sinbound. [Akira & Earinor] [ENG]

    • A small laughter left Caelans lips, but it also was a little bit awkward, since he couldn't really relate to the feeling Ronan described and he wasn't sure if all those girls really felt the same. Caelan didn't make them feel like that on purpose, if he did. "That almost sounds like I'm enchanting everyone around me by just being there, I think you give me too much credit.", he said, drawing small circles on Ronans skin. He wasn't bad looking, that one was for sure and his confidence helped with looking generally good probably, but feeling loved for only seeing him? That was a little bit too much credit. Sure Ronan had a crush on him and so did some girls, but feeling loved? That went too far if he was talking about the time he hadn't even spoken to him yet. Now was a different story and he was glad if he was able to uphold that warm feeling inside of his boyfriend. "If you say it that way, yes I guess you own me.", Caelan smiled and pressed a short kiss on Ronans shoulder, or at least he tried, this didn't work out quite well for now, but it was going to get better. It probably also didn't feel as good with his lips being as dry as they were, well he'd not kiss anybody for now, he decided. "It's still fun imagining me as just a peasant and you owning me for real."

      "Well I don't feel very handsome right now, so maybe draw me prior to our fight.", he chuckled, the bandage probably didn't look that good if Ronan painted him like that. "But you didn't answer my million other questions!", he pointed out, though it wasn't of importance anyway. He'd see how Ronan would draw and he probably only did a sketch and not a full grown painting, that would be a little too much and hard to explain. "No sleeping now, we just woke up maybe an hour ago.", Caelan chuckled, twenty or so minutes were enough time to relax and they should finish up, before the water got cold. Caelan loved Ronan close by him, he loved cuddling with him, but they'd have plenty of time for that... right? For now he watched Ronan sink his hands into the water and as he moved up, grabbed him above his hurt wrist. "Will your wounds be okay?", he asked a tad bit worried, but he already knew, that Ronan wouldn't let himself be stopped, so Caelan let go again. They were both hurt and here Caelan was, having made this all about himself, without thinking about Ronan who carried the trays of food, or dipped his wounds into the water now just for him. Caelan felt bad for it. "You don't have to do this, I can do it myself. I'll be careful not to get the bandages wet.", he mumbled and let his gaze wander over Ronan, only to remind himself that he rather should look into Ronans eyes right now.

    • "Am I? Are you sure you aren't good at enchanting everyone and everything by simply existing? After all, it's enough to attract multiple to you and even more than those, simply by existing and being there - by drawing their attention towards you." Caelan wasn't doing anything to warrant all that, he simply kept on existing and did nothing more than that. What was the truth, if not that he spent a variety of time, cooped up in here, with the thoughts that haunted him about that boyfriend of his? Coincidentally, he felt like he wasn't spending enough time with him, but at the same time, he hadn't given up the chance to be with him at any point in the last few days. Was he really, truly not spending enough time with his beloved or was it merely a hoax, made up by none other than himself and his constantly overthinking brain? What if he enjoyed being with the blonde more than he should, but ... what if Caelan didn't? This thought alone was getting as ridiculous as it could be, was it not? "Does that mean I win?", he chuckled, knowing fully that this hadn't been a contest to begin with. What had it been, if not an effort to die trying? "Would you like to be owned by me for real, then? I'm sure I can make up an excuse why you can't come home, like an infection that killed you and then go on about how I'm terribly sorry."

      "And what if it's gonna leave a scar? As if I care, Caelan. In the end, it just serves as a reminder that you were brave enough to try and go against me", the young noble said. This also meant that, whenever he saw Caelan from now on, there'd be a reminder on the blondes face - a scar, unsightly and right in his otherwise handsome face, that told him he'd fucked up - but Ronan didn't mind, it was fine to draw a conclusion like that. To him, it didn't matter how the blonde looked - he was dashing regardless. "What other questions?", he feigned ignorance and grinned at him, positively amused. "I know, I'm still tired though, but can you blame me? I'm enveloped by warm water and a handsome, strong boyfriend that's keeping me save." This was getting too cheesy on his part, wasn't it? Now, he'd simply focus on washing Caelans hair, even if he'd have to shift around a bit for that. Taken aback by the sudden grab, he stopped his efforts for a second. "Don't be silly, they're healing well, so I'm fine - no need to worry", he should have taken the now-wet bandages off beforehand, but as soon as Caelan let go, he started trickling some of the water onto the blone hair, careful to get it nowhere near the bandages. "Caelan, I can see your face better than you do, so it's better if I do it, alright? Besides, I'm feeling much better!" As if he wanted to prove it to the blonde, he silently took his hands away and started to take off his own bandages, dropping the scraps onto the floor outside of the tub. "See? They're much better already. And now let me wash your hair."
      Looking back, it maybe is like the toy carts you rode when you were a kid. But those toy carts could never go beyond the walls of the lawn. We want to follow the rugged concrete road beyond the wall. As we've grown, we've decided to leave behind the toy cart.

    • "I mean that sounds a little bit too much, even for someone like me.", he said, the words sounding overconfident, but he actually wasn't, actually he felt that he didn't live up to the praise he received there. He had an open personality and he mostly was in a good mood, additionally as he said, he didn't see a point in not giving someone he doesn't know a chance first, but was that and the tournaments people saw him participating in, enough to have girls and guys alike rallied around him to get his attention? He didn't receive that much to begin with, or did he? He wasn't even sure and he wasn't sure if what Ronan said in truth only applied to his boyfriend and no one else. Or maybe Caelan was just ignorant to the fact, that he had more than one fan following him around and waiting to be talked to, Ronan was just the one being lucky by that lake. "Win? Maybe over all those other people who want to own me, but since you also said I'm owning you, no one wins between us.", Caelan smiled, the bandage at his nose oddly visible in the corner of his eye all the time. Somehow he was a little bit annoyed by it. "And then? Where would you hide me? What would you tell your father? I doubt he'd keep me here as your pet, if he wanted to eradicate my bloodline, he'd just kill me as soon as my parents bought your act and without a body that will prove to be hard."

      Caelan had to chuckle and looked into Ronans eyes right after. "You're right, I'm probably the bravest person out there, because I tried to challenge you.", he answered and shook his head. "A scar doesn't bother me too much, but right now with or without those bandages, my face looks like a mess, doesn't it?" He still hasn't seen much of his face either way, he wasn't quite sure how bad it was but he was sure that the skin was still red and blue from the cut and the treatment that came after. Half his face was probably swollen and the skin barely held together by some string. He knew the wound was still bleeding a little bit, evident by the fact that when the pads were changed, they were bloody and it hurt when pulling them off because of the dried blood. "I wanted to know if I have to sit still.", Caelan repeated his question and poked Ronan into his side, partly because he played dumb and partly because he needed to stay awake. Caelan wasn't sure if he was able to keep anyone safe right now though. "The last days were all about me, but I completely forgot you're hurt too, let me worry.", he answered almost ashamed and lowered his head a little. He watched Ronan take off the bandages on his own wrists. It did look better and Caelan doubted Ronan would get his wound infected, not the one that got cauterized, but still, it probably hurt anyway. "I didn't think about you straining yourself too much if I asked you to bring me stuff, you haven't, right?", he asked again, but knew that Ronan would continue washing his hair and it was fine. Should he tilt his head forward, or backward to make it easier? "I'd love to just splash a handful of water in my face though... I feel like there's still blood all over under there and if not that then a lot of sweat..."

    • “Well, that’s ... true? Sort of? I mean, you still bring me joy.” Ronan sometimes wasn’t sure what he was blabbering about, when - on other occasions - he knew exactly what he wanted and how to get it. Wasn’t it depressing to sit here, in this bathtub, and enjoy the warmth that was around him, only for him to praise Caelan to the high heavens and do nothing else? Well, why exactly was he like that? Did he truly think that his boyfriend had to be praised like a puppy and if he liked what was said to him, he’d receive more from him in exchange? More of what anyway? They both already gave each other whatever they could and that wouldn’t stop anytime soon, Ronan knew as much and it seemed painfully obvious that - while their bond had already former - wouldn’t last like this, not forever anyway. “That’s ... right. We belong to each other, don’t we?”, he blurted out, scratching the back of his head for a second. This was, obviously, getting embarrassing, but there was no need to blush about something as stupid as that, no matter how he looked at it - this all was fine the way it was, even if sometimes it would be a hassle regardless. “I could just run away with you? Nobody would ever find out if I fake my own death and then let the supposed corpse disappear. We could just go ... somewhere.”

      Ronan had, officially, lost his mind if he actually considered a plan like that. The only thing that would work in that regard was suffering, or even worse, something he had to come up with somehow. Wasn’t it stupid to consider that he, of all people, loathed his life this much? “And then again, I don’t have any credit to my name. I’m usually not one for tournaments, it feels like torture to me when that many eyes are glued to me and watching my every step. I can’t stand it”, he swiftly explained as he cupped his hands around some water and rinsed it over Caelans hair, just to get the blonde tufts wet enough. “Frankly? You look like a mess but not because you’re injured. The bandage adds a layer of illusion and makes it look ten times worse than it actually is.” Therefore, getting this thing off would probably be priority number one, as soon as the doctor allowed it anyway. They couldn’t just judge something like that by themselves, especially at their age - and whatever Caelan messed up right now, he’d be punished for because the blonde couldn’t know any better in his dazed state. One poke later and a short yelp left his lips, just as his body tried to escape Caelans grasp. “No! You really don’t! If you let me sketch out a basic pose, you can get up and stir up trouble again! I won’t tie you to a damn chair for a painting, that’s for other things!”, Ronan remarked, almost embarrassed about his own words. Was this the thing he had to do, simply because he was reassuring his boyfriend or did it just feel appropriate in a situation like this? “Caelan, it’s fine. I cut open your face and did more damage than visible. On the other hand, I cut open my own wrists and if it hurts, that’s the punishment I deserve - this should be about you, not me, but thankfully they don’t hurt.” Sometimes, this was a lie, simply because sharp stings of pain still coursed through his body from time to time, but Ronan told himself that it was alright, simply because he believed this was the punishment he deserved for being selfish. “No, what gives you the idea?” Too many things that Caelan had already figured out and if he was honest, his wrists felt kind of sore. “I can’t take it off and I don’t want to rip it off if it’s stuck to your face, but you can ask the doctor when he changes your bandages, how about that? I’m sorry.” And thus, he just continued to rinse the blondes hair.
      Looking back, it maybe is like the toy carts you rode when you were a kid. But those toy carts could never go beyond the walls of the lawn. We want to follow the rugged concrete road beyond the wall. As we've grown, we've decided to leave behind the toy cart.

    • "And I'm happy that is the case. As long as I make you happy, I'm happy as well. You mean a lot to me, the most maybe even. I'm glad we both decided to make a halt by that lake.", Caelan smiled. Oh how would he had loved to kiss Ronan now, but he wasn't able to and it was depressing. Well, at least they were together still and he could look in those beautiful auburn eyes to tell him exactly how he felt. Ronan gave Caelan too much praise for that he didn't want to receive some himself. Caelan let his gaze wander downwards and eventually just looked into the water and on the place between them, eventually letting his fingers run like it needed to run like an actual human, over to Ronans knee. The finger-man climbed the knee and eventually started dancing there, drawing small shapes. Caelan looked up again smiling, his hand now completely lay down on Ronans knee, just having it lay there. "We do. You make me happy." Well most of the time at least. "Enough with that talk, you know we both have responsibilities. What about your country and your brother?", Caelan asked, his hand moving out of the water now only to let his finger tip against Ronans nose as if he was a child, he sure acted like one. Why did Caelan always have to be the grown up? That made no sense at all.

      "I just don't care about all those people watching me, I just like the fight, if I'd fight someone alone somewhere, the fun would be the same.", Caelan explained, but shook his head. "It doesn't matter though, you don't have to like it and you don't have to fight anymore, if you don't want to." Maybe Caelan shouldn't have forced him in the first place, maybe that was a mistake. But he did seem proud the day before the finale. "Other things, yeah? Is that a promise?", he chuckled, glad about the change of topic, they needn't talk about the tournament or the obvious wound on his face that looked like a mess and would continue to in the near future. As long as the bandaged couldn't stay off, he also wouldn't be able to eat with Ronans family, he didn't want to scare Ronans little brother away. "I just figured it might hurt if you carry something.", Caelan answered slowly, looking down again, he wasn't sure if Ronan was just playing the strong one. He also sighed, although he knew Ronan wouldn't take those bandages off. He let his head fall downward and let his forehead rest on Ronans shoulder. "I know I know... whatever your Doc says..."

    • "You're happy because I'm happy? Caelan, it might be ... best if you were not to do that. I'll end up making you sad one way or the other", he said, as truthfully as ever. Ronan did not want to disappoint, nor did he think it was a good idea to let someone like Caelan be this focused on him. It was as if they were toddlers, young children, unable to form any bonds with those around them and therefore, they clung to one another, even if that wasn't exactly the best idea. However, if one were to base love on something so fragile as one another, they'd eventually break, collapse in and on themselves, unable to keep going because their grief would be immeasurable. Eventually, one of them would die and the other would be left alone in this world, as horrible as it sounded, it was what one would call the truth. While they belonged to each other, fate sometimes had different ideas and therefore, there was nothing much one could do as soon as their ties had been severed. All those depressing thoughts, however, culminated in his eyes, wandering to where Caelans fingers danced across his skin, making him chuckle ever so slightly. "And you make me happy, happier than I thought I'd ever be." Otherwise, he'd have died alone, surrounded by nothing but impostors, wearing strangers faces. "I don't think my country and my happiness can co-exist. Either I become duke and die without ever having lived, or I give up my title and become someone I never should have been."

      Was this all that the world had in store for someone like him, hurting all over, simply because he couldn't return to whence he came from? As many of them said that it was dust to dust and ash to ash, he'd love nothing more than to not be himself, than to simply stop existing, fairly quickly if that was possible. "You are, without doubt, interested in fighting regardless - that's not something I like, but I shall humor your interests, Caelan", he chuckled, content with what he had. In the end, the blonde was his sunshine - something he didn't deserve in this gloomy life of his, was it not? "I'd prefer to never raise my hands against anyone again, but ... I'll have to, eventually. Whether because I want to get into a playfight with you or actually have to fend for my life." Happiness was optional, no matter where he went - it wasn't a prerequisite for his happiness, nor was it necessary to make him feel something, anything - he was fine, as long as he had the blonde by his side and if he didn't, he'd not be fine - and now he was the one basing his emotions on Caelans availability. "I still have a wish, so that's a promise. I'll tie you up and have my way with you, heed my words", he laughed, amused by the sheer fact - thrilled by the prospect of being in power once again. "It does, you're right, but ... it's not sharp pain, it doesn't make my wounds bleed and I have to start healing somewhere, somehow, so don't worry, will you?", a sincere smile spread across his face. Hurting was part of healing, wasn't it? "Now now, don't get depressed", he said, patting Caelans back. "Let me wash your hair properly and then we'll see, alright? Give it some more days and it will be fine to take this off."
      Looking back, it maybe is like the toy carts you rode when you were a kid. But those toy carts could never go beyond the walls of the lawn. We want to follow the rugged concrete road beyond the wall. As we've grown, we've decided to leave behind the toy cart.

    • "I didn't say I'm sad when you're sad, you know? Just that I'm happy when you're happy, so making you happy will be a priority, but not a necessity.", Caelan announced happily and shook his head. "I know a relationship is not all happy rainbows and flowers and I know your life - or mine for that matter - isn't either, it's fine to be sad, or angry at someone, even if it's eachother, but as long as there are more times we make each other happy than times we upset each other, that is more than enough for me, won't you agree?" Caelan smiled at Ronan and eventually brushed briefly over his cheek, even if that made Ronans face a little bit wet, they were in a bathtub, so this was fine, right? He saw that there was more to Ronans thoughts that what he had said out loud, but Caelan didn't want to press him and he wondered, if it was true, that he couldn't rule Alster as a happy person, in Caelans opinion his father was all that needed to leave. "I'm glad I do.", he smiled, trying to catch Ronans gaze. "And if I'm here helping you rule? Would that change anything? When we're older and only have to heed the kings words and no one else, wouldn't it make it easier for us to be together?"

      "You don't have to protect yourself either, because I'm here to protect you... well I will be in a few days or weeks, when I'm back on track.", he promised and threw a joke right after, simply because he felt the mood needed to change a little bit. Ronan wasn't one for fights, that was fine, he had Caelan to fight for him and he just needed to say a word to have the blonde go after someone, like he was some sort of dog. He just wasn't able to defend Ronan from himself in any game they might be playing. "You better learn how to tie a knot, or I'll just pull myself free.", Caelan chuckled for a brief moment, only to close his eyes right after, some movements still hurt. "Just don't overdo it, you seem to have a tendency to.", Caelan smiled, still not knowing Ronan very well, but it was an ongoing process. "It just annoys me, it was better when all I did was sleeping... it's itchy, but I can't scratch it and it feels gross.... well enough of that, there is no point in saying all that if I'm not able to change anything about it and you can't either. Tell me what to do, to make it easier for you to wash my hair... you know I could wash yours too, or rub your bag? I mean I can use my arms."

    • "So, I can count on you to be happy when I'm sad so I can be happy?", Ronan asked, as if he didn't already know the answer to this terribly stupid question. Caelan was the source of his happiness for now, and if he was honest, if it stayed like that, there was no way he'd complain about it anytime soon. "I agree with that sentiment, but I can't guarantee that I can always make you happy. Sometimes, I might disappoint you and as hard as it is, I want you to bear with me and my own stupidity if you can ... is that alright?" Now that they both declared all of this, it sounded stupid - but Ronan had to get it out, otherwise he thought he'd go insane, busy with hiding those feelings of his away. Sometimes, he couldn't help it, especially when an urge to stop all of this madness was overtaking him, when he felt like the closest thing to him in this cursed world was the abyss, the slow voices calling out to him to drag him in, to rope him into its schemes and to give up this flesh prison of his, simply to stop existing. He peered up from down below as he felt a hand on his cheek and found himself staring into the endlessly blue eyes that the blonde sported - at least he hadn't carved one of them out of his face. "You are? ... That's nice", he said, blushing and averting his gaze again. "It would, but ... we'd also be wedded to someone, we would have to have kids. I don't think it would ... work out."

      Was he getting sad about a future he had never thought about, never accounted for? He simply was aimlessly strolling through life, without a single thought glued to the day after tomorrow. Ronan felt stuck, bound to this hellscape he called his life - and the key to his freedom sat here, right in front of him, out of his grasp. "Don't stress yourself, I can protect myself until you've healed up. I ... did a decent job for the last few years anyway." Not necessarily, though - he still couldn't escape his father, but as long as he had someone like Caelan by his side, he didn't feel like he really needed to try and fight him off, as long as he could try and survive instead. "I know how to tie knots, multiple, I might add. I hope you're skilled enough to open them all up once I tie you into a miserable bundle", he announced, knowing well enough that he'd have to get Caelan to sit still for long enough and then, once he did, he'd just have to torture him a bit, it was as simple as that. "I know, I know, but I won't - I promise you, alright? Just let me care for you!" Ronan felt like he was the miserable one, but Caelan had it worse - this wasn't about him, this was about his boyfriend. "Let go of me for a second, I don't need anything else - just a bit of space to actually wash your hair. And after that ... I mean, if you want to wash my hair, I won't stop you. But its about as easy as tying my boots. Can you manage that?"
      Looking back, it maybe is like the toy carts you rode when you were a kid. But those toy carts could never go beyond the walls of the lawn. We want to follow the rugged concrete road beyond the wall. As we've grown, we've decided to leave behind the toy cart.

    • "I... guess?", Caelan answered with a chuckle, this was getting too complicated. The only thing he hated right now was the fact, that he couldn't laugh like he used to, he knew he was rather loud usually and that wasn't necessarily a good thing, but he missed laughing for fucks sake, what a stupid thought. "That's fine, I never expected you to always make me happy. I'm still here am I not? Even after a big fight.", he smiled, meaning it and looking into Ronans eyes. He was pretty sure that if someone ended this, it was Ronan who did it, not the blonde. He loved Ronan way too much, more than Ronan knew, more than he could explain. "I don't care about a wife of yours or of me, we'd meet, because we need to talk business in private somewhere. Those children those wifes, they can live without us for a while, for a few days or weeks. I'll meet you and we'll charge up energy by just being together, to manage to be apart for a while again. This is what we can do in our positions and it is enough for me, as long as you are still mine."

      The future was uncertain, but Caelan still planned with the notion that they's both become dukes some day. Then he had a wife he didn't love, so what? They'd always need to hide, but that was fine for him. "I can manage to protect you even now, promise." That was a lie, he wasn't even able to walk over here without breaking a sweat, but it would get better soon, right? "Oh, have you been a sailor in your previous life?", Caelan asked jokingly but shaking his head a little bit soon after. "I wish I was able to fulfill your wishes right now... I hate that stupid wound. Hey... you know what? Sending me home all alone even after this heals would be reckless right, maybe you ought to come with me and see to my safety? We can make a tiny detour for one night and..." Wasn't that a great idea? Even if Caelan was fine, being tied up here in this house was probably not the best idea, although as far as Caelan knew he was the only one residing in the guest wing anyway. "Fine...", he sighed and moved his head back up and gave Ronan space as he requested. "I guess I can manage... though I haven't washed anyones hair beside my own before."

    • "Then so be it!", he declared, happy about all of this - he could thrive off of someone elses happiness, especially if it was as infectuous as Caelans laughter, as his stupid jokes and remarks, as his bright smile. Somehow, some way, this all felt so surreal, so weird to him - and happiness felt as if it was further away from everything else that he'd ever grasped, simply because he couldn't always reach for his boyfriend, who was so far away, it almost hurt. "You are, you're not going anywhere ... not for long anyway. You're there for me, you're right", he said, taking his hand off of Caelan and letting it slide to his own neck, digging into the skin and the flesh at the back of it, still avoiding those blue marbles that were so hellbound on gazing onto him. Well, Caelan would always be there for him, no matter how much he tried to get rid of him - could he even do that? Ronan felt as if he himself had decided that, if anything, he'd have to cut ties with someone like him, to stop from hurting him. Something didn't sit right with him, not like this. "It's enough for you? I mean, if it's enough for you, it should be enough for me too, right?" Ronan knew well enough that it wouldn't be enough for him, that he had lost his mind already and that he absolutely hated the thought of having to share his boyfriend with anyone. Of course he'd grow up. become older, become someone else - and yet ...

      "I'd still rather run away with you and ditch all of this", he blurted out, knowing fully well that he sounded incredibly ridiculous. Not only did he call a man he barely even knew his boyfriend already, without formally asking him to go out with him, he also acted like he had never been in love - which he hadn't - and now was spouting idealistic nonsense. "I'd like to see you try. Sit back and relax, I can protect us both for the time being", he mumbled, still kind of feeling out of it - and soon swallowing it all down, just so that he wouldn't worry the blonde. "No, I just like to read - as some would say - a few fucked up books. If I had been a sailor in my previous life, I'd at least know what freedom tastes like", he chuckled, still kind of upset about all of this and soon shaking it off, peering up at the blonde again who was about to unveil his next masterplan. "I'm sorry for putting it there in the first place. But ... I mean, we could try, but I fear we won't be able to let go of one another, or will we? We could, um ... I could drag some rope to the masquerade instead?", he asked, his smile almost coy and shy, as he suggested something incredibly outlandish to Caelan. Well, nobody would look through his belongings except some servants and there always was some excuse he could dig out - not that he was going to go to the masquerade as Ronan of Alster, anyway. "Do you want to hug me again?", he asked, before he grabbed a glass bottle with some sort of mixture that he opened and eventually, sparely put onto Caelans much shorter hair, before massaging it in. "I'll trust you", he laughed, before he let go for a second, sat there idly and waited for it to set. "Can you arch forward a bit? That way I can wash it out."
      Looking back, it maybe is like the toy carts you rode when you were a kid. But those toy carts could never go beyond the walls of the lawn. We want to follow the rugged concrete road beyond the wall. As we've grown, we've decided to leave behind the toy cart.

    • "So it's not okay for you?", Caelan asked, thinking that this was what Ronan actually wanted to say. he was a little bit confused. Wasn't it enough to be together? Bein together for real, marrying, that was never something in reach, was it? They couldn't overrule anything their society believed in, they couldn't just o whatever they wanted, not even the king was able to do something like that, was he? So Ronan wanted to run away, did he actually think this trough, did he really want that? What if they didn't belong together and they figured that out midway through, what then? They'd always had the possibility to blame the other for loosing everything, their life, their heritage, was that something they were able to survive for real? "Do you really want to run away?", Caelan continued asking, did he want that? Did he want to abandon his family? "If you didn't know me, would you run away alone? Are you really willing to leave all of this behind? What about your mother and your brother? Have you thought this through?" Ronan didn't event want to be outside, did he? What woul he do all alone or even with Caelan? They still would have responsibilities, the were just changing and if they really wanted to not hide, wouldn't they need to join the wolves? Would they even take them in? And would Ronan be able to bare the cold?

      Caelan tried to catch Ronans gaze anew, he was pretty sure the following topics didn't interest him for real, he just wanted to not alarm Caelan. "Do you know how to tie a knot from reading a book alone?", he asked, did that even make sense? How did someone even describe that? Caelan was more of a person that wanted to watch someone do it and learn from that. "Freedom? You really want out of here, huh? Well... then let's do it. Let's pick a date and run away, what do we need?" If it made Ronan happy, why wouldn't Caelan give him that? Caelan didn't care about where he was, or did he now? He was never at home anyway. "Well we did manage to go parted ways last time and we will need to do that in the future. If a not so private room, with people in the adjacent ones is something you prefer, sure then, but you'll need to make some girly noises, you know?", he tried striking a joke with a small grin. Ronan was probably going to like the fact that Caelan needed to tone it down a little bit. "I always want to hug you...", the blonde murmured ind tilted his head just like Ronan wanted him to. "And I also want to do other things..."

    • "If it's fine for you, I'm fine with it, too", he blurted out, knowing well enough that he was lying to himself and Caelan once more - that he was a disappointment to both of them,simply because his feelings had to be artificial at best. He couldn't be serious about wanting to grow old with the blonde, couldn't be serious about wanting to live that long and yet, somehow he was. Somehow, for no reason, Ronan felt like he had to swallow it all down once more and just go with the flow of the world, comply to the decisions of others who had other things on their minds, who thought more rational than he did. In the end, they'd be found out - in the end, he'd die before he'd even have a chance to ask Caelan for his hand in a theoretical marriage that, in turn, would never happen to begin with, even if it was real. This world was cruel and if anything, Ronan was going to leave it sometime soon, at some point, whenever that would be. "Maybe I do, but it's not important, you're right anyway. It's an outlandish idea." Where would they even go? Wouldn't there be a bounty on their heads and wouldn't everyone want to fight each other to reclaim their lost lords? Ronan didn't want to plunge this world into chaos, just because he was selfish. "Caelan, all of this ... I ... this isn't something I want to talk about now."

      He hated most of it, hated his name, his title, his sole existence - Ronan of Alster hated himself for who he was, he hated his body for being what it was and while he could do plenty to combat it, he wasn't cut out to be a warrior, he wasn't cut out to survive out there and he wasn't ever going to amount to anything. In the end, his only solace was the sweet embrace of death that he seemingly yearned for and right now, he wasn't sure if he wanted just that or a hug from Caelan - and if both, which of these urges were stronger. "It's an instruction book - it has pictures, you dork", he said, appreciating the change of the topic at hand, even if he had brought it upon himself to answer all of this nonsense. "I'm just misapproriating it and using some ... foreign knowledge", he chuckled, almost silently - he wasn't feeling all too well, but he would put up with himself and his own obnoxious behaviour for the sake of Caelan and his own wellbeing, lest he ruined him more than he already had. "Caelan, stop. I want freedom, but ... no running away. Like I said, the idea was stupid." Dying in shackles was, after all, also something he could do, much to his own chargin. Never getting to taste freedom felt odd, but in reality, it sat right in front of him, didn't it? "Fine then, I'll make the girliest noises you've ever heard and moan your name a bunch of times like a stupid whore", he joked, then let go of the topic and instead focused on the blonde hair, rinsing it ever so softly and slightly, hellbent on not accidentally wetting the bandages. "I know and you never want to let go, either", he mumbled. Was this everything he truly needed and wanted? "What other things? Tell me."
      Looking back, it maybe is like the toy carts you rode when you were a kid. But those toy carts could never go beyond the walls of the lawn. We want to follow the rugged concrete road beyond the wall. As we've grown, we've decided to leave behind the toy cart.

    • "You don't have to lie to me, even if we have different opinions... you don't have to hide anything from me.", Caelan said instead of leaving he topic be. Hadn't Ronan swallowed too much already? Everything he couldn't talk to anyone about, not even his friend the crownprince? Wasn't he always trying to be appealing to others? His father, other lords, even Caelan? "We can make any idea true, if we really want to, if we think it through, whatever it is. Even if I do not agree, you can tell me what you want." Caelan grabbed one of Ronans hands to gently squeeze it, still trying to look him into his eyes, to reassure him, that Caelan meant what he said. He was willing to do a lot of things as long as Ronan was one hundred percent sure he really truly wanted it. Caelan wasn't fit to be a Lord anyway, was he? He'd rather be a peasant, catching Ronans interest and being held by him like a dog. The only responsibility he'd have would lay with his master. "You don't have to, but you can. Always."

      "I'm not a dork!", Caelan grinned, Ronan loved to give him names, didn't he. At least his attention was brought away for a second, chuckling even. "Misappropriating? What was the book actually describing?", Caelan wanted to know now, probably actual sailing knots or something like that. Caelan wasn't a boat though. Maybe this topic was better, maybe he should let everything als go, but he didn't want Ronan to think, that he couldn't be honest with his boyfriend. Whatever made him not want to die, whatever made him happy, Caelan would do it, for he couldn't imagine a world without Ronan. "Do I get a glimpse of that moaning right now?", Caelan asked cheeky, maybe joking around was the better approach. "It's your fault for feeling so good in my arms.", Caelan retaliated and thought about what to tell Ronan. "Kiss you for starters... but there is one thing circling around my head for a while now, but the situation was never right, or we did something else, so... "

    • “I ... it’s not that. If you don’t want to, it can’t be helped and I certainly want force you to cast aside everything you’ve ever lived for for someone like me.” They both were to-be dukes, they both had no idea how the life of a commoner was, wrought with hardships and the simple tasks of life that neither had to take care of right about now. Idolizing the life they’d had in that crammed hut of theirs was nothing they should do, but Ronan found himself yearning for another night back there, in silence, somewhere where they didn’t have to pretend to be someone they weren’t. “I want you, somehow, for myself and I don’t want to share you, that’s the truth. We don’t have to go anywhere if you don’t want to - I’m fine with whatever you accept for yourself.” Auburn eyes were avoiding the deep blue gaze of Caelan, but honestly, why was he this sheepish all of a sudden? While he appreciated Caelans touch, it also felt like it burned itself into his skin and sent shivers down his spine - frankly, he wasn’t necessarily interested in this conversation, but the blonde made it worse. “I know, but it’s fine the way it is, isn’t it?”, he asked. It was - they were doing what they were supposed to do, fate had willed it that way.

      “You aren’t? Prove it”, he demanded, chuckling slightly. Caelan was the very definition of a dork and Ronan would not let him live that one down, no way in hell he would. “Look. The basics are from an actual book on knots, everything else is from ... well. You know, those books”, he said, almost as if he’d been embarrassed by the single thought of having a tied up noble by his feet, a whimpering and begging for release - but this wasn’t the time. They both knew that they were talking about stupid things, even more so because Ronan was an idealist, unwilling to become who he was supposed to be. Freedom was something he could achieve on his own, but leaving behind Caelan felt horrible, at best. “Make me, then”, Ronan dared the blonde, knowing fully well that Caelan would be capable of doing it - even in his current state. “Is it now? I doubt it feels good to hold me, don’t your arms get tired?” Now, he was just finishing up the blondes hair and eventually signaled for him to lift his head back up, all the while he held back wet strands of hair. “If you want a kiss, I can give you all of them, but ... what else do you want? Tell me, Caelan, what’s been on your mind?”
      Looking back, it maybe is like the toy carts you rode when you were a kid. But those toy carts could never go beyond the walls of the lawn. We want to follow the rugged concrete road beyond the wall. As we've grown, we've decided to leave behind the toy cart.

    • "Ronan I... I just want you to be happy, I don't want you to feel trapped, I know what that entails and I won't want that to happen and you don't have to be fine with anything. " Ronan needed to stop valuing his life less than any others, he needed to stop doing everything for someone else, be it his father or Caelan. "So you want me for yourself, then so be it. I won't marry anyone if you don't want me to, even if it's my duty. I don't care. I only care about you. I'm sorry I ran my mouth like that. I don't want anyone else." What more was Caelan to say? If Ronan didn't want to talk or tell him what he truly wanted, then he couldn't force him, he didn't want to. He loved him so so much but sometimes it felt like Ronan didn't believe it. How was Caelan able to prove all that to him? If he needed to bring him somewhere else, carry him far away, he'd do it. But the topic wasn't something Ronan wanted to continue, so Caelan left it, focusing on something else.

      "How would I prove that?", he asked with a slight smile, even though Ronan couldn't see it now, with Caelans head hanging low for him to wash his hair. "Those books? All of a sudden you seem all flattered, when you are the one giving them to me.", Caelan noted, it was pretty funny actually. He was curious what Ronan had planned exactly though, but it seemed like they were seldom able to really indulge in whatever they wanted to. "You want me to make you moan now?", Caelan asked a little bit surprised, Ronan didn't mean it, did he? He was against the idea before. "My arms will never get tired of holding you and if I'd hug you with as much strength as I want, I'd break you in two.", Caelan announced, Ronan deserved so much more, but a hug could only say so much. Caelan lifted up his head again, trying not to get anything wet while doing it, at least he was able to smile at Ronan again. "You want to know? Hm, maybe it's better if it stays a surprise until I show you. But it entails something you asked me to do and which I haven't done before."

    • "I know you do, but something like that isn't exactly as easily fixable as you think it might be. I'm fine with being like this, I'm fine with spending my time locked up - I owe it to Alster, sort of. You really shouldn't worry about someone like me, alright?" Was he worth being worried over, was it fine for Caelan to cast aside all of his interests, all of his decisions, just because someone like him - barely worthy of anything - came into his life and decided to fuck it up? This shouldn't have happened and they shouldn't have been this close to begin with. In the end, they both had decided to venture into something, headfirst nonetheless, without knowing what was waiting for them beyond their own expectations. "Caelan, it's not your duty to comply to all of my wishes, nor is it your duty to just accept whatever I want from you. Just ... do what's expected of you, it's not like I can contest it anyway", Ronan sighed. Right now, he wasn't sure what he wanted - there was no way out and there certainly wasn't an opening for them to slip through, no matter the circumstances. "You shouldn't be sorry, either. I'm just being a tad bit too idealistic for my own sake, that's all there is to it." Frankly, he should stop - stop dreaming, that was. Just as his father wanted him to, after all, this wasn't befitting behavior for a duke, was it?

      "You'll have to come up with something, some way, I'm afraid", Ronan said, not sure how. "Unless you want to be called a dork for the rest of your life", not that he'd stick around that long anyway, but ... maybe empty promises would help, or would they not? Honestly, he didn't know - a double-edged sword was, what they were. "Do I, now? I don't know, I'm warming up to you and it's suddenly kind of odd to disclose everything in such detail?", he chuckled, though barely audible. Ronan of Alster was, at best, a stubborn, stuck-up idiot that hid himself in his daydreams and books that he dragged everywhere - there was nothing attractive or charming about him, there never had been. "If you can, that is. There's no one around and the door is locked, so why are you hesitating?", he asked, not sure why exactly Caelan was acting like that anyway. What was wrong about making him moan, right here and right now? Was it that disgusting? "Break me in two? I'd like to see that, could you try?" Now he sounded like an idiot, ready to give anything, just so that he could die - or at least feel close to dying. Now that Caelan sat up, he carefully slicked back the wet hair to avoid having water droplets hit the bandages as best as he could. "That ... is pretty obvious, now that you gave me a hint. But if you want to, I'll gladly wait until your wound has healed. Hm, what now? Do you still want to wash my hair?"
      Looking back, it maybe is like the toy carts you rode when you were a kid. But those toy carts could never go beyond the walls of the lawn. We want to follow the rugged concrete road beyond the wall. As we've grown, we've decided to leave behind the toy cart.

    • "Stop saying 'someone like me' all the time. You say it like it is something bad, it isn't. You're fine just the way you are, you don't have to change, you don't have to please your father, or me, just be you and I'll help you where I can!", Caelan blurted out, getting somewhat frustrated with Ronan, though he didn't even want to fight with him, but could he just leave it like that? No. Ronan was a fucking idiot that needed Caelan to tell him over and over again that he loved him either way, only to not believe him time and time again. "What if I don't want to fulfill my duties just as you are? What if I don't want a wife I won't love anyway, maybe you're right and it's stupid to have this life make me to, when I instead should be with the person I love, you. I don't want to make you happy and heed your wishes because it's my duty as your boyfriend, I can renounce that title at any time, but I don't want to. I want to be with you, I want to continue loving you, so tell me what the hell I can say to you so you believe me! Why do you think you're not worth all those things I want to gift to you. It's my decision, isn't it? I fell in love with you, because you're funny, intelligent and interesting. I think you are fucking beautiful and I have the feeling you understand me and that I can tell you anything - I do. The troubles with my own father, the fact that I'm pretty obviously gay, all those things are facts that only you know, because I think your are trustworthy and because I love that you care about me, even if I'm not my usual happy and easygoing self that most people remember about me these days. I don't care if I shouldn't worry about someone like you, I choose to do so, it is my decision and I won't stop worrying, I won't stop loving you and I won't stop being by your side. Stop playing yourself down, because in my eyes you are the most precious being on earth."

      What where they talking about again? Did it matter? Tying people up, meeting at the masquerade, Caelan being a dork, whatever. He couldn't just take back what he said just now right? He was like that, always running his mouth and he wasn't sure if it was for better or for worse in this instance. Since he could lot his head up high again, he just leaned back again, this outburst gave him somewhat of a headache and his cheek burned more than before, but that didn't matter much. He just let his gaze wander to the side while waiting for a reaction which he expected to be... not pretty, or at least not satisfying. Maybe he could still safe this somehow? His promise of making Ronan moan was out the window too, right? Aside form the fact that he was the one saying no before they cuddled for a while instead. He also wouldn't do anything else with him as it seemed. "I can still wash your hair.", he simply said, was that all he could come up with? Pathetic...

    • "Alright, fine!", he almost yelled. No, he wasn't necessarily angry or frustrated, he just felt like he - somehow - owed it to Caelan. What did he owe him, exactly? Well, not only did he owe him an open ear for any time that the blonde might feel like utter shit, but Ronan also owed him so much more than he could put into words. Theoretically, this just meant he was getting tired of being himself, tired of budging whenever someone was daring to break him, or when he felt like he would if he didn't give in - sadly, though, a few optimistic words wouldn't truly be able to change him, but he could try himself, just a little bit, to help himself change for the better. Insecurities were a constant in his system - he hated himself for simply existing, hated himself for being himself and lastly, hated himself for being who he was and for not trying to become someone he wasn't. Ronan pulled back, pulled his legs close to his body and let himself become small, wrapped his arms around his legs and watched from where he was - listened to Caelan, meeting his gaze while he could force himself to. In the end, this was the thing that he'd asked for, the thing he'd only himself to blame for - he'd agitated the blonde, like he'd agitated his father before, simply because he was an idiot, because he was stupid and couldn't do anything right, ever.

      All of it felt like it was washing over him, as if those words were nails, being hammered into his skin and Ronan felt bad - bad for dragging something like the blonde into that well with him, or at least holding onto him for so long, just because he didn't want to drown down there, all alone. "Look, you've told me Fhaergus doesn't have an heir besides you. I don't want to force you into anything you might regret, anything you might doom your country with and I, very much, don't want to drag you into a hell of stupid ideals. Caelan, I'm merely making suggestions that are stupid and idealistic at best, I know, I get it! I just don't want you to throw everything away because I say so - if that's what you want, too, I'd be more than happy to run away with you, but ... not if you have to force yourself." This was such a stupid argument, he himself was even worse than the blonde when it came to that and yet, he was trying to be the one to give advice - even if he couldn't. "I also like that you keep praising me, but it's hard to accept, I'm just used to be treated like dirt, to not speak my mind and if I do, to get shut down pretty quickly before being allowed to elaborate. I'm not used to being treated like I'm loved, or worth something. I'm horrible at giving and worse at receiving praise or affection, but it's fine, I'm still learning", he elaborated, followed by a deep sigh instead. "Caelan, I understand where all of this is coming from, and I get that you love me - I do, too - but are you sure you want to throw everything for me, to refuse your duties, because I want to do the same? It just feels so surreal, maybe that's why it's hard to accept. Being loved, that is - it feels ... odd."
      Looking back, it maybe is like the toy carts you rode when you were a kid. But those toy carts could never go beyond the walls of the lawn. We want to follow the rugged concrete road beyond the wall. As we've grown, we've decided to leave behind the toy cart.

    • "Ronan I... I think I've said it all. You're not forcing me to do anything. I am able to change my mind you know? When you told me you wanted to run away the first time, I didn't take it serious, because it never occurred to me. I still feel some ounce of responsibility, but the more I think about it,the more I ask myself, why I need to live for other people instead of for myself. So I'm changing my mind, I can see your point of view, it's not a stupid idea and it is possible, we just need to think it through and the both of us have to be sure and aware of what our disappearance would mean.", Caelan said, he wasn't exactly sure how much thought Ronan put into this. Wasn't his initial plan to just die? Now he had Caelan and he needed to change his plans, but he didn't have a whole lot of time to think about it. Was there any more to say? Caelan sighed. "Ronan. I love you." Was all he added once more, because he wasn't sure if Ronan got that the first, second and onehundreth time.

      Was Caelan able to make Ronan believe that somehow? Telling him didn't seem to work, not at all. He couldn't believe it, he couldn't believe someone like Caelan could love someone like him, whatever that was supposed to mean, but he did! If words didn't help, maybe he needed to try something different. Ronan was sitting there, all curled up as if Ronan would hurt him, he almost couldn't stand it. He moved in, yes, but not to hurt him, instead he put a hand on his cheek, pulled his face up a little bit and kissed Ronan. He didn't care that actually kissing him somewhat hurt, it didn't hurt enough to make him stop. He kissed Ronan with all his heart, showing him how much he loved him, his hand still on his cheek to keep him close for this long kiss that had nothing of the usual sexual tension in it, not at all. It was a kiss, nothing more and it was all Caelan was able to give to Ronan in this moment. If he didn't get it now, he wouldn't anytime soon.

    • "I know! You're a living, breathing human being, you know what you're doing - you're not stupid, or set in your ways for all eternity. But, I had no time to think this through. Running away is idealistic, a dream of a place where I could be who I want to be, where we could be who we want to be! Caelan, I ... look ...", he mumbled, not sure what he wanted to say next, not sure if he wasn't going to end up disappointing his boyfriend even more than he probably already had. What was he? Was this why nobody stuck around, why all of them forsake him as soon as they got the chance to? Was this the guilt he had to live with, simply because there never had been anybody to treat him much different than dirt? "It's not that I don't want to run away with you, or be with you! Let me think this through, let me come up with anything ... with something! I'm not as fit as you, I can't just scale mountains and I can't just run away from so many people, from this much responsibility, but neither can you!" They both were stupid teenagers, hellbent on making a world they barely knew bend to their will and if that meant they would end up hurting themselves, hurting each other, so be it - he would force himself to do it, especially if he had to and he'd make it last if he needed to, no matter how long it would take.

      "I love you too, Caelan", he answered, blurted out without thinking, but he didn't need to - this was the truth, this had always been the reality and if he didn't, they wouldn't be here right now. What had happened to him anyway? Was Caelan making his facade crumble, was Caelan breaking down every single wall he'd built up before, or was this just the critical thinking he was lacking before and now, he found himself trying to fix some cracks that could no longer be fixed? The warm, burning sensation on his cold, damp skin felt odd, but he let himself be handled as the blonde wanted it, regardless - gazed upon blue eyes and soon enough felt the blondes lips on his own. Ronan wasn't sure what to feel, but his heart did once it started pounding in his chest, his brain however was merely confused as to why Caelan was willing to hurt himself for the black haired nobles comfort and, while he felt like he should pull away for a second, he didn't - instead, he kissed the blonde back once their lips parted, he kept his hand close, pressed it against his face and nuzzled into it, once he let go of Caelans lips. "I get it, I get it", he mumbled, almost toneless, closing his eyes to enjoy the moment. "I love you, too, I really do ..." And yet, he felt insecure, felt like the pleasant shiver running through his body was barely anything to go by - but Ronan felt loved, felt cherished - as long as he was with Caelan. "So much, in fact, I don't want to let go."
      Looking back, it maybe is like the toy carts you rode when you were a kid. But those toy carts could never go beyond the walls of the lawn. We want to follow the rugged concrete road beyond the wall. As we've grown, we've decided to leave behind the toy cart.