sinbound. [Akira & Earinor] [ENG]

    • Ronan seemed relieved seeing Caelan after so many weeks, why was there nothing else to do besides this sole event now? Caelan had thought about just visiting Ronan more than once, but he didn't want to cause him any trouble, so he didn't and instead patiently waited for this exact moment. Only now there were so many people, Caelan couldn't even hug Ronan after all this time. Those slight brush was nothing in comparison to what he actually wanted to do, though they'd at least have some time, wouldn't they? Spotting Ronan at least was easy, easier than for Ronan to spot Caelan apparently, but Ronan was small and whereas Caelan could overlook pretty much the whole room with his height, Ronan couldn't, just seeing arms and chests of random nobles. At least they were hidden from Darraghs eyes with all those people around, obstructing the view.

      "Hm, he'll figure it out eventually, at least I don't want to hide away all the time, we could watch the fights together, you know?", he asked and knowing Ronans father, Caelan was pretty sure Darragh watched too, wasn't that his thing or something? Maybe he was at least a little happy his son attended this tournament, though he'd have to prove himself probably, that sounded like more stress than the last tournament, but they had missed that - not this time though. "Mhm sure, your father will be proud if you strike down the Fhaergus nuisance.", Caelan joked and noticed that Ronan, albeit the first relieve of seeing Caelan again, now fell apart like a house of cards, being surrounded by all those people watching him. "I still don't know where my room is at, so... you could show me, after all I want to know where I'm gonna sleep tonight...", he answered with a grin and a somewhat cunning voice. He also wasn't scared about anyone getting what he was saying, it was so loud in here, no one cared about some little words flying around and getting swept away by all the others. Caelan finally grabbed Ronans wrist to drag him through the crowd and to the staircase leading upstairs. He'd done that before, that wasn't anything suspicious, was it?

    • Now that he was the one that had been found by the blonde, his whole world seemed to be in one piece again - but it only lead to the anxiety rising, after he'd staved it off so well. Whenever he was in large crowds, it almost felt like all those eyes were plastered on him and digging themselves into his skin like knives, made to sever tissue in bone rather than just pierce flesh. It was awful to be on display like that and even Caelans presence wasn't enough to ward that uncanny feeling off, to save him the shiver running down his spine, cold and icy, unpleasant at best. What would he give to bury himself in Caelans presence, in the only sunshine he needed and what would he need, if not something like that? Wasn't it only a matter of time until his legs gave out and until he would give up, or was this simply just a task he couldn't perform because his body didn't want him to just sink to his knees because he was among a few people and couldn't stand it? In the end, he'd have prefered if there wasn't an uncomfortable knot in his stomach and if he hadn't felt as horrible as he did, but there was no chance to change that now.

      "We could, you're right about that, unless he wants me to watch them with him ... which I doubt he would, so why not? I don't really care if he sees us together, what is he going to do? Break my arm for making friends?", he joked, his whispers carried away from amidst the crowd they were standing in. Ronan of Alster had no place in this world and the one he'd gotten was one he didn't even want - and yet he wasn't sure if he wanted to give it away or make it his own, like it had belonged to him in the first place. "We'll see if I can actually manage that and if I don't, I don't mind. At least I lost against you, not someone else." Whatever it was, his father would take issue with it and yet, Ronan didn't know if he even cared enough about his fathers reaction to warrant it any attention. "Alright then, I'll show you to your room, Lord Caelan of Fhaergus", he merely joked and wanted to take the lead, but instead, he was grabbed by the blonde and dragged along - his hand felt like it was going to come off and the burning in his wrist bubbled back up. "Agh ... Caelan, gentler, please", he almost mewled, defeated by his own stupidity - and yet they walked up the stairs together and he was pretty sure that white gloves were a stupid idea. After that, he actually just ignored the stinging in his wrist - after all, he had endured worse - and showed the blonde to his room, opened the door and checked if anyone was around, which - thankfully - wasn't the case. "That should be your room, I hope you do like it", the noble remarked as he closed the door behind them and as soon as he did, hugged Caelan - he didn't want to let go.
      Looking back, it maybe is like the toy carts you rode when you were a kid. But those toy carts could never go beyond the walls of the lawn. We want to follow the rugged concrete road beyond the wall. As we've grown, we've decided to leave behind the toy cart.

    • "I can't promise we'll be alone, I bet Cameron sticks around, but I'd want you to sit next to me and when it's your turn, I'll cheer you on.", Caelan smiled, that was his plan at least. He wasn't sure what the matching was and how many people attended, but they'd have to fight their way trough to actually fight against each other probably. Wouldn't it be kind of awesome to fight Ronan in the finale? Most of the times either Caelan or Cameron fought in it... well he wouldn't want Cameron to get that pleasure though. "You'll have to actually fight some other people before you can fight me, probably... and you have to win, alright? Do your best and I'll do the same!", he laughed, cheering Ronan up hopefully. This was what Caelan wanted and he felt good while fighting and being watched by oh so many people, now even Ronan would watch him, or maybe he did before? Who knew.

      While Caelan was dragging Ronan along he looked back, kind of loosening the grip around Ronans wrist. "Huh...?", he just said a little bit confused, his grip wasn't as tight, was it? Well sometimes he didn't quite know his strength. "Sorry...", he mumbled and after reaching the staircase, there was no need to hold Ronan any longer anyway, there were not many people and they'd not loose each other so easily. After arriving by Caelans room, with his belongings already brought here by some servants, Caelan stepped in. Ronan closed the door and Caelan immediately felt his arms wrapped around his body. Caelan smiled and put one hand on Ronans hair to caress him softly, the other one he used to press Ronan against his own body even tighter. "I've missed you...", he whispered, would they be able to share a room tonight, like at the event in Lavern? He didn't even expect anything, he just wanted to spend time with Ronan and hold him in his arms. When he looked down on Ronan however, he noticed something red on his fingertips, though not much. Was that blood? Not his at least. "Ronan... are you bleeding?"

    • "I'll endure Camerons nagging if I can have you to myself tonight, how about that? And of course I'll cheer for you, too." Caelan brought out the best in him and Ronan could do nothing more than to accept that - after all, they belonged to one another and just being close to the blonde right here, right now, felt like his heart was going to pound all the way out of his chest. In the end, that was very much what he wanted - to feel warm, to feel loved and Caelan was the one giving him all that, even if they were about to - hopefully - cross their blades in this silly little tournament of theirs. "I'll just beat them to the pulp, I didn't train for nothing after all! I want to beat you!" This was all honest and Ronan couldn't imagine why he wouldn't be able to come out on top, but then again, his wrists were hurting and the cuts were deep, but they at least had started to heal, just a bit. For now, it was alright to just try and do his best, no? And when he'd made his father happy, he'd be able to just give up at some point - even though he wanted to beat Caelan, really bad too.

      Now they were here, he could once again bask in the blondes warmth and be held tight - he didn't want to ever let go again, not once. If those weeks apart had told him something, then it was that he was weak and unable to live without the blonde from here on out, lest he'd be torn to shreds by his own yearning for more than just simple touches and some warmth. "No need to, maybe I'm just oversensitive when it comes to being grabbed like that", he wasn't and that was a lie, all to cover up the obvious. Did he even want to show Caelan what he'd done, did he even want to lay his actual sins bare and present to him what all the loneliness, the anxiety and the hatred in his stomach had made him do while his mind raced without end, thought about things that would never happen? "I've missed you, too - I want nothing more than to be with you, forever." All of this sounded stupid, sounded like it had been a fact for a while now - and despite that, they didn't know each other for that long. Ronan was just holding onto what he could grasp, wasn't he? Maybe he could sneak Caelan into his room, just for one night, to not feel exhausted and lonely any longer. "Bleeding?", he asked, confused, as he peered up, expecting to see something - but he already felt it, felt the warm liquid pooling at his wrist and slowly running down his arm. "I ... probably. I injured myself while I was training for the tournament and ... I thought it was healing already, but I don't think so", he mumbled, before he let go of Caelan with the hand in question and looked at that glove of his - that definitely wasn't healing, instead his was being soaked up by his sleeve and glove. "But ... it's not too bad, so don't worry. It's something minor." Ronan had brought the hand up to his face to see, so ... better not show it to Caelan, right?
      Looking back, it maybe is like the toy carts you rode when you were a kid. But those toy carts could never go beyond the walls of the lawn. We want to follow the rugged concrete road beyond the wall. As we've grown, we've decided to leave behind the toy cart.

    • "If we're doing good, maybe we'll fight in the finale tomorrow.", Caelan chuckled and before that they'd spend a night together maybe, in one of those two rooms, alone and cuddling until the sun rose, wouldn't that be nice? They wouldn't fight as enemies anyway, so it was fine and they'd probably encourage or tease each other before they crossed blades in the end... but he thought so far ahead, maybe they'd lose before that even happened. Ronan needed to be careful about Cameron, in fact Caelan hoped he was the one to fight his way past him and to have Ronan in another group. This time Caelan had a clear reason to win, it wasn't only fun to fight against Cameron. "So you trained, huh?", Caelan asked almost proud, patting Ronans head slowly. He wondered if he did what Caelan had suggested before they parted ways, though he didn't even know how strong Ronan had been a few weeks ago anyway.

      The hut would be preferable to this, Caelan had no problem with many people, but the fact that he couldn't touch Ronan here was annoying to say the least. Still, they could spend time together and that was better than being apart. They had to use their time, after all in a few days Caelan had to travel home again. Caelan felt the need to grab Ronan even tighter and hold him to never let go again, but only minutes after meeting Ronan again after so long he had to worry again. "While you were training? You're being clumsy again...", Caelan said and slowly grabbed Ronans hand to hold it softly in his and move it so he could better see it. For now however he just noticed the bandage peeking out between Ronans sleeve and the glove he also wore. Whatever it was, it wasn't bleeding too much, but enough to soak the white fabric. "I'm sorry...", he said again, he did this just now, right? Because he didn't pay attention. "Have you showed it to a doctor? Maybe it needs to be sewn together... let me take a look.", he asked. Caelan knitted his brows in worry and looked at Ronan insistently, though for now he only slowly rolled up Ronans sleeve to clear his view onto the bandage, at least they should change them.

    • "And then I get to beat you like I told you I would, I can hardly wait", he chuckled. In the end, he was going to lose his mind instead, especially if he was being watched by all those people. Ronan could hardly contain himself when the anxiety bubbled up in his stomach and there was nothing to set that right - he was, after all, a slave of his very own design and pretty much whatever a father would want in a son - an obedient little pet that did whatever his father wanted from him. Right now, however, this wasn't at all what Darragh would want - to hold and love a man his age, to be nothing more than the useless son that his father thought he was. "Well, you told me I should, so I did. It was refreshing, but I was restless too", he sighed. In the end, did he really have time to calm down and rest these past few weeks or was his mind busy running around in cycles, making his life in the waking world hell? It sure as hell did. Right here, right now, this was what the world revolved around and his thoughts occupied by bittersweet poison - his love for Caelan.

      Would they have time to run away from this damn place during this event? Actually, Ronan doubted that he'd even get to sleep in the same bed as the blonde he'd yearned for for so long. Wasn't their situation just a sad one? They were so terribly close to one another, yet so far apart from each other and in the end, there wasn't much more for them to do than bask in those days they had together before they'd have to part ways again. "I know. Let me be clumsy, alright?", he mumbled into the blondes chest where he intended to continue to hide his face for days to come if he could, simply to take in all the warmth he could - Ronan wanted nothing more, wanted to be with his lover indefinitely and yet he was painfully aware of the fact that he wouldn't ever be able to. "No need to be, it's my own fault", he sighed, knowing fully well that he'd brought divine punishment upon himself for all of this. "It ... I haven't and I doubt you'd need to sew that, it's not that bad", he soon argued, knowing that by the way Caelan was talking and holding his hand, this wasn't going to end well, was it? "Alright, I'll show you", he complied in the end, getting help with rolling up that sleeve of his. Ronan took the glove off of his hand and then searched for the loose piece of bandage, unwrapped the entire thing and he felt like he'd done something he shouldn't, felt the sting in his wrist and the blood that seeped from the wound almost immediately - it looked gnarly and it was a clean cut, too. This wasn't convincing and it hurt, horribly. "See? It's not that bad!"
      Looking back, it maybe is like the toy carts you rode when you were a kid. But those toy carts could never go beyond the walls of the lawn. We want to follow the rugged concrete road beyond the wall. As we've grown, we've decided to leave behind the toy cart.

    • Caelan was pretty sure Ronan was much more nervous than he let on and he hoped it wouldn't cause him to loose too soon. "Don't be nervous, alright? Only think of your opponent... and maybe me, because I'm cheering you on from the sides, if that helps.", Caelan smiled. He had the feeling he'd say something like that before every fight Ronan would have to get through, of course there was a crowd watching, maybe even his father and when the Alster sprout that never fought before, that was supposed to be sickly and weak fought, a lot of people would want to watch, especially if he made it through the first fight. It wasn't important who watched though, not for Ronan, he needed to forget it. Caelan himself didn't mind the crowd while Cameron was all about it, indulging in the cheers he received and the giggles of some girls he winked at. Caelan concentrated on the task at hand and his opponent, gifting him every thought for the fight, he thought that was the right thing to do after all.

      "I don't want you to get hurt...", Caelan murmured, looking at Ronan as he sighed. "I'm still sorry I didn't pay attention." Caelan already knew where this was going, didn't he? But he hoped it would turn out differently and his boyfriend was incredibly clumsy after all. "not that bad? It's bleeding after a simple grab...", Caelan answered watching Ronan give way and remove the bandage from his wrist. As soon as Caelan saw that wound his heart skipped for a moment and he felt like he had a knot in his stomach, but for now he only grabbed the wound pad that had been beneath the bandage and pressed it back on the bleeding cut to stop the blood from dripping out of Ronans body. "You can't fight like this...", Caelan remarked, worried of course, his mouth felt try yet he had to gulp down the lump in his throat, while he looked at his fingers pressing on the bleeding wrist of his boyfriend. "Did you think I wouldn't notice...? Don't bother lying about things like that...", Caelan murmured hiding his eyes behind his hair. He was used to smile all the time, no matter what he thought or what he felt, but with Ronan around keeping up the act was difficult, more so because he was honestly scared, a feeling he usually didn't feel that much. What was he supposed to say now? Or do... Ronan didn't seem like he'd back out of this tournament.

    • The cat was out of the bag - Ronan of Alster had lost before he had even started. He barely could fight like this, that was right, but he didn't want to show this to anyone, didn't need to get it stitched up and he most certainly didn't need Caelan to tell him what was wrong and what was right, did he? "I'll ... try my best", was the only answer he could give, much more focused on what he'd shown Caelan than what was unfolding in those words that they shared, of the hypothetical tournament that he was supposed to be a part of. Would he even manage to hold one of those damn swords, was there even a chance for him to hold his own against someone that fought with less thinking and much more brute strength than he did? Who knew, the eyes that lay on him alone were going to be a problem, as well as their spectators words that felt so clear and obvious in that moment - Ronan thought that he wouldn't die from bleeding out, but rather he was certain he'd die from trying too much, too hard, too fast and being overwhelmed by all the attention he was going to be given. The heir of Alster, the sick and weak kid that barely ever showed his face, was going to try and win a tournament and while he was trying to, countless other nobles would tear him apart verbally.

      "I know you don't", he mumbled, ashamed of himself already. The only way out of this would have been that he'd have had to kill himself two days ago, or not have cut open his wrists at all, but now he was standing here, together with Caelan and felt like his own stomach was going to turn in on itself. "You couldn't have known, I didn't tell you and I wore gloves, there's no chance for you to see it like that", there only was a chance to feel it and even then, it would have been bandages he could have chalked up to something else, not much more. Who was he, if not a bad liar? "It's really not that bad, I swear", again, he was lying and trying to keep his calm while he started to feel sick to his stomach, which felt like it was sinking deeper into his body, carving a hole out of his stomach. Why did he do that? "I can't? I've had worse", he begrudgingly admitted - yet, he was only speaking the truth and not much more. This, albeit spoken among most of his lies, felt like it was the last silver of truth shining through, but he had worse - this was nothing in comparison. "I .. just. I. You don't need to know these things, right? I didn't want to bother you with something as stupid as this", he growled, still leaving his hand in Caelans care and only looking at it sporadically, averting his gaze otherwise. "After all, I don't want you to be sad if I disappear someday."
      Looking back, it maybe is like the toy carts you rode when you were a kid. But those toy carts could never go beyond the walls of the lawn. We want to follow the rugged concrete road beyond the wall. As we've grown, we've decided to leave behind the toy cart.

    • "You're an idiot...", Caelan mumbled and for a second he got angry. Angry at Ronan for doing something stupid like that, angry that he didn't even hide it well, angry that he'd thrown away what he only found, leaving Caelan all alone, after giving him a glimpse of what made him happy, tearing it away from him as if it was not a big deal, as if Ronan didn't even care. Without noticing the pressure he put on that wound pad and Ronans wrist grew stronger, while he clenched his teeth, keeping himself from saying something stupid or selfish, but they both were. Ronan was selfish for trying to kill himself, for disappearing without a second thought or good bye, without taking Caelans hand and let himself be helped, Caelan would have done anything Ronan asked him for, he'd run away with him, he'd thrown Ronans father from his stupid throne, just so Ronan had him out of his way. Caelan was selfish because he got angry, because he didn't want to comfort Ronan, but rather indulged in his self-pity, not knowing what he should do or say in such a situation. He was angry because no matter what he said, Ronan wouldn't listen and Caelan felt helpless, so helpless. And he felt bad, because for a second he thought that it may have been better to not meet Ronan, just so he could steal his heart and take it with him to the next life.

      When he noticed his grip had tightened, he quickly released it, knitting his brows even more and lowering his gaze to his feet. "Stop lying to me.", Caelan growled, he knew very well that Ronan would say anything to make this look like it was nothing. Why did he do that? Hadn't Caelan told and shown him how much he felt for him, that he'd never be alone again, that he'd safe him from whatever was haunting him? Was the laughter and smiles in that hut only for show? How much did Ronan lie about anyway? "I don't need to know? Am I your boyfriend now or not?", he asked his anger growing again instead of calming down, he looked up, looked directly at Ronan, clenching his teeth and the following words almost made him explode. "Are you stupid? I'd already be sad! If you've just been after a short break before you off yourself, you might as well have said it, or not even talked to me at all!" Caelan let go of Ronans wrist, he almost tossed it aside, he didn't want to touch him anymore. Wasn't this supposed to be something real? Apparently the blonde was the idiotic romantic people called him, in the end Ronan was nothing more than all those girls just playing with Caelan, only this time Caelan didn't do the same, he fell for him hard and to what avail? He stared in Ronans direction, his eyes frantically searching for something to hold on to, but Caelan honestly didn't know what to feel or say, or if he even wanted to be dragged further into this mess. He didn't want Ronan to die, he wanted to be close to him and he had thought Ronan wanted to same, so "Why...?", he finished his thoughts, his gaze wandering to the side. He wanted to leave, but he didn't, what if it pushed Ronan off the edge, Caelan didn't want him to die, but he was afraid of saying something he'd regret if this conversation went on and he felt like it tore him apart himself.

    • "I know", he answered pretty quickly. He was, Ronan was aware of that - he was nothing more than a depressed mess, nothing more than a mass of pain and unneccessary feelings that he'd been saddled with. Most of the time, he wanted nothing more than this to end and usually he couldn't find a way out, no matter how hard he tried. It felt like hell broke loose beneath his skin, felt as if he'd been in pain the entire time and yet it was just the way he thought it would be - Ronan knew that. Just like he knew that there was sadness bubbling up within him, that he wanted nothing more than to hide from all those words Caelan said, sharp as a knife, but he couldn't, because there simply was no time to. Noble or not, he wasn't like that and he felt the pain that came from the pressure that the blonde put on his wrist, eventually yelped from it and couldn't help himself. "Caelan, don't ... it hurts ... please", he grumbled soon thereafter, but there was no immediate release. Maybe he shouldn't have done that, should have accepted that he'd felt horrible the past few days and then moved on with his way, free of the pain that everyone was trying to saddle him with. His body ached, moreso did his wrists and yet there was nothing, except him gritting his teeth to bear the stinging pain.

      "It's not that bad, I've had worse, that isn't a lie", he grumbled into the blondes general direction, pulled his arm back to himself and used his other hand to hold the pad in place, just because he didn't want to bleed all over his shirt and the floor - it wasn't gushing out like wild, but Caelan was right, it wasn't good - this hadn't started to heal at all, no wonder he'd felt like shit the past few days. "I ... you ... you are. Look. I didn't want you to know, I didn't want to tell you and I don't want to bother you! That doesn't mean I don't love you or don't want you around, I just don't want you to think I'm just using you as an outlet or think bad about me." Ronan was weak, so incredibly weak and it showed. While his body was fine, his mind wasn't and Caelan was enough to terribly upset him - those words, his own words, were enough. "I'm ... I'm not trying to. Well, I am, but ... you're not ... you're not just some outlet to me, or something I only wanted to play with ... I just ... shouldn't have dragged you into this, you don't deserve to be hurt", he said, averting that gaze of his - he didn't want to look at Caelan, he felt like he was going to cry anyway, no matter how hard he tried to not let any tears well up in his eyes. Caelan was right and he was done being played with, played like a fiddle and yet, that hadn't even been on Ronans mind. "Why ...? I ... I think I hate myself. I hate who I am, I hate who I am supposed to be ... barely anyone likes me. I know, it's pathetic, but ... if I just disappear, I wouldn't have to deal with my father or anything else and ... everyone would just forget about me, about this failure that I am, sooner or later. It's exhausting and I didn't want to drag you into this, I didn't want to hurt you. I'm not good at anything or good for anything and everything I do, I mess up ... I'm sorry, I'm so sorry Caelan."
      Looking back, it maybe is like the toy carts you rode when you were a kid. But those toy carts could never go beyond the walls of the lawn. We want to follow the rugged concrete road beyond the wall. As we've grown, we've decided to leave behind the toy cart.

    • "I'm... I'm sorry!", Caelan said while taking a step back. The door was right behind him, surprising him as his back hit it. Caelan still was angry and sad and probably a hundred other things he couldn't name, but he didn't want to hurt Ronan, he never wanted that. That was his own fault alone, that was him when he got angry. He avoided it for so long, for years eventually and he hated the fact that Ronan brought him to be like this in mere minutes after meeting him again, not seeing what he did, having no sense for his actions or the people around him. He probably should have comforted Ronan by now, should have held him and told him that everything was fine, that he'd please not do it again or this time wrote a letter or traveled to Fhaergus to seek out Caelans help, but he couldn't bring himself to say all that, because though he probably meant it, he just was so incredibly angry, sad and disappointed over what Ronan had done in Caelans absence, so close before seeing him again. Hadn't there been any joy of seeing him ins just a few days? None at all? He still grabbed a knife an... this was merely a few days old and did not happen soon after they parted, maybe Caelan had understood it then, but not like this. He just couldn't wrap his head around it and his thoughts were jumping from one end to another, leaving him rather speechless.

      "That... doesn't make it any better!", Caelan replied. Why was Ronan like that? Why did he argue even now? Should Caelan be happy about the fact that Ronan did a worse job at killing himself than some time before? What, was he not meaning it, was he just an idiot cutting his flesh just so he felt horrible and made Caelan feel horrible too? How hard could it be to actually kill oneself? Caelan looked up while he thought about Ronans words just now. "Did you just say... you love me?", he asked surprised, but it made the whole situation even worse. "What do you think would I feel like if you'd be dead? You don't want to bother me? Well that would bother me!", he almost yelled, not spending any thought on someone who might go by outside the door or who was already listening because this was kind of interesting. "You've already dragged me into this! So take some responsibility or we'll just forget this whole stupid thing!" Caelan wasn't sure if he meant it, if he wouldn't fight for Ronan and he didn't think about the possibility that Ronan had even more reason to kill himself after hearing Caelans words and seeing that disappointed, angry and hurt look on his face. he wasn't up to cuddle him, or tell him how awesome he was, because he wouldn't take it and he wasn't right now, right now he was just some selfish little brat to Caelan. "Henry likes you! My friends like you! For fucks sake I like you and I wouldn't forget about you! You'd kill me along with you you damn idiot, you're killing me right now! Haven't I told you enough about the things I like about you? You're not even actually sorry, are you? You're sorry it didn't work out, you're sorry I did find out. If you didn't want to hurt me, why did you even try, or is this some kind of twisted cry for my attention?" Ronan did apologize didn't he? But Caelan couldn't accept it, he just couldn't, he couldn't understand his decision nor his actions, not at all. All he was was being angry at practically anyone and anything. Should he have talked to Ronan about those bloody sheets in the hut? Could he have done anything to avoid this? Or was Ronan just going to end his life at some point anyway? Caelan had been calm about it, he wanted to stay out of Ronans face, but he didn't let him, playing this all down though it wasn't just a simple mistake, Ronan decided to do that, he actively worked towards killing himself without spending one single thought on Caelan, didn't he?

    • If he could push past the blonde, he'd be free of this uncomfortable situation, he'd be able to find a way out and avoid this topic forevermore, but that wasn't what he really wanted, didn't he? He'd expected to be slapped across the face for being as stupid as he was, but instead, Caelan was letting out his anger at him, was being rightfully angry at that and making him feel what words could do to him - Ronan had fucked up, he knew, he knew that it would have ended in a similar way and right now, right here, he was the one that wished he'd never had approached Caelan, never exchanged a single word with him but instead continued to admire him from afar, stopped himself in his tracks when he had indecent thoughts and just obeyed what he was told. If he'd made himself fit into the role that had been selected for him, he'd never have to take care of anything ever again - he'd not have to endure this ever again and it showed. Ronan could have been what his father wanted him to be and for that, he'd just have to put his personal preferences somewhere else, should have ignored Caelan and his urges and ... "It's fine", he mumbled, because it was. Almost everyone trampled over him or hurt him - some temporary stinging in his wrist wasn't going to hurt. "I know, but I'm honest now", and that was, who he was. Lies were just there to sugarcoat halfbaked truths and Ronan was kind of good at that, wasn't he? In the end, he could do what he wanted and just indulge in his own shenanigans - he was honest, almost always, just not around those who tried to peer into his very own soul and now it was biting him in the ass, right here, right now, in Caelans presence. "I did, and I do." Wasn't this what Caelan had wanted? His honesty, no more lies, just everything of him that was as truthful as it could get?

      The blonde was only at the tip of the iceberg, but he was slowly sliding down and Ronan knew, he knew that once he'd gotten to the bottom of it, he would tire of him, just how he'd become tired of the lies he was spewing and tired of him, so soon after all of this had happened - Caelan was done being used and albeit Ronan never intended to, he understood why. "I just didn't want to saddle you with all of this so soon" - and yet he had done a terrible job at hiding it throughout the entirety of their short relationship. He was tired, his heart felt like it had sunken into the hole his stomach had made earlier and all of this conversation was turning bleak - his throat was dry and his nose felt kind of clogged and yet, he wasn't even crying. "I'm sorry, I will ..." But would he, really, possibly be able to do that? To take responsibility? There was not a single chance he would, he'd rather end himself soon thereafter - and this entire conversation didn't make it better, not when Caelans words felt like bricks hitting him and his knees were already feeling weak. Ronan was useless, he knew as much and Ronan knew that he could feel even more horrible than he already had. "I ... no, no ... it ... it isn't", what else was he supposed to say? He barely knew Caelan, barely knew his friends and Henry was the only constant friend he'd ever had, the only one that had offered him a hug or to talk about his problems once he'd taken note of them, but never had felt him as miserable like Caelan did right now. "I'm sorry, I'm really, truly sorry Caelan. I didn't want to hurt or disappoint you ... or make you angry. I'm sorry, I'm so sorry. This ... I ... I'm actually sorry, but ... if you don't want to believe me ... that's fine. Just, I'm sorry, this ... I ... this isn't a cry for attention ... I don't even need any ... it's just ... I ... why am I even ... I've only ever disappointed everyone ... I'm sorry. I'm so sorry." There were tears welling up in his eyes once he'd set his eyes on that disappointed look on Caelans face and while he let go of the pad on his hand, he used his hands to cover his face, his eyes, with - he was crying, he really was. He really was a disappointment to anyone he ever met, wasn't he?
      Looking back, it maybe is like the toy carts you rode when you were a kid. But those toy carts could never go beyond the walls of the lawn. We want to follow the rugged concrete road beyond the wall. As we've grown, we've decided to leave behind the toy cart.

    • "It's not fine!", Caelan retaliated, looking at Ronan still angry and a little bit shocked and all of what he felt just mixed together in something that just confused him. It wasn't fine to hurt Ronan like that, no one not even Caelan was allowed to do that and Ronan shouldn't just let it happen and brush it off as if it wasn't a big deal. He should be mad at Caelan, or at least do... something, anything! Caelan expected another reaction though he didn't know which one, but because he didn't receive it, he was even more mad, this... wasn't going to end well, it already was bad enough. Caelan wasn't the right person for this, maybe he wasn't the right person for Ronan, he expected so much of him instead of letting Ronan be who he was, he wasn't better than anyone else, was he? And yet Ronan just submitted to it and told Caelan what he thought he wanted to hear, to make him stop, or please him, or whatever it was. This was much more complicated than him, it was more than Caelan could grasp and it had nothing to do with him. "I... I don't... deserve that...", he let out, knitting his brows. He leaned against the door in his back, he knew he should have left before he just said whatever found its way into his head, without thinking about it.

      "Stop... stop... stop! Just stop Ronan!", Caelan let out while Ronan went on and on, talking himself even further down. Caelan was an asshole, he knew as much, he didn't want to make Ronan cry or make him feel even worse, wasn't he supposed to help him and cheer him up? But he couldn't exactly say it's fine for him to slit open his wrists either! "Stop!", he said once again and grabbed the pad that fell on the floor, just to also grab Ronans hand, with force if he had to, to press the pad back on. This needed to be treated or at least the bandage had to go back on, but for now Caelan just held it in place and he didn't care if Ronan wanted that or not. He did want to leave, just go, tell Ronan that he couldn't deal with this right now, but he was glad he didn't and instead he paddled back and tried to clean up the mess he alone caused. "Sit down... you're trembling...", Caelan mumbled, shoving Ronan gently to his bed to have him sit down and soon after the blonde went to his knees in front of him, still holding the pad on the wound. "Please stop crying... I'm sorry, I shouldn't have said all those things, I... I don't want to excuse it." He was scared, wasn't he? He fell for Ronan so hard that the thought of loosing him literally drove him mad, but he didn't say that, he really was sorry and he didn't want to find any excuses for breaking Ronan, who already lay on the ground in pieces. He was the one supposed to pick him up and not break him even more... "I'm... I'm not angry... or disappointed, the only one I'm disappointed in right now is myself. I mean it... so please..." Caelan lowered his head staring at the ground which he sat on, Ronan wouldn't believe him now, would he? "Ronan... I... this is who you are and I... I love you... I love... everything about you, even the things I can't understand. I can't expect you to change and feel any different over night and I wasn't here, you were alone, having to deal with everything you have to deal with and it probably... was too much, I get it." Caelan said it, didn't he? He would have said it earlier, but he always thought it was way too soon for that, it would just spook Ronan, or make him think Caelan said that lightly, but he didn't. He lowered his head even more, though his hand still pressed the pad on Ronans wrist, which was the only reason he didn't press his forehead to the ground right now. "Please forgive me..."

    • "It is, so don't worry", he answered, knowing that he wasn't in the position to retaliate something, to have a fullblown argument right here, right now. Whenever he wanted someone to leave him alone, he did have to say it was fine, nothing more, nobody asked or even dared question it, but Caelan did - he didn't accept it, did he now? And Ronan felt baffled, among other things - he was used to being abused as a stepping stone for others, or as a quick excuse for something, but he wasn't used to being told that nothing was fine, that he was being ridiculous for even thinking it was - he knew he was being stupid and stubborn at the same time, just like a brat that didn't get what it wanted. But what else was he supposed to do when he only ever needed one excuse for everything? Even if there were needles piercing his heart, it barely even mattered why they did - he'd accept them and if they were here to stay, he'd deal with it, somehow. His days were numbered, his life limited because he himself wanted to leave the confines of his body, of his life, behind. Now, he was busy bawling his eyes out because maybe, just maybe, that wasn't the actual way to tackle that issue and because ... he'd disappointed someone he actually cared about, hadn't he? "You do, though", the noble said, ever so faintly. Caelan was right, he didn't deserve his love - he didn't deserve the love of a person that wouldn't be around long enough to stay, didn't deserve it because it would only pain him. He deserved better than Ronans fragile heart with all its cracks and scars.

      But why stop there? Actually, why ever shut up again? Caelan wanted to hear all of this, or did he not? Ronan had ruined it, sent it all to hell because he couldn't just take care of himself and now he was the one that had sparked their disagreement, simply by being the idiot he was, by bringing a knife down onto his wrists and finding that it was harder to actually kill himself. Love wasn't going to fix his depression, they both were aware of that and Caelan alone would probably go mad if he had to spend as many nights together with him, especially when he'd reach one of his lowest points again - and that was nothing that Ronan wanted to saddle him with. Therefore, to save everyone the trouble, it was easier to just let go of those strings he was holding onto, to just cry and bawl his eyes out and let himself be handled as the blonde wanted to, sitting down onto the bed and wiping away all those tears that didn't want to stop, not once. "It's fine ... you said what you had on your mind ... and that's what's been bothering you, so ... getting it out is good, isn't it?" Those words were still drowned in his croaking voice, in the hands covering his face as he felt the slight pressure on his wrist that kept the pad in place. "You don't need to be disappointed in yourself, though ... you were only honest, right?" Unlike him, the blonde didn't lie, or at least not as much and Ronan was confined to the only things he knew - forgiving and forgetting, because there'd been worse and he hadn't expected Caelan to be enthralled by this confession anyway, no one would have been. "You love me?" He didn't deserve that, but he refrained from voicing that, he didn't want to add more fuel to a burning fire, he didn't want Caelan to be more angry than he'd been before, or even more disappointed. There was still a knot in his stomach, there were still tears in his eyes and yet, he took that still bandaged hand of his and got rid of the tear-soaked glove, only to ruffle through Caelans hair. "Caelan, it's fine, there's nothing I need to forgive you for. If someone needs to ask for forgiveness, that would be me." Slowly but surely, he tugged on the sleeve of Caelans hand still holding the pad in place. "Get up, I don't want you to be miserable as well."
      Looking back, it maybe is like the toy carts you rode when you were a kid. But those toy carts could never go beyond the walls of the lawn. We want to follow the rugged concrete road beyond the wall. As we've grown, we've decided to leave behind the toy cart.

    • "It's not... please... it's okay if it's not fine, it's okay to voice it... please don't accept anything that's thrown at you, not from me.", Caelan said, knowing that the topic of Caelan grabbing Ronans wrist too tight wasn't really what this was about, though he was sorry about it. It was about Ronan who always took anything in, tried to swallow it down and Ronan just added to it, drowning him in all those things he just had to take without being able to retaliate or even say something. Not with Caelan though, he couldn't promise him to always be the best of him, to always be calm, caring and nice, but if he wasn't Ronan was allowed to tell him off, to tell him he should stop, or that he was wrong. Caelan needed to hear it, he needed to know to snap out of it and he didn't want to keep going until he made Ronan cry over and over again. "I... maybe I do... but not at this very moment...", Caelan mumbled and let out a sigh. "I'm an idiot, I'm... so sorry."

      Caelan sat there shaking his head, now Ronan was the one lifting him up as it seemed, but why? "No... I... I just said what came to my mind without... without thinking and I... I didn't mean to, I didn't mean it all, please believe me. I'm not saying this because I want you to feel better, I... I haven't reflected on it, I'm... angry yes, but I'm much more... confused and scared. I'm scared of loosing you, I'm scared of being alone! It's not your fault, it's not your concern... well maybe a little bit, but I... I try to understand why you'd... I just... I get I'm not able to safe you from all your problems just like that... that's what I'm trying to say. It's fine for you to feel like you do... I want to help changing it, I want to make you happy, I want to love you. I know this sometimes might not be enough, I won't be angry at you anymore, not like this. I just ask you to... to... think twice about... something like that. I was honest, it'll kill me too if I were to loose you." Was honesty even what Ronan wanted? Wasn't Caelan blabbering on and on, just saying what flew around his mind, without thinking about what he said or what it meant? Maybe the best thing to do would be to just shut up, but he wasn't good at shutting up. "I love you, yes. I love you because you are the only person that really knows me and that is fine with it... I love you because I can be myself and say what I think, I want to do the same for you as well, let you be who you are and if you want to change, give you time to do it..." Caelan talked himself too much into all of this, didn't he? He opened his mouth again, wanted to explain but instead stopped, because he felt Ronans hand in his hair. It baffled him and the words he wanted to form just slipped away. Caelan looked up, he looked into Ronans eyes from down here, still not his usual happy self, but ready to move forward somehow. "Can we just say... we're both awful...?", Caelan asked, he wanted to end this and not make a contest about who was the worst person. The blond sat up, but he didn't stand up, after all someone still had to care about that wound. "Ronan... I don't want you to get hurt even more but you won't back out of the tournament, right? And you don't want to show this to a doctor, because he'd know what this is from, right? If you trust me... I could try... patching it up... but it'll probably not be very pretty if I try to sew it together... or if we'd..." That would hurt too much... he just wanted to help, but how?

    • "You didn't do anything wrong, though. I can stand a bit of pain, that's not too bad - and he rest of it was deserved, so it is fine", Ronan retaliated pretty quickly. Yes, maybe it wasn't actually fine, maybe Caelan did want him to fight back, but he couldn't - he was still who he'd always been, still Ronan of Alster who had so much more on his mind than just a simple task or the fact that he was supposed to take anything hurled at him like it wasn't bothering him. In the end, that was nothing more than his luck - he'd been raised like that, had been taught not to talk back because Darragh wanted him to obey instead and if he though about it like that, wasn't it incredibly fucked up? What would this lead to, if not him, forgiving and forgetting everything? Ronan had never been petty and he rarely took direct offense - yes, he could get angry and was easily pissed off, but all of that was a crumbling facade that barely held up to the usual standards when he was around Caelan who seemed to make sure that he felt like he was actually loved in that body of his, even though it was hard to deal with from time to time. "You don't need to be sorry and you're not an idiot, all is forgiven and forgotten. I love you regardless." If he only spoke the truth from now on, Caelan couldn't hold it against him, or could he?

      "Caelan, I ... you know it ... it's nice to hear all of that, but ... you needn't force yourself to do something like that. I'll figure it out eventually and ... if you want to stick by me, I would ... like that, a whole lot. But ... you know, in the end ... I can't promise that it'll get better or worse. I don't want to hurt you, not in a million years", he almost promised the blonde, yet couldn't bring himself to smile and isntead ruffled through his hair one more time to calm himself down, just a bit, just for now. "I'll ... keep that in mind, though and ... I'll try to pull myself together, how ... does that sound? Not ... that I can promise anything", he answered. Ronan knew, he knew so damn well that there was nothing else he could do - he was confined to his own body and forced to do what he'd been taught, only that he'd break through these stubborn habits of his at some point - but he couldn't free himself from his depression, let alone do anything else. This was who he was and he was definitely, infinitely stuck in his own shell, no matter what he'd try. Caelan wouldn't be able to hoist him out of the water he was drowning in, but right now, his head was still sticking out from the water - most of the time. "You're too good to me, you know that, don't you?" Ronan tucked one of those loose, blonde strands of hair behind Caelans ear, but they wouldn't say there for long, they were too short - though, it was worth a try, just like everything else was. Both of his hands were occupied now, so his tears dried on his face and he was oddly okay with the last of them streaming down to his chin - he probably looked worse than before, even more exhausted. "Both? Well ... I guess we are, aren't we?", there was a faint chuckle, but it wasn't an amused one, rather an awkward, sad one - he did have to acknowledge that, Caelan was right after all. They both were hurting each other and now they sat there, wondering about what to do next and forget about their pain. "I ... don't want to back out and I can't, even if I tried and ... I know it would be the better decision. But ... he'll know and I'll be stuck in my room and ... my father will rip my head off, metaphorically. Sewing is probably going to get in my way, but ... I wouldn't mind. Though, if you feel up to the task you could ... try to cauterize it?" Horrible idea, really, but at least Caelan seemed to feel slightly better for now, or did he?
      Looking back, it maybe is like the toy carts you rode when you were a kid. But those toy carts could never go beyond the walls of the lawn. We want to follow the rugged concrete road beyond the wall. As we've grown, we've decided to leave behind the toy cart.

    • "I don't want to hurt you, never... well, not like that anyways...", Caelan mumbled, he didn't want Ronan to accept it like that, to accept his boyfriend hurting and bruising him, even if it was only because he didn't pay attention. If Ronan asked him to, well he complied, he would most of the time, even if he didn't feel comfortable with it. "You have to snap me out of it, you know...?" Caelan sighed a little, this big loving sunshine Ronan thought he had in front of him wasn't all Caelan was. He had told Ronan before, about him being angry all the time, even breaking a nobles nose for some minor thing he said, something Caelan couldn't even remember. He changed, he did, he wasn't angry most of the time, or at least he channeled it in different ways, but it was still a part of Caelan, there were many things, many facets of Caelan that weren't just happy or goofy. "Hm... thank you Ronan..."

      "You don't have to promise anything and I'm not forcing myself to anything... I want to love you just like you are, you do the same for me, right?", Caelan asked, his second hand moving up as well and squeezing that tender fingers of Ronan, because he wasn't able to grab his other hand, or didn't want to, while it fumbled around with Caelans hair. For a moment or two Caelan rested his head on Ronans lap, he wanted to hold and cuddle him, but they had to fix him up first. "There is no too good for you.", he answered and if he was completely honest, he treated Ronan like shit just minutes ago, didn't he? Trampling over him like any other person in his life that drove him to such extremes, that he tried to end his own life. Caelan looked up again, he didn't want to hurt Ronan, but he also wanted to help him, though the best thing would have been to just drop out of the tournament. "I can... do that...", Caelan answered, like the good puppy he was, wasn't he supposed to heed his masters words? "It will hurt... it will hurt when you move it much, maybe even when holding your sword and it will leave a big scar, but it'll probably keep the wound from opening up better than some stitches..." Caelan had done this before when Cameron and he had to drag themselves out of danger and bring the other home alive, he knew how it felt and how it was done, Ronan probably didn't. At least it was a rather quick pain as opposed to stitches that would take some time, stung and only could hold so much. Caelan grabbed his knife he had always with him. "We'd need to heat that up.", he said grabbing Ronans hand to press it back on the pad, so he could let go himself. Then he stood up. "And we would need some fresh bandages and maybe... some ointment to keep the wound dressing from sticking on the open wound." Though that was optional, at least experience had shown... but it would hurt ripping the pad off later and the chance of an infection was greater. Caelan probably shouldn't have known all those things, but he did.

      Dieser Beitrag wurde bereits 1 mal editiert, zuletzt von Earinor ()

    • „Caelan, please, it‘s alright. You haven‘t hurt me, I‘m fine. A bit of stinging isn‘t going to kill me.“ Ronan knew very well that it hurt and that he‘d brought this upon himself, but in the end it was fine, it had to he fine, because he had to he fine and endure everything hurled at him, no matter how hard or painful it was. He‘d learned to forget, to forgive because it was the only thing he could do, the only thing he was incapable of fucking up to the point of no recognition. „I‘ll ... try that, but I can‘t simply promise you things I‘m not capable of. If you hurt me because you‘re blind with rage, I‘ll take note of it, but I won‘t blame you for something as stupid, okay?“, he mused, trying to get rid of the stinging feeling in his chest that would signal that his heart hurt, almost uncomfortably at that. But did it for real or was that a mere mirage made up by a body that had already suffered so much and wanted something else, something that wasn‘t horrible pain? „Why are you thanking me? I‘m just being honest this time around and I wouldn‘t want it any other way, you know?“

      One could mull over the necessity of cauterizing a wound like that - the safest bet was to stitch it up, but it wouldn‘t hold and leaving it like that was only bound to hurt when he couldn‘t take an impact from someone trying to fight him head on, with brute strength rather than strategy. This was going great, wasn‘t it? All of his chances of winning were diminishing. „You are too good for me, even trying to cheer me up and make me feel better about myself. You‘re truly astounding. Caelan, I know I can‘t promise you much, but what I want to promise you is that I‘ll be by your side for however long I can. I love you, no matter who or what you are and I don‘t care about anything else“, and he meant it, at least this time around. The blonde was the love of his life, one way or another and yet he couldn‘t even promise him to stay with him until they‘d both die of old age - he simply couldn‘t. „I know it‘ll hurt but ... it‘s our best bet, isn‘t it? I don‘t mind scars, it‘s not like this is the first time I cut myself. The only difference is that those are almost invisible, but ... you know, I trust you. It‘s not going to kill me, so it‘ll be endurable.“ Ronan was in for a world of hurt and yet he wondered what it‘d look like, burnt skin holding together to keep an open wound from gushing out blood, that left a scar bigger and more visible to the others than any of those he had - and it would remind him of Caelan, even without being romantic. „You know quite a lot, don‘t you?“ Ronan had a faint chance to pat the lap on his head before Caelan got up in favor of helping him. „We could use the fireplace to heat up your knife“, Ronan said, holding the pad himself by now and thinking if it would help him get rid of the horrible, stinging pain that - in no way - had ever felt pleasant. „I do have some bandages in my room for this kind of thing ... well, not cauterizing the wound but cutting myself. Um, either way, I‘m sure I have some ointment too - should I go get it?“, he asked, but already slowly got up from where he was sitting, seeing to it so he wouldn‘t hurt Caelan in the process. „Or would you rather not have me?“
      Looking back, it maybe is like the toy carts you rode when you were a kid. But those toy carts could never go beyond the walls of the lawn. We want to follow the rugged concrete road beyond the wall. As we've grown, we've decided to leave behind the toy cart.

    • "Ronan...", Caelan sighed, this was no sue, was it? He'd never back down from this one, he'd never be angry at Caelan for something like that, although he should, instead he was only angry about stupid stuff, like hitting his ass, because Caelan tingled him out of bed. Was Ronan even capable of fighting someone else? Aside from the pain on his wrist, could he raise his weapon? Not that he needed to be angry to fight in a tournament, but right now Caelan wasn't sure if Ronan ever fought anyone. "I'll help you and I won't stop you from fighting in that tournament, but only if you hit me, when we patched you up.", Caelan said, standing in front of Ronan, much bigger than him. It would have been easy to break Ronans neck, or just punch him, not that he wanted it though. Caelan wanted it the other way around, he needed to know if Ronan could do it and he also kind of deserved it, maybe Ronan even felt better afterwards. "I'm thanking you, because I don't take your love as given, it's something special you are gifting me, it's not to be taken lightly."

      "I'm not. I'm an idiot and sometimes I don't know what I do or say,", Caelan answered, his mind wandering to the tournament, they'd have time until it started but Ronans wounds wouldn't heal until then. "Don't block any attacks, you hear me? In the best case you let go of your weapon, in the worst, even after cauterizing it, the wound might open up again, the strain could very well even make it worse.", Caelan said, looking at Ronan. "You'll have to dodge, if fighting against me or Cameron, you wouldn't withstand a lot of blows even without those wounds anyway. If you dodge you loose less strength as your opponent, or maybe try to reflect an attack to get your opponent out of balance. But again, do not block a hit directly." Now Caelan almost felt like Ronans trainer, but he wasn't, still he wanted to help him and he wanted him to just survive those fights. maybe it would be better if he lost the very first one. Caelan grabbed the dirty bandage from the floor, it was bloody, but it would the pad in place. Caelan grabbed Ronans arm and put the bandage back on. "I don't know where your room is and we can do this there as well, so I'll come with you and then we take care about that." Caelan rolled down Ronans sleeve again. "That will hold until then." He put back his knife, waiting for Ronan to be ready. "As I said, I'm stupid and Cameron and I needed to patch ourselves up more than once, so yes I know things I rather don't."

    • “Yes?”, he answered upon hearing his name being called, wholly confused why he’d been named anyway. Was there something he was doing wrong? Wasn’t that what Caelan wanted? His forgiveness and some soothing words so he needn’t worry about his lover any longer? Ronan would offer all of it, all of his bleeding heart, to the blonde - every single piece he wanted, he’d let his fellow noble devour him whole, just to rid himself of this world that he was stuck in, or at least felt like he was. Once he’d be no more, freedom was within his grasp, even if that meant he was fleeting, formless. “Why should I hit you? I don’t want to hurt you or cause you harm, this seems ridiculous”, he answered instead, still holding onto the pad and watching as blood was seeping the white cotton, as it was dribbling out of the wound like it had no intention to stop. But why was that, exactly? It made no sense, not at all. Shouldn’t that be healing by now? Was he going to die by exsanguination? “And yet you deserve it, you deserve so much more than me actually - I’ll just end up hurting you, you know?”

      “You aren’t, you’re fine the way you are”, he hummed, finally coming to terms with himself. Caelan was awfully good at making him go through too many emotions in such a short amount of time, wasn’t he? And yet Ronan wanted nothing more than some warmth, a little hug, maybe a short kiss and some cuddling - there wasn’t anything else the noble desired thereafter. “So you’re telling me that the impact of a sword blow to my own will make the cauterized wound break up again, maybe even the entire patch of skin the knife touched and I, therefore, should avoid even thinking about blocking an attack? I’m not sure if I can fight like that”, he sighed, but he’d make do - he’d still beat Caelan without even trying, he wanted to and yet he didn’t want to be handed that win of his. “I guess I’ll try, but again, I can’t really promise you anything, alright? Worst case is getting this sewed after we’re done.” Ronan already knew that, while the advice was good, dodging was out of question in certain situations, wasn’t it? “You’re not stupid, you’re fine the way you are so shut it, will you? And let hurry, or else I’ll bleed out on the floor at this point”, he joked, knowing fully well that that assumption wasn’t too far off anyway and got moving, showed the blonde the way to his room and once they were there, started to unbutton that shirt of his and pointed Caelan towards the glistening flames in his fireplace. “You’d want to heat your knife there”, Ronan explained, shedding the already bloodied shirt to the floor and moving toward his bed before he grabbed a little wooden box from under it, opened it up and got some of the ointment and bandages out. Then, he shed the dirtied bandages on his own hands, made sure the other wasn’t bleeding - which it didn’t, it looked less horrible thankfully - and kept the pad in place. “Ready when you are”, he said, sinking down on his own bed.
      Looking back, it maybe is like the toy carts you rode when you were a kid. But those toy carts could never go beyond the walls of the lawn. We want to follow the rugged concrete road beyond the wall. As we've grown, we've decided to leave behind the toy cart.