sinbound. [Akira & Earinor] [ENG]

    • "Hm... I'm not sure if my father has many secrets... he keeps this facade of a happy family and he's avoiding my uncle in every way, he's not even talking about him. He never told me about my aunt, but I'm not sure if this counts as a secret, I think he just... doesn't want to talk about it or he can't. I don't know, I've never lost anybody, so I wouldn't understand how he feels.", Caelan said and in the end shook his head. "We both defended him just now... I hate that. I... hm..." His thoughts were a little occupied and he thought about so many things which he usually didn't do. If he was about to drift oft he found something to do, or he was with Cameron and he took his mind off of things, with Ronan it was different and though all those thoughts and topics somehow hurt, they also helped, it helped talking about it and Caelan liked having Ronan listen, so he tried forming his thoughts into actual words. "You know, I... I never thought I'd be into a man, though now it is painfully obvious that I have no interest in girls at all. I don't... I don't really regret that or wish I hadn't met or kissed you, but it is... you know, there are rules and it kinda doesn't even make sense for two men to..., I..." Caelan sighed, after all the words he picked probably didn't really tell Ronan what he was thinking about. "Anyway, what I'm trying to say is, that I never really cared about what my father said about me or that he hated me, because I thought all of what he despises is not really me, this has nothing to do with me, but now I think, maybe he was right, maybe I am a disgrace and all those things. I... shouldn't it feel wrong to lie next to each other like that? To look at each other like that?", he asked Ronan, looking at him as if he wanted him to tell him that everything was just fine the way it was, but he didn't wait long enough. "I'm sorry, I don't want you to feel bad or say I don't want this, I do want this, I'm just... I guess I'm doubting myself for the first time in a very long time...and thinking about my father maybe being right all along changes... so many things." Again Caelan shook his head, he talked too much and he only talked about himself, he was an asshole at the very least probably. "Yeah I want to stay alive too, don't worry. But you give me another reason. But do tell, what stupid things do you do? Maybe that is a better topic than... you know, just forget I said anything. I just expose myself too much, too soon, right?", he cited Ronans own words.

      "That's wird... and your conclusion makes sense to me.", Caelan said, maybe his father had lost everyone to the wolves, if a wolf killed Ronan, well he probably tried killing every last of them too. As a duke though... maybe that wasn't a good idea and maybe Ronans father didn't even have a good reason after all. It probably was better not to pry. Ronan however finally put his book away, a while longer and Caelan had just pulled it out of his hand. "Then don't read, we're talking, shouldn't you be the one having manners?", he asked with a grin, though after he spilled his insides out in front of Ronan, maybe it was better to do something else entirely. Then he looked at the spot Ronan was pointing at, looking at the somewhat curved scar. "Ah... we were visiting my grandmother from my mothers side, she had a tiny, extremely annoying dog and he hates people, especially me. I swear I haven't done anything, he just bit me, really hard, didn't let go until some servant pulled him off... at least it was a tiny dog, some weird race she always carries in her arms, shouldn't even be called a dog... Well, my father of course said it was my fault, I was pestering it or something like that... I didn't and this dog hates me still and the feeling is mutual."

    • "He's like Darragh, but whereas I don't think your father is trying to hide something bad, Darragh hides pretty much all of his past from me, my mother and my brother. I don't know what it is, maybe they're both tongue tied and unable to truly tell us what it is that's plagueing them, but maybe it's just grief over things that they don't understand", Ronan mused, unsure if he should be the one bringing sympathy to either of their fathers. He didn't know Allard and didn't feel in a position to judge the current Duke of Fhaergus, but if he had to assume something, then it probably was that the old man wasn't a terrible person, just stuck up over something. "I don't know him, it feels wrong to judge him without taking into account what might led to him acting like that, but on the other hand, it's also wrong for him to treat you like he does just because you remind him more of his brother than anything", meanwhile, Darragh just seemed to hate him because he could. Whatever the reason was, he didn't know - maybe he wanted someone strong and skilled like Caelan as his son, someone to be admired and loved, or he just hated that his son wasn't an obedient puppet anymore that did his bidding, no questions asked. The words, caught up in this very moment, all falling from the blondes lips, sounded like they weren't spoken in vain but rather because he was questioning himself and Ronan knew how that felt - forlorn, lonely in this world of infinite possibilities. "Caelan", he murmured, his gaze fixated on the blue eyes all of a sudden. "You're going to feel lost, lonely - maybe even as if the gods or fate despises you, but let me tell you. Fate favors noone. What happens, happens and if you don't regret it, that's even better. There's no need to be sorry, only room to doubt yourself - to ask yourself if this is what you want or if you desire something else in the end. However, it's not wrong to be yourself, no matter what you're told or what you've been taught. It's fine to be you and it's fine to like me, to love me, or another man, even if someone would tell you something else." A short gulp came from him - right now, right here, he seemed to be overly confident, something he hadn't been in a while. "Your father doesn't even know and even if he's grieving, even if he's hurt, that still doesn't give him any right to hate you. I'm still doubting myself, asking myself if I can really stand up for myself and keep so many things a secret when they're in plain sight, but eventually, you'll realize that being you is fine and loving who you love is alright.

      Still, I'll be here for you as long as you want me around." These topics were nothing to gloss over, let alone something fun - they were hard to stomach and someone like Caelan, as carefree as he seemed to be, would be hit equally as hard as someone like Ronan, once the realization had dawned upon them. His hand reached for Caelans hair, ruffled through it for a second and then moved down, only to caress his cheek for a mere minute. "It's fine to expose yourself, I'm not going to tke advantage of it - you are who you are and it's fine that way. Though, I doubt that what I do to feel better about myself, or worse, for that matter is a good topic right now. Just staying alive is fine, who knows, maybe we can disappear together after all at some point." Their conversation was taking a somewhat dark turn, Ronan was going to admit that, but exposing that he'd laid here so many times, had waited to succumb to the cold, his wounds or both, tore at his heartstrings for a good second until he'd decided he wouldn't tell, not say anything about the myriad of knives he'd left in the nightstand or the bloody sheets he had to get rid of. "Well, I won't know for sure but I know better than to dig in my parents general affairs. I'm supposed to mind my own business", he mumbled, brushed over Caelans cheek and then took his hand away. They were done here, at least for now and should any tragedy or harm befall them, they were still together, no? "Says the one without manners to begin with! You cheeky little--!", Ronan laughed, before he finally diverted his attention back to the scar that he'd pointed out earlier. "So, you're telling me you got accosted by an oversized rat? What in the world kind of dogs does your grandmother own? But at least you both hate one another, that's a good start." There was nothing interesting about himself, he merely was the product of an affair and a bastard in every sense of the word, but he couldn't tell Caelan that, just as much as he couldn't tell the blonde who or what he usually did here. "What about that one?" Instead, he pointed at a scar that peeked out from under Caelans shirt, located on his shoulder - or at least stretching over it. "Why do you have so many anyway?"
      Looking back, it maybe is like the toy carts you rode when you were a kid. But those toy carts could never go beyond the walls of the lawn. We want to follow the rugged concrete road beyond the wall. As we've grown, we've decided to leave behind the toy cart.

    • "Well I guess you're not as lucky to have a grandmother that just tells you what's up.", Caelan replied with a slight sigh. This was none of his business and it probably was a bad idea to try digging something up, although it sounded interesting. Where would they even begin though? "My uncle got his sister killed, maybe my father is just scared I'll get someone killed as well someday...", Caelan sighed, now looking into those dark eyes which fixated him and didn't allow averting his gaze. After Ronan was finished he smiled. "Where did that come from all of a sudden?" Ronan wasn't as content with his own feelings as it seemed but now he looked pretty confident and more in peace with himself than Caelan, at least he didn't hate himself for yearning for the touch of a man instead of a womans. "Thank you.", Caelan smiled and leaned forward, giving Ronan a soft kiss. "I have a lot to figure out, but as long as you're here, as long as I'm not alone that's fine." Caelan leaned forwards again, but this time he only pressed his forehead on Ronans, while his hand found it's why on the back of Ronans head. He closed his eyes, breathed for a moment and knew that this was no mistake. "As I said... I don't regret coming here, or kissing you, or meeting you... or liking you a tad too much to call you just a friend and I hope you know that I'm always here for you too."

      Caelan let go of Ronan again, but kept cuddled up to him. It felt like he needed him so much, which was weird and unexpected, he didn't want to be without him and he was sure he stayed glued to Ronan for the rest of the day, everything else felt wrong. "Mh, disappearing with you sounds nice... living in a hut like this, on our own and all alone, I'd take care of you." He knew all the skills they needed, hunting, fixing stuff, he probably could even build an own hut if he set his mind to it. As soon as Ronan took his hand off of Caelans cheek, he missed it, he missed the warmth and the feeling of his skin. His laugh however made him feel better almost instantly and he grinned at Ronan. "I don't know what the race is told.", he answered though Ronan didn't really ask a real question, then Caelan looked down on his own body and his hand found its way on the shoulder Ronan was pointing at. "That's from a training fight gone wrong.", he said, it had hurt like hell, but it was nobodies fault. "I wanted to parry the blade, we both slipped and... this happened. I think I have so many scars because I constantly push myself. I'm not trying to get myself killed, I'm just testing my limits and sometimes I push too far."

    • "Unfortunately, I know nothing about Darraghs lineage and my mother has no living relatives. Her father passed away a few years ago and his wife, my grandmother, when my mother was still young. Therefore, no. I can't consult any of my grandparents", it was for the best. There was no one to pester him, to disturb his inner peace and for one, maybe it was alright that he was being left in the dark, just like Saoirse was leaving her husband in the dark about what their son actually was. "Not that you can tell your father that I'm by your side, but I do think it's rather hard to kill me, so I think you'd be the one that would die trying", Ronan mused, confident that he wasn't as sickly and as easily hurt as everyone wished to portray him as. "I just felt like it might be something you want to hear, after all, it's something I'd want to hear, but there's no one in this world that would be able to tell me that without knowing who or what I am. You don't have to thank me, really." Once the kiss had been plastered onto those lips of his, he returned it, almost as if that was, what he'd been craving all along. "You won't get rid of me all that easily, so don't worry. Take your time, I'm here for you", Ronan, enjoying the moment of warmth they shared, reached for the blondes hand and squeezed it slightly, as soon as he held it in his own. No, they weren't alone - they had one another now. "That means a lot - I'll take you by your word after all."

      Out here, in his sanctuary, he'd found the solace he'd searched for for so long and then again, he knew their time together was limited - there was nothing they could really do and there absolutely was no chance that Ronan could just keep Caelan here without raising some kind of suspicion. Not when his father knew that he'd went somewhere and not when a multitude of peasants had cast their gazes upon the two of them already. "We can take care of one another, but I wouldn't say no to just moving out here, in the middle of nowhere and bein alone with you, away from all those pesky duties and annoying nobles." Were they really equipped for such a task, or was it nothing more than the talk of someone who was in love for the first time, who thought that a bond was enough to tear down impossibly high walls? "Oversized rat, probably", he chuckled again. His father didn't care for animals and the last time he remembered being around a dog was probably when he was younger and his mother had still owned ... what were they called again? No idea, actually. "So it was your punishment for taking it too far? Well, now you do have a reminder that sticks out like a sore thumb and essentially tells you what you shouldn't do." Ronan liked lying here, in this bed, next to Caelan and all cuddled up to him. "You and your myriad of scars and here I am, without a single one." Or at least ones that could be seen in the dark. How long would it take for him to fuck up? "Are there any you got from any stupid stuff you did with Cameron? Besides the obvious one."
      Looking back, it maybe is like the toy carts you rode when you were a kid. But those toy carts could never go beyond the walls of the lawn. We want to follow the rugged concrete road beyond the wall. As we've grown, we've decided to leave behind the toy cart.

    • "I'm sorry about that. What about uncles and aunts? The Fhaergus bloodline grows very thin already... my aunt died too young to have children, my uncle lives in solitary and I'm the only child of my parents. If I were to die or vanish, that pretty much would mean the end of my family I think...", Caelan sighed, the responsibility passed onto him felt even bigger and he hated it. He'd love to have a brother, not only to be able to pass the title, but also to have a friend in his home. Somehow Ronans and Caelans families were a mess as it seems and again Caelan wished to just be another brother of Cameron, instead of being the heir of Fhaergus. "Well... I won't try to kill you and I won't push you to do anything. I have Cameron for stupid ideas.", Caelan said with a slight smile, he wouldn't even allow Ronan to join those stupid things they did. He better stayed here in a warm hut and Caelan didn't even want to go outside right now to do whatever, he rather kept close to Ronan, hidden away in this secret location.

      Caelan chuckled a little, it was a nice fantasy to just leave everything behind, it wasn't like he had never thought of this before, but in the end he felt the responsibility he had, he couldn't just abandon his name and leave his country for it to be taken over or be destroyed, could he? If he was just a peasant, this would be so much easier. Now Caelan looked at his shoulder again, at the scar there. "Well I'm still pushing myself, I want to know how far I can go, only to be able to go further next time. I hardly learn from my scars." Caelan started laughing ans his hand wandered downwards and under Ronans shirt to feel the flawless skin Ronan was talking about. "I prefer you this way... unharmed.", he smiled and started thinking about more scars. "Are you interested in Cameron now? Or just thinking about never letting me meet him again?" Another laugh and then Caelan raised his hands again to show Ronan his knuckles. "Fistfight. Though I've not only punched him and... I had an arrow in my arm. Though that wasn't Camerons fault, Stenz is dangerous, we went out alone and met some bandits. The arrow went through my arm. At least it was the left, so we managed to fight them off and go home. Did you see Camerons scar on his chest he so loves to show off? That's from the same day, a bandit almost cut him open... let's just say there was a lot of blood."

    • "I don't have relatives on Darraghs side, at least not any that I'm aware of. My mother has a single sister, but I haven't heard from her in ages and whenever I breach the topic, my mother seems to be sour about it, so I try to avoid it. What do I know, maybe she's married the wrong man or just forsaken her family", a slight sigh spilled from his lips - was his family supposed to be such a mess, was it normal for them all to be at each others throats constantly or was it but a matter of time? He had Declan and his parents, but what lay beyond Thrias borders, he couldn't tell - who knew, maybe there was someone, or something, that his actual father wasn't keen on talking about. "Do you now? Well, I can't stop you from being yourself, let alone can I force you to stop being together with Cameron, but I don't think I'd want that anyway", Ronan chuckled. Maybe it wouldn't be so bad to monopolize on Caelan and have him for himself, though, truth be told, maybe being glued to one another would be a bad idea and draw a bit too much attention.

      Running away, far and wide at that, somewhere where nobody would ever find them or even realize who they were, wasn't that a dream worth living for? Something he should work on realizing? Probably, but Ronan wasn't keen on caring about a future he might never have - instead, he wanted to stay where he was, his feet firmly planted on the ground below him and seeds of doubt sprouting in his mind. "Then, maybe you should just try to think about the stuff you do for once. It doesn't have to be scars or, well, permanent reminders on that body of yours - it's alright as long as you are you, you know?" For one, he didn't care an for the other, maybe it were Caelans scars that made him himself, but who knew? A shiver rushed down his spine when Caelans hand wormed itself under his shirt and found its way onto his skin, his body. "And what if I say I'd like to have at least a single scar?" Was that too much to ask for? Something that came from something that wasn't his own hopelessness? "I'm ... neither. I just wanted to know what Cameron is all about, but from your tales, he sounds like he's got a lot of stupid stuff on his mind, or am I wrong? Also, it's hard not to notice it when he's flaunting it, but I know better than to ask."
      Looking back, it maybe is like the toy carts you rode when you were a kid. But those toy carts could never go beyond the walls of the lawn. We want to follow the rugged concrete road beyond the wall. As we've grown, we've decided to leave behind the toy cart.

    • "Your family seems complicated. All of them.", Caelan pointed out, he didn't have so many people left that could act complicated. His mothers mother was still alive, but she was just an old lady, nothing more, she was neither mean, nor overly nice and she didn't look like she had a lot of secrets. Caelan also knew the truth about his father and uncle and that was about it what there was to know, though he had to live with not knowing a thing for quite a while. Ronan didn't know why his father acted like he did towards him and though knowing would probably not stop him, wasn't it at least something? Knowing a reason? Well there was nothing Caelan could do to help though. "You stay safe, if I want to jump off a bridge, I'll ask Cameron to join me.", he said, poking Ronans chest. He didn't want him to get hurt, it didn't have anything to do with Ronan being sick or frail, Caelan himself could get hurt just as much, but he didn't want that for Ronan.

      "I'm just trying to know my limits and push them further. I do think about possible gruesome outcomes, but I do it anyway. Climbing one of Fhaergus mountains to the very top, where the air is thin and one wrong step could end my life... I mean if I broke my leg there, nobody would find me I guess, but I still do it, because I want to prove myself I can. Also it's beautiful up there, achieving a goal feels good as well and I'm alone, which I like from time to time.", he explained with a smile. It was stupid but somehow he needed that rush of adrenaline sometimes. "I'm not trying to carry home a scar though." Now Caelan shook his head, looking at Ronan somewhat worried. "Why would you want a scar? If you never get one although you are going to start training for the tournaments, wouldn't that be more awesome? The untouchable Ronan... invincible!", Caelan laughed again. "Cameron is pretty wild yeah and he's not scared easily. When we're together we kinda always end up proving ourselves. He's pretty proud of every scar he had, although he was lucky the strike on his chest didn't pierce his lung. I doubt he learned anything from it, neither did I, except maybe that Cameron is heavier than he looks."

    • "I never said they were easy, but it feels like they're all trying to keep more secrets than they should", which didn't mean that Ronan didn't know some of them. In reality, in truth, he knew who he was and what kind of sins his mother was committing so that he could exist, but in actuality, nobody dare voice it, not her, not him - not even his actual father who, among other things, probably barely remembered that they could meet sometime soon. Ronan wasn't cut out for the life of a wolf, of a purposeless vagrant that could just wander wherever his feet carried him, but he knew all too well that - in the end - there also was something, somewhere, waiting for him. Freedom, or maybe even something else, but unless he got off of his ass and finally searched for it, he wouldn't know. "And what if I want to jump off the bridge with you? You are acting like I'm the most frail thing you ever met and once I come in contact with all those things, I'll break into two", he sneered. The finger pressing against his chest felt ever more annoying, but he chose to ignore it, for now.

      "Sounds like you're trying to kill yourself in the only way you know how to because you're not sure whether or not you want to live", he sighed. All alone, on some snowy mountains, with a broken leg - that was a death sentence if he's ever heard one. Were they both depressed? He doubted it, Caelan didn't come off like he was. Was his blood boiling already? Ronan wasn't sure, but his fellow noble seemed like he liked acting immature and all in all as if this world meant nothing to him if he couldn't conquer it his own way - if he couldn't at least taste freedom. "You are trying to learn and then you mess that up, that I understand." As noble as they were, wasn't this stupid? Well, not as stupid as him, laying here and waiting for all the blood to trickle out of his body, but no matter how deep he cut, he always woke up again - surprisingly, at that. "More like sick, frail and inexperienced and biting off more than I can chew. I'm not untouchable and for one, I'm fed up with everyone viewing me through a distorted lense", he almost hissed. Some things never sad well with him, but this was something that was known to piss him off, regardless of who mentioned it. "Then I'm guessing he'll die trying to prove to you he's the stronger one. Unless he actually grows out of it, but I doubt it."
      Looking back, it maybe is like the toy carts you rode when you were a kid. But those toy carts could never go beyond the walls of the lawn. We want to follow the rugged concrete road beyond the wall. As we've grown, we've decided to leave behind the toy cart.

    • "No I'm not saying you're frail. I just don't want you to get hurt and I could be hurt in the process just as easy. It's one thing to get myself in trouble and another one to get you in trouble or hurt. If I break my leg because I'm stupid, then that's that, if you broke yours, or even just only a finger, I'd feel guilty and I don't want to push you to do stupid things. You're supposed to be the smart one, right?", he asked with a smile, he never viewed Ronan as weak and the fellow noble seemed to be the one that anticipated everyone to do that from the getgo. "If you want to join me climb a mountain or take a walk, cross a river, I don't know, I'm glad to do all those things with you, I don't think you're weak, would I have asked you to fight in the tournament if I did? I don't like beating up people that will obviously loose, so I never thought you wouldn't stand a chance. So if I'm not viewing myself as a weakling and I consider you to be a worthy opponent, you are not a weakling to me as well.", he concluded. "I can't stop you being stupid, but as much as I don't worry for myself, I worry for you instead."

      "I'm really not. I don't try to die and I will fight to survive. If I should break my leg while I'm alone climbing a mountain then I'd not accept it. I'd try to crawl home and live. If there is no chance of surviving a jump down a cliff, I won't do it, but I also don't give up easily. Crossing Fhaergus mountains in winter is dangerous and many that tried never returned but it is not impossible, so I ought to try it sometime. If I make it to the other side, I have a story to tell and I'd be stronger than before. I like to challenge myself as long as I can win.", he explained. No, he wasn't trying to die but if there was no danger at all, sometimes he just got bored, it was nothing special and spending time with Cameron ha raised Caelans fear level quite a bit. "Are you sure that's not only what you think people see in you? I'm pretty confident that I have more physical strength than you do, but that doesn't mean I'd win a fight, I don't know what you have up your sleeve. Being physical strong doesn't mean that much and when I carry something for you or when I'm getting water from the nearby stream, I don't do it because I don't think you can, I just like doing work for you, because I like you." Caelan smiled again, shook his head and looked at Ronan. "I won't let Cameron die. We're both stupid, but we help each other out of the messes we create."

    • "And what if I want to break a leg? I don't want to be sheltered and protected all my life, I'm not supposed to - I can take care of my own problems, even if I worry you", Ronan sneered yet gain. This conversation wasn't going to end all that well, at least it didn't seem like it would and what was he going to do about it? Probably nothing, except get mad at Caelan for opening his mouth and wanting to protect him, or take care of him. Why was he like this, anyway? What was he trying to prove to someone else or even himself? Was he trying to become someone he wasn't, or even understand that he tried to be someone he just wasn't cut out or supposed to be? "Why worry about someone like me, then? Worry about yourself, not about someone like me, of all people. Someone that wants to disappear anyway." This was the wrong moment to bring up his own problems, to talk about all of his insecurities and try to get a feeling for why, exactly, he was trying so damn hard to understand what it was that kept him going all this time. "You know what? I'll just beat you to the pulp during the next tournament, maybe I'll feel better about all of this by then."

      Even if he died trying to get one scar, something that reminded him that he wasn't an useless weakling, then he'd accept it. Maybe Caelan was right, maybe he'd rather be invincible than frail, but having a body like his and not a single scar to show for his battle prowess only screamed something else, something that Ronan had grown tired of hearing. "You are only going to get yourself killed like that, especially if you keep insisting that you must challenge yourself, you know?" Because, in the end, they all were only human and no matter how many of them one could kill, they'd also kill themselves along the way if they kept on trying to prove something that nobody bore witness to. "Have you heard anyone ever say that I'm not frail or weak, sick even? They all think that I'll die if I just lift a sword", he sighed and then, finally, decided that his mood had been soured enough and that his facial expression was showing too much. "You like doing things for me and I'm not complaining about that, but what I do complain about is, that essentially nobody cares who or what I really am - I'm just a sick noble that won't live long enough to succeed his mother", but he wasn't. He never had been to begin with. "That's what friends are for, I'm guessing. Then don#t try to get yourself killed alongside him."
      Looking back, it maybe is like the toy carts you rode when you were a kid. But those toy carts could never go beyond the walls of the lawn. We want to follow the rugged concrete road beyond the wall. As we've grown, we've decided to leave behind the toy cart.

    • "Trust me you don't want that. I don't want to break my bones either, it just happens sometimes, not very often, gladly. Being brave and being stupid are two different things, you aren't stupid, are you?", Caelan asked, looking at the man he wanted to protect but that didn't want that at all. It had nothing to do with Ronan being weak or frail, Caelan would have protected anyone, he did protect anyone that needed it, that was in danger. He also tried to protect Cameron if it was needed and he very much could look after himself. "You've picked the wrong person if you don't want protection, from nature, from wild animals, or your father. You've been saying you rather read than go outside, why would you start getting yourself in trouble, only because you know me? Just be yourself, you certainly don't have to prove anything to me." Caelan sat up a little bit so he could look at Ronan who started to run his mouth seemingly without thinking too much. "I worry about you because I have feelings for you, you idiot!", Caelan answered him with a firm voice, without averting his gaze for only a second. "Then try your best, I won't hold back."

      "Maybe I do, but I have someone to return to now, don't I? I won't just leave you alone.", Caelan promised. He wasn't trying to kill himself, he never did, but he did want to get stronger, although there was no real reason to. They had no war and they didn't have to survive on their own, but this was just who Caelan of Fhaergus was. "I haven't heard a lot of people talking about you anyway. Why do you even care what they think? There's always people talking shit about you, so what? They are idiots and their opinion doesn't matter. Why do you let yourself be controlled by people you don't even know?" Ronan wasn't weak and if they'd always listen to every stupid rumor running around, they would never stop doubting themselves. There was always someone hating them for just being richer, or more powerful than them, so what? "I care about you. I get to know you right now, don't I? And I like you the way you are right now!"

    • "Maybe I want to be stupid for once, how about that?", Ronan sighed, knowing fully well that no, he wasn't and that he'd hate himself for even trying to do something as stupid. In reality, nothing ever mattered, only the world around him did and the truth was, this was the end of it all. Eventually, he'd have to realize for himself that there was nothing, not even a spec of dust, that could change something or anything about him - or the way that people perceived him. He was the heir of Alster, the to-be duke and nothing could change that, except his death, or exile, if his father would be generous enough. "I think because I want to show you, show others, that I'm every bit as capable of doing things as the great Caelan of Fhaergus is and not just some senseless worm that only is able to follow his fathers orders", he sighed, knowing well enough that maybe, just maybe, he didn't have to prove anything to Caelan of all people, but he wanted to prove to himself - to his father - that he knew who he was and who he wanted to be. "Didn't you just say I'm not stupid? Mind you, I appreciate your feelings and you, as you are - I don't know what I'd do without you, if I'm terribly honest", he mused and then, without even uttering a single warning, let himself fall to the side so his head could rest on Caelans shoulder.

      "Then do me a favor and just take care whenever you are about to do something incredibly stupid, like trying to beat me in the upcoming tournament", Ronan was - again - biting off more than he could chew and it showed, but he never wanted to admit just that. Whatever the truth may be that was so prone on haunting him, he shrugged it off for now and just wanted to be here, wanted to be with Caelan and forget about all those hardships that the world had for him. "Public opinions are important, whether they are true or not and whether I know the people ushering them or not. After all, I'm nothing more than a young lord, I have to leave an impression - any, at that - and the current consensus is that I might, in theory, be a good duke but I won't be one that will rally his troops on the battlefield." Not that Darragh did it either, but he had and his general excuse for such things was widely accepted - after all, what would Alster do without their duke if their duchess was preoccupied with other nonsense? But enough about them, about his parents and enough about all those things he didn't even want to know about - wasn't this about him and Caelan? "You like me pissed off and doubting myself? Might as well phrase that better", he chuckled, cuddled up to Caelan just a tad bit more. "I like you too and yet, you can be pretty stubborn."
      Looking back, it maybe is like the toy carts you rode when you were a kid. But those toy carts could never go beyond the walls of the lawn. We want to follow the rugged concrete road beyond the wall. As we've grown, we've decided to leave behind the toy cart.

    • "Well I can't exactly stop you, but I will ask you if you really have thought about it.", Caelan simply said. What should he do? Tie Ronan up to keep him from doing the same stupid things he was doing himself? That would be just stupid. "The great Caelan of Fhaergus isn't even that great. I've won some tournaments but there isn't much more that people know of. I'm not doing shit with Cameron so people notice me, though I will admit that sometimes I do something just to piss of my father.", Caelan answered, now moving a hand to Ronans chin, softly turning his head towards his own. "You are you and I am me, there is no need to aspire what I can do. I won't stop you if this is your way, but... you don't have to follow my footsteps, you know?" Ronan seemed angry and Caelan was surprised he himself kept calm like this, who was he to lecture Ronan though? "You were doing fine without a few days ago, didn't you?", Caelan asked with a slight grin and looked at Ronan, as soon as his head landed on his shoulder. Caelan wrapped one arm around him and just held him.

      "I will take care, don't worry. Also if I can choose between time with you and time with Cameron, I'd always choose you, you know?" Calean started chuckling a little bit. "Should I withdraw when facing you? Almighty Ronan of Alster?", he asked jokingly, at least Ronan still was up for jokes after all this. "Well the consensus is that I will fail miserably in my future job, but I don't care. I will do my best when the time arises and that's all there is to it.We are not at war, so I doubt you need to lead an army, but I'm also sure you could if you wanted to." Maybe Caelan was worried a little bit he'd do a bad job at being duke, but frowning over it didn't help, so he ignored all that talk and would deal with the situation when it arose. "I... no, you Idiot. You're twisting my words.", Caelan retaliated now also wrapping his second arm around Ronan, holding him close. "I am, you'll need to learn to deal with it."

    • "Do I need to think if I want to be stupid for a second?", he asked yet again, knowing fully well that he probably should be careful about what he was doing and not just try to get a scar or two. He was reckless, hopeless enough to find out what he could and couldn't do himself, but until now, he hadn't died and once he did, maybe he'd finally find peace because he'd proven something, anything, to this world. "Pissing my father off is always a good idea, but at least you got your chance to join and shine in tournaments and here I am, nothing more than a rebellious but sad sack of bones and flesh", Ronan complained, knowing all too well that this wasn't going to take him anywhere, that he should settle for what he had already and that he didn't need to be someone else - never. "I don't want to follow in your footsteps, I just don't want to be who I am right now - I'm pretty sure that isn't me, that that shouldn't be me." Was he anything more than sour and bitter about falling through so many holes in this worlds rules, or was it anything else that plagued him? "I had received them beforehand, so not really."

      In the end, it all culminated in him, feeling hopeless and as if he wasn't worth anything, not even the blondes attention or his immediate love. Ronan of Alster was a menace, maybe even a force to be reckoned with, but in the end, nothing of that truly mattered, not when he'd constantly have to prove that he was trying more than just his best. "Good to know, but don't say anything you might regret later. I can't guarantee that I'm as fun as Cameron is", simply because he wasn't - he'd run out of topics to talk about eventually. "Do whatever you want as long as you don't piss me off", he sighed, knowing fully well that he should force himself to be in a better mood, but no, this topic had soured his mood completely and even trying to force himself to do anything else felt miserable. "I'm pretty sure I'll just get myself killed - just because I want to do something doesn't mean I'm capable of it, but I'd like to be." Wasn't he just reliving his very own trauma right now? "Am I? Didn't you just call me an idiot again?" Whatever it was, he cuddled up to the blonde in the end. "And you'll have to deal with me, so I guess we're even."
      Looking back, it maybe is like the toy carts you rode when you were a kid. But those toy carts could never go beyond the walls of the lawn. We want to follow the rugged concrete road beyond the wall. As we've grown, we've decided to leave behind the toy cart.

    • "Ronan... where does this come from all of a sudden?", Caelan finally asked. He wasn't sure what they argued about or why, he wasn't in a position to tell Ronan what he could do and what not, but though he only knew him a few days, being reckless didn't seem like something he was, it didn't seem like him and so Caelan wondered why he wanted to be that way all of a sudden. "You know... anyone can join the tournaments, but why would that help in any regard? My father for one doesn't like me there anyway. I don't fight in them to piss him off though, or to gain fame, I just like doing it, fighting and seeing what others can do. I don't exactly know what it is you really want. Do you?" Caelan wasn't sure how to handle this situation, in the end Ronan could do whatever he wanted, but did he really want to fight in a tournament or jump off a bridge? What was the benefit? "What's wrong with who you are now?", he asked and he wasn't sure if Ronan even knew how he wanted to be.

      "I have plenty of fun with you since we're together and I can't stand the thought of leaving you. I'm pretty sure I want to see you again as soon as I leave you.", he explained. He also liked spending time with Cameron, but it didn't hurt to be apart from him, not like it did with Ronan. "Hey, come on... where did your smile go?", he asked, slowly moving his hand towards Ronans head to run his fingers through his hair as if to calm him down. "It's not like you can't learn things or train, just don't push it too far too fast and you can do anything you want." Wasn't this what Caelan was doing? He wasn't born strong and a good fighter and he wasn't born to withstand the cold like he did, true his genes may help a little, but he also trained his body with every second he spent in Fhaergus mountains. No one could just change from one moment to the either, if Ronan wanted to become stronger, he needed to be patient and disciplined. "You are an idiot sometimes! Sorry to break it to you."

    • "I'm more insecure than I let on, I guess", he snarled, almost as if he was - in fact - an animal that felt very much threatened by the mere presence of Caelan, who he'd even consider a friend under normal circumstances. Right now, he felt out of it, as if he himself was to blame for the bad mood he was finding himself in right now and that was, maybe, partially true - he breached upon topics that they shouldn't be talking about, at all. "I ... wish I knew. Maybe I just want to be more like someone that I think my father would at least respect, or strong enough to stand up for myself, but I'm neither. I'm just talking myself into things and I'm not as confident as I'd like to be", he sighs, his gaze fixated on the ceiling instead and the words that Caelan was, in fact, uttering felt like they'd be drowned out soon enough. What was this, if not hell on earth and what was this, if not the truth he had to live with? Maybe he should have just ended it sooner than later and given up on it all, sooner than later. "What if I don't want to be who I am? There isn't much to like about me to begin with."

      What if he aspired to be like Caelan because, in the end, Caelan was at least someone that somehow could stand up against his father? Was this mere admiration for his looks, for his body, for his skills or was this love, regardless of what he was thinking about right now? "At least that feeling is mutual between the two of us", but there was more than that, if even the mere thought of having to see Caelan go home tugged at his heartstrings. Who in their right mind got to know a guy and then, without much of a warning, hunkered down in a cabin in the woods with said guy? "Smiling isn't my default state, you know?" In reality, Ronan was much more prone to crying, to wincing and maybe even forgetting who or what he could be at times. That he hadn't smiled in a good, long and genuine time wasn't lie, but Caelan had dragged all of it out of him so seamlessly. Ronan leaned into Caelans touch for a second, but immediately burried his face in his shoulder afterward, whyever that was. "I know, I know. We all are, sometimes that is." He wasn't mad, actually ... did he feel sad? Probably just a bit.
      Looking back, it maybe is like the toy carts you rode when you were a kid. But those toy carts could never go beyond the walls of the lawn. We want to follow the rugged concrete road beyond the wall. As we've grown, we've decided to leave behind the toy cart.

    • "I can see that, though I think there is no reason to.", Caelan answered with a slight smile, his eyes however led on that he in fact was a little bit worried about Ronan. "Forget your father, you don't have to please him, at some point he'll be old and alone and you are duke of Alster, the best there ever was at that and showing him, that his fighting experience means nothing, that you can do better and are in fact the best son he could ever wish for. It's his fault for not seeing that. As for standing up to him, I'm sure you're able to learn that, but truth be told, I'm mostly running away from my own father as well." Caelan tried to cheer Ronan up, but apparently he didn't do a very good job, he didn't know him well enough to know what to say, but he knew he didn't want to hear Ronan talking himself down like that. "You didn't answer my question, but okay. You can always change if you want to, though I think there is plenty to like about you, but if you need help, just say the word."

      "Well then we should keep up with the fun, instead of frowning all the time, I thought we had established a smile routine already!", Caelan joked, trying to lighten up the mood, but not sure if it worked. Getting him to smile the first time around wasn't that hard, keeping him smiling shouldn't be either, right? But he refrained from tickling Ronan again, instead he just held him tight, not quite surre what he was supposed to do. "What? I'm never an idiot! You're calling me stupid? I'd beat you in a game f chess any time!", he kepft joking and laughed a little bit. That was a lie, he would probably loose any chess match, since he wasn't even sure about the rules. he never played it, so why would he know stuff about it?

    • "Just because you don't see it doesn't mean it isn't there", Ronan sighed, knowing fully well that he was talking to a brick wall anyway - and that said brick wall was nothing more than a fellow noble that he shouldn't be looking at like he was, in fact, doing. "I'd take your advice to heart, but just running away from him, his punishment and all those words he likes to throw at my head isn't going to be enough one day - at some point it'll end up not helping me. I try to do what I can, but sometimes my best isn't good enough." In reality, Ronan didn't have much or even enough time for certain things, namely standing up for himself or keeping his head free of malice - he knew he shouldn't be doing this, knew he shouldn't bow to his father and yet he did. There was nothing he could change about Darragh, but maybe there was something he could change about himself, as long as he tried to do it - or at least made an attempt at it. "I don't even know if I need help. No, wait. I do need help and I know with what I want help, but it seems impossible to pull off."

      "Not in the mood for smiling, sorry", he groaned and continued to hide that face of his in the blondes shoulder. He didn't expect to feel so miserable so easily, but somehow, he did manage just that with a few words of his own. The hands around him felt nice, Caelans embrace felt nice and being cherished for once wasn't so bad. "I'm not calling you stupid, just saying that I'm pretty much convinced that you probably don't really know how a chessboard even looks like, or do you?", he asked, almost mockingly. Of course, this was nothing more than a joke, he didn't take his lover for someone that dumb, but he should try his best to actually lighten the mood, too, shouldn't he? Whatever it was that he tried however, he'd not be met with a lot of acceptance, at least from people that weren't Caelan of Fhaergus. "You know, sometimes it's just hard to take everything into account and shut up when someone needs me to. It'd be much easier to be a peasant that has a purpose, however much he may despise it." Living in lavish and luxury could be hard, but who would rightfully complain about that?
      Looking back, it maybe is like the toy carts you rode when you were a kid. But those toy carts could never go beyond the walls of the lawn. We want to follow the rugged concrete road beyond the wall. As we've grown, we've decided to leave behind the toy cart.

    • "I'm not saying you should run away, just saying that I'm doing nothing but that. I don't want to deal with my father, I don't want to be in the same room with him. I know how it feels to be pushed away, to be looked at like you're the biggest failure out there and I know how it is to get told that you're useless. Even when he doesn't say it, I know what he thinks, I hear his voice in my head and so I actually do run away, outside on a mountain, or to Cameron. My father makes me angry and I don't want to be, so I spend as little time as possible with him, even leaving without my bag, because he insisted on me traveling in the same carriage as my parents all the way to Lavern. I'm not saying that is the best solution, but you seem to keep thinking that it's so much easier if you only got stronger. You don't have to be reckless like me, or break a leg doing something stupid, that's all I'm saying. Standing up for myself, telling my father that he should stop never helped me and it would only prove his point if I got violent. Maybe your father is different, that's just my experience, but I guess if he just hates who you are, it might as well get worse, just consider that.", Caelan answered and probably had said way too much. He didn't want to tell Ronan what to do, but he pretty much believed that there wasn't actually anything that helped because that was his experience with his own father. "Nothing is impossible, just tell me.", Caelan said, even if it was, now he was curious.

      Caelan wrapped his arms around Ronan even tighter and moved one hand over his back to calm him down and to show him that he was here for him. There wasn't much help he could offer, but at least he could listen and maybe he should in fact stop talking so much and just agree to him, maybe that was what he needed. But how could he, when in fact he liked him just the way he was, what if he didn't like Ronan should he change? "Black and white squares on a bigger square.", Caelan answered with a smile. "I'm the wrong person to tell you to just speak up, but... you're right. The life of a peasant is in some ways easier and I for one do not feel very noble anyway. Though I guess they can have unbearable fathers too."

    • Love was, in fact, a mass of contradictions and if one were to factor in all of them, said love wouldn't look as appealing anymore. In the end, Ronan had nowhere to go, had nothing to hold onto, but he could do what he needed to, as well as he should. It was his duty to become the Duke of Alster at some point and other than that, right now, it was his duty to not only appeal to his father, but also take care of what would be his country, wasn't it? "I don't know if I can just ignore him, or look for a way out of his grasp. I can't even tell you if I'll be capable of finding a way out of my predicament. The only thing I can, in fact, do is try my best and then see where it takes me", he sighed, fully aware that Caelan was only trying to lighten up his mood - the one he'd spoiled all by himself, all so suddenly. For that, he deserved more than the world and yet, Ronan could give him only so much, could give him nothing more than himself and maybe, just maybe, a few words of encouragement that would go a long way, would he ever need them. "Are you sure? Or are you just trying to make the impossible possible because you think the world bends to your will if you get aggressive enough?"

      Right here, right now, he felt not only at home but also as if the world and all of the things surrounding it didn't matter, as if Caelan was all he needed and the rest of it was, more or less, just window dressing that helped to get the point across. Truth be told, he knew exactly what he'd be doing if the blonde wasn't here with him, especially if he was despairing about topics like these again, all alone in a cabin in the woods - his death could be swift and quick, if only he actually had time to pull through with it. "Is it now? Well, at least you know something, then", he murmured, knowing fully well that all of this was just Caelan playing along with him and for that, he rubbed his face against his lovers shoulder, instead of pushing him away. "We're both nothing more than a sorry excuse for nobles and we are, very much, just bound to our duties and the things we are deemed to be capable of. I, for my part at least, just don't know enough about myself or my father to judge all of this, or to find out how to please him, but in the end, I don't think it matter, does it?"
      Looking back, it maybe is like the toy carts you rode when you were a kid. But those toy carts could never go beyond the walls of the lawn. We want to follow the rugged concrete road beyond the wall. As we've grown, we've decided to leave behind the toy cart.