eat your young (earinor & marquis)

"No, I don't care.", Louis answered very quickly. He didn't need to be pretty for anyone. He had no interested in a relationship and during the shows no one was scared of him, thanks to makeup and masks. There was nothing else to it. "You're not, you're over sensitive.", he told his friend. "You worry too much. I am perfectly healthy and it doesn't hurt now, nor does it hurt if you touch it, or punch me." Louis sighed, he had the feeling that Josiah didn't believe a word he said anway, unless he told him how very painful his existance was since the fire. "Sometimes it hurts, okay? Just like that, without anyone doing anything, that's all. Right now I don't feel it and if you were to touch it, I'd feel it even less than on the healthy parts of my skin." He looked at Josiahs arms and he knew the scars at his hairline too. "Do yours hurt?", he simply asked him. Sure, his weren't as big and prominent and easier too hide, but he had scars of his own. He would know how it felt, right?

"I guess something dark.", Louis answered about his favorite color. Not that it mattered. "Well mission accomplished, your wagon is all you. Sparkly, bubbly, flashy and happy. I am not interested in trinkets, I don't really have any hobbies, nor do I come here often. I think a practical, blue-ish wagon is representing me perfectly. I'm not who I used to be and even then I only stacked books and plushies. I am too old for toys now. Besides, even when we were young, I spent most of my extra money on sweets anyway. It was always your stuff taking up most of the room." This wasn't supposed to be an attack or a coplaint, merely and observation. Louis never bound himself to aterial things, today he was too realistic to do that and when he was young he rather had his five minutes of joy, then multiple days with a toy he liked. He was shortsighted in that regard. "No, it's fine.", Louis answered and held up his cards so Josiah could pick one and add find its counterpart in his own deck to put it down. "I know it, but let's just play." At least talking wasn't necessary during this game. Once it was Louis turn to pick a card out of Josiahs hand, he was able to read him like a book. The clown sighed and turned his head, instead picking a card blindy, though he still knew which spot to avoid. "Well, it's almost winter.", he mumbled and locked at Josiah again. Diferent, yes, he changed, that was clear or was it not? "Well I changed and I've grown up. But you see me every day, why is this different now?"

"Good." Alright. Alright, that was fine, better even - why should someone like Louis need to care? It was his body, his scars, his story; the less it bothered him, the better it was. Still, Josiah felt like he failed, bore not enough scars of his own to warrant this incident ever happening, and yet, what was he to do? Apologize for an act that he'd never performed? Cry for forgiveness? No, neither of these things were appropriate for him to do. "I wouldn't say I'm sensitive, I just care for you, you know that." Another complaint, another statement, another word in an already somewhat hostile environment. Dealing with Louis, had that ever been easy? To Josiah, he was somewhat hard to handle, easier to ignore than hard to handle, yes, but up until now, just how many hours had he spent trying to focus on something that, without fail, he'd never get back? He had wanted this to be different, but it wasn't, and no matter how or what he did, he'd not get back what he'd lost, not in a single bit of it - Louis wasn't who he used to be, but Josiah wasn't any different either. All the words that he could have said were swallowed in an instant. "Mine hurt too, but only sometimes, just like yours ... it's more of an itch, they're not that deep ... they're just there, you know. Here to stay, but nothing that impacts me."

It would have been worse if it had been on his legs, or maybe between his fingers, perhaps his arms. Josiah wasn't sure, he knew he wasn't as impacted by all of that as he could have been, but shifting focus on the task at hand, he wordlessly picked at a card from Louis hand, and then couldn't keep a poker face; he was easy to study, even if his behavior was hard to master in the first place. "The ocean at night, then." But that wasn't blue, perhaps - wouldn't it be black? Thoughts ran rampant in his head, but even then, he wasn't able to concur a proper image of what he envisioned - the blue, deep ocean and the white sand beneath his feet, something that Louis would have wanted to see, no matter what. It did fit him, in a way. "I know, but that's not what I meant. And don't insult my wagon like that, it's just the way I like it, and maybe I am sparkly and bubbly and flashy, but certainly not always happy. You aren't, either.", Josiah retaliated, putting down a pair of cards, and then another. Would Louis ever take the joker? Probably not. If anything, it stuck to him like glue, and this game had been a stupid choice in the first place. "But it will be summer after winter, you know. Plenty of time to plan, plenty of time to fill your wagon with trinkets. We don't do breaks, but you can visit the next town with me, how's that sound? I'm sure we'll find something you can enjoy - that isn't candy, might I add." Perhaps a blue candle, or just something mundane, like a blue book, or pressed flowers. Even a scarf would do, but it would potentially be a rather expensive endeavor. "Because you're up close. How long has it been? It feels like ages." Josiah clicked his tongue, as he eventually was stuck with but two more cards. "Maybe because I didn't expect you to change so much, but that's on me, then.", he murmured under his breath.

"I know, but you care too much. You act like I can't take care of myself and as if I'm lying to you when I tell you that I'm fine and my face doesn't hurt.", Louis retaliated with a big sigh. Why was Josiah so difficult to deal with? He said he didn't want to talk about anything serious, not about the fire, or Louis scars, yet here he was interrogating him until he got the answer he wanted to hear. Louis didn't want a hug, or a pat on his back, he didn't need all that. Besides the things he couldn't tell Josiah, he was fine and there was nothing for him to fix. "See? Why are you acting like mine are so much worse then? They aren't. It's like you want me to hurt." Maybe that was it, because it could be an explanation for Louis changed behaviour and that was all Josiah cared about. Louis kept plucking cards out of Josiahs hands and put the pairs he formed in front of him on the table.

Louis sighed once more, but didn't comment Josiahs conclusion. Louis didn't care about the ocean at night or it's color and if anything the ocean was black at night, just like everything else. "I didn't insult it, I described it. What do you mean then? It's my wagon, I don't have to decorate it so you can stand it." Why was Josiah so insistent about this? Why couldn't he just leave this topic alone? Louis wasn't in the mood to just give into Josiahs fantasies about all the things he could change in Louis home. "I can't visit town with you.", he told Josiah. He furrowed his brow and reached for one of the two remaining cards in Josiahs hands, finishing his own pair which he placed on the table with the others. "You've seen me before yesterdays show, you've seen me up close this morning and you hugged me in the evening. You see me plenty of times, up close as well.", Louis mumbled and finally leaned back with some momentum. "Ah that's it... You don't even care about me. All you want is to bend me to be someone who doesn't exist anymore." Louis stood up in his cramped little wagon. "All this doesn't scream old Louis to you, that's why you can't leave it alone and want to fill this place up with useless shit." He spread his arms to emphasize on his wagons interior, albeit maybe a bit dramatically. "Only because you stuff this place with masks, cups, figures and more books that look like I might have bought them years ago, doesn't mean I'll change back to who I was. I don't care about the beach, or leaving this place to visit a town, I don't crave sweets, nor do I want to spend my money on something else I'll never need. The old Louis is dead, why can't you just accept that?!"

"That's not it, I never said that either. Look, I care for you, and I just want you to know that ... but even that aside, I just want to make sure you're comfortable. We are friends, we've been friends since I can think and we haven't seriously spoken to each other in what feels like forever - I just want to make sure you're fine.", Josiah stated, and he wasn't sure if Louis was being upfront with him. One could and would lie to get out of situations he did not want to be in, something that seemed almost plastered across the youngers face, but also something that Josiah figured Louis would do, simply for the sake of getting over with it. "I don't know if they're deeper than mine, they just look like they could be deeper, or maybe they are in the way. I just wanted to make sure that nothing happened!", he defended himself, but it was to no avail. Josiah was the guy that wound up with the last, damned card that couldn't form a pair and put it down on the table. Card games were one way to pass the time, but it didn't seem to be enough - he had already wasted too much time on all of this. Louis would never come back to him, there was no one like him left, not in this wagon, but whatever was still there wasn't exactly a treat to hang out with; Josiah was at fault for that, though.

He produced a sigh and raised an eyebrow. Had that been genuine praise, then? That was almost awfully stiff. "I never said I couldn't stand it, I'm simply saying there should be something that makes it your place. There doesn't even need to be anything, it's a suggestion, nothing else." One that went far beyond the scope of his own ideas, it seemed. What was this even about anymore? Josiah had come to talk, in earnest, about nothing but bits and pieces of their lives, to make sure he still knew who he talked to, and with that, he seemingly had poked and prodded at a hibernating bear, one that he'd sufficiently pissed off already. "Why not? One of these days, like tomorrow after we've moved and set up everything, you can!" What would happen? The kids were asleep, the circus wouldn't do an evening show because its performers would be spent already and they could settle into the new location like this - Josiah was the one with privileges to go elsewhere, to eye things in towns and cities that they were close to, but Louis had stopped coming a while ago and never joined him on his trips again. "It would just be like old times, think about it!", Josiah giggled with his proposal, but even that was smacked out of his face shortly thereafter, as Louis finally had enough of this topic, found himself being fed up with what was happening and decently annoyed with all that he'd been spouting. At one moment, he wanted to butt in, but the next, he stopped, closed his mouth and just looked - he listened on as his heart sank down into his stomach. Josiah stayed silent and let the wave of rain wash over him, his mouth forming but a thin line as he shook his head in denial. "I never said any of that.", he finally answered, looking up at his old friend. "For the same reason you can't accept that I still want to be your friend. Stubbornness.", Josiah murmured, letting his shoulder slump. "I was trying to find something you might like because anything the old you would have wanted seemed like a bad idea. But it's alright, I won't bring it up again." That hurt, much like a punch in the face, but that was their second fight in a timespan so small, they'd probably just giggled about it a few years ago. Still, it hurt - they'd grown up and grown apart. "I wouldn't even- no, forget it. Your wagon is fine as is, don't worry about it. I won't bring it up again." Louis was mad, Josiah was disappointed, and yet, such was life. What could he even do to fix this mess? Probably nothing. "Sorry. Let's just ... I should leave, I think that's better.", he murmured as he got up.

"You made sure of it a million times already! Will you ever stop it? I - am - fine. Do I have to spell it for you? Since you've come in here you asked me at least five times and you got the same answer every single time. What do you want me to say? That it hurts and hurt back then too? That I hate you, because I blame you for what happened to me? I don't. It was my decision to run in there when I did, nobody forced me to. I got burnt and now I have some scars, but I'm who I am, because it hurts, it doesn't. I gave you an answer even though you promised we wouldn't talk about anything that has to do with the fire and yet here we are again. You ask me the same questions over and over again, I entertain you and answer, but you apparently don't even believe me.", Louis elaborated aggitated. Josiah wasn't listening and he was pestering Louis until he heard something he liked. He wanted an explanation for Louis behaviour, but that wasn't it and he told him as much, so why did he keep pressing the matter?

"This is my place! If you would only look!" That was so very true that it hurt Louis that Josiah just brushed over everything and didn't even take a peek at anything here. He was obsessed with the occult, demons, souls and religion for a reason, even though the world was about to stray away from magic and started to believe into science. He'd been all over it if not for what he learned, but Josiah just saw an almost empty wagon as if nothing in here meant anything. He started to pluck some books out of their shelves and threw them to the floor. "No these are too gloomy for the Louis you want, maybe if you just burn them your old friend comes back. Take this too! Black cover? No, not like him, he'd never read anything like that!" Louis slammed some magazines on the table, little issues of short stories with a maximum of twenty pages. "Oh these can stay, these Louis bought years ago." He turned to look at Josiah again. "Because I can't!" If he said he couldn't that wasn't synonymous with he didn't want to, but Josiah didn't even get that. He wanted to take Josiah to the gate and show him, but of course, his body wouldn't let him. If Josiah was his friend, why was he being so blind to everything around him? "My friend? All you do is only hearing what you want to hear and if I tell you what I like, or don't like, or don't care about you can't help but press the issue, as if that would change me - because I am not who you want me to be, no one you could be friends with." Louis turned his back to his former friend, crossing his arms, more to comfort himself than for anything else. "Fine. Why don't you raise one of the kids to be a suitable replacement for the old me and stop wasting your time...", he let out through gritted teeth. How could he believe that this led to anything, that Josiah would ever make an attempt to understand anything of what was going on? Louis was alone and hope an illusion - a cruel one.

Again, he seemingly had deserved this, and yet, he was also sure that it mattered about as much as an invitation to his own burial would - Louis and him were arguing about shematics, about the fine details in life and about something that Josiah had just been too dumb to get on his own. No matter what, sometimes people needed to spell things out for him, and this time, it would have helped if Louis did, but instead, he'd done the exact opposite. "I believe you. I have no reason not to.", he replied, his bottom lip quivering and his body plenty tired; he was still all slumped as he cast his gaze to the floor and his ears heard plenty of things that he didn't want to process - but he already did. Josiah hated himself for it, hated Louis for saying all those things, but he couldn't bring himself to just accept them for what they were. If it all were different, maybe he'd understand more, but he didn't, and he couldn't. "Look, I'm sorry. This is all my fault. I just figured, since you said nothing, it ... that it would be alright to ask. I won't bring it up again, but next time, just tell me if you don't want to talk about it, to my face. That makes it easier, I didn't want to force you to think about any of that. I thought it was fine. I was wrong." Josiah was in the wrong here, no doubts about it, but even as he was about slip back into his boots, he couldn't help himself, was stopped in his tracks and almost forcibly found himself called back to Louis; he was right about it all, wasn't he?

"It is! I saw it! But it's so empty! I just wanted to help, do you a favor ... I figured you might be lost on what to do, since most of the stuff in our wagon was mine ... I didn't mean to offend you.", the contortionist croaked. That helped absolutely nobody. After all, no matter what happened, it was just the two of them that would know, and in a way, tomorrow would look a lot like today did - bleak, and angry, and all the same colors of hate, felt for and given to someone that did not deserve them. There were no two ways about it. Josiah was the one being unjust, the one that swallowed heavily as loud thumbing emitted from the floor, with every single book that fell to it, maybe even damaging the spine. There was enough of them to keep him busy for ages, both of them, but magic was of a bygone era and science was what kept great minds alive. "I'd ... I'd never burn them, if you enjoy them. And I never said you were too gloomy, or that ... this doesn't suit you. Look, I offended you, I understand, and I'm sorry. But I never claimed any of that ... I never said you needed to get rid of anything, I just wanted to help you add something.", he clarified his stance, his voice already wavering as he kneeled down to pick up what Louis had thrown down. Some of the books had slammed open, others had fallen face first onto their cover, but he picked them up quite gently regardless, making neat stacks, all the while he dusted off the covers. It helped to calm himself, to keep himself from just throwing in the towel, but all the covers he read, none of them meant anything to him - why was Louis into these? He couldn't say, but asking now wouldn't help. "You can't or you don't want to? If it's both that's also alright, but if you just can't, then you can't, I'll accept it, alright!", Josiah continued to argue, but in the end, it was in vain anyway. All he could do, it seemed, was clear his throat and think about what he'd done, for just a while. For a moment, as he got back up, and as he walked those few steps that separated him from Louis. For now, he was at fault, he got it, but all those words, they definitely still hurt; they always would. "I never said anything about changing you. Sure, I miss the old Louis, but you probably miss the old you in some way as well, or the old me, for that matter. It's part of growing up, it'll be alright, somehow, okay? I should've paid more attention, I didn't know." The fire was still a big topic that almost everyone avoided, seemingly in fear of triggering Louis, or anyone else that lived to see the aftermath. None of them came away unscathed, most of them in body, but none in mind. "I'm not wasting my time, and I don't need to raise a replacement. We went over this today, didn't we? I'm sorry for bringing it up, I really am. Would it ... help ... no ... Do you want ... to talk about the books?"

"I don't mind if you just ask me once and not five times, because you don't like my answer...", Louis mumbled, still not facing Josiah who started to pick up the books from the floor. He heard him rummaging about behind him for no apparent reason, he didn't have to clean any of this up. It was a mistake to let Josiah come here, it was a mistake to agree to talk to him, there would never come anything of it. He still lived in the worked they grew up in, in a little happy bubble that was only darkened by his former friend who was apparently grumpy for no reason. He'd never understand, he'd never look beyond the edge of this place and he'd never understand Louis or what he did or why he did it. He was better of staying in the shadows with the rest that were like him and leave the light and fun to Josiah and the children. He was alone though, neither belonging in this world, or another. Sometimes he wished he didn't care, sometimes he wished he'd just be like the ringmaster - self-serving and cruel.

"I wish you would at least admit that you don't want to be my friend...", Louis mumbled. Help? No, he didn't believe Josiah. All he wanted was his Louis back, but the Louis now could as well worn a different face and a different body. He only shared a history and a name with that boy and nothing more and his history was haunting him in form of Josiah. "You don't have to say it out loud, I see it every time you look at me and I feel it when you're talking to me, trying to find some resemblance of the boy you knew." All those assumptions were useless when Louis wasn't the same person Josiah once knew. "I can't.", he reiterated. "And I probably don't want to either..." There was no point in going to a beach, there was no point in having friends either. Why was Josiah trying to comfort him now? He was talking about things he'd never understand. "I'm tired. I'd rather go to bed...", Louis mumbled, still not turning around to face Josiah.

True, Louis had every right to be upset, and yet, Josiah wanted to fix that, like he always did. Nothing was good enough for him, he simply wanted to have the entire cake instead of just a slice, just something of it, simply because nothing, absolutely nothing, could compare to what he once had. Wasn't Louis right? He lived in the past, at least to a certain degree, and wanted someone back that he couldn't have - they had tried, they were still trying, but whatever he sought, there was nothing of that boy left, of that friend of his, expect a husk that harbored someone entirely else inside. Was this what he deserved? No, never, neither of them. "It's not that I disliked it, but you've always been a bit more elusive, and talking about yourself was never your strength. Look, I covered my scars up, mostly, but that doesn't mean they don't hurt once every blue moon, and for what I know, you could have bit back your pain just to make me think you were fine. I understand, you are fine, they don't hurt except ocassionaly and I won't ask about them again." And yet, it had flipped a switch inside of Louis once again as it seemed, made him angry, made him resent Josiah, made him mad at a concept of someone ingrained into his head, someone that maybe didn't even exist like that anymore. When did that matter, though?

"I'm not lying, though. I will admit, you are not the easiest person to deal with, you were less reclusive when you were younger, but that doesn't mean I don't like you. I don't think that you think that I am the most easy to deal with either, you know? Let's be honest, we both annoy one another, at least in a way, but annoyance isn't hate.", Jo answered, earnestly this time around, not knowing what he should do. Wouldn't it be awkward if he hugged Louis like this? Probably. And stupid too. They were long separated, had nothing in common, and yet, no matter what, he had to admit that, despite everything, he was - without fail - still this guys friend. Even if he broke his heart, over and over again, with his bare fists, crushing it and then smearing the mushy pulp all over his body. "Don't say that. Do you know why I look at you like that, with the squinted eyes and the puzzled expression? You never smile, and that's what I miss. And I never, really, get to see you up close without a mask, either. The scar on your face feels wrong ... foreign. And it's my fault. That irks me, too." With just that murmur, he was saddened already, but it was the truth, and he wrapped his arms around Lou from behind eventually, sighing as he hugged him - they had so much more to work through. "Let me guess, I can't ask why you can't, because you can't tell me?" Josiah shook his head. "It's fine. I'll go alone, then." Josiah hugged Louis just the faintest bit tighter as he tried to get a glimpse of what lay past him, outside, behind the curtains of this wagon, away from flickering candlelight. "Can I borrow some books, then?"

"Even if I lied, I wouldn't want you to know the truth, right? Just take my answer for what it is...", Louis asked of Josiah. He didn't want to reiterate the same things over and over again, that was why he avoided certain topics altogether and certain people too. There was no point in holding onto old concepts and old memories, those times were over and no matter what Josiah did, as much as the scars wouldn't suddenly vanish from Louis face, as much likely was it, that he'd never change back to who he was. Maybe if someone gave him a really hard hit on the head and made him forget the past three years, but that was really the only way. When Louis thought about it, he didn't even know where Josiah was hurt. He caught some glimpses, but after the left the burning tent with him, there was nothing more he could remember. Afterwards they didn't talk anymore, much less did they show each other their bodies. Louis knew there were scars on Josiahs arm, but he didn't know how he was doing right after the accident either.

"But you don't even know me...", Louis mumbled. How could he? Louis changed and they never talked, truly talked. Josiah grew up too, but he was largely the same person he'd always been, which was something Louis loved and hated at the same time. He was envious of his oblivious state of mind too. Suddenly he felt Josiahs arms around him. Louis didn't move, didn't wiggle out of it, in fact the warmth on his back felt comforting, but it also made it harder to keep his emotions bottled up. "I told you it's not your fault...", he grumbled. "I decided to run in there. Do you think I'd feel better if I'd just waited outside and only found your charred corpse? That would be much worse than some burnt skin..." Well he was sorry to not look esthetically pleasing to his friend anymore... "I can't tell you.", Louis agreed and only received a tighter hug. "Mhm...", he nodded to Josiahs question. Then suddenly he turned around, facing Josiah up close. "Do you really think this scar is so ugly, it wasn't worth your life?"

"Yes, but I'm no kid anymore, you needn't protect me from the everything and you know that, too.", he replied, slightly disappointed over the statement. They'd grown up, away from one another, and they'd spent time by themselves, all on their own, doubtfully engaged in conversations with people that had stopped existing at one point or the other. No matter what, he figured, they were the same, at least deep down, somewhere, amidst all the fog that clouded their judgement. Jo would press his face against Louis' back if he could, but like this, they both were almost the same size, still. He'd never catch back up to him. "But ... I'll try. I'll take your word for it from now on.", Josiah assured his former best friend. Louis wasn't just cold, he also felt cold, but that could be changed, sooner or later, and they'd get back on track with everything they had, too. Why waste their time on something like this, something so inefficent that it almost hurt? For once, he could not find an answer, or come up with one, even if he would simply bullshit one in the past - he wished for his friend to be back, to be in one piece, to be who he once was, three years ago. But wishes weren't helpful, not now, they were something for little kids and adults that dreaded growing up.

"And? You didn't reject me before, and I have plenty of time to figure the new you out. If you let, that is - because even if you've changed, you're still you, and you are still my friend.", Josiah murmured, and he meant it. For now, he felt oddly relaxed, and not just that, he felt welcome, here and now, in this little wagon that wasn't his to judge, but one that was his best friends and carried much more personality with it than he'd taken it for - he'd have to look for it, surely, but it still meant that beneath this cold, glistening layer, someone slumbered - someone existed. "I know, but you can't blame me for faulting myself, either. You know how I am." It didn't need to happen and they all coped differently with the events that had transpired, and yet, none of them were able to let the past be what it was: The past. "No, but that's not what I mean. You did something that I appreciate you for, but ... if I had been stronger, you wouldn't have had to do that, you know? But I panicked, and didn't know what to do, despite being the smartypants and the guy calling the shots every other time. I just don't like fire very much. I'm sorry.", he apologized, almost casting down his gaze and hiding himself away, but that didn't happen. Josiah was whipped around and he was faced with Louis scar, his eyes widening in surprise. "I never said it was ugly. I can't say I like it, but it's because it shouldn't be there ... my life isn't worth you risking yours, though, but I appreciate it. A lot. Thank you, Louis ... I never got to say that." Where would his hands go? A good question, one he immediately answered when he pulled Louis back into a hug. "Am I overbearing?"

"I'm not... I did, but... I'd tell you everything if I could right now... but I can't.", Louis answered, biting his own lip and furrowing his brow. Josiah was right, he was not a kid anymore, he'd grown up and Louis could tell him everything, he didn't need to protect him from the truth, but that didn't change the fact that he still couldn't say anything. "I'm not lying about my scars though... sometimes they hurt. They did yesterday night, but it's over now and I don't feel them most of the time." That was the truth, though the pain he felt, if he felt is usually was more than a tingling, it was more like a scorching burn, inside his body and out, but that hardly mattered. It happened rarely and there was nothing Josiah could do about it either. He worried way too much and searched for an explanation for what happened to his friend everywhere he could. Was it pain that made him angry? Anger over the fact that it was Josiah he went back for? No, none of that was true.

"That's not... really true. I know I am different. Why is it you never talk to me before the shows, or after?" That Louis was more akin to his former self, even though who he was now didn't always appreciate his second side. Still, that Louis would hardly yell at Josiah, or do him any harm, even though he wouldn't have answers either. "You shouldn't fault yourself. Your are not even the only one I went in for... besides, as I said, what would I have done if I just let you die there?" Louis ran in multiple times, but after he noticed Josiah not being among all the others he rescued, nor the onlookers or helpers that tried to bring water, he needed to go back inside one last time. "Stop apologizing. It happened and it's not our fault. You didn't start the fire, it was an accident, that's all..." It was no ones fault. "Stop talking nonesense...", Louis mumbled, but he was already pulled into another tight hug. "Yes.", he plainly answered Josiahs question and this time raised his hands to place them hesitantly on Josiahs back.

"It's alright, it's ... I understand. I won't pressure you, okay?", Josiah clarified his newfound stance. If anything, he wanted Louis to rest easy, knowing he had someone at his side, whether he liked it or not, and that that someone wouldn't ever harm him anymore, despite what he'd done so many hours ago. They should get along and set aside their differences, and yet, maybe it was for the best if they didn't, or perhaps if they simply spent one too many hours apart from one another. "Mhm. It's alright, I understand. I was out of line, and I shouldn't badger you for an answer when you've already given me one. I'm just worried for you, a lot more than I might have let on during the past few years." And not once did he tire of that. While Josiah was sure that Louis was watching out for him, he also was convinced that he could have done more for him, instead of just casting wanton gazes in his direction and questioning whether or not he was doing a good enough job so that his old friend would appreciate it. Like this, though, all of his worries seemed like they were cast off, blown away by the wind that often times whispered so many hurtful things into his wary ears. Perhaps, right now, he could relax.

And yet, he couldn't. Instead, he froze up for a moment, and he wondered, searched his brain for an answer and found the most harrowing to be factual, to be truthful, to be satisfactory. His lips quivered. "It ... it feels off. Wrong. I don't know why, or how, but I don't want to get in your way after the shows. I always thought you might be happier when you don't have to think about anything but your performance, you know? And that's why I left you be.", he answered truthfully, and cast his gaze aside, ashamed of the confession he'd just made, as if he'd ruined this perfectly fine moment. Louis was hard to read, maybe even harder to understand, but all that aside, wasn't he still a man of his word, one way or the other? Perhaps Josiah would have better luck persuing Louis during business hours, or forcing him into a conversation when they both were spent. "I don't know ... I should have done something myself, should've tried to do something, but I just panicked ... and blanked ... I'm sorry. It ... it's ... thank you, Louis, really.", Josiah made quick work of his conflicting emotions and inhaled a breath of air, sharply and quite painfully, before he could get choked up about what was happening right now; he instead let himself be hugged, too, even if not as tightly as he might have expected, it truly was a start. "I'll stop.", he chuckled, pinching Louis in the side. "You were supposed to say no, but I get it. Force of habit.", he giggled, seemingly getting over his gloomy attitude. For a moment, he quit talking and remained in the tight embrace he forced upon his friend, all ears for any sounds he could grasp, but there were none but peaceful breathing, from both of them. Finally, he let go. "Tonight should have been a bit more fun, that's on me ... but, can I ask, are there any books you'd recommend I read? Out of your collection, I mean."

Louis doubted Josiah understood anything, but there was no point in letting him know. He simply nodded and wondered if his friend would stop asking the wrong questions this time around. This situation sucked and half of the time, Louis didn't even know what to do or say. It was better to keep away from Josiah, because he either couldn't say anything, or he got angry at Josiah because he couldn't let a topic go. Josiah was worrying about Louis for all the wrong reasons. His behavior didn't stem from his scars, or them hurting, nor was he angry at Josiah, because he didn't get out himself. He didn't blame him, in fact he didn't blame anyone. It was an accident and his decision led to him getting hurt and subsequently learning more about the circus, things he rather didn't know. This situation and this place weren't fixable, but Louis tried his best and that was what frustrated him and made him cynical and angry. It had nothing to do with Josiah. Sure, he was at times angry at him too, because he didn't care when Louis warned him cryptically, but it wasn't all his friends fault.

"I'm not nervous before the shows if that's what you think...", Louis answered, but he suspected that Josiah was rather wary, because Louis personality switched so drastically. It either was an act, or it was scary and maybe he belonged in one of those penitentiaries or prison. He wouldn't give Josiah any more answers, but he'd be nice to him at least. "I'm not blaming you and stop blaming yourself.", Louis firmly stated. He wouldn't stop talking about this, would he? At least their hug was quiet and Louis rested his head on Josiahs shoulder for a while. He didn't know how to feel about this situation. Was he happy? Finally a little relaxed? If anything it was only a fleeting escape of the struggles that wouldn't just go away. Josiah was the first to move away and Louis let go of him. "The books?", Louis asked almost startled. This seemed to be a grey area. How much could he even talk about those? Most of them were for research about this place and the ringmaster. Some were on demonology, so they were incredibly dry and nothing to read from start to finish, but he also had different stories people whispered to each other for decades and that were turned into books. Three years ago Louis would have simply been amazed by the fact that all that was printed got so cheap because of new technology, now at the very least it was helping him find answers. Most of the books were picked up by Josiah anyway, because Louis put something vague or sometimes even a title on his shopping list. Louis tried to reach for one of the books and to his surprise this clue was hazy enough to actually allow him to show it to Josiah. He pulled it out and handed it over. It was a book consisting of multiple short stories and myths about various things. Most stories revolved around demons stealing souls and coaxing humans into impossible situations, or them tricking humans to give away their most valuable goods, which mostly weren't of material nature. There even was a story of children turned into dolls, once their souls were extracted.

The time was nigh; Josiah could ask question after question and he'd never receive a proper answer it seemed. The devil had ensnared Louis' tongue, stolen his voice from him in the very moment that the man even as much as dared to speak, but it mattered little. Nothing had changed in the past few years, that was the truth that he kept telling himself, even if he knew that many more things had turned out differently than they ever should have. Both him and Louis had grown up and now, they were lost in echo chambers of their own design, ensnared and trapped in a reality they themselves could only accept as what it was for the smallest fragment of a moment. Before long, cold shivers ran down the blondes spine and hot spikes of what seemed to be fever were knocking at his forehead, reminding him that why, yes, there were other things he'd be able to discuss with his dearest friend. "No, not nervous. You just seem like you are an entirely different person, you know? Whisked away from the usual nonsense that I figure you think about, but ... it's like there's two of you, and I keep repeating myself, but it's really kind of uncanny.", Josiah elaborated. Not just uncanny, that was. Almost foolishly questionable.

As they separated and he received one answer for those many things he had asked about, Josiah was not sure if it was given to him because he asked nicely or perhaps it was simply slipped into his pocket because there was little else that Louis could give him to satisfy him. "I ... I will do that.", he agreed, his voice thin but his resolve strenghtened in many more ways than one. While there were many more endeavors the two of them had undertaken in their youth, they had grown older now and Josiah was to respect the boundary that this man set. "Yes, the books. You have lots of them, you know - I want to know more." It might help. Josiah foolishly believed it actually would help, and worse yet, that it would award him with something he could not have; at least not beyond the usual measure of things that enraptured him. Both of his eyes glinted in the candlelight as he received a wordless recommendation from Louis; Josiah flung through it, looked up and tilted his head. A lost puppy, once more found and embraced by an owner it could hardly understand in the first place. Perhaps the two of them ought to make everything just a little better for themselves, as long as they had their private moments. "Is that ... going to give me any kind of answers?" Pertaining to Louis, that was, but Josiah had no idea about his predicament. Overall, he figured it was something akin to light suffering, or perhaps deeper issues, like a foreboding trauma that he could not wrap his head around. Whatever the case, still, they could get along with one another if they simply tried, no? "I ... um ... Louis? Do you ... what do we do now?" Could he stay? Should he leave? Josiah was torn.

Louis scared people, he knew as much and he also knew that his scar had little impact despite it looking gnarly. It wasn't even his strict behavior most of the time, it was the fact that his personality simply switched at times. "I'm sorry...", Louis mumbled. Even Josiah, who was supposed to be his best friend, was somewhat scared of Louis. "It's not like I switch places... I'm aware of what's going on and what I do... Even if I ignored our fight two days ago, it just felt right to instead try and help you and smile, no matter what you said to me. Sometimes I just don't want to fight.", Louis tried to explain. He wasn't hating his other self either, because it really wasn't, it was all him and all were his decisions. It was hard to explain and it didn't make much sense, not even to himself. He didn't know what made him this way, or what caused him to switch. He was like a clock in that regard and he was sure the ringmaster had answers, but he couldn't ask him.

Louis watched Josiah flip through the pages of the book he gave him, but he probably didn't know what to look for. Louis couldn't tell him either and maybe he'd just enjoy the stories. Louis always liked scary stories and told or read them to Josiah who mostly got at least a bit scared. He still was easily spooked, but for good reason. Louis couldn't tell him that there were answers in this, but he didn't refute either. For now Louis looked at the mess he himself made just before, then back to Josiah who asked a valid question. "You don't have to go.", Louis answered and started to get his bookss together and put them back to where they belonged. He wasn't really sure how to entertain Josiah though.

In essence, he'd simply leave and pour over this book once he was alone, questioning any and all intentions he'd ever had as he asked himself if, despite everything, he still was the person he ought to be - if this stranger, the wolf, hiding with a sheeps - his friends - body wasn't lying to him. Had Louis changed or did Josiah just not pay enough attention? There was no way of saying what it was, though, it became awkwardly clear once he'd think about it for more than just a few moments - even if his assumptions were wrong, as long as they reached a somewhat equal conclusion, perhaps it would work. "What for? You're alright. I'm sorry for barging in here and making you worry again.", the blonde confessed. There was so much more he could apologize for, many more things that he had done wrong in the past, but Louis probably didn't want to hear it. Both of them needed a good nights sleep, if anything, and perhaps some time for one another to fully figure out what it was that would help them understand one another. Perhaps it also was just something that Lou didn't want help with; something he was afraid of, but Josiah couldn't say, not without a definite answer. "Avoiding conflict doesn't sound like you, but I guess things change.", he admitted.

Whatever happened between Louis and the ringmaster, he still couldn't say, but he let go of Louis for now and pondered the book he'd been given, let his gaze wander over the marked pages - it was rude to stare, just as it was rude to sit idly by, which meant that he put the book aside for now and started to help Louis with cleaning up the mess he'd made just earlier. Frustrations were normal, and perhaps the ringmaster had ... what if he ...? Josiah had the wrong idea, but it all fell into place like some sort of funny puzzle - and then, he didn't want to believe it, not when his stomach formed into a knot and he was sure that it had to have been that; and Louis didn't want to talk about it because he was ashamed, wasn't that it? His mouth formed a thin line as he squinted at his own conclusion - no, that seemed to be obvious. Lou would tell him, wouldn't he? "But we should get some rest. Aren't you tired? I mean, I kind of am. And I don't want to occupy some space in your bed that you need for yourself." It was still cramped in here, tiny even, which didn't help with cleaning, or even sleeping. If Josiah thought about it, there was nothing that he knew about this wagon and as he looked at Louis, he also realized that there had to be ... he needed to stop doing that. "I have a question. What do I do if I figure it out?", he asked out of the blue as he stood there, with a handful of books and tried to sort them back into their respective spaces.

"Sorry for making you uncomfortable.", Louis made clear. He didn't mean to and he knew that him switching his approach to life so drastically and quickly could be scary. He wasn't really aware of what others thought about it. Some only approached him when he was, well, more approachable, others like Josiah kept away from that side of him, because they felt it was uncanny. The children didn't like hi either way, they were scared and then probably confused and maybe grossed out by his seemingly false kindness. Louis looked at Josiah somewhat surprised but thought about his words a bit. "I guess not... I don't know. I never wanted to get into fights, but I wanted to stand up for my friends." He still did, though he got into more arguments now. Back when they both were younger all the problems Louis had now seemed to insignificant. There were times he complained for hours because he thought some customer shot Josiah a funny look. Sometimes he complained about the apples not being sweet enough. Sometimes he simply wished to have a performance together with Josiah. Sometimes cleaning up was boring. Sometimes he'd start a water fight with Josiah over it.

"You don't need to help me clean up.", he voiced while putting some more books back on the shelve. He also noticed Josiahs weird look and his changing expression as he seemingly had some idea which shocked him, only to chalk it off or something. "What is it?", Louis plainly asked. It was a different look than the one he got when Josiah looked at Louis scars and felt bad about them, that look Louis knew too well. "Well yeah... although travelling mostly means less work for me than not." For most of them travelling meant a lot o stress and physical labor. For Louis it meant a bit more time for himself. After all he couldn't train the children when they were moving from place to place. "If you want to go to bed, I won't stop you.", he eventually smiled. He wouldn't keep Josiah here, but he also didn't want to kick him out. After the next question met Louis ears he didn't look at Josiah again, he simply occupied himself with putting more books back on the shelve, even though he now was almost done with that. "I... don't know." Stay save. Don't do anything reckless. Don't tell anyone you don't 100% trust. Don't try and save me. "Talk to me...? I guess...?" Just don't be mad at me...

"It's ... not like you can control it, you know? I'm not mad. Not at all.", he clarified, and perhaps, one would call him a saint for that, but Josiah hardly was. Not only was he somewhat impatient, he had to admit that he wanted to get to the bottom of this in a flash, figure out what was wrong and get back what he had lost, but that simply wouldn't happen, no matter how hard he tried. It seemed stupid, perhaps it was, moreso than he'd ever admit, but it was all that he had left - one attempt, followed by the other, and then, all of a sudden, everything he'd ever put his mind to would just be done and over with. Josiah would figure this out, he kind of owed it to someone, and if that was the Louis of the past, he'd still not mind it. Sure, it was a surreal, almost comical feeling that he was obsessed with someone that no longer existed, but what else was he supposed to do? Cry about spilled milk while it still dripped down the edges of the table? No, that seemed childish, and for as much of a kid that he could be, he also knew that this wasn't something to joke about, that this was important to not just him but Louis as well. "You did! Plenty of times! It was a bit odd, if I think about it, because I was the older one, but it was always ... nice, you know?" And in a way, he felt like he owed Louis something, if not for his honesty, then for all the times he'd been there for him in the past.

"I'm at fault, so of course I'll help you.", he voiced. Surely, he meant it too, and he was swiftly putting away some more copies of books he'd never heard before. Giving Louis credit was hard, but this shouldn't be - all of these books cared a similar style, a love for a theme, and while Josiah would believe that reading just more than two of these would eternally curse him, he also knew that he was doing the right thing; he had to understand what had happened here, figure it out on his own, almost as if it were some sort of game that neither of them was capable of partaking in. Honestly? There was so much more to learn from whatever was plagueing him. Overall, there was a lot to learn from Louis, even from the way he sorted his books, or how neatly he worked, while all that Josiah did seemed rushed and unfinished, haphazard and in some way had kinks or tears in it, to make it easier to cheat, to help the youngins understand. "True, but what if I dump half the kids on you tomorrow for some fun? Not that I will, but you know how they can be if you leave them alone for a bit too long - and I mean, Arthur never travelled with us before, so that's going to be a whole other event." That wasn't even a lie - for whatever reason, all of them were more anxious and somewhat obsessed with showing the new kid the fun things about travelling, and while they did, the older kids seemingly disappeared into thin air and it all became much more of a mess. "No, I'm fine for now, don't ... don't worry. I just thought I should mention it. If you are tired, do tell me though!", he insisted and, as apologetic as he just had been, as embarrassed he was next. "I ... alright. I'll ... keep that in mind. For when I'm sure I've figured it out, okay? No half-baked theories anymore. And if I'm wrong, you'll tell me - okay?"

In the end Louis couldn't change anything about his predicament. He couldn't change how he behaved, he couldn't tell Josiah the truth and he wasn't sure if he was even able to protect anyone. He couldn't find out who or what the ringmaster was exactly, or how to maybe even fight him, he couldn't leave this place and he couldn't make Josiah leave either. All seemed to futile and still Louis struggled and struggled with all he had, achieving absolutely nothing except being feared by most and detested by his best friend. "Well you never were as vocal as me... or as opinionated I guess. I had too many ideas and opinions." And every stupid thought that popped into Louis head back then, he'd voice and sometimes even fight for it. Why not ride the lions? He prepared whole speeches for the crew and the ringmaster to convince them that his new, crazy idea wasn't that crazy to begin with and he'd rope Josiah into it, helping him prepare and draw signs. How often did he have to listen to the same speech over and over again, until Louis felt he was sufficiently prepared?

"Huh? How? I threw them around...", Louis mumbled and put the last book away. There was only one hole left and it belonged to the book he gave Josiah. "I don't think Arthur will be much work.", Louis reminded his friend. Their new addition was soft spoken and behaved. The others wouldn't want to be left behind either. There was mostly not much to do but follow the wagons. Sometimes they had to pull one out of some mud, but that was about it and the ringmaster led the way with his wagon. They just needed to follow... like lambs that were led to the slaughter. Now that all books were tucked away and Josiah expressed that he wasn't too tired yet, they kind of were at a loss. Louis gathered the cards that were also partly strewn on the floor and shuffled them once he had them all together. "I'll tell you if you're wrong." Louis could do that, he was sure. For now he sat down again. "Wanna see a card trick you probably still haven't figured out?", he asked with a soft smile. Louis usually only did this for customers nowadays but when he started learning card tricks, Josiah had always been his guineapig. There were times he sent Louis out of their wagon, into the cold, sent him to take a walk, just so he could shuffle the cards without Louis seeing him, possibly reordering them by hand and having multiple strategies, but in the end Louis always showed him the correct card. Sometimes it drove him crazy and Louis, who mostly shared everything with his best friend, decided he wouldn't ruin his fun by explaining how it worked.

They each had their own recipe for happiness and could, or would not, be satiated by some weird answers that spun around their heads like ants sent on the trail of another, forming a circle of doom - Josiah wanted to know, Louis couldn't tell, and in a way, they were kind of making it worse for each other. Lou invited him to try and figure it out but Josiah was dense, always had been, always would be, and he had to admit that he was at a loss regardless - couldn't someone spell it out for him? It seemed easy but hard at the same time, much like these things seemed to be something that he shouldn't find himself engrossed with and yet he did - he always would; he was just like that. "Oh god, don't remind me. What about the ... what was it? Didn't you want the ringmaster to allow us to take one of the alligators we had to take swamp when we passed one? And you ... you suggested we walk them like dogs, I remember now. In hindsight, I'm more confused that you've become the more responsible one, like, what? How even?", Josiah had a good giggle about it as he imagined the large amphibians being paraded around on small leashes by young kids who couldn't even hold them in place, and while the idea itself was a funny one, everyone knew that the execution would end fatally, if nobody put a stop to it. Thankfully, the ringmaster had never agreed to many of Louis insane ideas, and if he did, then it was strictly to a few that couldn't hurt too much.

"I was being insensitive and didn't even think before I opened my mouth. You wouldn't have tossed them around if I hadn't pissed you off.", Josiah responded, owning up to his mistakes. Those had not only been apparent, he'd also rather check himself before he wrecked himself and enjoy the short time that he could spend with Louis outside of their opening hours, no matter what they did with one another during it. "No, not him. But the others. You know how they can be - only sometimes, but still." Even that aside, he'd still keep a close eye on Lucas and make sure he wouldn't just be lost like that, or get into trouble on their journey. What if the ringmaster had vile intentions? Josiah felt disgusted if he even just thought about it, which was why he felt as if ignoring the issue, at least for the rest of the night, would make it easier on him - and Lou seemed to feel the same. Without further ado, he sat himself in his initial spot and looked on, toward those cards that had kind of sealed his fate earlier; his stomach had turned to knots and felt like it had been filled all the way up with some stones, sinking down into the deepest pits. "You'll tell me. Alright. That works." Before any judgement could be passed, Jo found himself smiling back and sighed, almost excited about the mundane trick he was going to experience. "Hit me, magician. It can't be that hard, I had three years, so don't be mad if I got it figured out!" He didn't, probably not, and nobody would ever tell him, because Louis was the best at tricks like these and it drove Josiah up a wall.