sinbound. [Akira & Earinor] [ENG]

"It's just funny to me that you seemingly don't get tired of me, that's all", Ronan couldn't help but laugh. On one hand, it probably was pathetic for him to say such things, to belittle himself the way he did, but could he really help it? Naturally, no. This had been what years of abuse probably did to someone, among other things - he was content with feeling the way he did, even if that was nothing to be proud about or even accept like that, he knew anyway, but did he have any other choice? His father had molded him into the shape he wanted, had forced him to become who he was and Ronan was somewhat afraid that he'd find himself in Darraghs footsteps at some point, at least if he kept bowing to every single request that this man had. Would he break or be able to endure the strain? Honestly, Ronan wasn't sure himself anymore - either he'd bend to his fathers freakish desires, or he wouldn't and instead he'd break like a straw under this mans grasp, completely unprompted. "No, that's not what I meant. I wanted to say that it's sort of like ... your personality. You know, it's ... you're fit for a more grand role than just a duke, lest it would be a waste of yourself." But would Caelan make a good king? Probably, at least Ronan hoped he would, or he thought that he would.

"I doubt anyone would want to be friends with my old man. It was merely a suggestion for you to be cautious around him, really. Nothing else." Generally speaking, that also meant he'd have to find himself another excuse if the need arose and that he - frankly speaking - would have to come up with something to tell his father and explain to him, lest he'd find himself in a situation that there was no escape from. Caelan would be the thing that kept him from falling over the edge or he'd push him over the edge himself, whatever came first didn't matter - anything could happen with the two of them focused on one another. "Unlike me and my stupid wrists", not that it hadn't started healing and not that he hadn't done it, dipped it all in and waited for the wounds to get infected. Strangely enough, nothing had happened and Ronan had wondered if he should've been glad about that or if was another thing he should watch out for the next time - but whatever, this wasn't about him, rather it was about his boyfriend that looked like he could keel over anytime. "That's why I'm here anyway, no need to be shy about asking for help, really." He walked over to the blonde, gave him a hand and eventually helpe him into the tub, while remaining at the edge. "Should I give you a hand when washing your hair? I don't want you to get your bandages wet." After all, this kind of wasn't what Caelan should be doing and they could be glad if the maid didn't snitch on them.

"You won't?", Ronan asked, wondering for a quick moment and then giving up on the though entirely. What did it matter anyway? If Caelan was unable to tire of someone like him, why contest it an not enjoy, even bask in the new attention he was being given? Not that it mattered, not that he should care - but Ronan was, for one reason or the other, kind of confused. Naturally, all of this boiled down to him being nothing more than himself, to him, trying to be modest and clear about his intentions, but alas, he was who he was and all in all, nothing could be done about that, couldn't it? Frankly though, Ronan wasn't sure himself - sometimes it all worked out in his favor, other times he found himself struggling with the simplest of tasks and he asked himself why that was, why he found himself stuck in that life of his without any real pointers, or even a road he could freely choose for himself. "I'm just theorizing, I don't think you'd make a bad king, although, you could use some polish and maybe a right hand man to help you through all the boring paperwork, how's that sound?", he chuckled, very well knowing that Caelan was out of the equation to begin with. Henry would ascend to the throne and if he found himself to be generous enough, maybe Ronan would end up in his court as some sort of scholar, but nothing more - not that he cared.

"So you're trying to persuade him into liking you to some degree, whatever that may be, just so that you'd be allowed to visit me? That's ... I'd say that's an idea? Who knows if it'll work, but I guess we'll see sooner or later." They both were young and their thoughts were ridiculous, as well as their ideas. They'd spend what felt like thousands of years with one another, glued to each others side and yet they'd be unable to confess what was occupying their minds and what felt like thousands of sharp needles digging into their skin, simply because they couldn't bear to confess their secrets. "Which you can't do, unless you want to hurt yourself." Ronan would stop the blonde if he dared to, but realistically speaking, there was no way to stop Caelan, just a series of obviously soon to be failed attempts if he kept trying to - and that was something he'd have to deal with, wouldn't he? "I never claimed that you were! Stop saying stuff like that. I'm just trying to lend you a hand, really." Why was it so hard to appeal to someone like his boyfriend anyway? This was getting ridiculous, horribly ridiculous. "This ... is just a cheap tactic to get me to bathe with you, isn't it?", again, he couldn't help but laugh silently before he walked over to the door, locked the room and came back to sit on the edge of the tub, opening some of the buttons on his shirt. "Give me a reason to get in there with you, aside from the fact that I love you or that I need a wash."

"I never said that and I never offered myself as a right hand man for you!" But instead of being pissed about the blondes assumptions, he couldn't help but chuckle about it. Caelan was right, there was nothing much that he could do once he had a heavy crown on his head and found himself struggling through the world he so dearly hated - neither of them wanted to be a duke, so why would one of them go further? "I take it back, you'd do best if you were the son of a blacksmith or a farmer, anything where you can use your ridiculous strength to full extend and have fun. I don't want to offend you, but ... we both hate being nobles, don't we?", he asked, knowing the answer to the question already. Ronan himself wasn't exactly sure what he was supposed to feel, or if there even was anything he could feel in that regard. Chained to walls, invisible to them, seperating them from the people they thought of as friends, branding them as people of higher standing. To bemoan their situation was wrong, even more so when they had everything they could ever ask for right at their disposal, but truly, what else could they do about all the pain they felt, instead of swallowing it down? Ronan had no idea and he'd never do, not once.

"You'll drag me out of here even if my father tells you to fuck off and you'll force me to go on a hike up Fhaergus mountains with you, even if I don't want to. Not that I'll whine about it, but I ... think I know what type of person you are", Ronan couldn't help but laugh at the ridiculous nature of their conversation. Generally speaking, they both weren't much more than bored of their current lives and looking for an escape, and what greater escape was there if not being with one another? It was almost ridiculous to consier leaving one another behind - almost. "I wish I could trust you", Ronan answered, a slight sigh escaping from those lips of his as he wondered if he could really o that - was this what he wanted or was this merely the life that he'd spend agonizing and antagonizing over the simplest of things? "You're getting quite romantic with that explanation of yours, but ... Caelan, it's fine to shows signs of weakness, whatever they're bodily or mentally. You don't have to always be at your best or protect me all the time, I can fend for myself from time to time and you need rest, too." Didn't he? If they kept going at a pace like this, they'd find out how their coffins would look like sooner than later and that all because they were in love with one another and unable to keep their hands to themselves. "Will it now?", he asked, softly ruffling through blonde locks. "There's nothing that I want, but is there something you'd want?", he asked, before he unbuttoned the rest of his shirt, still not getting out of it. "Are you sure I won't get in the way of your injury?"

"Ask Ethan and you should be well off - if Cameron is your right hand man, I fear you might find yourself in a pinch", Ronan added. He knew well enough that the blonde cherished his friends and every single bond he had with them, but sometimes, things just got ridiculous to such a degree that he himself wasn't quite sure what to do anymore. Maybe there was something he could do to lessen the pain for either of them, but in the end, even if Caelan were king, what would it change? They both were forced into roles that weren't interchangable and they could do nothing more than hope for a time when all of this wouldn't matter as much, for a time after they'd died. There wouldn't be more in store for them - this was everything this world could give them and if secrets had to be kept, so they were. "You probably could break my bones if you wanted to and used a little bit of pressure, so don't be silly and deny yourself the obvious." Honestly speaking, they both were nothing short of disasters and if he'd ended up as a woman instead of a man, found himself engaged to someone like Caelan and had to make do, he might as well have lost it. "If you were a peasant I'd probably just enslave you, especially if you caught my eye ... but, I think employing you would be the safer idea."

"Most likely, yes. After all, he's expected to at least, I guess, care for the bonds he's making or something? He can't deny a friend, but since he already hates your father to a certain degree, I'm absolutely not sure how all of this will play out." Ronan was often insecure and liked to play things the safe way, but right here, right now, there was no safe way and every attempt made would result in him having to face something that he couldn't defeat, however small that thing may be, it was like a single, big obstacle in his way. "Alright, I'll trust you then, big puppy." As strong as Caelan was, he probably was also able to just do something reckless without thinking too much about it, simply because it felt like it woul be a good idea and then he forced himself to, before he felt the repercussions. "Fine, I won't coddle you just because you're kind of hurt - I'll try to keep that in mind, I don't want to hurt you or your pride after all." Ronan was somewhat certain that all of this wasn't even possible to achieve, let alone that he was able to just simply let his boyfriend do whatever he wanted, however he wanted to do it - naturally, that also meant he had to figure out things on his own. "Well, I'm not that small, I could always accidentally headbutt you in the face?", he voiced his concerns, but by now, that only sounded like he didn't want to get into the tub with his boyfriend, for one reason or the other. "I'm just asking why I should come in, I don't want to avoid getting in or even annoy you, I'm just curious", Ronan chuckled and cast aside his shirt somewhere on the floor, then got rid of the rest of the clothing. "But I might as well get in because I want a good hug." Did he just persuade himself into the tub? Yes, definitely.

"When does Cameron want to be stuck anywhere besides inside a girl?", he asked, a cheeky grin forming across his lips before he couldn't hold his laughter and snorted, as if he'd just said the funniest thing ever. These were still Caelans dear friends and he was dragging at least one of them through the mud, maybe that wasn't a good look. "Am I taking things too far? If so, I apologize", he concluded for himself, then decided that maybe this talk about Caelan becoming king would kill him instead. Why did he even have a thought as grand as that? Someone like Caelan wanted to be free, maybe even the son of a peasant and not a duke - someone that didn't have to involve himself with politics, but they both were here, about to share something like a diplomatic bath together, to deepen their bond. "I ust cracked it and I'm sorry about that! At least I didn't fully break it!" The pain of a broken jaw was, most likely, immense and Ronan was - for one - glad that he hadn't actually managed to inflicht it upon the blonde, but on the other, maybe it was a suitable punishment for himself somewhere down the road. "Enslave you, yes." As deep and dark as this sounded, it wasn't - these were things a young noble, drunk on power, mistakenly blurted out. "If I enslave you? Steal you away, lock you up and break you into a thousand pieces, probably. And that's no fun."

Was he even capable of doing something like that? Ronan had never tried, but a few stories that he'd heard about and from his father had told him otherwise - either of his fathers, actually. While Darragh prefered to torture literally anyone in his stupid dungeon, his other father hailed from somewhere ... entirely else. Pain was involved for both of them, or at least their victims - no wonder his teeth were as sharp as they were. "He hates you for being of Fhaergus, no idea why, but you carry blood of the nobles from there in you, he'll find a way to dislike you, simply so that he can, I guess?" Darragh would never start making sense to him, no matter how much he tried and Ronan knew that he'd have to accept it, just how he'd have to accept who he was, with every single damn flaw he had, no matter how much he hated them or himself. "Pretty small? Fine, I'm barely average size for someone our age, but I'm, and I swear to god Caelan of Fhaergus, not pretty small!" Now he got upset again, just a little bit and sighed as his facial expression turned into a somewhat pissed off frown. "Don't rush me", he yapped, eventually coming into the tub to sit down an immediately having the blonde plastered all over him, as if he were trying to keep him hidden from the rest of the world. "Unfair? Why unfair? And also ... you just wanted me to undress and get in here so you could keep touching me, didn't you?"

God, what was so funny about that? Well, Ronan didn't know, but it was almost like he understood on the spot and he couldn't help but snort and then break out in laughter himself. Truthfully speaking, he was doing nothing more than to insult Caelans friends, but for some reason, they were having fun because of it, weren't they? "I ... I'm right? I'm right!", he exclaimed, almost joyful, still unable to contain himself fully and stuck with the realization that he - in fact - was right and that Cameron was nothing more than a filthy whore, but that was something that he'd rather keep to himself, all the while he laughed his ass off about it and the remark he had made earlier. "It's good to hear you laugh, though!" Caelan was his and he was Caelans and yet they both were joking around like little kids that had just heard the funniest fucking thing in the whole entire world. "It's good to hear that you're fine, though ... I'm a bit too overbearing, aren't I?", Ronan wanted to know, calming down from their little laughing fit and then breathing in, enjoying the warm water that had surrounded him by now and turned all of this into nothing more than a joke, almost as laughable as everything else that they were usually doing for each other. "If you want me, I wouldn't have to break you - but I doubt you'd even care who I am."

"About Declan, of all people? Um. Where do I start? He's like, ten? A spoiled little brat and my fathers favorite - don't get me wrong, I like Declan, but the amount of stuff my father will do for him if he just demands it, well, it's insane. He gets what he wants, whenever he wants it." Naturally, he was like a normal kid his age, raised among the nobility of Adrestia. Whatever the young lord wanted, he got without much questioning and Darragh didn't even think about denying his wishes, he just gave in - mainly, because his little brother could be pushy, loud and whiny - and while Ronan knew that he could be pushy too, it wasn't to such an extent, let alone ended up taking over his entire personality at some points. Caelan was asking about the wrong person, at least Ronan thought he did - in the end, Declan would either stick to him like glue or hate him, just as their father wanted him to. "Oh shut up, will you? I'll grow up eventually and I'll be taller than you, mark my words!" That was something he could only dream of and he knew that, in the end, something like that almost wasn't possible, but what else could he do but try? There weren't that many options and if he believed in it, maybe it became reality one day. "Silky smooth skin? That's what you're jealous of? You can ruin it if you want to", after all, this wasn't going to be his forever and he'd rather have Caelan mark his skin than anyone else. "I'm starving for your touch and attention, so you better don't let go."

A well-placed joke was always good, even diabolically so and for some reason, Ronan felt like he owned the world, simply by making Caelan laugh from something so stupid as an off-handed comment that he hadn't put much thoughts in. "And don't get me wrong, I get that he's your friend, but ... I'm sorry Caelan, your best friend is a whore." Was there any other way to describe it? Not necessarily and even if Cameron were to be the Duke of Stenz, Ronan doubted that he'd have much of a different view on him. Naturally, this was only happening because maybe, just maybe, they both couldn't stand each other - but that was as much of a wild guess as it was a wild goose chase to determine whether or not someone was gay, in a society like theirs, hellbound on punishing anyone in the name of god, as long as they were deemed a sinner. "Did it now? Well, I'm glad ... I was being dead serious, though", he remarked. This hadn't been much of a joke, just an assumption about someone with a character as grand as Cameron of Stenz's and as it seemed, he'd hit the bullseye. "Who knows, maybe you'd be a peasant living in Fhaergus and I see you there, because I'm on a diplomatic trip and decide that I want you ... but, I'd probably oggle you to death first, especially if you were shirtless. I'm obvious like that, aren't I? Well, maybe I'd draw you, too." This was getting embarrassing and way too real, wasn't it? "Who knows, maybe I'd be as much as an asshole as, what do I know, the heir of Olette."

"I could tear you a new one and talk about my grandparents, or ... what do I know, my parents dead relatives, which includes my grandparents? As for Declan ... I don't know? I mean, I'm not assuming that Camerons father has favorite children, but ask any noble with siblings and they're either their parents favorite or they're hated by them. Basically, Declan and me are the opposite of one another and ... I guess we're opposites too? So, you and Declan are everything Darragh likes and wants in a son, I'm not", he said, his voice being pretty dry at that. Ronan had stopped caring, had done so ages ago and there barely was time for him to make up his mind if he wanted to change his ways or if it all was stupid in the end. So stupid, it made no sense for him to even attempt doing anything to appease to someone like his father. Caelans arms, strong and warm, felt so good wrapped around his small frame and sent a pleasant shiver down his spine - seemingly pulling him out of his misery. "Then it's a deal", he said, already in disbelief - but now he had to grow, somehow, some way. It didn't matter if he was one centimeter taller than Caelan for three weeks, at least he had been taller than him at some point. Being pulle back, however, also felt nice and let him cuddle up to the blonde, just a bit. "Relaxing for a while, especially in your arms, souns ... unbelievably good", they shouldn't be doing this and yet, here he was, dying to be touched by his beloved. "Depends. Shouldn't you receive? Do you want more than a hug, Caelan?"

"See?", he simply threw in, but after that, couldn't help but laugh once more, even though just for a short second. Now, Caelan was right about that one, too. "You're my whore, that's a difference", he said, deadpan serious once more, before he chuckle about it for a good while. That would mean he had some kind of ownership over his own boyfriend and while that would be funny in itself, it also was somewhat dehumanizing and not a feeling he wanted to transmit to the blonde, of all people. They were equals and stood on the same ground, with the minor difference that Caelan was a handsome, tall bastard with somewhat of an ego and a voice of gold. "That's ... true?" Now, he was just baffled. Somehow, a little jab at someone who the blonde called his best friend turned out to be nothing more than, well, a fight that the poor noble couldn't even partake in - now, it was just relentless slander. Should they stop? Ronan would, before he stooped down to Camerons level, if that even was possible. "Depends. I mean, I don't know if there would be something different about me in a world like that, if I'd even be a noble of a standing as high as that or if there'd be something else happening. Who knows what my mother and your father are conspiring anyway." There had to besomething, right? Hopefully it was something according to the lines of poisoning Darragh. "I'd make you mine, regardless. Especially if I was rebelling like I am now." And then, it hit him like a brick. "I wanted to show you in the hut, I totally forgot! I'm so sorry!"

This was but one of the mortifying ordeals of being someone like him - praised for being smart but being absolutely horrible at remembering anything, being horrible at doing his tasks right and yet, his parents wanted to thrust responsibility upon his weak shoulders, about to give in. "People tend to generally be nightmares, that's my takeaway. I just don't like many of them. You, Henry, my mother and my brother ... and that's about how many I care for. It's somewhat sad, but I don't think Darragh has ever loved me, you know?" It would be easier to be a vagrant, a wolf - someone not related to the sheep of Adrestia. In that alternate reality, something so far off from this world, who knew - maybe he'd have to courage to drag someone like Caelan all the way to Thria, even if he were a peasant, simply because he wanted him for himself. People didn't change overnight, so why would someone like Ronan be different? If his father had raised him, would he even be himself? Wouldn't he just be what he called him ... Rikiya? Was that even someone he could identify himself with? A sigh escaped his lips - he wanted to tell Caelan, but now was not the right time to dump all of this stuff onto him, not remotely the right time. "Hm. That might be, because you, Caelan, bring a smile to my face by simply existing and you give me reason to be, by simply being you. And because we both feel profound love for each other, something neither of us has experienced. It's the same for me, but when you touch me." They both were terribly honest, as much as they were in love. "I ... want to wash myself, because I'm disgusting right now and I don't necessarily want someone to become suspicious of us. If we do something, we should do it in your room, at night, preferably. Alas, I'm unfortunately not horny, your lordship."

"How?", Ronan asked back, with some sort of audacity in his voice that only seemed to tell a different story. "Well, you're my boyfriend, aren't you? And I mean, as much as you are my boyfriend, I can still call you a whore for sleeping around with that many girls?", he said, sticking out his tongue as he leaned back - just so that Caelan could see. For one reason or the other, this simply meant that they had gotten too comfortable around one another, hadn't they? Now, they were even sharing a bath together - not the first time, anyway. "Or would you rather not be owned by someone like me, puppy?" Was this going to turn into another spiel of power imbalance, or was he joking around right now. Well, whatever that was, he merely was making things up as he went along with whatever he seemingly had in mind. Therefore, it felt only natural for him to do something stupid, if not relucantly admit to liking the blonde a bit too much for his own liking. "I, no ... I was getting at. Maybe, just maybe, Darragh would be out of the picture. Whoever my mom would marry after that, no idea, but maybe that wouldn't make me myself either. And ... there's definitely something fishy." What were they going to figure out, though? That those two had an affair? Highly unlikely. "I could draw you something when we're done, how's that sound? Well, draw you something or draw you, whatever you prefer."

Getting out some paper to sketch on, not an entire canvas, would be a better solution. After all, he'd only end up fucking around too much and then he'd successfully have wasted a canvas. Ronan wasn't even sure if he was good at painting people, or just sketching them - not that he hadn't tried, but he had to scrap every single piece because there was no way in hell he'd explain to anyone why his notes were full of faint sketches of shirtless men that his father had employed. God, was this some sort of gay panic? "We're on opposite sides of that spectrum, too", he concluded all of a sudden - but was he wrong? They both had only the most miniscule things to go by, but after all, Caelan was an optimist, an idealist and Ronan seemingly a pessimist and maybe even a realist. "Let's ... not do that, you're right. Lets talk about something fun instead." No fighting here, then - and he appreciated it. "Cheesy? You're cheesy! We both are!" They were so goddamn cheesy, there was not a single chance to even try denying it, was there? Made for each other, as it seemed, too. "Mind you, I've had to be without you for weeks. I can endure another week, or a few more days. What about you, though?" He said, smirking stupidly - this wasn't another stupid contest of theirs. "Relaxing, then cleaning and after that ... we'll see." And with that, he shifted a bit to make it more comfortable for both of them, closed his eyes and got enveloped by the warmth that both Caelan and the water radiated - he wasn't gonna doze off like this, was he?

"As harsh as it sounds, I don't think I'd been able to tell anyone else how I'd feel - and I feel for you, just like all those girls. I'm not any better than them - seeing you excites me and makes me feel warm, loved even, without knowing too much about you." Ronan of Alster wasn't an optimist, he wasn't an idealist and still, he acted like a hopeless romantic that had nothing else to do but chase after that boyfriend of his, the person he - by now - was able to call his very own. They belonged to one another, never to be seperated again and while he vowed that he'd spend the rest of his remaining days with the man he claimed to love, would it truly be like that? Could he manage doing something like that without falling back into the hole he was trying to crawl out of? "I am. Don't we belong to one another?", he asks, confused and waiting for an answer, or two, or maybe even three - hadn't they been made for one another, or were they just trying to fit each others ideals of a perfect partner, of a person that didn't even exist? "Who knows, if we change too much stuff around, nothing of this would be an actual reality, don't you think? Maybe we should just focus on the simples things, the things that actually exist here and now", even if that meant they had to give up their dreams and hopes, it would only be beneficial for the two of them, no matter how painful it would be.

"Draw you handsome? Caelan, what makes you think you aren't handsome, dashing and a delight to look at?" Truthful answers were hard to accept, that was true, but for someone like Caelan it wouldn't be too much of a shock, wouldn't it? They both belonged to one another, there was no option to change that and that also meant the two of them had to endure not only being with one another, but also spending their time accordingly. "Not that you'd have to care, I like you either way, so don't waste your thoughts on something so stupid", he mumbled. Ronan was grateful for Caelan, for his continued existence by his side and he also - very much - enjoyed being who he was with him, even if that meant he'd have to spend a bunch of time figuring out how to ake nobody else find out. "Don't say I haven't warned you", he mumbled instead, accepting the little bit of chastising he'd been given. Here, enveloped by warmth, he could sleep and free his mind of unnecessary things that had been plaguing him for a while - he knew that he felt gross, that he was gross and shouldn't be touching someone like the blonde, but he did anyway as he gave in to his own desires, to his own needs. Was this what he'd wanted all along? Being with someone he had liked from afar for ages? Now that his mind was drifting off, he felt like he'd been pulled out of all of his thoughts almost immediately. "I want to sleep now", he mumbled, acting childish yet again as he rubbed his face against the blondes chest, only to let go, sink his own hands - bandages included - in the water and then touch the blondes hair with them. "Your hair first."