eat your young (earinor & marquis)

Louis left, still none the wiser. He didn't wabt to argue or fight, he wanted everyone to be happy and enjoy the night. Maybe in his absence everything would calm down. Louis went on to check the ropes and beams, the seats and stalls and person after person wandered to their designated places. Louis opened the gates to the circus himself, welcoming thwir visitors that already lined up before it. He greeted them and smiled while Arthur and Jack collected their money for the tickets. The mass poured in, entertained by the performers egging them on outside. They had some time to look around and buy treats and food. Eventually all of them entered the big tent and sat down. As always the tent was packed and there was no free seat left. Louis was first on stage, welcoming the crowd and presenting their show. He led them through every part like the coherent glue that made all of this fit together. Arthur was walking around the crowed to offer snacks, the rest was performing one by one, Josiah included. After the show had ended the guest stayed a while longer and Louis kept up his smile until he again closed the gates.

After closing the gates Louis smile faded and he stood there for a while, looking out, yearningly almost. Eventually he left and started to clean up a bit, though most was already done. He was beckoned vy the ringmaster tonight, but only visited him for a short yet unpleasant conversation. Next Louis went back into thw big tent. He opened one of the flaps, reveiling the stars and the moon. It was almost eery with the tent so empty and dipped into a blue hue. Louis set up the net, even though they wouldn't need it tomorrow. Once that was done he climbed up the beam, junped off the platform and lay down in the net. He didn't want to be in his wagon. It was dark, packed and stuffy. Tonight he wanted to lay here under the stars with a fresh waft of air brushing over him. It was his last chance until they'd arrive at their next destination. Tomorrow they would deconstruct the whole circus and then be on their way again very soon, to visit the next town. It was always rather stressful, but either way, it wasn't what was on his mind tonight. Josiah was. He never had pushed him like that, he had never been this angry before. Did he succeed in severing their connection? Louis looked at the night sky, slightly shivering. His scars hurt tonight, but he'd live through it.

Josiah was open to just about anything, and he was one of the few people in this circus that, for the lack of a better word, would always have a sweet spot for anyone that surrounded him. In a way, he was the one that dragged those kids here and made them his own responsibility, and yet, he couldn't help but wait in awe for the simple things in life; for a moment of silence when every single flame in this circus went out. Tonights show was one of laughter, a cacophony of idiocy and mesmerized stares of an audience impressed by things that, as expected, had happened a hundred times before. The common folk was easy to impress, but that didn't mean anything in the face of adversity - it meant little, for both him and Louis, or anyone else; but regardless of that, it still stuck in his mind like nothing else, much like a pesky fly that annoyed him, or a mosquito that was addicted to his blood - there was no way out of this one for him, not with so many of the girls and boys nagging him for not wearing a smile and dragging him away by each finger individually so they could get some help getting ready for bed and, more importantly, get a story out of him. He sighed and relinquished himself to them, barely interested in what he was doing, as long as it kept his mind away from things.

By the time he had finished reading the entire story to the kids, all of them had drifted off and were either peacefully sleeping away or snorring. Well, aside from one bugger: Arthur. Josiah looked at him, with a raised eyebrow, taken aback by the fact that he was the center of the little guys attention in the first place. "Hm? What's wrong?", he whispered, carefully waltzing as close to Arthur as he could. "C-can I go sleep ... in the tent?", the youngin asked, but all that Jo had for him tonight was a shake of his head and a slight chuckle. "No. The net isn't up, and I don't want to cause any ruckus. Who's idea was that?" "M-my own ..." "Mhm." The blonde shook the head and looked at Arthur with no malice but enough of pity. There was too much going on, and even with this little guy all tuckered out, sleeping on the platform up there without any net to keep him up was worrying enough - he wasn't like Leila or Cornelia, and Josiah didn't want to be the one responsible for him. "We'll do that another day, now go to bed. You'll need the strength tomorrow." With a wink, he let himself out, and the moment he closed the wagons door behind him - the moment he heard a silent thud of fabric as Arthur let himself fall back, it seemed - the smile was wiped off of his face and his own nightly routine started. A wash, a change of clothes, a trip to bed and afterward, and agonizingly long stare-off with a wall as he lay there, wholly unprepared for what was yet to come. His thoughts festered with hatred and anguish, and his own assumptions were nothing more than biased, potentially - he'd love to hear the truth, something he'd never get out of Louis, and by the time morning came around, he'd have forgotten about it; at least he had hoped he would, because in the end, when he found himself back in the pantry wagon for breakfast, he had bags under his eyes and looked even less agreeable than before.

Louis woke up early, as always and he still lay in the net spanned across the big tent. He didn't get much sleep, usually he was fine, but that night his scars hurt and he had had troubles breathing. Still, he got enough sleep to be the first to get up and climb down the beam. He washed himself, changed his clothes, then started to disassemble the tent, at least what he could do alone. Eventually he heard people get up as well. They were getting ready for the day and preparing breakfast. He was beckoned to join them and he did, getting some bread and butter. He sat down with the others, but away from most of the chatter, avoding those three from yesterday most of all. The children joined too, Arthur among them and the others explained to him what they'd do today. There would be not much training and theyd have to pack everything up. While the grown ups did the heavy lifting, the younger ones usually collected all the lose items and stored them in the wagons.

When Josiah entered the tent Louis quickly averted his gaze. He didn't want another fight, nor did he want the others to butt in. He wondered what their fight would mean for the future, but they got past without talking much for years, why not go back to it again? This was different though. It seemed like Josiah wouldn't just ignore him or take him for dead. He seemed angry and like he wanted to stay mad at his former best friend. Besides that he seemed tired too however. Surely what happened had some effect on him too, yet it wasn't Louis place to ask him how he was faring and there was no point in apologizing as long as he couldn't give Josiah the answers he seeked. He could let him help, but in the end he wanted him to stop caring, didn't he? Why would Louis jeopardize that? He felt bad, that was why. He felt bad for Josiah and bad for what he said to him.

They were chattering away again, something that Josiah accepted as a fact rather than a common occurrence and he fished for it to stay that way. All in all, he couldn't claim that he was happy about everything that had been happening, but he had doomed himself the moment he grabbed a chair, sat down and someone else was sliding him some bread and butter to use; he didn't want more, but while the kids behaved, the adults took it as some sort of go-ahead. "So, did you two make up?", someone asked with a moutful of food and was promptly elbowed, or maybe kicked, by another person sitting next or opposite of them at the table. That was uncalled for, but Jo let it slide. Silence was important in moments like these, and maybe ignoring Louis would help more than anything - even if those snide, stupid eyes were on him and Jo could feel them watch his every movement as he reached over for a jar of marmelade that someone had probably popped open. "I was just asking if the two of them would ever go back to being into each other, that's all!", another person complained and Josiah was grateful that he didn't have anything to drink, because he would have spat it out right that instant.

He let it slide, ignored it and listened to the kids squabbling over who had gotten more juice in their glass instead, while the slightly older ones were trying to make them all get along. For the most part, that was all he could do, and worse yet, it was all he was willing to do - at a moments notice, things could change and, if not, then he'd still be equipped to deal with them at the very least. As Josiah considered his options, he wasn't even sure if he was making sense and bit into his stale piece of bread anyway. "Look, Lou's clearly staring at him anyway!", another one remarked, almost as if the two of them were the only topic present at this table. Why was anyone surprised he worse such an annoyed expression on his face in the first place, then? Not only was this getting insane, Jo had also lost his appetite when he let go of his food, let it fall back onto its plate and he stared down his dearest, bestest friend. "Stop looking at me like that.", he grumbled, rubbing his tired eyes in the process. Then he cast aside his gaze and looked at the group of gossiping women that, for better or for worse, just wouldn't back off. "Don't you hags have anything else to do? Stop being so annoying so early in the morning, especially with things that are none of your business." "Hags? You can't say that!" Another groan. "And you can't say that I care for Louis more than I have to." This time, Josiah got up, grabbed his slice and just stomped out of the tent. "Wow, what did you do to him to make him that mad about being mentioned in the same breath as you, Lou?"

Louis sat there and he couldn't help but listen to the people talking about him and Josiah. He wondered if they always did, but only now decided to do ot this openly, either way, Josiah never lost his smile ever before. Sure there probably were times in which Louis and Josiah had been mad at each other for more than ten minutes, but that hardly ended up in Josiah looking like he wanted to kill someone. Josiah made clear that they didn't make up and that he didn't want any talk going round regarding it. Some understood, some not and some didn't care. Louis didn't want to get involved and questioned his decisions that led to this point. Suddenly Josiah let go of his food and ended up staring at Louis. For a momenz he thought he'd get punched in the face, instead he was reprimanded for staring at his friend, worrying about him. He wasn't the only one receiving Josiahs ire. Josiah went out of his wsy to put the others into their place as well. This was very unlike him and the role of the annoying prick suited Louis much better.

Even then Louis rarely shouted at anyone, he simply kept to himself most of the time. Josiah ran out angry as ever and everyone, including Louis, watched him storm out. Even the children looked up, trying to figure out what was wrong. "I didn't...", he started, but was interrupted. "Constance is alright, right? You didn't kill her?" Louis didn't comment that stupid joke. "Trashed his stuff maybe?" "Did you punch him?" "Cheat on him!" People were starting to shout out whatever came to mind and didn't take it serious anymore either. Louis meanwhile got up. He didn't want to engage in this and he simply left as well. Telling them off would do nothing. Maybe after running their mouths dry the topic got boring to them and they'd leave them in peace. Then again, that was hardly an option as long as Josiah thrashed around and let his anger out on everyone else. Louis decided to find him, whether that was a good idea or not. Where to start though? He decided to look by the cages first, then maybe his wagon.

Sure, he was rarely as mad as he was now, but for the time being, it sufficed to say that he had completely lost his mind and, for better or worse, was stuck in his own nine hells. None of the humans he cared for gave as much as a damn about him as they should, and none of the people he felt like he could talk to sincerely wanted to do that it seemed. To them, all he was and all Louis was, seemingly wound up being cheap entertainment, and what was worse, there was no reason to refuse that statement either way. And why? Simply because it needed to be the way it always had been, with some hiccups here and there? Possibly. Or maybe, just maybe, the two of them were taking this at way too much face value and fighting over something that could and should be peanuts in the minds eye. As he thought about it, just to be certain, he had stormed off and made his way to Constance's lair - she didn't speak, wasn't annoying and sometimes, when she hadn't been fed in a while, at least tried to be close to him and get to his food; the way to the cages wasn't a long one, but worming himself through them to find the right one was an entire journey in itself.

Constance sometimes wormed herself out of there, he knew that, but this time, she was just fine and complacent in her own cage. Josiah was the one coming into her habitat and messing with her, where he simply slinked himself down with his back against the wall and her big branch of something digging right into it. Of course she was more interested in his food than him, but she slithered down regardless and checked out what he had brought, despite Jo trying to eat his own fill. "No, you can't have that!", he told the large snake, but she didn't understand, or maybe she didn't want to, and just came down to put some weight on him, where her cool, shiny scales were almost bothering him. During colder months, she didn't need to sleep out here, not like some of the others, but still, it had to be miserable and he was surprised she hadn't slithered away into the wilderness just yet. Maybe she knew that there was nothing for her out there, or perhaps she simply had grown attached to what she had. Jo didn't have a long, enjoyable and serene time with her, though - and instead, he heard someone approaching, and came face to face with scarface himself. Of course. "What do you want?"

Louis found Josiah by the cages, after all these years he still knew his friend well enough. Of course the greeting wasn't a warm one, but he didn't expect one either. Josiah remained mad, very much so and at this point Louis wasn't even sure exactly why he reacted this way. While Josiah sat in the cage with the snake crawling on top of him, Louis stayed outside, looking through the iron bars. It was a strange metaphor that wasn't totally lost on him, yet he wasn't sure who was locked up and who stood outside. "I get that you're mad at me.", Louis started stating the obvious. "But you can't let that out on everyone else." Josiah was thrashing around like a child throwing a fit. "It's fine if you hate me, but it's not anyone elses fault." Louis didn't want any friends, that was why he kept to himself. While he occasionally just spoke his mind and wasn't craving in if someone was lazy, he didn't scream at people like Josiah did yesterday and today, especially not if they were just spouting nonesense.

Louis wasn't quite sure why he delivered the news. Maybe because he didn't want Josiah to become as isolated as he himself was, maybe because he didn't approve of the fact that he was yelling at people, or maybe because he wanted to remain some form of harmony amongst their family. If people got stressed, they lost focus and that led to accidents. If they lost trust in each other that was even worse. There was a point made in saying Louis started this and Louis was the one to push Josiah over some edge, so maybe he was the wrong person to say all this. He wondered if anyone else would though and he wondered if Josiah would even listen to them, or him for that matter. They didn't have a lot of space though, not much room for Josiah to get away from anyone, they would run across each other as long as he stayed here.

One of them on the inside of the cage, the other one on the outside of the cage - if he could, he'd probably simply sic Constance on him, but that was neither how that worked, nor something that he wanted to be responsible for in the long run. As it was right now, there was no way of knowing if or why he would get out of this, but in the end, he was simply resigned to sigh and look at Louis who seemingly acted like the place already belonged to him - sure, if he wanted to be the next ringmaster, nobody would stop him, but that still didn't mean he'd get to be an ass about it, and what was worse, it also didn't mean that he'd get what he'd assume to be some sort of punishment. "I can do what I want. Who's going to stop me? Nobody stopped you while you were doing what you wanted for the past three years.", he huffed, his brows furrowed and his breakfast already eaten. This is why all of this had started in the first place, and yet, regardless of that, Josiah didn't want to be the one that sought Louis out over everything; he was the one that had to keep a calm, level-headed and loving persona all the time, just so that the others could delight in the fact that he was a stupid little idiot that was easy to deal with.

"Oh, so now it's fine if I hate you? How generous of you!", Jo replied, sneering at what he was hearing. If Constance wasn't as slippery as she already was, maybe he'd have grabbed onto her right then and there, keeping her in place and having something that his hopes and dreams could be held up by. Well, none of those were relevant in this instance, not anymore anyway, but fuck, who was he if not an idiot for doing all of this? "I don't care. Why take your time and tell me all of this? I told you want I wanted to tell you, and if you're regretting it now, it's too late. You had three years, and what did you do? Nothing." Frankly, he should have let him die that night if everything was going to pan out like this - to Josiah, Louis was already dead and those scars were simply drawn onto a halfbaked canvas that had no color on it in the end. This wasn't the person he knew and cherished and this surely wasn't anyone he genuinely cared about. In the end, Josiah couldn't help it, he couldn't help being soft for someone he loved and he couldn't help just admiring the strength that Louis had, but he hated him for it. "Don't you have somewhere else to be? You don't care about me, you haven't in forever. Why now? Just because I'm interrupting with you managing this place? Of course. Sorry that I make your precious, important time soooo hard."

Josiah almost sounded jealous, but Louis couldn't figure out why. There was nothing to be jealous of, Josiah was the one with all the friends and people who admired him. He was the one that the children went to when they were scared, or hurt, or lonely. He was the one always laughing and smiling with everyone, while Louis cleaned up his messes. "I don't run around and yell at people. Not like that.", he answered calmly. There were those he avoided, those he maybe even detested, but he didn't ell at them in front of everyone, making a huge scene. If they annoyed him, he retaliated and they snickered about it amused by his reaction. Josiah was just... mean. "You are not angry at them. Why are you acting like this?", he asked him again. What else could he do to make him see that he was unreasonable? Then again, if he was deadset on losing everything, maybe Louis should let him. All he had here was merely an illusion anyway, he was better off trying to live a normal life out there.

"I'm not here for my sake. You're making everyone uneasy, the kids included. You don't want that, do you? And before you yell at me, think about it.", Louis replied. There was nothing much he could say was there? Josiah decided not to listen to him. What was it anyway? Was he mad because Louis rarely spoke to him, or because he didn't let him help out here? All this anger seemed a bit much after their two arguments. Was this growing inside of Josiah for years? "And what did you do in three years?", Louis retaliated. Josiah didn't seek him out either. He wasn't the one knocking on Louis door, Louis came to him, he'd been the one to seek some form of contact, something more than their usual argument. Josiah was all joked and smalltalk and nothing more. All Louis wanted was to protect Josiah and to get him out of here, away from this place, but he also wanted him to try and figure things out, to reach out to Louis, to try and save him too. "I could say the same thing about you. Why did you seek me out yesterday? Ambushing me like that? You didn't offer any help in three years either..." Louis wasn't sure if he wanted to continue this conversation. "You don't know the half of it... anyway, I just want you to behave like an adult around the others. If you want to yell at me, do it now, if you feel better punching me, go ahead, but please just leave our private fight out of everyone elses sight..."

What was going on? Louis acted like his mean streak died and he had no fucking idea what he had been on about for the past few hours, but at the same time, Josiah was the one that wasn't going to buy some sort of stupid excuse for a thing that should have been apparent from the getgo. Actually, why was he even entertaining the guy outside of the cage? "Oh, sorry, you walk around and look at everyone as if they pissed on your breakfast. Because that makes a big difference.", Josiah replied, rolling his eyes, almost non-chalantly, as if this had been burning on his tongues for ages, and as if were obvious from the start. Did they have to fight? No. But right now, he wanted to, simply because he could and theoretically because, in a way, he should. His chest was indeed swollen with pride, and his brain overtaken by the thought that, if he backed down now, he'd go back to being the same idiot as always and being called naive; being the stupid one, that couldn't be trusted with anything at all, that couldn't do anything for anyone and was simply a bother to all those around him. "Do I have to spell it out? Because I'm angry at you, and they are annoying.", he sighed, reaching for Constances head and giving her some chin rubs; maybe, just maybe, coming here was the actual problem.

"Think about what? That your job suddenly is the teeniest bit harder? You said you didn't need help, so I'm not helping you." At least not until he admitted that maybe, just maybe, he was in over his head or would appreicate some help, any form of it, as long as it was a genuine attempt at trying to make ends meet. This was childish of him, he knew was much, but he was the one that sat inside a cage and looked up at some stupid idiot that, for all intents and purposes, didn't give a damn about him for the past three years. Now, suddenly, he mattered, because he stuck out like a sore thumb and disturbed the peace between everyone that lived in this pit of dirt. A pit, filled with anger and disappointment; something that became so very apparent once he heard another question that pissed him off. "Are you seriously asking me that?" A puff of anger followed. But this was getting ridiculous anyway, and it wasn't going to get better, not right now, not at this very point in time - not when Louis continued running his mouth around someone that had wanted nothing more than to eat his breakfast in peace, but no, he had to go out of his way to disturb him and be ridiculous about it, too. "Come again?" Yeah, he couldn't have heard that right, but it generally was enough for him to get up and dust off his clothing while he carefully placed Constance back on her branch; she was the only one that didn't deserve that. "I acted wrong yesterday, you're right about that, but insinuating I didn't try once in three years is hurtful. You only care about yourself, do you? You won't even acknowledge I tried at all." Josiah did loom out of the cage, so the bars weren't in the way, but he hadn't left it yet. "I'm not wearing a stupid fake smile like you, and if I'm that much of a bother to you, just say it out loud. Look, you can just say you don't want to be my damn friend anymore and I'll have to accept that, but whatever you're doing now just hurts. It's the worst. I've tried on and off for three years to help you, to get close to you again, and now you spout all that crap right into my face. Do you even use your smart brain up there when you talk to me? Probably not, because I'm the last thing that's important to you. It's always, hey you should just leave, hey what if you just went looking for your parents? I don't know what I did to you that makes you hate me so much, but I already told you yesterday. Go manage your circus or whatever, I don't care anymore - that's what you want anyway."

"Whatever. People are used to my antics and I'm not unnecsassarly mean either. I realize I'm not liked and it is what it is, but you are not me. The children look up to you and the people we grew up with love you. Why would you throw all of that away because you are angry at me? You don't want to be like me, right? You hate me and your goal can't be to be the same.", Louis tried to argue. He didn't want Josiah to throw all he had away. Well in a way he wanted that, but it hurt him to see him be angry like this. Louis knew once he calmed down, he'd be so very disappointed in himself. Louis wanted to save him from that fate, the peace in here was another reason, but not his main one. "They are like they always are and you know that. It's a sore topic I get that, but yelling at them won't make them less interested in the fight we have. As I said, we should just keep this private, away from them, because it is nobody elses business."

Louis sighed. Josiah intently didn't listen to him. "Are you listening to yourself? You're willing to hurt them, just so you can get back at me? The fact that everyone is going to be distracted if this goes on is one thing, but more importantly, you are the one the kids trust. If you call others names and yell at people, they won't know where to turn to... and you don't want to abandon them either, I know you." Josiah would regret this, all of it and Louis simply wanted him to stop before he went too far. If Louis straight out said now that he truly didn't care about Josiah, maybe that would have helped, but he couldn't, whether it was because it wasn't true, or because his body refused, he couldn't tell. It was true however, that Josiah didn't seem to try. If he had Louis and him wouldn't have this discussion, if the tried maybe Josiah would be far away from here already, or at the very least Louis wouldn't be alone anymore. "It's not like that...", Louis answered to basically all of it. There was no fake smile and the reasons Louis reacted like he did were wholy misinterpreted by his friend. He didn't want to not be his friend anymore, but he thought maybe it was better if Josiah wanted nothing to do with him anymore, but he couldn't tell him most of it, because his body refused and forced him to be vague about everything that was important. The children, the circus, the ringmaster, the contracts, the world out there, the so called fake smiles, he could explain none of it without the air getting stuck in his throat and leaving nothing to get out. "I've said what I wanted to say...", he instead ended the conversation more or less. There was nothing he could actually say out loud that would make any of this better. Louis eyes were long fixed to the floor. He understood what Josiah was saying, he knew where the frustration was coming from and Louis wasn't always fair either. He was frustrated too, but only because Josiah didn't even know half of what was going on and he could only work with what he got. "One more thing... if you intend to say goodbye to Lucas, do it soon.", he mumbled, his voice tired and beat. The ringmaster told Louis yesterday, that the young boy, he was only around six years old, wasn't pulling his weight enough. Josiah cared for them, so he figured he'd tell him before it was too late. With that he turned to leave.

"Whatever? Really? That's all you've got?", Josiah grumbled as an answer. Sure, nobody gave five fucks about Louis if he thought that through, but he didn't want to be the one that this guy came to when he needed a shoulder to cry on, nor did he want to be the person that had to painstakingly admit that he liked him with all his flaws, no matter how large they were. Josiah was over that, he wasn't going to look at this world with rosé-tinted glasses anymore, because, quite frankly, that hadn't gotten him anywhere. "I don't care for that, don't you get it? No, you don't. You don't care, it's all whatever to you. You care about yourself, you don't care for the others, and you never even cared for me. Why would you? You got it nice and cozy in your little plush seat, you just need to make everything work in your favor, and for that, I need to get along with the others, isn't it that? Spit it out, you're so good with words in front of the customers but you can't even be assed to give me a real reason. Could have at least done me the favor of telling me what the hell your issue is, instead of wasting twenty years of my life with your dumb charade." Josiah felt like he was the only one that was genuinely hurt by all of this, but maybe the thin veneer of hatred made him blind, obscured his vision and numbed his heart; it felt almost as if it had always been him against the world, never him and Louis - at least in hindsight. "And why? So you can ignore the issue and at least pretend I'm happy because I'm smiling? That'd be the easy way out, and you loooove picking that one, it seems."

There it was, another lesson about his life. Why was this happening? Actually, why was he putting up with that? Josiah clutched the iron bars of the cage he was getting out of and put one of his legs on the ground. This hardly was the best place to have a fight, but they already had one and apparently it didn't matter if it pissed off the animals. Fine. "Stop talking like you know anything. Get off your high and mighty horse and get a grip, I won't do what you tell me just because it's convenient for you - you had a chance, more than one, and you didn't take it. I've been nice enough to the kids, but you don't even trust me with them. Do you want them to be your responsibility instead? Fine, you can have them, go get them ready for bed every night, read them stories and entertain them when they're feeling down. Oh, yeah, and when they have night terrors next, I'm going to tell them to go to you because Louis doesn't want me to interact with them anymore, sorry! You're out of touch with everything, not just me." He shook his head and slammed the cage shut behind him; it didn't earn him Constances ire, in fact, she didn't even care, and that was definitely one way to see it. Maybe he should actually train dogs next, something tall and annoying that he could use to get someone like Louis off his back when he got too stupid and self-absorbed, or perhaps a lion? No, those were beasts he sometimes couldn't handle himself; but even then, that wasn't about that. "Then spit it out! What is it like? Stop playing, Louis! You can't have one and the other if you won't even tell me what for!" What did it matter, huh? Louis would walk it off, this conversation was going to be a puff of smoke tonight and Josiah would be the one that was stuck figuring it all out in his head, bothered and distracted by it for hours to come, or maybe even days. "You haven't said shit, that's the problem.", he cursed Lou out instead, his voice getting louder, more agitated, as he closed the distance between the two of them and grabbed the fabric of Louis shirt to pull him back. If anything, the brunette was the stronger of the two, but Josiah was still doing his best, and the anger was enough - at least temporarly, and long enough for him to punch the younger one. "Goodbye? Are you off your rocker? He is six, for fucks sake, what's the issue?"

"I said things after whatever...", Louis mumbled but Josiah just didn't want to listen, did he? He never wanted to listen or look slightly out of his little happy bubble. One fight and his whole world broke apart, going so far as to call all their time together a lie. They knew each other almost their whole life and yet he couldn't see what was right in front of him. "I care about you..." He refused to take Josiahs phantasies. "I am telling you to not be like that, because I don't want you to regret it later." Louis looked at his friend and he refused to yell back. All he did was for him, Louis risked his own life saving him and he didn't even want as much as a thank you in return. Josiah was the one that said the most hurtful things right now and Louis didn't know what he wanted to achieve. "I wouldn't have gone back inside if I didn't care for you... And I'd do it again." He didn't want Josiah dead, how could he say such a thing? Even if they didn't get along now, did that erase all their time together? "If that's the easy way out for you, then okay, I guess you're right."

Josiah stepped out of the cage, angry as ever, Louis didn't know what to do if he was honest. "It's not... They need someone to train them, I can do that, but they'll never like the person that makes them as much as the one reading them stories. I... I appreciate you do that, I'm just saying you're too nice when they really need to do some work." Though right now with him screamimg this claim seemed ridicolous. Was Josiah after validation? If he hated Louis that could hardly be important to him. Of course Josiah asked again and Louis could only repeat himself. "I can't tell you... " That wasn't what he wanted to hear, but Louis couldn't give him any more. While he was about to go, he felt a pull on his clothes and stumbled back, turning around. Right after he felt a sharp pain in his face and landed on his ass. He told Josiah he could punch him, but he didn't think he'd actually do it. It hurt in more than one way and he was somehwat confused, or at the very least surprised. He'd never been punched before. "It's not my decision...", he mumbled, still sitting on the floor and with no intention to get up.

"You said whatever first. Who cares what you say AFTER whatever if you've already established you don't care? Ugh.", Josiah grumbled, there was no way for him to lose out on that one, surely, but he'd already set everything in motion and was decadently crafting his own downfall, right here, in the middle of nowhere, while he simply wasn't sure what he wanted. He was confused, in many more ways than one, and he realized that way too late - but it was late anyway, today could only get worse, and frankly? He didn't give two fucks. If it happened, so be it - and if it had to happen, that was just one more thing that would bother him, be it because of the severity of the situation, or because he had outwardly deserved it. "You do? I don't see a lot of that at all, though! You cared about me, maybe years ago, but right now? I doubt you do. I doubt you have any idea how I feel, or that you care how much you hurt me, as long as you get me off your back. Isn't that it? To hell with my regrets, as if you give a damn. I'm not some whiny kid anymore, for fucks sake!" Or was he? No, not in a million years. Regrets were for later, when there was actually something to regret, but right now, there was ... not much. Maybe he regretted all of this already, but Josiah was too deep in to admit that now. "You should have let me die, then."

Josiah wasn't in the best of moods, sure, but he got on his knees, or rather onto a fallen Louis' level and, as a way out, sat himself on his torso to keep him pinned down, one fist still balled, in case he needed it. Did he actually punch him in the face? It felt surreal, but it had to happen anyway, didn't it? "Doesn't matter, does it now? Come on. You can read them stories and be there for them just fine, what do you need me for?", the blonde argued. For a second, he contemplated raising his fist, bringing it back down onto Louis faced, but he refrained from doing so - no, outright restrained himself from committing needless violence, if only for now. Why was all of this so hard? Because it dawned upon him that Louis was right? No, no, no. It dawned upon him way too late, and he ahted to admit it. "You can never tell me. It's always the same! Just spit it out.", he grumbled, gripping the collar of Louis shirt and holding it tightly, his fingers almost cramping into the fabric as he thought about it - there was no way in hell he'd ever find out, was there now? "Everything's your decision but that? I'll go talk to ringmaster myself, then, if you won't do it! Why do you ... you ... you piss me off!", Josiah screamed, right into Louis face. "Why can't you ... just why, Louis?"

"There is nothing I can say that would make you listen at this point...", Louis mumbled, not expecting that it would make Josiah listen now. He was too angry and whatever Louis said, it was the wrong thing in his mind. The longer they talked the more angry Josiah got. It seemed like all of this was building up inside of him for a very long time, for three years maybe and at this point he just wanted to say something to hurt Louis. Maybe he wanted to see if he got a reaction, anything at all. "No, you're a whiny adult now!", Louis eventually let burst out. Josiah had an easy life. An easy time. He did his thing, everyone liked him and he lived in oblivious bliss. There were more than a dozen people here that cared for him and one person not treating him like a god set him off like that. When Josiah came to his level, Louis shoved him, shocked that Josiah would go on with this notion of letting him die. "Don't say that!", he told him in a demanding voice. He wanted to tell him, that he didn't even know what Louis did for all of them, that he only wanted to keep everyone save. He wanted to tell him, that he wished the fire never happened, that he didn't know what Louis learned afterwards, with what he had to live since then, but he still would have gotten Josiah out again if he had the chance to turn back time. Instead however he bit his tongue and said nothing. There was no way his voice would carry all those words.

Josiah didn't stop, but aside from the shove, Louis didn't fight back, not even when Josiah sat on top of him, grabbing him by the collar of his shirt. While Josiahs fist was still balled, Louis braced himself for another hit, but there was nothing. "It's not about what I need, it's about what they need!", he answered. Louis needed Josiah too, but he was an adult now and he could live with the isolation, with the pain of losing his best friend, because what else could happen under these circumstances. Josiah was blind, he didn't see what was going on right in front of him. It hurt Louis that his friend didn't try harder, that he never really questioned what happened after the fire and why he couldn't recognize his friend anymore, but he didn't complain about it. "This is exactly what I'm saying the whole time... you think you are responsible by abandoning them just to teach me a lesson of appreciation? Everyone here appreciates you, loves you, everyone wants to be your friend, but you spit in their faces because you are angry at me. That's childish and irresponsible." Louis knew their discussion wasn't about them, but he couldn't talk about the important things and he didn't want to tell Josiah again and again that he couldn't. "I can't talk about it...!", he still once more reiterated furrowing his brows. There would be another punch in his face, but he was ready for it. "No!", Louis suddenly raised his voice. "I told you I'll talk to him if it's that important to you!" He didn't want Josiah near him, not ever, he didn't even want him just passing by his wagon, but he doubted Josiah was listening to anything he said right now. He still held him up by his collar and screamed at him albeit being so close. Louis in turn didn't look at him, he avoided his gaze with a pained expression on his face. "I just can't! Stop... stop asking... I can't. I will never be able to. I don't want to either, but if I could I would have given in by now. So stop asking..."

His fingers dug into fabric that encompassed Louis form - Josiah wasn't done with him, he didn't want to be done with him until his face wasn't the goriest, bloodiest pulp he'd ever laid eyes upon, but he just couldn't bring himself to do it, no matter how much he tried to reason with himself. That was one thing, yes, but the other, quite frankly, encompassed nothing more than a stupid realization - he was nothing more than a clown, but instead of admitting to it, he pretended to be better than that, just by sitting here and yelling at someone that cared about him, hell, he owed Louis something and yet refused to give it to him, and why was that? Because he was an asshole, and an idiot on top of that. "You aren't even trying.", he spat out, angered by himself and not the man he was attacking, raising from the dusty floor to get a better glimpse into a set of eyes that never lied, only to find nothing in them - no connection, no spark, but also no ire or even anger. Josiah dropped him, let him fall and huffed. "I'm not a whiny adult, I'm hurt. Do I need to spell everything out for you? I'm hurt, Louis, by you, because you can't tell me shit! That hurts!", he argued. It did. Why did it hurt in the first place? He should be immune to this, but he wasn't, and quite frankly, he hated every single second of it. "I mean it! You could have just let me die, that would have been easier than this!"

His hands were shaking and trembling when they reached for Louis collar again, when he wasn't sure if he wanted to put his hands there or around his throat to just made him shut up, but Josiah wanted to hear him, wanted to eat every single word that this man had to say and wanted to be nothing more than free of every sin he'd ever committed. There was no way out of this, there was no hope for him in this seemingly endless span of time that consumed him whole. "Then WHY not say that in the first place? But they don't hate you either! They care for you, dammit, be nicer to them every once in a while, they want to see you smile too! Not just when you put it on for the guests!", the blonde argued, and he decided against hitting Louis again. That scarred face of his had seen too much, and obviously suffered enough. Giving him a reason to get those pieces of skin patched up again wouldn't help him, even if he was shaking with anger and barely able to control himself; he didn't want this guys blood on his hands, and this wasn't some childish tussle anymore. "That's not it at all!" Wasn't it, though? "Listen! I ... this ... you ... I'm trying, okay!? I care for you, I've always cared for you, and I'm not doing what I do for anyone, and I don't need you to appreciate it - but I also don't need anyone else to run their mouths about you! They can gossip about me all they want, I don't care about that, but you don't even try to stick up for yourself, and you aren't doing that right now either!", he continued complaining, his voice as angry as ever, but his expression was more tired, maybe slightly softened. Why was Louis so adamant that everyone could walk right over him but not Josiah? That made no sense, he never made any sense. "You never can ... just ... why? Nobody is forcing you to keep it to yourself! And it's clearly not a secret!" His grip strengthened. Was he that stupid? Did he just not want to get it? Josiah didn't know. "It's always the same with you ... what ... just what is your issue? Do you care about me or do you not? And why can't I talk to him? Just ... you're telling me to grow up and be my own person but you won't even let me talk to the ringmaster by myself. You make no sense!" Josiah huffed, then he puffed and eventually, his shoulders slouched. "Is there anything you can tell me, then?"

"I can't give you any answers!", Louis retaliated. What was he supposed to do? He knew what Josiah was truly after, but he couldn't give it to him. Louis couldn't change that, no matter how loud Josiah yelled, or how much he cried, or how often he'd punch Louis. He got pulled from the floor again, still not fighting Josiah off, who seemed unsure if he wanted to punch him again or not. Louis looked at him, waiting for what was to come next, knowing he had no answers for him. But he cared, he really did. Josiah let go and Louis back hurt after falling back to the ground, but only slightly. "I can't change that...", he mumbled. They were going in circles and if Josiah wanted to keep that up until he got answers, they'd be here forever. Louis had no intentions of wrestling himself free though, simply because he didn't want to fight with Josiah, not physically or otherwise. "Why? Because I'm different now? Because I'm not about fun all the time anymore? Because I don't cater to your needs like you want me to? Besides having so many people caring about you, you want to die because one single person doesn't treat you like you expect them to?" And in all that, did Josiah even consider how Louis was feeling? Did he hear himself talking right now?

Again Louis was grabbed, Josiah still angry. "Go on then...", Louis enticed him. "It's not like I can look much scarier than this. If it helps you finally letting go of the old me, then do it." Louis had given up hope long ago, but even that was besides the point. He wanted Josiah to leave this place, but how could he without his best friend? First there needed to be no such thing as a best friend... "I did. You're just not listening..." As always, he never was. This situation sucked and Louis wanted out. When Josiah shifted gears he was confused however. Suddenly Josiah sounded like he was the one protecting Louis and that was all this was about. "Because all they and you say is true. Why would I argue any of that?", he asked visibly confused, more so by the fact that Josiah went from hating him as much as to punch him to wanting to protect Louis. Then Louis demeanor shifted. Of course he was forced, but he couldn't tell Josiah, he simply could choose to not deny it, which he didn't. There was so much he didn't know, but Louis couldn't even tell him that. Suddenly he sat up, grabbing both of Josiahs hands, simply holding them, almost reassuringly, or maybe he tried to reinsure himself. "Please, just..." No, he couldn't even say that. He was frustrated, letting his head hang for a moment, shaking it to try and come up with a sentence he could actually utter, then looking up again. "Trust me, please. I'll talk to him." He sighed, looking at both their hands and shaking his head slowly this time. He didn't know what to say. Half of it he couldn't say and the other half, he was on the fence about. He wanted to tell Josiah that he just wanted to protect him, as always, all the time, but he also wanted to lie to him and wanted to tell him that he hated him and that he didn't want to see him anymore. He couldn't do that... he didn't want to be alone, he didn't want Josiah to be here either, he didn't want to bear everything by himself, but he didn't want to share anything. He couldn't decide a direction and he couldn't tell Josiah the truth either way. "Stay away from..." The ringmaster. That's what he wanted to say, but the words got stuck in his throat as if someone had sewn his mouth shut, there wasn't anything else getting out.

"You never can, never! And that fucking sucks!", he complained. Truth be told, Josiah wasn't as much on the fence about it as he believed he would be, and yet, his entire body felt as if it was jittering all over yet again. There was no way out of this, much like there wasn't any way for him to combat any of this, and yet ... well, and yet, he was the one of the two of them that was keeping Louis pinned to the ground, yelling obsceneties at him and claiming he was the worst person to ever walk this side of the earth. Was he now? Maybe. But maybe he wasn't, and potentially, just arguably, he could have been someone entirely else - someone that he had never known in the first place. Too much had changed in the past few years, they had grown up too fast or maybe too far apart, but even then, even now, why was he holding onto someone that had cast aside all value that their friendship once held? "Why not? What keeps you from trying? Nothing. Just because you're self-serving and obsessed with making things right doesn't mean you can't just try!", Josiah demanded of him, not understanding the underlying issue that was present in the first place. To him, all this was the same. "No! I don't care if you change, I don't care if I'm not having any fun anymore, but I care about you and I care about the fact that you don't care for me anymore! I should stop caring, but I can't, but it's so easy for you and it sucks! You should have just let me die so I don't have to deal with this!"

"Nothing is going to help! Not even letting go of who you used to be!", Josiah complained, his voice dry and his eyes hurt - he didn't break contact with Louis, he didn't want to, he needed something to cling to, even if it agitated him to even be in this situation, to be so close to this guy, to have to admit that he was at fault for all of this. "I'm listening! I just don't want to hear anything that's not true because you keep trying to make this easy on yourself and I won't let you out of this just like that!" It was always the same - Louis would take a beating from just about anyone before he'd had the chance to even argue. There was no way of getting through to him, not when he was set in his ways and decided he deserved something that he, honestly, was undeserving of, simply because not only was it not what anyone wished upon him, but at the same time, it merely let hurt and hatred fester within his heart. "It's not true! You never even tried! You just took every beating from anyone ever, even as a kid - don't be like that, you idiot! Deep down you know you don't deserve it, but you always need me to point it out to you." Nobody really deserved Louis, not even Josiah himself, but even then, even now, maybe it was too harsh of an assumption - maybe it was too much to admit to, and maybe, just maybe, he had the wrong picture. Yet again he had to ask himself, over and over again, if this was truly what he wanted or not. Was this what he needed or not? There was no telling, hell, there was no way to realize. Silence. His heart hurt, but Josiah couldn't get up, he was glued to Louis, his legs weak and his body trembling, even after all of this, even when his hands were grabbed and his eyes lay on somebody that he didn't want to touch, no, that he didn't want to feel softness from. And yet, whether he liked it or not, he still looked at Louis and listened to him, his anger swallowed down and his lip trembling. "Really? You will?", he asked again, but this time, Josiah didn't wait for an answer, he simply let his hands be squeezed as his fingers dug into his own skin and he leaned forward, letting his head rest on Louis shoulder. He felt like crying, but there was nothing, he was too old for that. "Hm?" No, that sentences wouldn't ever get finished, but he sighed. "Sorry for punching you. I'll stay away from him if that's what you really want."

Louis knew that him not being able to tell Josiah anything sucked, he knew it very well. He couldn't do anything about it and there was nothing else to do for him than to take Josiahs verbal beating. He was done telling him the same facts over and over again and he just kept on the floor with him, not looking at him most of the time. Maybe Louis was self serving and obsessed, maybe if he'd been less concerned about himself, Josiah wouldn't be here anymore. Maybe he'd be far away and safe, if Louis didn't cling to him like he did, there was always a part of him that wanted him to stay. Maybe he also was obsessed, but wasn't it his duty, his punishment, his responsibility to protect all those around him? He did it in the only way he knew how, even if that hurt people, at least they stayed alive, right? Again Josiah talked about dying, about not wanting to be alive because of Louis and that definitely wasn't his goal. Louis did care, but Josiah apparently couldn't see that, maybe he didn't care enough.

If Josiah was right with one thing, then that nothing was helping. Whatever Louis said, whatever he did or allowed Josiah to do without repercussions, none of it soothed his anger. He was still yelling, still on the fence about punching Louis and still pinning him to the dirty and cold ground. "Easy...?", Louis asked, but maybe it was easier taking a beating, then listening to Josiahs pain. He looked up, now Josiah wanted him to stand up for himself? Louis didn't understand what was expected of him. What didn't he deserve? The gossiping? Or Josiahs yelling? Louis thought everyone had a fair point here. He was surprised when Josiahs anger tuned down and he tiredly placed his hand on Louis shoulder. "Yes. I'll make him reconsider.", Louis told Josiah and apparently that gave him some comfort. It would never be what Louis could say, only what he could do that would calm Josiah. The ringmaster rarely changed his mind, but Louis could at least try, for Josiahs and Lucas' sake. Right now he didn't know what to do however. Josiah leaned against him and Louis still held his hands. He couldn't get up like this either. Josiah actually knowing what Louis wanted to say surprised him the most however. He couldn't agree, not even nod, so he remained silent, but yes, that was what Louis wanted, for Josiah to stay away from the ringmaster. "That's okay...", Louis commented the punching though. He earned that probably. Slowly Louis let go of Josiahs hands.

Questions had burned in his mind for an indefinite amount of time and the only thing that truly plagued him the past few years had been Louis; he'd been his shoulder to cry on, his rock to cling to, but eventually, he removed himself from him and Josiah was left with nothing but himself, with tears he had to dry on his own and with wounds he licked clean in the loneliness of the night that never seemed to fade anymore. As the darkness hat seeped into his trailer, it had also gotten comfortable in his mind, and Josiah sounded like he was joking around when he thought about it; figured he'd lost it already when he wasn't so sure what he wanted anymore, or if that punch of his was really the only way to vent his frustration. Nothing had changed, even as his shoulders went slack and his mind felt inebriated, almost as if a breeze was blowing through it and made it apparent that, well, yes, he had nothing left to lose, but even then, he had everything to give. There was no easy way out of this, and there was no easy way for him to understand what plagued Louis; was it a secret he did not want to share? Or was he simply someone that hated to budge in the first place? None of it was apparent to Josiah anymore.

Almost as if he lost his form, he leaned onto Louis, letting the youngers chest carry his weight and his legs be the cushion he needed, away from the dirty ground. All the anger, all the hatred he'd felt, none of it was seeping out of him anymore, as if someone had plugged the bottle back up after it had overflown - all Jo had for the two of them was a deep, heavy sigh as he closed his eyes and buried his face in fabric and against the cold skin of someone he had considered tearing to shreds not even moments before. "Aren't you?", he asked, confused. "You ... would tell me everything if you would want it really easy, but now that I think about it, getting out of this the way you are trying to is kinda hard, I gotta say.", Josiah answered, unbothered by the fact that this entire thing was making him sick. Maybe not physically, but it fucked with his head, and he was already to trusting again - no, he was already willing to listen to an old friend that he hadn't wanted to talk to ever again. This was hell, wasn't it? He wasn't making it easy on either of them, not when those words left his mouth and not when they were talking too each other. "Are you sure you can do that without him getting mad? I mean, I get it, but still, Lucas is just a kid and doesn't know anything but the circus, you know? He doesn't deserve this, he's trying so hard anyway." It was true, but there was only so much a six year old could do at that stage in life to contribute to everyones well-being and their performances; he simply was too young, and maybe he'd thrive more in a different environment, one so unfamiliar to him that he maybe wouldn't even like it. "It's not. That was uncalled for. Words first, actions later. That doesn't leave good impressions on anyone." Josiah reached out for Louis hand, the ones that left him in the cold, just like that, and squeezed them. "I still think you suck for not explaining anything to me.", he clarified. "But second chances are everything in life ... and I'm not the ringmaster."