all the highs and none the lows. (Earinor & Akira)

Gin knew that Kosuke meant only the best for those around him, even if he only spent such a short amount of time with him. No matter what, he’d never get off that horse and he’d most definitely make sure that those around him would be treated adequately; Gin already knew as much, hell, he was quite sure that he had less an idea of the raven haired man than he should, but even then, this … this was fine, was it not? “But you’re not betraying your family by accepting and allowing new people into your heart, and, also, if they wanted, they’d get them anyway, you know? It’s the unfortunate reality of things. They just need to be in your vicinity, wrong place wrong time, and you never profited much from their presence at all. You don’t need to hurt yourself, understood?”, Gin made clear. Nobody would get hurt as long as Kosuke was doing what was asked of him and if he stopped doing that, well, he’d reap the consequences sooner than later and he’d have to live with them, no matter what. But why would he hurt himself before even knowing if they’d ever happen? To the redhead, this handsome devil of a man seemed like an enigma, absolutely absorbed in the moment and somewhat selfish, even though that only seemed to make him more attractive, more desirable … more out of reach, did it not? If anything, Gin wanted him regardless, maybe now more than ever.

“My debt? Kosuke, that’s … I appreciate it, but, no. Don’t. Please. I don’t want that.”, he asserted himself and squeezed Kosukes hands. He’d never be truly free until the point that he’d have a bullet stuck in his head, be that by his own or his bosses doing; a future wasn’t something that Gin could buy for himself, or even others. His body was good enough to afford things, sometimes at least, but right now even that was rather out of proportion - he’d never manage to get his head out of that snare specifically. “You should focus on other things, on your own debts, got it? Be selfish. This is a dog eat dog world, we both know that - and as kind of you as that is, you’d be feeding the wrong maw.” A shake of his head was all; he couldn’t muster more, but the accursed thought ran rampant in his head soon enough. Freedom, true freedom, to be allowed back in a life he had foolishly cast aside - he’d indulge in it, out of ingenuity or better understanding of philosophical reasons, he’d simply enjoy it for what it was for as long as he could. Preposterous as it was, no matter how hard his heart was beating in his chest, he’d find himself doomed to an existence rarely understood by others for more than it was - why, if not for his own selfish reasons, was he even tying himself to Kosuke? “Is it … odd that I’m glad to hear that but at the same time sad about it? It doesn’t hurt you anymore, in a way, but it’s already hurt you plenty of times before. I doubt that felt good, and I doubt you were born a killer, just like that. I’m sorry, Kosuke.” Another thing he couldn’t do anything about. Gin was too late for everything, came to only the afterparty but ate from the buffet for all the performers regardless - Kosuke was something he shouldn’t have, couldn’t grasp, but he was right here, within his vicinity, and he was warm and reassuring; he was breathing and alive. “You’ve never not been, have you now? Even when we first met, you were upfront … but you changed your mind pretty fast. How’s that feel, finding out something new about yourself?”

"I'm not and I've done well on my own. I also have friends, believe it or not and since they also are coworkers, there is nothing much to worry about. As much as you don't want to involve your family, I don't want to involve mine or other people I care about. It might sound harsh, but you are in this world too, my world - our world. You know what it's about, so I feel more comfortable with letting you close... You know?" That didn't mean tha they couldn't involve themselves into trouble or that one got the other in no kind of danger, but Kosuke didn't have to hide the truth with Gin. They both laid it out, they both knew about their respective jobs and their days. Kosuke was maybe selfish by allowing himself to have this relationship and he didn't want to admit to Gin that he didn't have one since he left his hometown, because he knew about the dangers, weird work schedules and his crappy, tiny apartment. He didn't search for Gin, for love, or anything close to it, this did just happen and now that he was in the middle of it, he didn't attempt to stop it.

"Ah yes, sorry...", he mumbled. He already knew that Gin didn't want his money he didn't even want him to pay for dinner. "Ah... Mine won't disappear, I can't leave, even if I were to pay it off... And I don't think I'd be wasting my money on you. I'm not at all rich, but I also don't need much, so at least let me pay for dinner when we meet." They still were holding hands and they still were so incredibly close, Kosukes fingertips felt numb and his stomach felt odd, in a good way. He felt nervous and unsure about what to do, other than keep talking. "Why do you apologize? It's not your fault and I'm not unhappy. Actually when you join a gang from a very young age, all this probably comes easier than you'd think. There are older boys you want to one-up, you want to impress, you don't think about what you are doing and it doesn't feel as wrong if everyone is cheering you on... I didn't hurt animals as a kid, or anything like that, but... I don't know how to explain this... Growing up were I grew up hurting people or even killkng them is just everywhere and it's not something that is hard to grasp, when you live in it every day growing up. Does that make sense?" Kosuke didn't know how to explain to Gin that even as a child, he didn't cry over much he did and if he was honest, he wasn't necessary forced to do anything either, coerced most likely, but not forced. "Huh?", Kosukes looked at Gin a bit confused, it took him a bit to understand what he meant. "Oh. Well, I'm still confused about all that..." And he wasn't even sure if he was gay. He liked Gin, very much so, but they hadn't done much else but talk most of the time and gender didn't really matter in that case. Gin wasn't the most masculine guy either and if he wanted to, he could probably pose as a woman with the right clothes on.

Their world - something that was akin to a dumpster fire, coated in a haphazard but diluted coat of paint; no matter how much one would try to cover it up, they had to admit that there was no winning, that the two of them weren't going to be mysteriously free of their shackles simply because they learned to love and to trust in a world that made neither easy. What did it matter? A second of love in this bleak existence could amount to so much more outside of it; it could become something that it wasn't, that it shouldn't be, that it simply could not turn into. But who was going to change their destiny? Neither of them could do that - their existences were set in stone, with them drowning in every moment that they shared for as long as they lived, if they wanted to or not, and perhaps, that was fine, even if only for right now. "I know. I get it. But that doesn't mean ... that shouldn't mean you have to sacrifice your happiness.", the redhead admitted. No matter what; he wasn't going to waste away for years to come, for moments to pass, for winters to wash over him - Gin wanted to be free, rid of his own torment - in the end, he wanted to leave this life as much as anyone else, as much as Kosuke, but neither of them could, no matter how hard they tried. Both of them were delusional, be it with one another or not. "It's just the two of us and some others against the world if you think about it.", Gin mumbled - there were more than them, he knew that. "And some others. But that makes it just a bit less romantic."

Fallible was but anything safe from their existence; they were but entrapped in their own visions of life, stuck in their own ways and they'd never change. At some point, everything that used to be theirs no longer was; they changed, became twisted and torn in the blink of an eye, but right now, all of those issues were thrown out the window, all boundaries were broken and any precautions were molded anew. "And still, you could use it, safe it for something like ... a rainy-day fund, you know? Don't spend it on me. I've lived this life for a bit too long to just be done and over with it because you pay off my debt, and also, Kosuke, we don't need anyone to know. What would my boss think? He'd question were all this money came from." For a moment, he caught himself, a glimpse of his reflection, washed away in the blink of an eye, while a cold shower chased him through his own body. "I appreciate the gesture.", the redhead eventually willed himself to admit, a corny smile spreading from one ear to the other, as his features were quite the preposterous and uncanny reflection of his soul, his feelings and his mind. "Eventually, it all ... melts together. I kind of ... I mean, I can reason with you, you know? Not that I ever killed, or ever would kill, but ... I kind of know how you feel, even though I wish neither of us knew that anyway. But ... this is a whole bag to unravel, isn't it? Both of us are stuck in this, just differently, and we are pretty numb to it as well, no matter what we do. Perhaps we should just look at it from a different angle. It's the reason we met in the first place, but I can't think of anything else that's positive about that. What about you?", he quizzed the other man with a puzzled look on his face. Then, however, he chuckled out loud. "About all what? Loving a man? Do I need to spell it out for you? You asked me out on a date and you know what's between my legs. Sounds more like raging bisexual?"

"I am a very simple man. I don't feel lonely, I don't need a fancy place or fancy food or booze, I just go from day to day, so you don't need to worry about my happiness.", Kosuke tried to calm Gin. Sometimes he seemed like he wanted to find problems in Kosukes life although everything was totally fine in his opinion. Sure there were things he dreamt of, like any human, but even those who seemingly had it all still wanted things they hadn't gotten yet. Regarding his dept, there was no way to get out. What if he were to snitch? What if more people wanted to leave after seeing it wasn't impossible? No, he doubted anyone cpuld just walk away from a life like his, but that was okay. Gin was a bit dramatic. "Romantic?", Kosuke asked, not sure if he'd describe it like that. They weren't special. There were thousands of people in the same situations like them and in the end, they couldn't even help each other out, they could just be there for one another.

"If I'd pay off your debt, he wouldn't be your boss anymore, right?", Kosuke asked, but he also knew that guys like him hated if someone left them. Gins boss seemed nice, but it took a certain character to be in a position of power like him. Someone leaving him would leave him angry at the very least for sure. Still, Kosuke believed that Gin was better off out of here, back to university. It suited him. "Yeah, I guess it's the same for you. Not that I think there can't be people who enjoy your line of work, but I assume most of you just grew used to it..." He was not going to ask Gin about his own experience and he wouldn't ask him about his first time taking money for sex or how he felt back then. What did he think about their first meeting though? It was just another day for them both, a chance encounter. "Well I'm sure we could have had it worse." Kosuke probably leaned more to the optimistic side of life. His cheeks turned red in an instant however, as soon as Gin started laughing. "Well... I mean in theory, yes, but... I never felt attracted to another man and you're in ways kind of feminine... Not that I see you as a femboy, I just... You're not your typical guy either. I like talking to you, I like kissing you, but it's still a bit confusing... " If he was honest, he didn't know if he'd enjoy sleeping with Gin and he also didn't feel the need to do so. He probably was open for trying, but he also felt like Gin had enough sex in his life anyway.

"I know, but are you simple because you have to be or because that's who you'd be, regardless of your financial standing? You couldn't ever afford to not be ressourceful and while it might have made you the better person now, you have to be honest, it isn't exactly who you might need to be.", Gin assured Kosuke. In a world like this one, giving and taking weren't equal, they might still be synonymous with one another, but there was a clear ridge, an apparent disrepancy between them, if anything. As much as it pained him, those words, that calm before the storm, it didn't bode well with him, it never would, and neither should he dwell on it, for the fact that he was only ruining their little moment, one that was neither preceeded nor followed by many. "In a way. It's a tragedy, but with a bit of a sweet end, kind of? At least a smidge of it, a tinge of romance and a bit of happiness, as we deserve, I'd say. Isn't that just a bit idealistic?", Gin fantasized, but perhaps he was right. In a life filled with nothing but pain and agony, they needed just a bit of happiness, for one another and for each and every moment that they spent together - be it because they had to, or perhaps because, all in all, they had nothing else to cling to. The redhead knew, however, that that viewpoint was toxic as well, wasn't it? He'd hurt himself without intending to, and Kosuke along with it.

"It's not that easy, I'm sure. He'd figure out how to keep being my boss, you know? Some sort of motive, or extra fees on top, or maybe he'd come up with some new, super smart way to keep me where I am. I wish it was easy.", he confessed. And he was right about it, too. Who even cared for a whore like him, aside from a person like Kosuke who'd seen the edges of the world and the corners of every single torture chamber ones mind could conjure? The two of them were outcasts in a world full of them; and yet, their fate wasn't so different, they just thought of themselves as something special, even if they weren't. "It's ... no fun at first, at least when it's not out of your own volition but the only thing that will pay your bills, or your drugs, you know? But I don't have to tell you that much." Kosuke had different reasons for becoming part of the yakuza, even if they were in the same storm drain now; nothing more than shivering orphans, cast aside by a world that had much more to offer than just that. Regardless of that, he still sighed as he heard the raven talk on and on and squeezed his hand, looked for his warmth and huddled closer, almost as if the taller man was everything that would ever keep him warm and safe. "There's always better and always worse, especially for us.", he agreed. Gin closed his eyes and shut the world out, he didn't even know what he wanted, but he liked it when he heard that strong heart beat beneath him in a steady rhythm - it calmed him, as much as a soothing touch would, but the chuckled, the snort, that escaped him was anything but relaxed. Before long, his eyes had shot open and he grinned like an idiot. " A femboy?", Gin raised his eyebrow and distanced himself a bit from Kosuke so he could see the expression he wore on his face, all amused. "What's confusing, big guy? Hm? Out with it. If you'd rather have me wear a skirt with thigh highs and a garter, out with it - I can do that, if it helps you figure out what you're into.", he offered - it wasn't his usual style, but Kosuke was far from the first person suggesting it. "Ever seen me with make-up on?"

"It doesn't really matter, because I was born into a poor family and that's just it. Thinking about all the possible lifes one could have led isn't really going anywhere, is it? And I don't have to be resourceful in a sense. As I told you before, I could live in an expensive apartment if I wanted to, but I prefer not piling up dept and like this, sometimes I can send my family some money. Besides, being rich hasn't saved you from your fate either. I don't need a bigger place with my own bathroom, or a big kitchen, I am happy with what I have. I know for someone with your background this might seem like nothing, but it is more than I ever had growing up. You can believe me when I say that I'm happy and whether it is because I don't know it any differently or not, doesn't really matter. At the very least, I don't need long to clean." With barely having three rooms that was true and why would a single guy need much more than that? He never cooked, not really, nothing fancy and he wouldn't even know how to. He didn't mind going down the street to the bathhouse and many people did that and he fit everything he needed into his living room, even if it was a bit messy at times. If he were to really clean up and really store everything neatly away, Gin would probably find that this room wasn't as tiny as it looked right now. "Idealistic? You? I think you are the most pessimistic person I've ever met, but I understand that. I can't imagine being in your shoes, you know what you lost and your job is arguably harder than mine." Often times Gin projected his own struggles and his own unhappiness onto Kosuke and thought that he must be feeling the same way, but in truth, Kosuke wasn't trying to calm him down when he said he was content with his life as it was. Maybe if he had the choice he'd pick a different profession, but crying over something he could never change wasn't achieving anything.

"But maybe if you repaid your debt yourself, you'd be comfortable asking your family for further help? I'm sure they can protect you..." It opened them up to blackmail maybe and Kosuke didn't know how rich they were. He wondered if his boss was after the money or Gin himself though. When Gin snuggled closer, Kosuke put his arm around him and held him tightly. "You don't have to talk about it.", he let out. Clearly Gin didn't enjoy talking about how he got into this mess. "Well, I'm just grateful that my life is somewhat stable. That's enough for me." It wouldn't be enough for Gin. He had much higher ambitions, dreams and expectations. Still, this moment ended and Gin looked at a surprised Kosuke with a big grin. "No. That's not it and I think I have yesterday in the Yasenyumei?" He wore make up, but nothing feminine and a suit still, but that wasn't the point. "I don't need you to pose as a woman. I'm... pretty sure you don't care about gender or sex...", Kosuke carefully uttered, because he didn't want to be rude and assuming, "... but I'm... I never even spent a thought on another man and it's mostly men I work with. I see them half naked or naked all the time in the bathhouse or at work at the lockers, but I never thought twice about any of it, you know? I'm not having constant dirty thoughts about women either, but you know, sometimes you see someone and you're like 'Huh, that girl's attractive' and you might look at her butt or check her out otherwise. I never checked out a guy, but I do find you attractive. That's confusing to me. I just don't think I'm into men still, yet here we are and I'm not even sure I'd be able to... uh... enjoy sleeping with you. Which we don't have to anyway, I'm just saying... I'm not... I'm not scared of admitting to being gay or bisexual, but I just don't think I am?" He looked at Gin, unsure how to explain his feelings or if he should have just shut up a while ago. "But I really really do like you.", he quickly added.

"I know, and I get that, believe me. I'm just saying that ... well, in a way, you don't have to look out for me. It's your money, Kosuke, and you should spend it on yourself or however you want to spend it; you are you because, well, that's just who you are, aren't you? Not that I will change anything about that. I couldn't, even if I wanted to, or tried, honestly. It's good that you are who you should be, and in all honesty, don't let anyone take that from you. You may not need it immediately, but savings are a good thing to have as well.", Gin argued. Perhaps he was right about that - about the little things in life that he aimlessly projected onto others, that he argued about to be worth it. In hindsight, perhaps he would do good to be less of a laidback person, should make up his mind and decide on what he wanted, but perchance, that wasn't it either. No matter what, one way or the other, the things he held near and dear would simply rot away, as they always did. Happiness wasn't a gift that came for one without any reason, but Kosuke was the one that kept on talking and talking, made strides in his work and tried to be assertive of his stance, and yet, Gin was the one that was left to chuckle by the few words they shared. "Pessimistic? Me? Oh, come on. It's not all bad. Yes, my situation can be hopeless, if you consider all when's and if's, but you're acting like I've not given you a good time. I'm just being realistic, you know, something that I'd rather not be half the time. Optimism can work wonders.", the redhead argued. Naturally, he wasn't wrong, but realistically? He had to take into account that this wasn't how he usually acted.

"I ... no. Let's ... let's not go there, alright? I appreciate the gesture, I really do, but that's a leap too far.", he mumbled, his emotions clearly fluctuating, as if involving his parents would only cause more harm than it did any good. Perhaps they'd just lock him away again, for fifty more years, be that because he had fucked up or because he simply wasn't going to make any strides out here, and even that aside, if his family got in the way, Gin was sure that his life wouldn't be as snug as it was anymore - at worst, they'd throw him aside for who he had become and wouldn't even care any longer, oh no; they'd treat him like the dirt they sometimes had to walk on when they interacted with life outside of their quaint little village. "Let's not, then, please.", Gin eventually replied. He'd rather wear a dress for Kosuke than talk about what his family would think, hell, he'd most likely rather live this life until he lost his usefulness than do anything else - what would he even be good at? Gin had no idea, but right now, there was something that crept up in the depths of his brain that, quite clearly, shouldn't be there anyway. An answer to his pleas, a way out, and Kosuke could help, at least in the long run. "Kind of? It wasn't much, just something to look nice and approachable.", he replied, thinking back to it. His boss preferred it, for a multitude of reasons, but natural beauty wasn't on the table anyway. Regardless, was that even it? Kosuke was explaining his own thoughts away, and Gin was the one that listened to them, simply because he cared and preferred to know, as opposed to being left in the dark. "I don't, not really, no. You're pretty much right about that.", Gin assured him. Whe did he, ever? For a moment, he could have sworn he did, but for another, it didn't matter, not more than it already had anyway. There was hardly anything that made him blush at this point in his life, but if he had to point something out, or rather someone, it most definitely had to be Kosuke, who nourished this feeling of togetherness in a weird way. Gin chuckled. "So, you're unsure. It might be a situational thing, despite the fact you're head over heels for me? Maybe you just like ... hm, more feminine people overall? A woman can wear a suit and a face of make-up if she wants to, but you haven't complained about the fact that I don't have breasts - and I'd argue I have a nice ass. You just ... hm. You really aren't into guys like you, I'd say. Or maybe you just ..." For a moment, he seemed like he was lost in thought, but Gin was playing. "We don't need to have sex to figure things out. Maybe you just like them sweet, a bit innocent but in a realistic way. I'd not even say your ideal type is a woman in the first place."

Kosuke didn't think saying any more would help anyone. In truth, saving up money was pretty useless for him. He was sure he wouldn't get very old. He wasn't someone who was able to climb up the career ladder and thus his job would remain the same. Either he'd get shot some day, or he grew too old to be useful. Not everyone was lucky and got a job they could do when growing older and Kosuke never stood out, that was just not like him. He was far fro being too old to do this job, but what would he pile money for? He could only give it away to either his family or his friends, there was no use keeping much of it. He steadily repaid enough of his dept to not pile up more, but that was it. He was realistic in that regard, but he also was content with his life. He never had high ambitions, he always knew where his place in this world was. Gin was different, because he started out with much better cards, so naturally it was harder for him to accept his fate. "Being pessimistic doesn't mean I don't enjoy your company, but you always seem to assume the worst and when I'm telling you I'm fine, you don't want to believe me." Sometimes it was hard talking to Gin, because he was stubborn and whatever he thought was the truth stayed that for him no matter what.

"Alright, no worries. I won't ask you about any of it.", Kosuke reassured Gin and that was it with the topic of his parents and his work. Kosuke wouldn't pry and it wasn't his place either. Gin clearly had lots of regrets. Instead they focused on Kosukes predicament and again Gin assumed all kinds of things, probably judging from his own character. "I've never thought about an ideal type, but I'm pretty sure if there was something like that it would be a woman...? I don't mean to say that you're not enough, it's just... so far I've never really paid attention to your body? I'm not attracted to you because of your looks, I simply like talking to you and having you near. I've seen my fair share of feminine guys in the Yasenyumei too and out there on the streets as well and I never shot them more than one glance..." Kosuke sighed and averted his gaze. He didn't want to offend Gin, but no matter how much Gin wished that there was some hidden feeling deep withing Kosuke, he always kept locked inside of him, there wasn't. He always felt well adjusted with his sexual interests and even though he didn't have a girlfriend in a long time, that didn't mean he was secretly longing for a boyfriend instead. "In the end I think in your case it is simply more important to me that we share some interests, that we can talk and that you make me laugh and help me through a tiring day. I probably want someone I can protect, even if you don't let me most of the time... maybe it just feels good to use all that muscle for something good for a change, even if I just use them to hold you..." There was a not in his stomach and chest for the longest time now, since Gin sat next to him so closely. There always was when he was near him and when he held back, he mostly did so because he felt like Gin had enough people groping at him all day long. "I'm not making much sense, I know... I know that you're a guy and even though it's somewhat confusing to me, I can't deny that I've fallen for you..." There he said it and he looked up again as he did so. Gin joked about it all the time, in their texts too and Kosuke never denied it, but he never told him himself. Now he confessed and this was his conclusion of his current feelings. "... and I wouldn't wish that away either." All the joking mostly kept focus on Kosuke, because he was a little stuck up and maybe a bit shy as well, but Kosuke wondered if Gin felt as strongly about their relationship as he did.

Regardless of who spoke first, they'd always lock themselves into the same predicament. No matter for how long or short they would continue to think about this, Gin had to admit that it made him uneasy - he liked to know what others liked about him, wished to be able to put in more than simple guesswork so he could put in the real work that was needed to make someone depend on him, or perhaps be addicted to the very person he was, may that be because he wished to please Kosuke or felt like he had no other choice but to do so to stay relevant to a man that he clearly had feelings for, even though he shouldn't, couldn't and most definitely, wouldn't have feelings for if he simply had stayed within his lane and adhered to the rules imposed on him. What was someone like Kosuke going to offer him? This was wrong, on so many levels, and yet, Gin enjoyed it, for more than a single frame of a second - he shouldn't dally on things like these, but he was smitten with someone that he'd never have loved any other way - it was much like a tragedy that he was watching unfold, as he sat in the passenger seat of his own life. Was that what he desired? Front-row tickets to his own demise? It appeared so, after everything, even still as he lived vicariously through his own reflection, his wants and needs that he never showed anyone. "I should stop doing that, hm?", Gin was quick to suggest. "It's not my intention, I just worry. It's ... well, it happens.", the redhead lead on. That much was the truth; he'd never had claimed anything else.

"Thank you.", he murmured, knowing he was a piece of work, knowing that he should listen to what Kosuke had to say, even if he didn't want to, but what other choice did he have? Gin wondered, he knew that his chuckle was a melody to others ears, that his happiness played a part in this story as well, but he knew well enough that he was, without any sort of overstatement, stuck in his ways and absorbed by his own thoughts. "It's more about personality than body, then? Is that what you are trying to say?", he wondered aloud, his interest piqued. No matter what, did he even have enough to control himself, to keep his promises to himself, or to even stop seeing himself in others. To Gin, Kosuke could be an extension of his soul and he'd accept him as such, even if the hells froze over, or perhaps even when he was told to his face that it wasn't so; in a way, he was obsessed with a man he hardly knew, but at the same time, they just were playing a mean game of charade with one another. "I don't fault you for liking who you like, and if you ever like a woman more than me, that's also nothing i can do anything about, you know? I'm simply saying, that, in a way, I'd want to figure it out with you, but that seems like it's going to take more than a year or two. In earnest.", he chortled, amused as he looked for warmth and comfort in someone elses arms yet again, diving in deep and biting off more than he could chew as he squeezed himself against his own messenger of doom. Gin enjoyed this - he wanted to be close to Kosuke, of all people, and absorb his warmth, wanted to lean onto him, wanted to steal from him what he was willing to give regardless. "Then stop being so shy. Your hands can be anywhere they want, I mean it. I like hugging, for one, and for the other, I enjoy being close to you. You are trying to make me comfortable, aren't you? No need to be shy, I'll tell you off if I don't like something, I'm not scared of you - and I know you won't use your strength against me." Perhaps the two of them should not do any of this, should look for other outlets in their life, in a world without the other, but ... this was good the way it was. Right here, right now, he felt safe and protected, warm even, and he reached out for someone he shouldn't cling to - but he did so, regardless. Both of them were stuck in a world that hated them, perhaps even loathed them. As the words struck him like a chord, a sympathetic melody of days gone by, he glimpsed up, he blushed a deep red, he ... he couldn't help himself. Gin buried his face and eyes within Kosukes chest, far away from any prying eyes. "You're making enough sense ...", he mumbled, shaken and confused enough already. "And you seem so sure about this too ... and you love me, despite everything." A sigh spilled from his thin lips as he considered his options. "And what if you've already charmed me as well? Can you live with that?"

"Uh... yeah, maybe.", Kosuke smiled. He didn't take Gins pessimism in a negative way, but he'd grow tired to explain that he was fine eventually, or he'd just accept that he wasn't and that would only make him truly unhappy. There were many things he could complain about, things he could be mad or sad or angry about, but he simply didn't see the point. His life was relatively easy. His schedule was changing weekly, but in the end, his life was pretty stable. He did one of two jobs, spent the evening with colleagues or alone and went home to sleep. He squeezed in some training every day if he could help it and that was his life. Gin somehow complicated things, but in a good way. Kosuke didn't spend time out alone anymore, obviously, instead he chatted with Gin when he could and sometimes stayed awake for a bit longer to at least be able to say good night to him. At work he also used his little breaks to check his phone and write a message or two and whenever he did, he felt a tingle in his stomach. Making time to write Gin or meet him was definitely breaking his routine, but he enjoyed every second of it.

"I guess so, yes.", Kosuke agreed. Personality over body, yes that was probably it. "But I still find you attractive and pretty." Gin was probably at least partly right; Kosuke wouldn't be into a bulky man, or someone that was mostly into sports and beer. When Gin suddenly cuddled him very hard, he flinched a bit. His ribs still hurt, his stomach too, but he knew Gin didn't mean to hurt him. "You're pessimistic again. Stop thinking about a hypothetical woman I might like.", Kosuke smiled. There was no one and frankly, Kosuke never felt like he did around Gin before. He was right too, there was no need to hold back that much. Gin was a grown up man, he could tell Kosuke off if he went too far, or made him uncomfortable and in a way, maybe Gin expected Kosuke to initiate something. "I'm probably just not overthinking things too much... I feel what I feel, why would I question it or deny myself this relationship? I want to explore it further with you." Kosuke softly put his fingers on Gins chin and lifted it up. He looked at him with equally red cheeks. "I would hope so...", he mumbled, then he leaned forward to kiss the redhead. Kosuke wanted to do this for the longest time, since they sat down together, with their backs against the wall, after they finished eating. Now that he finally got permission and did it, he didn't even want to stop again. It was a soft, loving and maybe a bit of a careful kiss. He didn't need his hands anywhere else, a kiss was enough to make his fingertips go numb and his heart flutter. He felt his own pulse rising like it rarely did, not even in an arguably scary situation during his job.

Keeping to himself was one idea, surely, but on the other hand, perhaps it would be better to differentiate between the fifty different things that coursed through his mind at all times. Gin wasn't good at these things, as crudely as that idea showed itself in his mind, but he had to admit that, without any chance to explain himself to Kosuke - no, without the clear understanding as to why he should explain himself to him of all people - he had gotten lost in his own head. Projecting onto others, pretending they understood him or that they worked the same as everyone else in this clockwork, it was the only saving grace he had. No matter how long he pretended to try, in a way, Gin simply wasn't making any strides or leaps in his endeavor of cracking open the nut that was Kosuke, and holding his very core within his trembling fingertips seemed outlandish, now even more than nights ago as he played pretend with others. "Sorry. I didn't mean to dampen the mood.", he carefully spoke, as if every word he wielded turned into a shard of broken glass, sharp enough to burst every single bubble it came into contact with - and Kosuke was but one of them, a flood of many, kept at bay by whatever he thought plagued Gin first and foremost. Was he even ready for this? His fingers trembled, his heart beat within its cage, but it was secure, wherever it was, as long as it remained right there, in its socket.

"First you say you don't pay attention to my body, then, I'm attractive and pretty at the same time.", he heartfully giggled, obsessed with the crude description he was given. In a way, Kosuke wasn't wrong, but Gin knew that someone that was blunt with words wouldn't wax about his attractiveness, be it mind or body, all day. "Let me see. You're sweet, you have a heart of gold - it's in the right place, just where it ought to be, and you go above and beyond for those you like. Sure, you are dark, tall and handsome, and one might argue that's what makes you attractive, but that's not entirely it. You're the sweetest person I've met in a long while, and I'd have to say that's pretty inviting, if not downright addicting." And thus, his feeling swere explained away, even as he could only laugh at what Kosuke had to say about him, his behavior or his genuine love for the darnest and most stupid of things; he was overthinking, in a pessimistic spiral, all the time, in a way he shouldn't, simply because he could; nobody was stopping him, and assumptions were better than actually facing the root cause of any of these problems, wasn't it? "Alright, alright. No more hypothetical women, only hypothetical ... uh. Booze? Do you like drinking?", Gin asked away, knowing fully well that he was opening another can of worms, right then and there - he wasn't taking this too serious, was he now? A glint in his eyes was all that shone through, pierced the veil that carried itself in front of his eyes, and it only grew in intensity when his own eyes met those of his ... what were they now? Acquaintances with benefits? Friends with benefits? Lovers? Boyfriends? Whatever they'd end up calling themselves, Gin was giggling about it, ever so softly, as the warmth spread from his cheeks to his ear, with reddening speckles of blush careful strewn across the bridge of his nose, all the while his heart was beating faster than it should, tugging at his heartstrings all the like. A kiss, one innocent and sweet, was what he could bask in, and Gin leaned into it, no, did more than that - he kissed Kosuke back, returned what he was given, as sickeningly slow and suffocatingly syrupy as that which he had been given was. One could argue it was disgusting to feel goosebumps rise on his skin, or perhaps exciting to feel the tingle that spread through his every vein, but Gin was sure, even now, that this ... wasn't something he deserved, but perhaps what he wanted. As he pulled away, he giggled. "I ... um. That ... We can do that again, right? I liked that.", he stammered.

"No, it's alright, I' sorry.", Kosuke quickly answered. "I didn't mean to insinuate that you did something wrong. I just... uh... I think I am way less complicated than you think I am." He smiled weakly. He was a very simple guy and while Gin tried to lift him up, Kosuke knew that he couldn't compete on a intellectual level with someone that grew up like Gin did, with private schools and lots of teachers. With someone that made it into university, even if he didn't finish it. Gin still had more years in school, more knowledge and more need for learning new things and even on an emotional level Kosuke was a simpleton. He was not thinking that far ahead, he was easily content with what happened around him and generally, he didn't think too much about most things. If anything, he mostly cared for others, but never took the tie to take care of himself, in that regard Gin was right. Now, Kosuke couldn't say if that was a bad thing or not, but it was who he was. He wondered if he was enough for Gin in the first place.

"Well, I mean, I... uh... I don't think about your features, but overall, I'm attracted to you.", Kosuke stumbled over his own words. Gin had a way to fluster Kosuke, especially when Kosuke was more open than he maybe should be at this point of their relationship. Receiving compliments in return was almost worse to listen to, in a somewhat good way and Kosuke blushed. "I didn't mean to fish for compliments.", he made clear. The next topic came out of nowhere. "Huh? I mean, yeah I guess? I never drink home alone, but when I'm out with friends I like to order some drinks, or to unwind after a long day at a bar, before going home." Where did that come from? "What about you?" Did he ever saw Gin drink? He couldn't remember any instance. The kiss however didn't and Kosuke enjoyed every moment of it. Gins lips had a faint taste of strawberries. When their kiss ended, he almost felt robbed and suddenly cold, as if there was something missing now. He smiled at Gin. "Now you sound like that was your first kiss... or our first kiss." Kosuke softly squeezed the hand that still lay in his own and leaned in for another kiss. Their position might have been a bit awkward, sitting next to each other, but Kosuke would have kissed Gin even if they'd been upside down.

"You apologize for ... being simple? Kosuke, that's fine. I just ... people are confusing. I never know if someone has some underlying motives without digging at every possibility they give me. Sorry, I shouldn't have just dug at you like that. I, mh, that's a bit embarrassing. You can forgive me, right?", he asked, somewhat disingenious, with a soft smile on fine lips that had never been more happy to actually not play a guessing game. If this guy was nothing more than simple, interested in the fine things in life ... then that was good, both on Gins psyche and wallet - in a way, Kosuke was so much more than he let on, but at the same time, perhaps he already clawed at him without knowing who he really was. Who knew; monsters could be anywhere, but then again, if Kosuke was one, he surely would be more than just some guy trying to make ends meet by forcing himself to work for the yakuza. "Thankfully, I like them blunt and it just so happens that you are pretty blunt.", Gin continued, he giggled about it even and put his arms around Kosuke as best he could - he even inched over so their positions were less awkward, hell, he cuddled even closer to him than he should in the first place and he grinned, all bright and interested in the revelation he'd gotten. What a feast this man was, and yet, what a shame this relationship had to be.

"Oh, I figured - but you still deserve them. I like you, especially when you hug me - your arms make me feel secure, as if nothing could go wrong as long as you are there to hold me close and keep me safe." That and some many more things; Gin would almost be jealous if Kosuke ever picked someone else over him, whatever would he do? He'd feel hurt, that much was sure, but he didn't need to think about that right now, not when there were hundreds of other things on his mind and he was creeping closer and closer to be part of the heart of a man he had started to like so much more than he ever thought himself capable of in such a short time. "No? Hm, I'm trying to gauge what kind of booze you like, that's all. Not that I want to drink anything, I think we should just enjoy ourselves today - taking it slow has its benefits, lots of them! And it's nice." Kosuke was ... he was just some dude, someone that didn't think about fancier avenues in life when the easy way was there and definitely also someone that would drink sake directly from the bottle if someone asked him to, but other than that, he most definitely seemed to like the normal things, not one of fivethousand somewhat sweet cocktails, or any of that fancy kitschy stuff. "Sometimes, but only if it's sweet. If I can taste the alcohol I'd rather not, but that doesn't stop me from actually having a beer sometimes ... sounds odd, doesn't it?" Beer, of all things. Well, he also could have wine, but that was just a tad bit more expensive and actually seemed like he had some sort of prissy attitude, did it not? "Maybe it's the first kiss I ever enjoyed, who knows?", he joked around, but as his heart fluttered and Kosukes warm lips aligned with his own once again, he was fairly sure of it - he wanted to do nothing more than this, and for all intends and purposes, he wanted the two of them to live their own little fairytale, full of stupidly sweet romance and nothing bad ever happening.

"Ah, that actually makes a lot of sense. It's fine. I know you're around a lot of shady people and so am I. I'm not trying to trick you do, but I guess anybody would say that.", Kosuke smiled. Gins explanation actually helped him understand what was going on with him and why he was so insistent that there was more to Kosuke than there actually was. He was simply. There was nothing much to him and he didn't have many fancy thoughts either. He didn't try to use Gin, or trick him into something, or make him trust him no questions asked. In a way Kosuke wished Gin already trusted him, but they didn't know each other that long and he wasn't offended by a little bit of mistrust. "Am I? I guess I am blunt and honest." Kosuke didn't like to lie and why would he start a relationship over a lie? And if they didn't tell each other what they thought bluntly, that would only lead to misunderstandings he also didn't want to further. He wanted them both to understand each other and get to know each other a bit more, now that they were finally face to face again and not just behind a screen.

"Sometimes I wish I could be there for you a bit more..." Gin had more bad days than not sometimes, but when Kosuke got off work, Gin was mostly already asleep, or it was the other way around. Now that he had the permission to hug Gin however, he did, Kosuke put his arms around him and held him close. "Ah, well, I mostly just drink whatever is ordered? Beer or maybe some sake. I'm not picky." Of course he wasn't. When he ordered a drink alone it was mostly sake, or maybe a scotch. Kosuke couldn't help but smile at Gins explanation though. "That's actually not surprising. I think it would be odd seeing you drink some hard liquor. A colorful cocktail suits you just fine." Gin was simply sweet and he enjoyed a lot of sweet things, having him down a bottle of whiskey would be kind of odd. "Ouch? That would mean you didn't enjoy previous kisses...", Kosuke mumbled. He was just teasing Gin a little bit and eventually they kissed again. While they did Kosukes hand searched for the remote, finally pausing the movie no one paid attention to anymore anyway and once their lips parted again, Kosuke was still smiling at Gin and his heart was still fluttering. "Do you like music? I think I never asked... we could listen to some?" Kosuke had a small speaker somewhere and they both had phones to connect to it.