[2er RPG] The Shepherd [ENG]

Macrus clised his eyes and followed his boyfriend's instructions. He listened for Logans voice, felt for Logans touch. It was easy to find him but hard to forget about everything else. The AC was just so annoying! The crickets wouldn't shut up! And the stupid raccoon just pushed over a trash can!
Marcus fought against the urge to get up and strangle the animal. He forced himself to just breathe. In. Out. In. And out.
"It's not working!", he pressed through his clenched teeth.
He was frustrated. Why was it so difficult? Just a few weeks ago it was the easiest thing in the world to just let go and... be.
He put his hands on Logans in an effort to enhance the feeling of him. Breathe...

Logan needed to calm down himself. He was so worried about Marcus and he wanted to help him so badly, but he didn't know how. Usually holding him close helped him, at least Marcus said that before, but it didn't seem to be enough now. Was it really his father who successfully found his way in his sons head? Or was it something else? Maybe he just was scared, because of what happened. He breathed calmly and forced his body to lighten up, then Logan opened his eyes. It was dark, but the lights outside made it possible for him to see Marcus hazily before him. He looked at him and slowly started stroking his cheeks. "Breath with me... listen to my rhythm." Logan grabbed one of Marcus hands and put it on his - Logans - chest, so he could feel his heart beating. Calming ones body down was also a way to calm the mind, everything worked together and being close to somebody else could help too. If it didn't worked, Logan was out of ideas and maybe he'd really call someone.

Marcus forced himself to concentrate. It was hard. But after a while - it seemed like forever - the noise of the night faded. Only Logan was left.
Marcus wrapped his arms around him, clung to him as if he was his only lifeline. He cried. He didn't even notice. Something inside him just broke.

The next morning, Marcus felt like he was hit by a train. Multiple times.
With his coffee, he sat on the couch i ln the living room. Dylan was watching some cartoons and ate his cereals. Marcus wasn't really there. He was just staring into the nothingness. He needed a break from life.

Logan felt Marcus only slowly calming down and went on holding him close. Marcus put his arms around him and he held him while he cried. He didn't know what to do, besides being there.

Logan managed the next morning, gave Dylan some cereals - because his pancakes weren't good enough - and brewed some coffee. He hoped Dylan wouldn't ask why Logan did that ll of a sudden. After the boy was occupied, Logan stepped behind Marcus, putting his hands on his shoulders and quietly started to talk.
"I'm worried... Maybe you should visit your psychiatrist, maybe she can help you figure out what you need. I'll drive you if you want."
With Logan just being there and softly forcing Marcus to relax not being enough anymore, he felt helpless. He never saw Marcus like this before and he wasn't someone who could help him right now.

"That would be nice, I guess...", Marcus replied, "but you have to take care of Dylan, while I'm gone. He doesn't wanna go to school today. Maybe he should go to her, too..."
Marcus seemed... distracted. He wasn't quite present.
"I should call her..."
He got up and needed a moment to remember where he left his phone. He found it, where he always put it: on the dinner table. He went upstairs to call Dr. Rosemary. She agreed to a session right away and suggested, that Dylan should see her, too. It was kinda handy to have a psychiatrist only for members of the Shepherd Organisation.
"Ahe said, we could come over whenerver we want to. She wants to see you as well", Marcus explained to Logan when he came back down.
But before they did anything he needed another coffee.

Marcus was strange, talked differently and seemed distracted. For a second he seemed as if he needed to think about where to find his phone, this was unsettling and unusual. "I'm taking care of him, don't worry.", Logan replied and watched Marcus go upstairs. Logan wasn't sure if he even heard him.
Logan distracted himself with cleaning up the kitchen a little bit at looking at the TV every now and then, until Marcus came back downstairs. They could come over, that was good.
"Okay. Take your time.", Logan replied and walked over to Dylan who was finished with his cereals.
"What's wrong?", he immediately asked and Logan saw no point in lying to him.
"Your father isn't feeling well. He needs to figure out something, so we'll go to see your psychiatrist."
"Okay..."
"Let's go wash ourselves, alright? Come on." Logan walked upstairs with Dylan into the bathroom and then they dressed up. Afterwards Dylan watched some TV while Logan cleaned up and Marcus got ready too.

It didn't take long until they stood in front of the office. Marcus wasn't really there and it worried not only Logan, Dylan was worried too and pressed Logans hand harder then usual. He didn't know how to calm him down either.
The door opened and they were greeted by a woman in her 40s.
"Thanks for seeing us on such short notice.", Logan smiled and gazed over to Marcus. He almost seemed like a zombie... Dylan was joking about it just yesterday...

"But of course", Dr. Rosemary replied, "It's not like I have a lot of other customers. Come in, come in."
She let them inside her big office. It was filled with everything a psychiatric office needed: a couch, two fitting armchairs, a chaiselonge, calming pictures of landscapes, a bookshelf with scientific books on it, anti-stress balls, and what not. The Organisation payed well for doind nothing.
Dr. Rosemary offered something to drink to everybody. Dylan loved the hot chocolates the deluxe coffee maker could spit out. He helped the woman making them, before sitting down in one of the armcharis. He said, he felt like a king sitting in one of those.
Marcus sat on the couch. Like Dylan, he had his rituals coming here. He took off his sneakers and sat cross-legged.
"So. I hear you had an interesting day yesterday", Dr. Rosemary started, "A lot happened. It was pretty scary, huh?"
Dylan nodded.
"How'd you feel about what happened, Dylan?"
She talked to the little one for a while. They got along pretty well. Marcus barely listened. He tried to concentrate but he couldn't. So he just grabbed Logans hand to anchor himself. He didn't want to lose the graspon reality.

Logan got inside the office too, but didn't know exactly what to do. For him this wasn't really a safe place or something and he didn't want to be an intruder regarding Marcus and Dylans routines here. But he sat beside Marcus and was assured it was the right thing, when his boyfriends grabbed his hand tightly. Logan put his second hand on top and pressed Marcus hand. Dr. Rosemary talked to Dylan first, Marcus didn't seem to listen. Logan wasn't sure if there was again too much noise or too little.
With time to think he got angry again. But he put the thoughts away when he noticed his heartbeat going faster again. He needed to be calm and present for Marcus. But there was so much going on in his head....

Dr. Rosemary was more observant than she seemed. She talked to Dylan, yes, but she noticed what the two grown men were doing. And she had a sixth sense for what they were feeling even if they themselves didn't.
"So your dads were helping others and you were talking to Andrew over the phone?"
Dylan nodded: "He got a comic from Stan. I already knew that one, but I didn't mind."
"Aha. And when your dads came back?"
"We went home and build a pillow fort. Dad and I watched some cartoons. Logan needed to go to the hospital. I don't know why..."
Her gaze shiftet to Logan. She didn't say anything, but her eyes said everything. She wanted to know why he had to go. Actually she just wanted him to say it so Dylan could hear it. She was pretty good at her job.

After about thirty minutes, she was done with the boy. She told Logan to go for a walk with Dylan, so she could talk with Marcus. Also, she wanted him to spend some time with Dylan, so they could talk.
As soon as they were gone, Her attention shifted to Marcus.
"What's wrong Marcus. You are distracted. You never are. You are the most focused person I know. Because you need that to survive. Talk to me."
And he did. Because she understood him in a different way than anyone else. Not better. Just different. And she was damn good.
"Okay. So we need to work on the list we made, cause it's getting longer. I know you don't wanna hear it, but we have to tackle the big ones. You said, you had the dream again. You said, it was a bit clearer this time. I think, we should work on that."
"But we tried everything..."
"Not quite. I do have a couple of options left. Care to try it?"

"Logan? I need you to come back. Marcus needs your help with something."
Dr. Rosemary had called Logan. Whatever she tried with Marcus, it looked like it was working. But for the next step, they needed Marcus' human safe zone.

Logan got outside with Dylan quietly, but he noticed Dr. Rosemarys gaze, so he started to talk after they made a few steps.
"You want to know why I was at the hospital?", Logan asked and Dylan nodded.
"Well, I just got a little hurt. I'm sorry if I scared you. Here." He pulled one leg of his pants up to show Dylan the patch. "I don't know when this happened, but it wasn't deep, so everything's fine. It will be gone in a few days. And your father was worried about me, because I inhaled a little bit of smoke."
"Why?"
"Because... you know this guy who always gives us our ice cream?"
"Peter!"
"Yeah right. I helped him and it was all smokey inside. So I got myself checked at the hospital. But I'm fine. They gave me some oxygen to breath."
"Like in the movies?"
"Yeah I guess... You know, if you want to know something like that, you can ask me. I don't know you that long and with my siblings, I always needed to be strong and didn't want them to know when something happened. They relied on me. But I guess you are different. I know you wanna know all kinds of stuff." Logan smiled at the young boy.
"But you don't know what's wrong with dad, right?"
Logan startled. "Well no. That's why we are here. I'm not that good with people."
"That's not true. Everyone is always smiling after talking to you!"
"What? Seriously?!"
"Yes! And all my friends said you are cool, because you played with us, although you left again, but that's alright."
"Thanks Buddy...", Logan chuckled. He felt better now. Wait... wasn't he supposed to make Dylan feel better?

Logan gave Dylan his phone afterwards, so he could play a little. They even found a game thy could play together. After some time, the door to the office opened again. Logan looked up.
"Uh... sure.", Logan replied and stood up. He left the phone with Dylan and got inside again. "So, what can I help you with?"

"We're right back, Dylan."
The boy nodded and played his game. Dr. Rosemary motioned for Logan to be quiet, when they entered the room. Marcus laid on the couch, eyes closed. He was sleeping for some reason.
"By now you know about his dreams, right? I think, it's a suppressed memory from the night his parents died. We tried a couple of things to get through this mental barrier but he couldn't do it. He would never say that out loud, but he is scared. He doesn't wanna know what happened. He knows the facts, the reports. But now that he could remember what happened, he's scared. But with all what's going on in your life, we need to work on big chunks of his problems. So he accepted to do hypno-therapy. Currently, he's sleeping. He's gonna dream. Usually, his body wakes him up, if he gets to stressed out. But since I hypnotized him to sleep, he won't. He will remember. And you are the only person who can calm him down. You are his safe space. And when I wake him up in a few minutes, he's gonna need that."

Logan looked at Marcus and followed Dr. Rosemarys explanation. But he didn't quite understand what exactly that means and he wasn't sure if he wanted that for Marcus. He hated seeing him vulnerable and he wasn't sure how making him live through something terrible again was helping him cooping with what happened yesterday. But he was no doctor and if she said it was the right thing to do, well Logan had no better plan. So he nodded, making a few steps into the room, not sure what 'calming him down' would mean. He wasn't good at it yesterday, what was the difference now? He only new Marcus for a few months for gods sake... but he had no one else, except a scared son and a psychopathic brother... Logan wasn't complaining, he just... wasn't sure about a lot of things. It wasn't right to say he'd know Marcus... he actually didn't. But He'd try to help, whatever Marcus needed, he tried to provide.

"You need to work on your pokerface, Logan", the doc joked, "c'mon. Sit. We got some time before this one wakes up."
Dr. Rosemary sat down in one of the armchairs and crossed her legs.
"You never come to me. You were here once, for your evaluation. But all this... it must take a toll on you, too. First your new love. Than you suddenly have to care for a seven year old. Marcus gets kidnapped. An explosion almost killed all of you. Work. There must be a lot burried underneath this happy shell of yours. C'mon. Talk to me. You know I won't tell. Not even Marcus."

Logan sat down slowly. He couldn't understand how Dylan and Marcus felt safe here, Logan was feeling as if the whole world was watching him here. "Can't he... hear us or something? Yesterday he heard a raccoon down the road and could tell what it was doing...", Logan asked looking at his boyfriend. Then he leaned back and sighed.
"I don't like being psychoanalyst... no offense.", he started and he didn't even know what to tell her. "Dylan is intelligent and strong. I always cared for someone, so that's not exactly a problem. Only difference is, I'm not alone this time. My mother was angry about the situation, I was angry at her, that's it." Maybe it was just tactics starting with the least probelmatic topic, or he didn't want her to think Logan didn't want Dylan with him. She surely would know better.
"This evaluation... does it really serve a purpose? I mean, almost everyone lived through something horrible and I guess are not exactly suitable to care for so many lives. And if Mike wants anyone, he gets him or her on the team anyway. I mean... this whole organisation and work can't be good for someone like Marcus. Would we be police, he wouldn't be allowed to carry a gun ever again I guess, right?" Logan paused again. "Nevermind, I guess you can't exactly answer that."

"You don't need to worry. Right now, only his subconscious can register us and for once that's a part, he cannot enter. He won't remember anything. Besides, he's otherwise distracted."
She did quite a bit of reading to learn how to handle a patient with Marcus' conditions. It was a bit of trial and error at first but by now, everything was fine.
"None taken."
She listened to what Logan wanted to say. I was clear that the soldier had his own issues by now.
"Did you notice? You talked about Dylan. About you mom. About Marcus. But what about you. Sure, I can answer your question. Marcus wouldn't even get a desk job in his current state of mind. But the evaluation isn't like the one cops get. Because none of you are cops. Mike just wants to know, where he's at and if you're gonna turn completely bonkers within a short amount of time. You have to be a bit broken for this kind of job. You were actually the most mentally stable person I ever evaluated for the Organisation. Not even Andrew scored that high. But you have your cracks, too. And I can see that they've gotten bigger."
She leaned foward and onto her knees.
"You have to take care of yourself, Logan. Or else you're gonna lose yourself in others. You and Marcus started as colleagues, than you were friends, than lovers. You barely onew him on that intimate level when Dylan came along. And what did you do? You didn't even think about it and moved in with Marcus and a kid none of you knew. Three Months, Logan. You two have a relationship that's only about six months old and half of that was spent living together with a kid. It may seem fine. But you and Marcus still have to discover and learn a lot about each other. And about Dylan. He trusts you two. I mean, he even started calling you dad. But he just went from a single mother in Seattle to two dads in Washington. His mother died. He's not fine. He's still working on that. The rituals before bedtime? The consistency in the morning? That's his lifeline. He changed the routine last night and this morning, didn't he? Because he is scared. Yesterday he realized, that he could lose you two just as easy as his mother. He needs security. Marcus needs a way to deal with his conditions. That's what they need to figure out. What you as a family need to figure out. The rest is my job. Do you know why I'm saying that, Logan? Becuase you think it's your job and you fail. But you don't. Because it isn't. And you feel like all you're doing is wrong, you come to me, and we talk about it. Heck, you can come over and talk about the weather if you want. Remember, I have a great coffee machine."

Logan again looked at Marcus, his subconscious may be enough to let him figure something out, Logan was saying here. But he didn't want to anyway. After he was finished talking, it was her turn, apparently. Logan listened, only half motivated to do so.
Logan knew she only meant good or whatever, but instead he felt like she was judging him for moving in with them, for caring for them. Maybe because Logan couldn't leave now without Dylan being hurt, although they didn't eben know if Marcus and him would work together. In the last few weeks he had the feeling they didn't.
"Marcus doesn't feel secure with me anymore and Dylan possibly cant when his father is that way. So you are wrong, I fail. Since Marcus was an idiot for letting himself be captured, I fail in keeping this family somehow together." How could this woman possibly think to know what was going on inside any of them. Or at home. She read the reports and she heard short snippets of stories Dylan and Marcus were telling her. Dylan doesn't even know what big mess has happened a few weeks ago. So how could she know what Logan was trying to do, what he was failing or not failing to do, what he's done. And he was sick of hearing he and Marcus moving in too fast. Maybe it was a mistake, but it was none of anyone's business. Not hers, not his mothers. Maybe he was too stubborn to actually listen to Dr. Rosemary, but he didn't want to.
"Thanks, but no thanks. I can deal with my shit alone. Always have." Even Mike wanted him to go to her, but Logan didn't. And he didn't want to.

"I can't force you to do anything, Logan. You know I'm here, that's all I can do. But I refuse to say you fail. You're a natural caregiver. You like taking care of people. And it may not look like it to you, but you are helping Marcus. Let's ignore the wishy washy psych babble for a second. Hard facts only: Marcus not only has a chemical imbalance in his brain. His neurons work differently. He thinks with other parts of his brain than most other people do. The chemical imbalance is the reason for him not filtering any information. You said, he heard a raccoon down the street last night? You heard it, too. But your brain made the decision to ignore it, becaus it was irrelevant. Marcus' brain can't do that. Everything is important and relevant. That's why notices all the small things and patterns in world. Because he is physically not able to ignore them. That in combination with his perfect memory causes an overload of information. People with the filter issue learn to seperate manually and to purposely forget minor details. He cannot do that. Again, his physiology doesn't let him do that. He cannot filter the information the world confronts him with and he is not able to forget any of it. I have to say, it's a miracle that he lastet this long. This combination of conditions destroys your metal health. Back to the squishy science of psychoanalysis: you give him something to concentrate on when everything's getting too much he probably knows every one of your cells by name. You two have your rituals, right? You think, it's not working anymore. But that's where you're wrong. He grabbed your hand when I was talking to Dylan, I saw it. You are his anchor within reality. For him to know what's going on is a hard piece of work. He could simply phase out and only live within his mind, becoming one of those apathetical people in a psychiatric hospital. But you bring him back. You have this unique superpower of pulling him out of his head and into reality. I certainly can't do that. But, as you said, you don't want therapy. That's fine by me. But Marcus wants it. He quite frankly needs it. And I need your help, he needs your help, to get through all the bullshit that happened to him, and work it out. He's a broken man, Logan. Everytime, something broke in him, it didn't healt right. So by now, the only chance to help him, is to break him again and making sure he heals correctly this time. It's gonna be painful and hard. He's gonna be weak and exposed. Something he doesn't like. But it has to happen for him to be okay again. And I know that you know that something has to change. For his sake. And in long term for your relationships sake."

Logan knitted his brows. "You don't have to tell me that. I know the facts about his brain, I just can't imagine what its like. And I'm not saying you're a quack or that you are not helping. I know you help him and Dylan. And I know Dylan really likes talking to you and I know Marcus does too, although he complains when he has to come here. And I don't blame them for seeking your help or talking to you about private stuff. It's just not for me, that's all. And I of course will stay here and come here to help the two of them and if you tell me what to do I will. But I'm not going to talk about myself. I know I'm not fine at the moment, but I can handle. And I will be fine again on my own. Being fine with all that's going on would be insane, right? So I'll just live through it, I'm used to it. And I know my weaknesses all to well, but I won't do anything stupid to mess this up even more, if in any case you should be worried.", he told her and he meant it, although he didn't quite get that 'superpower' part. He may be a man who buries everything bad somewhere to be this anchor people saw in him - not only Marcus - but he also knew what this could lead to, or what he was capable of. He hadn't got the chance of the police career he wanted, because he was angry and did something stupid. He'd always done stupid things when he was young and he'd always regret it only when he felt the consequences. And he now knew there were consequences.
If he'd do what he wanted to, he'd drive to this highly secured prison, got some papers himself or with Stans help to see Marcus father and he'd put a bullet in his stupid face to end him once and for all. But he wouldn't, because it meant messing up everything even more. He got his anger and impulsiv acting under control and he'd let it out somewhere else when he had the feeling he could leave Marcus for a day or two. And until then he'd be strong for his family.
"What's that doing to Dylan? What you are trying to achieve here with Marcus? He'll notice.", he then asked. Frankly he was worried he couldn't manage them both being scared and relying on him. He thought of leaving Dylan with Leila, but he actually didn't want to abandon him again. But on the other hand he didn't want Dylan to see his father exposed or anything. The boy was scared enough already. Logan never had to deal with something like that. His own parents just weren't home... that's all.

"I try to help Marcus. You've seen him. If I do nothing, it's gonna get much worse really fast. I give him a year. With no help, he's up on a bridge within a year."
It sounded hard but it was the truth. They needed to take care of this. Now.
Dr. Rosemary didn't say anything more. She just looked at Logan with that look that naturally underlines what you've said.
Next to them both, Marcus started to move. First is was subtle, just the twitching of a finger or something. But it got more and within minutes it was clear that he had a nightmare. His breathing was fast, his muscles tense.
Dr. Rosemary was very observant but did not intervene. He had to live through it. They couldn't wake him up early.

Logan knew that. He knew it, but still. He couldn't just pretend Dylan wasn't there and he would notice for sure. Seeing his das vulnerable or hurt... he didn't feel as safe as before already. Maybe he wouldn't feel safe anymore at all. Heck! Logan couldn't even make pancakes for that boy.
Logan tried to calm down again, he had to. Just then Marcus moved and Logan looked at him. Maybe he was waking up? But soon it was clear he wasn't. Logan guessed Marcus was at the point where he hat to live through whatever. It didn't look good. Normally you would wake up from a nightmare at some point, right? Logan guessed Marcus couldn't.
"Can I... touch him?", he carefully asked. He wanted to calm him down and help him. He saw Marcus before, having nightmares. He often had and although he believed Logan was asleep all the time... he wasn't. But usually he woke up pretty fast, or Logan just grabbed him, like he'd always do.