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"Wrong? I would say it's right, but I'd also agree with you any other time of day. We're talking about what's wrong with you though.", Louis replied. This was about Josiah and his idea of life. The fact that one more fight with Louis made him blame his death on him, the fact that he told him it was his fault when Josiah was clearly disdrought over someone else he lost. Louis pitied himself in this moment. With a friend like Josiah he didn't need any enemies. Right now he found it funny, but it w…

"Not yet?", Louis laughed a little. "Man you're causing more trouble than me trying to do what's best for all of you. Hm... once you're gone Conny will probably be next and if Lucy is left all alone, who knows what she'd do? Maybe she takes the children with her? Save them the misery and all, you know? And I'll finally be free of all the pressure you put on my shoulders, I actually like that, maybe I stop caring altogether, for the whole day I mean." That would mean freedom and even after the gu…

Louis slid down against his door exhausted and drained. Maybe he shouldn't have been that angry, maybe he shouldn't have tossed Josiah aside, but instead apologized and told him how much he cared for him. Would he have listened even? Louis didn't remember crying since that fire, but right now he did. Everything he touched, everything he did, no matter how good his intentions, it all went to shit. Trying to protect Josiah made him hurt so badly, he was thinking of killing himself, trying to save …

Maybe Louis had gone too far, but that wasn't really possible. Josiah never backed down, he needed to be hurt in order to understand and Louis had been too soft. His eyes grew watery and red, Louis could see it very well, but he too was at the verge of breaking. He was somewhat hide it behind anger, but how often would Josiah force him to push him away? Even when he tried to be his friend all they did was argue. Even if none of them meant ill, the fact that Josiah knew less than half of what was…

"I don't! You are the one who doesn't listen and you come back to me practically begging me to say anything nice to you, to talk to you, to do things with you and all that and when I give in because you are maddingly persistent you take it as me still feeling the same towards you as it used to be!", Louis threw in Josiahs face. Josiah was like a broken record. 'You don't mean that. You changed your mind. You're hiding things.' Why did he have to hold on to Louis so tightly? Why couldn't he just …

"How often and how loud do I have to say that I don't want your help?", Louis asked through gritted teeth. Why did he have to force himself into Louis life over and over and over again? What else was he supposed to do? Drag him through the mud? Kill his snake pet? What? It was exhausting and painful. If Josiah would have just stopped caring about Louis by now, things would be much easier on him. Instead he crawled back, hung on to him, told him how much he wanted to help, how much he liked him. …

Why did Josiah ask then? Frankly this whole interaction was tiring. It was easier to just stay away from Josiah, instead of trying to figure out how to best lie to him, how to keep him away, how to keep him save and all that. He cared for him enough to do anything to save his life, but he could only do that by keeping him at a distance. None of the ones who knew Louis before the fire seemed to want to let go of the image of him they had five years ago. Everyone was constantly trying to help him,…

In he came, sounding like he wanted to leave again right away. He didn't stop him, wouldn't run after Josiah if he wanted to be difficult. Louis didn't exactly look forward to an interaction with his old friend. Either he'd be angry, or he'd be overbearing trying to make sense of Louis actions and behaviour when he could not. Louis couldn't explain whatever he did and Josiah wouldn't understand, nor would he believe him if he flat out told him. He worked so hard on pushing him away, for once may…

Josiah seemed to be in a hurry all of a sudden and Lucy looked at him. "It's alright Jo, just breath.", he told him with a smile. He looked so well rested just a minute ago and now he was in a panic it seemed. Once he explained Lucy saw the problem, they should probably all come together and take turns looking after her, leaving her alone wasn't a good idea at the moment, but it wasn't Josiahs responsibility alone either. "That's okay, I'll look after the kids and you do what you need to do. Bri…

Josiah fell asleep very fast and Lucy was happy for him. She stroked his back a bit longer until she was sure he was fully asleep, then allowed herself to fall asleep as well. She felt save in Josiahs arms and she slept well all night through until she was woken up by a shake. She slowly opened her eyes. She too was a bit stiff from seemingly not moving the whole night, but she slept wonderfully without any nightmares or intruding thoughts. Josiah was already up and getting dressed, while Lucy s…

Jo needed someone to look after him as well, even if he denied it and Lucy felt like it wasn't just her needing some comfort tonight. The small bad was warm and cozy like this, unlike the empty bed she had. It was a luxury to have a trailer for herself, but often she rather had a roommate like Conny and Leila had been. The silence of the night was too often too scary, even before all the things that happened. Lucy preferred the day, when the whole circus grounds were bustling with life and there…

"I just don't want you to beat yourself up over anything. Whatever Louis says, don't listen to him and he's also not your responsibility, okay? He's a grown up who can make his own decisions." Lucy sighed. Josiah was usually running around all smiles, but deep down he wasn't that at all. He always ate everything up and never let it out. Sometime he'd just shatter. That he only punched Louis in the face once was a miracle, but she agreed to not talk about it anymore for tonight. They were both ti…

"I know... still..." Lucy got too attached to the children she knew that much, they always left, barely stayed someone as long as them and took it to adulthood. Leila was going there, but then... It was so unfair. It was really nobodies fault, definitely not Cornelias nor anyone elses. They always trained without the net, they did their tricks thousands of times... maybe they challenged luck one too many times, but either way, the whole situation could have been handled with more grace. The fact…

"Then someone else will leave...", Lucy cried, very well aware that Josiah didn't need all her feelings dumped on him either. She wasn't mad at Josiah for not telling her, she was just sad and overwhelmed by everything that was happening. She was tired, exhausted even and all of this was just too much. It had been bad when Louis and Josiah were always fighting, but now? Leila was dead, Cornelia was a wreck, Lucas was gone, Josiah was hurt and Louis? He turned more and more unrecognizable to her.…

Arthur was a bit overwhelmed by Lucys sudden entrance, but he didn't blame her. Instead he noticed that she wasn't feeling too well and he felt bad for worrying her. Josiah didn't feel well either and once the two of them locked eyes, Arthur was pretty sure he was intruding here. "Yes, no problem.", Arthur smiled and got his head patted. Then he left. he didn't feel kicked out, it was true that it was late and that he needed to sleep, so he made his way over to the trailer in which most children…

"Oh! That late?!", Arthur asked a bit shocked. He should have gone to bed a long time ago and he missed dinner too. Well, that was fine, he wasn't very hungry, but he also felt bad for being gone for so long. Everybody else probably slept by now. "Oh... I mean I am sad... Leila was nice. But I mean, I didn't know her that well... and Lucas neither. The other children talk a lot, I didn't want to intrude..." He didn't feel like whatever he felt compared. "Oh... I mean it is pretty late and there …

Arthur jumped when the door to the trailer suddenly opened. He'd been so focused on the book that he forgot everything around him and he looked at Josiah with wide eyes. "Oh... uhm, I... I don't know h-how late it is.", he replied, closing the book in his hand and getting up, because he felt it was rude to talk to Josiah sitting on the floor. Josiah was already aiming for his bed, throwing himself on to it. "Me?", he asked confused. Who cared about Arthurs feelings? Josiah was the one hurt and t…

Louis took feeling better gladly today. There was no grief, no regret, not guilt, he was just himself, he felt like himself, even though in a few hours he'd ask himself what he had been thinking. He felt unshackled as well. Not just like a boy with barely a personality, eager to help everybody out before the show. "Louis honey, you look different today.", a voice behind him started and he turned around with a smile. He looked into Ruths face, normally eager to shoo him around and he gladly accep…

No fight, no arguing, barely any acknowledgement from Josiah. The cold shoulder, huh? That was fine, Louis didn't want to argue, but it was unlike Josiah to back down like this and not want to work. He would have asked him if he was alright, if he needed anything or if Louis should tell him where most help was needed, but he didn't want to keep him and he did want to be done with this talk before he switched and Josiah would only be more offended. Louis had looked forward to some time of peace o…

Louis helped where he could, even though he wanted to hide. His body hurt still, this was unusual, but he pushed through it. He hang the plan of todays show up in the dressing room for everyone to see so everyone would be on time and didn't forget they had a bit to do extra. Nobody seemed to talk about Leila which was a bit surprising, but not something Louis would complain about, he didn't want to talk about her either, or think about what happened. Lucas was missed by the other children and th…