more upset was the fact that he made Yujin feel bad and that he was unable to be a boyfriend to him, so any hopes he might have had to marry him someday were gone. maybe those plans had been premature from the very start anyway and Richard started to believe that happiness was not meant for him. Maybe he already died and this was his hell, maybe that was all there was to it and he was sure that it could still get worse.

"No.", Richard finally said. "It's not your fault." He looked up, only to be able to find Yujins hand and reach for it. He took it in his own hands ho he rested on his knees and then he rested his forehead softly on Yujins warm hand. H closed his eyes again, just sitting there with nothing more than Yujins hand, he didn't want anything more. He wanted to give him so much, none of it was possible. Falling on his knees before him felt impossible, even undressing did. he new it wasn#t all that was to a relationship, but it was expected at least sometimes. For a while he just sat there without moving and Yujin managed to blow all those stupid thought away. About jumping, about that medicine, about simply forcing himself to offer himself up to Yujin and the thoughts about getting so damn wasted, that Yujin could simply do whatever he pleased with Richard. Though tempting, none of these options were any good, were they now? "Read to me...?", he asked, still not letting go of Yujin, just a bit longer. Only after another minute he softly let go and got up, avoiding any eye contact and keeping some distance as he shuffled back to his bed and crawled inside.

Yujin had made an attempt just now, to fix what he had broken off and ruined in the first place, and yet, Richard wasn't willing to take any of it, it seemed. Not only was he making stupid attempts that turned out to be all for naught, he also realized that none of this had to happen - Yujin was only delusional enough to protect Richard, he actually didn't have an ounce of strength in that body of his, but even then, he wanted to try and make all of this more endurable for the two of them, until Richard could pick his own destiny, all by himself, and wouldn't feel tied down and bound to someone like him, that knew no past or future, in a solemn land like Silesse. For now, Richard was here to heal, and with that, Yujin wanted to help - but even then, he was mainly done with his task, having dark clouds fog up his initial thoughts; not only was it wrong to force Richard to do something he didn't want, it also was wrong to expect him to just open up like that. The prince wanted to dial back a bit, hoping he'd find solace in a world without him, too, but even then, Richard was full of surprises - and he continued to baffle the blue-eyed idiot that sat in front of him, as soon as he took that hand of his for himself.

None of the food seemed appetizing to Richard, it had been obvious from the very start, but even when he had fresh biscuits in front of him, he apparently prefered Yujin, in some kind of interesting, weird way that made little sense. Or did it? A mountain of questions had formed in Yujins head, yet his expression softened as he watched Richard hold that hand of his and try to remember something else, at least it seemed that way, and the words themselves were, combined with said gesture, more than reassuring. "I'm happy to hear that.", he whispered, but even then, he wasn't sure if he could believe Richard, who'd lost his marbles because of him and the notion that yes, there was more to kissing, there was more to all the praise and worship Yujin had for the blonde, and it seemingly terrified him. Was physical touch any good for him? The hugs helped, as it seemed - Yujin was unable to discern anything beyond that, searching for any other excuse that might allow him to touch the pale skin that he had sought out - none of them had been of any use and continued to strain their relationship. The wolf, too, mulled in silence, leaving his hand to Richard, who eventually abandoned it and got back on his feet, not sparing Yujin another look - or any at all - and going back to bed. "What would you like me to read? My diary? Or do you want me to go get a book?", he asked, going back to bed himself, but even then, he sat down on the edge of it, avoiding anything that would make Richard uncomfortable - being close seemed one of those things right now. "Uh, I could sit over there if you'd like that, actually!", he pointed out as he got back up to bring both the tea and biscuits to bed, settling them on Richards nightstand, pointing at a chair on the other side of the room.

Richard crawled underneath his blanket, under more than one, every singel blanket in fact. He wasn't cold, well he was, but that wasn't why he crawled down there, instead he just wanted to hide and feel protected by something surrounding him. He lay there on the very corner of his bed, his back turned towards the door and eventually only his nose peaked out of the heap of blankets. He didn't feel like crying and he was more angry than sad or upset. He wasn't sure what he prefered. Being alone, knowing that he would never allow himself to truly feel or let anyone close and pushing people away before they could get near him, or being a miserable and sad waste of space who, even if he wanted to, couldn't get past all that happened and couldn't let anyone near him in a more physical than emotional sense. He had been lonely and he still was, neither was he allowed to have his brain fucked out without any strings attached, nor was he able to love someone and care for them. His whole existence felt unnecessary at this point.

"Whatever you want... and in bed is fine...", he answered Yujins questions, pulling his knees up and curling up into egg shape. He closed his eyes too, pressing them shut and wiping away one single tear, before burrying himself deeper into the blankets. He felt like a child and he didn't know what to do, but at least those stupid thoughts that went in all kind of directions were gone now. "I'm sorry Yujin...", he eventually expressed with a sigh. "I want to be close to you. I want to, I really do... you did nothing wrong." Was that how Nayantai felt too when he got visited by his children? it was probably worse for him. "Can you... make sure those letters get sent...? Put some of your medicine in the one for my brother...yes?" First and foremost he wanted to hear from Nayantai however. He wanted to communicate with him even if it took a month or more to get an answer... "I'm sorry Yujin... I'll do better... Please be patient with me..."

Defeat had many forms and showed itself in many ways - taking that into account, he wondered if there was any way to hell Richard, to make him see the world for what it was and to force him to realize that he was out of harms way, possibly safer than anywhere else, but even then, he was haunted by remnants of the past, by beings that never slept and Yujin was one of them, most likely, or at the very least the person that he once had been was, looming over Richard just like anyone else that he tried to recall from time to time. Was that why he was losing his mind over the little things, ready to jump out of his skin and crawl somewhere else, where none of this mattered? For once, the wolf had no answer - he got up to close the window, to bar the cold from seeping even further into the ice that surrounded them, and then he sat back down on the bed. “I just don’t want to disturb you, I overdid it. I get it. And I figured keeping my distance from now on would help, but if that isn’t what you want, I won’t go anywhere.” He’d write a letter himself, a lengthy one, to Yin and her parents, and he’d not ask Shuren for permission to send it - if anything, this was the last straw and if Richard reacted like this because of a well-meant gesture, Yujin didn’t want to know what a lie would do.

Richard had long since curled up under all those blankets they had, heavy and warm, maybe even comforting, and Yujin made an effort to extend his hand and a stroke over it, almost as if the layers of wool and fabric wouldn’t count as him touching to much. The fire flickered and casted a shadow on the little heap, the bump in the fabric, that Richard was - all alone and solemn, searching for someplace that he felt comforted by. It made Yujin smile and he softly patted all of what lay atop of Richard, before removing his hand. “It’s fine.”, he once more spoke, softening up again and casting those doubts of his aside, most of them at the very least. “It’s not easy, I understand. You can take your time, I’ll be there for you - I’m not mad, or disappointed. However, I did feel bad and thought I hurt you, and that’s the last thing I want.” There it was: A short elaboration on something that he should have said before, that conveyed most of his thought process, one that seemed so utterly complicated, Yujin doubted that Richard would have understood it any other way - and in the end, Yujin didn’t understand himself, either. “Mhm, I can do that. If you want to, I can go right now … or do you want me to read something first?” He’d just pull away during the night, but even then, he stayed put for a second. “I’ll slip the letters past my father, then.”, he confirmed, regarding that medicine of his. But why would Richards brother need that? No, he didn’t need any explanations in that regard. “It’s not your fault, you don’t have to do better in that regard, and I’ll never not be patient with you. No scar heals overnight, and besides, it doesn’t change my feelings for you in the slightest. It’ll get better eventually, we’ll just take it one step at a time from now on, yes?”, he wanted to know, before grabbing one of his diaries, one that might not include much or anything about Richard in the first place, before he started to skim through the pages, only to start reading those silly entries of his - none of these very particularly important, but they all sounded giddy and sweet, naive even, as if that Yujin, right there on all those pages, didn’t know anything about the horrors of life just yet.

"N-no... I don't want you to go away, I...", Richard uttered, that was the last thing he wanted, he just wanted to be alone for a view minutes to let everything out and not be a complete nutcase around Yujin. God, he truly thought about jumping, but not when Yujin was around, he felt bad for his thoughts now, after all he didn't want to hurt Yujin. Dying would hurt him. "I love you... I mean it...", he added to reassure Yujin. it had nothing to do with him, Richard simply couldn't control his thoughts all the time and sometimes things like that happened for no apparent reason. he had the same when he once took a bath alone, it was nothing Yujin did. It never would be, he knew that he only wanted the best for him. Just as he remained here now, sat down and took something, a dirary or a book to open it up and do what Richard had requested of him. he enjoyed the little pats he almost didn't feel through the blanket and he eventually crawled closer, bumping his head against Yujins leg. He lay there sideways in his bed, only touching the leg with his head and still cuddled up in his blankets.

"Letters later is okay...", he mumbled, knowing that that wasn't really a sentence, but he didn't care, he gave up on talking again and rather nodded and shook his head again. He didn't need to talk for a whole month, he could go back to that again. So he responded with lots of nods, knowing that Yujin would always tell him he was fine with how Richard behaved and the time he needed. And then he listened to Yujin read some silly stories from his diary, innocent ones that were fun and a little quirky. Richard enjoyed it, closed his eyes and eventually fell asleep.

He woke up sometime during evening to quickly eat something, but the day had been exhausting and he went back to sleep again. The cuddling was less than before, but during the night Richard fled back into Yujins arms after having a nightmare and at the next morning they still cuddled. Richard woke up, normally at that and he seemed to be first at that. Yujin was still asleep and he looked incredibly cute. The blonde wasn't sure what to do with himself, so he grabbed the diary Yujin had read yesterday, noticing that his letters were gone. Yujin must have sent them while Richard was asleep. The diary still in his hands he opened it up. He didn't mean to pry, instaed he studied the letters, trying to make sense of them, especially when he thought he found the passages Yujin read yesterday and thus he knew what was written there. He'd need some help with that, but he'd have time to learn something, it occupied him in fact. Yujin still slept after a while and Richard, deafeated by the Thrian letters, put the book away again and instead lay back down to watch Yujin a bit. He brushed some black strands of hair out of his face and watched Yujin wiggle with his nose as a very cute reaction and after more and more minutes of Yujin simply sleeping and Richard slowly getting bored, he creeped closer and eventually softly bit into Yujins neck, seeing if that would wake him up.

Nothing much happened afterwards - the day wasn't over yet, but he, too, felt exhausted and it didn't help that Richard was unwilling to use his voice once more, falling back into silence and ignoring both biscuits and tea. Eventually, the blonde drifted off, with his head on Yujins leg and him softly carressing his hair from time to time - and at some point, when he'd made sure that Richard had fallen asleep completely, he'd gotten up and taken care of the letters, settling Richard in bed by his lonesome but leaving behind some layers of clothing to hug, in case he needed or wanted them. In all seriousness, however, Yujin couldn't help but hate himself for the love that he received - for the spoken word that, if anything, affirmed Richards love, and he hated himself for even considering, for a fleeting moment, that anything about that had changed. Nothing did, nothing ever had or would, and he was painfully aware of that when he wrote his letter, before sealing it up, all neat and with an official wax seal, before slipping the requested medicine in the envelope meant for Dayan, which he - too - sealed alongside the remaining letter. Yujin checked on Richard, who still seemed to be asleep, before bailing out of the castle and making his way to the harbor, which wasn't far from here. Once he returned, he cast aside the outermost robe and slipped back into bed with Richard, leaving him ample of space.

Sometime during the night, however, someone had found his way into his arms and while the shifting and turning woke him up almost all the time, Yujin fell back asleep as soon as it stopped and appreciated the silence that followed and the fact that, despite everything, Richard didn't have a horrid night for once; something he'd wished the blonde had had long ago. However persistent those nightmares were, however, they seemed to leave both of them alone for just one prolonged night, even if Yujin woke up sometimes, taking a doubletake at the sky outside, trying to discern how late it was. Whenever he found time, he read some more about himself, not aloud, but to himself, but before he knew it, he'd cast the book aside and back on the nightstand and had fallen asleep himself, cuddling up to that beloved bundle of his, who seemingly was more in love with a variety of blankets that made him feel secure and warm. Yujin, quite on the contrary this time, slept in - his dreams were a jumbly mess, not a bed one but an irrational one, and while those types of dreams were bound to fill anyone with dread, that didn't seem to be the case for him. No, Yujin wholly enjoyed the warmth that he was offered, and the trip he went on with the Richard in his dreams, amidst a vast, snowy expanse, trying to climb a small mountain, or whatever it was. They were holding hands, like they always did, but a sudden impulse of pain - not a sharp one, and yet unexpected - pulled him out of his dreams. Yujin made a disgruntled noise. "I have ... to ... reach ...", he yawned, eyes still closed - he was still very much asleep, though, a sudden second impulse - whatever it was real or not - woke him up. His eyes fluttered open, and his eyelids felt heavy from all the sleeping; he still felt tired and yawned, questioning what had happened - only to find the culprit nibbling on his neck. "Ow ...", he whined, but if anything, it sounded fake and exaggerated. "Not fair ..."

When Yujin made a noise Richard slowly backed away and left the scene of the crime, but Yujin already whined about it a bit and Richard had a somewhat impish smile on his lips. "I was bored...", he replied, then cuddled back up and burried his noce at Yujins neck, without any teeth this time. Then however he stopped and backed away again. "I...I'm sorry, I didn't mean to... confuse you or send mixed signals though." Upon realizing what he had just done, maybe that was the case and he wasn't sure if it was smart to encourage Yujin on one hand only to send him away when he acted the same. Richard wasn't sure about his own feelings and what he could and couldn't do. he sat up for now, still looking at Yujin ans stretching his own back. Then he spotted the untouched buiscits, not sure if he even was allowed to eat them, but he grabbed one and stuffed it into Yujins mouth. He was allowed to that was for sure, so here he got one as his breakfast while Richard smiled at him, seemingly in a good mood. He had slept well after all.

Despite Yujin not being quite awake, Richard didn't want to wait for him waking up anymore and thus he started talking. "You know... I thought I might want to learn to read Thrian. Would you help me?", he asked looking at the stack of books he couldn't read once more. Neither the diaries, not other books and the library was useless like that at well, he might as well just learn it and he had nothing much else to do, especially when he maybe finally got some energy back from eating more. "And I'd like to learn the Silessian accent.", They couldn't always play cards and Yujin didn't always need to read for Richard, even though it seemed like he enjoyed doing it. Still, Richard wanted to do better and for that maybe he had to stop wasting away in his bed all the time. He wanted to make an effort at least. "Also..." Yes he wasn't done yet, this morning he seemed full of energy, he woke up on his own, because he wasn't tired anymore, that never happened since he left that dungeon, maybe it didn't even happen since before his fathers death. "... I thought while you train, I will stroll around the courtyard a bit while watching. It's my form of training, yes?"